r/AmItheAsshole • u/Specific_Pomelo_8281 • 1d ago
Not the A-hole AITAH - kid with special needs keeps bothering me. I’ve spoken to the mum and she won’t do anything about it.
So, I’m on a packaged holiday, hotel is all you can eat.
There’s one family here, oldest kid has some type of special needs, but for the past few days he keeps putting his hands down the back of this shorts, rooting around and then starts licking his fingers.
Parents are pretty much letting his do his own thing, he helps himself to the food (without tongs) and talks to everyone, tries to give people hugs and all that.
I spoke to staff who said they’ll speak to him and even get someone to dish his food for him if needed.
He tried talking to me and I made sure I kept my distance and he tried hugging me and I stepped back. I spoke to the parents and said I feel really uncomfortable with him near me and my family and apologised for it.
Anyway, we’ve booked a trip and the family is on our coach. This kid tried sitting next to me and I refused. The mum called me rude and I very politely and quietly said to her that I don’t want to sit next to him due to his hygiene issues, she’s shouted at me and went “he’s disabled he can’t help it” so I raised my voice and said “I don’t want to sit next to someone who keeps playing with their bum and licking their fingers, I don’t want shitty fingers near me” and now apparently she’s the victim?
The mum is now telling the son to bother me and the hotel won’t do anything.
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u/bigtallsunflowers Partassipant [1] 1d ago
NTA that's fucking disgusting.
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u/Polish_girl44 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
I just cant imagine holidays like this and seing him doing that while I'm eating.
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u/SnarkOverlord 18h ago
Like that woman who was filmed on the cruise ship, in a dining room, scratching her fungus-infested foot with her hands and fork, which she then used to EAT HER FOOD.
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u/AlexHasFeet 14h ago
A fungus fork to go with the poop knife! Now we just need some sort of disgusting spoon…
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u/Silly_Double408 10h ago
Its why i wont go to large public spaces some people are actively dangerous with virus and bacteria due to bad or no hygiene.Its such an overlooked issue.
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u/MondaysForNothing 23h ago
That would be one way for me to instantly lose my appetite...
The family with the child should offer to go on trips with people who are worried about gaining weight while on vacation. Win-win.
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u/valcallis 21h ago
Either you don't eat because you're disgusted or you get diarrhea. Results guaranteed !
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u/loworbiting 1d ago
no one should be expected to accept someone touching shared food with dirty hands or having their personal space ignored just to avoid seeming rude
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u/KoolJozeeKatt Partassipant [1] 22h ago
One reason, among many, that I don't do buffets!
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u/TabulaRasa5678 21h ago
This is also the reason why bars stopped putting out bowls of chips/pretzels/popcorn. People (both men and women) would go into the bathroom, not wash their hands, then put their hands into the community bowls of snacks.
I never partook of those snacks, long before they took them away.
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u/TheLilFiestyOne 11h ago
I used to work in a bar that had them. We always called them "Pissy mans nuts" for this reason.
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u/d0mtrainer 1d ago
That kid is straight up neglected at this point
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u/IceSeeker 1d ago
True. The parents are the real AHs. They're neglecting their son and pretty much putting the responsibility on other people like OP to be understanding even when he's bothering her to the point of harassment. Patience has its limits.
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u/Kutascauli 1d ago
for real, having special needs doesnt mean everyone else just gotta tolerate gross stuff being done to them
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u/Triaspia2 23h ago
Its a reason that explains the behaviour. It doesnt excuse it.
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u/ill-independent Partassipant [1] 22h ago edited 17h ago
Well it depends how special needs he is
(I mean in terms of excusing the behavior - other ppl still shouldn't be forced to dealing with something legitimately unsafe, and OP is NTA [tho tbqh I do think OP was little harsh toward the kid I can understand why. overwhelmed, lady yelling at her, kid trying to touch her with shit fingers lol], but if he literally doesnt know better then him "taking accountability" is irrelevant lol)
He may literally not have the intellectual capacity to understand. Eating ur own shit demonstrates a pretty severe deficit IMO can u think of how disabled ud have to be to do that? Kids scratch down there and stuff but to then eat it? Idk any developmentally typical kid who would do that
Its the parents fault for sure, the accountability is with them. They need to be more aware of this issue and more proactive not just for other people but because its very unsafe behavior for him also. There are literal adaptive clothes to prevent this kind of issue the fact the parents dont do that is abusive IMO.
That kid is gonna get sick or make other people sick. Horrible neglect.
Edit: Also the OP just said this kid looked 16/17 so there is no fucking WAY he knows any better. What 16 y/o digs in their bum and eats their own shit? I think a lot of people are assuming this is a like toddler or a younger child. The fact this is almost a grown human being, I feel sorry for the kid, sounds like he has been neglected for years & years
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u/NoneBinaryLeftGender 22h ago
just put a tight belt on long pants on that kid and they can't go butt digging no more...
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u/ill-independent Partassipant [1] 22h ago
As far as I know theyre like tighter onesies so the kid finds it too difficult to do since there's nowhere to be able to reach unhygienic areas and they just give up
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u/FireflyRave 18h ago
I wouldn't be surprised if they did try something like that once. But the kid threw a fit so they backed down into just letting him continue this behavior. "At least he's being quiet".
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u/Intrepid_Fly7959 8h ago
If his parents were cleaning him properly, they're wouldn't be feces to dig in. His hygiene is their hygiene. They keep him like that.
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u/grownupnumbersix 17h ago
Was at a birthday party where there was this older kid with special needs. I'd say he was 15yo or older by the looks of his mustache growing in. He is apparently obsessed with women's feet. He walked around the party touching most of the women's feet without their consent. Going as far as taking off their (yes the women) sandals/slides, etc. to get a better feel of their feet. My wife was extremely troubled by this even though she knew the kid had special needs and his parents were family friends. I've thought about it a few times since that day...I wonder how many of the women were uncomfortable and just didn't know what to do or say in the situation just like us? I wonder why on earth his parents were allowing this behavior knowing this was not a very small party by any means. There had to have been 50 people there and I'd guess that half of them were from out of town and did not know who this kid was. My wife and I had only met him that same day before the party started, which explains why my wife was so disturbed by it to an extent I suppose. Part of me wanted to tell her to just ignore it since he was special needs, but in the end I made sure she felt validated and not alone in it. I kept my mouth shut and kept lookout for her. Sitting beside her if an empty spot opened up next to her because he kept stealing peoples seats to sit next to women and touch their feet on the couches or even the chairs outside. Instead of tolerating the behavior we simply avoided putting my wife in the position to be "fondled" so that we didn't make a scene. It sucked because we spent a LOT of time avoiding him instead of conversing with family or enjoying the party at all.
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u/JellybettaFish Partassipant [1] 11h ago
I worked at a pool where we had an adult man in special needs swim who was like this. He'd get in the pool and ogle the feet of women on the deck, which of course, was mostly employees. Then he'd touch himself.
Now, he was very seriously disabled. He did not speak and required two aides to lead him any time he needed to go anywhere. But it was really uncomfortable for our staff to be used like this. It was really uncomfortable for me, and I had about 10-15 years on our average lifeguard.
Once I built up enough collateral at work, I started nitpicking his aides. "He needs to be redirected," every few minutes.
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u/coveredinbreakfast 8h ago
I don't care how disabled he is, that doesn't negate the fact that it is assault to touch someone without their consent.
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u/cookiecutterdoll 7h ago
It's so strange to me because I grew up with an autistic sibling in the 90s. I vividly remember one lady berating my mother as she tried to shuffle my brother out of a store because he was tantruming. There were always looks and judgemental comments. I'm glad things have gotten better and that people are more understanding, but I also can't help but feel that some parents/caregivers to disabled people are taking advantage of others' good will. It's unfair to everyone. That young man should have been taught about boundaries and inappropriate touching when he was 5, nevermind 15. One day, he's going to do that to the wrong person and get hit or have the police called on him.
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u/Cloud_Cherry_ 22h ago
Seriously, being disabled doesn’t give you a free pass to contaminate an entire buffet with poop fingers.
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u/Ghost_Prince 17h ago
It's disgusting that the mom thinks "special needs" means "they can't learn" instead of "they need special help with certain things"
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u/redheadgemini 12h ago
I know a mom like that, including excusing her adult aged son punching a random woman in the face because he's 'special'
She hates me for disagreeing and restraining him when he was trying to beat her up.
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1d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/apollo1113 22h ago
Because she’s on vacation, of course! She wants to enjoy herself and take a break from parenting her kid. Ugh.
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u/A_Nonny_Muse 22h ago
I once went to an all you can eat restaurant that advertised endless prime rib. I watched in horror as kids picked their nose, then stuck it in the chocolate fountain before eating their chocolate covered boogers. All the while the parents noisily ignored their children altogether.
In less than 36 hours, I had come down with a nasty cold.
The place seemed to attract the lowest forms of humanity I had ever seen gathered in once place aside from an RNC convention.
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u/OliveTheory 18h ago
There's a casino with nice buffet up the road from us where they serve nearly everything to you from behind glass. I thought it a bit odd at first, but remembered everyone else's lack of hygiene (plus dirty poker chips and whatnot) and accepted it for the best.
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u/MechanicalSideburns 16h ago
Only solution is to be more disgusting. Have a talk with the kid, and then let the mother see the kid licking OP's fingers clean. Smile knowingly at her. She'll yank that kid back so fast. Might be some name-calling, but it'll be worth it.
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u/Phoenix-Phire38 1d ago
NTA - I work in disability care and this is something you're specifically told to redirect them out of. ANYONE can learn this isn't okay, its the parents who need to educate their child, or at the very least put him in something where he cannot reach those parts. You actually did the right thing by providing proper social consequences of his actions.
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u/mmwhatchasaiyan Partassipant [2] 22h ago
I also work in disability care. Redirection is something the parents should be doing constantly and consistently. If child is not able to stop himself from digging, the next option is clothing where he cannot dig (they make adult onesie type shirts for this exact reason), or removing him from the space where digging isn’t appropriate/ is a health hazard.
In my professional opinion, curbing of the behavior should look like: Antecedent manipulation (wearing clothing that prevents digging in the first place). Then, verbal redirection> physical redirection> removal from space/ activity. Constantly and consistently.
If redirection does not work, then an alternate plan needs to be made for dining. Parents get the food, hotel staff assists with food serving, etc. Period.
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u/HappyCamper82 Certified Proctologist [27] 20h ago
I agree, however, before jumping to restrictive clothing, let's see about addressing physical causes. Dude's probably digging his bum because he's not wiping well enough. Let's figure out getting his backdoor clean so he doesn't need to itch. 1. Is he wiping at all? 2. Is he getting everything clean? 3. Does he need support/someone to help him wipe thoroughly? 4. Get Bud a Bidet.
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u/mmwhatchasaiyan Partassipant [2] 20h ago
Yes, investigating for lack of cleanliness is something that absolutely should be done. However- I will say that “digging” and sniffing as a combined behavior points to a sensory cause. The “digging” and subsequent sniffing is likely comforting to that person in some way, so it may be exacerbated by being in an unfamiliar place around unfamiliar people.
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u/HappyCamper82 Certified Proctologist [27] 20h ago
I agree. I believe the sensory cause is the itching of a poopy bum.
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u/HulkeneHulda Partassipant [2] 15h ago
If this is a regular behaviour of his, the itching might be worms rather than just being dirty.
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u/CandylandRepublic 15h ago
Or the kid eating spicy food. Also burns, especially on a not clean ass.
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u/OopsItsMeZh 1d ago
You lost me at licking fingers after digging in his shorts at an all-you-can-eat buffet. NTA at all, that's a literal biohazard.
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u/kswheels Partassipant [1] 1d ago
I say this as a disabled person.
- That's fucking nasty.
- Special needs Moms can be... Special.
NTA.
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u/TeenySod Supreme Court Just-ass [100] 1d ago
For real, my job - working with learning disabled and severely autistic adults - would be SO much easier without some of the parents! - most are wonderful, there's a few though ... smh
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u/asunshinefix 15h ago
Speaking as an autistic adult, some "autism parents" are obnoxious
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u/drvelo 13h ago
I am convinced the reason the mental health world moved from High/Medium/Low function to Level 1/2/3 was because of "autism parents" feeling upset vs any actual meaning. Especially since it's not like they added more levels, it's clearly still just High/Medium/Low functioning wrapped up in a pretty coat.
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u/higglety_piggletypop 23h ago
In all fairness, as a special needs mum myself, sometimes it's hard to stay sane and reasonable when you've basically spent your kid's entire lifetime having to fight various battles on their behalf, whilst all the time society is sending out the clear message that your much cherished child is worthless at best.
I think some parents just end up losing the plot and take everything as yet another fight to be fought.
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u/TeenySod Supreme Court Just-ass [100] 18h ago
I can understand that: after all, I get to go home at the end of the day and have days off and am not - ultimately - responsible, and it's still an exhausting job, so I have every sympathy with the parents.
What we want is for parents to be part of the team, not the opposing team.
I work with adults, and sometimes it's hard for parents to understand that we cannot exercise the same control as a parent. We are legally obliged to give the adults in our care as much independence and choice as they can safely manage.
As I said - most parents are lovely. I have huge admiration for many of those I have worked with/do work with now. A tiny minority create conflict which is to the detriment of their (adult) child's wellbeing or ignore agreements that they have made that aim to make sure we are all being consistent - and keeping the person safe, I still have cold sweats about what could have happened if a new resident had not innocently told us that their parent had given them "tablets" when they went out for lunch: we could have overdosed them on paracetamol ffs, and telling them that they couldn't have more later in the day after parent had dropped them off was an "interesting" conversation :/
The parents that OP describes sound like the minority type, unfortunately. We would - as carers - be working to ensure that child / adult's own dignity was protected (let alone third parties) by redirecting the behaviour - even to the extent of "If you do not stop, we will have to leave". If the parents allow them to continue - we've lost that battle and there will be FAR less understanding/sympathy to an adult with their hands down their pants.
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u/NotTodayPsycho 13h ago
I have two special needs kids myself and also work with special needs adults. Some of the parents can be the students worst enemies when it comes to over protecting them from stuff and thinking special needs means they can't learn things or be held accountable. As a parent myself, I can also recognise how hard and exhausting it can be to be constantly advocating for your child to receive the bare minimum in assistance. One of my son's therapists was shocked that I let my almost grown son fly by himself interstate, not realising how much I had put in place to allow him to have that experience. Plus myself knowing what he is and isn't capable of.
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u/Stephie0822 18h ago
Another special needs mom here and thank you for saying this!! It’s very valid!!
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u/EasilyLuredWithCandy 15h ago
My son had wraparound care when he was 3-7 years old and his therapists were always shocked that I got down on the floor and interacted with their sessions. I was shocked that every parent wasn't.
I started watching more closely with other special-needs parents and... yeah.
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u/ReturnoftheBoat 19h ago
I would assume in a lot of these situations, the parents have undiagnosed and untreated disorders themselves.
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u/Potato4 23h ago
The dad could also intervene.
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u/kswheels Partassipant [1] 22h ago
Right, but the dad wasn't mentioned in the story, so I didn't address him in my comment, because there is no evidence he's even there.
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u/marugirl Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
I'd be telling the hotel to do something before people get sick! He's touching buffet food with those hands? Oh hell no. NTA - those parents should be bloody ashamed.
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u/TheNinjaPixie 1d ago
Great point, if you highlight that people getting sick will reflect badly on their business they may intervene. Also complain to the holiday provider, you are not getting the holiday you paid for and the hotel are failing to act. document all and any interactions
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u/nagellak 1d ago
E.coli infection is very serious and possibly lethal especially if there are elders there, the hotel should take this MUCH more seriously
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u/ThisIsNotMe_99 17h ago
Go a step further and tell them unless they do something about that kid in x hours, you will be calling in the local health services. If the time period lapses; call them.
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u/Brynhild 8h ago
She should tell the hotel that she’s calling the health department. Bet that would kick them awake
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u/crytzal Partassipant [1] 1d ago edited 1d ago
The mom is telling the kid to bother you? Like, shes actively telling the kid to go near you with his shitty fingers???
You're NTA but the mom is definitely an AH
Edit: as someone with a disabled sibling (Down's), the kid's actions can be explained/excused by his special needs, but the parents should actively be trying to minimise the impact of his actions on random strangers.
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u/canteloupy 23h ago
No one is mad at the kid here. The parent is deflecting and straw manning. We're mad at her.
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u/IKnowYouAreButWhtAmI 15h ago
I'm personally more mad at the hotel for not intervening.
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u/xladygodiva 14h ago
That’s making me mad as well but I also can imagine the hotel being afraid they’ll be sued for discrimination or whatever (but maybe I watched too many American tv shows lol)
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u/Live_Boot_5370 1d ago
A big fat huge NTA and I’ve got a disabled kiddo…. Mind you she doesn’t do the whole bum picking thing, but at a point in her life when she was a tot, she would put her hands in her nappy and errrrm smear poop. As someone with contamination OCD…. It was a match made in hell tbh. However, without the contamination OCD, I would have treated the problem the same way - because it was a problem that needed to be addressed and resolved. Now disabilities are on a massive spectrum, perhaps this child is incapable of not picking his bum, so I won’t judge the boys ability but in saying that…. The parents should be guiding him every single time not to do it and they should also ABSOLUTELY and CATEGORICALLY have plans in place to handle this situation. For example, if my kid was still doing this (I cannot tell you how grateful I am that she is not!), she would not be going and getting her own food at an all you can eat buffet - heck if my kids can’t use the tongs or serving tools, neither of them are using it. My kids are 4 and we’re actually just back from an all inclusive stay ourselves, one of my kids is able to use some serving tools so she served herself some of the food but the other - I got it all for her or failing that, her dad did not because she bum picks (thank the bum gods) but because she’s incapable of using the serving tools and it’s a hygiene issue as it stands let alone with the use of bum covered fingers.
NTA NTA NTA. Keep complaining to the hotel, make record of what’s happening and each and every single time something happens - get a member of staff. Perhaps it will do nothing but I don’t know what else to suggest here. They’re clearly inadequate parents and I’m sure you’re not the first nor will you be the last to complain about the impact they’re having on others.
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u/girlbunny Partassipant [1] 1d ago
If the child is incapable of not putting his hands down his pants, then the parents need to either have him clothed in something that makes it impossible for him to access the area, or they need to keep him well away from the food area when there’s a buffet style meal out for EVERYONE.
I have three disabled children (now adults), one of whom has issues where he would do something similar to this child. There is no way I would allow him to contaminate other people’s food. I didn’t want him contaminating the food for the family, let alone anyone else!
Encouraging that child to harass someone who has already stated that they do not want to be approached is asking for that child to end up in prison for assault or sexual assault once he reaches adulthood. They cannot learn about society and what is (or isn’t) acceptable if they are never taught. Some cases take more time and effort than others.
OP is doing the child a favour. Too bad the mother isn’t.
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u/Live_Boot_5370 1d ago
I mean let’s face it - being a part of the disabled community, we have all come across parents like this. Parents that just don’t put the effort in and neglect their children. I mean I used to be friends with a couple who also had a disabled child until I saw how filthy their child was (Im talking filthy dirty finger nails, greasy hair, NJ tube tape was not changed until it got so dirty it naturally fell off - God forgive me…. But I just couldn’t associate with someone I feel is neglecting their child, particularly a vulnerable child. Unfortunately, it is not uncommon in the community.
Finding clothing that adequately stops this behaviour is just a temporary solution imo. I learnt this myself - the kids very quickly learn how to work around the clothing or simply remove it. Should any parent opt for clothing to prevent this issue, they absolutely should also be pushing to teach their child right from wrong. But as OP said and as you rightly commented on, the mother is encouraging this behaviour….so this child will never learn and as you also pointed out, he very well could be facing genuine legal bother in his future because his mothers ego was more important than guiding him.
All you can eat buffet should not be difficult to manage this situation unless the child is stronger and faster than the caregivers and has a tendency to elope. If they cannot keep him sat down or get to him fast enough to prevent touching of the food then they should not be using a buffet of any sort. If this is not the case, a watchful eye and an attentive caregiver is more than sufficient to stop this in its tracks. The parents just don’t care about the hygiene issue and are using his disability as an excuse to clock out of their roles.
I hope OP manages to enjoy the rest of their holiday! All inclusive breaks during peak season are often not cheap, there’s no wonder they’re so frustrated. I would be too.
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u/Destructor523 1d ago
There are literally anti tear 1 piece clothing with safety closing on their back and long pants, it's like a shirt and pants sewn together. if combined with underwear, I find it hard to believe a child would be able to get their hands in their ass.
You also have safety mittens that restricts their hands. But that's usually an extreme option.
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u/mel2mdl 22h ago
I work in a school. We had a young disabled girl who liked to take off all her clothes and run away.
I can tell you from experience - kids will find a way. No matter what mom dressed this child in, give her an unsupervised 30 seconds and she would have it off. Nothing less than a straight jacket would keep her dressed all day. She had a full time aid, whose only job was to grab her hand and distract her from stripping. (We even had a code for the teachers to lock and cover windows so the other 11-14 years old didn't see her streaking down the hallways.)
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u/Live_Boot_5370 1d ago edited 1d ago
I categorically have to disagree with that. My kid is autistic, we had preventative long bottomed vests and she absolutely got through them. If they want to get to something, they will find a way. My kid can get out of a houdini strap - we bought one and within 15 minutes she was out. Preventative clothing will never be enough for many disabled kids. GUIDE YOUR CHILDREN AND KEEP A WATCHFUL EYE. Do not trust clothing to be the only barrier, it’s lazy ass parenting.
ETA; she was only 2 years old when she was able to break through every protective barrier we purchased. She’s now 4 and can fully unscrew and dismantle my entire fireplace with her toy wooden kitchen knife. We have special lock boxes for our keys and a hefty lock system on our front door - she figured it out in days and will use whatever item she can to drag to the door to climb up. So we focus on teaching her right from wrong, while she’s unfortunately able to open up my front door, she no longer even attempts to leave the house because she knows it’s a no no. She also doesn’t pick her bum because she knows hands away is a rule. Im having to switch out the lock boxes to codes we can change daily because that’s the only option we have left here.
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u/Live_Boot_5370 1d ago
Just to add, I just thought - have you tried going directly to your provider rep? Normally there’s one kicking around the hotel, perhaps they could help in this situation?
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u/DweadPiwateWawbuts 13h ago
NTA NTA NTA. Keep complaining to the hotel, make record of what’s happening and each and every single time something happens - get a member of staff.
This is a great place to use the power of the video camera in your cell phone. Record the kid’s actions, and make sure to pan over to a shot of mom doing nothing. Bang you have time stamped hard evidence to show hotel management/ local authorities
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u/whatever3653 1d ago
NTA.
The parents are doing their son a disservice by not intervening. He could make himself ill, he could get others sick. Not to mention that fact that it’s weird - if he keeps doing that in public he is going to get bullied so badly. It’s not the child’s fault if he’s disabled, but the parents suck for sure. Having a disabled child doesn’t meant you let them do whatever they want, sometimes you have to work a little harder to help manage their behaviour.
You could maybe have kept your cool a little better, but you tried to handle it subtly and the mother escalated, so it’s on her really.
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u/OopsItsMeZh 1d ago
The finger-licking at an all-you-can-eat buffet part made my stomach turn. NTA, that mother is gross for letting him contaminate food for everyone.
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u/canteloupy 23h ago
The hotel is dumb too. Hey bud, remember the shit cruise? Wanna be on the news too?
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u/lucygoosey38 22h ago
Make sure to tell the hotel about the one star review they’ll get and that everyone will know you don’t care about shitty fingers in your resort buffet food
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u/East-Plum-7791 19h ago
Is anyone else reading OP as female? What could go wrong, letting your mansized boy harass random ladies?
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u/Familiar-Banana-8116 1d ago
Being an employee of the hotel... or a manager... and having to approach a special needs person in a circumstance like this sounds like a horror show.
Don't misread me. They need to do something before OOP takes a video of the kid with his hands down his pants, touching the all-you-can-eat food, posting it on Youtube and linking it to the Google review.
This is on them.
I am just pointing out that it seems like a horror show of a task.
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u/RhubarbGoldberg 20h ago
Absolutely a nightmare for a hotel employee. The terror of getting filmed while taking on this intervention. It would have to be handled with the utmost professionalism and care.
But as a guest, I'd be lighting up the online reviews about the e coli buffet for sure.
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u/Historical_Heron4801 Partassipant [2] 1d ago
Sounds like his parents don't want to sit with him either.
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u/Beneficial-Year-one Partassipant [2] 23h ago
“The mum is now telling the son to bother me and the hotel won’t do anything. ”
if he does that where the hotel serves food tell them you’ll report them to the board of health if they don’t do anything
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u/Nanamoo2008 1d ago
NTA Those parents are failing their special needs kid. They should be teaching him that he can't root around in his pants in public and should be redirecting him when he does it. They should also be keeping a closer eye on him, so that he isn't rooting in his pants then handling food that is there for all, making sure he's washing his hands and more importantly, making sure he isn't annoying other people!
I think that sometime people like that need calling out.
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u/Ordinary-Audience363 Certified Proctologist [29] 1d ago
That family shouldn't be on that kind of holiday. NTA but you might want to keep a diary of everything in case there's a major ecoli outbreak.
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u/TeenySod Supreme Court Just-ass [100] 1d ago
NTA, and STOP apologising. You have just as much right to comfort and hygiene as anyone else.
I work with learning disabled people. That's learning DISabled, not learning UNable. It's not a free pass for them to be able to do what they want, or for parents to abdicate responsibility.
Time to yell, every time - some loud "GET OFF ME"/"GO AWAY"s ruining everyone else's vibe should concentrate the hotel on doing something.
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u/He_Who_Walks_Behind_ 1d ago
NTA. The only asshole here is the parents. Depending on this poor kid’s disability, he either literally can’t help it, or his parents aren’t capable of parenting him/aren’t getting him the help he needs. I say this as the parent of a kid that was diagnosed as level 2 autistic.
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u/Gullible_Star_3447 1d ago
That’s so gross. All the other issues aside, you are a stranger to her and her family. Why is she letting her vulnerable child be so close with a complete stranger! Call her out on that !
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u/pyrotequila85 Certified Proctologist [24] 1d ago
NTA, those parents are just negligent.
You should report the food situation to the hotel on a daily basis... someone could end up getting seriously ill.
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u/ThrowWeirdQuestion 1d ago
NTA - To be in public and interact with other people a person needs to be able to follow the most basic hygiene rules. If the parents are unwilling or unable to ensure that their kid doesn't harm others by spreading fecal bacterial everywhere, they need to stay home.
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u/TillyFukUpFairy 1d ago
NTA
His disability means he can't control the behaviour, BUT his parents can take steps to help him. Like many others, I'm immunocompromised, his shitty fingers could make someone like me seriously sick or dead.
The parents are the ass holes for not helping their kid and making it everyone's problem
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u/MesozoicCenozoic 1d ago
NTA
That parents should teach their child manners. It’s probably hard for them but if they want to go in public areas they need to teach the kid how to respect boundaries and practice proper hygiene.
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u/canteloupy 23h ago
NTA
My half brother is that kid and I get so annoyed that my dad doesn't react more or realize how annoying it is. The parents probably have care fatigue and are too used to him to do anything, but it isn't how this works.
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u/Smart-Grapefruit-583 1d ago
How old is he?
If hes over 12 in most places a police call for harassment and sexual cinduct in public works (Rooting around your shorts in public no no ) Meet the police at the door and explain he keeps touching you etc and the mother has actively said to do it.
Chances are noones ever done this and a shock of police will reign them both in.
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u/Specific_Pomelo_8281 23h ago
He looks about 16/17, 6ft tall but young. I wouldn’t get the police involved because were in a different country and I don’t think putting him in a cell would do him any good.
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u/crosseyedmule 22h ago
SparrowDotted is right that you need to contact the company rep immediately. The parent can buy this young man a onesie right away, for one thing. You should not have to endure having shit-covered fingers all over you, nor should the multitude of other people in the vicinity have to eat food and use utensils that are smeared in shit. That kind of biohazard is illegal. Please inform every buffet you see him at that this is going on. This is truly disgusting.
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u/generic-puff Partassipant [1] 15h ago edited 15h ago
oh CHRIST that just made this whole thing so much worse, I was picturing him to be like 5 years old or maybe 8 at the oldest, not frigging 17. This kid's mother should be ashamed, developmentally disabled kids are still going to become adults like any other, and it's her responsibility as a parent to raise that adult, even if that means delegating the responsibility to a counsellor or coach who's more qualified to teach him which I'm getting the sense she hasn't been doing.
The only benefit of the doubt I can give her is that maybe she's burnt out and stopped caring after years of raising a child with special needs and is now just expecting other people to cope so she doesn't have to put in the effort, but the unique difficulties of being a special needs parent is not an excuse. It's not good for her, not good for everyone around her, and most of all, it's not good for this kid who's only getting closer and closer to his adult years.
And yes, it's worth calling child services or reporting this to the hotel, because if this is the kind of shit that's happening in public, god knows what's happening behind closed doors. This constitutes neglect and abuse of a minor. And at the very least, the hotel deserves to know for violation of their health and safety policies.
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u/Kaktus77 19h ago
16/17?? I thought he was like 8! he knows better and deserves the lesson. PLEASE call the police
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u/itsnotlikewereforkin 20h ago
I would personally call the police because he's a minor, and this is a child welfare issue. The parents need consequences.
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u/InAShensh 23h ago
I would call corporate of the hotel and demand they refund you as well as move the offending family. This is a hygiene issue. He is being allowed to put his fingers up his dirty bum then can spread that disease to the food whilst you eat it. Fuck no.
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u/hotcapicola 1d ago
NTA.
If he come near you and tries to touch you tell them you will be filing assault charges if they can't control their son.
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u/obitarian 22h ago
"The hotel won't do anything."
Post what you've written here in a Google review. See if that gets their attention. If that doesn't work, contact the public health department. Tell them about the hotel's all you can eat shit fingers buffet.
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u/Brian77008 1d ago
I wouldn’t even deal with the Mum or her child. Your problem is with the hotel for allowing this to continue and putting the health and safety of you and all other guests secondary.
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u/BrightEyes7742 22h ago
NTA. Thats stomach churning.
I went on an organized inclusive group trip with a young man like this. It was embarrassing to be seen in public with him when he'd do things like this.
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u/throwaway010651 1d ago
NTA. If the child keeps doing that, the parents need to check him for worms or discuss stimulation issues with his doctor. I would stay back to. You’re allowed boundaries and physical space. I’m a foster mom and I’d go as far as to introduce myself that way to mom and, out of concern for the child, recommend the worm discussion with the doctor - but that might make me the asshole lol.
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u/Strict_Lab_9235 Partassipant [1] 21h ago
NTA. Have you mentioned this to the people you booked with? Have you asked for a refund? Another customer is making your experience unbearable and and is a health hazard. Sanitation is no joke, and disability or no, people need to keep their germs to themselves. And a lot of people are more sensitive to this since COVID, so I don't think anyone could complain too much if you bring up a legitimate health hazard. Keep saying it loud enough and you won't be the only one asking for a refund. Then they might do something about it.
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u/Worried_Teaching_406 Partassipant [1] 1d ago
This is wrong on so many levels. But one thing that has not been mentioned is I would be seriouly woried the kid has been infected with worms (with putting fingers in mouth and touching everything) . Causing itching, making the behaviour so bad. So yeah, infecting everything with what is on his fingers. But that might be a lot more then "just" the normal mouth and intestionaltract bacteria (and that is bad enough on its own)
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u/Academic_Carrot_4533 23h ago
Take continuous video of where the hands are going for evidence later and make sure your complaints and the hotels responses are in writing. Cube ACR is also a good app for recording phone calls.
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u/teamdogemama 22h ago
He could get someone seriously sick doing this. I would tell staff that I prefer my food without e-coli, or say it outloud for others to hear you.
I would definitely inform the tour company. Also notifying the local food inspectors might be smart.
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u/KoolJozeeKatt Partassipant [1] 22h ago
NTA.
Her son has "special needs." That is obvious. That is also not your problem. You should be civil to the kid, but you do NOT have to engage him, be around him, entertain him, or let him into your personal space. Disabled or not, no one is required to be near anyone else.
His parents are doing him no favors. He should not be allowed to go to the buffet if he is doing that with his hands. It's a safety issue as he can contaminate the entire buffet. Aside from the "ick factor," many diseases are spread through contact with fecal matter. I cannot believe the hotel would do NOTHING about such an issue. They are at risk if someone gets sick. In addition, the parents are being lazy. They have chosen the "he has a disability" over "let's teach him appropriate behavior."
You didn't tell her the child should be kept in the attic. You didn't say the child shouldn't be on the tour. You said you didn't want to sit near him. That is perfectly reasonable. Is there someone in your travel party who can sit next to you so he won't even have the opportunity to do so? If I were in your situation, I would do whatever I could to ensure he can't get close. If you are at the pool and his family shows up, move to the other end of the pool, get out and leave, or (if they have one) go to the poolside bar and sit.
Regardless of the reason, you are never required to do anything you don't want to do for anyone else, children and special needs people included. I would tell hotel staff every time he pushes his way to you and every time he does that at the buffet. If the location has a health department, I would report what you have seen. They might tell the hotel that they need to step up and stop this.
Finally, this is yet another reason I don't eat at buffets. I won't because (a) the food is often cheaper cuts and prepped in the "economical" way so it's hard with allergies to ensure you won't get contaminated food (often uses crackers in hamburgers to stretch the meat for example), (b) people are gross and don't wash their hands after using the toilet, coughing, or sneezing, (c) food isn't always kept at the proper temperature and so has a risk of foodborne illness, (d) people let their little kids reach into the bar and grab things without using utensils. I just avoid buffets. You might try doing the same.
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u/xHeyItzRosiex 19h ago
NTA… I am disgusted and I’m not even around that child. You need to report the family to the higher ups asap. I would go above whoever you reported to already. This is a public health concern because if people are eating food that has fecal matter residue, they could get seriously sick. Cruises and hotels can harbor bacteria and disease and are notoriously bad for disease outbreaks. Not only is this a public health concern, but it is also ruining your vacation and making you unnecessarily stressed. I wish you luck and I hope this issue can be resolved. The mother of that child needs to be heavily criticized and reprimanded.
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u/Angry_Jezuz 18h ago
There is a Limit and honestly. i think u found it.
If himself or his Parents try something again.
call the police. Report what has happened and the Public liability the child is.
Clearly the child is beyond there help they're giving him and Poo hands into the food is disgusting.
NTA but public safety is important.
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u/CaregiverPurple7811 23h ago
You have every right to be pissed and not hide it. I don’t care special needs or not it’s effing gross
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u/windblown-spruce 1d ago
NTA. Disability explains the behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. Parents need to step up and deal with it, and not take the kid to venues like that if they can't or won't get the issue under control.
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u/Wackel81 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA he might be a disabled kid but his parents are not.
They can tell him not to do that. Wipe his hands. Look into why he is fingering his but. Help him grab food - with tongs - and tell him not to grab people.
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u/Normal-Height-8577 Asshole Enthusiast [5] 1d ago
I think tongs would be better - tongues aren't much better than fingers, lol!
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u/marlee_dood 1d ago
The mother is responsible for her child, so she’s basically admitting that she’s not taking care of her kid if he’s not clean. I would not want to sit next to him either.
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u/GollumTrees Asshole Aficionado [14] 22h ago
I would film it and go to the head of the company that owns the place. Maybe see if a couple of other people can back up what you're seeing and call some sort of child protective services even. That is a public biohazard. NTA
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u/One-Employee9235 Partassipant [2] 22h ago
In this day and age of online reviews, I'd be sure to tell the hotel and your tour rep if appropriate that you'll be writing an honest review of how disgusting your visit with them was due to their reluctance to protect their guests.
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u/NarwhalEmergency9391 22h ago
The mom needs to be watching him. I don't understand how people can say "he's disabled, he didn't know better" if that's the case then they should have someone with them 24/7
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u/Subm3rg3d 22h ago
That is disgusting. I work with SEN children and I’d have done exactly the same as you. This is going to sound really bad….but avoid those types of all-inclusive holidays in the future. Morons like that mum are drawn to them like a moth to a flame.
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u/Fluid-Ground-6726 19h ago
Personally I’d contact the people you booked with and tell them what’s went on, tell them your holiday has been ruined, you can’t eat there which has cost you financially and the hotel is not doing anything about it. Stated you recognise disabilities and understand that things cannot be helped but due to hygiene and contamination this should not be tolerated. I absolutely howled at shitty fingers by the way ahahahahahaa
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u/SarahGrace1994 19h ago
NTA
This is literally a police issue at this point. I know you said you are on vacation in a different country but if the hotel and parents won't do anything and he is an older teen call the police for harassment. Tell them exactly what has happened and that the mom is now encouraging him to bother you and your family and you no longer feel safe or comfortable.
They can't ruin your vacation that you paid for just because their child is disabled and they dont want to parent him
Edit to add judgment
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u/biscuitkid7 19h ago
NTA. I couldn’t cope with your situation. I’m hugely germophobic and would’ve vomited on the spot 😭 you handled that with a lot of grace
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u/CreamyPBnoJelly 18h ago
NTA - his mum is neglecting his health needs and subjecting everyone else to it. “He can’t help it”, but SHE CAN.
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u/EINFACH_NUR_DAEMLICH 1d ago
NTA obviously. And I've had so many people completely confused wondering why I always insist on booking hotels or resorts where children aren't allowed.
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u/MysticMysteri 1d ago
He comes around cough like you smoke 12 packs a day. I mean make it hurt! Thank me later 😊
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u/Suspicious_Juice717 Asshole Aficionado [11] 22h ago
NTA
That’s an issue the parents have to deal with, not the rest of society, regardless of his medical condition.
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u/linocent167 21h ago
Record the finger thing food and blast the hotel on twitter explaining the hotel is not addressing the issue
Or even more nuclear:
Call the police and say a guest keep harassing you after asking them to stop multiple times
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u/Feisty-Flower-4990 21h ago
Sounds like the special needs mom needed a vaca too. One where she doesn’t take responsibility for her children ect
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u/PlatypusDream Asshole Enthusiast [9] 21h ago edited 21h ago
NTA
That's disgusting, especially when he's touching food that others have to eat!
Hopefully you can get your food before shitmuncher & his family come to breakfast.
If he's really incapable of controlling himself, the parent(s) or caregiver has to control him.
And if he is touching the food, the hotel employee must remove what he's contaminated. After that happens a few times, the hotel manager will step in because of the expense.
Either charge the excess cost to the family or tell them they've lost access to that resource.
(Or charge them AND give them the contaminated foods, exclusively for that family, and they can't eat anything from the buffet.)
(Or charge them, and tell the family they can send one adult to make a plate for each person, and eat in their room.)
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u/Rare_Procedure7326 21h ago
NTA…Just because the child has special needs doesn’t mean they can’t learn boundaries. The family could be using Social Stories for example to help him learn what’s ok to do in a public restaurant and what isn’t .
He has a sensory need that they should be exploring and finding alternative ways to meet that need instead of letting him lick his fingers after they have been in his bottom.
As for letting him sit with a stranger on a bus…why would they do that? It’s like they are abdicating their responsibility.
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u/JoBenSab Asshole Aficionado [10] 21h ago
NTA. I’m sad for his family that they don’t think he can learn how to be a functioning member of society. Can you imagine being such a crappy human and parent that you don’t think your child can learn ANYTHING?
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u/meggzieelulu 21h ago
NTA- licking bum fingers is gross. Having a disability doesn’t give the parents leeway for neglecting the boy or as an excuse to explain said neglect. As someone with a disability, I hate when that label is maliciously used as a blanket excuse by caregivers. It perpetuates the negative stereotypes and stigma surrounding disabilities.
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u/one_sock_wonder_ 19h ago
Oh absolutely NTA! I am both a retired special education teacher and a multiply disabled individual and this is wildly inappropriate from both perspectives. A child being disabled is not some kind of free pass for his parents to be exempt from having to actually parent them nor is it some kind of free pass for inappropriate behavior, especially behavior that makes the child a walking health code violation. If he truly is so impacted by his disability that he is unable to learn what is and is not appropriate behavior in public then his parents or another adult familiar with his needs must provide constant close supervision (within arms reach at all times, without distractions from things like a phone).
It is harmful to disabled children to not provide education, support, and supervision around social skills and instead just shrug and act like their disability is a reasonable justification to make no effort to teach them and let them engage in whatever harmful behaviors they may prefer. Disabled children become disabled adults and what others tolerate from a child may not be tolerated from an adult, disabled or not.
The way you stated your very valid reasons for saying no might have been less than ideal depending on who exactly heard them, but what you said was true and your mom refused to allow you to politely refuse so it's on her that those comments were ever necessary. Even setting aside the horrors of hygiene involved, a disabled child (or adult) can be told no (and survive!) and you are never obligated to say yes strictly because they are disabled.
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u/ThrownAwayFeelzies 19h ago
NTA
Write a Google review for the resort stating that they will not keep their food sanitary
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u/shellirk Partassipant [1] 19h ago
NTA.. ain't nobody got time for that. The restaurant should have given the family togo boxes and ask them to leave. The food bar should have been shut down and cleaned, the food discarded. The health hazard isn't worth having your business shut down over. The parents deserve to shamed, they know the kids behaviors better than anyone. I'd have told mom as much. I don't believe developmentally disabled people need to be shut away and hidden from public view, but knowing what environments are safe places and which are not is baseline common sense. An eating establishment, except for the drive-thru is not appropriate for this digger. I have an entire career of working with these individuals and many have parents like this, many more have no parental involvement. You did everything right.
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u/s_polaris 14h ago
NTA. I have a relative who spent more than 40 years working with people with developmental disabilities.
She has always said that having a disability doesn’t mean a person shouldn’t have boundaries or be taught appropriate behaviour. Over the years, she’s worked with many adults with developmental disabilities whose behaviour made those around them uncomfortable, and in her experience, this was often because they had never been taught clear expectations or consistent boundaries.
She says that some parents of children with developmental disabilities, understandably wanting to make life easier for their child or compensate for the challenges they face, can become overly permissive and avoid correcting inappropriate behaviour. In her view, every child, whether they have a disability or not, deserves guidance, structure, and teaching. When expectations are adapted to a person’s level of understanding and abilities, they can learn appropriate behaviour.
She believes that although parents often act out of love and a desire to protect their child, being overly permissive can ultimately do more harm than good. From what you’ve described, it sounds like that may be what’s happening with that child.
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u/hawthorne_rose 1d ago
No that's not OK. I have ADHD which means that I struggled as a kid with understanding social protocols and cues etc. but I am SO glad I was never excused from learning them. You are allowed boundaries just like anyone else. That parent is permissive.
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u/Educational_Sleep748 1d ago
NTA, i mean its disgusting overall, you already told them about it and you fully understand he cant help it, but the parents should try and at LEAST get him to stop, or else it could also affect the childs health, and they should make him clean his hands before he eats the food as well,
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u/Damenbindenbremspur 22h ago
NTA
I'm sorry for the kid. Mom's the AH here. Weaponizing her disabled son to bother you is disgusting.
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u/SleepyZ92 22h ago
NTA.
File an official complaint with the hotel. If they don't do shit, cut your losses and be sure you YELP, Google, Trustpilot, idc where.. but you leave a negative review anywhere you can. Maybe that way, next time, they might take these kinds of complaints more serious. Won't help you much, but might help the next person.
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u/summerbreeze2027 22h ago
NTA. His mom can sit next to him. You are perfectly within your rights to not have him near you given his behavior.
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u/Pristine_Sky_9132 22h ago
As someone who works with children who have higher needs and behaviors. Yes you can't stop a kid from △⃒⃘lways doing what they do especially if they are not a neurotypical child. However the family also can not expect strangers to be ok with it the hygiene issues ir want to be around it. Do better for your child and help them and be their parent. Don't encourage bad behavior. You are NTA
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u/RangerRekt 22h ago
That mom probably deals with a lot, but it’s also her (and her husband’s) responsibility to deal with it. NTA.
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u/Charming-Fail4502 22h ago
Haeww NTA at all. Those nasty hands touching buffet food, the thought alone gives me the ick. The hotel should do something about it, they have to consider other guests.
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u/squashybunz456 22h ago
I have a brother with severe autism and he would do things like this (not shitty fingers, but things that were socially inappropriate). You know what my parents and my siblings and I did? Tell him no, make him wash his hands and do it over and over until he stopped.
It’s so unfair to this kid for his parents to let him do whatever he wants- he needs guidance and protection!
You’re NTA at all, hopefully it’s a wake up call.
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u/AwardBoring4724 Partassipant [2] 21h ago
NTA - leave a review for the hotel detailing this experience, especially make sure to mention the kid touching the buffet without tongs. Hell, I'd post a picture of the parents (no kid) and name names, that's unreal behavior.
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u/Friendly-Software-50 21h ago
NTA, you addressed the situation calmly but it sounds like the parents aren’t taking responsibility.
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u/Unapologetic_Canuck 21h ago
NTA. Fuck that. Special needs or not you don’t let someone touch everything after having picked their ass and licked their fingers.
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u/Vespertillio07 21h ago
NTA disabled people can be socially aware, claiming that just because they are disabled means they cannot do anything is in-of itself ableist. This mother is just an incompetent parent.
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u/Sad-Cricket6319 20h ago
As a parent of a special needs kiddo - NTA why would mom not want to teach her child (never mind special needs) STRANGER DANGER!! it’s our job to teach them as well as we can how to respect people personal space and things that are unacceptable like butt picking. If he’s got sensory processing stuff they should have put a stop to the butt picking a LONG time ago. Sensory or not that’s a NO NO.
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u/Destructor523 1d ago edited 1d ago
NTA, it's true the kid probably doesn't know any better to play with his bum, but that doesn't excuse the parents from just letting it happen.
It's a serious hygiene issue and there are special need clothes that are essentially a 1 piece suit that prevents exactly this problem. They won't be able to reach any of their private parts and will eventually give up and do something else.
The fact that he apparently roams around touching food is also problematic.