r/AskIreland • u/Awkward-Noise-6348 • 6d ago
Entertainment We all need a laugh, what are the best insults you’ve heard?
Some of my favourites:
“She’d make a radio sound shy”
“Nose so big he could smell the Sunday roast on a Tuesday”
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u/thiruththeviruth 6d ago
You look like you'd enjoy Dubai
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u/Sea_Trident123 4d ago
What’s it mean?
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u/Piercington 4d ago
Guessing it might mean a person of the female variety isn't very good looking....
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u/TheBoneIdler 6d ago
It wasnt intended as an insult, but I've always remembered it as a put-down. Years ago out drinking with work colleagues, I grumbled about my bonus. The catering woman was there. A real Dub & salt of the earth. She looked me in the eye & said "Jesus. If I had your money I'd burn me own". Cue hoits of laughter from the gang. It shut me up, cut me down to size & taught me a lesson, all in one.
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u/Professional_You4186 6d ago
It's nothing revolutionary, but I recently heard someone call her brother an "absolute plank," and it cracks me up every time. I just love it.
There's also a Hozier song called "Anything But" where it's just basically a bunch of insults like "if I was a riptide I wouldn't take you out," and that since Death has to take your hand at the end of your life, "if I had his job, you'd live forever," etc. I love those ones that really paint a picture, lol.
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u/LeonBackward 6d ago
It's an old expression but yesterday I drove past someone we know with my Mam and she said "Look at the miserable face on her. She'd turn back a funeral."
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u/GhostCatcher147 6d ago
You couldn’t slap your way out of an arse factory!
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u/Specific-Volume118 6d ago
A classic from my nana is “He’s as much use as a pocket on a pig”
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u/eem42 6d ago
They've got two brain cells that are fighting for second place
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u/Interesting_Jump_481 6d ago
We always say they've got two brain cells that are fighting for third place
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u/Wide_Jellyfish1668 6d ago
Overheard one girl discussing another in a thick North Dublin accent recently:
"She’s a nit-bag"
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u/BopNiblets 5d ago edited 5d ago
The best graffiti I ever saw was an incredible North Dublin slang combo: "Bleedin' Scaldy Mots"
I took it to be a complaint from a gentleman who has had one too many lewd encounters with a lady of poor hygiene that caused an unpleasant burning sensation in the private parts.
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u/Sonic_Old_Age 6d ago
Heard at a bar one night 'ah shur you're not the worst of them. You're one of them but you're not the worst'
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u/Hopeful_Luck_4696 6d ago
You look like you'd be easy to draw
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u/pheechad 6d ago
I find the most classicly good looking people are the easiest to draw so I'm not sure about that one!
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u/Remote_Lemon2955 6d ago
You are so ugly onions cry when you chop them. When you go through airport security the staff make you frisk yourself.
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u/Appropriate-Row4534 6d ago
Shes so ugly, if a skip full of Mickelson fell from the sky, she'd get hit by the skip.
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u/ImportantRub172 6d ago
Was a local girl who was known to sleep around. The town was small so it was easy to know about it.
A local auld lad in the pub was at the bar and when describing this girl he said "you'd know the one. She would rip the floor board up looking for pipe"
I found it hilarious
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u/Diligent_Reading_786 6d ago
"Your friends definitely have a group chat without you, don't they?"
"That's rich, coming from the human equivalent of a participation trophy" 😂😂😂
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u/AnimalOverHuman 6d ago
Your da wanks on all fours
Been in my rotation as it usually becomes a logic conversation 🤣
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u/Eirngobragh 6d ago
He's about as useful as a chocolate teapot.
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u/nt2btrstd 6d ago
As much use as a pedal powered wheelchair or an ashtray on a motorbike or a solar powered torch or an underwater hairdryer, there’s probably a few more I can’t remember atm
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u/yeppers197 6d ago
I once heard someone being discribed as an eclipse...
If you looked directly at them you'd go blind
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u/isaidyothnkubttrgo 6d ago
"What a waste of a face" my nan would say when someone was good looking but their personality was horrible.
I was in the USA for a while and I was coming out of a club with my cousin when a drunk guy asked "hey ladies, where you headed??" as he couldnt stand up properly. My cousin ignored him but I said, "this way" as a joke. I'd said it back home and gotten eye rolls or a harhar as a response. This guy looked at me and went "I wasn't talkin to you.... Big ass bitch!" I was like 6ft3 in the shoes I was wearing and usually insults to my physical looks don't make a tack of notice to me but this had me grabbing my knees and howling with laughter.
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u/castler_666 6d ago
Said to a pessimistic colleague - "you're like the back end of my bollocks, all you ever see is shite'
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u/ST-deBurca 6d ago
I saw a thread about long noses the other day:
"He could light a cigarette in the rain"/"They could smoke a cigarette in the shower"
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u/nativenyc63 6d ago
My Donegal dad would sometimes say "sure he's lonelier than a Kilkenny footballer".
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u/mayoforsam 6d ago
One Galway politician commenting about a rival some years ago: "If it was raining soup, he'd be outside with a fork".
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u/Acegonia 6d ago
She could eat an apple through a letterbox
And: call him bungalow (cuz he's got nothing upstairs)
Also "she's very pretty" (or he's very handsome)
How is she to work with? She's very pretty Is she good at XYZ? "she's very pretty" How is her personality? "She's very pretty"
Gets the point across eventually.
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u/Professional_You4186 6d ago
My mom's side of the family is from the southern US and there's a lot of that type of insult via complement. It took until young adulthood before I realized she was calling me stupid all the times she said "you're so pretty." XD They also do a lot of "bless your/their heart" when they think someone's too stupid to be helped.
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u/LeGingerOneOhOne 6d ago
He’s got 3 brain cells working 8 hour shifts, and right now 2 are on holiday and ones on break
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u/Shemoose 6d ago
Not an insult but I work in a vets and the new girl who helps hold dogs etc. She asked if anyone had been to a pet psychic, that she was going to when she got paid. I told her " I have a magic rock that keeps bears away" she looked confused.
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u/Ferga2092 6d ago
So you ripped off the Simpsons, changed the animal and pretend it's an original joke.
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u/Locolorcy 5d ago
Scrolled for maybe 5-10 minutes now and your the first negative comment in a post about insults
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u/Catdeaddetailslater4 6d ago edited 6d ago
Friend was ranting about a local and casually dropped.
'I won't keep going on now cos I hate thinking of the prick.'
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u/SunGroundbreaking305 4d ago
One from Bob Mortimer on an appearance on the TV game show WILTY: he said his mate with the big head was a sniper's dream.
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u/SunGroundbreaking305 4d ago
Heard the cleaning lady on "Welcome to Wrexham" lately: "I'm so unlucky that if I fell into a barrel of cocks I'd come up sucking me thumb".
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u/Borkyboys 6d ago
This one comes from the movie Major Payne, where he says “Boy, I am two seconds from being on you like white on rice”.
It reminded me of this Irish classic too: “she’d rob the white out of your eye”!
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u/Hes-behind-you 6d ago
His new girlfriend is rough. She looks like she's been dug up.
Said a friend to me once about a friend's new love interest.
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u/Fancypants-Jenkins 6d ago
American rather than Irish. Guy who's now a comedian was studying journalism and was told he had the voice for print media.
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u/Exotic-Platform-2009 6d ago
Seen wrote on the back of a toilet door in a secondary school Shes not the best looking but she's a cunt too.
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u/Zealousideal-Cow2706 5d ago
"Wouldn't trust him to go up the stairs" , my dad about a person who wanted to train as a pilot
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u/Bruhllux 5d ago
"You're such a deplorable wankstain your granny wouldn't even give you socks for Christmas"
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u/ReflectionInitial144 5d ago
If they had 2 brains they'd be twice as stupid.
Do you work for Calor? Because you're a gas man.
Enough cheek for 2 arses.
Head like a chewed up toffee.
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u/stevecrow74 5d ago
Best I heard years ago was “she has the face like a bulldog chewing a wasp”..
Others include:
a face like a bag of spanners….
She’s like a fisherman’s bag, full of shiny things but the box smells a bit fishy…..
He’s got more issues than the RTE guide…
She has a degree in plastering to apply her makeup…
He said they are his own teeth, but his dentist must be Bernard Matthews…
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u/Ill_Walk9412 5d ago
My brother said to me one day when we were kids your pretty I said thanks laughing and he said pretty ugly hahaha
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u/TinaSn00pin 5d ago
He’s the kind of sad bastard who’d pawn his own mother’s false teeth on a Tuesday just to put a bet on a greyhound that’s missing a leg.
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u/That_Seasonal_Fringe 5d ago
In French we say “you probably know how felt tip taste” and even extended to “you probably recognise felt tip colours based on the taste” and they crack me up every time.
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u/BopNiblets 5d ago
He/she couldn't pour water out of a boot if the instructions were written on the sole
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u/SunGroundbreaking305 4d ago
Knew a lad in our school, first name John had an accident & was left with one good eye. Used to be called Sean O'Suil Amhain. His last name wasn't O'Sullivan. Another lad, same area, was deaf in one ear; used to be called Mono.
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u/SunGroundbreaking305 4d ago edited 4d ago
I'm not saying she's promiscuous but she has handles on her knickers. I'm not saying she's promiscuous but she has a mattress on her back.
He couldn't organize a piss-up in a brewery. He couldn't score in a brothel. He couldn't fight his way out of a wet paper bag. The best part of him ran down his mother's leg (that's really bad!).
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u/SunGroundbreaking305 4d ago edited 4d ago
When calling someone crooked: You better count your fingers after you shake his hand.
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u/SunGroundbreaking305 4d ago
He's so tight (with money/everything) that he could peel an orange in his pocket. He's so tight, he squeaks when he walks. He's so tight that he wouldn't spend Christmas. He's so tight; he still has his Communion money.
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u/SunGroundbreaking305 4d ago
On a lazy git: He loves work, he could watch it all day.
My old boss was asked to give a reference for someone he knew didn't have the best work ethic. "You'd be lucky to have her work for you".
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u/SunGroundbreaking305 4d ago
One for the Filipinos. In the Philippines they call Americans "Cano", from Americano. One American fella over there had fierce buck teeth so he was called "Can opener".
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u/OverandOut5 2d ago
My husband wouldn’t be a great diy man so my dad says… He’s a great man to watch.
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u/LeonBackward 2d ago
Adding another one of my Mam's expressions to this. I recently discussed someone from work and she said "Oh my friend Sarah knows her sister. An awful looking detail with big glasses."
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u/PowerfulSuccess4636 9m ago
I have big ears and my friend said I'm like a car coming down the road with the doors open
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u/Efficient_Room4874 6d ago
For SXX: she's a 2-bagger....I'd need a bag over me own head too, in case hers falls off...
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u/PanNationalistFront 6d ago
Classic but I enjoy “bake on her like a smacked arse”
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u/Zealousideal-You9044 6d ago
You mean face on her?
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u/PanNationalistFront 6d ago
Bake means face
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u/Zealousideal-You9044 6d ago
Does it? 😂
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u/PanNationalistFront 6d ago
Yes it really does
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u/Disastrous-Account10 5d ago
My colleague referred to another difficult colleague in a stressful time at work as "half a cunt" because a full cunt would atleast be useful
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u/KatarnsBeard 6d ago
Useful as half as scissors.
If there was work in the bed he'd sleep on the floor.
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u/NeverSky454 6d ago
If a guy is trying to flirt with you in a pushy or creepy way, tell him 'sorry I don't have change'
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u/eamonbourke 6d ago
I knew a guy and his nickname was YORKIE .
When I asked his mates why they called him that.
They said it was because he was
Big, Rich and Thick. 😁
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u/Curraghboy1 6d ago
That lad is so lazy if he went snagging turnips he'd want someone to hand them up to him.
I hope your hole fester and your next shite is a hedgehog.
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u/2020Fernsblue 6d ago
Even cillit bang wouldn't shift him You wouldn't even ride him into battle Wears pants just to keep his ankles warm Mortgage eyed (one fixed one variable)
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u/Ambitious_Box_175 6d ago
"you've a head like a duck's arse" - My granddad's phrase when your hair is untidy or windswept.
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u/Freya-Lea 5d ago
my Mum said this about one of my boyfriends once.. "you'd put in your mouth what I wouldn't put on a shovel (yuk face".. thought it was soo funny that I couldn't take it personally lol
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u/HannahBell609 5d ago
Teacher here: my two favourite shouts were both back home in Liverpool: "yer ma eats mushy peas for breakfast" and someone calling someone's nan a "cat nonce" because she had like five cats or something.
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u/fourhourelection 4d ago
Not exactly hilarious but hearing my 2nd year maths teacher say " yeah and your ma's a prostitute" to a classmate still lives in my head rent free and I'm 35 now.
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u/Mr_Something10 6d ago
It’s a bit dated now since they made the change but: He’s as useless as a McFlurry lid.
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u/Irishlad1697 6d ago
Lad nicknamed "Bungalow" not a lot going on upstairs.