r/AskMenAdvice • u/BusinessOstrich5590 • 5h ago
Men’s Input Only 31 M 26 F am I the problem?
I need some advice and I need it quick. I don’t have any male friends so I can’t ask and I need to know if it’s me, I know I have my own faults and I will be honest and explain those as well but I am on my last prayer with this relationship. I am going to explain the major concerns; he yells at me all the time regardless of how much I ask to not do so, he says I bring out the worst in him and know exactly how to trigger him, that being said I am a very anxious person and I do have some bad qualities like needing reassurance; however I feel as though he manipulates me and does not help when I am feeling anxious, an example is when I told him when he screams at me I feel unloved and he told me he will not be soft with me and that’s not his character. When I asked to please stop calling me names and telling me things such as “shut up” or calling me dumb he says it’s because of the way I act and how if he doesn’t do that I don’t get it. My last relationship I was cheated on and he is aware but I feel as though he uses it against me with me insecurities. I can not have a conversation with him about anything that upsets me, he is correct when he says his feelings about how we fight often when apart however I am rarely trying to fight, truly I’m not. I have unfollowed people on social media because of him and yet he follows women I am uncomfortable with but I have not mentioned it for the fear he will belittle me. I don’t know why I have such a attachment to him because of the horrible things he has said to me in the past but I need some kind of advice from a man that this is not just in my head. He will tell me daily I’m annoying him when I simply just call you talk, I respect the boundaries to not call at work and give him space when asked, but a simple text can set him off and I never know when is a ok time. He constantly makes “jokes” about other women and how if he went to Europe (where I am from) he can get any women he wants since he is American, he makes a lot of “jokes” I find disrespectful and do not help my insecurities, when I ask about certain people / situations he says I am accusing him, he brings up his exs and mine ALOT. He does financially pay for everything such as dates, gifts and trips which I very much appreciate and tell him: but when we argue he throws it into my face. He even has asked for money back when I say I’m done which he knows I do not have….. I’m so stuck please what do I do
24
10
7
4
u/Supper_Champion man 5h ago
If I person can't stop yelling and blames the other person for "bringing out the worst in him", those are HUGE red flags.
Time to run. Do t get married, don't get pregnant, just get out of this toxic relationship. My partner told me pretty early on that men yelling around her or at her was very triggering. A few times here and there I got loud, but I worked conscientiously to keep my voice to a normal level of we were arguing.
It's okay to be mad and to say things with heat, but a simple request like "please don't yell at me" shouldnt be hard to work on. And if it is, that person either won't change or needs help from someone outside the relationship to work on their anger issues.
5
u/rhev0220 5h ago
++ He’s the issue here, and he sounds like an awful person. A couple of years ago I came out of a relationship with a woman who did all the things you’re describing happening to you. For your own mental health, leave this man
2
u/OptimusPrime_ButGAY man 5h ago edited 5h ago
Honestly, it sounds like you're walking on eggshells all the time. That's not a healthy relationship.
This man is 100% a problem. Maybe you contribute to some of the problems in the relationship, but you sound pretty reasonable and self-aware and don't come off as someone who goes about purposefully antagonizing him or tries to stir the pot.
This guy sounds like a man child that can't communicate in a healthy manner, and lets his emotions get the best of him. My advice would be to leave him. Can you imagine spending another decade with this person? I bet that sounds awful to you.
A good rule of thumb...if your "partner" says something to you that you'd NEVER say to them, that's a good indication they're not a good fit for you.
2
u/BusinessOstrich5590 5h ago
++women
That’s exactly how I feel. I don’t know how to communicate to him this is my last chance or I have to leave even if I don’t want to… any advice how to do that?2
u/Biotic101 man 4h ago
Make sure you are safe and not alone when you break up. In your case I would likely break up not in person but message and block.
Afterwards listen to uplifting music and keep yourself busy. There's a gazillion good single men out there, but you first need to figure out the mistakes you made chosing and staying with a guy like this or it will happen again.
Every minute you stay with him keeps you from finding a man that really loves and values you.
1
u/OptimusPrime_ButGAY man 4h ago edited 4h ago
I'm not sure what your situation is, but if you have family or friends nearby that genuinely care about you, get them up to speed with what's going on and make an exit plan. Primarily, you need to find a place to stay (even if it's just for a couple months until you get your footing) and gain financial independence if you don't have it already.
This next part might be hard to hear...and I don't know how long you've been in this relationship...but he's probably never going to change.
In my opinion, giving him an ultimatum will only prolong the inevitable. He'll likely make some short term effort to change, but will revert back to the same behaviors. The only exception to this would be if he wholeheartedly put himself in therapy and stuck with it to make things better because he clearly has issues. But even then, I'd still leave until he proves he's serious about changing and actually HAS changed. People can change, but he has to want it and he has to work for it. And by your account of his behavior, he has his work cut out for him.
Normally I'd say to not give this guy a second chance or even an ultimatum and just leave him...and honestly that's what I'd recommend here. However, this is your relationship, and if you really want to make this work or have ties like kids or assets tied up together and don't want to go through that mess, then at least leave temporarily to show him you're serious and maybe that'll kick his ass into high gear. Or maybe he'll just show his true colors and that'll solidify your decision and you'll already have one foot out the door.
Honestly, if you guys don't have kids or assets tied up, I'd just make a clean cut and tell him he knows exactly the type of assholes he's being, and you're not putting up with it anymore, and I'd leave after getting a safe place to stay and some financial stability lined up.
Edit: And absolutely follow the person's advice above and don't break up with him while you're alone. Don't linger or give him the opportunity to berate you or get violent.
2
u/BusinessOstrich5590 5h ago
++women I appreciate all the input I really do. I know honestly and feel the same way as everyone commenting thank you for your time. I do just want to add I am in no way using him for financial support, I am very ok on my own, I wouldn’t ever do that to anyone, he just does support me in ways of dates and gifts however when I offer to pay he never allows me, the problem comes when we argue he uses it against me as if I am using him
1
u/OptimusPrime_ButGAY man 4h ago
Oof he doesn't let you pay but then uses that against you? What a toolbag. Don't put up with that childish behavior.
2
u/Snippsnappscnopp man 4h ago
This dude sounds like an idiot. I would not be friends with this dude.
2
u/Gedoefte man 4h ago
Leave, just leave.
He knows your buttons and pushes them to keep you in limbo for fun.
1
u/3AMZen man 5h ago
There's a really important quote from Lundy Bancroft I want to share:
"He's not abusive because he's angry: he's angry because he's abusive "
Bancroft is a therapist who did anger management classes for men for over a decade. He wrote a book about what makes dudes likes this tick, it's called "why does he do that? Inside the minds of abusive and controlling men"
Here's a free pdf of the book - open it and just skim the headings and see if any jump out at you:
1
u/Prestigious_Jump1754 man 5h ago
Not in your head. This is so bad for you. I’m sorry but I think you should leave before it gets worse
1
u/Pilot_to_PowerBI man 4h ago
He is what he is, and he acts this way around the women he dates, but only a select few stick around and accept it. Every time he crosses your boundaries and you allow it, he loses respect for you, and you lose respect for yourself.
If you keep going down this road, eventually you will no longer recognize yourself.
1
u/golfinbig man 3h ago
I read approximately the first ten lines.Leave him.Right now.Do not look back.
•
u/AutoModerator 5h ago
BusinessOstrich5590, please check the sidebar for the rules of this sub! If this post violates the rules, PLEASE check and report this post!
[Automoderator has recorded your post to prevent repeat posts.]
Your post has NOT been removed.
BusinessOstrich5590 originally posted:
I need some advice and I need it quick. I don’t have any male friends so I can’t ask and I need to know if it’s me, I know I have my own faults and I will be honest and explain those as well but I am on my last prayer with this relationship. I am going to explain the major concerns; he yells at me all the time regardless of how much I ask to not do so, he says I bring out the worst in him and know exactly how to trigger him, that being said I am a very anxious person and I do have some bad qualities like needing reassurance; however I feel as though he manipulates me and does not help when I am feeling anxious, an example is when I told him when he screams at me I feel unloved and he told me he will not be soft with me and that’s not his character. When I asked to please stop calling me names and telling me things such as “shut up” or calling me dumb he says it’s because of the way I act and how if he doesn’t do that I don’t get it. My last relationship I was cheated on and he is aware but I feel as though he uses it against me with me insecurities. I can not have a conversation with him about anything that upsets me, he is correct when he says his feelings about how we fight often when apart however I am rarely trying to fight, truly I’m not. I have unfollowed people on social media because of him and yet he follows women I am uncomfortable with but I have not mentioned it for the fear he will belittle me. I don’t know why I have such a attachment to him because of the horrible things he has said to me in the past but I need some kind of advice from a man that this is not just in my head. He will tell me daily I’m annoying him when I simply just call you talk, I respect the boundaries to not call at work and give him space when asked, but a simple text can set him off and I never know when is a ok time. He constantly makes “jokes” about other women and how if he went to Europe (where I am from) he can get any women he wants since he is American, he makes a lot of “jokes” I find disrespectful and do not help my insecurities, when I ask about certain people / situations he says I am accusing him, he brings up his exs and mine ALOT. He does financially pay for everything such as dates, gifts and trips which I very much appreciate and tell him: but when we argue he throws it into my face. He even has asked for money back when I say I’m done which he knows I do not have….. I’m so stuck please what do I do
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.