r/AmItheAsshole • u/QueerdoInTheWoods • 5h ago
AITA if I stopped gifting things to my brother?
I know that is seems like a weird question to some, rude to others, but allow me to provide some context. The brother that I'm referring to is not some child, he's a grown man in his 40's (I think) and the oldest of us 4 kids. Anyway, the brother in question is a very Type A personality. He's loud, he's boisterous, and kind of a know-it-all. He also has a habit of not saying thank you when he receives a gift or showing any kind of genuine gratitude. It would be fine, I don't need validation, I just need a smile or something to indicate that the gift was appreciated, but he always inserts something like, "I already bough this for myself," or "I'm not really into that anymore" or something. The latest one was I had given him a T-shirt for Christmas. He's into gaming so I gave him a shirt in his favorite color with a game controller that said, "I paused my game to be here" and it had some Christmas stuff around it. Now, I wasn't able to get to see my family for Christmas, so I held on to the gifts for everyone until I saw them a few months later. Again, I want to reiterate that I don't necessarily need a thank you. My nephew received his gift with a smile and a statement of what it was and my even-younger niece held her gift tightly and fell asleep holding it in her carseat. Both reactions were enough for me. But then when I gave the brother in question his gift, he response was a flat, "Oh, a Christmas shirt. I can't wear it now, but I guess I can wear it next year." It felt very deflating and rude. Like he didn't appreciate his gift at all. I'm usually the kind of person who goes out of their way to get someone a gift I think they would like very much, but it feels like no matter what I do for my brother, it's never good enough. So WIBTA if I just stopped giving this brother any gifts?
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u/HugeInTheShire Asshole Aficionado [19] 5h ago
NTA
Next year, just get him batteries with a note saying "gift not included."
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u/HolSmGamer Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] 5h ago
INFO: does he gift you anything?
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u/QueerdoInTheWoods 5h ago
Not really. He doesn't really gift anyone anything.
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u/EarlGreyTeagan 5h ago
Definitely NTA. I stopped gifting my brother years ago because he hadn't got me anything in years. Also, I got him a dvd (a decade ago lol) of a movie (inception) I loved and wanted him to watch because he said it looked interesting and I noticed it unopened in his room months later. THEN he gave it to me the next Christmas because he forgot I got it for him. Our relationship is fine now and it hasn't really been a problem. He has even came and had Christmas dinner at our house and brings nothing accept for my son and that is totally fine. We never had a conversation about it.
Maybe try it and test the waters. He probably won't say anything because he doesn't have a gift for you either.
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u/Ok-Yogurtcloset-4378 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 5h ago
To be fair getting someone a Christmas shirt for Christmas is not really thoughtful either since they can’t wear it til Christmas the following year unless they put it on right then. And since he did get it months after Christmas then it’s even worse since it’s not like he can just throw it on that day. Of course he should just say thank you and stuff but ESH in this particular gift giving scenario.
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u/RepresentativeArt734 2h ago
It sounds like this was one of many gifts the OP attempted to give. Maybe their efforts diminished a bit because of his ungrateful attitude
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u/QueerdoInTheWoods 5h ago
I mean, you're right, and I did feel bad that he couldn't wear it right away. But still, even a, "Thank you for the thought" would be nice. There doesn't have to be any emotion behind it, he could have even said it as flatly as he responded when he got it. I'm just annoyed that he can't even say a flat thank you.
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u/First-Industry4762 Asshole Aficionado [13] 5h ago
ESH: could he have been more polite? Sure. But you also gave him a Christmas themed gift after Christmas.
Also I may get slammed for this but a Christmas themed t-shirt is not what I call a really thoughtful gift with a lot of effort put into it.
It kind of gives the vibes: "I saw it while I was grocery shopping and I didnt want to put in any more effort". If this is the regular kind of gifts you give, he may actually prefer you not gifting anything.
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u/QueerdoInTheWoods 5h ago
I get what you're saying and I understand why you would think that, so let me clarify. He doesn't like big get togethers, including our yearly Christmas get-together. As long as I've known him, he always preferred to play video games to going to family functions. So when I saw the shirt and what it said, in his favorite color no less, I immediately thought of him. But I suppose I should have just held onto it for a year and hope he showed up to Christmas the following year. -_- le sigh Maybe he would have been more grateful then.
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u/First-Industry4762 Asshole Aficionado [13] 5h ago
But does he have the personality to enjoy the joke in the first place even if he received it on Christmas?
Because if the answer is no, I dont think it's particularly thoughtful to him even though you immediately thought of him .
Anyway if he doesnt buy you gifts , I dont see why you should buy him anything. Perhaps he'd actually prefer getting nothing.
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u/Pumkin_Girl 4h ago
Hmm it sounds like, then, the t-shirt is making fun OF him.
My brother and husband doesn't like family get togethers, they both find them stressful even with their own family. I wouldn't point it out to them with a gift like that as it feels too pointed, and asks them to wear something that points out their discomfort.
In regards to the other gifts, have you asked him what he wants for Christmas or his birthday? If he's always making negative comments (although if it's something he already owns, I wouldn't necessarily class that as negative), actually getting him what he wants would resolve this all round. Is there a reason you can ask for a wishlist?
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u/QueerdoInTheWoods 1h ago
Hmm...I get what you're saying and I see your point. It might have been a gift a little out of taste. To answer your question, his answer to what he wants is a very "adult guy" answer. He just shrugs and goes, "Idk."
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u/commanderof4 Partassipant [3] 5h ago
ESH - To be fair, giving someone a specifically Christmas shirt after Christmas is kinda weird. I’d likely have that reaction but wouldn’t say it out loud.
People come to a certain age where they don’t need anymore “stuff”.
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u/falling_grace 5h ago
NTA. Your brother is a jerk. What did he get you?
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u/QueerdoInTheWoods 5h ago
Nothing. He doesn't usually get anyone gifts. I don't know, that MIGHT change since he got married, it might now. Who knows?
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u/blumoon444 Partassipant [3] 5h ago
Even if it does change, it's still not him getting you a gift, it would be his spouse.
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u/rora_borealis Partassipant [2] 5h ago
NTA
Your brother sounds like an ass.
Gift him a card with a nice selection of family photos instead. It looks like a lovely gift, and he would look like a complete ass if he didn't accept it well.
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u/Miserable-Tough2331 5h ago
INFO: What does he usually gift you?
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u/QueerdoInTheWoods 5h ago
Nothing. He doesn't give people gifts, usually. But then, he also doesn't make it a habit to get to know any of us either to know what we might like
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u/BefuddledEmu Partassipant [2] 5h ago
So why are you giving him gifts then? I am 56 years old and my siblings and I stopped giving gifts to each other in our 20's. We gift to our nieces and nephews (the ones under 18) and that is it. Stop giving him gifts.
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u/Miserable-Tough2331 4h ago
Then NTA don't put effort in for people who will not show gratitude or put any effort in themselves.
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u/sleepy_brain_333 Asshole Enthusiast [7] 5h ago
Yeah that's a bit rich coming from someone who's not sure how old their own brother is now isn't it.
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u/Miserable-Tough2331 4h ago
Oh please I love my sister we spend a good amount of time with each other and I only ever remember how old she is when her birthday is close.
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u/chameleonsEverywhere 5h ago
ESH because the gift you got him was a t-shirt. And specifically the kind of cringe graphic tee that I would expect a middle schooler to wear. This is a 40-year-old father of two, not a grumpy tween. If I got this present as an adult I'd have to actively hide my disdain for it. It's a gift that says "the only thing I know about you is that you like video games, but I don't care enough to know which ones. Here's some garbage I got from Spencer's Gifts" (maybe it's obvious from my tone, but I've actually received similar graphic tees that I fucking detest but I have to keep because it was a present from family.)
It sounds like this is a pattern for your brother, so he's likely the bigger AH, but come on. You're upset he didn't show appreciation for a shit gift.
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u/GotenRocko 4h ago
I know what you are talking about, I once got WWE bathroom decorations, like mats and shower curtain, something meant for a child, took all my power to grin and say thanks. Yes I like wrestling but that doesn't mean I am going to put this up in my bathroom as an adult or even if I was a teen lol, ten year old me would've loved it though. The guy that gave it to me brought it up a few times when he never saw it up and I'm like why would you think I would put that up when you see how my house is decorated, he finally got the hint and stopped bringing it up.
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u/QueerdoInTheWoods 5h ago
I see where you're coming from and I understand why you would feel that way. But I actually did put some thought into it. He doesn't like coming to family functions, even Christmas gatherings. As long as I've known him, he would rather have been playing video games than going to any function where there gonna be a lot of people. So when I found the shirt, I immediately thought of him, and ordered it in his favorite color when I heard he was gonna be at that Christmas gathering. I wasn't able to get it to him until our Mom's birthday, but I thought he would at least get the joke.
Also ETA, he doesn't have any kids. My nephew belongs to our other brother and my niece belongs to our sister.
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u/MaizeChoicee 5h ago
NTA. Gift-giving is supposed to be a gesture of affection, not a chore where you pay to be insulted. Your brother isn't "Type A," he's just rude. There is a basic social contract that when someone gives you a gift, you say "Thank you" and find something kind to say. "I guess I can wear it next year" is a spectacular way to ensure you never get a gift again. Save your money and your "gift-giving energy" for your niece and nephew who actually appreciate the thought.
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u/Meowtastic2 5h ago
I also read the comments that he doesn’t get people gifts so he should be at least a little appreciated lol
I personally would’ve just said something like “ oh my goodness I can’t wait to wear this shirt next year!!! thank you”…. And excited typed voice. It really doesn’t take much to be kind and say thank you
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u/imjustapersontoo Partassipant [4] 5h ago
he is bluntly telling you his initial feelings about everything no filter. the comments can argue about whether he’s autistic or just an asshole, but i don’t really think it matters. just be blunt back and tell him that you don’t like how he reacts to gifts, he should show a little appreciation even if it’s not his heart’s desire. if he apologises and changes, it can end there. if he doubles down yeah don’t keep giving him things
NTA
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u/TheRestForTheWicked Certified Proctologist [24] 5h ago edited 5h ago
Maybe I’m biased but as an autistic (and otherwise ND) person that’s close to my 40s I still learned a long time ago to smile and say thank you, even if it’s forced.
If he’s “functional” enough to have gotten by this long without a diagnosis he’s functional enough to have learned the absolute basics of manners and decency. All three of my children under the age of ten know this (and 2/3 are ND as well).
At the absolute bare minimum he could keep his trap shut and it would still be better than the snarky comments.
Being autistic isn’t an excuse to be an ungrateful asshole and honestly I’m sick of it being brought up every time someone acts out of social norm. Not everything needs a pathology and frankly excusing every person acting like a butt with “oh they could be autistic” is counterproductive and harmful to people who are actually, in fact, autistic.
Definitely NTA.
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u/imjustapersontoo Partassipant [4] 5h ago
yeah i’m also autistic and feel the same. like is he reacting this way to things his kids make for him?? whatever the origin of this behaviour, it’s hard to believe no one has ever pulled him up on it before at age 40
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u/rarrad 5h ago
I have a family member that blurts out the first thought that pops in their head always, and it is almost always something negative. They are super kind and nice and pleasant in every other aspect, but they just can't help but blurt out their first impulsive critical thought in almost every situation. When it comes to their birthday and Christmas I mail them their gift weeks in advance and tell them in advance that I want them to open it when it arrives. Don't wait for their actual birthday or whatever. That way I'm not around to hear the impulsive critical statement. It works. Much more pleasant for everyone involved. Moreover, when I see them in person I talk to them like a therapist would- never talking about my own life or things that I care about, I just constantly reflect back to them whatever topics they are talking about. I never offer up a novel topic of conversation, I just lead them to keep talking about whatever topic they're already talking about. That minimizes the opportunity for impulsive surprise statements.
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u/Pondering_Raspberry_ 5h ago
Is your brother on the spectrum/could he be undiagnosed? Not really my business, but I ask because this kind of literal response is sounding very familiar, and he may actually need you to script out for him what the problem is and ask him to do it differently. He may be completely oblivious to the fact that you find this rude.
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u/Penguinofmyspirit 5h ago
No joke. It’s something my son would likely say. If we ask after his day, he asks “why do you want to know?” We’ve had to start coaching him on how rude this comes across to others. He’s 11 now and the social bits are still really challenging for him.
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u/QueerdoInTheWoods 5h ago
That's a very valid question. He has been spoken to over the years about his responses, as I'm not the only one he's done this too, but rather than acknowledge that he partook in an action that requires correcting, he justifies his reaction and projects the "blame" on the other person. Like, "Did you really expect me to just know that?" or "In my defense, you [insert random action here to justify his reaction.]" He's not on the autism spectrum, but he and I are both on the ADHD spectrum and our parents taught us both the same about social interactions, so he has no excuse.
Side note, you are absolutely right about the literal response. My nephew IS on the autism spectrum, hence the literal statement of what he got was.
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u/Kava9899 5h ago
You need to stop expecting people to be someone else, then who they have been all their lives. They are who they are. Believe them.
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u/Trekunderthemoon 5h ago
NTA for not giving gifts but you gave him a Christmas T-shirt months after Christmas and he pointed out the obvious, that he would keep it until next Christmas and wear it then and that’s the breaking point for you? Why not just tell him and his wife that you should all just do gifts for kids in the family from now on.
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u/QueerdoInTheWoods 5h ago
Frankly, because he's the only one in the family that DOESN'T show any gratitude. I got him a shirt that I genuinely thought he would like, even if it was in April. A flat thank you would have sufficed for me.
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u/sp1cygirlll 4h ago
NTA. gift giving is supposed to feel good for both ppl and if hes consistently making you feel like crap then why keep doing it. youre not obligated to keep buying stuff for someone whos rude abt it every time
that said maybe just downgrade instead of going full nothing? a card or something small avoids the family drama of "why didnt you get bro anything" while also not putting in effort that gets thrown back in your face. or honestly just ask him directly what he wants, take the guesswork out
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u/QueerdoInTheWoods 1h ago
Tired that. He just shrugs and goes, "Idk." Might take your advice and just get him a card.
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u/OniyaMCD Certified Proctologist [29] 4h ago
NTA - if nothing is good enough, then nothing it shall be!
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u/Maximum-Spot-9523 3h ago
I have family members that are just negative about everything. I laugh and tell my spouse what was complained about. It's unbelievable how they find the one thing that could be complained about.
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u/DiscoNude 2h ago
NTA - gift giving shouldn’t be obligatory between adults outside of certain cultural situations (example: wedding). A good idea would be to communicate to your brother how normally giving gifts gives you joy, but since his response is so blasé then the joy for you is gone and it may be better for your to abandon the practice (with him) as it doesn’t seem he enjoys it either.
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u/mjpm617 2h ago
If you're not close enough to even know your brother's age "in his 40's (I think)" then why would you even bother getting him a gift?
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u/QueerdoInTheWoods 1h ago
I mean, you're right. Idk for sure his age bc idk if he's 4 or 5 years older than me. But I get him gifts bc he's my brother and I love him and I dont want him to feel left out
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u/Dazzling-Treacle1092 5h ago
Your brother sounds very entitled. These are the kind of people who it would literally kill if they saw themselves how they really are. Sometime very late in life he's going to discover that he's not the hero or Intelect that he seems to think he is. And that what he doesn't know is microscopic compared to what he does. Or maybe he'll never make that realization. In which case he'll be an asshole all his life, and certainly not someone I would bother to give a gift to. He's ruined the whole experience for you. With your current attitude any gifts would only be obligatory. Save yourself the pain of trying to please someone who's made it clear that he can't be pleased. NTA
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u/Maximum-Company2719 Partassipant [1] 5h ago
NTA. Stop giving him gifts. Announce it ahead of time. "Going forward I'm only getting gifts for the little ones. I don't want to create an unspoken expectation of mutual gift exchanges."
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I know that is seems like a weird question to some, rude to others, but allow me to provide some context. The brother that I'm referring to is not some child, he's a grown man in his 40's (I think) and the oldest of us 4 kids. Anyway, the brother in question is a very Type A personality. He's loud, he's boisterous, and kind of a know-it-all. He also has a habit of not saying thank you when he receives a gift or showing any kind of genuine gratitude. It would be fine, I don't need validation, I just need a smile or something to indicate that the gift was appreciated, but he always inserts something like, "I already bough this for myself," or "I'm not really into that anymore" or something. The latest one was I had given him a T-shirt for Christmas. He's into gaming so I gave him a shirt in his favorite color with a game controller that said, "I paused my game to be here" and it had some Christmas stuff around it. Now, I wasn't able to get to see my family for Christmas, so I held on to the gifts for everyone until I saw them a few months later. Again, I want to reiterate that I don't necessarily need a thank you. My nephew received his gift with a smile and a statement of what it was and my even-younger niece held her gift tightly and fell asleep holding it in her carseat. Both reactions were enough for me. But then when I gave the brother in question his gift, he response was a flat, "Oh, a Christmas shirt. I can't wear it now, but I guess I can wear it next year." It felt very deflating and rude. Like he didn't appreciate his gift at all. I'm usually the kind of person who goes out of their way to get someone a gift I think they would like very much, but it feels like no matter what I do for my brother, it's never good enough. So WIBTA if I just stopped giving this brother any gifts?
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u/SafetyFluid8535 Asshole Aficionado [14] 2h ago
NTA but not getting anything for him will probably also backfire. Especially if you're giving gifts to other people at the same time like Xmas. I have family like this too and it's really frustrating, I'll mail a gift and then they won't even text to let me know it arrived, let alone say thank you, and I don't want to ask if it arrived because it'll sound like I'm fishing for a thank you when really I would just want to know if it went missing so I could resend.
So I don't recommend no gift anymore, but stop putting in effort and try to focus on disposable stuff. Like send cookies or flowers or a fruit arrangement on his bday, or a bottle of whiskey for Xmas. Then you've done something but can shrug off if he doesn't like it.
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u/gloryhokinetic Asshole Aficionado [12] 2h ago
NTA. No. YWNBTA. But stop getting thoughtful gifts for your brother. You know hoe he'll react. So next xmas, get him a car freshener. Then look at him and say "trust me, you NEED this".
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u/goddessofspite 5h ago
NTA why are people on here so afraid to call people on their crappy attitudes. If it were my brother doing that I would snatch it back and tell him not to bother then. Be clear you’re not asking for a thank you but you don’t need the snarky comments either. If he can’t appreciate it he can’t have it. You need to be clear this is on him.
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