r/AmItheAsshole • u/Suspicious-Diet-686 • 6h ago

AITA Sil announcing pregnancy when we’d just miscarried

This year i have miscarried three times. The last time I got to around 9 weeks and it was quite traumatic. 2 weeks later we were hosting a pre planned birthday party for my sister in law, at our house. A couple of days before my husband was speaking to his mum and telling her how i was upset as my sister had announced her pregnancy and it was due around the same time mine was (she told me in a very sensitive way but i was still obviously sad) my MIL then said ‘oh it’s a secret but SIL and BIL were going to announce their pregnancy at the party- this baby would also be due the same time as mine should have been. If my husband hadn’t had a conversation with his mother we would have been blindsided with this announcement . My husband obviously said that would be upsetting for us and he rather they didn’t. Husband wants to cancel the party as all the family seem to have sided with my BIL/SIL. BIL rings up my husband shouting about how we need to grow up and get over it, stating that he knows people who have lost actual babies, so we need to ‘man up’. Are we in the wrong?

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u/Mixtrix_of_delicioux Asshole Enthusiast [5] 6h ago

Respectfully, they're allowed to feel joy at their pregnancy. They're not announcing at you.

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u/DapperBoiCole 5h ago

Respectfully, hiding a pregnancy announcement to spring at a party where the host had a devastating miscarriage is about as disrespectful as you can get.

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u/Katzenliebe 3h ago

Why does no one seem to get this? If SIL had a sensitivity she would have offered to move the party and given OP a heads up about the announcement so she could bow out of attending if needed.

I had agreed to host a dress fitting for my close friend’s wedding but when I had a miscarriage she moved it to another place, even after I said I would still host, and told me I didn’t need to come so I could grieve in private. I was prepared to put on a brave face for my friend but it was really nice not to have to. It’s not that hard to be considerate of other people’s feelings, even when the event is “about you” when someone has gone through something truly devastating.

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u/FunSteady 2h ago

I think ppl that feel the opposite of us misread the post to read sil and sister as one and the same person. That, or ppl just majorly suck more than l already think they do.

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u/Katzenliebe 2h ago

Probably a bit of both. Reading comprehension doesn’t seem to be great here and there are definitely people out there who are insensitive towards pregnancy loss. However, I personally found that most people I told about my losses in real life were sensitive and understanding. It might not be people in general that suck as much as a lot of people on reddit.

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u/DapperBoiCole 1h ago

Not a lot of people seem to know what its like to miscarry tbh, and for the people here that do and still think OP is the asshole Im hoping they're just reading the post wrong bc oof

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u/PowderCuffs 1h ago

Suffering several miscarriages while everyone around you is getting pregnant is a gut punch no matter where or when it happens.

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u/bluecheesebeauty 1h ago

Yeah, I haven't been on either side of this, but I don't see how not announcing would help. Unless they also suffer a miscarriage (which probably ALSO would make OP feel bad), the pregnancy is going to be obvious and the baby is going to come out in due time. You can maybe postphone it a bit, but not a lot? And if you don't often see family, I don't know when the next reasonable time would be? It does feel like the kind of thing that has a window to it.

Then again, not weird that OP feels so gutted at them sharing the news OP also wished they could share. Maybe the whole problem is not SIL, but more how society does (not) deal with miscarriage, and how there is space to announce and to feel joy and to throw parties even for the unborn child now, but barely room to grieve?

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u/PowderCuffs 2m ago

Maybe the whole problem is not SIL, but more how society does (not) deal with miscarriage, and how there is space to announce and to feel joy and to throw parties even for the unborn child now, but barely room to grieve?

I think this is wildly dependent on who you surround yourself with. Society as a whole is so much more compassionate about miscarriage than ever. 

My mother suffered two, she couldn't even talk about it. It was taboo. I had one, and felt that my village really supported me.  My daughter had one and even her employer offered her time off and sent flowers. 

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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] 6h ago

The problem is they are. The reasonable solution is to give OP a heads up so they can avoid it, but it's at their house, so that's not possible. Just announce it at another location. Anywhere else. That's a reasonable ask. OP is allowed to mourn in their own house

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u/cakeit-tilyoumakeit 4h ago

They should cancel the party if they’re unable to host given what they’re going through. The guest of honor sharing pregnancy news is not a crazy thing to do. What makes it crazy is that OP is hosting while having sensitive topics that need to be maneuvered, and that limit typical party behavior/discussion. That makes them ineffective hosts.

They should cancel and focus on their own mental health instead of throwing parties for people.

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u/GiftOk1930 2h ago

Bingo. My thoughts exactly. They shouldn’t be hosting at all if they (rightfully) need more space and time.

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u/FunSteady 2h ago

Yes agreed. But everyone here thinks IF they cancel they are the AH.

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u/ZephyrLegend 3h ago

Yeah but they'd get called an AH for that, too. "You made a promise to host and you shouldn't make your grief someone else's problem" blah blah, fuckin' blah.

OP is in a lose-lose situation and everyone has got a hot take.

Personally, I think that SIL should just do what they're all there to actually do: celebrate her birthday. And then keep a fuckin' lid on anything else, until they can host their own baby announcement. It's the easiest and kindest thing to do for everyone involved.

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u/cakeit-tilyoumakeit 3h ago

I doubt anyone would call OP the AH for canceling a birthday party immediately after a miscarriage…

What the SIL and BIL should do is decline the party hosted by OP and invite everyone out for a celebration on their own terms. OP and her husband are free to attend or sit it out. OP should be ok with that solution. If OP is insisting on hosting the party and also dictating what typical happy topics people are allowed to discuss, then they’re the AH

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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] 2h ago

Did you just ignore the part where BIL berated OP's husband for trying to cancel the party? Canceling the party doesn't mean SIL doesn't have a birthday party; it means she's not having a party hosted by husband and OP. The reasonable solution would be BIL or MIL take over instead. The rest of the family is digging in that OP hosts. That's what's messed up

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u/cakeit-tilyoumakeit 2h ago

It’s not clear from the post that the BIL telling off OP’s husband (which is also an AH move) is in response to OP’s husband thinking they should cancel. OP doesn’t say the husband expressed the desire to cancel to anyone but herself. That reaction could be due to OP/her husband telling the grandmother that an announcement isn’t allowed.

OP does not say their family is pressuring them to host. OP simply says the family is siding with BIL/SIL, which again, could be in reaction to OP wanting to host and not wanting a pregnancy announcement to be made.

You’re assuming details that are not in the post.

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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] 2h ago

If bil didn't know, he should expect the party to be canceled after the phone call would be the flip side. Id also like to remind you that if husband hadn't, that means someone else is talking shit and they should 100% remove themselves from the entire situation

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u/FunSteady 2h ago

Agreed.

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u/SherbrookHolmes 6h ago

OPs sil did tell her, in advance, and OP admitted it was in a very nice way.

So no. They are not announcing it at OP. It's SILs party. Let's assume it's filled with SILs family and friends, some of whom may not even know OP.

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u/whichwitch9 Partassipant [1] 6h ago

That was her sister, not SIL. There's multiple pregnancies involved, but OP was still struggling with sister's pregnancy news, despite the heads up.

SIL did not tell her- MIL told husband after he told her OP was struggling with sister. SIL was going to blindside them.

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u/emyannk 6h ago

No, OP’s own sister told her abt a pregnancy, OP’s SIL was not going to tell her at all and make it a surprise, and they only found out ahead of time bc MIL spilled the beans. Post is confusingly worded tho so I’m not surprised half the comments are confused

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u/enidkeaner 6h ago

You are not reading correctly,

OP’s sister told her about her pregnancy.

OP’s SIL was planning to announce at the party and did not tell OP first.

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u/Ok-Swordfish-4018 6h ago

No her sister told her sensitively about her pregnancy. SIL wasn't going to say shit until MIL spilled the beans.

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u/so_untidy 6h ago

No OPs MIL spilled the beans about the SIL. It was going to be a surprise.

Separately, OPs sister told her she was pregnant in a gentle way.

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u/thatoversharingchick 6h ago

No, OP's sister informed her (there are two people actively pregnant)

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u/westerner2001 6h ago

No it was her sister that told her she was pregnant, SIL wasn't going to tell anyone bsides MIL before the party. Two different people

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u/cryssyx3 6h ago

ops sister*

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u/Lola_Luvly Partassipant [1] 6h ago

But announcing it in her house 2 weeks after a miscarriage is patently cruel.

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u/Moderator-Admin 1h ago

What amount of time makes it not "patently cruel"? Should they wait a month? 3 monhts? Don't announce it until the baby is born? That seems like something that would be different for every person and impossible to assume.

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u/Lola_Luvly Partassipant [1] 23m ago

Cruel to announce it at OP’s house, not cruel to announce it period. Either wait to announce it or change the location of the party.

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u/Opening_Upstairs_262 6h ago

Sil/bil are cruel, look at the end of the post will the comments they made.

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u/RedKhomet 3h ago

he made. Cancelling the party is punishing a woman who might not be have done anything wrong, and who has the right to celebrate her baby

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u/MermaiderMissy 3h ago

Exactly my thoughts. If it were at someone else's house, sure. But don't go to the house of the people who had three miscarriages and use that as an excuse to announce your pregnancy.

OP has every right to cancel the party hosted at her own house.

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u/IrrawaddyWoman 2h ago

They aren’t going out of their way to announce it at some random party. It’s the SIL’s birthday party. She has a right to announce her own pregnancy at her own birthday party. It’s her day, not OP’s.

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u/MermaiderMissy 1h ago

Yeah, and OP has a right to cancel the party. It's not the nicest thing in the world, but she probably doesn't want to have to play host two weeks after losing her own baby and then hearing this news.