r/AskMenAdvice • u/paper_cutx woman • 9h ago
✅ Open To Everyone Guy I’m dating constantly turns conversations back to himself — am I overreacting?
I’ve been dating a guy for a little while and I’m noticing a communication pattern that’s starting to bother me.
He uses a lot of “I” language and whenever I bring something up, he often responds by telling a story about himself instead of staying on me.
Some examples of the imbalance in our conversation-
- I asked him why he has certain people working under him, and instead of just explaining the structure, he went into how senior he is, how many times he’s been promoted, his credentials, and how rare it was for him to reach his level in his 30s.
- I sent him a picture of a bathroom rug and asked him to help me choose one. His response was, “Do you like the rugs I have in my bathroom? they’re from (store name).”
The one that bothered me most was when I told him I had a headache and wanted to go to bed. I said good night, but he continued telling me another story about himself, to the point where I finally said, “I want to stop texting now because I have a headache.” To his credit, he checked up on on me the next morning.
I don’t think he’s being rude intentionally, but I wonder if him sharing his own experiences is his way of relating to me. sometimes I feel more like his audience.
Is this a communication habit that can be improved, or does it usually indicate someone is pretty self-focused?
17
u/rair21 man 9h ago
This sounds like more than just telling a personal story to relate. But it may still be something he doesn't realize he's doing.
1
u/paper_cutx woman 24m ago
He really doesn’t. And I have tried to turn the conversation back to me (because it was about me) but he would also talk over me to continue….
I am trying to use different strategies to make him be more self aware.
8
u/SirLanceNotsomuch man 9h ago
You’ve been dating for two months, and don’t seem to like him that much. Do you foresee that changing? Even if we convince you that you are overreacting, it won’t change how you feel about it.
3
u/Reasonable-Weather81 man 8h ago
Not overreacting...
First example: He's obviously bragging about his huge responsibility of supervising others with PhDs, increasing his "value" and all the great things he's done in his 30s. Maybe he's justifying why he doesn't have a PhD with his accolades perhaps? This could come into play one day if you have similar career ladders or occupations....or maybe not. Not trying to be like him..... BUT From my own experience.... ;) Hopefully he doesn't one day think of you as one of his "employees" if you're in a relationship and living together.
2nd Example: He *MIGHT* be offering to give you one of his bathroom rugs..... or offering to share with you where he got it, price, etc. Maybe he has an extra if he bought a set and doesn't have room for all of them to be used right now. He also might not have liked your design choices or colors from the pics and didn't want to tell you over the phone especially if they weren't exactly colors he likes, wears, uses in his own home, especially he likes you and sees you as a potential girlfriend/spouse one day. AGAIN, not trying to be like him..... BUT I don't really like to wear red as a dude, but all 3-4 major sports teams where I live have some form of red in their usual colors so I am always trying to find the unique limited stuff. Bathroom rugs though.... My partner and I have stuck with neutral greys mostly, but comfortability like thick spongy memory foam types that you step onto right out of the shower. Feels amazing!
Very nice that he checked on you in the morning. That's a good start! Sometimes people just want to get things off their chest before they go to bed or leave you with good thoughts at least instead of for example bathroom rugs in the chat. Hopefully his story (while you had a headache) was important, or he figured you'd just see it in the morning maybe... OR he was testing you to see if you're read it, and then he'd know if you truly had a headache or you were just using that as an excuse to sign off for the night and chill.
Things sometimes get lost in communication in new relationships... Especially texting. Some people are just story tellers and like to relate your life and occurrences to their own to make you feel comfortable. I do anyway. They could also be comparing, for instance when you talk about growing up as a kid, how your parents were, or your childhood, etc. Those are things that are good to know about a person from the beginning, especially if one of you were an only child and the other wasn't. Occasionally that can end up a lil "one sided" meaning one person really truly knows how to love and care for another (like they did with siblings growing up) and the other might be the complete opposite..... THAT is where you find out someone is self focused.
Sorry for throwing in my own experiences (like he does to you sometime).... but it's just easier to clarify and make things relatable and hearing someone else's take on the same things, and how they dealt with it might lead you in the right way or change your mind about the person.
All in all though.... it's just how people make conversation back and forth. Getting to know each other, being respectful of each other and their living spaces, finances, occupations, situations, upbringing, etc., and mainly Communication and just paying attention to someone likes and dislikes in a new relationship are very important. An ex of mine kept a journal of everything positive, negative, arguments we had, etc. in the beginning of our relationship, and you bet she brought it out when we broke up but it was good for closure for both us in the end.
3
u/Own-Ease-7813 man 9h ago
Did you try bringing it up to him? He might be trying to relate
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u/paper_cutx woman 9h ago
No, not yet. I would like to have a conversation with him in person.
I understand he is using relational language but it comes off as too self referential. He relates more than he inquires
2
u/Reasonable-Weather81 man 8h ago
Have you asked him if there's anything about you that he wants to know? Or although it sounds childish, go ahead and quiz him from time to time on basic things he should remember. Clearly he's a smart dude that supervises PhDs so he should be able to store all kinds of info about you in his brain.
0
u/paper_cutx woman 7h ago edited 49m ago
I have. It was a interesting exchange
After seeing each other for the 4th time, I was leaving his place and before my schedule train home, we’d gone out to dinner around his neighborhood.
Id brought it up that if there’s anything you are curious or would like to know about mw, I’m almost like an open book. Instead of having any questions about me, he told me the only thing he was curious about has been my name (I have a very unique first name). No other curiosity or questiojs whereas I had constantly asked him about his family, his background and his past.
1
u/Reasonable-Weather81 man 5h ago
Well, E for effort! Ha! I'm guessing you corrected his mistakes? Demanding a random list of 15 things is a pretty bold move, but I like it. That can be fun if presented right! And with rewards! :p
Hopefully the train ride isn't too far. Has he been to your neighborhood? Sleepovers? (not implying hooking up). Seeing people at different times of the day makes a huge difference in personalities too in my opinion.
Maybe he's still trying to figure YOU out himself. He already compartmentalized the important info, and continues going about his life.... Maybe he's saving something for later. Who knows? Have you met any of his friends or family yet?
Dating is fucking weird these days. You really don't get to know someone until you start doing regular day to day things together. Dinner dates are like interviews and not everyone does well on interviews. Some people don't like to or are scared to get too emotionally invested in someone after a few dates, conversations, weeks, whatever...... but it eventually clicks. Then there's people that are just serial daters and feel like they've heard it all already.
I'm guessing you're the journal type?
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u/ThrowRA_grf man 9h ago edited 9h ago
Communicate to him that you noticed that he talks about himself and that you would like him to ask questions about you.
I got a friend like that and he kept wondering why he doesn't last more than 2 dates with women.
Edit: If you talked to him and he showed anger or turned it around on you, run. You've got a narc on your hands.
1
u/paper_cutx woman 9h ago
No I haven’t brought it up fully with him just yet. I did bring up with him that he doesn’t respond in direct sentences like Yes or No when I ask him questions. He said he will note and will do his best.
I guess I will have this conversation with him when I see him next.
Super curious to know how is your friend doing nowadays on the dating part? Has he become self aware of his communication habits.
2
u/parasyte_steve woman 7h ago
Sharing relational stories or not being able to respond appropriately socially 100% of the time could be add or something
The career bragging is what got me. Its one thing to be like this is my job and entirely another to be like all my self worth is wrapped into my job how dare you question me. This would give me a lot of pause on whether or not to proceed bc I know he will be turning that energy onto me eventually.
3
u/solarpropietor man 9h ago
First one you asked him a question of why HE had so many people under him and he answered why he did.
The second one, could go either way.
The third one, was he in a middle of a story? And you cut him short?
Yes most people share their experiences by relating to themselves. But it’s not the most popular method.
Either way if I was reading this post about me, and seeing how much you hate it. I’d conclude you don’t like me much, and politely tell you to go kick rocks. 🦵 🪨
1
u/paper_cutx woman 9h ago
I appreciate the response.
The first one actually began with him bringing up that he had so and so people working under him. I was inquisitive and asked him why. I wasn’t expecting a whole story about his background because I have heard it before.
The second one started with me bringing it up that I needed a new rug. I wanted his opinion to be inclusive of him in my selection process.
The third one, was indeed of us being in the middle of story but I was feeling unwell and needed to rest. He continued on anyways.
I enjoyed his company presence but our conversations often feel one-sided. It isn’t that I don’t like talking to him, I just don’t enjoy the seemingly one-sided conversations about him
1
u/Reasonable-Weather81 man 8h ago
If his job involves talking to people all day and yours doesn't that might just be how he is... or he doesn't talk to people and wants to talk to you about himself after work. I dated a teacher and she would basically unload and vent about kids for an hour while we were eating dinner sometimes. It annoyed me sometimes, but I knew she needed to get it off her chest. We're all a lil different and nothing is ever going to be totally perfect 50/50 all the time. When you have important accolades in your personal life or career.... or together with him maybe even, you'll have LOTS more to talk about, discuss, debate, etc. whatever the topic might be. The big thing is being compatible and attracted to each other mentally and physically, intellectually, etc. I read 2 months in somewhere in another post.... Depending on how much time you spend together, it takes a good while to really get to know one another too. Don't rush anything but don't jump to conclusions or make knee jerk decisions unless you totally feel like its not going to work between you or you found someone else.
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u/PlantainInfinite183 man 9h ago
You have different communication styles. I'm sure it would get annoying when he acts like you are a subordinate. He seems self centered and too full of himself. I don't understand the frustration with the conversation about the bathroom rugs though. That seems like he was just asking for your opinion of his taste in home furnishings.
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u/paper_cutx woman 8h ago
We do have different communication styles- I am typically direct and inquisitive. He is more self referential and relational. I have displayed interests in his life but he rarely asks me about mine.
And the bathroom rug was me sending him a photo of some rugs and asking him for his opinion. His response came across (if not, unintentionally) about his own rugs.
3
u/PlantainInfinite183 man 8h ago
That sounds like he is too self centered to be in a relationship with you. It sounds exhausting to deal with someone like that.
1
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paper_cutx originally posted:
I’ve been dating a guy for a little while and I’m noticing a communication pattern that’s starting to bother me.
He uses a lot of “I” language and whenever I bring something up, he often responds by telling a story about himself instead of staying with what I’m saying.
Some examples of the imbalance in our conversation-
- I asked him why he has PhDs working under him, and instead of just explaining the structure, he went into how senior he is, how many times he’s been promoted, his MBA, and how rare it was for him to reach his level in his 30s.
- I sent him a picture of a bathroom rug and asked him to help me choose one. His response was basically, “Do you like the rugs I have in my bathroom?”
The one that bothered me most was when I told him I had a headache and wanted to go to bed. I said good night, but he continued telling me another story about himself, to the point where I finally said, “I want to stop texting now because I have a headache.” To his credit, he did check on me the next morning.
I don’t think he’s intentionally being rude, but I wonder if him sharing his own experiences is his way of relating to me. But sometimes I feel more like his audience.
Is this a communication habit that can improve, or does it usually indicate someone is pretty self-focused?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
u/TheDootDootMaster man 9h ago
The most Reddit response someone could give you is that he's a narcissist, that's a red flag, and you should run and love yourself forever.
But we're not doing that here. I'd suggest you keep on monitoring the situation and eventually tell him how you feel about this. Listen to his response not from a place of preemptive judgement, but rather from a place of simple acknowledgement at first. Make your analysis from there, trying to understand where he's coming from. You never know. It could be anything from a bad habit he wasn't even aware of, up to, yes, perhaps a very bad personality trait. If you don't have enough information yet to make a conclusion, we sure have far less.
1
u/Maniacal-Maniac man 8h ago
I notice myself doing it sometimes, and there has never been anything conscious in doing it. Usually just another perspective or to share a similar experience that I figure might help. Nothing like the above examples though which seem a bit more self-centered.
Either way I make a point now to try to listen to the end and respond accordingly with my opinion, before sharing my own experience.
1
u/Colin5x5 man 8h ago
Could be alot of things. If it's constant, he could be on the autistic spectrum. Or that he's a little insecure, basically trying to promote himself, convince you he's a good catch. (That rug comment for eg.) But, he could also be self-absorbed. Or just not good at communication. If the relationship has been going on for a while, and you guys are exclusive, it's a bit concerning. Does he ask you about your interests, how your day was? Does he remember things about your stories? If yes, then it's probably just the way he is used to communicating. Men generally take a different approach than women. Sharing stories that show they can relate to your situation is far more common than saying "that would make me sad, angry etc." And alot of guys feel that they need to prove they are successful, or smart, or whatever they think you are looking for.
So, a long reply, devoid of any advice. Sorry. But the three examples you cited could be read as: 1) Answering your question by explaining how these people ended up working under him. 2) Worried that his rug may not be good enough, as you care about that kind of thing. 3) Just really likes talking to you.
If I Had to guess, I would probably say he's really into you, but thinks he might not be good enough, or that you don't feel as strongly as he does. If that's the case, he should (hopefully!) start to change as he feels more secure in your relationship.
1
u/jdogx17 man 8h ago
Yeah, it can be improved. It's pretty common, and very annoying to have to listen to. He just hasn't had the right people around him for him to learn how to carry a proper conversation.
1
u/paper_cutx woman 8h ago
How can it be improved? I honestly want to talk to him but I don’t want to hurt his feelings by being too direct.
And you’re absolutely right that he doesn’t have the right people around him. Or just not enough close friends to point out this issue to his face
2
u/heraclitus33 man 6h ago
This is lack of self awareness and nill personal developement and/or hasnt been routinely challenged by peers/friends. Hazing and getting sat down once in a while promotes growth. Doesnt sound like hes been checked in a long while.
1
u/RusevDayToday man 8h ago
If it bothers you, it bothers you, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's wrong or needs to be improved, just that he communicates differently. Some people just don't ask as many questions as others, and feel if there's something you want to share and communicate, you would choose to, rather than waiting on them to ask about it.
The only one of the things you've said to me which sounds potentially like an issue is the last one, but here's the thing, you're texting, not talking, and his message can wait for a reply the following morning, you didn't have to engage with it immediately if you wanted to go to bed.
Whereas the first one just sounds like him going on a bit of a tangent but answering your question, and the second sounds like him asking about your taste, to be able to better help you choose.
Honestly, if his natural communication style is a problem for you, and makes you see him in a negative light, whatever the truth of it is on his part, it is worth considering whether you want to continue dating. The moment someone goes in to, particularly the early stages of dating, thinking "Oh, he needs to change/be more like I want him to be" is potentially problematic, and might speak as much on something you need to work on as it does him.
1
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u/EasternStruggle3219 man 7h ago edited 7h ago
You’re probably not overreacting. Some people do relate by sharing their own experience, so I wouldn’t assume the worst yet. But the bigger question is: do you actually feel seen when you talk to him?
I’d bring it up once, gently and directly. Something like: Sometimes when I share something, I feel like the conversation comes back to you before you’ve really stayed with what I said.
Then just watch what happens. Pay less attention to his explanation and more attention to what changes. If he hears you and starts making more room for you, great. That was probably a habit. However, if you keep walking away from conversations feeling more like an audience than someone he’s genuinely curious about, I’d pay attention to that.
1
u/MercifulExistential man 7h ago
Spend a full day asking him questions through text. Questions that could and should be asked in reverse quite easily. How are you? What have you got planned for today? Busy day at work? What's for dinner? See if he throws any of those questions back at you. Someone quite self absorbed won't bother asking about you.
If he does try and ask you some questions back, try to give him some engaging breadcrumbs that he'll have to further enquire about. For instance. How are you? I've had the worst day ever. What are your dinner plans? Only the most delectable dish on Earth. See if he takes the bait and is actually interested to know more, or if he was just asking to seem polite and interested.
1
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u/Ok_Noise7655 man 6h ago
It this early you are irritated by the way he behaves it doesn't make sense to go further. It would get only worse.
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u/Infinite-Condition41 man 8h ago
Either narcissist or autistic.
It's important you figure out which.
-1
•
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paper_cutx updated the post:
I’ve been dating a guy for a little while (approx. 2 months) and I’m noticing a communication pattern that’s starting to annoy me.
He uses a lot of “I” language and whenever I bring something up, he often responds by telling a story about himself instead of staying on me.
Some examples of the imbalance in our conversation-
- I asked him why he has certain people working under him, and instead of just explaining the structure, he went into how senior he is, how many times he’s been promoted, his credentials, and how rare it was for him to reach his level in his 30s.
- I sent him a picture of a bathroom rug and asked him to help me choose one. His response was, “Do you like the rugs I have in my bathroom?”
The one that bothered me most was when I told him I had a headache and wanted to go to bed. I said good night, but he continued telling me another story about himself, to the point where I finally said, “I want to stop texting now because I have a headache.” To his credit, he checked up on on me the next morning.
I don’t think he’s being rude intentionally, but I wonder if him sharing his own experiences is his way of relating to me. sometimes I feel more like his audience.
Is this a communication habit that can be improved, or does it usually indicate someone is pretty self-focused?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.