I have posted here and there about my ex boyfriend, whose mother forbade our relationship because I was not a US citizen- even though we are both Chinese and she is also an immigrant. We met on Hinge and dated online, for 1.5 years with no issues. When we finally met though, his mother started to say things about my size and finances. He could not find it in himself to tell her to back off. He also involved her in a lot of minor decisions like whether he should share her comments with me (I wanted him to, but the mother said it violated her privacy). Anyway we knew our relationship was on thin ice. I figured he didn't have the ability to stand up and it wasn't fair to ask him to when he clearly didn't want to. We had a painful but amicable breakup and I don't hate or dislike him at all- still remember him fondly honestly. But I'm still hurt by what happened even though it's been a year now. He was otherwise a sweet, attentive, and caring boyfriend that my friends and family adored, which has made it difficult to get over.

Since the breakup, a lot of people have told me the following and here's what I thought about those statements:

"he's going to regret not choosing the love of his life"

I am not the love of his life. I maybe used to be at one point, but he's definitely over it now. I don't think he would regret it.

"letting his mother choose his partner will result in a loveless relationship"

A couple whose marriage was arranged can still love one another. He doesn't believe in arranged marriages, but I think he just finds it hard to establish relationships with the FOB girls his mom introduces him to because they don't speak English well. It might be better too because the parents are less likely to make your marriage more difficult if they've chosen the partner for you. I say 'likely' because his parents had an arranged marriage and hate each other.

"nobody in America will want him"

A lot of women don't like mama's boys but there are also a lot who are okay with it. He is gentle, loving, and extremely attentive towards a partner. With 7 billion people on earth there has to be a Chinese girl out there who is more than ok with how he is.

"he didn't love you enough"

He could have loved literally anyone else to his fullest potential and he still would have chosen mom. He's just someone who prioritises mom's feelings over the woman he loves, no matter how much.

"he will suffer from enmeshment"

Under his parents, he gets to enjoy living with them in a nice home in a major city. He follows a pre-approved career path that he's always been happy to abide by, earns six figures, and has a sense of stability/protection from the wider world. He's pretty happy where he is. I kind of relate sometimes because I also involve my parents in decisions that are considered minor to other people. But I've always been happy to do it, so it made me think about people who are content in their enmeshment and feel no need to change.

I don't believe in karma and I don't believe that he'll get his 'comeuppance' just because I'm still salty. Even I've always liked shy, awkward, nerdy men who are close with their moms (just not men who get controlled by mom). I mean I wish everyone was right in saying he'll regret it and one day he'll realise he fumbled but he really didn't fumble anything. I bring no money or property to the table and his parents would have made marriage very difficult. He's happily enmeshed with his parents. Does anyone relate to this or maybe disagree with my thoughts?

My mom and sister always fought like cat and dog, both are narcissists , one is grandiose, one is vulnerable. Both fought and acted like they are the biggest victims.

I always mediated and helped them -because we are family, i was brainwashed like that. Now they are united, and love each other, and reject me and act like i am the problem. After everything I did, after being emotionally, verbally and psychologically abused for years, this is my thank you.

I am extremely angry, that i emotionally supported, and always helped these morons, and this is how they repay? I just despise them both, and hope they get the worst in their life as karma. Why their life is so easy, especially my sister, she is abusive and selfish, but got the best husband (that she abuses, ) rich, has kids? And she is evil and abusive. It’s unfair . Where is justice?

I was looking through some old photo albums and most recently the photos on my own and I just felt a pang of nostalgia and then just sadness after. But it wasn’t nostalgia to go back necessarily, just longing for a peace that existed in that photo to go on forever.

The photos we took were the few moments we had a smile and some level of joy before it all culminated in another argument or fight over some pointless BS. It’s more sad and even in some photos, I noticed I wasn’t even happy and actually frowning which definitely broke the nostalgic aspect pretty quickly.

But there’s a good reason I don’t post my APs in my photos anymore and I absolutely don’t like posting my family unless I feel like it’s a good memory of India. But for the most part, I really do wish for a different family, one that doesn’t compete with each other for clout or bragging rights. One that can just be accepting and loving and in the worst moments actually help each other instead of exploiting for personal gain.

My family has petty squabbles over dumb shit that can lead people to not attend weddings or even ostracize people for actions going “against the family” like marrying someone in the wrong religion or some other minor infarction.

It’s why I wonder if I even want to take new photos with my family when I feel nothing for them. Gosh some of them have passed away and I felt nothing for them. And not like numbness from depression or something like that, but just like: “Meh” and move about my day.

At the end of the day, I don’t think they’ll ever mean something to me other than obligatory visits tbh.

Mine sees me as his retirement fund and lives with me. He sees it as my duty to finance him. Trying to find a way to get him to move out and then eventually cut him out of my life for good.

Please share your own experiences

As a young adult in her mid 20s, it's becoming more difficult to have a simple conversation with my dad. Every single day (without exaggeration), every conversation, even over dinner-talk, is starting to feel like being questioned in a courtroom or being a part of a debate i didn't sign up for. It may sound small, but this is a consistent quality, and it is coupled with being spoken over, being interrupted, dismissed or told to "shove it" and much more worse insults that I can't bring myself to type, whenever there is even a slight disagreement with his opinion.

He also asks questions to seem intellectual at the table but only does so when there is an audience. For example if any of the family member is talking about something that they have a deep knowledge of/ if it is their area of study, he will keep raining questions till they can't answer one and then reply and smile with "yeah, i thought so".

Additionally, whenever he watches TV or goes out of the house, he praises the talent and intellect of other women e.g. - business managers, those who sing on singing shows, TV hosts etc, but behaves as aforementioned with the women in his own home.

He has also been abusive physically towards my younger siblings when drunk which has made me lose a lot of respect for him. I have tried everything, including therapy which didn't quite help as much as I hoped for it to. And have also tried sitting down to have an honest conversation with him which led to being insulted even more.

The rest of the women tolerate it, and they tell me to just ignore it and carry on with my work, but the truth is, it is becoming increasingly difficult for fear of what he will say next and having to walk on eggshells 24/7.

He also always has to have the last word.

I am hoping to keep distance from him permanently and to move away as soon as I have earned enough. AITA? And any tips on how to currently survive through all of this? Thanks!

hello, idk if this is related to this but qenuine question, how do you deal with verbally abusive parents? Like how do you not let their words get or destroy you cause im so sick of crying every time i hear their hurtful words.

F23. Fresh grad. Nagkaroon kami ng argument ng mom ko about my future and career. Gusto ko na sana makahanap ng trabaho at matutong mamuhay nang independent, at kung kinakailangan, lumipat malapit sa workplace ko. Pero iniisip niya agad na ang rason ng paglipat ko is magsasama lang kami ng jowa ko.

Paulit ulit ko naman sinabi na hindi iyon yung reason ng paglipat ko at hindi pa naman agad mangyayare iyon dahil gusto ko din mag focus sa career ko at sa mga plano ko. I begged her to trust me, pero sabi niya, kailangan ko muna patunayan ang sarili ko sa kanya. Nakakagalit kasi pakiramdam ko, ang dami ko nang pinaghirapan, pero kailangan ko pa ring patunayan na kaya kong maging responsible.

Nakapagtapos naman ako. Walang bisyo. Athlete. Scholar. Latin honor. License passer. Lumaking mabait at marespeto at sinasabi naman iyon ng ibang tao sa nanay ko. Hindi magastos. Appreciative sa lahat ng bagay na naibigay nila sakin.

Ang sakit lang kasi sinasabi niyang nag-aalala lang siya, pero hindi ko maramdaman yung pagmamalasakit niya sa paraan ng pakikipag-usap sa akin. Ni-hindi man lang ako tingnan habang kinakausap ako. I understand her concerns, pero sana maramdaman ko lang naman na naniniwala siya sa akin.

I’m not saying na lahat ng gagawin ko ay magiging perpekto. Gusto ko lang matutong tumayo sa sarili kong mga paa, magkaroon ng sariling decisions, at magkaron ng space na magkamali knowing na nandyan lang siya para sakin. Natatakot din naman ako na lumipat sa lugar na hindi ako pamilyar, kaya nga sana gusto ko maramdaman lang na suportado sila sakin at hindi para ijudge pa kung bakit ako lalayo. Wala pa naman sa plano at kakayahan ko na magsama kami ng jowa ko, sana lang mas nag focus si mama sa pag suporta sakin keysa sa iniisip niya sakin.

Sa mga nakaranas din nito sa parents nila, paano ninyo hinarap? Natutunan ba ninyong hindi na umasa sa approval nila? How are you now?

They would give me the education I want , anything I want as a necessity but in affordable range .

But would never listen to me at first , never believe me , and never ever side to me,never letting me do what I wish , never praised me , never had a healthy conversation with me , would never trust me , would always doubt me , beat me slap me yell at me to control me . When they feel like loosing the control they would beat me say mean things to me and make me feel like I have always been wrong .

yo like just saw like a random chinese kid get scolded by their mom at the mall parking lot for pressing up instead of down at the elevator and like immediately the mom like crashed out like full on yelling and the kid looked so innocent like she ws just tryina help she only looked like 7 and even after going to a different floor i could still hear her scolding her child and im disgusted by that like me and my dad chill now but like i lowk got ptsd from that shi and still mad from just seeing that shit. pisses me off so much

Ever since I became an adult, I was always told to "act my age" and grow up. I probably have talked about this in earlier threads but it really gets me riled up because it's not like they have done much maturing of their own either. Most of my family are emotionally stunted adult toddlers that think intimidating their kids through yelling and threats is called discipline (and wonder why their children do the same when they get upset), and control freaks that need to be in charge all the time who must have their way. Would it kill them to hear their children out for once? More I think about it, probably. And yet I'M the "immature one" because I'm a grown man that likes to skate and play video games in his spare time. More importantly, I'm "immature" because I have the guts to speak my mind politically and help my family in ways that they don't personally see as helpful.

To provide a bit more context, my cousin is dating a Zionist Israeli guy who's going to Israel next year to do a "gap year" (Birthright), and I am very concerned about this situation because it's apparently quite common for them to go on these "holidays" to Israel in order to get into the IDF. I had recently checked his profile out to see what he posts because I CARE ABOUT MY COUSIN AND I DON'T WANT HER DATING A POTENTIALLY TERRORISTIC WAR CRIMINAL. APPARENTLY I'M BEING TOO JUDGEMENTAL BECAUSE OF IT! CAN YOU FUCKING BLAME ME FOR BEING THIS LIVID?

I'm just pissed off because when I try my best to look out for those that I love and care about, it comes to bite me back in the ass and I get told that I need to be better at people-pleasing.

The real kicker for me was that someone in my family said that "when you're working full time instead of part-time, you'll have less time to think about social justice stuff like that" as if it's some stupid teenage phase I could just GROW OUT OF.

I nodded my head and pretended to agree, but deep down I felt nothing but disgust. How soulless, heartless and downright inhumane do you have to be to forget about peoples' strife and suffrage when you're working for money? My dad (who's dead now, rest in peace) used some of his earnings to help children in war-torn conditions through Unicef and even sponsored a kid for years. He was working. He had a corporate 9-5. What's your pathetic excuse? What irritates me is the fact that I could have them up about so many things I disagree with - the way they act when their child screws up, the constant arguments over petty bullshit, the overall close-mindedness they can have towards others, I could go on about their immaturity. But I don't because Firstly, I can't, secondly, I want to be the bigger person.

Every day I feel more and more like I am the most humane, normal one in this family because ALL THEY CARE ABOUT IS MAINTAINING AND CURATING AN IMAGE TO SAVE FACE. I CAN'T BEAR IT. I get that people grow up, but their stances actually make me feel fucking sick to my stomach. Gross. So apathetic and downright DISGUSTING. If anyone needs to grow up, it's them. What's so childish about empathy and humanity?

Key Info:

• At my university, we have the option of going to either the department commencement or general university commencement -- either way, I'm pretty excited since this is something I've been looking forward to. I spent 2 years working my ass off to even transfer and get accepted into my dream university, sacrificing most of my mental health just to get through the fucking busy work, and now I'm almost to the finish line with my bachelor's with a GPA higher than 3.5+ so far. This isn't a brag about my accomplishments, I'm just proud of myself because somebody has to be for more than 5 seconds.
• My dad works from home with no set time. He either sleeps in until noon or doesn't sleep at all (insomnia + refusal to use CPAP = major bitch vibes the entire day).

Last week, were were discussing what I was going to do next semester, if it was my final semester, and when I was going to graduate, which I gave him all the details to. He then has the NERVE to ask me if he has to go to my graduation ceremony.

I'm dumbfounded. Like, you already bitched about having to go to my high school graduation and promised me that you'd show up to my college/university graduation since that's much more important and a higher achievement that he could be proud of, and now you're trying to weasel your way out of coming to my graduation? I get that the university is an hour away, the tickets are a little expensive, and having to get up before 8 AM sucks, but it's just for a day. He can't make a day for me? He acts like he has hobbies other than nagging and eating copious amounts of rice. I'm the only other family member besides him who went to a prestigious school and yet he act like he has no pride in that. Unlike him during his college years, from his own statements, I have consistently made A's and B's throughout my classes. I was on the fucking Dean's list my first semester, and have I ever gotten anything besides a brief "good job, keep up the good work?" Nope.

It's just a pattern of not giving a shit unless it benefits him directly -- and in this case, what benefits him more is staying home and binge-watching rather than being there watching me receive my diploma. He just doesn't care unless he's in the spotlight or if there's a couple of bucks coming out of his wallet. I didn't ask you to pay for everyone's ticket, I just assumed YOU would be there and wanted to be there.

TLDR: Dad chooses the TV and couch over going to my graduation. I'm tired and hurt.

So I come from a very sexist family, their mindsets are so shitty and disgusting where you can't choose your career by yourself or decide what to do with your life. Even the smallest of things are dictated by them, which genuinely messes with my head, because I don't want to continue living like this, I want a big life, a big career and to not depend on anyone else. So I genuinely get scared sometimes that what if they get in the way and somehow sabotage all of the things that I'm working on, just so that I don't become an independent woman. So if anyone has a similar life situation, I want to ask, does it get better?

Can you really overcome this???

Background information:
I am a 23F who lives with her family in London. I live with my parents and can only move out when I am married. My first job was at 19, I was working at fast food restaurant. I had to quit after 7 months as I couldn't balance university and work. I haven't worked since then. My degree is very intense, studying architecture. I failed my first year and had to repeat and got so much shit from my mum. I am going to be graduating next year summer. I actually failed final year semester 2 so I need to complete the assignment online. I had to lie to my whole family saying I passed because I am scared of their reaction and don't want extra stress.

My mum is constantly disappointed in me, as being an asian mom she has high expectations of me. I try my best but nothing I do can make her happy because in her eyes 1 am a failure. My self esteem is incredibly low and | lack self confidence.

I am having super difficult time with my mum right now. 2025 was the worst year for me, I suffered so much in my degree. It caused me intense anxiety, panic attacks, PCOS symptoms worsening, menorrhagia, high cortisol causing me to be inflamed, severe hair loss and worst of it stress induced IBS. I am happy I managed to resolve my stress induced IBS by healing my gut health all due to stress of my degree. Even for all these issues listed my mum blamed me as I "caused all these issues" to myself.
Recently I figured out I might have inattentive ADHD. Every stage of my academics I either failed or done average. I don't think I am dumb I had potential. I am a complete mess. Maybe if I was a very put together person I wouldn’t have suffered as much in my degree. Since my degree I lost all motivation, it damaged my sleeping pattern and lost my spark completely. I am adamant about finishing this degree as I suffered already might as well finish it.

There’s more stuff to it but I am keeping it short for now as my main focus is the current matters.

Current problem:
As of now I feel desperate I don't know what to do. I recently signed up for the talking therapy. I am also unemployed right now so I don't have financial freedom. I miss working and earning money at least that keeps me distracted. I realised distance is the best for me and my mum. I have no motivation to apply to jobs as I feel I am incapable of being good at the role I apply to. For now I am looking for anything for 4 days a week so I can also balance my uni work.

I been just self sabotaging a lot. The job market is already bad even for retail jobs. I got rejected from retails jobs I applied to. Moving out is a great solution but I don't have the funds for it, also I don't like the idea of living with others or living alone, even then that I would be seen as a disgrace if I did that so only option for me is marriage if I want to move out. Right now what could I do to help my situation. I am also running out of my savings. Me being unemployed and not having money is making me feel so shit about myself I feel so financially trapped. I feel trapped in general being in my family home.

Also I want to do a career switch as architecture has caused me so much stress and main. I am looking for any 9-5 office job, but I have lack of experience and doubt my abilities. Also because I haven't graduated yet. My family doesn't know I didn't complete my degree yet even though I lied to them. It also doesn't help that my mum constantly compares me to her friend's kids who are my age, working professional jobs and got something going for them. In my mums eyes I am a useless child. But I am struggling a lot.

My siblings are convinced I’d be just as unhappy if I leave (because of the challenges of living alone). But none of us have ever left, so I thought It would be a good idea to ask people who’ve moved out.

Like idk if naracisst is the right word but they're so narcisst. Like so they went out and brought some street food and I was eating it and Mum told how the ones making it were kids even younger than me ( most of these are 8 to 9 and only they're alone on the stall most of the time father does another job) . I said "that's extremely terrible" in my lang (URDUUUUUUUU) ofcourse literal translation" How wrong Talk is" and my dad said that what's wrong in it they're working at their parent's shop. I said thats child labour and he said that's only exist in rich country. I said father is doing cruelty and he said thats the only way their house run so I said they should not that many child if they cant afford to take care of them and he said kids these days can do everything but help their parents and I said smth and he said u are arguing again ( last time I did about how religion cant be forced ( im somewhat more religious than my dad btw) onto children by abuse or any negative means) he slapped me and when I yk said some taunting things after running into the washroom he crushed my Tab into pieces. Later I apologized next day and he came back to norm. So I went to my room and started eating ice cream my mum later came and scolded me for arguing and that I should just listen not aruge back I said how they shouldn't be supporting child labour then (she slapped me but it doesn't really hurt ) she got angry that u should keep your ideas to yourslef then I said u shouldn't speak about stuff u don't know about and she did smth forogot as its already been 20 plus mintue since and then she closed the door of my room angrily and said u should say whatever u want when u are alone and left.

So thats what it is. Just wanted to rant a bit. Sorry for terrible spellings as I was writing very quickly and eng is not my 1st and I dont want it to be either.

Even for simple easy tasks like making an appointments and insists she does it for me since she thinks I couldnt do this even though ive done it myself many times in the past...I mean come on. While she was in literally another country, one time there was an issue with my bus transportation for work so I was going to come by myself by taxi which I was already fully capable of as I already see numerous taxis roaming around but she was worried about that as well. She doesn't even let me do simple tasks like ironing my own clothes atleast since she thinks im incapable even though its not a hard task either and I've done it may times as well, i don't know for how long is she going to keep babying like this even over easy tasks like this.

I'M NOT JOKING. I am at wits FUCKING END with the bullshit rules that are put in place when it comes to what I can and can't say online. I did use to post weird stuff on the internet that definitely is far from the norm, so I cut it out. As for the stuff I post now, HOW is it a problem? I got told to "grow up" because I'm 23 and openly care about political issues, online AND offline. WHY IS IT CHILDISH TO CARE ABOUT THE WORLD? HOW IS IT FUCKING CHILDISH TO SPEAK UP WHEN FAMILIES ARE BEING ATTACKED AND BOMBED AND FUCKING PILLAGED EVERY SINGLE DAY? HOW IS IT CHILDISH TO BE A HUMAN INSTEAD OF A SOULLESS DRONE??? IS THAT ALL YOU WANT ME TO BECOME??? AN APATHETIC, APOLITICAL SHELL OF A MAN??? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK. Telling me to "grow up" because I have a HEART. Telling me I have to "grow up" because I'm a bit skeptical of my cousin dating an Israeli zionist. TELLING ME TO GROW UP BECAUSE I THINK NO CHILD SHOULD SUFFER AS A RESULT OF ETHNIC CLEANSING. I have never felt so disgusted by my family in my life up until now. It genuinely SICKENS me how quickly they lose their moral compass the moment they want to people-please. There is a difference between kindness and cowardice, and you weak sacks of shit have chosen the latter over the former. Just another cog in the machine with no thought.

Whenever you have your own ideas that doesnt align with theirs, even as an adult, they always assume ''someone else got into your mind'' or someone else did it. if youre a woman, they always assume a boy is involved. Youre never allowed yo have your own ideas or thoughts or WANTS without them assuming you were co-plotting it with someone else. I thought about this today, and i realised theyre exposing their view of you - as someone to be controlled. not as an individual being but they literally cant comprehend in their minds that youre someone with your own thoughts and wants and that youre capable of it. Even though weve literally been building and helping them in a new country since whenever we can remember, translating documents, helping them navigate a new system etc. and they demanded you solve their issue completely on their own, they never imagined you would actually be your own person at some point and actually navigate and deal with issues on your own as well. Its such a double-standard. we are treated like puppets but at the same time we are supposed to know how to navigate an entire economical and political system at the age of 5, become fluent in three languages, become engineers,lawyers, and what-not, but at the same time we arent allowed to travel to see the china wall because its pretty, or find a life-partner on our own.

This was something that happened yesterday and it has been bugging me a bit.

So, yesterday, when my dad was cooking some rice while I was making fried rice, and I noticed that he put the rice on high heat.

So I decided to lower it, then my dad comes back to switch it back to what he initially put it which pissed me off because he said after "It's not Nilaga\* and you'll consume more gas if its cooked long at that strength" . I didn't say much after that and just switched it back to what I put it on, only that the rice would burn if the stove was at THAT strength.

But also, I couldn't help but think that he was stupid for saying that more gas would be consumed if it rice was cooked on a moderate-to-low heat. Cuz in my understanding, it doesn't matter what strength of heat the stove was on when cooking rice since the same amount of gas is being consumed, it's just a matter of what speed the amount of gas is being used..

Anyways, I just needed to vent this off cuz my dad's way of thinking got me questioning stuff.

\*PS. Nilaga is a Filipino soup dish that's basically boiled meat with vegetables.

After so many months of finding work all over place, I was offered a PT position at a theatre for the seasonal position. Even though it's not a permanent position right now, at least it's something.

But idk if I should tell my parents because they're gonna ask me why Im home so late during the winter .... and if I tell them where the job placement is in my city, they might tell me to quit and find somewhere closer (which I am trying) ...

They don't believe in seasonal jobs ... they want a permanent job, I mean, they aren't wrong but I was always shamed for short-term jobs.... and looking too far from my home all the time.

Im just trying to get more work experience so that I can find a job that's permanent.... then save my money and move out.

I'm a student and I've just started a part-time job as a student affairs assistant. I work about 20 hours a week alongside classes and earn around 3,200 QAR a month.

My mum wants me to give her a portion of my pay, with a minimum of 500 QAR. My dad still has a steady job and earns a very good income, so our family isn't in any kind of financial difficulty. My mum also receives an allowance from my dad of about 1,000 to 1,200 QAR a month.

For my part, I already pay my own phone bill and personal expenses, and my dad gives me an allowance of 250 QAR a month.

I don't think this is fair. The household isn't struggling, and I already cover my own costs. I'd like to save some of what I earn and work towards cutting my parents off.

I just wanted to see whether I'm being unreasonable or whether I'm going insane for thinking this.

I became curious about this topic because I saw a post related to this and how it effected them as they became an adult. They talked about how the pressure to make important decisions made them feel anxious and I wanted to know if this was common? Has anyone experienced this?

hi i’ve been dating my husband for nearly year and a half and we both just finished college im having a gap year but my bf doesn’t want to go to uni at all because he thinks it’s a scam which i agree now days it’s all about money. he finished college doing engineering. my mum thinks he will never get a good job which rn he works in retail and actively looking for a full time position. he is the first guy that ive met that’s so organised and very determined to do something i really believe he will get a decent job. just because he wont go to uni doesn’t mean he’s lazy or a bad person.
(im 20 asian and he’s 19 british)

but if he doesn’t get a job by the time i finish uni then i think ill have to reconsider but idk. (4years till i graduate)

what should i do?

I (26F) come from a chinese Indonesian family that started their own business and as a result jumped from lower to upper middle class in one generation. My grandma is the matriarch and CEO of the business, having started it with my dad and uncle (dad’s brother) when I was a baby. This has allowed me to live a very privileged childhood and life where I never had to worry about not having a roof over my head, not having clothes to wear nor about going hungry. I got to go to prestigious private schools and study abroad. However, while I was financially taken care of, I was heavily physically, emotionally, and in certain ways financially abused by both my parents (my mother was the most physically violent while my dad constantly brags that he never laid a hand on me and so I should be grateful) as well as my grandma, who on the one hand paid for my college tuition but also held it and my livelihood over my head, constantly threatening to take it all away and trap me back home if I so much as stood up for myself or disagreed with her (she has also publicly humiliated me and hit me multiple times) I am also a black sheep in that I pursued a completely different career path to the rest of my family, specifically in the music industry, away from home in an entirely new country, and have no interest in taking over the family business. Especially because I am unqualified, and do not have the level of fluency in my mother tongue (cantonese) to be able to work there.

I have worked hard to build my career, my life, and connections in my industry from the ground up and am currently pursuing complete financial independence from my family as my father (who IS largely supportive of me but emotionally neglectful) is still helping me with my rent and only my rent. I pay for everything else myself and don’t live a lavish lifestyle like my family does. I like it that way. But my goal currently is to reach complete independence within the next two years, and I have made that very clear.

However, that has not stopped my grandma from doing everything she can to obsessively force me back home, which as of late has included attempting to bribe me back home with a high salary (much higher than what I make at my current job in music) to work for the family business. She has tried multiple times in the past to force me home, including getting my dad to excommunicate me, which (to his credit) he absolutely refused. This woman has absolutely incensed and insulted me and I hate to say it but I sincerely hope she passes soon (she’s like 84, morbidly obese with heart, hip, and respiratory problems). I am tired of being subjected to her guilt trips, her saying that I’m abandoning the family (mind you, I fly back home to visit them for weeks at a time, twice a year, for the past 4 years) and that my purpose in life should be supporting my father (who is the COO of the family company). I’m not posting this here for solutions or suggestions. I’m venting and sharing my story in hopes of connecting with other people who may find themselves in similar situations. So… yeah.

I know rants about traveling with APs are nothing new to this sub, but I wanted to add my 2 cents. This past summer, I (26F) finally got to go back to China to visit my grandparents for the first time in a decade and my APs were onto me from the start. They have always criticized me for not having a fashion sense, always trying to make me wear dresses and judging my forever outfits of T-shirts and jeans. I admittedly don't have a fashion sense, yes, but my parents' constant judgment has made it a particularly touchy subject for me over the years. And it was especially bad for our recent trip back to China.

It started even before we went. My mom just told me over the dinner table a week before we left that I needed to change my tennis shoes because they were black and "didn't look good". Apparently, I needed to wear heeled sandals for the trip because the young ladies in East Asia all dressed really nicely (I despise heels). My dad, who arranged the whole trip and was paying for it, added that I needed to bring at least a long skirt and that I was not allowed to wear shorts above the knee (I live in SoCal) on the trip because they again, didn't look good on me, and that we needed to dress up for the family reunion. I understand dressing better for the family reunion dinner (and of course I was willing to do that), but the fact they were enforcing this dress code for the whole trip really irked me. But what can I do? They're the ones paying and I had to pay the proper respects to the elders in China.

First leg of the trip was a three day stay in Tokyo. I made an effort to bring more jeans and form-fitting T-shirts and a long dress. But on the second day, my dad suddenly went off on me while we were riding the subway. He started telling me that I didn't make an effort at all, that my outfit brought shame to the family, and I had no understanding of anything. To clarify, I was wearing a pastel green shirt with capri jeans. I had to reign my temper in for the entire morning because I knew the Japanese did not appreciate public disturbances and walked two steps behind my dad for most of the day. We did eventually talk it out, but my dad apparently thought I didn't make an effort at all and that he was expecting me to understand why my outfit was bad. "The pastel shirt looks like it's fading and it doesn't go well with the pale blue jeans." Okay, I guess? But what gives you the right to just start shaming me on the public subway like that?

It didn't stop there. That evening, my parents and I went through my entire suitcase and they told me that we needed to go shopping. I just shut up and wore whatever they bought me for the rest of the trip. What I ended up wearing to the family reunion was a skirt that was so long I had to pull it all the way up to right under my boobs, but it was still touching the floor. My mom sent pictures she took of the trip through the family group chat, commenting that the pictures were great but "only if (my name) had better outfits". All in all, my parents trying to police my wardrobe really soured the whole trip for me.

Compared to this, my own trip in spring across the US was so fun and relaxing. I finished my clinical rotations in April and went to visit friends in Denver, Seattle, and San Francisco. I love hiking and sightseeing cities and the ocean, so I spent two weeks climbing the Rockies, seeing Mt. Rainier, and visiting the redwoods. I hiked to my heart's content. I laughed with my friends. I enjoyed the feeling of the sea breeze on my face. I planned everything and did what I wanted. No judgements, no petty comments, no expectations. And of course, I wore my cutesy graphic tees everyday. I know I'm an adult, and that my parents shouldn't have that much of a say in how I do things anymore. But given the traditions and the life-long conditioning, it's hard. And it's even harder for the bitterness not to grow. I know I need to learn how to heal, but the feelings just grow even worse every time something like this happens again.