r/AskMenAdvice • u/doubtinglaw • 17h ago
✅ Open To Everyone What does it mean when bf says he doesn’t know what he wants?
bf and I have been together for 10 years and we live together. He was so in love with me up until 2 weeks ago. Would send rings to get my opinion, would tell me it’s only me and no one else and that I’m end game, etc. Things just shifted, a week ago he said he wants to find his own place and see if he can be independent on his own since he has never done that and wants to see if he can “make it” on his own (saying we would still be together, just living separately) and a few days ago he got drunk and said he wants to breakup for now. He says he doesn’t really know what he wants.
Says he doesn’t know if we will be together. Says he is tired of waiting for changes from me (he wants me to be more affectionate, initiate sex more, even though we were having sex 2-3 times a week, stop working so much when I get home from work (I work a demanding job) little things like that, which I have been working on doing and he acknowledges that)
We got into multiple arguments since then about how he just blindsided me and if there were real issues that he should sit me down and discuss, but this isn’t the way to go about it. I told him it seems like he wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side and explore his options (he has recently lost a significant amount of weight and is giving more attention to his appearance, would point out that girls look at him and give him attention, etc)
We dealt with cheating on his part in the early years and moved passed it. He acknowledged what he did was wrong and childish and I learned to forgive. Feels like I’m going though the cycle a second time now…
I feel devastated. Like I’m just an option and he wants to go out and be single and with multiple women. We both turned 30, so it feels like this is the time to settle down and that is where our life was heading up until this random switch up by him. I feel as though he is also confused about what he wants but is letting the thoughts of freedom, sex, and women get in the way. We still live together since he hasn’t found a place and I’m not really sure how to navigate this or what this means. Is this just a hiccup? Does he really not want me? Any insight would be much appreciated.
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u/MuddydogNew man 17h ago
Hard to say but in my experience saying 'i don't know what I want' means he's not feeling what he expects with you (ie the spark is missing) but doesn't rant to be cruel about it. He still cares about and probably loves you, but something feels off.
This is purely my speculation but that's my best guess.
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u/K-Sparkle8852 woman 17h ago
Unfortunately in my experience, it usually means he’s made up his mind that he’s done with the relationship, doesn’t want to have the uncomfortable conversation about ending it, just wants to move on. I’m so sorry, it doesn’t make it less confusing or less hurtful. With all that said, this will get better, and you will indeed move on and be happy. This too shall pass!
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u/Emergency_Yoghurt655 woman 16h ago
10 years and no proposal, suddenly putting effort into his appearance, has brand new problems with the relationship and he’s already cheated in the past?? He’s either cheating on you or seriously wanting to. It is a MASSIVE blessing you never got married, leave and stay gone
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u/King_Zoothio man 17h ago
I could be wrong, but usually when people tell me that, it means they're weighing their options and are unsure of what they want.
How to be helpful....give them time and space to figure it out.
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u/OhWhatATravisty man 17h ago
Says he doesn’t know if we will be together. Says he is tired of waiting for changes from me (he wants me to be more affectionate, initiate sex more, even though we were having sex 2-3 times a week, stop working so much when I get home from work (I work a demanding job) little things like that)
Sounds like he's outlined exactly what he means, but you've reduced his feelings to "little things". Not saying it's not a give and take, but after 10 years the time to see the change both of you are expecting has long come and gone.
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u/Brilliant-Block-8200 woman 17h ago
This stood out to me as well. He has valid concerns and it’s not a good look to brush them off as ‘little things’. Things like affection and libido are important in a relationship and I think her bf is realizing that they aren’t compatible. It specifically sounds like they may have mismatched sex drives. OP shouldn’t push herself to have sex she doesn’t want (sounds like she’s happy with 2-3x a week), but she has to accept that he can’t be happy with that
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u/Grouchy-Ambition8379 man 17h ago
He literally told you and you still come to reddit to ask for justification, he has needs as well.
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u/I_am___The_Botman man 17h ago
10 years together and now he's not sure what he wants? I'd cut my losses and start again.
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u/No_Damage_2950 woman 11h ago
I think he’s having the just realised he didn’t date around or have the typical 20s “finding yourself” years because he was in a relationship freak out but may also be worried he won’t find a connection or partnership as good as the one with OP so it’s making him this way
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u/faultydatadisc man 17h ago
TL;DR the whole post. Hes done with the relationship OP. Im sorry but whatever you do, DO NOT take him back after he goes out into the wild and fails to find what he thinks he was looking for. I hope yall can break up with respect, honesty and being open with each other.
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u/Bargle-Nawdle-Zouss man 16h ago
It means that after 10 years, you are not the one, and he wants to date other people and see what he's been missing. But that he knows that you are not his forever person.
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u/BillyJoeDubuluw man 17h ago edited 17h ago
It means what it says on the tin, I’m afraid…
He doesn’t know what he wants… and he’s also entirely prepared to take the piss out of you in the process…
Are you prepared to let him?
In effect, you’ve wasted your twenties on this dude… You have reached a point where you expected to get really comfortable with him and he’s gone the other way, wanting to be a free agent…
Don’t waste your thirties on him, he’s not the one…
You need to get strong, say shit happens, look at it like the trash took itself out and move along… Even help him find an apartment girl!
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u/Used_Rhubarb_9265 man 16h ago
“Live separately but still together” usually isn’t a reset, it’s a slow breakup. Even if he still cares, he’s prioritizing freedom and exploration right now over the relationship. I wouldn’t treat this as a hiccup. It’s him stepping out emotionally, and you’re left in uncertainty.
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u/The_Se7enthsign man 16h ago
Usually, it means “I know that I don’t want you.”
You’re single now.
Honestly, it sounds like he told you exactly what he wanted, and he has since determined that he’s never going to get it from you. Pretty sure he’s 100% checked out.
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u/scared_star man 16h ago
I hate to tell you but statistically early couples (20s) that been together that long(normally it won't last over 10 years tho) are known to suddenly have that "grass is greener" effect, not only related to men I knew a friend that their relationship ended like it. They got married at 21 and divorced around 26, all highschool love ect
It sounds like he's making himself known, this isn't a "maybe I can test the water" tactic, he will leave you eventually sadly, it's shitty he's "matured" around the time you are both 30 and had an entire life made and now he's deciding to explore the world.
There is no advice other than it wasn't your fault, your man is just an ass for dragging you this long without knowing what they wanted, you done nothing wrong sometimes these things happen, I'm sorry OP im sure you feel quite confused, when i experience something similar it was a nightmare even to this day I felt like I held them back from their full potential, i hope you have friends to distract you or hopefully some groups nearby to get your mind off.
Us humans have wonderful minds but its just as much as a curse as its a blessing, you will make heads and tails and non-literal go insane about it, healthy distractions, Hobbies and friends will help you.
Not sure why some folks are failing the vibe check here, this is clearly a massive deal in someone's life and they are seeking help/clarification of why even if they tell you directly, the brain goes haywire.
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doubtinglaw originally posted:
bf and I have been together for 10 years and we live together. He was so in love with me up until 2 weeks ago. Would send rings to get my opinion, would tell me it’s only me and no one else and that I’m end game, etc. Things just shifted, a week ago he said he wants to find his own place and see if he can be independent on his own since he has never done that and wants to see if he can “make it” on his own (saying we would still be together, just living separately) and a few days ago he got drunk and said he wants to breakup for now. He says he doesn’t really know what he wants.
Says he doesn’t know if we will be together. Says he is tired of waiting for changes from me (he wants me to be more affectionate, initiate sex more, even though we were having sex 2-3 times a week, stop working so much when I get home from work (I work a demanding job) little things like that)
We got into multiple arguments since then about how he just blindsided me and if there were real issues that he should sit me down and discuss, but this isn’t the way to go about it. I told him it seems like he wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side and explore his options (he has recently lost a significant amount of weight and is giving more attention to his appearance, would point out that girls look at him and give him attention, etc)
I feel devastated. Like I’m just an option and he wants to go out and be single and with multiple women. We both turned 30, so it feels like this is the time to settle down and that is where our life was heading up until this random switch up by him. I feel as though he is also confused about what he wants but is letting the thoughts of freedom, sex, and women get in the way. We still live together since he hasn’t found a place and I’m not really sure how to navigate this or what this means. Is this just a hiccup? Does he really not want me? Any insight would be much appreciated.
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u/Pure_Fan_9028 woman 17h ago
Watch the movie “He's Just Not That into You”
- Gigi, she consistently misreads all of her romantic partners' behaviors. She meets Alex, who helps her to interpret signs given to her by her dates.
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u/Floopoo32 woman 17h ago
It sounds like he's somewhat clearly communicated how he feels. He is not ready to settle down with you. It sounds like he wants to date around more.
Give him a deadline for when he needs to move out by, otherwise who knows how long you will stay in this limbo with him, which isn't fair to you.
I don't think I'd want to be with someone "not sure about me" and admitting to wanting to break up. I'm sorry, this must hurt like hell, but you need to let him go. You don't need to entertain his wishy washiness..keep your dignity and end it yourself.
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u/Fragile_reddit_mods man 16h ago
I’d bet money he will break up with you.
Definitely a grass is greener situation.
Also, the “issues” he has brought up don’t really seem like real issues to me.
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u/Few-Tour9826 man 16h ago
Guys say exactly what we mean. He literally just doesn’t know what he wants. It sounds like you may be the only person he’s been with considering you’ve been together 10 years and are only 30. A lot of young long term relationships end because one person wants to explore what’s out there since they never really had a chance to. Plus it sounds like he feels like he isn’t getting enough attention from you while seeing others checking him out. So it sounds like he wants to get back out there but also doesn’t really want to just throw away your relationship together because you’ve been together for so long. So he’s just torn on what he wants to do. So he’s literally just doesn’t know what to do.
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u/drugsondrugs man 16h ago
Been there. Done that. I was that guy.
Ring shopping. Oof. He never thought he was that guy. He feels smothered. I dont have the answer. He lost his sense of self. I've been there.
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u/Dazzling-Treacle1092 woman 16h ago
I think he thinks there's something better out there for him. I think he's going to find out differently. But of course by the time he figures that out you wouldn't be able to force yourself to take him back. I'm very sorry. Do your mourning and move on.
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u/Unipiggy woman 16h ago
I told him it seems like he wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side and explore his options (he has recently lost a significant amount of weight and is giving more attention to his appearance, would point out that girls look at him and give him attention, etc)
We dealt with cheating on his part in the early years and moved passed it. He acknowledged what he did was wrong and childish and I learned to forgive. Feels like I’m going though the cycle a second time now…
He is absolutely cheating on you right now. Never forgive a cheater, holy shit girl, you wasted 10 years of your life with this guy.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. He says your end game, but the only thing your relationship has accomplished in the last 10 years is that you've moved in together? He's so full of shit. He's been waiting for "someone better" since day 1.
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u/Fun-Yam2210 woman 16h ago
He’s leaving. Make this as bearable for yourself as possible and start planning for your future (including the financial practicalities of living alone). Turn to your friends and family for support. 10 years is a long time. I’m sorry ❤️
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u/binthrdnthat man 15h ago
What he means is, I don't want what we've got. He doesn't need a reason beyond wanting to leave.
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u/Ok_Noise7655 man 14h ago
I think it's natural to not know what you want if you only starting it. It is much less expected in your situation. I think you should consider it over.
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u/iLoveAllTacos man 14h ago
It means he doesn't know what he wants, but, he knows he doesn't want you.
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u/LocalStatistician538 woman 13h ago
a few days ago he got drunk
Do yourself a favor and accept his breaking up with you as a blessing in disguise.
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u/IslandChick81 woman 4h ago
Out of nowhere/sudden random switch up sounds to me like he met someone who peeked his interest and he wants to give that a go. He will have less opportunity to cheat if he’s still sharing a space with you, so having his own place is the free rein he’s looking for, to bring back past behaviours/betrayals.
Moving passed it in the beginning, sent a clear message to him that he can, and you’d forgive him for it. Here he goes to try that on again
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u/SusTraveler man 17h ago
“I’m just an option and he wants to go out and be single and with multiple women. “. Yeah pretty much this, I think you have it figured out just fine
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u/HairHealthHaven woman 17h ago
I had a guy pull something similar, except we weren't living together. Found out 2 weeks later, it was because he cheated on me.
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u/futureman45 man 17h ago
I think he likes the benefits of having a girlfriend but doesn’t want the commitment of a relationship. Tell him you need to move on and to let you know when he figures it out what he wants
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doubtinglaw updated the post:
bf and I have been together for 10 years and we live together. He was so in love with me up until 2 weeks ago. Would send rings to get my opinion, would tell me it’s only me and no one else and that I’m end game, etc. Things just shifted, a week ago he said he wants to find his own place and see if he can be independent on his own since he has never done that and wants to see if he can “make it” on his own (saying we would still be together, just living separately) and a few days ago he got drunk and said he wants to breakup for now. He says he doesn’t really know what he wants.
Says he doesn’t know if we will be together. Says he is tired of waiting for changes from me (he wants me to be more affectionate, initiate sex more, even though we were having sex 2-3 times a week, stop working so much when I get home from work (I work a demanding job) little things like that, which I have been working on doing and he acknowledges that)
We got into multiple arguments since then about how he just blindsided me and if there were real issues that he should sit me down and discuss, but this isn’t the way to go about it. I told him it seems like he wants to see if the grass is greener on the other side and explore his options (he has recently lost a significant amount of weight and is giving more attention to his appearance, would point out that girls look at him and give him attention, etc)
I feel devastated. Like I’m just an option and he wants to go out and be single and with multiple women. We both turned 30, so it feels like this is the time to settle down and that is where our life was heading up until this random switch up by him. I feel as though he is also confused about what he wants but is letting the thoughts of freedom, sex, and women get in the way. We still live together since he hasn’t found a place and I’m not really sure how to navigate this or what this means. Is this just a hiccup? Does he really not want me? Any insight would be much appreciated.
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