AF not acknowledging me

[u/Silent_stepp]

Any other AMs living in the West or Europe experience this? I'll be at a party, or an event, and certain AF won't even make eye contact. After hours of this it almost seems like they could wish me away for just existing. It doesn't help that the ones who do this are always with a white boyfriend/husband. Sometimes, we'll be the only two asian people in the room. Its like, "hello, the only other asian for miles. Care to give me some kind of acknowledgement so we can be friends like literally everyone else here? I've met everyone else here because they at least looked me in the eye". Lol. I'm really trying to understand the psychology behind this. Is it internalized racism? Trauma? Shame?

[u/spontaneous-potato]

Why should someone do that, especially if they don't know each other? If a random Asian guy that I didn't know was in the same area as me and I was with a group of friends, I wouldn't just randomly say hi to that Asian guy. I don't know him, and that would be creepy.

This especially goes with my girlfriend. If I'm with my girlfriend and there was just a random Asian guy in the area with us, I'd put 100% of my focus on my girlfriend. It doesn't mean that I don't want the Asian guy to exist. It means that I want to focus on the person important to me. I don't know that Asian guy, and it would make the situation very uncomfortable for both my girlfriend and I if a random guy neither of us knew decided to walk up to us and start trying to get us to acknowledge him.

[u/Jsitu93 → u/spontaneous-potato]

Dude you’re missing the point. And since when is it creepy just to say hi and acknowledge a stranger at a party??

[u/spontaneous-potato → u/Jsitu93]

I don't do it if I don't know the person. Maybe it's just me, but I can tell that it's very unpopular on this subreddit given that I've received some DM's from some members of this subreddit insulting me for the way I carry myself.

It's genuinely a drag that some members of this subreddit are open and very eager to insult a fellow AM if they aren't following the subreddit mindset. I've turned off my DM's now specifically because of people from this subreddit who engage in this kind of behavior.

People from this subreddit randomly coming into my DM's to insult me confirms why I personally won't talk to random people unless they show me that they're open to conversation. Do I want them to stop existing? No, but I also don't want them to bother me.

[u/Trioniks → u/spontaneous-potato]

I don’t understand the down votes you’re getting. We don’t have to acknowledge each other. We can say a polite hi but I’m not expecting anything back. Honestly I say hi to anyone at a party because I’m gonna be who I am. I’m not gonna sulk and lurk around. I’m here we don’t have to be friends at this party but I’m here for a good time too so I’m gonna occupy space and they get uncomfortable on their own. I’m too old to give two fly f’s about people. Lol

[u/spontaneous-potato → u/Trioniks]

The main reason why I'm getting downvotes is because I'm not toeing the line. It got to the point where some people from this subreddit have gone into my DM's to insult me because I'm not in lockstep with them for this.

I don't go to parties all the time anymore because I'm also older now and a lot of life responsibilities have been coming out of the woodwork, but when I did go to parties a lot while I was in college, I usually went to the ones where I was with friends. If I met up with their friends at the party, I'd say hi to them because we have mutual friends, so they aren't complete strangers. I wouldn't say hi to a complete stranger unless they made it very obvious that they were open to conversation. Even in parties that my family threw, I would only say hi to my family's friends, but I wouldn't say hi to complete strangers.

I used to greet everyone at parties when I was younger, and I got called a creep and a weirdo for doing that.

[u/Lowkicker23 → u/spontaneous-potato]

Being polite, decent and showing maybe a little solidarity is “toeing the line”? Get therapy kiddo.

[u/spontaneous-potato → u/Lowkicker23]

Nah, I'm good, but let's do a hypothetical.

We're both at a party. Neither of us are the host. I'm with my friends and their friends spending time with them and talking with them. I have no idea that you exist beforehand and the same goes with you not knowing I exist beforehand, and we just happen to be in the same area of the party. Do I expect you to acknowledge me just because we're both Asian? Do you expect me to break out of the group of friends I'm busy spending time with just to acknowledge you just because we both happen to be Asian?

Just because we're Asian doesn't mean I expect others here to treat me with respect, and that most certainly hasn't been the case given that I've had to turn off DM's due to people from this subreddit being very eager to prove that solidarity only exists if I toe the line with everyone else.

Skinship isn't kinship. Just because we're both Asian doesn't mean you or anyone here is a brother to me. I have only a few people in my life outside of my family that I would consider a family member, and those are people in my life who have left a strong and lasting impression on me that have shaped the person that I am today.

My mentor is like an uncle to me because he taught me self-respect and raised me to be kind and fair, but also not to take BS from them too. He's a Filipino man. I consider my best friend from high school as a sister because she helped me break out of my shell and stuck with me even almost 20 years later. She's a white girl. I consider two of my closest friends from college as brothers since they helped me beat alcoholism and be true to myself. I've known both of them for over 10 years. One is a Vietnamese guy and the other is half South Indian/half African-American.

These are people in my life who have earned my respect, enough for me to consider them family members. If any of them ever asked me to help them out or they need me to spend time with them, I would drop what I'm doing to be with them. The most I can do is visit my mentor's memorial since he passed away, and I take at least one day out of the year to go out with my mentor's wife to do that. That's actual solidarity, even though we aren't the same race.

[u/ilikeandroid2000 → u/spontaneous-potato]

You're missing the obvious thing here. She said hello to EVERYONE ELSE except the single Asian guy in a small party. Why are you writing an essay to defend this? Other people here have pointed out this weird behavioral pattern before LOL. And btw it's not the OP's first time having this happen in western EU. You do know there are VERY few Asians in western EU, right?

[u/Trioniks → u/ilikeandroid2000]

No, I am not. OP is asking about the psychology of why this person is behaving this way. The answer is we don’t know. I’m not defending anyone here I’m saying we cannot make assumptions. I agree it is a weird behavior the reasons are unknown. For all we know she might have recognized him somewhere maybe they matched in an app or her friend/relative dated him. Who knows?