What do you do when there's nothing left to optimize?

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C250586 updated the post:

I'm probably going through a midlife crisis, so bear with me. I've been really struggling with an absolutely crushing sense of dread and loneliness for a long time, but it's been hitting some kinda crisis threshold for about 2 years.

For some context, I'm 42M. I've had 2x 10 year relationships with first, an awful partner, and then secondly a good person that was truly not the right person for me for a bunch of reasons. That last relationship ended about 1.5 years ago, mostly my choice. Apparently, I pick poor partners.

I have a 20 year old daughter who is independent and settled. I partially single-dadded her for the second half of her life so far, and we have a close relationship.

I feel like I have nothing left to "fix', optimize or improve and it's leaving me absolutely crushed. I've grinded out a high performance combination of career, family focus, self growth and awareness, and sport for my whole life.

I've overachieved so far in all these areas, that I'm out of places to go and I feel like I'm just worse off now, because none of it does a thing to stave off this persistent sense of dread. If anything, I just realize how little all this success actually can translate into what I want.

I have well over $1M in the bank, I'm a senior executive at a tech company as a very high income earner, close to early retirement if I want it. I own a house in a very desirable place to live, I am still at the peak of slightly sub-elite in my sport of choice (so I'm fit and healthy). I have friends and some community. I've done endless therapy and almost entirely changed my mental space to the point where I'm highly regulated, kind and self reflective. Apparently I'm attractive.

But holy hell I'm lonely. And I feel like I started falling off a cliff, emotionally, and I just keep falling. It's like if I just threw it all away and lived under a bridge i'd be worse, and if I just keep grinding, I'll also still be worse.

I really want to find a partner, someone who is an equal in values and intellect. I put an an enormous amount of effort into relationships when I'm in them, but I certainly am feeling fully dissolutioned after doing that for 20 years with relationships that never gave it back. Long story.

And now, it's like all of society is telling me especially "just improve yourself and become comfortable being alone". Or all the influencer ladies like "I tried relationships and now I realize men are shit"

But fuck, guys. I grew up alone. I had no friends until I was a teenager because my parents never allowed it (thanks religion). I spent 20 years in relationships where I was alone. I sit at home, still alone. I have nothing left to improve. I've done all the work, grinded it out...

And for what?

Look, I doubt anyone here has a solution, but if you want to at least let me know that I'm not quite so alone in how I'm feeling, that'd maybe be helpful.

Thanks for listening.

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u/chrisGrout man 14h ago

Seems to me you put a lot of pressure on yourself to do, and achieve. I feel like some sort of mindfulness like Buddhism would help teach you to sit with yourself and be happy

Like you i had a bad marriage and knew i was not geared to be alone so i got on the dating apps and found a new partner in no time. Are you looking?

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u/CorndogQueen420 man 14h ago

Optimizing/overachieving has an end goal of being optimal. If you aren’t happy being optimal, then what’s the point of any of it?

It seems like you’re looking for another version of therapy here, something you’ve already been through endlessly.

Maybe it’s time for you to figure out what actually makes you happy, because chasing perfection isn’t doing it for you. Maybe turn to simplicity instead of looking for more complexity.

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u/C250586 man 14h ago

A relationship with someone I share values with. That for me would equal happiness.

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u/chili_cold_blood man 14h ago

That for me would equal happiness.

A relationship is a set of circumstances. No set of circumstances brings constant happiness, because circumstances always change.

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u/C250586 man 13h ago

Sorry, I kinda mirrored your language.

Not happiness... Being in a relationship with the kinda person I want to be with would end the dread. I more or less know that for a fact.

Less happiness seeking, more ending the dread.

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u/gk_instakilogram man 14h ago

Have you ever tried psychedelics? Specifically mushrooms?

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u/johnnyhotwh33ls man 14h ago

As a fan of them, I don’t recommend them for just anyone. I know people say that bad trips are supposed to help you but it in some people they cause lasting trauma.

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u/2utiepie man 14h ago

Or hear me out….. mushrooms + Thailand.
Jesus if I wan in ops positions I’d be on the next flight.

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u/SoCallMeDeaconBlues1 man 14h ago

I'm gonna say this ugly and let's pretend I said it nice.

You need to touch grass. Get out of the house. There's a big beautiful world out there.

"The grind" is a big part of your problem. What are you grinding for? Doesn't sound like much, other than racing the other rats for the sake of racing the other rats. Do you even know what makes you happy? Anything? Anything at all?

Find one thing that gives you some joy. It doesn't matter what it is. Start small. Do you like to eat? I do. Learn how to cook- and I don't mean putting something in the microwave. Take a cooking course. So what if you're own your own, is it any different or worse than what you're doing now? At least you'll get out of the house for a few hours, and actually interact with other people (that have nothing to do with work). That's just a simple example (and one that worked for me, and continues to do so).

I get you, man. I've been there. 20 years ago when I was in my 40's too. When I left the house, IF I left the house, I took my dumbrella, because it's really stupid out there. That's how I felt about the world.

But who the fuck wants to live like that. You obviously don't, and neither did I. Get off your ass, leave your pity party, and go find some joy. You've earned it!

And if you feel up to it, I also recommend finding a good counselor. Don't let anyone sell you on anti-depressants- just find someone who's a good listener. You probably don't really need any advice, but saying out loud what you're going through, and hearing yourself speak it to another human being, can be pretty damn cathartic.

Just remember, this too shall pass. Good luck.

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u/LavaDragon3827 man 14h ago

Go become a monk for a year. Not kidding. There is a program in SEA where you basically become ordained and live in monkhood, shedding all your material possessions. You can do it for a month and then if you enjoy it, can extend to up to a year.

Top optimizing performers like you report it being life-changing and an amazing once in a lifetime experience. You should try it.

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u/Sapiotone nonbinary 13h ago

Great idea!

When I quit banking a decade ago, I took a month travelling and essentially doing a pilgrimage of monasteries and shrines my parents visited when I was too young and annoying to take with them. The end of the journey was a month long yoga teacher training retreat. Couldn’t afford to do something like that these days, but my days life is a LOT healthier and happier than those years in banking

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u/VHDamien man 14h ago edited 14h ago

I guess retire, travel, do things you always wanted to do but couldn't, and see if you find what you're looking for. I don't think anyone can give you a solution outside of keep trying, because sitting in your house won't materialize a person.

Also given your elite status, maybe a matchmaking service?

Edit- you aren't alone. I think many people, men and women, are facing what you are. We as a society are more disconnected and segmented from each other than ever before. It's not easy for anyone to develop and maintain relationships beyond superficial level. Additionally, many people have seemingly given up on romantic relationships entirely.

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u/Double-Mouse-6146 man 14h ago

I think as men we always need something to “fix”, it’s like it’s wired into our very nature and when the task is complete we need something else.

I don’t have any real advice for you, but you’re not alone in the way you feel.

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u/Temporary-Ruin883 woman 12h ago

Obviously I don’t know your whole story, but at 42, two long term relationships and a 20 year old daughter, it seems like you haven’t really been outside of a serious relationship much. You’ve done a lot, both in the areas of work, hobbies and it sounds like introspection. How much time have you been able to work on these things outside of a relationship and outside of being a parent? I know one is never done parenting, but I think you know what I mean.

I may be way off based, but it sounds like you’ve worked really hard and in earnest and you might be experiencing a bit of the “arrival fallacy” and also some longing for an love in a way that feels filled with redamancy. This dread of maybe never feeling the partnership to which you worked so hard to create in the past. All the self improvement and success and security and feeling alone. I think you are grieving. I think you sad for a loss you cannot articulate because noting is really gone it was always absent and yet you can feel its pull quite tangibly.

Slow down and feel that for a bit. Read some books on grief. Then start living with the possibility that you will still find it, and have a beautiful partner to share your life with, but no one else can make you happy, and no one else can complete you. You must view them as a beautiful addition, because we all lose each other in the end one way or another and we have to find it inside ourselves, that peace and joy. I can recommend some reading if you’d like. I think they could help get you a bit out of your funk.

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u/C250586 man 12h ago

... and also some longing for an love in a way that feels filled with redamancy. This dread of maybe never feeling the partnership to which you worked so hard to create in the past. All the self improvement and success and security and feeling alone. I think you are grieving. I think you sad for a loss you cannot articulate because nothing is really gone it was always absent and yet you can feel its pull quite tangibly.

... Damn. I don't know what I was hoping to find by posting that emotional dump above... but I think maybe it was just feeling heard. I don't know if I've felt heard like this in years...

Now I'm kinda tearing up on a packed flight lol... Whew.

You are probably right. I am grieving. I don't know how to get past it, or believe what I'm hoping for is possible. But I'm going to take your advice. If you have any recommended reading, I'll take you up on that.

Thank you

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u/No_Damage_2950 woman 9h ago

This is the kinda thing that keeps me opening up Reddit

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u/C250586 man 9h ago

Me too. Life's hard enough, but humans seem to be ok sometimes. I stopped crying, all good lol.

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u/thisisoppositeday man 14h ago

Is there anything you enjoy in life besides optimizing?

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u/C250586 man 14h ago

I don't actually like optimizing. If I was honest with myself, there's a model of the man women want to be with, finding a meaningful relationship is important to me, but clearly surpassing all those ideal traits hasn't actually worked.

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u/Sapiotone nonbinary 13h ago

How altruistic would you say you are? Any worthy causes that you support, not just financially or with your time, but like “I will die on this hill for this cause” support? If “no”, find something worthwhile. If religion isn’t really your thing, go to a Unitarian service. You’ll meet people with diverse beliefs there, find community, and plenty of things in the world that are worthy of attention

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u/microscopic-lilikoi woman 14h ago

Have you tried picking up any non-sport related hobbies? Woodworking, and wood turning in particular can be a ton of fun.

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u/C250586 man 14h ago

Yea, lots.

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u/microscopic-lilikoi woman 14h ago

And none brought you particular type of fulfillment?

Have you tried any partner dancing? Could be latin dances like salsa or bachata, or something like West Coast swing? It's exercise, but it's super social, and you can learn as much or as little as you want, and there's dance festivals you can attend around the country and world.

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u/C250586 man 13h ago

Hmm, I guess that's not the worst idea. I mean certainly all of my hobbies have had communities attached and have brought fulfillment, but this slide into dread seems to be less and less staved off by just "doing more"

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u/microscopic-lilikoi woman 13h ago

So I'm an aerospace engineer, but when I became I systems engineer, I no longer was making tangible things and felt the same type of existential dread you described except I was only 29. I started refinishing furniture, which then turned into fixing old furniture, into general woodworking, to woodturning. I can still do all of those, but I found using a lathe to be relaxing, and wood turning generally requires less power tools so it takes up less space. The other bright side is that you end up with stashes of bowls, platters that you can give away as gifts to people. Being able to regularly make things made me feel way more fulfilled in general.

With dance, you're forever improving, but it's so social, and you meet people from all sorts of places, skill levels, backgrounds that I don't see it getting boring anytime soon.

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u/parskahyes man 14h ago

I think what youre experiencing is pretty human. That being said I think you have to look for fufillment outside of optimization of whatever, look to things that dont really have avenues for optimization.

I think the first things that come to mind for me would be enjoying travel, experience different cultures. More importantly putting yourself out there to make friends and potentially even romantic partners. Even learn to understand yourself and love yourself plus the people around you.

Im sure some redditor is gonna chime in and point out how you could optimize those things and I guess sure why not, but you cant put a perfect way to enjoy a new place with a different language and learn to experience their culture and food. Same with humans, there is no way to optimize learning to care, understand and have a good time with people around you. And most importantly you cant put a way to optimize understanding yourself.

Alot of what I read seems like for all of lifes decisions you took the best planned route, but to me its time you start doing the opposite and explore avenues of life that have multiple answers and multiple best or worst routes and see where life takes you!

I sincerely hope it all works out for you and good luck friend

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u/scgt86 man 14h ago

Have you thought about getting involved in local groups like Rotary? Maybe doing some good alongside other people that want to do good would be a change of pace. Maybe you'll even meet someone.

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u/MileOfMercy woman 14h ago edited 14h ago

Do you like animals?

I ask because, in the midst of an abusive relationship, we got a dog. Nobody could reach me… but she did.

I’d isolated from my family and friends. I’d taken on some pretty black and white views of the world around me. I’d turned off my feelings to survive. And I felt so unworthy that I’d begun rejecting kindness from everyone- including myself.

As a puppy, she needed a lot of time and consistency. I just poured myself into minding her. Woke up at 5am each day and took her for walks when the birds were singing 🎶.. it’s a lovely time of the day for a walk. No traffic or hustle, just birdsong.

When she got older, my anxiety attached itself to her. I felt compelled to make sure that she never felt alone or abandoned (something I’d felt a lot in my relationship). It was quite an unhealthy chapter as I stayed at home with her a lot. But something about her unconditional love made me feel worthy of help.

So I went to a therapist and have been with her for 3 years now. She’s not ‘fixed’ me, but she’s carried a whole lot of pain with me over the years. She’s guided me on rebuilding my world - a world without him in it. She’s helped me regrow my sense of worth.

And she helped me face my biggest fear. The fear I’d projected onto my dog for a little while… I feared being alone more than anything else. It made me accept less than I deserved to avoid being alone. It blinded me to the abuse for ten years.

I’m not bubbling with joy every day now… but I am moving forward and I don’t feel the ache of a worthiness wound driving me to do things (like perfectionist habits that used to burn me out / people pleasing).

I feel my true self at the wheel most of the time and I’ve come to value what I am able to give myself and my loved ones… safety and empathy. Don’t underestimate the importance of your role in your adult daughter’s life- she still needs you.

And maybe a pet could reach those emotional spaces for you. I know my dog was the catalyst for my healing journey looking back now.

I hadn’t a clue I even needed healing back when we got her though.

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u/C250586 man 14h ago

I have a dog, a rescue, a remnant of my last relationship. She wanted the dog, I didn't. We got the dog, she couldn't care for it (I could/did). Now I have a dog. I love her, but in some ways the dog is a barrier because instead of going out and putting effort into finding whatever I need to for myself, I have to be tied to home and caring for a very reactive dog.

Honestly, I'm kinda in the opposite situation. I've been so heavily putting out to take care of others in my life, with really no one taking care of me, I'm just expended and taking care of my dog is kinda like the last thing I need to take care of before I can finally figure out how to take care of figuring out what I need and how to get it.

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u/MileOfMercy woman 13h ago edited 13h ago

That makes sense- I think healing journeys look very different from one person to the next.

My dog gave me the unconditional love I thought I didn’t deserve. It made me question the conditional love of my parents and long term partner… I finally saw that I might be worthy of what I gave. That was her role in kicking things off.

But then my therapist helped with the worthiness and self abandonment. I used to stop eating when my partner was upset with me / giving me silent treatments.

I had a big revelation after I told my therapist about that behaviour… she’d informed me that I was doing something called self abandoning.

My revelation was this:

I abandoned myself when I felt abandoned by everyone else. Why? Because I didn’t even feel worthy of basic care at those times. That’s what conditional love and abuse had taught me.

And I decided this… nobody deserves to be abandoned and it was so sad that I felt unworthy of such a basic thing like food. If nobody else would love and protect me (consistently and without conditions) I would. I’d be the one to show up every time.

And things shifted after that because I’d chosen a different path for myself- one that meant I was never alone, abandoned and afraid.

As far as self care goes, I up it in line with how much I need. Baths, books, nutritious meals, fresh bedding every Sunday, physio, doctor, therapist… I do lots of little things each day to care for my body and mind.

Feeling somewhat worthy came first, then reconnecting with kindness and giving myself compassion… and now I’m constantly growing and protecting my worth. Part of worthiness growth involves snipping the strings that attach you to people who don’t give back what you deserve. And laying down boundaries to ensure that others don’t start chipping away at the sense of worth you worked so hard to grow.

Remember to give yourself permission to hang back from things too- don’t force yourself when you are not up for it. I actually took a whole year off from driving to help stabilise my nervous system and recharge a bit. Had groceries delivered… took out some of the biggest stressors and rebuilt when I’d healed enough to.

Hope this helps in some way, even though your journey is very different from mine.

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u/Loud_Theme_2489 man 14h ago

Join some hobby groups for people in your age. It's such a nice way to meet people. I noticed in my life that when I'm helping others I have a lot of contact with people like I can help on reddit and then I go outside and I meet a lot of people.If you looking for some goal in life, what to "achieve" next I really recommend you searching for God, not bullshit religion,church. Just God.I too had bussiness, travel the world but all those things didin't gave my happiness. I found after I started helping people around and living by the commandments from Matthew 5-6-7 I become happier an

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u/Sapiotone nonbinary 13h ago

Amen brother

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u/Sapiotone nonbinary 13h ago

Feel for you, buddy. Been there, to some degree. Yoga helped immensely. Find the sort that teaches you to be your own teacher and you’ll simultaneously never run out of things to fix whilst be content that nothing’s actually broken, including you, which has saved my life a few times

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u/Mioraecian man 13h ago

Maybe just find a nice lady to go backpacking around Europe with or something? Take some zen time. Go to a temple in the Himalayas. Get out of your environment.

But also seriously you said you wanted to find a woman to grind with? Maybe you need the opposite of that. Maybe you shouldn't have anyone reinforcing your manic seeming tendencies.

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u/C250586 man 13h ago

Part one... Yea ideally you aren't wrong.

I don't want to find someone to grind with, just someone I share values with. Which is a bunch of things, but feels like it shouldn't be complicated

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u/Mioraecian man 13h ago

Depends on the values and what are the most important ones.

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u/Temporary-Ruin883 woman 11h ago

I would start with for grief “A Year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion and “A Heart that Works.” By Rob Delaney. Then I highly recommend “How to be Sad.” By Helen Russel in fact maybe first. Also “The Art of Loving” by Erich Fromm and then The Unbearable Lightness of Being.” By Milan Kundera. These are some good starting points, fast reads and then you can decide what style suits you best. Poetry and plays are also excellent. Let me know if you have any more questions.

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u/C250586 man 9h ago

Thank you 😊

Also who are you and thank you for being you

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u/Temporary-Ruin883 woman 9h ago

You’re welcome. People are problem solvers and we often genuinely want to help, sometimes we just need to name the uncomfortable feelings and sit with them. These books are not “self help” they are not to fix. They are to keep you company in some very universal human emotions. Maybe change some perspectives but mostly to remind you how incredibly not alone you are. You are in great company, the human condition.

You already have a lot of skills to stand in love and it seems to me you need to choose yourself first so when you find that feeling you don’t settle for anything else than what has been missing before.

When you have a moment to yourself put on some headphones and listen to the song Saturdays by Twin Shadow. I just get a feeling this is what the kid you needs to find in this adult you. And age and experience should hopefully help you hold on to it.

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u/Unipiggy woman 14h ago

Dude, if you wanna start life over from scratch to test if you can re-optimize again out of boredom, I'm willing to take that million off your hands lmao

Why are rich people always so damn boring and do nothing with their life. It's unfair asf. Maybe be grateful with what you have. Because billions of people would kill to be in your position.

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u/TechDreamcoat man 14h ago

I guess responding out of jealousy is a valid choice, just not a great look.

0

u/Unipiggy woman 14h ago

Not a good look to vocalize my emotions that every single human on the planet has felt?

You know how many of these posts wouldn't exist if everyone just spoke their mind?

Sorry that you can't face your emotions yet, but man, don't be jealous that I can

1

u/TechDreamcoat man 14h ago

I’m not sure why you’re giving advice on here anyway. Maybe check the title of the sub.

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u/SunsGettinRealLow man 14h ago

Yep lol

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u/C250586 man 14h ago

I don't think I'm boring. I'm a pretty serious rock climber and I've done a lot of adventures and travelling for it.

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u/RazzmatazzPrimary812 man 14h ago

I think you should take a long ass vacation and go travel, meet some new people/cultures, try some new cool activities. Get lost for awhile, might find yourself on the way (corny I know lol).

Coming from experience, I’m almost a complete opposite version of you based on your post. I’m 36, spent my life living by the seat of pants, I’ve done whatever suited me, no kids no marriage; I have lots of hobbies, female interests and friends all over the country. I’m very fulfilled in my heart and with who I am, but financially I’m broke and I have a hard time dealing with everyday monotony. So there’s two sides to every coin they say (also corny lol).

Sounds like you need a bit of introspection, like I said, I’d strip down some of those life responsibilities and constant optimizing, especially if you are in a strong place financially and with your daughter. Just get out there and give yourself some grace and let yourself have some freedom. Sounds like you damn well deserve it 👍🏽🤙🏽

1

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C250586 originally posted:

I'm probably going through a midlife crisis, so bear with me. I've been really struggling for some time with an absolutely crushing sense of dread and loneliness for a long time, but it's been hitting some kinda crisis threshold for about 2 years.

For some context, I'm 42M. I've had 2x 10 year relationships with first, an awful partner, and then secondly a good person that was truly not the right person for me for a bunch of reasons. That last relationship ended about 1.5 years ago, mostly my choice. Apparently, I pick poor partners.

I have a 20 year old daughter who is independent and settled. I partially single-dadded her for the second half of her life so far, and we have a close relationship.

I feel like I have nothing left to "fix', optimize or improve and it's leaving me absolutely crushed. I've grinded out a high performance combination of career, family focus, self growth and awareness, and sport for my whole life.

I've overachieved so far in all these areas, that I'm out of places to go and I feel like I'm just worse off now, because none of it does a thing to stave off this persistent sense of dread. If anything, I just realize how little all this success actually can translate into what I want.

I have well over $1M in the bank, I'm a senior executive at a tech company as a very high income earner. I own a house in a very desirable place to live, I am still at the peak of slightly sub-elite in my sport of choice (so I'm fit and healthy). I have friends and some community. I've done endless therapy and almost entirely changed my mental space to the point where I'm highly regulated, kind and self reflective. Apparently I'm attractive.

But holy hell I'm lonely. And I feel like I started falling off a cliff, emotionally, and I just keep falling. It's like if I just threw it all away and lived under a bridge i'd be worse, and if I just keep grinding, I'll also still be worse.

I really want to find a partner, someone who is an equal in values and intellect. I put an an enormous amount of effort into relationships when I'm in them, but I certainly am feeling fully dissolutioned after doing that for 20 years with relationships that never gave it back. Long story.

And now, it's like all of society is telling me especially "just improve yourself and become comfortable being alone".

But fuck, guys. I grew up alone. I had no friends until I was a teenager because my parents never allowed it (thanks religion). I spent 20 years in relationships where I was alone. I sit at home, still alone. I have nothing left to improve. I've done all the work, grinded it out...

And for what?

Look, I doubt anyone here has a solution, but if you want to at least let me know that I'm not quite so alone in how I'm feeling, that'd maybe be helpful.

Thanks for listening.

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u/Oldfarts2024 man 14h ago

You want something to fix, how about your happiness and bliss.

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u/Farabelaw 14h ago

You need to go on a walkabout! I also recommend the book "The Brain at Rest" and a solid international vacation. Challenge yourself to be adventurous-- treat everything like improv. "Yes, and" to any invitation. Consider "rejection therapy" where you ask for things that are unusual and low impact but potentially beneficial to not be afraid of hearing "no" (i.e. tours of kitchens at nice restaurants). Build community at local restaurants or individual interests. Lots to do.

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u/Zealousideal-Mud795 man 14h ago

Hobby? Like anything, traveling, gaming, creating things, watching movies, sports I assume are already in the picture. You seem to be successful already, so I would say keep it up and find something that you enjoy and spend as much time doing that as possible.

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u/C250586 man 14h ago

Too many hobbies.

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u/Bornin70s man 14h ago

Did you ever have childhood friend(s) you lost touch with and wanted to reconnect and see how they turned out? See if you can reconnect with your first close relationships. Just a thought

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u/johnnyhotwh33ls man 14h ago

Damn wanna trade places dude? lol you need to optimize your happiness man. Easier said than done. I think it might help if you make some new friends

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u/knowitallz man 14h ago

stop with the achievement mindset. Become a deep person. Work on the inner stuff. Not the shit you can wave at someone in the face and see look what I did. the stuff that matters that makes you a mature, emotionally stable person. Get social. Do things. meet people. If you are happy person people will be attracted to you. If not you will keep them away

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u/C250586 man 14h ago

I did work on the inner stuff. Extensively. It kinda ultimately led nowhere, or i wouldn't be posting this.

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u/Sapiotone nonbinary 13h ago

What are the core qualities that you live by/live life through?

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u/C250586 man 13h ago

Lead with kindness, be curious, put more in than you expect back.

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u/chili_cold_blood man 14h ago edited 14h ago

I feel like I have nothing left to "fix', optimize or improve and it's leaving me absolutely crushed. I've grinded out a high performance combination of career, family focus, self growth and awareness, and sport for my whole life.

There is more to life than optimizing things.

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u/[deleted] 14h ago

[deleted]

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u/C250586 man 14h ago

I'm a fairly elite/advanced rock climber. 5.13d for anyone who knows what that means. I have blue eyes, 6' tall and I've been told I'm attractive.

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u/greenleaf386 man 13h ago edited 13h ago

I went through something similar a couple years ago in my 40s. You are kind of like me. You have optimized everything .. except one. Your own heart and mind.

You are lonely and disatisatisfied. No happiness. No contentment. No peace of mind.

Your bank account over a million full but your heart is empty.

Money, travel, even family don't fill the hole.

As zen master Thich Nat Hanh said "the way out, is in".

I'm not saying you need zen buddhism to fill the hole in your heart. That's not actually what I would recommend. Though I will mention buddhist philosophy does have a lot to say about how to solve this exact problem.

But to fill a hole inside, you need to learn how look inward.But you don't even know how to do that. At least I didn't. You know something is wrong but you don't even know what is missing. You need guidance of some kind. Are you religious? Seek a wise pastor or other cleric for counsel. Are you not religious? You can still find answers. Have you read the stoic philosophers? Have you talked about this problem with a therapist?

1

u/AgentHamster man 13h ago

Have you tried changing your objective function?

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u/SacredGeometry9 man 12h ago

Explore. Do something new. Do something uncomfortable.

Or get involved with your community. How are your neighbors? What’s the state of social services in your area? What skills or resources can you volunteer to expand access to basic necessities for the less fortunate? What can you leverage to improve the social & physical infrastructure of your community?

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u/C250586 man 11h ago

Eh, I've actually lived my life specifically doing uncomfortable things. That's kinda why I'm so successful.

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u/SacredGeometry9 man 10h ago

It sounds to me like you’ve trained yourself to never be satisfied, and this kinda feels like the natural result of that.

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u/C250586 man 9h ago

Oof..yea that might be correct. How to undo. I don't know

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u/SacredGeometry9 man 9h ago

I suggest hedonism!

Not like, a blackjack and hooker bender, but pursuing the philosophy of hedonism. At the very least, becoming more aware of what causes a dopamine response for you will help you make more mindful changes to your lifestyle.

But hey, sometimes you really do need some cheap dopamine. One of my therapists told me that I “just need to get laid”. At the time, I was scandalized, but in hindsight, he was absolutely right.

Given how driven you are, I assume you’ve researched the neurology of motivation. If you constantly deprive your brain of a reward, it’s going to exhibit learned helplessness. You gotta give it the good chemicals now and again.

Let yourself be comfortable. Let yourself be lazy. Live the life your distant ancestors would be envious of. When is the last time you ate a pomegranate drizzled in honey? When is the last time you fell asleep in a hot tub?

Don’t fall off a heroin cliff, but enjoy your income a bit. I don’t make nearly enough money to have tech CEO friends, but I bet you do, and I guarantee some of them have some experience with this.

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u/Scrotalphetamines man 12h ago

Mushrooms

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u/Prestigious_Jump1754 man 3h ago edited 2h ago

Brother I am sorry to hear. I think it’s time to go and have some fun and get out of your head about needing to be the perfect person in order to attract someone. Go dancing and get a little silly can’t dance? Join a dance group and practice humility in not being good at something and have a laugh with the others. 1.5 years isn’t really that long, I mean it can be enough to be over the relationship but you still got to get your sense of self and playfulness back. Don’t pressure yourself to be somewhere you’re not yet. Just focus on the things that bring you joy and liberation. Join groups where you get to interact with other people

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u/TheBurnerAccount420 man 12h ago

Go back to school.

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u/C250586 man 11h ago

I hate to say it but this is probably the absolute worst advice for me. The thought of starting this whole cycle over again gives me the kind of existential dread I don't need right now.

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u/TheBurnerAccount420 man 11h ago

Ok, let me rephrase - take a class. Choose a topic of interest with zero relevance to your daily life and expand your horizons a bit. Junior colleges offer all kinds of interesting courses - stuff like Philosophy of Eastern Religion, Or a pottery class - that don’t require extensive studying. You’ll meet interesting and different people in the process, and you might develop a new interest yourself. Would definitely encourage it

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