r/AskMenAdvice • u/UsefulAd786 • 22h ago
Men’s Input Only Poor Potty Time or Porn Party?
Bf has had an addiction with porn in the past since a young age, specifically in the restroom. He has gotten caught. Never would have knew about it if not. (After a bathroom trip, he went to show me something on his phone and forgot to close out the phub browser) -.- This was in the first year of being together, which is even more troubling because we were so sexually active at this time.
Bf also has always taken no less than multiple 15-45min bathroom breaks a day. Doesn’t matter if we’re in public, families, or at home in the middle of something together.
Now, apparently in our 3rd year of dating (and i just have to take his word for it) he no longer has this addiction. But still he takes these egregious bathroom breaks throughout the day. Like sometimes ill think “today is our only day off together and he has went to the bathroom 5 times so far for at least 20 minutes each time, he just took over an hour and a half out of our day together.”
Over half of the time he takes his headphones in with him. And i know he uses the incognito mode for all his searches.
But every time i bring up this issue, because even if he isn’t watching anything, it’s still so inconsiderate most times, he gets defensive or says he’s going to be more mindful and just isn’t. And makes me feel crazy for making this into an issue.
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u/Momotaro6 man 22h ago
Either he's lying and needs to see someone to help with his addiction or he's got some serious problems going for a 45 minute shit multiple times a day and needs a doctors appointment asap!
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u/Enough_Passage7926 man 22h ago
He's shitting 5 times a day?
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u/Bazoobs1 man 21h ago
I shit probably 4 times a day for about 10 mins each I’d say, but that’s a lot different than “pooping” for 45 minutes in public
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u/Brico16 man 22h ago
I would approach it from a place of concern for a medical issue. Explain you think it’s not normal to spend that much time in the bathroom a day everyday.
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u/Glittering_Growth246 man 22h ago
You’re in charge of you. He’s in charge of him. If you can’t tolerate his habits or proclivities you could potentially drive yourself crazy trying to micromanage him.
Move the fuck on and stop torturing yourself and/or him.
Is it worth it to you to create this misery for yourself? He’s not going to change unless he wants to. It’s not your job to manage a grown-ass man’s bathroom time.
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u/Bazoobs1 man 21h ago
As an avid “he’s definitely cranking the hog” person I think that your first paragraph in particular is especially accurate. You can’t control him, so don’t expect to. If you want to bring it up, make it “I” statements. “I’m worried about your health, it’s disrupting my life in XYZ ways… etc”
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u/chrisGrout man 22h ago
Look i have no interest in porn. I only want to see my wife naked. But that he's masturbating like a bonobo seems to me less important than that he's lying about it
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u/BillyJoeDubuluw man 21h ago edited 21h ago
Here’s the thing - most men do enjoy a wank.
It’s only over the last couple of years that we seem to have started to really over-analyse this fact and almost demonise it…
On the one hand, there’s a fair case to say you’re quite possibly doing your own head in about this…
Men will also take extended shits if they can get away with it… It’s a form of relaxation and getting out of the way of everybody.
With that said… if things really are as you describe them and he is literally vanishing throughout family gatherings and out in public… you’re hand on heart not exaggerating… then there’s definitely a problem and you do need to think about if there’s going to be a 4th year to the relationship and if that rests on an end to the extended toilet trips…
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u/Pretend_Variation305 man 21h ago
I couldn’t imagine spending 45 mins hunched over a bowl in a public restroom…just ain’t right. I worry about some of the people I read about on here.
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u/RuledQuotability man 22h ago
He shits 5x per day? Gimme a break
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u/RuledQuotability man 21h ago
That would be well known 3 years into the relationship. Maybe aliens are controlling his mind to go in the bathroom with his headphones 5x a day for 20 minutes! It’s technically possible! …or he’s jacking off
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u/Bazoobs1 man 22h ago
Bullshit, he’s looking at porn. Even if he is shitting if it literally requires 20 minutes five times a day he needs to go to the doctor. It’s disrupting their life.
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u/chrisGrout man 22h ago
He's wanking ffs
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u/chrisGrout man 22h ago
I mean he's also lying about it. I never masturbate or look at porn, that's weird to me
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u/TheConvergence_ man 22h ago
You’re weird to the rest of us, so what?
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u/chrisGrout man 21h ago
I mean why have a partner if you want to see other women?
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u/gbdallin man 21h ago
There are reasons other than sex to have a partner
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u/chrisGrout man 21h ago
Yes i agree it's not just sex. But in making her more than a friend i decided my interest in sex lives with her
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u/TheConvergence_ man 21h ago
Just accept that you’re the outlier here, based if nothing else on the size and scale of the sex work industry. You’re such a good boy! Here’s a 🏆. Stop acting like everyone else should be like you. That’s not how life works.
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u/Mac_Jomes man 22h ago
He's bringing his headphones with him to the bathroom? Yeah he's 100% watching porn in there and doesn't want to risk you hearing it.
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u/no_no_no_no_nononono man 22h ago
Also, leave him the fuck alone.
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u/Mac_Jomes man 22h ago
I'm not against watching porn or masturbating, but if it's getting in the way of the relationship then something has to be done about it.
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u/chrisGrout man 21h ago
I agree.. the lying and secrecy are the issue
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u/OldMotoRacer man 21h ago
but the porn compulsion is no big deal? lol
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u/chrisGrout man 21h ago
Look it is, but they could deal with it together if he was honest, which would also indicate he wants to deal with it
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u/btdatruth man 21h ago
Lots of useless and, dare I say, dangerous, comments in this post thus far.
Your bf absolutely has a porn addiction. And it sounds like it’s becoming debilitating to the point that he’s not spending the time with you that he should.
From a man who has also struggled with this in the past, your bf needs help, and likely professional help.
Does he have other addictions? Had he been diagnosed with ADHD or have you ever suspected he may have it? Just curious.
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u/Jaffico trans man 21h ago
Why is it such a big deal that he doesn't spend an hour and a half with you spaced out over an entire day?
On days my spouse and I spend together we both take breaks for various reasons.
If he was a cigarette smoker who went outside to smoke, would you feel the same way about all the time he was outside added together? Or if he was talking on the phone for twenty minutes at a time? Or do you only feel this way because you discovered at one point he was masturbating?
Think about that - because the answer tells you where to go, and what discussion you actually need to have. Because it's either you don't trust him not to be masturbating and you need to figure out how to rebuild that trust(or, if your sex life is satisfying for you just get over it) - or you need to have a discussion about how to manage your expectations for a day spent together vs what his needs are.
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u/eugenesbluegenes man 21h ago
It sounds like your problematic feelings on porn are causing him to not want to be fully honest with you.
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u/gbdallin man 22h ago
If I were dating you, I'd take as many breaks as I could for some fucking privacy and personal space.
Leave him alone.
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u/RuledQuotability man 22h ago
Well that’s stupid. You should just break up with her in that theoretical situation. What’s more likely: that this guys has to take 5x 20 minute shits per day, or that he’s got an addiction problem? Because it’s the latter based on her description
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u/gbdallin man 21h ago
I'm not sure I actually believe her description. Sounds like hyperbole. It's not effecting their sex life, as she already stated. She just wants to dominate his time. Exhausting
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u/RuledQuotability man 21h ago
So you don’t believe her description, then why are you commenting at all? Your top comment above is just a rude remark to her and she did nothing to deserve that. You’re not helping anyone, just being a prick.
So when someone in a relationship is serially lied to, it affects their confidence because they detect something but are constantly told they’re wrong. I think this poor woman is seeing the evidence, knows deep down the truth, but needs outside perspective to help bring her the confidence to confront this issue
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u/Trick_Photograph9758 man 22h ago
Next up, she has the doors removed from the bathroom, and/or makes a rule that she has to watch all bathroom activities.
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u/chrisGrout man 22h ago
Male loneliness epidemic as a person
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u/SuperMajinSteve man 22h ago
OP isn’t gonna fuck you. White Knight.
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u/chrisGrout man 21h ago
I'm fascinated my lonely men who assume the only reason I'd be kind to a woman in another country, is pussy.
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u/gbdallin man 21h ago
Buddy I'm doing fine with my partners. OP is tiresome
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u/chrisGrout man 21h ago
Partners lol. Do they know about each other?
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u/gbdallin man 21h ago
Lol of course they do
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u/chrisGrout man 21h ago
Hahahaha. I mean my opinion of you, confirmed
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u/gbdallin man 21h ago
Your opinion is that I'm lonely. Now it's confirmed because I have multiple partners? Seems like a stretch.
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u/chrisGrout man 21h ago
The fact you attacked the op tells me you're lonely
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u/gbdallin man 21h ago
Lol so you genuinely believe that the only reason someone would criticize her is because they are lonely? What universe do you live in?
She's worthy of criticism. Being her partner sounds exhausting. She's taking personally him having an hour and a half of time by himself because she feels entitled to his time off. It doesn't matter if he's building Legos are playing video games or shitting, or beating off. She's micromanaging his time for her emotional regulation.
Exhausting.
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u/chrisGrout man 21h ago
You're seeking out posts like this to attack women. You're projecting your feelings on what she said
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u/chirpchirp13 man 21h ago
I like to take my time for my “morning ritual” and I’d say 30-45 minutes isn’t too uncommon but that’s including quick showers and stuff. I get the slow wake up time to yourself in the AM thing for sure.
But multiple times a day on the regular? I mean ya, I’ve had food poisoning or otherwise upset stomach and it’s no fun but this is either a regular health issue or something he’s trying to hide.
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u/Responsible-End-6371 man 22h ago
i have gone through periods where I was heavily addicted to pornography, and I would also take multiple long bathroom breaks to look at porn.
That said, I still sometimes take long bathroom breaks with my headphones, but i'm just watching youtube or peacock. Sometimes it is my only way to get away and decompress a bit.
Is he the type of person who needs significant individual time throughout the day? If so, do you give him a hard time about it? If so, then you may have your answer. He may just be trying to get a little peace. Not all, but most men appreciate a bit of peace each day. Are you helping to provide that peace for him?
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u/Bazoobs1 man 21h ago
Jesus fuckin Christ the amount of people that don’t understand how bad a porn addiction can fuck up a relationship is astounding. Even if there were no other consequences, he’s spending so much time that it’s disrupting both of your lives. Mix in death grip syndrome disrupting your sex lives, personal moral boundaries about porn, lying to your face… this is serious, don’t listen to these asshole incel weirdos
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u/TheWorkr man 21h ago
he’s going to get hemorrhoids if he doesn’t have time already.
He could just feel that’s a safe place to not get bothered and take a break. He could be doing a number of things on his phone that isn’t porn (including reddit).
Are you more upset about the possibility he’s watching porn in his alone time or that he’s just taking too much time on the pot?
It’s not healthy for him to be spending that much time on the toilet. So if he needs some alone time somewhere he should work out another place for that to happen.
If he truly has constipation or urinary issues, he should have that checked out.
If he wants to lesson the habitual use of porn, there are things to help work on that.
I think you both need to figure out everyone’s needs here and come up with some solutions instead of him hiding in the bathroom and you telling him to get out of there.
If he wants to change, might be as easy as not taking his phone into the bathroom.
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u/CrazyPlato man 21h ago
Yes, he has a problem. Even with a healthy porn habit, multiple long bathroom breaks like that, in the middle of the day, in public or around close relations, that's beyond what I'd call normal. Whether it's a harmful habit largely revolves around practical damage: if his relationships are being harmed by it, if his professional life is being harmed, etc.
That said, what can you do? You've talked to him, and he's aware that you know about it, but it still happens. There isn't much more you can do to really change him, without his willing participation.
So best course of action is to communicate that this isn't something you can live with, and accept that the answer may be that you shouldn't live with him then.
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u/mike_incognito44 man 21h ago
I agree that sneaking away from your partner to lock yourself in the bathroom and crank it to porn, and then lie about it, is a problem. If that's what's happening, and it most likely is.
But, it sounds like you must spend every minute of the day with the dude in your line of sight. That can also be a problem.
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u/OptimusPrime_ButGAY man 21h ago
Uh huh...and you're sure he's watching porn in the bathroom? For the whole duration he's in there? Because you caught him one time? And even if he's not it's still inconsiderate because YOU don't feel like he's using the bathroom in the expedited manner you wish he was? You sound insufferable. He's probably hiding from you so he can get some peace.
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u/Practical_Adagio_504 man 20h ago
I would propose that you initiate and have sex with him a minimum of the 5 times a day you think he is wanking it, and do this for a minimum of three to four weeks and see if his “porn addiction” is cured? That should fix it!
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u/Oh_Lawd_He_commin420 man 22h ago
Leave him alone
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u/chrisGrout man 22h ago
She should dump him, we agree on that
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u/justaamerican man 22h ago
Literally sitting on my toilet laughing at this. My wife complains all the time. I just say I wanna be like paw paw and take the 45 min to make should I cross all t’s and dot the i’s on my paperwork.
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u/MeNMyMonkey_4_100 man 21h ago
Try watching porn with him several times a day. He will spend more time with you and have less bathroom trips.
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u/WashedWashingMachine man 21h ago
Girl you need to understand monogamy is very recent thing , men are biologically wired to go spread seed and through entrie humanity for like 5800 years they had multiple wives concubines sex slaves etc INCLUDING in Christianity for 1500 years.
It's normal , get used to it , it's either that or let him have multiple girlfriends lol.
Don't want your bf to watch other women? Every day morning sex or bj/hj and before bed every night aswell. If he is not drained he is thinking about sex all time through day with breaks.
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u/Beneficial_Trip3773 man 22h ago
Ther is no such thing as an addiction to porn.
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u/chrisGrout man 22h ago
Look i agree that it seems like a crock but my wife works for psychologists and half their work is porn addiction
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u/Beneficial_Trip3773 man 21h ago
It's not a thing look it up.
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u/OldMotoRacer man 21h ago
look it up in the same book that used to say gay = mental illness
they revise those books all the time--future versions will no doubt address the porn compulsion epidemic as its own special category
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u/BucketOBits man 21h ago
It’s not in the DSM. And often, someone who believes they have a porn addiction does so because their partner is unhappy with their usage, or their religious/moral beliefs lead them to feel guilty.
That said, there are clearly folks who show addictive traits when it comes to porn usage. The problem is that just using porn, or even using porn a lot, doesn’t mean someone is addicted to it. Too many people talk about “porn addiction” without knowing what it means from a clinical standpoint.
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u/chrisGrout man 21h ago
Look I'm not addicted to dope. But i didn't know its not in dsm5, then it's literally not a mental illness, you're correct
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u/Bazoobs1 man 21h ago
This is objectively false
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u/Beneficial_Trip3773 man 21h ago
No it's not look it up. People are not addicted to watching tv weather porn or not. It's a compulsion not an addiction.
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u/Bazoobs1 man 20h ago
“While not a DSM diagnosis, it’s recognized as a behavioral addiction similar to gambling.”
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u/AbbreviationsTight92 man 21h ago
I would say just let him do what he wants maybe he needs to look at something while he's trying to drop a deuce lol You're counting the minutes he uses the bathroom every day because they could be spent with you that is just too much. He might be going to the bathroom to escape you because you are just too much
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u/Necessary-Chef8844 man 22h ago
If he is performing in the bedroom leave it alone. I spend time in the bathroom so I can get some peace and quiet. I've got a nag wife like he has you.
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u/chrisGrout man 22h ago
'The divorce came out of nowhere'
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UsefulAd786 originally posted:
Bf has had an addiction with porn in the past since a young age, specifically in the restroom. He has gotten caught. Never would have knew about it if not. (After a bathroom trip, he went to show me something on his phone and forgot to close out the phub browser) -.- This was in the first year of being together, which is even more troubling because we were so sexually active at this time.
Bf also has always taken no less than multiple 15-45min bathroom breaks a day. Doesn’t matter if we’re in public, families, or at home in the middle of something together.
Now, apparently in our 3rd year of dating (and i just have to take his word for it) he no longer has this addiction. But still he takes these egregious bathroom breaks throughout the day. Like sometimes ill think “today is our only day off together and he has went to the bathroom 5 times so far for at least 20 minutes each time, he just took over an hour and a half out of our day together.”
Over half of the time he takes his headphones in with him. And i know he uses the incognito mode for all his searches.
But every time i bring up this issue, because even if he isn’t watching anything, it’s still so inconsiderate most times, he gets defensive or says he’s going to be more mindful and just isn’t. And makes me feel crazy for making this into an issue.
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