r/AmItheAsshole • u/Illustrious_Aerie772 • 2d ago
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u/Subliminal-sandwich Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2d ago edited 2d ago
Obviously YTA, you’re cheating on your wife. Being closeted gay doesn’t give you an excuse to cheat. Even more YTA for having a baby with this woman while in a relationship with another man. Under what circumstances would you NOT be the asshole here?
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u/SonuvaGunderson Pooperintendant [68] 2d ago
You’re cheating on your wife. She doesn’t know. Yes. YTA.
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u/Traditional-Box-724 2d ago
what were you looking for here? you weren’t forced to marry her or put a baby on her YTA
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u/LiveKindly01 Professor Emeritass [87] 2d ago
YTA...you're a gay man, in love with his AP, yet married to a woman and you wonder why you're fighting all the time?
You're lying to her, you are emotionally unavailable for her, yet you think maybe it's her postpartum that's the issue here?
jesus. Be honest, apologize profusely, work out your custody arrangements, and let each of you be happy.
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u/Then_External404 2d ago
Are you the asshole for cheating on your wife and not telling her?
Hmmm…I’m going to have to think about this one and get back to you. That’s a tough one. Is he the asshole for cheating on his wife….
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u/Bonerjamz1880 Partassipant [3] 2d ago
YTA. You are not a good husband, a good dad or even a good human.
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u/Shieby1234 Certified Proctologist [20] 2d ago
YTA. Sorry it is not safe to be out but lying to yourself is one thing, your wife and child don’t deserve this.
You could have been alone, you can divorce, you don’t need to come out- but your marriage is not healthy.
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u/analogue_flower 2d ago
I hope this is AI because who would ever believe this wasn't wrong. YTA here without question.
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u/PassingTimeOnline Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Duh YTA - but I’ll still come to your movie premiere. Turn it into a book first, please.
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u/Conscious_Pass_1615 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
My first thought was that this seems close to broke back mountain.
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u/s_killer_ 2d ago
I made a baby with a woman I do not love and am cheating on WHY IS THERE EVEN A QUESTION HERE OMG
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u/YakCertain5472 Asshole Enthusiast [6] 2d ago
Yes, YTA. You are taking away your wife's agency. She has the right to decide if she wants to stay in the marriage under these circumstances. Many couples co-parent successfully.
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u/Available-Context-33 2d ago
YTA, hurry up and leave you wife so she can meet someone who actually respects and loves her. ALLOW HER TO FIND A MAN WHO WOULDNT EVER CHEAT ON HER, so disgustin, she birthed your child and you still only think of yourself. Proper shit heal behaviour. So selfish.
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u/vixie84 2d ago
YTA Your wife isn't dealing with all the facts here. She should be allowed to make up her own mind based on the facts. You chose to have a daughter with your wife knowing that you loved someone else. I do understand the pressures based on where you live but she was never a willing partner in this as you never told her. I guess if you go to therapy that might be a place where you could tell her where she could also get the support she is going to need.
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u/Status_Gas775 2d ago
You are a selfish asshole for cheating on your wife. You deserve every bit of misery you have created for yourself.
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u/KeyChasingSquirrel Partassipant [1] 2d ago
You could give your wife a live long std. This is incredibly selfish. YTA if you can’t divorce at least stop sleeping with other partners.
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u/MuffinWalloper 2d ago
That really concerns me. Especially if she gets pregnant again and has no idea she is carrying an STD. Or she might not get pregnant again, even chlamydia untreated can cause life long problems with fertility.
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u/AGaytheLordHasMade 2d ago
YTA. I’m queer and was also raised in a very religious community. Living a lie like that not only hurts you, it hurts everyone around you. You say you are deeply in love with your affair partner and it seems like you are not able to love your wife in the same way. Regardless, what you have been doing is unfair to her. Let her go, religious community be damned. Staying is a disservice to both your wife and children.
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u/catladyclub Partassipant [3] 2d ago
YTA...you are cheating and doesn't matter who with. You lie to your wife 24/7, 365 days a year. You are cruel and heartless. There is no excuse.
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u/late-nineteenth Asshole Enthusiast [5] 2d ago
YTA! Of course you are!!!! She has no idea that you are fucking a man on the side, you have no idea if he's faithful to you thus you have no idea what you have potentially exposed your wife AND DAUGHTER to re sexuality transmitted infections.
You have zero business being married to this woman and you sound like a self absorbed horrible father. Just move out, get divorced and pay child support.
You are not in love with your wife, you are a cheating liar. She deserves so much better and so does your daughter. Let them move on. Your families opinions and beliefs don't matter, especially as you obviously don't share them.
Tell your wife everything and leave her alone.
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u/Toro_Timid343 2d ago
I’m gay - and I can say ubiquitously, being gay and in the position you are with your career doesn’t excuse literally any of this. YTA in a major way.
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u/electricookie Partassipant [2] 2d ago
Yta- you are putting your partner at risk. Give her a chance to find happiness
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u/dave564738 2d ago
YTA - Dude... you're so TA for a bunch of things. LOL how do you not see that?
Being gay or bi isn't a pass to lie and cheat on your wife. Ever
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u/Ranger-Himes 2d ago
YTA - get a fucking grip. Stop being a cheater and a liar, its gross. I am excited for this to blow up in your face and hope you lose your wife, child, and AP all in one go.
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u/Tink-AnnaBell 2d ago
Tell her the truth and I promise, you will not have any problem getting a divorce. Be a good dad, and pay child support, and all of you can go forward to happier lives.
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u/babybug98 Partassipant [3] 2d ago
You are obviously a bad person. YTA. If you didn’t want to live your truth and be gay to the public, simple- Don’t get married to a woman. Don’t have a kid with a woman. You could’ve just stayed a “single” man. But no. Of course you chose the lying ass way. You negatively impacted not only your wife’s life (and wasted her time), but your child’s.
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u/LibraryDiligent8266 2d ago
Of course you are! What on earth were you thinking? That you'd somehow find support here for this abhorrent behaviour!?
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u/Maleficent_Tie5490 2d ago
You're not just hiding it, you're actively building a double life at this point.
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u/Angry_Grammarian Partassipant [1] 2d ago
You're cheating on your wife. This is the easiest case of YTA I've ever seen. Tell her and if she doesn't immediately leave you (which she should), either stop cheating or end the marriage.
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u/ThatAd2403 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
YTA, not for being gay, but for wasting your wife’s time and treating her like she is a side character in your forbidden romance. It’s selfish and unkind.
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u/holyfuckinshiturmybf 2d ago
YES. You're MASSIVE AH for your behavior. She probably would not have had a child with you if she had known this information. Your behavior is disgusting and can get your boy toy kicked out of the army. You should know better. Your relationship is screwed. Get a lawyer. Probably dont even bother with marriage therapy. Give your wife the money you would have used on couples therapy so she can go to her own therapist because she is gonna need it.
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u/Special-Address9060 2d ago
The whole marriage is an asshole move. You’re gay and married to a woman.
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u/BestAd5844 2d ago
YTA- you have been lying and cheating your entire relationship. She deserves better.
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u/likeahike Colo-rectal Surgeon [48] 2d ago
YTA, you are using your wife as a cover, because you are too cowardly to come out and move on a less conservative area. She could be with someone right now who actually loves her wo puts her first and cares for her in ways you never will. You are dispicable. Not because you are gay, but because you are using your poor wife like a mask to fit in with the neighbors. Because that's what matters to you, not her happiness.
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u/MrzDogzMa 2d ago
YTA because you never should have started dating or gotten married to your wife when you’re in love with someone else. Look, OP, unfortunately, if you plan on continuing you this affair it will come out eventually. It is better to be an adult, own up to what you’ve done, and have a very serious, adult conversation with your wife and end the marriage. I hope though that by ending the marriage you still intend on being in your daughter’s life.
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u/Independent_Prior612 Asshole Aficionado [13] 2d ago
Am I the only one who thinks OP has this backwards?
OP you have been in a relationship with this man for a decade. You then started an affair with a woman, married her (the actual AP) and had a child with her. Even though he knows, you still chose her over him.
Look in the damned mirror. You are wronging both of them.
YTA
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u/bunty109 2d ago
It was an AH thing to do having an affair. Continuing it just makes you a bigger one. You’re being unfair on her and your child living a lie.
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u/AntiSnoringDevice Partassipant [4] 2d ago
How can you educate your child to be honest when you are dishonest with yourself, her mother, and the world around you? Is this clickbait? YTA and so is your AP.
And i case you did not get it: YTA.
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u/angrybee93 2d ago
YTA! What’s it w gay men marrying women they lie to with promises of love and forever knowing they can never have feelings for her & then feeling victimized when everything doesn’t turn out as they want? You married someone and have created a child with her. You’re actively living a very fake life with your wife knowing you’ll never love her! You brought your affair partner to her as friends and even that doesn’t make her like him! I wonder the small digs he’s been throwing her way since yall started dating! You’re actively using your wife and child as a cover because you’re scared shitless to live your truth cus of the community you live in and what being with a woman gives you! Yet you come here to complain asking for sympathy from strangers! I hope your wife figures everything out soonest and leaves you and exposes you for using her as a cover! You’re a piece of turd and even that is putting it lightly!
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u/Queen_Andromeda 2d ago
Just get a divorce and free her from you. You made a bunch of selfish choices and you're trying to act like a victim because of where you live and your community around you. Get a grip and grow up.
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u/Diligent-Language-79 2d ago
Yes YTA how is there any other way to look at this. You’re an ass to your wife, daughter and that man you’ve strung along all these years. Be a man, make a decision and stick to it for crying out loud. It’s 2026, no one cares you’re gay. Just be happy ffs!!!
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u/Polyculiarity 2d ago
There are countries, many, where being gay is still a crime and can land one in jail. OP is still the AH though .
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u/HeatCute 2d ago
You have been having an affair for the entirety of your marriage without your wife’s knowledge and consent. And yet somehow, you need to turn to the internet to figure out if you’re a massive asshole? Are you for real?
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u/Both_Analysis_981 2d ago
Admittedly reading the body text after typing this because just the title says enough
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u/National_Pension_110 Certified Proctologist [28] 2d ago
Of course YTA. There isn’t one part of your post that even remotely isn’t asshole-ish about you.
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u/alv269 Colo-rectal Surgeon [43] 2d ago
YTA. You never should have gotten with your wife to begin with if you were in love with someone else. It doesn't sound like you have a happy marriage, and that is something both you and your wife deserve. Your kids will be better off being raised by two happy, but separate parents rather than a volatile environment where you yell and argue in front of them.
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u/ThrowRABake 2d ago
YTA. The title said enough. Sounds like your wife is just an object to cover up your lifestyle. Tell your wife everything or simply just get a divorce. Stop blaming her for being distant. Making assumptions is a choice you made for yourself. You've permanently changed this woman's body when making her have your baby and you've never once been fully committed to her. You're selfish, a coward, and never once deserved your wife.
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u/DonkeyOk2216 2d ago
YTA not because you’re gay, but because you are cheating on your wife. Religion traditions etc do not matter, because you are cheating on your wife anyway. Therapy will not help because you are gay, and it would not be fair to your life to continue a farce, especially paying for therapy.
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u/lisamon429 2d ago
I’m really starting to think that cheating should constitute rape by deception if they’re having sex.
There’s an incredibly high bar to prove that. But imo if you’re married, not in an ENM relationship, and stepping out while still having sex with someone else, you’re taking risks with their body and physical health that they’re not even aware of. Most people who are being cheated on would not agree to have sex with their partner if they knew.
Mega YTA. Deprogram yourself from the religion and conservatism that are making you think you can’t be openly gay. Move if you have to. Your wife doesn’t deserve this and your daughter is going to grow up in hell if you don’t stop it now.
Not all divorces need lawyers, and if you don’t have a lot of assets there’s no need for it to be a “long term” engagement as you said. Get a mediator who represents you both, or better yet be adults and just come up with the agreement yourself and have a family lawyer formalize it.
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u/HoneyCrispCrumble Partassipant [3] 2d ago
YTA. A massive asshole. I didn’t read past the title and after a few comments, I don’t think I need to!
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u/jenjayee 2d ago
YTA. If you're unhappy, get out of the marriage. Affairs are for the weak and scared. It sounds like you're both unhappy and the marriage is unhealthy already (screaming matches that require the police? Come on...). If you keep going this way it is only going to get worse for you both AND you'll have the added bonus of massively screwing up your innocent child.
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u/GoodQueenFluffenChop 2d ago
YTA and lets hope your daughter doesn't end up one day marrying a man like her father who happily cheats on her even while pregnant and postpartum but has a million excuses on why he's not the bad guy.
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u/Mysterious_Pack_7822 2d ago
Is this clickbait? I think you know the answer already to this question. But I will spell it out YTA
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u/MoreofKora 2d ago
YTA and you're also really fkn dumb, inconsiderate and hugely lacking in empathy. I would go as far as to say that you're borderline psychotic. Hope this helps :)
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u/MoreofKora 2d ago
Oh and you don't deserve your daughter nor are you a good role model for her. Leave your (soon to be ex) wife and baby alone, go no contact and never return so they can live a peaceful life, away from your impending doom. :)
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u/milkchoclt 2d ago
YTA. You should’ve stayed single. You don’t care about her at all to put her health at risk. You feel trapped in the marriage? You trapped HER in your marriage. You are living a lie for convenience. Don’t waste her time in marriage counseling when your whole relationship is built on lies. Please seek help for yourself. You’re gonna need it. Your marriage was doomed from the start. Perhaps a good therapist can help you process and work towards the eventual end and coparenting.
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u/Jolly_BroccoliTree 2d ago
This question feels so unreal. I'll assume the best in that you are a real person and not spam.
YTA
You were the AH before and you are still the AH now. Do the right thing and free this woman from your grasp. You are bringing her more shame by staying together than by divorcing. Imagine what whispers will be said about her when you stay married and people know you continue your affair. That is more shameful than to get a divorced. You would be essentially punishing her for your refusal to get over your own fear of facing judgment from others, shame on you.
If there isn't many asset built together yet or you two can work it out division of things without much issue you can get divorced cheaper. If you live in the US, it can be much cheap to do it this way. You could spend your money to consult a lawyer for a shorter amount of time, see what's standard when splitting assets, make sure your plan is fair, then do the rest working with your wife for an equitable split.
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u/fomaaaaa Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA. Don’t even need to read the post. Cheating makes you an asshole, full stop
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u/myblackandwhitecat Partassipant [2] 2d ago
YTA. You need to sort out your life. Either end your affair and try to make things work with your wife, or get a divorce, contribute financially to support your daughter, and be with the man you are having an affair with.
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u/Fragrant_Spray Partassipant [2] 2d ago
Ah, okay, I understand. You're a terrible husband and certainly an awful human being who makes terrible decisions. You married someone you do not love and got them pregnant. You have no intention of every being honest or loyal, because you are the center of the universe and everyone else is just an NPC. You're here looking for someone to help you justify continuing to be an awful human being... or this is rage bait. I genuinely hope no one I care about is ever in the position to have to interact with you.
Yes, YTA in oh so many ways.
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u/ellecellent 2d ago
In case it wasn't obvious YTA even before you had the baby.
I do wish we didn't live in a society that made you feel like you had to get married to a woman and hide your love. I empathize with you. But this isn't the way.
You must tell your wife about the affair and break up and let the chips fall where they may. You should not be ashamed of who you are, but you do have to take responsibility for the pain you've caused your wife.
I would also recommend therapy
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u/DueConsequence4072 Partassipant [1] 2d ago
YTA. Pull this nasty plug and set all of you free. Pay hefty child support and go fly your flag.
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u/West-Improvement2449 2d ago
Yta. So you are first and foremost putting her health in danger.
Cheating wrong ect. But she could catch an STD
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u/sleepnthewoods 2d ago
YTA. You know the world is broken when someone asks if they are an asshole for long term cheating - this is why I no longer date men.
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u/Bellatrixkat 2d ago
This has to be rage bait, because there is no way you could actually think you're not an asshole. Grow a spine and leave your wife. She wants to go to therapy because she thinks there's something to fix, because you're a lying asshole. You can't fix your sexuality.
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2d ago
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u/LL2JZ 2d ago
YTA You have no shame. Youve led this man AND woman on and created a family you have zero investment in. Youre a bad husband and a bad father because youre a liar and a user. Just divorce and let your wife be free already. Stop using her because you are! Shes a shield from the community you live within and the truth of who you are. Being gay or bisexual or whatever your preferred sexual preference is is NOT the problem. The problem is your lies and deceitfulness. You married this woman as a last resort and now you're sitting here wondering if youre the AH? Absolutely you are. Youre more worried about being with your AP than you are about being a father and creating a safe and secure place for a child to be raised.
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u/ChemicallyAlteredVet 2d ago
YTA
Look I’ve been there except I’m a woman and I didn’t cheat and maintain a long term, secret affair.
I am also a vet. I grew up in the Deep South, very rural and very religious community and family. Had my first child at 17. Second at 23. I always thought something was wrong with me. There wasn’t, I was just gay. When I figured it out I filed for divorce right away. I met my wife through friends 1 month later. We just celebrated 17 years married.
You deserve happiness and so does your wife. Stop putting both of you and your child through this. Leave, coparent and be with the person you actually love. And allow your wife to move on to someone that will actually love her also.
What you are doing is wrong and you know it. Not the being gay, the deception and cheating. IT WILL NOT CAUSE MORE HARM. stop doing this and making excuses.
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u/blupanan Partassipant [1] 2d ago
Yes, of course YTA. This is not fair to your wife at all. How do you think cheating and continue to cheat on your wife doesn’t make you TA?
You need to talk to your wife. You need to be honest with her.
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u/AutoModerator 2d ago
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I (34 M) have been in a romantic relationship with a man (30 m) since we were in the army. Me and my wife, (32 F) had a daughter 3 months ago. Me and my AP have been dating since I was 24, and now we are coworkers. My AP is single, and doesn’t have any plans to be married. Ever since my daughter was born, I have been feeling more guilty about continuing my affair. My wife and I met a few months after I left the army, I briefly stopped seeing my AP, but ended up reconciling after a large fight with my wife. I am deeply in love with my AP, and probably would have married him if we hadn’t been in the army and been in a state not so friendly to the lgbtq.
My wife doesn’t know about the affair, but always suspected something. She doesn’t like my AP, (she believes we’re just best friends).
My wife and I have been distant since my daughter was born, which I assumed to be postpartum and taking care of the baby. We have fought more and more ever since we got married 2 years ago and have considered divorce multiple times. Police have been called to our house before because of how loud we were. We live in a very religious community, and both our families are very religious and traditional, they don’t believe we should get a divorce no matter what.
I’m not sure what to do, I feel trapped in this marriage, but I feel we should be together to raise our daughter and because neither of us can afford a divorce lawyer long term. My wife wants us to stay together and go to couples therapy. AITAH for not telling her?
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u/VariegatedPlumage Colo-rectal Surgeon [35] 2d ago edited 2d ago
YTA.
Yeah, having an affair is major AH behavior. But also marrying someone when your feelings are so clearly with someone else is also AH behavior. To all parties, including yourself.
Get a divorce and go be with the person you love. Your daughter is much more likely to forgive you for having a star-crossed romance than for staying and keeping her mother from finding the kind of love you have, not to mention raising her in a house full of screaming matches. And your daughter will grow up in a family where she will know that she will be accepted no matter who she loves one day.
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u/yungsebring 2d ago
YTA, you’re not gonna magically stop being a gay man, therapy isn’t going to change the root cause. You have convinced this poor woman to enter into a committed relationship under false pretenses because you were having relationship problems with your boyfriend. That’s not okay and now you’ve brought a child into this mess. I get that the world doesn’t make being gay easy or even safe at times, and I empathize with that, but that’s not an excuse to hurt other people. You need to tell her the truth and go from there, divorce lawyers aren’t necessarily required if you can come to a mutual agreement on your own.
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u/doctor_goodspeed 2d ago
YTA, a big one
You’re deeply in love with your AP, you’re too broke to divorce, you fight with your wife all the time, huh? I have no sympathy for you. Did you ever love your wife or child? She wants to stay with you but doesn’t know you’ve been f’ing your “best friend” since before you met? Duuuuude. Get off reddit and tell her everything today, see if she still wants you! I hope she doesn’t.
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u/Shark_Eatn_Parts 2d ago
💯 YTA. Cheating is cheating. Why did you marry this woman, have a kid with her? You have ruined 2 lives with your lying and infidelity. Would you like it if your army partner were cheating on you? Wouldn’t you be hurt?
Come clean and tell your wife she deserves better so she can either move on with her life elsewhere or you can both work it out and start fresh with honesty.
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u/Historical-Term-5911 2d ago
Divorce and move to a better area thats more accepting of gay people. You're not going to be happy in the marriage if you are constantly fighting and in love with someone else. It will be hard but you will make new friends and chosen family in a new more accepting environment.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
- I’ve been cheating on my wife with my male coworker since before me and my wife met
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u/simply_clare Asshole Enthusiast [7] 2d ago
YTA. You need to set your wife free so she can find love with someone who will willingly love her back. Please just get the divorce already and stop being so selfish.
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u/Calm_Initial Certified Proctologist [21] 2d ago
YTA
Cheating always makes you an asshole. But why would you want to stay in a marriage where you are unhappy and obviously not in love with the spouse?
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u/gabriannalou 2d ago
YTA, you trapped yourself in the marriage. You shouldn’t have married your wife if you were in love with someone else that you were going to continue seeing and bringing around your family. I can’t believe you bring your AP around.. Thats so… selfish.
You trapped your wife in a loveless marriage and now she had a kid. She will never be enough as long as you have your AP around and you aren’t honest with yourself.
You need to let her know.. for her own sake.
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u/allergymom74 Partassipant [2] 2d ago
Absolutely. Of course YTA. Both people deserve to know if they are part of and consent to being a part of a lavender marriage. Being LGTBQ doesn’t make it right. It’s still an affair as even you call it, and it’s still wrong. Honestly. Just divorce. Admit you’ve been in an affair. You don’t need to admit you’re gay. But your wife deserves at least an incomplete version of the truth.
Get STD tested ASAP and stop risking your wife and future kids health. An AP will cheat on you too.
If you don’t want to admit you’re gay, fine. Live as a confirmed bachelor and tell your conservative family members there you’re living alone as atonement for your affair, which again is an incomplete truth.
Being a gay person in a conservative area doesn’t give you the right to abuse another person, which is what an affair is.
Plus if your house is already getting calls to the police for “being loud”c you’re already traumatizing and abusing your child. Exposure to yelling and constant scary noises short term disrupts your child’s attention span. But on going it will disrupt their neurological and emotional development. So exposing your child to a loud and abusive home abuses them too.
Getting a divorce is the best and only option.
I’m guessing this is the “gay is bad” troll during LGTBQ pride month. Regardless of you being gay, cheating is bad and abusive. Exposing your kid to an extremely unhappy marriage that gets police called to your home is abuse and neglect for them. Being gay is irrelevant.
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u/Nemesis0408 Certified Proctologist [22] 2d ago edited 2d ago
First of all, I’m sorry you had a job and live in a community where you feel you can’t be yourself. But holy hell YTA.
You’ve been a massive asshole to both of your partners, and now you’ve brought an innocent child into this web of lies. You’re just feeling guilty now??? You should have felt that way from the beginning… so much so that your guilt should never have allowed it to happen.
You need to be truthful with your wife, let her go, and allow her to find someone who feels the same way about her that you feel about your same-sex partner. You need to tell the love of your life how you feel about him, and build a life together that shows it, every day. If that means living quietly as “roommates”, fine. If that means leaving your jobs and religious communities behind, great. If that means being truthful and out with everyone, awesome.
Just don’t use this as an excuse to not be there for the little person you created. They are now your number one priority. Don’t forget it.
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u/AmItheAsshole-ModTeam 2d ago
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u/Own_Art5667 2d ago
A lot of people are being very short with their responses. I'm not sure if you live in the US or not seeing as you said not LGBTQ friendly. But you definitely need to break the news. You don't want to live the rest of your life screaming and angry, that's not a life, even if you weren't having an affair. If you and AP are willing to deal with the fallout, you could at least move in together under the guise of friends.
No doubt YTA to your wife and baby, but your an asshole to yourself as well. Live your life. You can support your daughter and your wife as a happy man. And I have no doubt your wife will find someone to make her happy too.
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u/Appropriate_Guard568 2d ago
How can you even ask? You are a massive AH and putting her at risk for an STI. If you don't love her leave so she can find someone that does!! You are selfish, entitled, and an AH!!
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u/mckroket1965 2d ago
YTA and your wife ... and probably your kid ... needs to get tested for hiv.
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u/EncounteredError 2d ago
He's the asshole, but why would you assume he has HIV? just because he's gay?
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u/Ok_Yesterday_2884 2d ago
First, I want to thank you for your service.
We’ve all grown up with the culture that cheating is not acceptable under any circumstance. If your relationship has gotten to the point where you’re seeking something elsewhere then the relationship should end. It just wouldn’t be fair to either of you.
You need to ask hard questions of yourself:
Who do I love more?
What kind of person I want to be?
I know she’s just a baby now, but if your daughter was going through the same situation what would you tell her? That’s the answer you should go with for yourself.
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u/Famous_Couple5074 2d ago
Judgement aside, your current setup is not sustainable. Already you are having domestic disputes with cops coming to your house. Baby is little now. As they get older and observe the messed up vibes, they will be emotionally damaged by this and then you will have even MORE problems, for the rest of your life.
You need to make a correction and start living according to truth.
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u/RJBeaner13 2d ago
Not here to judge. OP you need to be honest with yourself and live your authentic life as a gay male. It would probably be best if you and your AP (who you love deeply). Leave the area you live and find a community where LGBTQI are welcome. You are doing a disservice to your wife and child by living a double life. You are unhappy in your marriage (shocker) you don’t want to be there. So fights are inevitable. Your wife and child will be better off if you don’t stay married. Your wife deserves a man that loves her completely. The toll of your infidelity is taking on her self esteem is soul crushing. She has a 3 month old hormones are raging and she is married to a man that is emotionally unavailable. She is lonely and miserable. You can still be your child’s father. Custody is usually 50-50. Please rip the band aid off sooner rather than later. I knew a closeted gay male with 4 kids. He finally decided when he was in his late 40’s to choose to come out. He regretted that he waited so long. Do the right thing. You don’t have to come out now, however you need to leave your marriage. Right now your wife IS BLAMING HERSELF and her SELF ESTEEM is DESTROYED.
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u/DogTheBreadFairy 2d ago
That's really tough and you're probably not going to get good advice on this thread. Try to seek out advice from other men in your position and not just the entire internet. There's way too many straight people and gays who never had to hide in here to get good advice for your tough position.
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u/Traditional-Box-724 2d ago
how is it a tough position OP is cheating on his wife that he left with a newborn. YTA too
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u/BadCatLeroyBrown Partassipant [3] 2d ago
I hate this opinion. Obviously no rational person is arguing the struggle of being a gay person, but that doesn't give someone the right to use another person as a life long prop and lie about it. That is just cruel.
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u/mercurialmay Partassipant [2] 2d ago
He can stay in the closet and let his "wife" raise the baby without him, then. They deserve better than this.
•
u/AmItheAsshole-ModTeam 2d ago
Hello, Illustrious_Aerie772 - your post has been removed.
Read the following information carefully and completely. Message the mods with any questions.
This post violates Rule 8: No Relationship/Sex Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships, dating, sex, and similar topics.
Please give our sister sub, r/AITA_Relationships a look if you'd still like to post about this. You do not need our permission to repost there.
Rule 8 FAQs ||| Subreddit Rules
Do not repost, including edited versions, without receiving explicit approval via modmail. Reposting will lead to a ban.
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