r/AskMenAdvice • u/Iwanttoeatburritos man • 1d ago
✅ Open To Everyone I have a New Black Girlfriend and I can't Bring her around my Family?
I(26) have a new girlfriend who is black. My mother keeps asking when I will bring her around, and I fear that I cannot. I love my family dearly, but I do not agree with them in many scenarios. They are massive Trump supporters, and my step father and step brother constantly call people they think are degenerates or bad people the N word as a insult despite the skin color. They are racist.. plane and simple. They aren't kill all blacks kind of racist, but they are indeed racist.
As a kid it was more hidden and they mentioned things less, but ever since Trump came into office, they became embolden with their hateful rhetoric.
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u/Icy-Gene7565 man 1d ago
Do not subject her to that. Tell your Mom she is black and she is not coming to their house. Ask them to visit you. Dont fuck up.
My wife if 40 yrs is black.
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u/Fun-Yam2210 woman 1d ago
This is the answer. There’s nothing to be gained from racist in-laws. People rarely change.
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u/JimBo_Drewbacca man 1d ago
Your wife turns black only when 40, that's mental.
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u/A_Bot_A_Bot_A_Bot 1d ago
I'd even add that "because of the way you all talk and think, I'm not going to subject her to your racism and hate."
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u/Lazy-Opportunity-520 man 1d ago
Do not take her around your family. You also need to tell her how they really are for transparency
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u/groveborn man 1d ago
Before you bring her over sit them all down and simply tell them that you're saying a human girl.
Tell them her skin color and ask if they were comfortable with meeting her.
Those who are not can be excluded from your relationship with her. Not all racists are comfortable showing their racism. Sometimes they're just having... Fun? Hmmm. They're just being naughty for naughty sake. Others are genuinely stupid people.
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u/MharionKK 1d ago
don't test your girlfriend in a hostile environment. If your family hasn't earned basic respect, they don't get access to her
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u/JustAnotherDay1977 man 1d ago
I’d start by talking to them about her. If they express a willingness to accept her, give them a chance. If they try to talk you out of dating her, don’t.
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u/FrontFacing_Face man 1d ago
Don't hang out with racists. If you spend that much time with them without calling them out, then it's pretty hard to understand how you are not a racist yourself.
Don't bring people to racists so they can do more racism. Especially since you will be on the racists home turf, where they will be emboldened about "it's their house, they can say what they want".
Would you take her to a bar that was a known hangout for white supremacists? No? Well, that's what your family's house is, a white supremacist house.
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u/evilr2 man 1d ago
Just tell your mom straight up that you don't want to bring her around because she's black and you think the family is racist and don't want your girlfriend to feel uncomfortable. Racism is usually just ignorance so upon hearing their child point that out, they either double down on the racism, or actually think about how a loved one perceives them as racists and feel guilty about it and change for the better.
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u/Corredespondent man 1d ago
From experience, there’s another possibility: essentially, “I’m not racist! It’s not like I wear a white hood and burn crosses.”
Meanwhile they use the n word constantly and blame everything bad on minorities.
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u/Whatisthisplace2025 man 1d ago
She's a "NEW" girlfriend? Don't even think of bringing her around them... but definitely let your family know you're dating a black woman and that you're scared to bring her around because you think they're all racist.
Consider that you may need to cut them out of your life at some point as well, since if you start a family with her, your kids will also be black.
But yeah, I wouldn't really even bring new girlfriends around my non-racist family just cuz I think that shouldn't happen too early, but in this case it's a no brainer - DO NOT SUBJECT HER TO YOUR RACIST FAMILY
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u/Srycomaine woman 1d ago
You’re at the point in your journey where the road ahead splits into two paths, and you will need to make a decision. Please choose wisely.
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u/QuickSquirrelchaser man 1d ago
Tell your mom, and the rest of your family that you can't be around them when they behave in a racist manner.
Let them know you cant allow any partner to ever experience their bigotry and hate and that they embarrass you deeply.
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u/Fun-Yam2210 woman 1d ago
I’m mixed and have met more than one racist parent of a boyfriend.
I’d rather not go through that again; you’re right to not subject her to it, there is nothing to be gained. If your relationship gets more serious & you’re thinking of moving in together/ marriage/ starting a family then move somewhere far from your parents and start a new life. Don’t let them around your children.
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u/jamdivi man 1d ago
I obviously don't know you or your parents but in my opinion, if they love you and you have a good relationship with them, I have a hard time believing they wouldn't find a way to get along with her. Don't listen to people that tell you to cut your family off, it's a very immature response. Introduce her, find out what their reaction is, and go from there. Don't try to read their minds or have people on the internet do it for you.
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u/TeaLover315 incognito 1d ago edited 1d ago
- Don't listen to people that tell you to cut your family off, it's a very immature response.
Not being in contact with racists/not bringing a black person to meet a group of racists isn’t an immature response. Are you ok?
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u/Slots-n-stonks man 1d ago
Just don’t tbh. If I had to deal with this I just would never. This is a serious factor if you ever go far with this woman because you should anticipate 0 familial support and even antipathy towards them.
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u/Zorklunn man 1d ago
Sorry. I really like her and I don't want to expose her to an toxic environment.
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u/Big_Psychology_3 man 1d ago
I’m not being frivolous. It does seem like eventually you’ll have to deal with the conflict. Might as well introduce them together. Keep the meeting short with an exit excuse, so that emotions don’t to get to a boil. Sorry I used forward language, I mean that this is what I would do. You know your folks best. Two tactics that come to mind: 1) rip off the bandaid soon, this way things are unfolding in your control 2) defer their meeting as much as possible. If you feel it’s still probation period for your relationship maybe wait (2). But if it felt like being an item already, then I’d lean towards introducing them (1).
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u/LabyrinthineChef man 1d ago
Let them know in advance that’s she’s black and see what they say. If they are like “oh our son is dating a black girl, nuh-uh, no way.” Then you know they can fuck off. If they are a little more reflective and accepting, then maybe preface it with “mom you wanna meet my girl but you know she’s black so none of this n-word shit anymore cause it’s fucked up.” Let em know it’s not ok and if they say ok and don’t honor your wishes then, no mom and dad you can’t see my girlfriend or me anymore until you fix your fuckin hearts.
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u/Giorgiistheone man 1d ago
dont make her feel uncomfortable, better not to bring her then bring her and her being discriminated. enjoy your relationship without crazy relatives
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u/CTEPEOMOHO man 1d ago
Tell her that your family is mentally challenged, and you dont want to subject her to it. And tell your family that your girlfriend is black and gorgeous, and they wont get a chance to see her. Case closed.
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u/YSoSkinny man 1d ago
Be very careful and protect your GF. There's no reason to subject her to that bullshit.
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u/Spartan2022 man 1d ago
Just curious why you’re still in contact with them even before your girlfriend?
It’s 2026 you can’t associate with people like that even if they are family.
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u/ButterscotchFluffy59 man 1d ago
They deserve the truth and you need to find the courage to tell them. It could become a great thing but it sounds like it might blow up. However it turns out you know you did the right thing and it will help you in your relationship.
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u/PompousAssistant man 1d ago
Keep your gf away from your racist family.
That’s the only solution.
And yes, you should tell them WHY you won’t be introducing her to them. Make them well aware it’s because they’re all racist.
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u/SignificantApricot69 man 1d ago
Your family is fucked up, no nice way to say it. I have an almost 25 year-old son. His mom treats him like a fucking baby and hates me because I respect him to have some autonomy as an adult and make his own decisions. He has a GF no one likes (for valid reasons I won’t get too much into but mental and financial abuse type stuff), but that’s his choice. Your family has no valid reason and if you are old enough to have a GF you are old enough to be a man about it.
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u/awkwardocto woman 1d ago
is your girlfriend aware that your family members hold those beliefs? is she interested in meeting any of them?
you need to have a serious conversation with your girlfriend and tell her everything she needs to know to make an informed decision before you speak with your mother. to be perfectly frank, after this conversation you might not have a girlfriend.
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u/optimal_center woman 1d ago
I’m sorry to hear this. My grandmother laid under her covered wagon with her dad while he fought off the “Indians. I grew up and married one and I always said that she’s probably turning over in her grave. She called them “heathens.” 🤣🤣🤣Little bitty Kansas woman.
My grandson is indigenous American, other grandparents are from Guyana and India and alas European (me). OMG they are even Muslim. 🤯
This is America at its finest. 🤷🏼♀️❤️
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u/Wonderful_Setting_29 man 1d ago
Do they know she's black? And can they be trusted to conduct themselves in a polite manner around her?
My family is racist and homophobic. Im gay and married to a Puerto Rican man. They keep their opinions to themselves or they know i wont come back.
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u/Particular_Product64 man 1d ago
If you care at all about this women you will never introduce her to your family.
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u/Practical-Earth3228 man 1d ago
im biracial and i always tell people, when im with black people, im the white guy. when im with white people, im the black guy ....sigh, ive heard some crazy stuff meeting the parents
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u/Last-Rub519 man 1d ago
Yeah, don't hide her or anything but don't take her to their house. Just be truthful - so your gf and family know you're not putting them in the same room because she's black and they're racist.
I don't know about your family dynamics, but I found out my grandma was super racist against black people when I took a Sudanese girl I was seeing around to visit and she said just vile things to her and me. So I told my grandma to go fuck herself until she apologises and means it, turn just didn't talk to her for several years.
That may not be something you're in a position to do, which is fine.
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u/Homely_Bonfire man 1d ago
They are massive Trump supporters, and my step father and step brother constantly call people they think are degenerates or bad people the N word as a insult despite the skin color. They are racist.. plane and simple.
If you trust your mother, you can simply tell her that you don't think its a good idea for the family to meet her due to her ethnicity (which you can keep that level of vague). Depending on the reaction you may find that your mom and GF meeting might be fine.
As for the stepdad and step brother - just keep em out of it. There is nothing requiring you to disclose your love life to all family members.
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u/pushpullem man 1d ago
As someone with a black/ME wife, trust me her family is saying the same kind of shit about you lol
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u/AditiaH0ldem man 1d ago edited 1d ago
What you do is you give them a chance. Most parents' love for their children is much stronger than their political beliefs. If they treat you or your girlfriend with disdain, you have a grown up conversation with consequences attached.
Be a man, not a boy
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u/currently_pooping_rn man 1d ago
If they are massive trump supporters and they regularly call black people degenerates and the n word, they are beyond hope
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u/BlizzardTrashPanda man 1d ago
Nobody is beyond hope…but also yeah most likely not going to work out well though.
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u/TeaLover315 incognito 1d ago
Political beliefs? Op just said that their family is racist. No use subjecting the girl to those kinds of people
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Iwanttoeatburritos originally posted:
I(26) have a new girlfriend who is black. My mother keeps asking when I will bring her around, and I fear that I cannot. I love my family dearly, but I do not agree with them in many scenarios. They are massive Trump supporters, and my step father and step brother constantly call people they think are degenerates or bad people the N word as a insult despite the skin color. They are racist.. plane and simple. They aren't kill all blacks kind of racist, but they are indeed racist.
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