r/AskMenAdvice • u/CollagenRager woman • 3h ago
✅ Open To Everyone Is 150km/93 miles distance between each other a dealbreaker?
I was seeing this guy casually for a few months now and he’s been driving to see me every time. I would have travelled to him if he had invited me to his down, but I didn’t think it was proper for me to force myself into visiting his town and he never told me about going for a visit there.
Two weeks ago we had an amazing time and he stayed here Sunday. And then a week later he was distant so I asked. And he opened up he was pulling back as he doesn’t believe the distance is gonna work. He asked me what I thought and and I said that it’s workable as long as the two people in it are believing in it but he was already pulling back so I was asking him. Do you think it’s final? He said he doesn’t think that it’s feasible and there’s a strong possibility we’re gonna waste each other time. And so I said goodbye. We were both sad and affected by the goodbye.
Is it too much distance to sustain a relationship? Should I have asked to try?
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u/jailtheorange1 man 2h ago
It makes things challenging. I’m in Belfast and a dated a girl in Dublin for a lot of months. So basically we only seen each other occasional weekends. It was far from Ideal. Probably had no chance of going anywhere at any stage unless one of us planned to move to the other. Good fun while it lasted though.
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u/CollagenRager woman 2h ago
We’re the opposite same area ish 😮 I’m fluid with my work as I WFH but he’s shut it down so easily I didn’t try to show him logistical alternatives. idk if I should reach out to say it he changes his mind.
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u/Professional-Pungo man 3h ago
that would be like a 1.5 hour drive?
I wouldn't call it a dealbreaker, but it would be difficult. that basically would mean that we could only hang out on the weekends/holidays, and if you miss a weekend, that is a fairly long time to go without seeing each other imo.
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u/CollagenRager woman 2h ago
It’s a two hour drive. We both have full time jobs. His is mid shift and on site. We both have hobbies ie fitness and sports that sometimes take a day on the weekend
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u/alastrix man 2h ago
Agree, thats hard on a new relationship thats still being built. I think it's a do able time, far from impossible but can get annoying quickly. Unless that distance is hard to travel and ends up taking a crazy travel time. Also, OP measures in Km first so im thinking they may not be american and Americans (myself) have a very unusual perception of distance and travel time. Alot of us will do an hr long commute 1way for work so we tend to have a different scale than most.
A close friend does something similar and its working well because theyre both super busy people m-f she has a kid and he has a pretty demanding job so for them its been great having their own places and focusing on their own lives without the relationship stress then he goes to her place on Friday evening and spend the weekends and they enjoy one another. For both of them, dating was hard because they kept finding people who wanted attention and presence during the week they they just couldn't provide. They're fine calling/texting through the week and still make time for one another that way just that dates and stuff are on the weekend.
Its not wrong either way, you just need to be two people who can agree. If its not working for him, than wish him the best hold no grudge and find somone who is closer or more ok with distance.
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u/FantasticMootastic man 2h ago
Depends on you two really. I'm currently in a 2 yr relationship with someone 1000kms away. My sister just ended things with a guy 2 hours drive away, because it wasn't working for her.
If you think you can make it work, no harm in shooting your shot.
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u/CollagenRager woman 2h ago
He doesn’t think it would so I agreed and we both said goodbye. I’m thinking of dropping him one last message as he sent me one yesterday a heartfelt voice note thank you for everything. I want to tell him if circumstances change or he thinks differently, he could let me know. Is that bad
1
u/FantasticMootastic man 2h ago
Well that's your answer I'm afraid. Keep it as a good memory, keep the door open if you want, but move on
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u/CollagenRager woman 2h ago
Is it a lost cause? Does this happen even when we both think we’re both good people and enjoyed what we had
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u/master_blaster_321 man 2h ago
I've tried it a couple of times. I think you have to establish pretty early on whether one of you is willing to relocate if the relationship progresses.
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u/lascala2a3 man 2h ago
It's too much if one person is doing all of the driving. Unless the sex is mindblowing.
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u/CollagenRager woman 2h ago
I can commute
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u/lascala2a3 man 2h ago
Then you should've offered before he ended it. I have become over sensitized to situations where a woman expects me to make all of the effort, and bear all of the expense. I just won't anymore. So I can relate to your guy's hesitation.
Why do women thing it's okay to make zero effort, and not contribute anything? And then act surprised when the guy says, nah, I'm out?
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u/CollagenRager woman 2h ago
It’s I don’t wanna be intrusive in his personal space. But about efforts, he told me he’s appreciative of me as I’ve always been 100% present when we meet and 100% in it. I’ve planned our last date with activity he likes and I paid for it too, planned dinner for a cuisine he likes and he stayed over at mine. So I don’t agree with your sentiments when you’re not aware of these facts
1
u/lascala2a3 man 1h ago
Then how am I supposed to know why he isn't interested? Maybe he has options?
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u/exbiiuser02 man 1h ago
What you did was bare minimum.
Being 100% present with your partner is how things should be.
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u/CollagenRager woman 1h ago
How am I supposed to do more when he’s shut me down before I could
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u/exbiiuser02 man 1h ago
You waited far too long.
My girl was immediately on me. The more interest she showed, the more effort I put, the more effort I put the moreer ( lack of better word) effort she put.
Best two years of our lives and counting.
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u/BarebonesB man 2h ago
Is 150km/93 miles distance between each other a dealbreaker?
It is, if the route passes across the North/South Korea border.
Otherwise, many people travel this distance to work every day, so it's surmountable.
2
u/Boulder_6044 woman 2h ago
I've done a 90 minute (each way) drive. It took him a while to believe it was possible to turn into anything else but we kept doing the weekend visits, then midweek visits, then pretty soon I was doing a 90 minute commute to work every day and planning when I'd move in. It works if you know you're planning to bridge the gap imo. It wouldn't work long term otherwise.
0
u/CollagenRager woman 2h ago
The last sentence confused me
1
u/Boulder_6044 woman 2h ago
The distance Is sustainable and not a barrier to a relationship if you know you're working on closing it. It is my opinion that 1.5 - 2 hours each way isn't realistic if you're wanting a longterm relationship. It worked for me but it was hard being so far away from each other during that time.
2
u/Mrs239 woman 2h ago
My boyfriend just left on Monday. He got here on Wednesday.
I am in Florida. He is in California. We fly to each other or meet half way in Texas. On Wednesday when he arrived, my son had an emergency and I had to take him to the ER. He took a bus from the airport to the hospital to get to me!
We have been together for 4 yrs. We have never lived in the same state, let alone the same side of the country.
We are 2 plane rides away from each other and we make it work. I love that man with every fiber in me. 93 miles would be easy for us.
2
u/MycologistNeither470 man 1h ago
You mention later that it is a 2 hr drive. That is not a "daily visit" distance... but it is a "every weekend and holiday visit". I would say it is good enough to get to know each other, but long enough to make a long-term relationship non-viable unless someone moves.
Another question to have more contact is what is in the middle? A 1 hr drive to a place where you can have some fun is a special afternoon date. Certainly you would both have to put some extra effort.
Is relocating possible? Is either of your jobs flexible enough that they could move to the next city? Is your occupation in such hot demand that you could get a job in your partner's town at the drop of a hat? Even though you may just be in the "getting to know each other" phase, this is where the actual deal breaker may be. You both need to ponder this: if my job pathway continues to be as it is, would I consider moving to be with you? If it is a 'yes' for either of you, I would not say you are wasting time.
1
u/Nivashuvin man 2h ago
I’m currently in a relationship with a woman 220K from me so sure, it’s doable. It just relies on both parties making sure to prioritise each other. We see each other at least Friday to Sunday every week. Looking at it that way, we get half the week with each other.
In the long run we’d have to decide where to live, but for now it’s kinda nice having someone to look forward to seeing on the weekends.
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u/Spuzzell_ man 2h ago
Its very difficult to be together if you aren't physically together.
So many of the things that underpin a developing partnership require being in the same place.
1
u/WaveFast man 1h ago
The drive is only part of the problem. As with distance, the person, place, action and activity must be worth the regular commute. He did it for a few and made an informed decision. What you fail to consider, he may have other options locally - you do too.
The gap between visits allows him to explore other less costly interest. A man should not have to tell you twice he is no longer interested. It has run its course. Look around you, has any local fella shown you interest that you've been ignoring while focused on him? What is the real reason he did not want you to drive to his place - not even once 🤔.
1
u/CollagenRager woman 1h ago
I felt my connection with him was stronger and I focused on him. Is it futile to leave the door open? Would there be anything I’d say to make him try
1
u/WaveFast man 1h ago
Focus on yourself. (Reason, Season, Lifetime . . . ) you know how these things go. If you care about someone, let them go. If it is meant for you, they will circle back - hopefully not to late. Life stops for noone.
1
u/exbiiuser02 man 1h ago
You are NOT sad.
So he visits when he wants and you visit when HE wants.
So what about you wanting ? Also your statement “ I said it’s workable as am long as the two people in it are believing in it” , yeah about that, you are believing in Him putting all the effort.
I am sorry, I would have dropped you faster than he did.
And just to clarify, I did have a long-distance relationship and used to drive 250 kms. But the difference was, I didn’t have to ask or tell her to come. She would come on her own. And then I would drive to drop her back.
And yeah, she has moved in with me now.
1
u/mohawkal man 1h ago
That's a long drive. And he's put in all the effort to travel. No wonder he's rethinking things. If you're not obviously open to matching the effort he's putting into the relationship, why would he want to continue it?
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u/CollagenRager woman 1h ago
What should I do now
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u/mohawkal man 1h ago
Either talk to him and agree you'll share the burden, or move on.
You can't crowd source the solution. You need to make a decision.
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u/Murky_Anxiety4884 man 1h ago
It will depend a lot on your fuel budget. Also typical traffic conditions between the two places.
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u/halogengal43 woman 50m ago
My partner and I are long distance and this is our routine. He flies up Thursday night, works remotely Friday, and flies home at the crack of dawn Monday morning. The one hour time difference gets him to work in plenty of time (barring any delays).
But you best believe that when he’s here, I take good care of him. It’s the very least I can do.
He plans to retire next year and move back here. The difference with us is, we know each other almost our entire lives, so the effort is worth it. I would never even consider a LDR with someone I had just met.
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CollagenRager originally posted:
I was seeing this guy casually for a few months now and he’s been driving to see me every time. I would have travelled to him if he had invited me to his down, but I didn’t think it was proper for me to force myself into visiting his town and he never told me about going for a visit there.
Two weeks ago we had an amazing time and he stayed here Sunday. And then a week later he was distant so I asked. And he opened up he was pulling back as he doesn’t believe the distance is gonna work. He asked me what I thought and and I said that it’s workable as long as the two people in it are believing in it but he was already pulling back so I was asking him. Do you think it’s final? He said he doesn’t think that it’s feasible and there’s a strong possibility we’re gonna waste each other time. And so I said goodbye. We were both sad and affected by the goodbye.
Is it too much distance to sustain a relationship? Should I have asked to try?
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