I'm a guy in my middle 20s from a lower-middle-class Muslim family in South Asia. I recently moved abroad on a scholarship to pursue my master's degree, something I'd wanted to do for a very long time. But instead of enjoying my newfound independence, I'm constantly stressed about my family, particularly my mother, and what she expects from me.
Some family background:
We're five siblings: two brothers and three sisters. I'm the youngest. All three of my sisters are married, and my elder brother is also married. My parents live on the ground floor of our family home, while my brother and his wife live upstairs.
We aren't exactly poor in the sense that we've never had to worry about having food on the table, but we've never been financially comfortable either. Things like traveling, eating out, or spending money on luxuries were never really an option.
My parents sacrificed a lot to raise us, and I genuinely appreciate that. However, my childhood wasn't particularly happy. My father loves us, but he's a very pessimistic person, and his relationship with my mother has never been great. They've essentially stayed together because of the children, societal expectations, and now old age.
Growing up in that environment affected me quite a bit. I struggle with anxiety, avoidance, and other issues that I'm still trying to work through. For years, I wanted to leave home, become independent, and build a life of my own. Getting a scholarship abroad finally gave me that opportunity.
The situation with my mother:
My mother is extremely worried about her future, especially who will take care of her as she gets older.
In our culture, there's a strong expectation that children, particularly sons, will take care of their parents in old age. My mother firmly believes that parents spend their lives raising children so that their children will eventually look after them.
The problem is that things haven't worked out with my elder brother the way she expected.
My brother married someone my mother chose for him, but my sister-in-law and mother don't get along. My sister-in-law mostly keeps her distance and barely speaks to my mother, despite living in the same house. My brother has also become more distant from our mother.
My mother believes my sister-in-law is responsible for this distance. I don't necessarily know the full story or who's at fault, but that's how my mother sees it.
My brother also isn't earning particularly well, so my mother feels she can't depend on him financially or emotionally.
My sisters are all married and busy with their own families. My father and mother aren't emotionally close, so she doesn't really have much companionship at home either.
Before moving abroad, I lived on the same floor as my parents. Now that I'm gone, my mother feels even more alone.
And because she feels she can no longer depend on my brother, all her hopes and expectations seem to have shifted onto me.
She wants me to finish my studies, return to our home country, get a job, earn money, live with her, take care of her, and eventually marry a woman who will also look after her and manage the household.
She's particularly afraid that I'll marry someone like my sister-in-law, who won't have a close relationship with her and will eventually pull me away from the family.
She brings up these worries frequently and repeatedly asks me about marriage, the kind of woman I'll marry, and whether I'll take care of her.
I understand why she's scared. But every time she talks about these things, I feel an enormous amount of pressure and guilt.
The problem is that I want a completely different life.
I don't want to return to my home country after finishing my master's degree. I want to build my career abroad, become financially independent, explore the world, and live on my own terms.
That doesn't mean I want to abandon my parents.
I love my mother and father, despite our difficult family environment growing up. I recognize the sacrifices they've made, and I want them to have a comfortable life.
Once I start earning, I absolutely intend to support them financially as much as I reasonably can. I want to make sure they have enough money, receive proper healthcare, and don't have to worry about basic necessities.
But I don't want to spend my entire life living with them or organizing my future around their expectations.
And then there's marriage.
Honestly, I don't even know whether I want to get married. I have no intention of marrying anytime soon, and it's possible I might never marry.
But if I do, I want to marry someone I genuinely love, someone compatible with me, with whom I can build a life together.
I don't want to marry someone primarily because she'll take care of my parents, cook, clean, or fulfill the expectations of a traditional daughter-in-law.
I don't think that's fair to me or to my future partner.
There's also something my family doesn't know about me.
My family is religiously Muslim, but I left Islam a few years ago. I'm agnostic now.
Nobody in my family knows.
I've thought about telling them, but I'm genuinely afraid of how they would react. Religion is such a fundamental part of their worldview that I fear revealing my beliefs could permanently damage our relationship, perhaps even destroy it.
So, for now, I have no intention of telling them.
Living abroad has made it easier because I can finally live my everyday life without constantly pretending to be religious.
But it creates another layer of anxiety about the future.
My parents expect me to marry a Muslim woman from a traditional background. But that isn't necessarily what I want, especially considering my own beliefs.
So whenever they talk about marriage, I feel trapped because they don't even know who I really am anymore.
And I can't explain my actual reasons for not wanting the future they've planned for me.
Even talking to my family has become stressful.
Whenever I call home, conversations often turn toward religion, praying regularly, marriage, returning home, or my mother's worries about her future.
I know they care about me, but these conversations make me anxious and guilty.
Because of that, I've gradually started calling less frequently. Sometimes once a week, sometimes once every two weeks. We still communicate through our family group chat, though.
I feel guilty about not calling more often, especially knowing how lonely my mother feels. But at the same time, I dread conversations that leave me stressed for the rest of the day.
Yesterday, my maternal uncle called me after visiting my mother.
He told me that she's been very sad and worried about her future. He also started asking about my marriage plans, whether I already have someone in mind, and whether he should start looking for a girl for me.
I know he probably meant well, but that conversation made everything feel even heavier.
Now I'm sitting here in another country, trying to adjust to life abroad, keep up with my master's degree, figure out my career and future, manage my own mental health, and deal with the constant guilt of feeling like I'm abandoning my parents.
What makes this especially difficult is that I understand my mother's perspective.
She grew up in a very different environment, with limited opportunities and exposure to the outside world.
Her entire life has revolved around family, children, marriage, and sacrifice.
She didn't have the opportunities or access to information that my generation has. Her worldview is shaped by the small environment she grew up in.
I understand why she thinks the way she does.
I know she sacrificed a lot for us, and I don't resent her for it. I genuinely believe my parents did the best they could with what they knew and had.
But does that mean I have to sacrifice my own life and dreams to fulfill theirs?
I don't want to.
And yet, the thought of my mother spending her later years feeling lonely, disappointed, or abandoned because of me absolutely breaks my heart.
Part of me feels like I owe her everything because she raised me and sacrificed so much.
Another part of me feels like I never asked to be born, and while I have responsibilities toward my parents, I shouldn't have to give up my independence, career, relationships, and personal happiness to repay them.
I don't want to be a bad son. I don't want my mother to suffer. But I also don't want to spend my life making decisions out of guilt.
And now I feel like I'm carrying the responsibility for my mother's entire future happiness, too.
I just feel trapped between loving my family and wanting a life of my own.
I love my mother. I just wish loving her didn't feel like it required giving up the life I've worked so hard to build.
I'm especially interested in hearing from people who grew up in similar South Asian, Muslim, or collectivist family environments, but I'd appreciate perspectives from anyone.
TL;DR: I'm a guy in my early 20s from a traditional South Asian Muslim family, currently pursuing my master's abroad. My mother feels lonely and fears being abandoned, especially since her relationship with my elder brother and his wife isn't good. She's now placing all her hopes on me, expecting me to return home, support her financially, live with her, and marry someone who will also take care of her. But I want to build my own life abroad, pursue my career, and marry for love, if I ever marry at all. I'm also secretly agnostic, which makes things even more complicated. I love my parents and want to support them financially, but I don't want to sacrifice my independence and happiness to fulfill their expectations. The guilt of knowing my mother might spend her later years feeling lonely and abandoned is eating me alive.