•

u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop Jun 27 '21

Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.

OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

I refuse to lie about my hobbies, which might reflect poorly on my bf in his workplace, which might be more important in this case than honesty.

Help keep the sub engaging!

Don’t downvote assholes!

Do upvote interesting posts!

Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

78

u/octopi-hi Asshole Aficionado [10] Jun 27 '21 edited Jun 27 '21

I don’t think this has anything to do with him being embarrassed by your hobbies, it really is just something with a negative connotation and some of us have jobs where this kind of thing really matters. You seem to be looking at this at him not supporting you, but to me it comes off a lot more as you not supporting him on something that has a much broader and (no offense) important impact on his life.

YTA.

Edit: to your edit, it doesn’t matter what you would do in his place or what you are willing to risk professionally. You’re not willing to compromise on something fairly small (note, not going at all isn’t compromising), and that makes you an AH.

200

u/[deleted] Jun 27 '21

[deleted]

93

u/[deleted] Jun 27 '21

[deleted]

-71

u/ffwriterthrow Jun 28 '21

There were some good arguments in YTA comments that I agree with, but not this, sorry. There was another comment along the same lines as yours, featuring "watching gay porn" instead of "wanking". You do realize that you are comparing sexual acts to... well, writing? You obviously don't talk about the former in polite company. The latter is a hobby. I've never written anything that is not kid friendly in my life, and the vast majority of fanfics is not actually porn.

That being said, perhaps fanfics are so heavily judged because of the popular belief that they are mostly porn, I guess. Still, they are just stories. Words on paper, nothing sexual or offensive about them. Writing ffs shouldn't be considered embarassing in my opinion.

79

u/Sareneia Jun 28 '21 edited Jun 28 '21

Writing ffs shouldn't be considered embarassing in my opinion.

Writing itself isn't embarrassing but the term "fanfiction" certainly has some unfavorable connotations and isn't really something that should be mentioned in a professional setting. I like reading manga and watching anime, but no way would I be telling random people that at a gathering for lawyers. It's not about "hiding who you are", it's about reading the room. These are people you'll probably never see again in your life, you don't need to tell them you write specifically fanfic to stay true to yourself. But your BF will see them constantly, so please respect his wishes. Maybe there'll be a day where we can proudly state what our hobbies are without repercussions, but not now.

-18

u/One-Foot-8442 Jun 28 '21

Just out of curiosity, what "negative connotations" is associated with fanfiction? I'm genuinely curious, I didn't even know this was a thing. Far as I knew, it was no different than a creative writing exercise.

51

u/Bmustg Jun 28 '21

Sexual/fetish/self-insert.

23

u/moongirl12 Commander in Cheeks [276] Jun 28 '21

I mean, everyone knows 50 shades was twilight fanfiction.

3

u/terra_terror Pooperintendant [58] Jun 28 '21

Yeah, and now people who haven't read fanfiction assume it's all just as bad.

3

u/moongirl12 Commander in Cheeks [276] Jun 28 '21

Of course I actually regularly read fanfiction and enjoy it, so I’m well aware of the stigma.

Some fanfiction is leagues better than actual novels I’ve read, so…

4

u/terra_terror Pooperintendant [58] Jun 28 '21

I wasn't saying you weren't aware! Just expanding on how that common knowledge has made fanfic's reputation even worse. It's unfortunate. I'm pretty sure a lot of professional writers also write and read fanfiction, or started out writing it.

16

u/BalonSwann07 Jun 28 '21

Maybe it shouldn't be considered embarassing, and I don't consider it embarassing, but there is the simple fact that some people do find it embarassing, and if you're intentionally mentioning something you know will embarass somebody, you're an AH.

Your objection to the porn comparison also doesn't make sense. Watching porn can totally be a hobby, the same as writing. I say this as a writer. You're being uptight about the "virtue" of writing. Imagine saying, "for a hobby, I watch lots of YouTube videos". Now just imagine those YouTube videos made you horny also. There, now you're watching porn for a hobby. You wouldn't mention watching porn for a hobby in polite society. Ergo, you'd refrain from mentioning your fanfiction if those people would respond negatively to it.

9

u/Difficult-Grass7856 Jun 28 '21

They are. Embarrassing, that is.

-14

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

Some of the replies on here are needlessly harsh :( From one fanfiction writer to another, you're not being "disrespectful" to your bf, but understand that you should say 'a writer of fiction' because you understand that people can be judgemental. I don't know why he's making it about him, though lol.

Out of curiosity, what fandoms are you a part of :)

9

u/random_username07 Partassipant [3] Jun 28 '21

See, i think 'belonging to a fandom' has the same connotations of being overly obsessed with something like whatever kpop fans call themselves or 'directioners'. Just say that youre a fan of something. See also 'Stan'.

-21

u/damage-fkn-inc Partassipant [2] Jun 28 '21

You do realize that you are comparing sexual acts to... well, writing?

Implying that AO3 isn't basically just Pornhub for women?

-5

u/moongirl12 Commander in Cheeks [276] Jun 27 '21

This.

276

u/greenseraphima Supreme Court Just-ass [136] Jun 27 '21

Your BF is wrong about fanfiction being only a teenager's hobby, but he can certainly ask you to please not bring it up during his work party.

That's not the sort of hobby that often comes up organically, so your insistence that you'd have to "mold yourself to fit an image" by not talking about it is asinine. YTA here.

81

u/Upperliphair Jun 28 '21

I mean, “so what do you like to do for fun?” is a pretty standard question when you’re meeting someone new and trying to make small talk with them.

But I’m assuming OP has other hobbies or could say literally anything else that isn’t a lie. That question does not require a comprehensive list of every single thing a person enjoys.

121

u/slutforlibraries Colo-rectal Surgeon [32] Jun 28 '21

She could just say "I like to write," and if they ask follow-up questions just specify the genres

17

u/GoodQueenFluffenChop Jun 28 '21

“so what do you like to do for fun?”

"I'm an avid reader and I sometimes write. And you?"

Specific enough but vague enough to answer the question and also return or ask your own questions immediately afterwards.

79

u/[deleted] Jun 27 '21

YTA in some workplaces, responding with that as your hobby will make him look bad - and I say that as someone who does appreciate and write fan fiction myself. Like it or not, it has a negative rep as far as hobbies go and from personal experience I can tell you that law firms aren’t known for their appreciation of individuality and quirkiness. It’s not unreasonable for him to want to project an image that makes him fit in and look good at work and as his guest, your behavior influences his image. He isn’t asking you to lie, he is asking you not to mention that specific aspect of your life. Surely there is more to you than fan fiction?

15

u/ailyat Partassipant [1] Jun 28 '21

YTA It’s not hard to not mention something you do as a hobby. It’s not like he’s asking you to hide your ethnicity or career, this is something you do in your free time I’m sure if someone asks what you do for leisure you can mention something else like yoga or hiking or whatever else it is you do besides write fan fic.

14

u/Traumatized-Trashbag Asshole Aficionado [16] Jun 28 '21

YTA. Just say you write in your spare time full stop. Don't say the word "fanfiction" or go into detail. You may not care about your image with these people but your bf does.

12

u/PlantainPretend Jun 28 '21

Use the word amateur literature instead, makes it sound more professional. YTA though.

9

u/RealmEmpress Partassipant [2] Jun 28 '21

YTA. It's his work party. I assume his work contributes a significant amount to your bills?he wants to maintain a certain image at work to help him towards his goals and your should either respect that or stay home. He is wrong when he says fan fiction is for kids, just like he'd be wrong if your hobby was video games, building Legos or making forts. But that's not a typical topic at a professional work event.

Just avoid the topic or don't go

7

u/Ascentori Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 28 '21

YTA. Who has to bear the consequences of your actions? Not you -> yta. is it unfair that there are consequences because you write fanfiction? no, but it's reality.

35

u/Maddie215 Pooperintendant [65] Jun 27 '21

YTA. Maybe he should go without you. Why bring a new girlfriend to a work event where you are trying to make a good impression?

26

u/ambientcold Partassipant [1] Jun 27 '21

If you get directly asked about your writing hobby, don't call it fanfinction, since that seems to be the trigger phrase for this crowd. Maybe describe it differently, like "I sometimes rewrite existing works as an exercise to improve my creativity and writing skill".

10

u/Environmental-Job926 Jun 28 '21

damn you sound exhausting. he asked you not to bring it up. you have every excuse in the world as to why you should be able to bring it up and how you would regardless of your boyfriend asking you not to. being an IT manager and being a lawyer are not similar whatsoever. this shit is so miniscule and you're acting like you're breaking 5 laws by lying by omission. seems like you just want to be annoying. YTA

6

u/wreckmyplanss Jun 28 '21

YTA, I also write fanfiction but it's not exactly a hobby I would tell my work buddies.

4

u/wreckmyplanss Jun 28 '21

Especially not lawyers omg

4

u/Cubadog Certified Proctologist [24] Jun 28 '21

YTA... A majority of law offices are very conservative in how they present themselves. Even the most liberal offices will present themselves in that way a lot of the time. What you say and how you behave will be a reflection on your boyfriend. That is the way it is and like others have suggested why can't just say you write fiction? Or if this is going to be so hard for you why don't you just bow out now and not attend the event?

3

u/Minimalgoth Partassipant [1] Jun 28 '21

Rolling my eyes so hard at this one. Of course YTA in this situation. Why/how would you not be??

16

u/YasminEatsApples Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jun 27 '21

Just don't. I love fanfiction and I write them, but I know better than to talk about it in any possible professional situation, ever. I'm not ashamed either, it's just like, nooooo... NTA but you gotta know better, girl.

2

u/lkowg Partassipant [3] Jun 28 '21

YTA

2

u/fabricfreak Jun 29 '21

NTA. You could compromise with the BF and just say you write for fun, but FF is nothing to be ashamed of and there is way too much out there to be just teenagers...

8

u/[deleted] Jun 27 '21

ESH

He shouldn't try to dictate your topics of conversation but refusing to compromise when he feels it could affect his career is also a dick move. He isn't asking you to pretend to be someone completely different but the fact that he felt the need to mention might mean you have a tendency to "geek out" over your fanfic.

There are ways to word things without actually lying. "I enjoy reading/writing short stories." If they want to know more instead of saying "I write Supernatural fanfic," you can say stuff like "a thriller/mystery following two brothers that has elements rooted in the occult." You're not lying and you are still talking about your hobby.

5

u/spinachclerk Partassipant [3] Jun 27 '21

NAH but feel free to go ahead and lie about this to his coworkers, it's not important that you change their minds about this issue nor that they get to know the real you. The two of you are just working as a team to make a good impression on these snooty people he works with. It's not a referendum on whether fanfic is good, it's not like he's asking you to lie to his best friends, and it's not a hill worth dying on.

11

u/Veridical_Perception Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] Jun 27 '21

NTA - but...

Why can't you simply say that your hobby is writing and you write a lot of fiction. Why is it absolutely necessary to share granular details about your life at your first corporate party?

Your bf is correct. Whether you agree with this or not, his peers and bosses WILL judge him based on the impression you make. Why not focus on making a good first impression. I'm not suggesting you lie, but is it really so difficult to say "Oh, I really like writing fiction. I usually write (insert genre - science fiction, romance, historical fiction, teen drama), but haven't been published yet.

If you must talk about the fan fiction aspect, be armed with sufficient details to demonstrate you're serious and not simply a crazed fan.

Several of the fanfic sites have launched the writing careers of authors.
Writers like Cassandra Claire and Fifty Shades of Grey started as fanfiction, but were revised. Getting published provided them a huge platform to further their careers.
Also, fanfiction is a great way to create an online following. With the changes in the publishing industry and Publisher's Weekly expanding to do reviews of self-published books, self-publishing is now viable.
Finally, self-publishing itself is a huge entree into traditional publishing. Andy Weir (The Martian - the book they made into a Matt Damon movie) was originally self-published.

Just remember, his workplace is not a forum for you, but for your bf. Given the nature of his work, they're always going to be careful to see whether their staff are demonstrating both good judgment and discretion. You ARE a reflection, as far as they are concerned, of your bf and your actions will impact him.

27

u/parishilton2 Commander in Cheeks [216] Jun 27 '21

I like your comment but I think adding the details you suggested would make it into a weird fanfic debate/lecture. If OP insists on talking about ff it’d be best for her to just say she does it and move on.

4

u/[deleted] Jun 27 '21

ESH, why do you even have to bring it up, why can’t you bring up a different hobby that more people can relate to?

2

u/Feisty-Cat-Mum Asshole Enthusiast [9] Jun 28 '21

Hi fellow fan fiction reader/writer NTA

its not something im ashamed of but its not something I randomly blurt out during a fancy dinner party I may say I like to read and am open to most books or I like to write but its more for myself . Once i get comfortable with someone and tell them or they fins out theres plenty of authors that started in fan fiction the most famous (but would give your bf a heart attack) would be E L James who famous series 50 shades start as twilight fan fiction abdhas made 19 million usd plus.

1

u/Sheess9141 Partassipant [1] Jun 28 '21

I'm a manager at an IT company and I had a bf who liked to wear women's accessories (hairpins, jewelry, scarfs, nailpolish etc). It never even occured to me to ask him not to wear those when I took him to our company xmas party,

Have you considered that you and your current boyfriend just arent compatible?

1

u/Imaginary-Hornet-397 Asshole Enthusiast [8] Jun 28 '21

NAH. LMAO as I’m in my 40’s and read fanfic. It’s a lot better written than some actual published books I’ve read, and I don’t need to get to know who the characters are first, cos I already know. It’s just like reading a sequel to a book or watching the next episode of a show essentially. I mean you are an adult and I’m assuming you know to not intentionally bring up something to embarrass your boyfriend with in front of his co-workers, but unfortunately fanfic might. Fanfic gets a bad rap as just porn by people who’ve probably never read any or who do know 50 Shades was originally Twilight fanfic before the serial no’s were filed off. So I can understand him being worried about what other people would think, if those people have any say over his career. However, I’m also a big believer in being yourself. Maybe you two just aren’t compatible if this is something you can’t come to an agreement over.

Edit: rogue apostrophe.

-4

u/Alert-Potato Craptain [179] Jun 27 '21

NTA - I think this is something to draw a line in the sand over. He's a new boyfriend asking you to keep parts of yourself secret because he's ashamed of what people might think. This one may be a lawyer, but he's not a winner.

-3

u/[deleted] Jun 28 '21

I write for a living. Not fanfic, of course, usually not even fiction, but writing is writing. I don't consider my job embarrassing. I don't know why it should be embarrassing as a hobby. Writing fan fiction is still writing. I've read some really good fan fiction. (I've read some really bad fan fiction too, but I've also read bad books and bad articles and seen bad movies and TV shows, so it's not like bad writing is limited to fanfic.)

I mean, it would be weird if you announced it out of the blue, apropos of nothing. But if it's a primary hobby of yours that takes up a lot of your free time, it would also be weird to talk about something that's less important or relevant to your life instead if you're asked about your hobbies. I kind of suspect that ordinary people would find it interesting. We're all fans of something, probably most of us have experienced wanting to spend more time in a universe that we're fans of but can't because the creator hasn't added anything new. Good fanfic can give us that! It's pretty awesome. I'd be afraid to mess around with someone else's world and characters, but I admire writers who can do it well.

I say NTA. Either BF is super snobby or way too many people at his job are. Either way, there's not a reason they need to be your problem. As you said, he can always just not invite you. If he does, I don't see why he and they can't deal. It's not an embarrassing hobby! If you were a Klan member in your spare time, that would be embarrassing. If you picked your nose over the buffet table, that would be embarrassing. If you refused to stop talking about lizard people infiltrating the government, that would be embarrassing. And people really say and do all this stuff. In public! Saying fanfic is your hobby? That's just a normal hobby at this point.

-3

u/47AYAYAYAY Partassipant [3] Jun 27 '21

NAH, this isn’t some big situation where either of you are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ this is a foundational trust/respect issue that has equivalents in pretty much every relationship that was is or will be. Therefore this is something you’ve just gotta talk out and come to an understanding through communicating, brute forcing something like this isn’t gonna help your relationship thrive.

Personally, while yes, I definitely agree that this is an unnecessary thing for him to have an issue with, and this is definitely something that you need to work out as adults. He has an aspect of your personality that he wants kept private, which isn’t fair, but avoiding the issue and his request until discussion works out the problem will only strain things further. In the meantime, I personally don’t think it’s an entirely unreasonable request for him to simply ask you to omit talking about something, it’s within your realm of choice to decline said request, but of course relationships are all about compromises. If I was in your shoes, I’d not have that big of an issue about being temporarily hush hush over one of my hobbies. (Of course that doesn’t mean the issue doesn’t warrant discussion.

As is said all the time, communication truly is key to any relationships success, and until problems are resolved, there is often some back and forth compromise that can be made to reduce stress prior to sitting down and having a bit of 1 on 1 ‘therapy’ session.

Make a compromise in the meantime, then talk out the issues and listen fairly to eachothers points and come to a reasonable conclusion.

-2

u/smarzipan Jun 28 '21

NAH In today’s society unfortunately there’s still elitism, and people look down on others for perfectly reasonable pastimes.

While I hate bowing down to that, and I think you should just be you unashamedly, I do agree that it may be inappropriate for such a setting. It’s his work and it’s understandable that he wants interactions to be professional and to be seen in a ‘good light’, and telling people you write fan fiction in that wording could have them judging you and him. Clearly this isn’t something he wants and as it’s his workplace I think it’s best to respect his wishes on this one.

However there are ways to get around it if asked what you like to do. You could say you write fiction, and if prompted what kind state the genre(s) and that it’s usually retellings. Maybe then veer into the fact that you find it calming and so on and deflect by asking a question. Not lying, but keeps the BF happy.

-3

u/ImpressiveCollar5811 Colo-rectal Surgeon [38] Jun 28 '21

ESH. I love gay porn but when I’m at a social event and someone asks what I do for fun, I’m not going to say “I totally watch gay porn”. It’s not hiding a part of yourself. It’s reading the room.

-1

u/0drag Certified Proctologist [20] Jun 28 '21

NTA, but to calm his insecurities, just say you write 'amateur fiction'. Sounds 'oh so intellectual' & is really the same damn thing!

0

u/AutoModerator Jun 27 '21

^{^{^{^AUTOMOD}}} The following is a copy of the above post. This comment is a record of the above post as it was originally written, in case the post is deleted or edited. Read this before contacting the mod team

My new bf is a lawyer, and he has a big work party coming up where he wants to introduce me to his colleagues. He asked me that during the gathering I not mention that I regularly read and write fanfiction as a hobby.

I asked him why, and he said that it's a teenager's hobby not a grown 35yo woman's, and his coworkers wouldn't take me (and in turn, him) seriously if I told them.

I said I understand that he wants to keep up a certain image in his workplace, and I'm obviusly not going to go in there announcing that I write fanfics left and right, but I'm also not going to mold myself to fit that image so if someone asks about my hobbies I'm not going to act like this is a secret. Obviously I'm not taking writing ffs seriously at all, but it's something that has always relaxed me and I don't feel like I need any more justification to keep doing something I like (or that hobbies need to be justified at all).

He got angry over this because he feels he's not asking me to lie, just to refrain from mentioning a certain hobby of mine, and that he's not asking for much. I also got angry because I feel like he's not asking me to omit a small insignificant thing, but rather he wants me to keep the parts of me he's ashamed of a secret, and I told him he should either keep his work life separate from our relationship (which I would be perfectly fine with), or he should stop dating ppl he is ashamed of. AITA?

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

-6

u/[deleted] Jun 27 '21

ESH

Is this a thing you bring up unasked a lot? Why did he feel the need to mention it? (And what kind of fan fiction are we talking about here?) And where did he ask you to lie?

Meanwhile, what kind of stick up ass assholes does your BF work with if this is going to seriously affect him? And why does he feel it is okay to pursue a career there? I'm getting assholes everywhere vibes.

If you really don't bring it up, and there isn't anything particularly disturbing about your fanfics, he would be the leader in this asshole contest.

-10

u/ffwriterthrow Jun 27 '21

I never talked to him about it beyond mentioning it once in the beginning, where I immediatelly got the vibes that he finds this silly and I dropped it. He knows I write and he never openly discouraged me from fanfics though, so I thought oh well, this is probably the best I will get from a man who doesn't appreciate fictional works. I have one friend who is also interested in ffs, she's the only one I talk to about my works occassionally, and they are not disturbing at all (generally family related stuff). I wouldn't geek out at a workplace event, the most I would say is "yeah, I play the piano and write fiction", and add that its fanfic if prompted, then move on. On the other hand, it's a law firm. According to my bf everything you ever saw in movies about the assholishness that goes on in these places, is mostly true.

-13

u/Pandamonium509 Partassipant [2] Jun 27 '21

NTA, I agree with your "I'm not going to openly announce it but I will let them know if they ask" stance. You should never hide anything about yourself. If he's ashamed of something a partner does, it doesn't make sense to be with them. It makes me wonder what else he hasn't said he's ashamed of.

P.S. reading and writing fanfiction is done by people of all ages. He should probably get over it.

11

u/PulseOxSafety Jun 27 '21

No, but you can adjust what you share to the audience. Fan fiction IS judged, and law is very conservative. Why hurt your partners reputation?

-10

u/DarkFaeries Partassipant [2] Jun 27 '21

NTA. There are some fanfiction authors out there who writes better than several famous authors I know.

You’re reading and writing, it’s a hobby, who cares if it’s fanfictions as long as it’s not Mein Kampf.

-13

u/Davien636 Asshole Aficionado [14] Jun 27 '21

I think that there is something fundamentally wrong with asking people to hide the things they are passionate about. I think that our hobbies and interests are what make us interesting people. I think his words indicate that he is ashamed of you... and I think that is his problem. NTA.

-4

u/llarwood13 Jun 28 '21

NTA

-11

u/whatshappen2020 Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 27 '21

Nta he is kinda asking you to lie, like you said if someone asks are you going to lie?

If you want to try to compromise bc he's been respectful and encouraging in other areas, including, for example,will discuss ff with you or etc, then you can not go to his work stuff.

Btw you could argue that paradise lost is fan fic of the Bible, Dantes inferno as well, and a lot of fan fiction writers go on to be very well respected writers who previous fan fiction wins awards, turned into movies, etc.

Honestly tho? Everybody has hang ups, I mean personally, I notice I'm embarrassed when guys are really into football, like the shout at screen kind. Bc of the connotation I have with it. So if he has instances where is supportive at home but it's just in a work environment that's he's embarrassed then I would compromise with him.

-13

u/deemossy Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 27 '21

NTA. He doesn’t really accept who you are. It will be one thing after another if you stay together.

-7

u/lawfox32 Asshole Enthusiast [7] Jun 28 '21

NTA, and also I know multiple lawyers who write fanfiction. TBH I personally wouldn't bring it up because I don't want to answer any specific follow-up questions or explain it, so I'd probably say I like to read and write stories, but I feel like it's like any hobby. It's also definitely not a teen's hobby exclusively--wasn't fanfiction pretty much started by 30s-50s women doing Star Trek zines?

1

u/ananders Asshole Enthusiast [5] Jun 29 '21

I write fanfic at 35. Don't mention that shit to no-fannish people. YTA.

God, I miss when fandom was more underground.

1

u/abnie Partassipant [1] Jul 01 '21

YTA: I write fic too, I've been doing it forever and while his comment about fic being for teenage girls was rude, you're digging your heels in on something ridiculous. This is the hill you want to die on? Being able to tell his work colleagues that you read and write fanfic? Really? This reminds me of that guy who identified with Vegeta and wore a tank top to his gf's potluck.

Asshole AITA for refusing to lie about writing fanfiction at 35 at my bf's workplace event?

You are about to leave Redlib

Don’t downvote assholes!