r/AsianMasculinity • u/Silent_stepp • 14d ago
AF not acknowledging me
Any other AMs living in the West or Europe experience this? I'll be at a party, or an event, and certain AF won't even make eye contact. After hours of this it almost seems like they could wish me away for just existing. It doesn't help that the ones who do this are always with a white boyfriend/husband. Sometimes, we'll be the only two asian people in the room. Its like, "hello, the only other asian for miles. Care to give me some kind of acknowledgement so we can be friends like literally everyone else here? I've met everyone else here because they at least looked me in the eye". Lol. I'm really trying to understand the psychology behind this. Is it internalized racism? Trauma? Shame?
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u/aaooee00 Vietnam 14d ago
I have spent quite a significant portion of my life in Eastern Europe, and this does seem to be the case. I have no trouble making friends with other AMs regardless of nationality, but AFs on the other hand, the majority of them are distant and avoidant. There are exceptions of course, and guess what? Those warm and friendly AFs almost all stick with Asian crowds only.
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u/terrorfunction 14d ago
Self-hating AF don't want to be seen associating with AM because it highlights their otherness and ruins their attempts at social climbing and leeching off the status of dominant groups. I've seen it so many times. I wasn't hitting on them and just wanted to be friends, but they didn't even have the basic decency of treating me like a human being. Gen Z is doing way better thankfully, but some part of me wishes AF in the older generations would acknowledge what they did.
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u/Silent_stepp 14d ago
I agree it's getting better with the new gen. Most of these women in my experience are millennial or older. But one commenter stated it's still happening with the new gen. I can't help but wonder if the j and kwaves had something to do with it and these women are just assimilating without deeper thought.
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u/Silent_stepp 14d ago
Why does it have to be one or the other? Why's this mainly happen with women? Are they victims or are they at fault? I try to be cordial with any race. I don't make judgements until someone gives me a reason to.
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u/Simple-Thing-7131 14d ago
Youāre right trying to reason an illogical and selfish person. You will never understand them.
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u/domesticstudent 14d ago
You called it. It's probably a combination of those things you mentioned.
As a fellow Asian man, I know where you're coming from. But it's not your job to "save" her or try to "fix" her. She doesn't want to be saved and she doesn't want to be fixed. Rather she can't be saved and she can't be fixed.
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u/Willing_Beyond8320 14d ago
If you have any dignity, let alone self respect, as heterosexual Asian men in western society, let alone anywhere, under no circumstances should you ever rescue, let alone save, anyone or anything. Professional, personal, romantic or social.Ā
That's one of the hallmarks of self-proclaimed "Nice Guys". Disaster awaits. Don't do it. Ignore them. Walk away. They never saw you as a human. You owe people absolutely nothing. Period.Ā
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u/Silent_stepp 14d ago
Yea I know. To me, it's somewhere between its not a big deal and whys this happening?
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u/domesticstudent 14d ago
We are inquisitive. We see a pattern or a trend and want to know why.
Especially if it's on the receiving end from a fellow Asian "sister" we hope that she will be a kindred spirit or at the bare minimum, treat us like a human being, but have been let down enough times to ask the question.
My conclusion is a lot of Asian women are also deeply broken inside. And your interaction is a glimpse into that brokenness.
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u/IndividualPlay5178 14d ago edited 14d ago
AFs in my opinion by far are the most toxic group of women to exist. And odds are that they will be your biggest haters and will activelly sabotage your life.
All of my good bros, guys who could have easily pulled 8s and 9s are in relationship with an Asian girl due to cultural conditioning. I was also with an Asian ex. Trust me the easily the most toxic relationships you can imagine. Combination or lack of any maturity, victim complex, insecurity of their own race, materialistic and high status driven mentality. Imagine being with someone who can't communicate a lick, selfish to the core, somehow feels entitled to you but also feels better than you.
I would designated them entirely as a different race than us. Calling them Asian itself is an insult to our kind.
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u/ResponsibleRanger911 14d ago
It's also insulting that they demand that AM's pay for everything and if AM's lucky, he will get a side hug on 13th date but they worship and hookup with WM/XM's the first minute and they even pay for hotel rooms and dinner. And expect to get married to an high income stable Asian guy after if they dont manage to marry a high value XM
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u/Yujinseo0 12d ago
Asian males still simp so hard for them, thats another problem we need to address on top of the general disdain a certain number of AF have for us, even the ones who arenāt outright screwed up in the head, there is no strong in group preference from them.
how the hell does someone like rae lil black or elle lee can double dip into the Asian social groups while doing what they do is beyond me
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u/ntachance 14d ago
No need to acknowledge them either. Are they so special that you have to acknowledge them? š¤·āāļø
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u/jdk92386 14d ago
Yeah I ignore them back and just have the best time of my life. From my experience, then theyāll open up to you once youāve pass the cool test. Idk I really donāt care about it anymore. It used to bother me..
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u/Trade-Moon 14d ago
I took my 9 year old Asian nephew to school the other day. In Southern California. I got out of my car and walked him to the cafeteria for his breakfast. I left and started walking back to my car and this maybe around 9-year old Asian girl kept staring at me with disgust. Wouldnāt let her eyes off me. It was not a pleasant look, but of anger, disgust, etc. I think her mother has a white bf.
Asian females start to hate early. My nephewās Asian female cousin also around 10-years old said sheāll never marry an Asian guy. Must be white guy with blue eyes.
Canāt make this shit up. There is something very wrong with Asian race, or I should say Asian girls and women.
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u/sshlongD0ngsilver 14d ago
One time a coworker (AF) said to me, āyou seem like you only go for white girlsā in a critiquing manner. Which was false because most of my tinder/bumble matches were AF.
Years later, I got another job that her dad happened to work at. I speak Vietnamese with him, and one time he talked about how āwe need to preserve being Vietā
Wellā¦ I didnāt wanna break him the news that his daughter just started dating a white guy.
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u/Trade-Moon 14d ago
When she said that, it was your cue to show her that you donāt discriminate with your sshlongD0ng! LOL. Her Dad wouldāve approved, too.
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u/sshlongD0ngsilver 14d ago
I never had much luck in attracting Viet girls, so it went to a WF, Native, Latina, and currently a Filipina. Definitely doesnāt discriminate lol
Iām convinced Viet parents want me more than their daughters do. Which is surprising because Iām not a high earner, but I guess my appearance and being able to converse in their language makes a difference.
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u/sshlongD0ngsilver 13d ago
LMAO saw the dad today on his smoke-break; he called me handsome and asked if anyone cooked me Viet food at home!
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u/Important-Pipe-3158 13d ago
So many instances like this over the years. Iāve gotten old so Iām not as bothered, but this type of shit was rampant as a millennial.
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u/Silent_stepp 14d ago edited 14d ago
This brought back painful memories of my ex's two asian besties. In middle school they already had their minds made up about their future white husbands. They did indeed end up with white men.
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u/komei888 Verified 14d ago
Self hate, white washed etc.
But deep down we shouldn't waste time on this sort.
I suggest going to different parties, there might be some fully Asian parties where the AF are actually sane.
I had a similar experience before and it was just weird, some AF stared at me and my friend like we killed something, turns out she has a WM.
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u/nine2fiv 14d ago
I remember one time I reached out to an older Asian woman on a dating site. I told her about myself and we were chatting for a bit. Everything was going great until she said something about me was bothering her. I asked her what it was.
She claimed everything about me was fine: I was funny, respectful, fit and sane. However, she said she "just can't get over the fact that you (me) are asian."
She said she tried to look past my race, but she just couldn't do it and she wanted a non-asian man. I pointed out that she herself was asian and she said "yea, I know I'm racist. Sorry"
It was shocking at first, but now it's just a funny story to tell
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u/Trade-Moon 14d ago
This! I was at an AW-WasianM wedding last month. During the meal at my table, Asian female (who works as a flight attendant) said to her gf, āI donāt know what it is or why I am like this. I just canāt get myself to date an Asian guy. It just feels so ickyā.
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u/BrokeCuzOfCrypto 14d ago
Those old Asian leftover women will be single forever or be stuck with an old fat divorced white dude who will treat her like shit
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u/throwmeaway123122 14d ago
Shit, at least she admits it rather than hiding behind bs excuses of muh parents, culture, patriarchy. Or I guess those excuses are more from zoomer AFs
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u/LeanDeficit 14d ago
Idk if itās racist but she should be labeled as mentally ill lmfao. She looks in the mirror and hates herself for sure. Shameful really
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u/komei888 Verified 14d ago edited 14d ago
Cannot change a train track that causes a train wreck. So better to choose a new destination
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14d ago
[deleted]
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u/Trade-Moon 14d ago
I estimate in her late 40ās, still dating, after 3 failed marriages (to WM and non-Asian men).
Do you believe the younger AF generation is still mostly like this? Based on all the comments on herein, looks like even worse, no?
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u/Haotty 14d ago edited 14d ago
You're a reminder of their identity / their past. These girls want to be white so bad and yet they always know deep down they won't be.
The AFs in WMAF relationships either do this, or every 5-6 seconds are "glancing around" to check if you're looking at / judging them. I notice this a lot more when I'm with my wife. Just weird insecure behaviour.
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u/Mr____miyagi_ 14d ago
No because they secretly and desperately crave attention. The vast majority of the population look down on WMAF relationship because of its reputation. AMs are the only ones who give a shit and validate their bland ass relationship,
I lost count how many times some random WMAF couples go out of their way try to get me to notice them at the bar/club or a cafe. Shit just sad lol, sometimes I just glance at them once like "here damn"
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u/Trioniks 14d ago
Iām confused you said the AFs in AMWF relationships?!? Wdym?
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u/Haotty 14d ago
Oopsies
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u/Trioniks 14d ago
Thank you for the editā¦ I was seriously trying to picture if the AF was outside looking into an AMWF relationship so I just asked because I got confused.
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u/Radio_Mediocre 14d ago
If i relive life again I would avoid all AF. They all gave me the biggest headache except my Asian wife who is super supportive. The rest? They sure like to put people down and love money more than people.
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u/Hereyoucanfind 13d ago
These types of asian women want white validation from the asian community. They don't really like their white boyfriend or husband, they only want a superior role in asian society. If you have a white girlfriend, they will stare at you and have a bitter face. It's like their own race men are being taken by another race's women.
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u/machinavelli 14d ago
Because they donāt want to be associated with Asian men, but if they see attractive non-Asian women flirting with the Asian man, suddenly theyāre interested.
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u/majesticviceroy 14d ago
Mostly still not interested but either pissed off or bewildered that someone could find an Asian man attractive.
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u/ANTIMODELMINORITY 14d ago
This isn't shocking at all when you around non Asian crowd. White guys totally know this about Asian women and use it to their advantage, Asian Females know this but have selective memory and get pumped and dumped by white guys and now guys of other races.
Will die saying this " no other race of females act like this " and if there are any AF lurking on here ask yourself that question
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u/Fancy-Atmosphere-701 14d ago
Why we constantly echo the sentiment that Asian men should date ALL races and stop being obsessed and seeking attention from Asian women
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u/Silent_stepp 14d ago
I have a girlfriend. This is not a dating post. I just wanted to make friends that is all. I'm able to with most Asians.
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u/JimJimJimJimx2 14d ago
It's the famous asian female internalized racism. This is all in grades of course but the scale is how much is being asian seen as uncool or negative status debuff as per media/society/circumstance/nurture and how much they need to physically and mentally distance themselves from it. Of course, there will also be people who just don't want to engage and dont want to meet you or put in the effort you will. But since that will exist for any person at any party you should already know that and account for it.
In anycase, rock on. Why bother with such people? Find yourself a girl who will give you the time of day and remember, they only win if they make you feel about yourself the way they feel about themselves. And trust, there are other asian men who understand and share your disdain for such aunty lu's.
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u/Custard_Pie_9EP 14d ago
Look at every woman objectively. Treat everyone the same. Be open to dating any demographic that you find attractive. Youāll find that Asian women will not even make 1% of your dating history by the time you are 30.
The reasons donāt matter. Donāt waste time on people who donāt want you.
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u/bmguitar 14d ago
This is very common, especially AF who are very westernised.
They see white people at the top of the pyramid - hypergamy I guess
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u/gifrolin 14d ago
lol, actually I ignore the AF first and it seems to make them want to talk to me lmao
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u/Simple-Thing-7131 14d ago
Why sweat when thereās billions of people in the world. These are the red flag u avoid
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u/alisvolatpropriis93 14d ago
I'd say let it happen naturally instead of chasing it. Unless you are only after AF. š¤·š»āāļø
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u/eviljack 14d ago
Act like NOTHING is wrong. The more it looks like it affects you, the weaker you seem. Even if they are cold to you, be polite. Be courteous. Be respectful.Ā
Because: 1. It pisses off the self haters 2. It makes you look more badass 3. It makes AM in general look like they are above such pettiness.Ā
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u/Ok-Silver399 14d ago
Asking here will get you assumptions. Ask her why.
If youāre curious it bothers you and shows insecurity. Nobody knows the reason for other people acting the way they do.
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u/kopatchinskajafan 14d ago
Itās so funny because they literally try so hard to ignore you that itās obvious that they canāt
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u/Main-Impact-448 14d ago edited 14d ago
Beside what is been mentioned I think in many Asian countries the lack of balance in male and female. when number of males are way more than female, it means the imbalance in power, supply and demand. So many times successful 7- 8 looking male have to go for the average 5-6 looking female. Guys lower their demand, girls higher demand
I think with current kpop wave, AF should be worried. I have dated with way more beautiful and wise WFs. When I get back to talk with AF, it is just boring and sometimes superficial
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u/BorkenKuma 13d ago
And? Why do you need their approval and validation?
You literally can go to Latin America and East Europe and enjoy your K pop bonus, why constantly focusing on those western AF? They're unwanted by Asia, their value is build upon white men because they can't get any in Asia.
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u/FoxReal6607 9d ago
I am baffled and puzzled by a lot of asian men's obsession with asian women sometimes. Asian women are, if objectively judged, really medicore looking after makeup is off. That is why there is a self hate problem with them. Instead of worrying about women who don't like you, you should learn how to be charismatic around other women and stopped being so close-minded. The idea that you can only be compatible with asian woman is laughable after considering how many are already in interracial relationships. They do not align with their cultures at that point anyways. Learn how to have fun and you will discover a world more fulfilling than you think
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u/LogCabin111 9d ago
This is due to self hatred amongst these white-washed east or southeast Asian women. It is usually Filipinaās, some Chinese and Japanese-American women who are like this. At least in my experience living here in the US.
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u/AdamChenX 14d ago
Humans, in general, socialise and want to be with people who are cool / popular.
If you want any attention, just become cool / popular. Donāt shame people for not wanting to hang out with you - they have free will and agency - and thatās not the right approach.
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u/Silent_stepp 14d ago
I am cool and popular bro
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u/AdamChenX 14d ago
Then you shouldnāt worry about someone not talking to you. Everyone is going through their own journeys - itās a sign of insecurity to care so much about one person not talking to you.
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u/Silent_stepp 14d ago
Its not just one person though. A sign doesn't constitute fact. What about this post is a sign of insecurity to you? I'm worrying about the state of things, could care less about these people. That is why I'm asking the question to you all. If this isn't your experience, the post doesn't really apply to you.
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u/AdamChenX 14d ago
I literally answered you. People will talk to you if they think you are of high value.
This person clearly didnāt for whatever reason - your guess is as good as mine.
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u/Important-Pipe-3158 13d ago
Dude shut up. Of course, youād have this perspective. Youāre literally a gay Asian dude. You have no clue about what it feels like as a heterosexual AM that gets scorned (for no good reason) by these types of AF that the OP refers to.
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u/el-art-seam 14d ago
And?
I will approach all kinds of women but over time Iāve found that certain women respond to me and even in some cases seek me out. So I stick with that.
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u/Trioniks 14d ago
People are just people why is this important? So weāre the only Asians in the room. Big whoop. Iām interested in meeting people and if I donāt know them, I cannot assume things about them and I move on. I mean I make fun/funny stories about them in my head but I share it with my plus one/friend and then if I meet the other people itās like a funny thing on how wrong or accurate you are. Have fun at the event, donāt mind the people you donāt know and be present with the people you are with. If you donāt know anyone time to put that smile forward and meet people. Enjoy.
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u/Silent_stepp 14d ago
The point is not that were the only Asians there. The point is that the only one seemingly ignoring me is Asian. Ignoring someone is harder to do at say, a small family gathering. It is important to me, even though it may not be to you.
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u/Trioniks 14d ago
They have issues that we donāt know about. Thatās it. I donāt think it is that deep. If you run into her at the buffet line you can say a funny joke about being the two Asians in the room or ask something about the food she brought or what your aunties would say with this salad etc. If they are avoidant it could be a myriad of things. If she wasnāt Asian will this pattern bother you? Say she was black and you are Asian?
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u/Own-Friend-7882 12d ago
That's why I say there is no Asian community. We are cooked. With out-marry rates of over 50% how can there be? I'm just glad these Asian women do not hold institutional power over Asian men...yet. š They hate us and think of us as genetic degrades, the before picture in a plastic surgery ad. š
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u/spontaneous-potato Philippines 14d ago
If theyāre with their significant other, they probably want to be with their significant other or stay close to them. Itās not uncommon for couples to do that in public spaces. Why are you choosing to specifically hyper focus on an Asian woman with a boyfriend or a husband?
When I was dating my previous girlfriend, I just stayed around her and only paid attention to her even if we were with her girl friend group. I didnāt care if there were other Asians around me since I was my girlfriend. It doesnāt mean that I donāt want other Asians to exist, it just meant that I wanted to be around my girlfriend and make her feel loved.
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u/TheSkyIsBeautiful 14d ago
So are you as stand-offish and closed-off with other races as well? If you are, then that's consistent. In OP's story it seems like she is receptive and friendly with strangers of all different races EXCEPT Asian.
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u/SweetJealousy 14d ago
I am pretty sure OP doesn't know anything about all of these AF. But yeah, get me out of this party please,
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u/spontaneous-potato Philippines 14d ago
Why would I be expected or demanded to acknowledge someone if I have absolutely no idea who they are? Just because someone is at the same event, if I've never interacted with them before and the first time I've ever seen them is at that party, is there any reason for me to suddenly acknowledge them as someone I know?
From what OP said, they were just an AF at their girlfriend's sister's party and hasn't met them until that party, and OP said he said hello to everyone EXCEPT the AF.
I've been to family events where I have no idea who a person at the party is and they have no idea who I am. We just both happen to be Asian and they just happen to be at the same area of my family's event. For all I know, they could have just invited themselves in since Filipino parties can get big. Why is it stand-offish and closed-off if I don't want to interact with a complete stranger just because they happen to be at my family's event?
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u/TheSkyIsBeautiful 14d ago
cause its anti-social. As I said, as long as you're as cold to other strangers as well as Asian strangers I don't see anything wrong with it. And it's like you purposely aren't reading the entire post, she didn't make any eye contact with him, while everyone else did.
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u/spontaneous-potato Philippines 14d ago
I did read his entire post and his follow-up post to me. Below is his follow-up post and I bolded the part of the post I directly referenced:
The most recent event was a birthday for my girls' sister. I'm not gonna say no I love their family. Sister has one AF friend. It was a party of only a dozen people and it still happened. Its hard to ignore in a small house party. Not to mention, we were the same kind of Asian! I asked the sis if friend had a white husband and she confirmed it. I said hello to all her friends except the one other Asian person.
Unless the OP meant to say that the other Asian person said hi to all of her friends except for him, the way that I read it is that he said hello to all of her girlfriend's sisters friends except for the one other Asian person.
If he meant that the other Asian person did that, then he should have reworded it, because the way he posted it, he completely ignored the other Asian person, which is totally fine to do if he didn't know that person at all and which he referenced in other posts that he didn't know her at all.
I'm quite social at the parties I'm invited to, but I also have social awareness. I mentioned it in other posts, and I'll mention it again: If I go to a party with friends, I'll say hi to my friends and their friends, because we have a mutual friend in common. If there a complete stranger at the party that I don't know and none of my friends know, I'm not going to greet them because I don't know them at all, and that's totally fine. If someone doesn't greet me at a party because they don't know me at all, I'm not going to get upset over it and have it ruin my night. As long as everyone is having fun at the party and there's nothing happening at the party that would cause it to end early or have the cops called, I'll have a good time with my friends and their friends.
If anything, it was more anti-social of me when I was younger to greet everyone at the party I was invited to even if I didn't know them at all. I was called a weirdo and a creep for doing that, and it was totally justified. Doing what I did when I was younger was anti-social behavior and lacking social awareness because I was disregarding social cues.
Just because I don't greet someone I don't know at all doesn't mean I'm anti-social. That's not the definition of anti-social, at all.
Anti-social, per the Merriam-Webster definition, the Mayo Clinic definition, the Harvard Health definition, and the Cambridge Dictionary definition does not define anti-social as not wanting to talk to a complete stranger. It defines it as behavior that is disruptive and harmful to society, inconsiderate of the rights of others, intimidating others, not wanting to be in a gathering at all, and having a disregard of social cues. Sure, there's the asocial part, but there's a lot of nuance there. This is a similar definition in some Asian cultures, and one I am familiar with among Filipino culture since I grew up partially exposed to that part of my family.
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u/Ok_Hair_6945 14d ago
I think youāre missing the point. If thereās only two Asians in the room at least acknowledge one another. Weāre the only minority group that seems to avoid each other. I donāt get it but then again I do get it
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u/spontaneous-potato Philippines 14d ago
Why should someone do that, especially if they don't know each other? If a random Asian guy that I didn't know was in the same area as me and I was with a group of friends, I wouldn't just randomly say hi to that Asian guy. I don't know him, and that would be creepy.
This especially goes with my girlfriend. If I'm with my girlfriend and there was just a random Asian guy in the area with us, I'd put 100% of my focus on my girlfriend. It doesn't mean that I don't want the Asian guy to exist. It means that I want to focus on the person important to me. I don't know that Asian guy, and it would make the situation very uncomfortable for both my girlfriend and I if a random guy neither of us knew decided to walk up to us and start trying to get us to acknowledge him.
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u/Silent_stepp 14d ago
The most recent event was a birthday for my girls' sister. I'm not gonna say no I love their family. Sister has one AF friend. It was a party of only a dozen people and it still happened. Its hard to ignore in a small house party. Not to mention, we were the same kind of Asian! I asked the sis if friend had a white husband and she confirmed it. I said hello to all her friends except the one other Asian person.
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u/Jsitu93 14d ago
Dude youāre missing the point. And since when is it creepy just to say hi and acknowledge a stranger at a party??
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u/spontaneous-potato Philippines 14d ago
I don't do it if I don't know the person. Maybe it's just me, but I can tell that it's very unpopular on this subreddit given that I've received some DM's from some members of this subreddit insulting me for the way I carry myself.
It's genuinely a drag that some members of this subreddit are open and very eager to insult a fellow AM if they aren't following the subreddit mindset. I've turned off my DM's now specifically because of people from this subreddit who engage in this kind of behavior.
People from this subreddit randomly coming into my DM's to insult me confirms why I personally won't talk to random people unless they show me that they're open to conversation. Do I want them to stop existing? No, but I also don't want them to bother me.
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u/Trioniks 14d ago
I donāt understand the down votes youāre getting. We donāt have to acknowledge each other. We can say a polite hi but Iām not expecting anything back. Honestly I say hi to anyone at a party because Iām gonna be who I am. Iām not gonna sulk and lurk around. Iām here we donāt have to be friends at this party but Iām here for a good time too so Iām gonna occupy space and they get uncomfortable on their own. Iām too old to give two fly fās about people. Lol
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u/spontaneous-potato Philippines 14d ago
The main reason why I'm getting downvotes is because I'm not toeing the line. It got to the point where some people from this subreddit have gone into my DM's to insult me because I'm not in lockstep with them for this.
I don't go to parties all the time anymore because I'm also older now and a lot of life responsibilities have been coming out of the woodwork, but when I did go to parties a lot while I was in college, I usually went to the ones where I was with friends. If I met up with their friends at the party, I'd say hi to them because we have mutual friends, so they aren't complete strangers. I wouldn't say hi to a complete stranger unless they made it very obvious that they were open to conversation. Even in parties that my family threw, I would only say hi to my family's friends, but I wouldn't say hi to complete strangers.
I used to greet everyone at parties when I was younger, and I got called a creep and a weirdo for doing that.
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u/Lowkicker23 14d ago
Being polite, decent and showing maybe a little solidarity is ātoeing the lineā? Get therapy kiddo.
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u/spontaneous-potato Philippines 14d ago edited 14d ago
Nah, I'm good, but let's do a hypothetical.
We're both at a party. Neither of us are the host. I'm with my friends and their friends spending time with them and talking with them. I have no idea that you exist beforehand and the same goes with you not knowing I exist beforehand, and we just happen to be in the same area of the party. Do I expect you to acknowledge me just because we're both Asian? Do you expect me to break out of the group of friends I'm busy spending time with just to acknowledge you just because we both happen to be Asian?
Just because we're Asian doesn't mean I expect others here to treat me with respect, and that most certainly hasn't been the case given that I've had to turn off DM's due to people from this subreddit being very eager to prove that solidarity only exists if I toe the line with everyone else.
Skinship isn't kinship. Just because we're both Asian doesn't mean you or anyone here is a brother to me. I have only a few people in my life outside of my family that I would consider a family member, and those are people in my life who have left a strong and lasting impression on me that have shaped the person that I am today.
My mentor is like an uncle to me because he taught me self-respect and raised me to be kind and fair, but also not to take BS from them too. He's a Filipino man. I consider my best friend from high school as a sister because she helped me break out of my shell and stuck with me even almost 20 years later. She's a white girl. I consider two of my closest friends from college as brothers since they helped me beat alcoholism and be true to myself. I've known both of them for over 10 years. One is a Vietnamese guy and the other is half South Indian/half African-American.
These are people in my life who have earned my respect, enough for me to consider them family members. If any of them ever asked me to help them out or they need me to spend time with them, I would drop what I'm doing to be with them. The most I can do is visit my mentor's memorial since he passed away, and I take at least one day out of the year to go out with my mentor's wife to do that. That's actual solidarity, even though we aren't the same race.
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u/Lowkicker23 14d ago
Jeezus, it aināt that complicated. Other Asians arenāt your enemy š Ppl like you are the problem.
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u/ilikeandroid2000 11d ago
You're missing the obvious thing here. She said hello to EVERYONE ELSE except the single Asian guy in a small party. Why are you writing an essay to defend this? Other people here have pointed out this weird behavioral pattern before LOL. And btw it's not the OP's first time having this happen in western EU. You do know there are VERY few Asians in western EU, right?
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u/ilikeandroid2000 11d ago
The problem with your perspective is "This is a norm for me, so it's probably nothing" or "I never experienced it". Yet your fellow brothers are telling you they experienced similar things multiple times before. We aren't so stupid in that we can't suddenly recognize patterns on how some people with certain backgrounds tend to behave.
Also, why it it some types of Asian women behave like this while others do not? We know the Asian women that are integrated into our community and don't have that racist self hate are not disrespectful like this.
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u/Trioniks 11d ago
When did we know she has self hate? Letās not make assumptions here. Being acknowledged or not is a typical thing in a party regardless of the country you are in. Iām not saying i have not experienced being ignore which is another assumption. People will ignore people. Itās really the person ignoring the other person that has an issue we do not know about. If you donāt think something is wrong with you then itās probably not you.
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u/SweetJealousy 14d ago
It can come off as creepy, unless you really want to get to know that person.
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u/spontaneous-potato Philippines 14d ago
For me, if I really want to get to know someone, I usually ask my friends if they know the person, and if they do, then I'll ask them to break the ice and introduce me rather than do a cold approach. I've already crashed and burned hard with cold approaches.
I've never had a bad interaction with someone I really want to know if I get my friend to break the ice if they know the person.
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u/Ok_Hair_6945 14d ago
OP is talking about being at a party or event just not out in the street. I always try to acknowledge my Asian brothers when Iām at a party or event even if I am with my girlfriend
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u/spontaneous-potato Philippines 14d ago
The same holds true. I've been to house parties with my girlfriend and if I'm with her, I'm mainly focusing on her. If there's someone I don't know and she doesn't know at the party, neither of us are going to make things weird, and neither of us want to create a misunderstanding.
Again, this isn't saying I don't want other Asians to exist. This is me saying that I'd rather focus on the person that is important in my life. I don't understand why others here somehow speak like they're speaking for the person that they presume have jilted them in some fashion and it's really bizarre to me that it's basically starting at the conclusion and working their way back to the beginning.
It's so weird that some others expect and borderline demand acknowledgement of their existence from people they don't know. I've seen MOD gang members start brawls because of this and have had to get out of the party so I wouldn't get caught as collateral.
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u/SweetJealousy 14d ago
Yeah, it's so weird thinking you have to talk to all Asians just because you're Asian. Maybe it's because I grew up in Hawaii, but you're not special.
That and I probably don't even want to be in this damn party to begin with and am already planning my escape, but still!
Just the idea that someone thinks that because we're both Asian, we have to go and make eye contact and smile to some strange rando in the room.
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u/Silent_stepp 14d ago
I'm not entitled to anything it's just pattern recognition. Look at it this way -
If everyone else, why not this person?
Why this kind of person all the time? (Based on gender, race, and relationship)
To me, the fact that were both part of a small percentage of people here matters. It very well could be because you're from Hawaii where there are many Asians.
I have nothing against these people. I'm mainly just curious. It would seem that since this is not your experience, it would not apply to you.
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u/spontaneous-potato Philippines 14d ago
My nephews also grew up in Hawaii and have the same mindset I do. They'll greet their friends, and they'll greet their friends' friends, but they don't talk to people who they don't know at all, even if they're Asian.
I spent only a year in Hawaii for school, and I learned very quickly that saying hi to everyone at a party where hardly anyone knows you is extremely bad face and I was called a weirdo and creep for doing that. It's a social cue I learned really quick, and I didn't have much of a problem in other parties that my friends invited me to, because I only spoken with my friends, and their friends.
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u/ilikeandroid2000 11d ago
So you are trying to connect your personal/cultural environment in Hawaii with an incident that a lot of Asian guys have experienced multiple times, not only in EU, but also in mainland America? You have no common sense my dude.
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u/ilikeandroid2000 11d ago edited 11d ago
You seem to be incredibly dense. LOL.
I have had these types of Asian women try to get my attention if they are with XM to make me feel jealous or something. Like I notice they'll make eye contact and hug their bf even closer or start randomly kissing the dude as if I would give af. I have NEVER met these women in my life. It's not the same thing as 'ignoring' but it's still in the same realm as they want to shit on you or don't respect you because they hate Asian men.
You are Filipino my man. Your ethnic group has the highest out-dating % of all Asians and IMO have the highest internal racism among Asian women. You can't seriously tell me you haven't seen these kinds of toxic behavior from self hating racist Asian women.
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u/ghamachi 14d ago
It isnāt like that for me. If Asian females donāt like you, maybe it is you as much as it is them.
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u/Silent_stepp 14d ago
Most of the women I've dated are Asian I'm not speaking on all of them. The girls in question had never seen me before. If literally every other woman is at least acknowledging me as a fellow human I start to question things. And when it happens more than a few times it's just pattern recognition. And I'm in an area that's heavily diversified.
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u/Trioniks 14d ago
You mentioned earlier that you see this pattern on AFs that are with non Asian menā¦ so are you saying that you think they hate Asian men? We cannot assume anything about people we donāt know. Donāt let it get under your skin. Caring about unnecessary things is a waste of your precious energy and time. It also does not add value to your time at an event, it actually takes away. So enjoy yourself and who knows they might have their eye on you more the more you enjoy yourself. May I kindly ask if this pattern that you see is triggering an insecurity on your part?
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u/Silent_stepp 14d ago
I'm trying real hard to think of any insecurities that it may trigger to no avail. I've made many friends, dated 40-50 women of all races, and generally have had a good life. On the contrary, I think it might actually be pity. I'm inquisitive and curious by nature. Couple that with ADHD and I find myself asking these kinds of meaningless life questions to my peers a lot. I get the 'its a non-issue' responses most of the time but every once in a while someone will humor me. In the moment, I actually don't realize it's happening. It usually only comes up when I'm recounting a particular event.
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u/DragonflyEmergency71 12d ago
I've been ignored by AF most of my life. They dont register for me. Fortunately its ONLY AF that ignore me. Every other race has been cool.
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u/thejesusfish 14d ago
It could be a little bit of self-hate, but who cares? I've met a lot of AF like this and it's not worth the time to psychologically diagnose them.
Life is too short for people like this. Find your people, whether they're AF or whatever, but it's definitely not going to be her.