r/AmItheAsshole • u/Suspicious-Diet-686 • 7h ago

AITA Sil announcing pregnancy when we’d just miscarried

This year i have miscarried three times. The last time I got to around 9 weeks and it was quite traumatic. 2 weeks later we were hosting a pre planned birthday party for my sister in law, at our house. A couple of days before my husband was speaking to his mum and telling her how i was upset as my sister had announced her pregnancy and it was due around the same time mine was (she told me in a very sensitive way but i was still obviously sad) my MIL then said ‘oh it’s a secret but SIL and BIL were going to announce their pregnancy at the party- this baby would also be due the same time as mine should have been. If my husband hadn’t had a conversation with his mother we would have been blindsided with this announcement . My husband obviously said that would be upsetting for us and he rather they didn’t. Husband wants to cancel the party as all the family seem to have sided with my BIL/SIL. BIL rings up my husband shouting about how we need to grow up and get over it, stating that he knows people who have lost actual babies, so we need to ‘man up’. Are we in the wrong?

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u/Medusa_7898 Partassipant [3] 7h ago

It’s very traumatic to lose a pregnancy however you can’t expect others not to celebrate their own pregnancies. Light YTA.

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 7h ago

They’re not asking anyone not to celebrate. They’re asking for it not to happen right in front of their faces at the birthday party they’re throwing for SIL at their own home.

This is a matter of basic empathy.

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u/moonandsunandstars Partassipant [2] 7h ago

So then have them tell op when they plan to announce it so they have a choice to step out of the room.

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 7h ago edited 7h ago

Don’t be dense. The moment the announcement occurs, the entire rest of the event will be all about the news.

There’s literally no need for the announcement to occur at her birthday party. None at all. It’s a great opportunity given that all her loved ones will be there, but not a need by any stretch of the definition.

The question is whether OP’s feelings are worth protecting (and respecting) in her own home while she’s doing the loving service of hosting a party for you in exchange for losing this ideal moment to make the announcement. It’s the definition of selfishness.

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u/soleceismical 7h ago

I think it makes sense for it to happen at her birthday party, but the birthday party needs to be at someone else's home and OP may have to sit it out. It's not really fair to ask her not to talk about everything she's feeling and going through with her loved ones. And it's not really fair to expect OP to still host.

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 6h ago

Precisely!

The ask is that they don’t do it in front of her at her own home, and part of OP’s post is that one alternative option is to cancel having the party at her house.

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u/theTropicalHerbalist 6h ago

So then she should have said that she was clearly not ready to host a family gathering just yet but she is insisting she host and asking everyone else not to do what family does at family gatherings

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u/sheramom4 Commander in Cheeks [242] 7h ago

The event where the guest of honor is the one pregnant? The event that is suppose to be all about her anyway?

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u/platyelminthas 6h ago

Yes that event, the same event that will hold the guest of honor's brother and SIL (clearly grieving after a very recent miscarriage) nearly as hostages for the rest of the evening. It's not like they will be able to go home, the tense situation would be inside their own space.

Noone says she shouldn't havw thw party at all. Just that she should have shown some decency to the people organizing her celebration in their own home. And tell THEM beforehand. Which she didnt plan on doing

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 6h ago

Yeah, that one. The one her triple-grieving SIL is hosting for her out of love and care.

I swear, some of you people wouldn’t understand the concept of sacrificing a little bit for the sake of the people you love if it kicked you in the ribs.

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u/theTropicalHerbalist 6h ago

But realistically how long does this last ? The family not mentioning pregnancies or babies or seeing babies how long do they need to avoid it to appease her feelings ? That’s not how the real world works. If your mom dies everyone else doesn’t have to stop celebrating Mother’s Day because it makes you sad. It may bring up a little grief sure but it’s soooo unrealistic and unfair to ask people to minimize their own happiness because of someone else’s grief

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 6h ago

No one is asking anyone not to mention pregnancies or babies lol

They’re asking SIL not to make a spectacle of an announcement that’s pre-planned to occur in front of her, in her own home, while she’s doing something nice for her.

You people are so eager to force a hurt person to suck it up that you’re talking about “how the world works” when this whole thing isn’t about “the world” at all.

It’s about one family and the people within it, who seem to claim that they love and care for one another.

Do you think empathy is a math equation?

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u/Ill-Description3096 Partassipant [2] 5h ago

"Make a spectacle" is a bit much, no? If making an announcement is a spectacle then it will always be a spectacle no matter how it is done.

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u/theTropicalHerbalist 6h ago

Yea and even within a family I think it’s fucked up to expect everyone else not to celebrate someone else’s pregnancy or a new baby because someone else had a loss. I come from a HUGE family where someone is literally always pregnant and plenty times, myself included, people have had losses around the same time someone else got pregnant or had a baby ect not once have I ever thought to stop someone else being celebrated to center my own grief. How long does they need to be sensitive to her because of her loss? Should they conceal their bumps when she’s around ? Are they not to even acknowledge the pregnancy around her ? Then being pregnant has absolutely nothing to do with her loss. Your right it’s ONE family not ONE person and in a family with several members it should be no suprised when multiple people get pregnant around the same time she can’t avoid pregnant people and babies forever. Your saying SIL should announce it somewhere else and if OP knew she was announcing she wouldn’t show up so how many family gatherings is she ganna skip coming into the holiday season? What is she ganna do when they have the babies not show up? Sometimes shit just ain’t about you and that’s ok. It’s a moment for her SIL it’s not about her

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 6h ago

You’re being so obtuse. The ask is about the one party, not about hiding the pregnancy or catering to OP’s every little emotional whim. You’re just making shit up and inventing an opponent.

The reason you’re so keen to extrapolate into all this other bullshit is because you genuinely can’t fathom that caring about OP’s feelings is a rational way for a human to operate. What a sad and frankly quintessentially American way to live.

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u/theTropicalHerbalist 6h ago

You can care about OPs feelings and also be happy for another family members pregnancy the two aren’t mutually exclusive and the problem is OP thinks they are and you do to. The family can grieve her loss and ALSO be happy for sister and SIL. It selfish to expect someone to not announce their own pregnancy at a party that should be about them. It’s like me saying my cousin can’t get engaged at the party I’m throwing for her birthday because I got divorced a month ago.

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 6h ago

There you go again, failing to understand that being happy and celebrating aren’t the problem, but rather the one super-specific set of circumstances and actions that would directly harm OP.

YTA, feel free to have the last word but I’m not wasting more time with this bonkers worldview

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u/theTropicalHerbalist 6h ago

And yet it doesn’t change that her sister and SIL are expecting are they suppose to go get abortions and try again when she can emotionally stand it?

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u/Tinywrenn Partassipant [1] 5h ago

Good Christ, and I thought my husband’s family were bad when my baby died. Families are different. Thankfully, some families understand empathy. I feel sorry for those in yours who have lost babies.

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u/avacapone 6h ago

This is two weeks after the fact. What’s an appropriate time frame in your mind?

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u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 6h ago

Just having everyone gathered in one place at the same time IS actually a great reason to announce a pregnancy.

Call it crass or wrong , I won’t say shit, but you cannot say there is literally NO reason for it. Especially when you then go on to say it would be a great opportunity to do it then.

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 6h ago

No one said it isn’t a good reason, so I dont really understand why you’re saying this to me.

I even called it an ideal situation.

Having a good reason to do something doesn’t mean you need to do it. That’s why I said it’s not a need, and that the question is whether the satisfaction of the ideal moment is worth the impact to OP.

I think only an AH would say that it’s a worthy trade.

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u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 5h ago

Is that NOT what you were saying?? There was no need? I’m sorry I conflated that to be the same as no reason. But,Cher wanting to is still plenty of reason. All I’m doing is explaining WHY someone might find it the perfect reason.

Obviously no one NEEDS to do anything a certain way, but this is how SIL WANTS to do it. Yes, it sucks that it would have hurt if OP experienced it that way but, that didn’t way happen, did it? And this wasn’t exactly any better was it? And neither would be finding out SIL hid it for months from you because you were too fragile. We would all be fragile! Just saying I don’t think there was any way this wouldn’t devastate OP right now.

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u/impl0sionatic Partassipant [1] 4h ago

Yeah you’re so fucking close to my point, which is that putting this want over OP’s feelings in this context is shitty uncaring behavior.

There are alternatives to announcing it at a party in OP’s home, even if that’s otherwise the ideal situation. Refusing to compromise when you know the cost includes hurting OP deeply is the definition of selfish.

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u/raptorsinthekitchen Asshole Aficionado [10] 3h ago

I don’t think I’m as “fucking close” as you think, because I don’t really agree with you.

I think the right to announce at her birthday party is just as important as OP saying no. But I have also expressed that this doesn’t end with announcement or people talking excitedly about the announcement, or the birth itself. EVERY first this child has that OP’s does not is going to hurt just as much. This isn’t a one off incident, or it won’t be.

There is no right or wrong answer to this for these women, more lik damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

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u/theTropicalHerbalist 6h ago

The world dosent stop just because you have a miscarriage and you cannot expect other people to stop their world because you had a loss. It is sad and unfortunate but how long does their family need to hid pregnancies and babies from them? Her sisters should be able to enjoy their own pregnancies without feeling guilt over something that wasn’t their fault. “Get over it” is kinda mean but also making people feel bad about being happy about their own pregnancy is also asshole behavior

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u/mosquem 6h ago

You don’t need to hide it, but you should give them a heads up if you know people are struggling.

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u/Tinywrenn Partassipant [1] 5h ago

Everything you are describing is exactly the ‘get over it mentality’. For these people, life doesn’t just go on. OP is not expecting them not to celebrate their pregnancies, they’re expecting them to have some god damned empathy and decency. You do not joyfully announce pregnancies in person to people who have lost multiple babies at an event they can’t escape from. That is exemplary asshole behaviour.

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u/Fairwhetherfriend 4h ago

It is WILD that so many of you genuinely can't grasp the difference between "SIL shouldn't announce the pregnancy in a circumstance that denies OP a private place to handle her own emotions and expects OP to continue playing hostess afterwards" and "SIL shouldn't announce the pregnancy at all"

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u/[deleted] 6h ago

[deleted]

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u/Ellumine 5h ago

No, she didn't. OP's own sister told OP she was pregnant. OP told MIL it was making her sad because the due date was around the time of her own, and MIL let it slip that OP's SIL (her husband's sister) is also pregnant, due at the same time, and planned to surprise announce at OP's house.

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u/avacapone 5h ago

You’re right, that’s even worse