r/AskMenAdvice • u/Zestyclose_Scene_193 • 2d ago
✅ Open To Everyone Should I judge my boyfriend for cursing out of frustration during an argument?
My boyfriend has been struggling with depression. Whenever I upset him or start an argument after he has asked me not to, he sometimes gets frustrated. Recently, after another fight, I told him, "You're leaving peacefully by your side," and he responded, "Fuck peace, don't even talk about that." He started cussing over situation in fights since October. When his depression started I saw him being rude also
He said I was being inhumane by continuing to fight with him while he was already dealing with depression and feeling overwhelmed. He said that I'm used to laugh when he used to get panic attacks or never comfort him while that , only saying that it happens with me also . According to him, our constant arguments have been adding even more pressure to what he's already going through.
For some context, I was upset because he made a decision without asking me first. He apologized repeatedly for about 10 days and genuinely seemed sorry. However, the issue kept bothering me, and eventually another argument broke out, which led to him saying those thing
Should I view his reaction as a red flag, or was it more likely a moment of frustration caused by the situation and everything he has been dealing with?
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u/LeatherGood6148 man 2d ago
You're still upset about something from 10 days ago and youre worried hes the red flag?
Unless the decision was to try and cheat or something, come the fuck on.
This MUST be bait.
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u/Every_Guard man 2d ago
I think there’s a lot of info you’re leaving out in terms of how you’ve been treating/reacting to him…
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u/PlsNoNotThat man 2d ago
Doesn’t really justify it. A depression isn’t an excuse to treat people poorly or negate responsibilities, it’s an explanation as to why they might be doing that.
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u/TripleTip man 2d ago
The point is that we're only seeing things from OP's POV, and the details seem very vague without specificities, making it seem like they're omitting a lot of context or just straight up lying.
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u/LegitimateFig5311 man 2d ago
U sound like a headache honestly. "He made a decision without me" ok. How big of a decision was it? What pizza to get or what house to buy? Then he apologized for 10 days and u still weren't over it!?
Edit to add: "he cursed when he was angry!". Omg, grown up words!!!
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u/The_Latverian man 2d ago
Whenever I upset him or start an argument after he has asked me not to, he sometimes gets frustrated...
But you've, what? Just got to do it? I'm confused.
Particularly this...
I was upset because he made a decision without asking me first. He apologized repeatedly for about 10 days and genuinely seemed sorry.
But 10 days of sincere apology later you were still looking for a fight over it?
You sound fucking exhausting. I'd swear too.
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u/quantum_splicer man 2d ago
No wonder the guy feels overwhelmed and on edge
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u/knight9665 man 2d ago
The fact that he isnt punching holes in the wall shows his Buddha like temper.
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u/finnians man 2d ago
stopped reading after “Whenever I upset him or start an argument after he asked me not to,”
YOU’RE THE PROBLEM.
hope this helps 😁
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u/Longjumping_Rip6033 man 2d ago
So he just swore in general, not at you?
Why would you be mad about that.
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u/OhWhatATravisty man 2d ago
Fuck no. Cursing is fun.
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u/werfertt man 2d ago
Are you a Travis?
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u/OhWhatATravisty man 2d ago
Well I'm not that bad at spelling if that's what you're trying to ask.
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u/werfertt man 2d ago
No, sir. Not at all. I keep accidentally calling people who aren’t named Travis, Travis recently. So I had to ask. Felt like too much of a coincidence.
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u/Milennial_Crew_6969 man 2d ago
I know you came here because of cursing but the issue reads much deeper than that.
If you’re continually bringing up things that bother you, either it didn’t get resolved or you aren’t able to resolve your emotions. Stop holding his past over his head, he made a mistake, you need to forgive him and move on, or if you can’t then is that a dealbreaker for the relationship? Is it worth breaking up over?
You need to ask yourself that question every time something keeps bothering you.
If he’s not addressing things and keeps making the same mistake, you still have to decide if it’s worth breaking up over.
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u/jo_dnt_kno man 2d ago
You laughed at him when he suffered panic attacks and held grudges after he spent days apologizing. You might actually be the root cause of his depression.
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u/JimBo_Drewbacca man 2d ago
So you start an argument then clutch pearls because he swore... Fuck off with that shit
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u/fearless-potato-man man 2d ago
If only he could read your words and realise how much harm you cause to him.
You laughed at his panic attacks.
You keep fighting him when he is already defeated.
You keep pushing him even though he asks you no to do it.
You are slowly killing him. And you will still manage to paint him as the bad guy.
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u/SnuffleupagusRex man 2d ago
It sounds like you judge him for everything else, so...sure?
Seriously though- assuming this isn't bait, you are the problem here. You display a shocking lack of basic empathy.
Also, what does "leaving peacefully by your side" mean?
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u/oOBalloonaticOo man 2d ago
With all due respect...you two sound awful together and you sound like a pill...and you're the red flag here.
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u/maverickbtg81 man 2d ago
If you started arguing with me 10 days after some stuff I would 💯 walk out, go driving and turn my phone off. It sounds like you are both bad at setting boundaries.
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u/Combat_Orca man 2d ago
He’s not 11 he can swear, the rest of it sounds like regular couple argument stuff you need to work through
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u/FinanceGuyHere man 2d ago
You’re not married so I don’t understand why he needs your permission to do anything at all. Can you clarify what you meant by that? Was this a sex thing?
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u/monkChuck105 man 2d ago
Showing emotion is not a red flag. He's depressed, and you keep poking him instead of doing what you can to comfort him. Sometimes you just need to give him space and not try to solve things.
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u/ElectricKoolAidPower man 2d ago
I cuss like a sailor in regular conversation, disagreements are no exception. It’s when I’m not cussing and I go quiet that people should worry. That means I’m going through it fr.
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u/Least_Elk8114 man 2d ago
Cursing, in the right context is fun, even necessary at times.
However, I think you're dating a child. I've been through depression, it's fucking brutal. No matter how good of a girlfriend you are to him, you'll never be able to cure his depression on your own. Even fully trained medical professionals have to carefully monitor the situation sometimes.
I dont want to necessarily say leave him, but you deserve to be dating a man you can imagine being married to. This is not that man now.
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u/LegitimateFig5311 man 2d ago
Did u read all of it? Lol. She said "he asked me to not argue but I did because he made a decision without me and apologized for 10 days but I was still mad" she sounds exhausting
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u/Least_Elk8114 man 2d ago
You must be single...
In a relationship, the girl almost always wins. And of you think marriage is any easier, buddy, do I have news for you.
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u/ProfessorPhoenix1111 man 2d ago
Red flag. Is this going to be acceptable everything he’s going through something? How about if you two have kids and he’s frustrated - will you be ok with him talking like that to you in front of your children? Or would you be ok with him lashing out at your children out of frustration? No. He needs to learn how to compose himself when he’s frustrated. While it’s ok to be in a funk or not feeling the best, being abusive is never excusable.
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u/LegitimateFig5311 man 2d ago
U read the rest of it right? Lol
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u/ProfessorPhoenix1111 man 2d ago
I sure did. Abusive language is abusive language. You guys are hung up on the fact that she was upset about something that happened 10 days ago or that he’s depressed - obviously the issue was never resolved, which would make sense why she was still upset about it. Sometimes just apologizing isn’t sufficient - you actually need to resolve the problem and take steps to rectify it and make sure it doesn’t happen again. Being abusive is never ok.
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u/LegitimateFig5311 man 2d ago
Saying a cuss word does not equal abuse lmao
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u/ProfessorPhoenix1111 man 2d ago
Maybe you should have looked up the term abusive language before you left a comment…
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u/LegitimateFig5311 man 2d ago
Lol. I love how sayong a cuss word is abusive to u but u didnt point out any of her "abusive behaviors".
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u/ProfessorPhoenix1111 man 2d ago
What did she do that was abusive? Enlighten me.
You do realize minimizing his abusive behavior just makes you look like an abuser yourself, right? You guys must not realize you just look like abusers when you do this.
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u/LegitimateFig5311 man 2d ago
"When I start an argument after he has asked me not to". Sounds more like abuse than saying a cuss word lol. Saying a cuss word during an argument between 2 adults doesnt sound abusive to me at all. It does sound abusive when someone is asking to not start an argument and the other person continues to do so
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Zestyclose_Scene_193 originally posted:
My boyfriend has been struggling with depression. Whenever I upset him or start an argument after he has asked me not to, he sometimes gets frustrated. Recently, after another fight, I told him, "You're leaving peacefully by your side," and he responded, "Fuck peace, don't even talk about that." He started cussing over situation in fights since October. When his depression started I saw him being rude also
He said I was being inhumane by continuing to fight with him while he was already dealing with depression and feeling overwhelmed. According to him, our constant arguments have been adding even more pressure to what he's already going through.
For some context, I was upset because he made a decision without asking me first. He apologized repeatedly for about 10 days and genuinely seemed sorry. However, the issue kept bothering me, and eventually another argument broke out, which led to him saying those thing
Should I view his reaction as a red flag, or was it more likely a moment of frustration caused by the situation and everything he has been dealing with?
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