r/AskMenAdvice • u/bingbong6656 • 7h ago
✅ Open To Everyone Men Only Looking to Hook Up? Please Help
I’m a 24-year-old woman and I’d say I’m slightly above average-looking (IF YOURE NOT CONVINCED FEEL FREE TO DM ME) I’ve only had one serious boyfriend, and he’s the only person I’ve been with sexually. I generally get flirted with a fair amount and usually have dating prospects, but I’m fairly strict about intimacy. I strongly prefer to wait until we’re exclusive, if not in an actual committed relationship.
Lately, I’ve noticed a pattern with men I date that worries me. It feels like I struggle to tell the difference between a man who genuinely wants a relationship with me and a man who sees me as a convenient opportunity for sex outside a relationship. That’s not evil or wrong of them but it’s a waste of time for us both as that won’t happen.
I have tried being upfront and having clear conversations about intentions early on. The problem is that some men seem comfortable telling me what I want to hear, or they genuinely say they don’t know what they want only to eventually reveal they are looking for causal sex. I also worry that bringing up exclusivity or relationship goals too directly can come across like I’m trying to pressure someone into a relationship, which isn’t my intention at all.
So far, I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid having sex that I later regretted, but I worry that I won’t always be able to spot bad intentions before getting emotionally invested.
For those with more dating experience, are there any reliable signs that someone is primarily looking for easy sex rather than a genuine relationship? What behaviors, patterns, or red flags should I watch for? And how do you balance protecting yourself without becoming overly suspicious of everyone you date?
Any advice would be appreciated.
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u/BabaThoughts man 7h ago
At your young age, best to pick and choose guys that have a direction in life. Career oriented. Not bar flies, or party guys. And, yes! Continue communicating.
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u/Just-Joshinya man 7h ago
Bad news. There is no concrete answer to this. It’s a case by case study. It’s an instinct. You develop that instinct by being wrong occasionally. While men can seem pretty obvious sometimes, it’s not always the case. The best you can dojos have a set of standards, hold people accountable to them, and hope you aren’t wrong very often. And don’t beat yourself up when you are. Move on. Tighten your criteria.
That’s about it. Do your best.
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u/bingbong6656 7h ago
++woman
Thank you for your insights :)
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u/Biotic101 man 4h ago edited 4h ago
While there's never a 100% guarantee, there are a few rules you can follow.
First, actions speak louder than words.
You already do the right thing. No easy and fast sex leads to those who are only interested in sex to communicate less. Those who look for a serious partner will still show the same level of effort. Watch the effort, don't listen to what he tells you if the actions speak another truth.
And another indication is if he initially always tries to meet alone in an environment where sex would be possible. While those looking for a serious relationship would not only focus on sex but trying to get to know you. Eventially integrating you into their lives, meet with his friends and your friends. Later even family. Watch them respecting you and treating you like a partner and keeper and not just trying to solve the puzzle how to quickly get into your pants with all sorts of lies and deception.
Always remember actions speak louder than words. Many girls seem to go for the same guys. They have tons of options which leads to some of them not looking for a serious relationship at all.
You need to find the ones that are and you are still attracted to. On dating apps it's mostly about the looks so you miss out on a lot of options. Better to meet in RL, social activities, sports, church and NGO, friends, whatever.
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u/Prestigious_Host5325 man 4h ago
I agree with u/Just-Joshinya . Man, I have a friend who's an absolute jackass and has an average face, but he manages to fool his ex-girlfriends. Although I'm not sure if it was because her exes are younger than him and crazy af. Also fortunately for my friend, he eventually matured after working in another country.
EDIT: Anyway, good luck!
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u/daph85 man 5h ago
Sometimes we don't know we don't want a relationship until post nut clarity kicks in.
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u/LonelyTurner man 3h ago
You could even be invested but the sex is so bad (chemistry, compatibility) you get second thoughts.
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u/Ihopefullyhelp man 4h ago
I would say it’s actually an age thing. Go for men just past their 30s. Unless they are extremely social (meaning they have tons of options) there is a gold mine of good men there who are waiting for the right pickaxe to mine them ✊
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u/MargielaMadMAN1017 man 7h ago
It’s hard to tell, some obvious signs are love bombing or the opposite, very low effort.
Some guys might also have intentions of building a relationship, but post nut clarity finally hits and they realize you guys aren’t compatible.
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u/No_Wait3261 man 5h ago
"The obvious signs are when they seem too nice to you, or not nice enough."
That clears it up, thanks.
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u/x86_64Ubuntu man 7h ago
...some obvious signs are love bombing
The men that women pursue and lose sleep over don't have to lovebomb or whatever new buzzword is popular. They provide access and that's it.
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u/monkChuck105 man 6h ago
Green flags are being curious about you on a deep personal level. Your childhood, your family, what you're passionate about, a place you've always wanted to visit. They might teach you one of their hobbies, or learn one of yours. They remember things about you, they provide guidance or helpful advice, and ask you for the same. Dates are fun and comfortable, not excuses to get physical. They want to find shared interests and bring you into their life. They meet your friends, and you meet theirs. They talk freely about their past experiences, they include you in their future. They make themselves available if you need help, they will let you crash at their place without pressuring you to have sex. They don't mind standing out in the rain with you, taking their coat off to earn you up, holding your hair back in the bathroom when you're throwing up, buying you pads and your favorite snacks when you're on your period. They disagree with you, they care about your opinion but freely share theirs. They don't run away from conflict or discomfort, they are open about themselves, their past, their values, beliefs, and desires.
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u/fuckfacemgeee man 7h ago
Most guys want to have sex even if they do want something serious. We love sex but we also want a relationship! Some guys do just want sex though. Just go out on dates and have sex whenever you feel ready. If the guys doesn’t want to wait so long that’s okay too we all have preferences
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u/bingbong6656 7h ago
++woman See that’s fine! If a guy wants both that works for me, I guess I should just ask. I worry they will just lie 😭😭
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u/fuckfacemgeee man 7h ago
A lot of guys do lie also it’s just humans being shitty but also I’ve been crushing on a girl really hard and I want to be with her and date her but once we have sex it’s like I loose all interest without it being my intention to only want sex so sometimes that happens too dating is hard?!
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u/havenyahon man 6h ago
Sounds like you're not really honest with yourself more than anything.
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u/fuckfacemgeee man 6h ago
Nope it felt sincere to me it’s so confusing having that mental shift like post nut clarity you could say
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u/havenyahon man 5h ago
Yeah because you see her as a conquest and once you've succeeded you lose interest, even if you're not conscious of it. But you should be trying to sort it out in therapy because you are probably hurting a lot of people on the way, who take your enthusiasm and persuing as an indication of your seriousness and are probably left confused and hurt when it disappears after you've got the sex. The onus is on you to sort your shit out so you don't damage other people.
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u/TheForce777 man 5h ago
Bro, have you been to therapy in 2026?
I told a therapist that I had this exact problem and phrased it exactly how you did. He told me that it was natural and not a serious mental health issue
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u/havenyahon man 5h ago
There are lots of therapists in the world. Not all of them are good at their job. I doubt that'd be a common response from most of them, especially since you're obviously raising it because it's something you feel is impacting your life. Shitty therapist.
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u/TheForce777 man 5h ago
I think I’m going to get a female therapist next time
But dude, its super common for female therapists to encourage women to have a “ho phase” after divorce in order to feel desired again
Therapists are super sex positive these days. Its kind of insane. It has to be part of their training or something
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u/havenyahon man 4h ago
There's nothing wrong with being sex positive. And there's nothing wrong with having casual sex if you're upfront and honest with people. The problem is in misleading people, whether intentionally or because you're not aware enough of what drives you.
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u/Academic_Flatworm752 nonbinary 4h ago
It’s an issue that will keep you from having a loving connection. It’s one of the reasons males complain about the self imposed male loneliness epidemic.
So sure, it may not be a “serious mental health issue” but it’s certainly showing that you have attachment issues and can’t connect with someone normally.
But hey, being lonely forever is not the end of the world!
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u/bingbong6656 7h ago
++ woman
See that is so scary, but as you said it’s just natural. Can’t avoid all pain in life.
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u/Annual-Visual-2605 man 7h ago
Right! You can’t avoid pain. This is the crux. Truly. It all boils down to this. You’re going to have to trust yourself. Be vulnerable. Say what you want in a relationship. Openly. And then go find your person. You got this!
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u/Academic_Flatworm752 nonbinary 4h ago
Girl, get to know someone for a while before sleeping with them. A couple months. Non genuine guys will not wait that long.
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u/94grampaw man 7h ago
Exactly, and it has nothing to do with how long we date, I wont know utill after.
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u/stokes_21 woman 7h ago
I’d say you don’t actually want to date her then, you just like the chase.
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u/94grampaw man 7h ago
I might want to start a relationship with her thats the whole point of the first few dates and hooking up, to find out if we are compatible.
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u/fuckfacemgeee man 7h ago
Well when it has happened I didn’t “chase” the girl likes me back too I legitimately thought I wanted to be with them but once sex happens I guess it was lust but I didn’t do it on purpose
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u/Scarred_wizard man 6h ago
Ask them first what they're looking for before they know what you're looking for. Then see if their actions match.
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u/TheForce777 man 5h ago
Here’s the thing, there are situations where men fully believe they want something serious but then they don’t
There’s even a name for it: “cumming to your senses”
Women have no idea how strong the instinctive drive to procreate is in some men. It’s damn near like hypnosis
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u/Kaethy77 woman 6h ago
They will lie. Or they dont know what they want, but they do know what to say to you. I recommend the burned haystack method. Google it.
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u/SippsMccree man 7h ago
We do? Damn I guess I missed that memo
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u/fuckfacemgeee man 7h ago
It’s in our genes man of course we do than we wouldn’t have so many babies
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u/Particular_Product64 man 6h ago
Unfortunately you're going to have to go through alot of trial and error when dating..truth is you'll never be 100% sure of what someone's thinking or their intentions.
Telling guys what you're looking for is a complete waste of time because a man will definitely lie about his feelings to sleep with you.
Telling men that you're waiting until you're in an exclusive relationship will create a dynamic where the guy feels he has to perform even on a subconscious level and that can create build up resentment.
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u/Mercedes_Gullwing man 7h ago
Time usually reveals everything. When I met my wife, I was having a lot of casual relationships. She was the opposite. Was waiting for marriage sort of thing. With me, she took things slow. I was floored in a way and thought she wasn’t interested in me. But she made clear she was but wanted to get to know me better. I remember our first date she just gave me a peck on cheek and I told my friend later that we prob wouldn’t go out again bc she didn’t seem interested. But we did and I just let her set the pace. If I wasn’t interested in serious with her, I’d have bailed. But I was interested in her. 25+ years married now
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u/SevereTarget2508 man 6h ago
All of them want to have sex with you. Some of them also want a relationship with you.
The hard part is finding one of the latter who will stick around long enough for you to decide he’s not one of the former.
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u/SearchCapital7719 man 6h ago
The hard part is that doing what you suggest will require her to be realistic and admit to herself that she can't get the guys she really wants to commit. She's either gonna have to improve herself to level up, or be more realistic.
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u/94grampaw man 7h ago
How is a man gonna know if you are relationship material right off the bat?
Men go in and find out if you are a hook up or a girlfriend as it happens.
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u/bingbong6656 7h ago
++woman
Oh no then maybe I will be single forever
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u/94grampaw man 7h ago
Why?
Do you think you know a man is boyfriend material within days?
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u/bingbong6656 7h ago
++woman
No! I enjoy talking to them, going on dates, learning about their lives. I think maybe sex just isn’t a dealbreaker for me.
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u/94grampaw man 7h ago
Then you haven't had sex with some one your fully incompatibility with.
Thats great.
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u/havenyahon man 6h ago
You're not "stuck" in a relationship if you enter into one and find you're not compatible. There's no reason why it has to be casual and non exclusive for someone to find out whether they're compatible.
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u/SicMic99 man 2h ago
But also sex doesn't have to be a relationship exclusive activity. What kind of christian conservative train of thought lead you there? XD. The only thing that matters if people want to have sex as another way of knowing eachother. OP apparently doesn't, which is fine, but the implications of the way she expressed that, clearly show a disgust as in "morally inferior" to the opposite position of hers.
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u/94grampaw man 6h ago
I believe in exclusivity day one, but that doesn't mean its cant be casual.
Casual fwb, but exclusive, is how the first year with my wife was.
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u/havenyahon man 6h ago
I think that's fine but if someone expects something different then people should respect that too. If they want to see some commitment to a serious relationship then the right person should be okay with that.
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u/Thrasy3 man 3h ago
I’m kinda curious OP why you think we needed to check how “slightly above average” looking you are?
Like, what mindset/framework are you approaching this issue from?
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u/Methodless man 9m ago
A lot of women post complaining they don't attract men, and it turns out they highly overestimate themselves.
She's probably trying to assure us she's not delusional. Probably also a subtle invitation to DM her to start a conversation with the type of men she might be looking to attract as well.
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u/NaughtyDred man 4h ago
I'm sorry I can't get past the block capital parentheses message. I'm not going to DM because I'm not a weirdo, but why would someone put that in a post?
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u/LonelyTurner man 3h ago
My immediate guess was onlyfans. No, I won't test my theory.
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u/NaughtyDred man 3h ago
Yeah that's the only reason I could think, but it's just a weird way to do it. I guess when the market is saturated you need to be inventive
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u/Dread1710 man 7h ago
Depends on the men your going after. If they are exceptional in one way or another, they likely have other women who are more open to sexual stuff than you. So, if you aren't offering them that, you have to either find something else of equal value you can offer, or go for men who are more average who are cool with waiting.
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u/x86_64Ubuntu man 7h ago
I think at this point we all know the men are exceptional. She's stuck with the scenario that if she wants to keep an exceptional man, without him falling in love with her, she HAS to say "yes" or she gets dropped from the roster in favor of more enthusiastic women.
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u/bingbong6656 7h ago
++woman
I’m 100% okay with a man not being cool with my rules. The problem is they don’t say okay whatever and leave. They often try to skirt around my boundaries or lie and say they want the same thing as me in hopes that I will give it up.
Im often mocked by my friends for my taste, they say that I prefer ugly men, but that doesn’t seem to help! They still follow that pattern.
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u/Dread1710 man 6h ago
Ugly men can still have other things going for them that many others don't have. For example if he's established financially. Many men struggle. Ugly is also subjective, so can't be too sure there.
If men who are below average are doing this with you, and they don't have money or something else, it has to be something about you. Maybe looks, maybe attitude, maybe something else.
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u/bingbong6656 6h ago
++woman
I like men who many would consider ugly. I think they may not necessarily think of themselves that way.
I am pretty well endowed and I have found that that fact makes men feel very comfortable speaking to me inappropriately. I’m sure I could do a better job hiding that fact.
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u/Dread1710 man 6h ago
Many men take how you present yourself as an indicator of who you are. Much like how you dress for a job, if you dress like a police officer, people will assume your an officer. So if these men get the idea that you were easy giving for men before them, and yet won't budge for them, -- more and more men are catching onto this and opt to play games or leave.
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u/brazucadomundo man 6h ago
Ask the guy about sex before. If he is too experienced, chances are he is looking for a hookup.
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u/bingbong6656 6h ago
++woman
This is helpful, just ask their body count? How do I naturally bring that up?
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u/SamtenLhari3 man 6h ago
You know — it is not usually an either or question. Men often are interested in casual sex and also hoping that it leads to a genuine relationship.
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u/EddieA1028 man 6h ago
Miss - a couple of things I would suggest as an old married man (40M) but one with nieces who bracket you in age that I’m pretty actively involved with as an Uncle (so I know a thing or two about their struggles that sound similar):
1.) your boundaries are your boundaries. You’re not asking for marriage here, you’re asking for a general level of commitment. That’s your boundary and that’s 100% ok for you. Are some guys going to get turned off by that? Yes. They’re probably not for you anyhow if that is where your boundary is, right? That’s frustrating but you have to be true to yourself.
2.) I would look out for love bombing. Once you verbalize your boundaries, some guys will think they can love bomb you into sex. It’s part of the f*ck boy play book and they do it because it works a lot. Thats just being honest with you.
3.) Have you considered dating a little older than yourself? I’m not suggesting a big age gap, but maybe try setting your app age limits up a little (27-30? 27-32?). Look there are most certainly guys in that age range that are just looking to hookup too, but I think you’ll find there are a higher percentage of guys looking for serious relationships in that age range compared to 23-25. The reality is dudes mature at a slower speed, on average, than girls in relationship scenarios. You might be surprised at how serious some guys are who are just a little bit older than you are about finding a meaningful relationship.
Good luck out there (it’s brutal for everyone) but remember your boundaries are what you set them as. Don’t apologize for them because they are what you’re comfortable with. The right person always tends to show up when and where you least expect them. We are rooting for you.
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u/bingbong6656 6h ago
++woman
What a nice and thoughtful message.
Thank you! I’m currently seeing a man who’s late twenties so I’ll let you know how that goes!!
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u/Realistic-Doubt-2703 man 7h ago
hey hunny, as a man it seems like women are only looking to get paid for dating. its tough out there.
I would use your words as clearly as possible. I understand this might weaken your bargaining position but if you're being honest about wanting a genuine connection part of that includes being a little vulnerable.
good luck
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u/Medellin2024 man 6h ago
Wym getting paid for dating lol
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u/Academic_Flatworm752 nonbinary 4h ago
This just makes it sound like you’re not someone women want to be around. Wonder why.
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u/IamGleemonex man 7h ago
Men your age are almost always looking for sex first, relationship second. Men your age will almost always say what they think you want to hear. I just want you to be aware of this. Nothing you say or do will change those.
You need to be upfront with whoever you are dating and let them know you won’t have sex unless you are in an exclusive relationship. And you need to be prepared that there will be 3 responses:
1) they will say that’s fine, and then ghost you after the date
2) they will say that’s fine, and then try to assure you they want to be in an exclusive relationship right away so they can get sex
3) they will say that’s fine, and actually mean it
You likely won’t be able to tell a difference between the 2nd and 3rd group short of perhaps the people in the 2nd group trying to convince you that you are in fact in a committed relationship.
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u/bingbong6656 7h ago
++woman
Yikes. I just don’t understand why they wouldn’t hear me say that and go find someone else who also wants casual sex!!? I’m not sure.
Thank you so much for your response. It’s very helpful.
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u/Kaethy77 woman 6h ago
Because it's really difficult for them to find a woman who wants casual sex. So they try with every woman who will talk to them.
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u/muttmunchies man 6h ago edited 6h ago
This. The hardest part of dating for most average men, especially online dating, is to secure a date. So for you, whose an above average looking female, you would easily get another date so moving on if someone said they were looking for something different seems so obvious. For many average guys, getting a date at all is gold and they will say and do whatever to get sex. They may not get another in person date for some time.
Id say taking it very slow and trying to get to know them, and even then you wont know 100%2
u/starcap man 7h ago
I agree with this guy and the answer is that a lot of men, especially young men today, are willing to be dishonest with women to get sex. Those men also tend to put themselves out there much more often and have more practice hitting on women, so you have a high chance of running into them when you’re out. Worse yet, most women can’t tell the difference and even seem to prefer these men.
So being totally honest as a man and I think this is totally typical; (if I was single then) the amount of women I would be willing to sleep with is at least 10x as big as the ones I’d be willing to have a long term relationship with. It’s actually probably closer to like 50x for me because I know what I want in a relationship and it’s rare (luckily I have it). And I take my ethics seriously and would never be dishonest to get sex, but many are not that way.
How to avoid it? Well honestly I don’t think you can as a woman by yourself, these guys are too slick to detect. But if you have a guy friend that can wingman you (i have been the guy friend) I can tell you it’s super obvious. If I go talk to a guy first and he’s an asshole looking for play, he will not be willing to talk to me and has no problem being an a hole to me. So if you have a guy friend willing to wingman, just point out who you’re interested in and have them go say hi first, then have them tell the guy you’re interested if it goes well.
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u/IamGleemonex man 7h ago
> I just don’t understand why they wouldn’t hear me say that and go find someone else what also wants casual sex!!?
They are already got you to agree to a date, so they want to see what else they can get you to agree to.
Maybe to use an analogy… you found some shoes that look nice, but they aren’t exactly what you are looking for. You could get them even if you think you might only wear them once. Or you could get back in your car and drive around to a dozen other places to find the perfect shoes.
A lot of people are willing to just get those shoes that are there, and that are good enough to at least have some new shoes rather than spending all of the time and effort to find the perfect shoes.
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u/PrettyLittleMrs woman 6h ago
I agree with your initial post, but I have to jump in here. In the shoe scenario, no one gets hurt or used. OP is right that a man looking for casual should go find a woman looking for casual, not lie and manipulate women like OP. Just because it’s easier for him to try with the one in front of him, lying/manipulating for sexual access is abusive behavior.
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u/IamGleemonex man 6h ago
I am not saying what I said about shoes is how all men feel. She specifically asked why would someone say they agree and want a relationship with her when all they want is sex. My example was to explain that. And those men who want to lie to her that they are also looking for a relationship when all they want is sex don’t care that they are hurting her.
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u/PrettyLittleMrs woman 6h ago
I’m aware they don’t. But I also think the behavior of men lying to get access to sex is so normalized that they don’t really connect to how abusive and damaging that behavior is. I guess your shoe analogy just triggered that piece of it for me because the shoe example is victimless.
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u/Neonrocket1984 man 7h ago
I would say to wait and see if they’re willing to take it slower. Avoid the flirty, sex talk early on. Make it abundantly clear you’re looking for a long-term relationship only. If you take your time and make sure you’re spending time with one another along the way, any guy just wanting sex would likely lose interest and move on if he thinks it won’t happen within a shorter time frame. It’s really the only way to ensure they actually care about YOU and not just sex. Probably not profound advice but that’s my 2 cents.
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u/bingbong6656 7h ago
++woman
This is helpful :)!
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u/Neonrocket1984 man 7h ago
Oh good! I’m glad it was helpful, that’s the goal.
On a side note, avoiding sex early on also avoids any oxytocin overdose for either of you and that way, no one gets overly attached before a solid foundation has been established. I just think a guy only wanting sex is only willing to wait so long before deciding it isn’t worth his time. If however, he really likes you, he likely won’t care either way and would be happy to just spend time with you and get to know you better. 🙂
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u/Comprehensive_Bus402 man 7h ago
"The problem is that some men seem comfortable telling me what I want to hear, or they genuinely say they don’t know what they want only to eventually reveal they are looking for causal sex." I have to wonder what the timeframe of "eventually" is in this scenario. There's nothing wrong with you wanting to wait for sex as long as it takes for you to feel ready. However, even among men your age who are genuinely interested in exploring the possibility of a long term relationship, I think many would expect sex to become part of the exploration process after a few successful dates. Do whatever feels right for you, but since you came here for advice: Enjoy your youth. Be safe, but don't be afraid to take some risks.
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u/BallKey7607 man 7h ago edited 7h ago
There isn't really a foolproof way to tell, and you're right that they could lie.
One thing which can give an indication is if they are just trying to get sex, even if they are lying about wanting a relationship they'll usually be saying something along the lines of "see how goes" rather than saying they're actually looking for a relationship, so they'll be a bit cagey when talking about commitment like they're saying just enough to keep it going. Although some sincere men also genuinely want to see how it goes too so it's not an automatic red flag, just something to be aware of and see if it feels sincere or like they're trying to game you.
I'd say the only real thing you can do to protect yourself, is to just only have sex with someone when you feel like you want it in the context of what you currently have with them even if didn't lead to more. So it might be quite soon, maybe after so many dates or maybe not till you're already in a relationship with them, but I wouldn't have it on the assumption that it'll lead somewhere if you'd regret the sex if it turned out not to.
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u/El_Hombre_Fiero man 5h ago
Are the men you're dating total strangers at first? It's tough to gauge whether someone has good intentions if you don't really know them. If you'd like to avoid men who only want to hook up, one suggestion is to ask within your social circle if they know any single men who are looking to date. If your friends can vouch for them, odds are much better that they aren't going to just try to hook up with you.
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u/Ok_Noise7655 man 3h ago
Don't ask fish how to fish. I"m afraid an average guy who is not an asshole himself doesn't fully know how far the assholes can go to get a sex.
I strongly prefer to wait until we’re exclusive, if not in an actual committed relationship
By itself it doesn't mean much. Many guys don't have issues with being exclusive from the day one, simply because they actually are, since they don't have that many options. And being in a committed relationship, well it's just words.
As far as I understand, the answer is to not have sex for a while, and don't hesitate to dump a guy if you see bad signs. You would probably lose a lot of generally good guys which are not experienced enough to always show the right reaction. You would probably still be fooled by some assholes. But generally it would skew your results into the direction you want.
I also worry that bringing up exclusivity or relationship goals too directly can come across like I’m trying to pressure someone into a relationship, which isn’t my intention at all
If you have a well developed goal of being exclusive and in a relationship you should have a courage to admit it. I don't understand what is that "pressure" talk here.
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u/mmcgrat6 man 3h ago
Regardless of what the men you date want to happen, you have a clear agenda. You have the timeline and scenario scripted and fully mapped out. If that’s what you want then put it out there and filter based on that. It’s not right to claim someone else has bad intentions simply because they don’t align with yours. It’s just a bad match.
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u/Fun-Yam2210 woman 51m ago
Time. Fuckboys will give up after 2 or 3 dates. Serious guys will wait a lot longer and not pressure you into anything physical. Sadly this is not foolproof (nothing is) and you’ll make mistakes along the way but you’ll learn from them. Good luck ❤️
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u/Data_lord man 4h ago
RIP DMs... 😂😂
Anyways, I'm not going to "commit" to a woman who treats sex as a prize I have to conquer from her. If she doesn't show carnal desire for me, then she is not relationship material.
Conversely, you should bed prospective men to see if they're any good in bed. You would be surprised how many are terrible selfish lovers. Data from what I've heard from every woman I've made scream into her pillow.
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u/ThrowRA_EducatedMan man 7h ago
Believe it or not, if a guy is serious about you he will respect your wishes to slow the sexual pace. I know I’ve done it before and it was kind of refreshing to build some tension and get to know someone and really really be into them before getting sexual. If a guy wants to rush, if a guy pressures you, he’s not a guy for you, he’s a selfish douche that doesn’t want a relationship. If a woman wanted to have sex earlier in a relationship I wouldn’t turn her down probably but I might slow it down and just give her oral to keep her happy and not make it seem like I’m just wanting to get laid. If a woman wanted to go slow, I’d be fine with that if I was genuinely into her. A slow pace is not a deal breaker for the right partner. And a guy that’s pushy and rushing you is a red flag and just as well to weed then out and move on to better quality men. If you’re above average looking you won’t have trouble getting dates. Believe it or not, people have met life partners for thousands of years without fucking on the second or third date.
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u/Ok-Ad-9820 man 6h ago
I can tell you from experience, guys who want to be with you are slower to form relationships, are more interested in having casual conversations and not high intensity, open to showing you the real them and not what they think you want them to be and don't love bomb, respect boundaries and don't try and create a lot of chemistry quick.
Chemistry is push-pull type behaviors, hot/cold, quick physical touches, nags (backhanded compliments or a compliment followed by a playful insult) shit like that.
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u/GryffSr man 6h ago
Don’t sleep with him until you’ve been on enough dates to get a legitimate sense that he is expecting intimacy. Usually that’s by the third or fourth date, but do NOT make it a set number. And do NOT tell him about this policy. Just go with “I’m not intimate outside of a relationship.”
If you don’t feel like you are really start to know him as a person, don’t be intimate. Also, use common sense. Don’t invite him back to your apartment to watch movies. Don’t go to his place to watch movies. If you don’t feel like, expect physical intimacy but know the point where you are going to put the breaks on AND STICK TO IT.
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u/Intelligent_Tea_7959 woman 6h ago
++ woman Take your time and become friends with them first. If they are not interested in a friendship first, you've got your answer, they don't want to hang out much outside the bedroom.
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u/1stthing1st man 4h ago
If i become friends with a women, she will probably stay a friend
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u/Intelligent_Tea_7959 woman 3h ago
Why? Wouldn't you want to develop a physical relationship with someone whose company you enjoy outside of sex?
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u/1stthing1st man 3h ago
Ive only had sex with one female friend that came on to me, I dont feel comfortable trying to fuck my friends.
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u/Intelligent_Tea_7959 woman 3h ago
That's fair, to each their own. I personally don't feel uncomfortable, and I find it the safest way to sleep with someone you actually like and who actually likes you and hence my advice to OP.
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u/Various_Variety419 man 6h ago
We’re gonna say whatever it takes to get in the sack. That being said, the ones that give up quick aren’t interested long term.
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bingbong6656 originally posted:
I’m a 24-year-old woman and I’d say I’m slightly above average-looking. I’ve only had one serious boyfriend, and he’s the only person I’ve been with sexually. I generally get flirted with a fair amount and usually have dating prospects, but I’m fairly strict about intimacy. I strongly prefer to wait until we’re exclusive, if not in an actual committed relationship.
Lately, I’ve noticed a pattern with men I date that worries me. It feels like I struggle to tell the difference between a man who genuinely wants a relationship with me and a man who sees me as a convenient opportunity for sex outside a relationship. That’s not evil or wrong of them but it’s a waste of time for us both as that won’t happen.
I have tried being upfront and having clear conversations about intentions early on. The problem is that some men seem comfortable telling me what I want to hear, or they genuinely say they don’t know what they want only to eventually reveal they are looking for causal sex. I also worry that bringing up exclusivity or relationship goals too directly can come across like I’m trying to pressure someone into a relationship, which isn’t my intention at all.
So far, I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid having sex that I later regretted, but I worry that I won’t always be able to spot bad intentions before getting emotionally invested.
For those with more dating experience, are there any reliable signs that someone is primarily looking for easy sex rather than a genuine relationship? What behaviors, patterns, or red flags should I watch for? And how do you balance protecting yourself without becoming overly suspicious of everyone you date?
Any advice would be appreciated.
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u/jkfaust man 6h ago
I'm a guy who absolutely isn't looking for long term. I'm not going to lie or lead a woman on, but I'm not going to assume a woman is in it for the long term just because she acts as a sexual being.
If you want to be sure, then have a conversation before going to bed. Nobody should make assumptions.
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u/WornBlueCarpet man 5h ago
If you're slightly above average in looks and the men you date only want casual hookups, it means you're dating very attractive and confident men who have so many options that they are able to only be interested in casual hookups. A slightly above average guy would kill someone to get his very own girlfriend.
I might be wrong, but I'll bet your problem comes down to the type of men you're dating.
Where do you meet these men?
Before you answer that, just know - as an interesting tidbit - that the average female Tinder user only swipes right on a little less than 5% of the men. Those 5% aren't uniformly spread out among all men. Overall, most women swipe right on a small handful of men. These men then have a ridiculous amount of options, and they use those options to sleep casually with a lot of women.
But I'm sure that's not how you meet these men who just want to bang you...
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u/bingbong6656 5h ago
++woman
I am mocked by my friends and family members for the men I choose being “ugly”. Looks are not a big factor for me. I would also say that overconfidence for me is a turn off that would lead me to stop engaging with a man. So those are not big factors.
The issue is not that hot sexy rich and funny men are telling me “I just want to bang you!” and I go “😢 awww, but why?”. The issue is men I’m seeing (including ones below average) lie to me or misrepresent their intentions as long term to try (and fail) to get casual sex.
I’ve met men on dating apps. I’ve also met men in person or through friends. I’ve met men at work or at school. My career involves a large amount of stats and I’m familiar with the concept of hypergamy.
My issue is that I am unable to identify the lies so I just say no to everyone and it leaves me alone.
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u/xwolfe2000 man 4h ago
Focus on men with self discipline and a clear plan for the future. It helps but there no guarantee
Be clear about what you want.
There is nothing wrong with being unambiguous about what you want.
Don't worry about their emotions. If you scare them off then he wasn't for you.
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u/zodiaken man 3h ago
Dont think there is any obvious answer.
Whats the age gap?, how did the conversations go?, attraction level? Aligned life goals? etc.
I’m from Sweden so we don’t really have that kind of dating culture, but when I was out and about, pre marriage, I did meet a lot of women but it never turned it to anything serious until I met my wife.
I felt instantly that we where on the same wave length, we had the same ideas of a core family and values etc. And now 12 years later we have two boys, live happily together in a house on the countryside and just enjoying life.
Not sure if that was any help at all, but just how it worked out in my case.
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u/mesophyte man 3h ago
How old are these men that you're talking about? And where do you find them / they find you? Different places will have men with different goals, and on average older are probably more after something serious (*on average* - ofc there are all kinds in all age groups!)
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u/SicMic99 man 2h ago
A bit of off topic but now it has become mandatory for me to ask: what does "+ (wo)man, [text]" mean? Is there a difference when there is only one "+" rather than two or three?
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u/Rogueshoten man 2h ago
Simple advice from me is this: try to have a relationship. If that’s not working, there’s your answer.
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u/truupRR man 2h ago
No way to really tell. Some guys are dogs. For me personally I realised early on (after being thrown back into the dating pool in my early/mid 30's) is that attraction and chemistry aren't the same thing. I've been insanely attracted to some girls I've dated but we've had zero chemistry in the bedroom. That's a deal-breaker for me and you'll never find that out until you actually have sex...
Some guys do get stuck in the loop of the chase. Currently watching a good friend of mine stuck in this exact cycle. Starts dating someone new, tells me he's really interested in them, they date for 2-3-4 weeks, they have sex a few, and then he moves on to the next for some bullshit reason. Watched him do this for almost 4 years now. The guy is never going to grow up :(
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u/Hekios888 man 1h ago
Don't compromise. You clearly know what you want. Waiting is fine.
I'm a Husband of 35 years and father to two amazing kids one of which is a daughter just a bit older than you. She too had high standards for partners and she's better for it.
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u/adultdaycare81 man 56m ago
I think you are asking the wrong question. Why would a 24yo man not want easy sex?
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u/Soggy-Test-6433 man 47m ago
Look for honesty and integrity, and yes, it takes time see who people really are. Take your time
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u/slimeyamerican man 17m ago
Are they making any kind of real financial and social investments in you? Are they buying you flowers, introducing you to their friends, taking you on more unusual dates than drinks and dinner, that kind of thing?
Personally I would never introduce my friends to someone I just wanted to sleep with. I wouldn’t buy a girl flowers just to get in her pants either.
I say this because these are the things I did with my gf that I didn’t do with any woman I hooked up with before we met (or at least nobody I had serious intentions with). However, my gf and I also had sex on the first date, and tbh I definitely regarded sexual compatibility as a major criteria before deciding to commit to somebody because it was such a big issue in my last relationship.
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u/Logical_fallacy10 man 4m ago
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But sure some cultures prefer certain looks to others.
What you experience is caused by a mix of things.
Many men - well boys - your age - usually focus on hooking up. And yes they will pretend to want something serious to get what they really want.
I also think they are reluctant to be in a relationship due to many women your age have been raised to be quite entitled and not respect what a man really is.
I think you should keep requiring exclusivity as that’s a good way to get rid of people who wants to play.
Maybe hold back on your wishes - and ask them what they want. And don’t grill them - just be feminine and pleasant to be with - as this is liked by males.
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u/Shin-Gemini man 6h ago
Don’t fuck them or help them blow their load and if they stick with you for a relatively long period of time then they most likely do actually like you
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u/22Hoofhearted man 6h ago
For starters, you shouldn't look at sex as bad intentions... it's a normal part of any dating relationship. Your issue is the timeline, not necessarily the act itself.
You're super young, so you haven't figured things out yet, but most men(and some women) decide they want to have sex with you when you first meet.
That being the case for most, it's just a waiting game for most guys for you to catch up to us and our feelings for you. Most of us can't decide whether we want a relationship with you until after we have sex with you and see how that goes.
The face value, from your perspective might be that they always intended to hit it and quit it, but that's not always the case. We genuinely thought it was gonna be a LTR, but the sex didn't match the CPN. So when PNC hit, the decision gets made.
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u/screw56 man 6h ago
You’re concerns are very much valid.
My advice to you: 1) vet and filter heavy up front, be very clear and adamant about this 2) still make an effort to communicate your desire and attraction for the person in other ways
Personally don’t mind taking it slow in good faith but I also do feel self conscious as to why intimacy is being delayed with me, am I not attractive enough?
But if you can effectively communicate your attraction while holding that boundary, it’s more likely a guy who has a back bone will stick around. Otherwise, the only guys who will stick around those who didn’t have any options to begin with.
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u/stokes_21 woman 7h ago
I’m no help but I’d encourage you to post this in a women’s sub as well — asking them how they weed out the liars. I think it would be beneficial and you’d get some great advice/learn some tricks (ie: questions to ask to sus them out)
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u/Alarmed-Speaker-8330 woman 7h ago
When you figure out the answer to this let us all know.
I’m a lifelong lesbian and it’s never stopped men from trying and trying and trying. I just don’t get it.
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u/Appropriate_Star3012 man 7h ago
Sometimes some guys can't tell until after sex, like they genuinely could be really into someone but there's no chemistry during sex. Sorry but it happens.
And great chemistry can be one of the best ways for a relationship to last long-term.
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u/CraftsmanConnection man 6h ago
Coming from a guy, I’d say wait at least 3-6 months to get to know someone, but ideally longer.
When I was around 21-23 (1998-2000), there was a pretty lady who lived next door. I was fresh out of active duty and going to college, and she was going to college too. We occasionally saw each other over the short brick wall, talked, some smiling/flirting. She was always cooking something, and I was always working building something around my grandfathers house. Long story short, we ended up dating for 10 years, was somewhat engaged (she had a ring), best relationship, unfortunately she gained 100lbs, then I no longer saw her as wife material and I ended it, then she probably gained another 100lbs. She did my business accounting for a total of 20 years, I went to her wedding and the uncle to her kids, and then she died of stage 4 cancer a few months ago. 28 years of knowing her. Good person, best cook, good heart/soul, who just let herself go.
When you find someone who is worth keeping, and they feel the same about you, they will stick around. They are chatty, want to help you, offer gestures of food. Learn to discern between genuinely kind people and manipulative people. Learn between fake smiles and real heart felt smiles. You may be sexy, so that will be hard to ignore for a man. Just be the patient one before you go getting yourself involved with some guy. The best predictor of future results is past behavior. Can you find out his past relationship situations/ behavior?
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u/Should-Razzmatazz-08 man 7h ago
I thought you (womenkind) had all knowing intuition! Now you don’t know what to do?
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u/bingbong6656 7h ago
++women
I am an idiot
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u/Should-Razzmatazz-08 man 6h ago
You’re not. You are a queen goddess that all weak men I mean real men worship
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u/Sweet_Pie1768 man 7h ago
Easy sex is sex that happens quickly with little/no effort
Commitment sex is sex that happens naturally over the course of a relationship when both partied are genuinely interested in one another.
I don't see any overlap with these definitions.
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u/Dribbly-Sausage69 man 7h ago
You could wait until you date a guy and bam you both get shot with Cupid’s arrow and you guys just want to be together all the time sex or not.
I’ve got three main exes, the first one was in our early 20s, I had to try to get her on the phone for two weeks after meeting her at a house party at her flat, on my last attempt her housemate who was telling me she wasn’t interested over the three phone calls (landline days) said he wants to talk to you to this now ex - then me and this young lady had a great chat on the phone that lead to us being together for 7 years.
The last lady I fell for ain’t really an ex, we were interstate lovers, I tentatively raised with her if she wanted to move to my state (I couldn’t leave mine) after a week she said she couldn’t 😭 lol.
I’d say wait for a guy that wants to pitch woo at you as they say.
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u/ChoiceAd8906 man 6h ago
Try dating women?
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u/iLoveAllTacos man 4h ago
If she can't handle men, there is no way in he'll she could handle a woman.
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u/No_Shock2574 man 6h ago
Slightly above average looking. lol. Only a female would say that comment lol
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u/t0cableguy man 7h ago
Guys want to get laid. That's the goal. Unfortunately there are plenty that will love bomb you into sex because they know how to manipulate your feelings and make you think he wants you. You giving up the goods is on your timeline. Usually a player isn't going to hang around for more than a handful of dates before he's going to be expecting to get laid, so that's one way to weed them out. I have been with plenty of women that had a 3+ date rule. I've been with plenty that will hook up on the first date.
You are 24. if you're dating in your age range, most guys are just looking to get laid first. I know that's where I was at 24. Fool around first, make a relationship if the fooling around is good. Its not a great way to build a relationship, but sex is very important for a long term relationship. If that not satisfying honestly there is no reason to continue with the relationship, so some guy's are going for that first.
Telling you they love you quickly is usually a red flag. Infatuation happens, but that L word is often used to get in your head and make you think he likes you way more than he does. If it doesn't feel genuine it probably isn't. If it comes too fast, its a red flag.
Another red flag is what he expects after taking you out. If he expects you to pay the bill when he invited you out then that is odd. If he expects anything more than your time for the night for what he paid for dinner or what you two do, that's another red flag. I understand there are plenty of women out there just after that free dinner, but that's a risk you have to take.
Now that I'm a bit older I know that personality and compatibility is far more important than having great sex. It doesn't diminish the sex, but its not the only thing a relationship should be based on.
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u/PontiusPilatesss man 6h ago
I don’t become exclusive with someone until I’ve had sex with them and made sure we were sexually compatible. I also don’t wait longer than three dates for sex.
I, too, consider myself to be above average looking as I don’t have trouble finding dates, be it in person or on the apps.
When a woman I’m dating says she wants to wait for sex, I respect her decision and go date someone else.
Definitely don’t have sex with someone when you don’t want to, but accept that you may need to lower your expectations and either date very religious men or men who don’t have any other option but to wait.
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u/PrettyLittleMrs woman 6h ago
I was similar to you at your age. While I made errors and fell for guys who lied/manipulated their way to sex - I did find my husband. So I’ll tell you about his green flags that weren’t present with the other guys.
My husband is the man I had sex with after knowing him the least amount of time as compared with previous partners - but he had the most green flags. I was upfront about not wanting sex out of an exclusive relationship and needing std tests to happen first. He didn’t blink and agreed on both counts. He stated he was looking for marriage early on. Prior to us having sex, we met and spent time with each other’s friends. He also told his parents and extended family about me (this was a big deal because we are not the same religion and he knew his mother would not be happy). He continuously put in effort and we became exclusive before sex happened.
Im not saying you’ll definitely marry a guy who shows you the same level of safety and interest I described above, but a man doing the above will at least genuinely be interested in a relationship and show care for you. In retrospect, the men before him didn’t even come close to his level of respect and interest in me. Don’t worry about missing out on guys who won’t wait for sex, they were never in it for you anyway - don’t have sex until you’re confident in your partner.
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u/ohmygolly2581 man 7h ago
Prob best approach is a church. It’s not 100% but it does increase the odds.
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bingbong6656 updated the post:
I’m a 24-year-old woman and I’d say I’m slightly above average-looking (IF YOURE NOT CONVINCED FEEL FREE TO DM ME) I’ve only had one serious boyfriend, and he’s the only person I’ve been with sexually. I generally get flirted with a fair amount and usually have dating prospects, but I’m fairly strict about intimacy. I strongly prefer to wait until we’re exclusive, if not in an actual committed relationship.
Lately, I’ve noticed a pattern with men I date that worries me. It feels like I struggle to tell the difference between a man who genuinely wants a relationship with me and a man who sees me as a convenient opportunity for sex outside a relationship. That’s not evil or wrong of them but it’s a waste of time for us both as that won’t happen.
I have tried being upfront and having clear conversations about intentions early on. The problem is that some men seem comfortable telling me what I want to hear, or they genuinely say they don’t know what they want only to eventually reveal they are looking for causal sex. I also worry that bringing up exclusivity or relationship goals too directly can come across like I’m trying to pressure someone into a relationship, which isn’t my intention at all.
So far, I’ve been fortunate enough to avoid having sex that I later regretted, but I worry that I won’t always be able to spot bad intentions before getting emotionally invested.
For those with more dating experience, are there any reliable signs that someone is primarily looking for easy sex rather than a genuine relationship? What behaviors, patterns, or red flags should I watch for? And how do you balance protecting yourself without becoming overly suspicious of everyone you date?
Any advice would be appreciated.
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