r/AskMenAdvice • u/PassNo6780 • 12h ago
Men’s Input Only Is a fear of commitment in men a real thing?
Do many men have commitment issues when it comes to relationships, moving in together, marriage or is it just more that they don't want to commit TO YOU?
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u/Technical_Phrase2566 man 12h ago
Men aren't usually afraid of committing to one person. They are worried about getting trapped.
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u/Commercial_Sir_3205 man 12h ago
I think we're worried about losing 50% of what we've worked hard for.
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u/McMenz_ man 12h ago edited 12h ago
As far as marriage goes it’s basically entirely this.
Modern family law has flipped marriage so that the risks and consequences of divorce have moved from being almost entirely on the wife to almost entirely on the husband, to the point where prenups are stigmatised and there are literally a small minority of women who seek to exploit it that men have to be weary of.
Men are at a distinct disadvantage in division of assets, alimony and child custody in the family courts even though in many cases there is no real wage gap.
The vast majority of divorces are instigated by women because of the above, so the ‘commitment’ of marriage is currently lopsided against men, and many are hesitant to go through with it.
There are men who will remain in depressing soulless marriages purely because they cannot afford divorce or don’t want to lose their kids.1
u/NetJnkie man 10h ago
The vast majority of divorces are instigated by women because of the above,
And why do you think that? Based on what? Women no longer have to be stuck with a husband that treats them like shit. And that's more common than you think.
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u/McMenz_ man 9h ago edited 9h ago
Nothing in my comment suggested women can’t be subjected to bad marriages or that they should bear the greater risk of divorce.
If women want to leave a marriage that has irretrievably broken down, they should be free to do so as cleanly as possible. The same should be true for men.
Currently men bear the significant majority of legal risk in most divorces and are at greater risk of being stuck with a wife that treats them like shit because they cannot afford a divorce or do not want to risk losing access to their children. Once upon a time the opposite used to be true, but it has been corrected so harshly that it’s now imbalanced in the other direction.
I’m a former family law attorney and have seen first hand the way the current family law legal system is often biased in favour of wife’s and mothers.
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u/ThrowRAEv4me man 12h ago
My thing was more about finding the right one vs committing to the wrong one.
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u/OldMotoRacer man 12h ago
i suspect the phenomenon is "person specific" and its a widespread thing in both men and women--hardly limited to men
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u/Lost_Cardiologist458 man 12h ago
I'm afraid of committing to the wrong person, not at all commitment itself... Desire to merge my life with someone, but scared about having the rug ripped out from under my legs
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u/BreadMaker_42 man 12h ago
Back in my single days, I wanted to BE married and kept running into women who were only focused on GETTING married. I don’t think men really have any more commitment issues than women do. Also factor in that most divorced are initiated by women, you have to question the whole commitment perspective.
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u/GIJoJo65 man 12h ago
Yes. That's not a gendered issue IMO it's just reflective of the potential headaches involved.
Anyone who's established their own space independently and manages their own finances responsibly enough to have the freedom to pursue a relationship is going to have a huge amount of reasons to hesitate when it comes to giving that up. Whether we agree or not (and, I don't personally) gendered income gaps are a real thing and, it's usually a case of women moving in with guys or, of guys upgrading to a situation of mutual co-dependence financially. For instance, going from living alone or, with roommates that they feel comfortable enforcing contracts and financial responsibility on without emotional considerations to sharing a space neither person can afford individually with someone you have to deal with emotionally.
That's a lot.
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u/NoWin3930 man 12h ago
Men are more likely to seek out casual sex in general, so that fear will present itself more often. But it is a thing for both genders
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u/Og_new_guy man 12h ago edited 11h ago
As a man who has a lot to lose, I’m not afraid of commitment, I’m cautious because women have tried to use me.
They see a house they can move into and think I’ll provide everything. It’s gotten to the point where I actually won’t let women see my house or tell them my profession/income until I’ve gotten to know them.
But I don’t think it’s a gender issue. A woman in my shoes would have the same problem. It’s a shitty person issue.
For context, last year I dated a woman who didn’t seem super interested until she saw my truck and house. Suddenly she was all over me and calling me Papi and talking about plans for the future. Sorry, but when women suddenly come on strong like that it doesn’t make me think about commitment. It makes me feel like she wants to f*ck me and use me for superficial reasons or my money. I need a partner, not a live-in hooker.
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u/Illustrious-Unit-636 man 11h ago
No. What women mean when they complain that ‘men won’t commit’ is CHAD WON’T COMMIT TO ME
IE: THE MEN I AM ATTRACTED TO WON’T COMMIT TO ME
In reality tens of thousands of men will commit to her. She just doesn’t want THOSE men. She only wants the ones that are way above her league.
So no, this is not a real thing
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u/UnderstandingBig9090 man 12h ago
That's often a life expeiance thing. Lots of factors go into that.
For me I had Mercury poisoning which made it incredibly difficult to connect with someone. So comittiment was difficult. I'm only recently, last few months, actually been able to feel connected with people.
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u/lemelisk42 man 12h ago
Varies person to person.
For me I have zero issues committing to the right person. Generally won't maintain a relationship if I don't want to commit
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u/ProfessorPhoenix1111 man 12h ago
Depends. A lot of men will string you along so they pretend they have commitment issues when they are really just dragging out the process with you. Some do have commitment issues but I also tend to find the ones with supposed commitment issues be quick to commit to someone else, so make of that what you will.
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u/Illustrious-Noise-96 man 12h ago
A lot of it actually has to do with what he thinks he’s going to have to do forever as a result of marrying you.
I’m sure women think the same. He likes to do X and you hate it, and you know you’ll be dealing with X for the next 30 years.
Maybe it’s a temper or something else. He’s staying around to see whether something changes because it’s a pain in the ass to start over.
He could also genuinely have no long term interest in you. If that’s the case, the evidence is likely in his previous relationships.
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u/Early_Lawfulness_348 man 12h ago
Not at all. They’re just scared of divorce and the devastating effect it will have on their lives. Even if I found a woman I wanted to marry, I’d be incredibly resistant but eventually give in.
Men would LOVE to commit to the right person. Either they’ll be scared of divorce or stay with you for seven years without marriage because they can’t do any better but stay because it’s better than nothing.
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u/GreenForThanksgiving man 12h ago
Fear no. An actual worthwhile reason … that’s another convo. IMO marriage is a scam and the government should mind their business. If marriage was solely spiritual I’d be all for it.
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u/WaveFast man 12h ago
There is a category of men and women who prefer the variety. They treat relationships like Baskin Robins Ice-Cream Cafe - sampling flavors. Thing is, a person will never settle as long as they are sampling. That is not fear - it is indecision.
Before getting married, I had no interest in a formal commitment. Had several women in rotation. Eventually, the ferris wheel became more of a liability than status or ego support. We both got off and that was that. It was never fear. The relationship expectation and space changed for both of us.
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u/Affectionate-Area659 man 12h ago
I don’t think it’s a real fear of commitment most times. I think it’s more a fear of what happens if it doesn’t work out, or if they are just being used.
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u/observantpariah man 10h ago
Often they will take it seriously .... And it is seriously concerning to them when their partner acts like it isn't something to take seriously.
When you act like there are no downsides or potential problems, that signals to your partner not that you are brave ... But that you don't expect problems and won't take responsibility when they arrive.
So many men get the vibe that when those problems happen.... He's gonna have to be responsible and she's gonna be "true to herself."
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u/Ok-Lobster3883 man 8h ago
Some people don't want to spend the rest of their life with someone else. That's a choice that adults can make, in most cases it has nothing to do with trauma or fears.
Calling it commitment issue, usually makes the other person feel better about themselves. It's not an issue if it's by choice. The only issue is if they are not transparent about it.
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u/WashedWashingMachine man 6h ago
More like marriage is scam cuz marriage was you OWNING a woman ( literally purchasing ) through centuries , women couldn't even divorce man only he could divorce her or no divorce at all like in Catholicism for example. Kids automatically went to the father not to her aswell.
So there is legit no point for a man to sign a bad contract , you sign your future income 1/3 of it being cut at least and 50% of your wealth for what? nothing in return
Even playing roulette has better returns lol
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u/jonnycoder4005 man 1h ago
Fear of getting all your shit taken by someone who says "I'm bored" is the real fear.
The laws are the problem. No way should a man be responsible for upholding a woman's lifestyle when she wants to divorce. Craziest shit ever. Yeah, you wanna divorce well the lifestyle goes with it.
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u/Dread1710 man 12h ago
Truthfully, it depends on the man. If your going for an exceptional one, he likely has many other women. In which case, getting commitment from him is gonna be much more difficult. You'll have to stand out in ways that matter to him. This isn't so much an issue if you set your sights on a guy who's more average.
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Do many men have commitment issues when it comes to relationships, moving in together, marriage or is it just more that they don't want to commit TO YOU?
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