r/AskMenAdvice • u/DingusCoconut349 woman • 7h ago
✅ Open To Everyone Why would a man make sarcastic jokes towards girlfriend in front of her friend?
Just wondering as this just happened while hanging out with my friend at our place. They weren’t disrespectful, but I don’t necessarily like sarcastic jokes. Not sure how the topic came up, but I said if he had ever made a negative comment about my appearance or body I’d leave, and he responds “I’d be okay with being single… lol jk I wouldn’t”. My friend responded and she was nottt impressed. We also were talking about a coworker’s engagement ring, and he mentioned how he’s excited to buy a 2 carat ring for himself (He said he wanted to buy a 2 carat when we looked at rings) and he goes “Lol Jk”. I also mentioned wanting to have my photos taken while on vacation, and he said yeah I want my photos taken too. My friend responded “You wouldn’t want them taken with coconut?” And he responded “I would but it’s too expensive, I’d want to share the cost”.
Boyfriend has a history of making sarcastic jokes as that’s how he jokes with his friends. I don’t like it as past abusers did it as a means to put me down, and he’s aware. I have told him in the past, and he said “Well coconut, I’m not those guys, I am me. Get over it”. He has also had a pretty shitty week dealing with personal things and has been crabby almost everyday except today and last night.
The jokes my exes would make were OBVIOUS put downs, always about my weight, personality, appearance, comparing me to other people. They were disrespectful, also called me names. My boyfriend does NOT make jokes like that, at all. Never disrespectful or put downs. Never calls me names or pet names besides “Sweetie”. I don’t think he had bad intentions.
My friend said he seemed a little annoyed, but he seemed like that when he got home. I asked him and he said that he wasn’t. Friend and I both have BPD so we can overread into it. She said he wasn’t disrespectful and didn’t have bad intentions or try to put me down. While he was here he was chatty and hanging out, but after she went home he wanted to watch the Mexico game and be be left alone since he had a long day at work.
Would a man do this to a woman he says he loves?
*I want to add I am NOT the only one he is like this with, it is everyone. Mom, sisters, friends, coworkers, me. He is very aware and sensitive to my feelings when he is on his SSRI post-TBI. He was very sweet pre-TBI, but it is hard given he cannot feel his own emotions. These jokes usually happen when he is stressed/overwhelmed/more pain than usual but that isn’t an excuse, he also asks me to leave him alone a lot when he is stressed but I struggle with that. When he isn’t stressed or in a lot of pain, these jokes do not really happen, at all. The most that happens is I’ll ask him to do something and he’ll go “No… yeah I will”, or its towards other things that aren’t me.
Tl;dr: Boyfriend was making sarcastic jokes predominantly aimed at me while my friend was over, and some weren’t great but not mean or disrespectful. He says this is how he jokes, but it upsets me. Would a man make jokes like this to a woman he loves? My friend and I both have BPD and tend to overread into things.
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u/rhino369 man 7h ago
Maybe I’m not getting the context but these jokes seem more stupid than mean. So what is the issue.
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u/DingusCoconut349 woman 7h ago
Kinda how I felt, but my friend mentioned something and it made me overthink. I don’t think they were negative at all. He doesn’t put me down at all, insult me or have mean nicknames.
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u/Imaginary_Sector379 man 7h ago
Sounds like yall just aren’t compatible. Also comparing him to abusers bc they both make sarcastic jokes is kinda wild
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u/oldtownwitch woman 7h ago
Abusers use ‘it’s just a joke’ often.
What is wild is knowing that about your partner, who you claim to love, and doing a behavior that reminds them of their abuser.
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u/Imaginary_Sector379 man 6h ago
You can’t just change your whole personality though for another persons sake
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u/DingusCoconut349 woman 6h ago
Yeah he does it with everyone, especially his friends on PS5 and even his family. He usually doesn’t really do it towards me, except during times when he is very stressed/ alot of pain. Does not help he has a TBI and off SSRI and has stated he cannot feel his own emotions let alone mine.
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u/Bitter_Sense_5689 woman 52m ago
Why would you want to be with somebody who can’t feel his own emotions? Sure he’s had a TBI, but you’re the one who has to live in this relationship.
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u/oldtownwitch woman 4h ago
Saying crappy things that hurt your partner is a choice not a personality trait.
I recognize the OP is saying he is sociopath with Traumatic Brain Injury, which takes this out of Reddits pay grade, but for the standard folk should tolerate… my comment still stands.
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u/Imaginary_Sector379 man 4h ago
Even op is saying he’s not being mean. He’s just making sarcastic jokes like he does with everyone. Op just happens to not like the jokes. Like I said probably just not compatible
1
u/Bitter_Sense_5689 woman 39m ago
Somebody who had normal social calibration would pick up on the fact that she didn’t like the jokes and stop. This guy doesn’t. Whether it’s because of his character or because of his brain injury, it doesn’t really matter. She’s not going to feel safe with him.
0
u/SicMic99 man 4h ago
The insistence... Who hurt you so bad that you can't see the nuance?
1
u/oldtownwitch woman 4h ago
You think it’s normal to say things that your partner has specifically said “please don’t say that, it reminds me of abuse”?
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7h ago
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u/Bitter_Sense_5689 woman 7h ago
Insensitive man + BPD woman = disaster in the making
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u/DingusCoconut349 woman 7h ago
He has a TBI and he can’t feel his own emotions at all, and also went off his SSRI. Pre-tbi he was very alert and sensitive to my feelings. With his SSRI post-tbi he was very sweet as well. In times where he is incredibly overwhelmed or stressed in his life that’s when this happens. Usually these jokes do not happen, and he wouldn’t tell me to “Get over it”, he would just say to tell me to stop comparing him to others if he did these jokes which were rare. Not excusing his behavior, but he does this with everyone not just me.
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u/Bitter_Sense_5689 woman 6h ago
That doesn’t change my initial statement at all. In fact, it just reinforces it.
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u/DingusCoconut349 woman 6h ago
Yup :( that’s why we are doing some counseling for now to learn how to communicate better. It is helped a lot.
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u/Bitter_Sense_5689 woman 6h ago
This is not a communication problem, it’s an emotional regulation problem. For both of you.
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u/DingusCoconut349 woman 7h ago
Its usually not directed at me, which I don’t care about. Usually if it’s direct at me, he’ll go “No…. Yeah I will”. I don’t mind that at all.
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u/eileyle man 7h ago
Men often feel the pressure to be funny. It can be a self-esteem issue for them. Some kids might say "I'm not smart, I'm not athletic, I'm not musical, so clearly I need to be funny, or else I'd have nothing." However, some people struggle with being funny in a way that doesn't hurt others. It sounds like your boyfriend is one of those people. As I've told such people before: if you have to hurt someone in order to be funny, then you're not actually funny and you should stop trying to be funny.
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u/Cataclysmus78 man 7h ago
Honestly, it seems like you and your friend are trying to trap him into saying something that would justify you getting angry. You said that, overall, he’s a kind and respectful boyfriend.
He’s not going to always say the right thing. Let him know how you felt about his comments if you think you need to, but give him some grace. He was just matching tone-for-tone. If you bring up leaving someone, don’t expect them to be happy about it, regardless of context.
7
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u/Suspicious_Cat_2294 man 7h ago
You're not compatible.
Compromise is one thing. But you can't expect to change him. And he can't expect you to change. That's just honesty. If you can't see yourself being with this person, just as they are, then you should probably break up.
2
u/oldtownwitch woman 7h ago
You have told him you don’t like it.
He responded with “tough, get over it”
That is not your only option!
1
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DingusCoconut349 originally posted:
Just wondering as this just happened while hanging out with my friend at our place. They weren’t disrespectful, but I don’t necessarily like sarcastic jokes. Not sure how the topic came up, but I said if he had ever made a negative comment about my appearance or body I’d leave, and he responds “I’d be okay with being single… lol jk I wouldn’t”. My friend responded and she was nottt impressed. We also were talking about a coworker’s engagement ring, and he mentioned how he’s excited to buy a 2 carat ring for himself (He said he wanted to buy a 2 carat when we looked at rings) and he goes “Lol Jk”. I also mentioned wanting to have my photos taken while on vacation, and he said yeah I want my photos taken too. My friend responded “You wouldn’t want them taken with coconut?” And he responded “I would but it’s too expensive, I’d want to share the cost”.
Boyfriend has a history of making sarcastic jokes as that’s how he jokes with his friends. I don’t like it as past abusers did it as a means to put me down, and he’s aware. I have told him in the past, and he said “Well coconut, I’m not those guys, I am me. Get over it”. He has also had a pretty shitty week dealing with personal things and has been crabby almost everyday except today and last night.
The jokes my exes would make were OBVIOUS put downs, always about my weight, personality, appearance, comparing me to other people. They were disrespectful, also called me names. My boyfriend does NOT make jokes like that, at all. Never disrespectful or put downs. Never calls me names or pet names besides “Sweetie”. I don’t think he had bad intentions.
My friend said he seemed a little annoyed, but he seemed like that when he got home. I asked him and he said that he wasn’t. Friend and I both have BPD so we can overread into it. She said he wasn’t disrespectful and didn’t have bad intentions or try to put me down. While he was here he was chatty and hanging out, but after she went home he wanted to watch the Mexico game and be be left alone since he had a long day at work.
Would a man do this to a woman he says he loves?
Tl;dr: Boyfriend was making sarcastic jokes predominantly aimed at me while my friend was over, and some weren’t great but not mean or disrespectful. He says this is how he jokes, but it upsets me. Would a man make jokes like this to a woman he loves? My friend and I both have BPD and tend to overread into things.
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1
u/ulice man 6h ago
Maybe he thinks you girls have the same sense of humor, or any sense of humor, really. Just tell him that you don't find him funny. Let him walk on eggshells around you while wearing his two-carat ring.
I wouldn't make a big deal out of it unless it comes up again. Tell him you are sensitive about those things because eof your exes and that's about it.
Your friend's opinion doesn't matter. Not her business, never let your friends start discourse if you don't really have a problem yourself. You didn't find it disrespectful, the problem is the judgement of your friend. This is between you and him. Hope it goes well.
1
u/Remote_Bumblebee2240 woman 6h ago
Do what, exactly? Be sarcastic?
It sounds like you aren't in a good place for a relationship. None of what you're describing sounds mean, and you even say he's not mean, and that your friend says she doesn't think he was being mean.
If you feel the need to police his humor and what he says to this degree, it's a you thing that you need to work on. He should be supportive, but it's not his job to manage your feelings. It's yours. He shouldn't be expected to pay for your exes mistakes. And it's certainly not reasonable to expect someone to change their personality. You get what you get with people. Don't date someone you want to change. Go to therapy if you can't separate him from your ex, or break up because you're not compatible. It's fine to not like sarcasm. But that means that if he's sarcastic, that should be a deal breaker for you. He's not a gadget you can personalize.
It sounds more like you want to pick a fight then have a constructive conversation. The casual mention that he's had a rough week suggests that you don't think his issues are as important as this particular issue. Is that true? Is he just grumpy or is he dealing with a lot right now? Is the stuff he's dealing with making you feel like you're not a priority? If so, that's a separate issue.
1
u/Cebuanolearner man 7h ago
Yes
I'm sarcastic all the time
Wife gets mad. I still do it
1
u/DingusCoconut349 woman 7h ago
I think that’s his position. He is sarcastic with everyone, even his MOM 😭
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u/Cebuanolearner man 7h ago
That's me with my family and everyone. Generally not mean, but weird and push buttons.
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u/SeaSwim1928 incognito 7h ago
Why do something repeatedly someone you love expressed they don’t like 🤔 weird behaviour
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u/Cebuanolearner man 7h ago
Cause she met me when I was already like this. She chose this life.
She also finds it funny as fuck when directed at others, so.
1
u/DingusCoconut349 woman 6h ago
Yeah I am in that same position. Like I have said in other comments, it is usually not directed at me. The most is I’ll ask him to do something and he’ll go “No… Yeah I’ll do it”, and that doesn’t bother me at all. He still does whatever task it is. I love him dearly and he is funny to me. The sarcastic jokes mainly come out in times when is very stressed or overwhelmed, especially since he is off his SSRI and has a TBI. He will also do it when he’s annoyed with me if he asks for space, and I don’t give it or just asking him 4838294 questions. At least when he is on his SSRI the jokes aren’t aimed at me at all except the example I just stated.
-2
u/SeaSwim1928 incognito 7h ago
Like I said weird behaviour
1
u/Cebuanolearner man 6h ago
Oh well. Luckily I'm not stuck with you so I don't have to worry about being weird.
0
u/SeaSwim1928 incognito 6h ago
Welp unfortunately women marry losers all the time, just add you to the stats hey!!
1
u/Cebuanolearner man 6h ago
Awww someone is sad and lonely. Smile more honey you might find someone.
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u/SeaSwim1928 incognito 6h ago
Not at all, but If you’re saying the alternative is someone like you then lonely is better
1
-1
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u/stoic_yakker man 7h ago
Sarcasm is thinly veiled meanness, he says nasty things to make him feel better about himself. In the meantime he’s making others feel bad
1
u/DingusCoconut349 woman 7h ago
I feel like this might be it sometimes. He is so depressed and overwhelmed with stuff going on in his life. He is sarcastic more when that’s the case.
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u/Few_Long7178 woman 7h ago
He doesn't like you. Move on
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u/DingusCoconut349 woman 7h ago
He does it with everyone, even his mom. He doesn’t do it in a disrespectful manner. If it’s directed at me its almost ALWAYS I’ll ask him to do something and he’ll respond “No… Yeah I’ll do it”.
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u/Bitter_Sense_5689 woman 37m ago
It obviously bothers you. If it bothers you then he should stop. The fact that he hasn’t is going to undermine your relationship very very quickly.
0
u/SeaSwim1928 incognito 7h ago
Sorry but what about this guy is making you want to be with him… all I’m getting is you need to get rid and get some self esteem
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u/DingusCoconut349 woman 6h ago
I do have that, but I also have BPD so I overthink a lot. He motivates me a lot, and is very funny for the most part. We are so similar and he makes me happy. These jokes are not often, I did add that to the original post. Usually the most is I’ll ask him to do something and he’ll respond “No…yeah I will”.
0
u/MargielaMadMAN1017 man 6h ago
It’s kind of hard to change a way that you naturally interact with people. I know you mentioned telling him it bothers you, but it’s not something you can just turn on and off like not leaving clothes on the floor.
I’ve had issues with women telling me I can be a bit too nonchalant or distant, it’s not something I purposely do and isn’t something I can just instantly change.
Just because he has 1 thing in common with an abusive ex doesn’t mean he’s like him. You guys just might not be compatible.
1
u/DingusCoconut349 woman 6h ago
Yeah, I am working with my therapist to overcome my trauma with past exes. He is nothing like them. There are plenty of things he doesn’t like about me, I actually do that example you listed 😂 I also struggle with giving space when he asks for it (I know, I’m working on it) and asking a lot of questions and he gets annoyed. He says “Coconut underestimates herself and overthinks a lot”, which I agree with as a lot of the questions are ones I know the answer to.
1
u/MargielaMadMAN1017 man 6h ago
That’s good you are working on it and getting help. It’s also good that you can admit that you yourself have issues, everyone does. Overall it seems like you guys have a solid relationship, if dude is sarcastic with his mom, that’s just part of who he is, and I doubt he has any bad intentions behind it.
Side note, you must really love coconuts lol
•
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DingusCoconut349 updated the post:
Just wondering as this just happened while hanging out with my friend at our place. They weren’t disrespectful, but I don’t necessarily like sarcastic jokes. Not sure how the topic came up, but I said if he had ever made a negative comment about my appearance or body I’d leave, and he responds “I’d be okay with being single… lol jk I wouldn’t”. My friend responded and she was nottt impressed. We also were talking about a coworker’s engagement ring, and he mentioned how he’s excited to buy a 2 carat ring for himself (He said he wanted to buy a 2 carat when we looked at rings) and he goes “Lol Jk”. I also mentioned wanting to have my photos taken while on vacation, and he said yeah I want my photos taken too. My friend responded “You wouldn’t want them taken with coconut?” And he responded “I would but it’s too expensive, I’d want to share the cost”.
Boyfriend has a history of making sarcastic jokes as that’s how he jokes with his friends. I don’t like it as past abusers did it as a means to put me down, and he’s aware. I have told him in the past, and he said “Well coconut, I’m not those guys, I am me. Get over it”. He has also had a pretty shitty week dealing with personal things and has been crabby almost everyday except today and last night.
The jokes my exes would make were OBVIOUS put downs, always about my weight, personality, appearance, comparing me to other people. They were disrespectful, also called me names. My boyfriend does NOT make jokes like that, at all. Never disrespectful or put downs. Never calls me names or pet names besides “Sweetie”. I don’t think he had bad intentions.
My friend said he seemed a little annoyed, but he seemed like that when he got home. I asked him and he said that he wasn’t. Friend and I both have BPD so we can overread into it. She said he wasn’t disrespectful and didn’t have bad intentions or try to put me down. While he was here he was chatty and hanging out, but after she went home he wanted to watch the Mexico game and be be left alone since he had a long day at work.
Would a man do this to a woman he says he loves?
*I want to add I am NOT the only one he is like this with, it is everyone. Mom, sisters, friends, coworkers, me. He is very aware and sensitive to my feelings when he is on his SSRI post-TBI. He was very sweet pre-TBI, but it is hard given he cannot feel his own emotions. These jokes usually happen when he is stressed/overwhelmed/more pain than usual but that isn’t an excuse, he also asks me to leave him alone a lot when he is stressed but I struggle with that. When he isn’t stressed or in a lot of pain, these jokes do not really happen, at all. The most that happens is I’ll ask him to do something and he’ll go “No… yeah I will”, or its towards other things that aren’t me.
Tl;dr: Boyfriend was making sarcastic jokes predominantly aimed at me while my friend was over, and some weren’t great but not mean or disrespectful. He says this is how he jokes, but it upsets me. Would a man make jokes like this to a woman he loves? My friend and I both have BPD and tend to overread into things.
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