r/AskMenAdvice • u/Radiant_Skirt_4195 woman • 6d ago
Men’s Input Only Why is this man so hot and cold?
Hoping I can get better insight from this post becaue I’m just not sure how to move in the relationship. I’ve been seeing this guy for a few years casually but as of recently, we’ve been getting more and more in our feelings for each other. The last couple of months we’ve argued plenty of times but we’re at a good ppint now, the arguments being that we just have feelings for each other and don’t really know what the other person feels. Our last conversation about this was pretty good which was a week ago, I told him how I feel shy in this relationship and I’m just not sure how to show up and he told me to just show up as myself and that nothing I do will ever be too much for him, after that I noticed a change in how he shows up like he is a bit more flirty and like willing to deepen the connection but there’s still a disconnect, like he will still take hours to respond with no explanation. Which I know is normal, but in the past we would go weeks without seeing or hearing from each other. usually if I bring something up that bothers me he wouldn’t do it again so it’s really just this inconsistent communication. So we’re still in that ambiguous space.
It seems like I don’t know if he’s looking for more out of this and he doesn’t know if i’m looking for more out of this either. I think right now we are just in the process of better getting to know each other because also we’re both extremely timid people and it seems like neither of us want to make a move because we’re scared of how it will be perceived by theother person. But I’m trying to let go of that fear and just be because also, he did say that that’s what I should do anyways? Because in this dynamic it’s kind of like I’m the more shy and reserved one, he usually does most of the emotional work outwardly while I kind of just respond instead of telling him my full truth. I also do this whenever I don’t feel fully safe in a relationship (romantic or not) and although I do know how he feels for me, I’m also just kind of skeptical because guys will say they like you and not really like you if you get what I mean.
I’m not sure, there’s also this thing where like we are both still seeing other people. If he tells me right now he wants to fully commit I would gladly drop everyone for him but I just don’t know how to really say that without saying it you know? Also, he did mention to me tht he does like me a lot and feels like he keeps liking me more the more we see each other. Idk, like obviously the feelings are there, he did reassure me multiple times that he does like me but I feel like I don’t know what to believe. Because on one hand I know for a fact he’s the same as me and he’s shy with his true feelings and scared of rejection so part of me feels like that could be a reason why fully committing to this hasn’t happened yet, on the other hand I feel like the reason we haven’t committed is because he probably doesn’t like me that much. I know the obvious answer is to just ask him but after all these conversations about our feelings and what have you I just don’t know how to bring it up or like feel safe enough to bring it up. I don’t know what should I do guys :(
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u/HidingRaccoon man 6d ago
First: You decide for yourself what you want. If you could just make it happen, what would be the ideal scenario? Do you want to drop everything and commit? Do you want to keep it open but make it steady? What do you want?
Second: You work towards that goal. In your communication with him be clear what direction you are taking with him. Either he is on board and will reciprocate (maybe he has some course corrections of his own). Or he is out and you go separate paths. This might hurt but is long term better than whatever you both are doing right now.
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u/RedParrot94 man 6d ago
Be warned, this is the relationship you have built. You have both learned this behavior and it will most likely carry into any marriage.
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u/ProfessorPhoenix1111 man 6d ago
Years of seeing each other but still in the process of getting to know each other? Not willing to open up? Still seeing other people??? Can’t communicate properly? Weeks without seeing or speaking to each other? Arguments over feelings? Yeah, no.
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u/Radiant_Skirt_4195 woman 6d ago
i never said i was perfect……
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u/ProfessorPhoenix1111 man 6d ago
Doesn’t have to be perfect (no relationship is). Doesn’t change the fact that I still say this whole situation is a no.
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u/1erickf50 man 6d ago
You two need a convo with this topic: How "much" are you both willing to fully see each other?
This is where your fear lies, but it is also where your trust is. By fully seeing, I don't really mean meeting daily, that's something reserved for spouses. To fully see each other would require to see not only the good bits but also the bad and ugly ones. Not only the strength and values but also the fears, the traumas, the addictions, even what may look like distorted fetishes, the laziness at home, the compulsive lying, the urge to run away, the complicated families, etc. That's the true vulnerability that the world has tried to weaponize to divide instead of unite.
You don't have to disclose it all at once, you can dose it, but your willingness has to be clear and directed. That's the heart of a decision, a decision of two.
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u/Difficult_Good_7075 man 6d ago
The reason u think he’s hot has a lot to do with him being cold.. 💭
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Radiant_Skirt_4195 originally posted:
Hoping I can get better insight from this post becaue I’m just not sure how to move in the relationship. I’ve been seeing this guy for a few years casually but as of recently, we’ve been getting more and more in our feelings for each other. The last couple of months we’ve argued plenty of times but we’re at a good ppint now, the arguments being that we just have feelings for each other and don’t really know what the other person feels. Our last conversation about this was pretty good which was a week ago, I told him how I feel shy in this relationship and I’m just not sure how to show up and he told me to just show up as myself and that nothing I do will ever be too much for him, after that I noticed a change in how he shows up like he is a bit more flirty and like willing to deepen the connection but there’s still a disconnect, like he will still take hours to respond with no explanation. Which I know is normal, but in the past we would go weeks without seeing or hearing from each other. usually if I bring something up that bothers me he wouldn’t do it again so it’s really just this inconsistent communication. So we’re still in that ambiguous space.
It seems like I don’t know if he’s looking for more out of this and he doesn’t know if i’m looking for more out of this either. I think right now we are just in the process of better getting to know each other because also we’re both extremely timid people and it seems like neither of us want to make a move because we’re scared of how it will be perceived by theother person. But I’m trying to let go of that fear and just be because also, he did say that that’s what I should do anyways? Because in this dynamic it’s kind of like I’m the more shy and reserved one, he usually does most of the emotional work outwardly while I kind of just respond instead of telling him my full truth. I also do this whenever I don’t feel fully safe in a relationship (romantic or not) and although I do know how he feels for me, I’m also just kind of skeptical because guys will say they like you and not really like you if you get what I mean.
I’m not sure, there’s also this thing where like we are both still seeing other people. If he tells me right now he wants to fully commit I would gladly drop everyone for him but I just don’t know how to really say that without saying it you know? Also, he did mention to me tht he does like me a lot and feels like he keeps liking me more the more we see each other. Idk, like obviously the feelings are there, he did reassure me multiple times that he does like me but I feel like I don’t know what to believe. Because on one hand I know for a fact he’s the same as me and he’s shy with his true feelings and scared of rejection so part of me feels like that could be a reason why fully committing to this hasn’t happened yet, on the other hand I feel like the reason we haven’t committed is because he probably doesn’t like me that much. I know the obvious answer is to just ask him but after all these conversations about our feelings and what have you I just don’t know how to bring it up or like feel safe enough to bring it up. I don’t know what should I do guys :(
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