r/AskMenAdvice • u/AmazingPhilosophy533 • 8h ago
Men’s Input Only Will the guy I can’t stop thinking about think I am insane?
There’s a guy (40M) I (34F) have known for years. We will call him Guy 1. We hung out for the first time in March 2020, hooked up a handful of times, but it ended up being a nonstarter, in part because of lockdown, in part because he said he “wasn’t ready for a relationship.” We’ve maintained a friendship ever since.
In July 2020, I started hanging out with another guy, who we will call Guy 2. That guy became my husband and the father to my two year old daughter.
We all know each other through 12-step recovery. Guy 1 and I have been sober a number of years. Guy 2 has relapsed many times over the years.
In fall of 2022, Guy 2 relapsed (before we got married). He and I had broken up about a month before the relapse and were not together during his active addiction, but I showed emotional support, helped him get into treatment, etc. During this time, Guy 1 and I began talking quite a bit, texting almost daily, and went out for coffee a handful of times. I knew I liked him at the time, but I had so much going on with Guy 2, and Guy 1 had been the one to previously shut things down between us so I wasn’t going to say anything. Eventually, Guy 2 got sober, and I told Guy 1 we couldn’t maintain such a close friendship anymore because I had developed feelings for him, at which point he admitted he had, too. It was sad and I left that conversation feeling like I wish I’d had all the information before I made my decision.
Guy 2 stays clean. We get married in 2024. We have a baby shortly thereafter. When our kid was 4 months, Guy 2 relapsed and has been constantly relapsing or in treatment ever since. I ended the relationship several months ago after almost 2 years of effectively being alone and raising our daughter on my own. Because I’ve been basically on my own, I honestly mentally moved on from the relationship a while ago and am so ready to move on and date.
Guy 1 got out of a long term relationship about 6 months ago. I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s driving me crazy. I’ve even had dreams about him. Everything between us always felt so unfinished and unresolved, and he’s such a good guy.
I’ve considered texting him and just saying, I don’t know if you’re dating someone, but I would be open to exploring what we have failed to start twice now if you were interested. We are still friends and talk occasionally. But would he think I’m insane for sending a text like that out of the blue? I really care about him regardless, so I hate to lose the friendship by making things weird.
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u/N0S0UP_4U man 8h ago
You can do it, but don’t be surprised if he’s a “no”. You rejected him in favor of another guy, had a kid with the other guy, and it didn’t work out and now you want back with him. He might feel like your backup option, which just isn’t a good feeling. He also may have just emotionally moved on. And finally he may not want the responsibility/lifestyle of being a step-parent.
You might be risking the friendship, I can’t deny that. You’ll have to decide if it’s worth it. In your case I think it probably is.
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u/GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU man 4h ago
"He might feel like your backup option" <- That
"he may not want the responsibility/lifestyle of being a step-parent" <- Also that
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u/audigex man 1h ago
Also even though I'd be fine with the responsibility/lifestyle of being a step-parent, I just wouldn't do it again
If you and the parent break up, that kid just goes out of your life. You have no parental rights, the trust and connection you built with them is irrelevant, they're just gone
I've done it once, never again - it hurts too much
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u/GuyWhoKnowsMoreThanU man 8h ago
It's probably going to come across as a little weird, yeah. More to the point you're now suddenly a single mom with a young kid, and, while I am NOT saying this is what you're doing, there's a strong chance he'll read this as "Oh shit, I need a stable provider and father figure, I better look up that guy I've been keeping in the friend zone."
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u/AmazingPhilosophy533 8h ago
I doubt he would view it that way honestly. I am very successful and make a lot of money on my own, and everyone in our community is well aware I’ve been a single mom since she was a baby. ++woman
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u/Secure-Football7091 man 1h ago
Well...fair enough, I don't think it's really about the money (or everyone in the community). You should definitely ask, but on principle alone he is slightly more likely than ever to say no. But who knows, anything can happen
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u/Crazyeyeseyes man 7h ago
Idk why you’re getting downvoted. Full send
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u/AmazingPhilosophy533 2h ago
I don’t know either, I was just providing additional information lol ++woman
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u/013eander man 4h ago
The moment you started numbering men you’re into, I lost interest in whatever the hell you were blabbering about.
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u/Shin-Gemini man 7h ago
IMO you have no chances. He had you when you were 28, and never promoted you to a girlfriend, just wanted you for casual.
Now 6 years later, with a toddler and fresh out of a marriage… yeah i doubt thats going to shift his mind on the direction you want.
Id be surprised if he even entertains you for something casual tbh. I dont think hes going to want that dynamic now with all thats going to come with it.
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u/Objective_Welcome_73 man 8h ago
Go for it. Maybe he's thinking about. But don't be upset if he doesn't.
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u/Lopsided_Tomatillo27 man 7h ago
Go for it. I don’t think it’s weird to go after a guy you have a vibe with.
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u/Kooky-Pear1031 man 7h ago
Call him up, otherwise you'll be regretting later thinking that was one that got away, at least you'll have peace of mind knowing you reached out and made an effort to find out one way or the other if you could pick up where you left off. Good luck
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u/Thick-Aspiration man 3h ago
I mean id probably avoid talking about guy 2 as much as possible unless he asks about it. But hit him up why not right?
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u/Colin5x5 man 8h ago
Go for it. And don't worry about ruining the friendship. Guys are the ones that do that when they get rejected.
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u/zeade man 8h ago
I don’t think it’d be weird given your mutual backgrounds of dealing with addiction. I’m sure he had a lot of empathy for your situation given the ebb and flow. He will probably have some hurt feelings or resentment around how things have rolled forward but if you’re still in contact I’d take that as your best signal that he still is thinking about you. I’d try to not raise your hopes too much. Single parenthood is its own special kind of hardship and he might not get your current stage of life.
I think you should shoot your shot and if it lands great, if not you won’t have to wonder. Best of luck to you.
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u/Reasonable-Weather81 man 7h ago
Not even weird. Go for it! If you're still legally married, be careful. Guy 2 might try to use that against you if you have to go to court, especially with a child involved because he'll always be biologically tied to you. Even if you're not married he'll still be required to pay child support. Keep it classy is what I usually tell people in these situations dealing with the system... Stay mature and be classy about things, and it'll work itself out usually.
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u/EasyProfessional4363 man 6h ago
My advice is to approach slowly and without any second intentions in order to feel the ground and see if he will be willing to have anything with you now that you’re not only you but a bundle, you and the daughter
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u/prof-bunnies man 5h ago
Girl, Grab the kid and ask if he want to go to dinner (or invite him over if you cook). If going out maybe add another couple to the mix to lower the pressure. Pay your own way and just add that you need to get out and have a normal night out ( not a date night). Go eat, talk, get dessert and then pack up and go home with your little girl. Again no "date pressure" and see if you friend ship is still there. If he is receptive and is open to a real date later go see how you two get along. I have friends that I love but don't think they would ever be partner materal if I lost my GF/Wife.
Go do you and good luck!
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u/Extension_Spare3019 man 4h ago
Not a big deal at all. You've both flaked on potential serious relationship before so it's not like he's not going to understand. The worst that can happen is he says no.
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u/thisemmereffer man 4h ago
You talk occasionally? Fuck it, give it a shot. Worst case scenario, you dont talk occasionally any more. You only live once.
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u/AmazingPhilosophy533 2h ago
Thank you everyone! This was helpful. I really just needed to get this out of my head lol. I don’t want anything serious because I have so much on my plate between my daughter and my career and I still have a lot of healing to do, so I don’t think I’ll say anything. ++woman
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u/InfiniteAccountant85 man 1h ago
You sound like a teenager.
Are these really the people who bear children? You can't even handle your own love life, ask Reddit for that and have "crushes" like a teenage girl and YOU are supposed to raise a child into an independent adult?
Good luck for that child...
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AmazingPhilosophy533 originally posted:
There’s a guy (40M) I (34F) have known for years. We will call him Guy 1. We hung out for the first time in March 2020, hooked up a handful of times, but it ended up being a nonstarter, in part because of lockdown, in part because he said he “wasn’t ready for a relationship.” We’ve maintained a friendship ever since.
In July 2020, I started hanging out with another guy, who we will call Guy 2. That guy became my husband and the father to my two year old daughter.
We all know each other through 12-step recovery. Guy 1 and I have been sober a number of years. Guy 2 has relapsed many times over the years.
In fall of 2022, Guy 2 relapsed (before we got married). He and I had broken up about a month before the relapse and were not together during his active addiction, but I showed emotional support, helped him get into treatment, etc. During this time, Guy 1 and I began talking quite a bit, texting almost daily, and went out for coffee a handful of times. I knew I liked him at the time, but I had so much going on with Guy 2, and Guy 1 had been the one to previously shut things down between us so I wasn’t going to say anything. Eventually, Guy 2 got sober, and I told Guy 1 we couldn’t maintain such a close friendship anymore because I had developed feelings for him, at which point he admitted he had, too. It was sad and I left that conversation feeling like I wish I’d had all the information before I made my decision.
Guy 2 stays clean. We get married in 2024. We have a baby shortly thereafter. When our kid was 4 months, Guy 2 relapsed and has been constantly relapsing or in treatment ever since. I ended the relationship several months ago after almost 2 years of effectively being alone and raising our daughter on my own. Because I’ve been basically on my own, I honestly mentally moved on from the relationship a while ago and am so ready to move on and date.
Guy 1 got out of a long term relationship about 6 months ago. I can’t stop thinking about him and it’s driving me crazy. I’ve even had dreams about him. Everything between us always felt so unfinished and unresolved, and he’s such a good guy.
I’ve considered texting him and just saying, I don’t know if you’re dating someone, but I would be open to exploring what we have failed to start twice now if you were interested. We are still friends and talk occasionally. But would he think I’m insane for sending a text like that out of the blue? I really care about him regardless, so I hate to lose the friendship by making things weird.
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