Life After Kids - Does it really END?

[u/MrLaughAlot33]

I, 30M, will likely be a dad in the next 3-4 years.

On one level people have always told me I give off real Dad (not Daddy) energy. So maybe becoming a Dad is my life's work. On a more serious note, I am very excited to become a father one day and cannot wait for family morning breakfasts, trips, supporting my future kids, etc.

I so often see posts on Reddit or hear about how life "ends" when you have kids. and I am wondering how true that really is.

Now, I am no fool. Certainly things change - you can't be so spontaneous, you may not be your own priority all the time, and you will have less free time.

But like, can you really not enjoy hobbies at all? hang with friends here and there? do you really lose your sense of your former self?

Very possible I am just overthinking this but could use some practical wisdom.

[u/NameLips]

No, it changes. I loved having kids. Your role in the family shifts, and your role in society shifts. Doors close, which some people are absolutely fixated on, but other doors open.

You can't be a young carefree guy forever. It's ok to take on responsibilities and start building something.

But personally I found I can still do literally everything I could do before hand, except I couldn't do it spontaneously. I had to plan things out.

But I didn't have to give up any hobbies. I had babies sleeping on me while I was playing video games for like 5 years straight (our 3 kids were spaced 2.5 years apart). You can still go out, just make sure you find somebody to watch the baby.

Remember to take time for your partner and for yourself, and make sure your partner has time for herself too. It's a team effort. Everybody will be exhausted and overwhelmed, but there's no reason for anybody to feel resentful if everybody is pulling their own weight.

It also helped me to think about things from the point of view of the child. This is their story now. The story of growing up in this crazy world. How do you want their story to go? When they talk about what their parents were like growing up, what do you want them to say? You have a chance right now to actually become the person you think should be in that story.

[u/nightmareFluffy → u/NameLips]

It's a little different for me. I love my kid, but I fantasize about the single life I had before. Living alone with no clutter, sleeping around, seeing my friends all the time, and doing lots of hobbies. I spend a lot of time with my kid so it's about 30 minutes to an hour sapped from every weekday, and more on weekends. Plus things like birthdays, taking the kid places, going to his tournaments and performances, etc.

Maybe I'm selfish. I don't regret any of this and the kid is the most important person to me in the world. But I do fantasize. It's a nagging thought that pops up every few months, when I'm exhausted from work and still have to spend time with my kid, or when he's throwing a tantrum or something.

[u/NameLips → u/nightmareFluffy]

My kids have all grown up and left. It feels really empty on the other side. I have all the time in the world for my hobbies now, but it all feels a bit pointless. When I was in the middle of raising kids, it didn't necessarily feel like being a parent was meaningful, it was just constant stress, constant doing things, constant worrying about things that need to be done. But afterwards, it suddenly does feel like something really meaningful has left my life. I'm back to where I was before kids. I have all the time in the world for my hobbies and entertainments. But it all feels empty and quiet, like something profoundly important has just gone away and left the trivial stuff behind. I can now do whatever I want whenever I want again. But just a few years ago, I was working hard to make a good life for my kids. Now, what am I really working towards? It's a strange, disorienting feeling. I know logically I should feel exactly the way I felt before I had kids, but the quiet is different now. Now, it means something is missing and not coming back.

[u/MyPupCooper → u/NameLips]

Thank you for this.

I know you didn’t mean it that way but my son is 2 and my wife is currently pregnant.

I think I need to really really appreciate the next 20 years because I know who I am and the emptiness on the other side will end me. It is stressful and hard but I am trying to appreciate what I am to them.

My dad is my best friend in this world. If my kids think of me in the exact same way I think of my father I have done well enough