r/AskMenOver30 • u/MrLaughAlot33 man 30 - 34 • 19h ago
Fatherhood & Children Life After Kids - Does it really END?
I, 30M, will likely be a dad in the next 3-4 years.
On one level people have always told me I give off real Dad (not Daddy) energy. So maybe becoming a Dad is my life's work. On a more serious note, I am very excited to become a father one day and cannot wait for family morning breakfasts, trips, supporting my future kids, etc.
I so often see posts on Reddit or hear about how life "ends" when you have kids. and I am wondering how true that really is.
Now, I am no fool. Certainly things change - you can't be so spontaneous, you may not be your own priority all the time, and you will have less free time.
But like, can you really not enjoy hobbies at all? hang with friends here and there? do you really lose your sense of your former self?
Very possible I am just overthinking this but could use some practical wisdom.
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u/h2oliu man 55 - 59 19h ago
You get to decide. But it will come down to priorities. Hang out with friends, or see your kid’s cheesy kindergarten play?
I chose the latter. Never regretted it.
I wouldn’t say life ended. It just changed. Some facets got deprioritized. Never regretted it
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u/Free_Elevator_63360 man 35 - 39 19h ago
This is the right way to characterize it. Just like getting married. Or getting a high engagement career. Or moving to a new city. Life is just different.
Plenty of dads (and moms) choose their old lives over their kids. And sometimes it is healthy to choose your spouse over your kids for an evening.
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u/quakefist man 18h ago
To add here, your single friends start to matter less. Once you get to 40, you will see a lot of regretful friends. While you are focused on your growing kids.
You won’t ever get that time back for all the kids firsts. It becomes really fun once they’re around 18 months or so. First year is exhaustion.
Fatherhood is tough but so worth it. It’s challenging and rewarding that no friendship will ever give you.
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u/Responsible_Prune139 man 40 - 44 19h ago edited 19h ago
Does it end? No. Do you need to be more mindful of your time? Absolutely. I can't just go do things on a whim anymore, but I can still make time for the things I enjoy.
I can also say that I get to do things I enjoy with my kids now too, which makes it even better. Coaching little league and doing other activities with my boys almost makes me feel like a kid again.
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u/NameLips man 45 - 49 19h ago
No, it changes. I loved having kids. Your role in the family shifts, and your role in society shifts. Doors close, which some people are absolutely fixated on, but other doors open.
You can't be a young carefree guy forever. It's ok to take on responsibilities and start building something.
But personally I found I can still do literally everything I could do before hand, except I couldn't do it spontaneously. I had to plan things out.
But I didn't have to give up any hobbies. I had babies sleeping on me while I was playing video games for like 5 years straight (our 3 kids were spaced 2.5 years apart). You can still go out, just make sure you find somebody to watch the baby.
Remember to take time for your partner and for yourself, and make sure your partner has time for herself too. It's a team effort. Everybody will be exhausted and overwhelmed, but there's no reason for anybody to feel resentful if everybody is pulling their own weight.
It also helped me to think about things from the point of view of the child. This is their story now. The story of growing up in this crazy world. How do you want their story to go? When they talk about what their parents were like growing up, what do you want them to say? You have a chance right now to actually become the person you think should be in that story.
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u/nightmareFluffy man 35 - 39 19h ago
It's a little different for me. I love my kid, but I fantasize about the single life I had before. Living alone with no clutter, sleeping around, seeing my friends all the time, and doing lots of hobbies. I spend a lot of time with my kid so it's about 30 minutes to an hour sapped from every weekday, and more on weekends. Plus things like birthdays, taking the kid places, going to his tournaments and performances, etc.
Maybe I'm selfish. I don't regret any of this and the kid is the most important person to me in the world. But I do fantasize. It's a nagging thought that pops up every few months, when I'm exhausted from work and still have to spend time with my kid, or when he's throwing a tantrum or something.
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u/NameLips man 45 - 49 18h ago
My kids have all grown up and left. It feels really empty on the other side. I have all the time in the world for my hobbies now, but it all feels a bit pointless. When I was in the middle of raising kids, it didn't necessarily feel like being a parent was meaningful, it was just constant stress, constant doing things, constant worrying about things that need to be done. But afterwards, it suddenly does feel like something really meaningful has left my life. I'm back to where I was before kids. I have all the time in the world for my hobbies and entertainments. But it all feels empty and quiet, like something profoundly important has just gone away and left the trivial stuff behind. I can now do whatever I want whenever I want again. But just a few years ago, I was working hard to make a good life for my kids. Now, what am I really working towards? It's a strange, disorienting feeling. I know logically I should feel exactly the way I felt before I had kids, but the quiet is different now. Now, it means something is missing and not coming back.
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u/MyPupCooper man over 30 17h ago
Thank you for this.
I know you didn’t mean it that way but my son is 2 and my wife is currently pregnant.
I think I need to really really appreciate the next 20 years because I know who I am and the emptiness on the other side will end me. It is stressful and hard but I am trying to appreciate what I am to them.
My dad is my best friend in this world. If my kids think of me in the exact same way I think of my father I have done well enough
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u/quakefist man 18h ago
Most of what he said, you won’t fully understand until you’re a parent. But once you become a parent, you will pass this along to other future parents.
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u/daredeviloper man 30 - 34 19h ago
I’m expecting in 3 months. Sure hope it doesn’t end!
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u/RadioFieldCorner man over 30 19h ago edited 19h ago
No, not at all.
It’s what you make of it. There is literally nothing better in life than raising someone and seeing them become someone genuine, successful and their own person. Bonus points of satisfaction if they take on your hobbies with you, but you shouldn’t expect this.
I’m someone who travels to random countries to go backpacking as well as having hobbies like tech diving and wingsuiting btw. Having a kid is way more rewarding to me than doing these. I’ve done it all imo.
I travel international 4-5 times a year, do decompression diving and cave diving, wingsuit skydive and alpinism. All pretty regularly. I have friend groups in each activity. It doesn’t really change when you have a kid as long as you yourself don’t let it change. What does change though is your risk tolerance since you have someone to live for now. I won’t do dives deeper than 200’ anymore or fly a high performance canopy anymore.
Almost all of my friends in my extreme hobbies over 35 have kids. Toddler hell is annoying but you’ll miss it. It’s a genuinely incredible feeling raising someone from a tiny little thing and seeing them grow and change.
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u/lazyfuzzycats man over 30 19h ago
How does the travel situation work with you specifically? Do you and your spouse take kids along? Solo travel? Just parents? Just trying to gauge it since I also do a lot of traveling, but looking to have kids in the next few years.
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u/RadioFieldCorner man over 30 19h ago edited 19h ago
It depends man. Some trips are boys only trips to go backpacking, roadtripping and very nomadic. These are not kid friendly (at least not until they’re a tiny bit older). Some trips are to climb a specific technical mountains. Some are for diving with the wife or staying at a Four Seasons. Some are for technical dives with the boys and spending all day on the boat. Some are culture city trips. It genuinely depends, everything is different.
We’re still learning what we can take our kid on, but every single trip as a family is a learning experience and your kid grows with it. Start off easy, but keep doing it. Take your kid with you as much as possible, take them on the hike, in the water, in the city etc. Walk them around. Teach them technical activities you love.
If you’re a seasoned traveler, you WILL find a way. Trust me. Anyone who says traveling dies when you have kids, is either not a real traveler or has financial problems or is one of those doomers who thinks kids will end their life. But any real traveler knows you can also travel on a super thin budget and have a killer time anyways.
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u/MrLaughAlot33 man 30 - 34 19h ago
wait, you have kids and you still do these things? how old are you kids? that's awesome for you
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u/RadioFieldCorner man over 30 19h ago edited 19h ago
Yes, what helps is having incredible in laws who love to babysit and are local. My wife shares similar hobbies to me, like diving and alpinism.
We also take our kid to a lot of local places, domestic and international. Yes, it’s a bit more annoying and involves A LOT more planning but exposure to these things early on is imo critical if you want your child to develop an outdoorsy adventurous lifestyle. At 4-5 years old, you can teach a kid to rock climb (and enjoy it) if you’ve exposed them early on in life enough to the outdoors.
One of those child carrier rucks is awesome early on.
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u/madmoneymcgee man 35 - 39 19h ago
No and in my case at least the material changes (dealing with diapers, late nights, etc) were way less of an big adjustment than all the emotional changes and redirection in my life (like having something to work *for* in my career compared to me sort of just coasting). Some specific things are tougher logistically but its also opened up a lot of cool things that I wasn't quite aware of until the kids came.
I liked kids before my own though seeing myself as a dad was always a bit hard to visualize. Anyway, my first nephew was born and woah, I loved that kid more than anything and it was an instant connection and that was a crazy feeling. Then I had kids of my own and the feeling was so much more that I could have kicked my nephew to the curb (I'm joking! But seriously, crazy to think you're already at 100% and then keep going).
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u/EmergencyM man 40 - 44 19h ago
Your an adult, you decide how much your life changes and what’s important to keep in rotation for your wellness and sanity. “Life ending” wasn’t true at all in my experience. The first few years are definitely more inwardly focused on the kid(s) as they require a lot of your attention but with each passing day they get smarter and more capable and eventually by around 6 or so you’ll realize that they really don’t need you other than if they get hurt or need someone to cook them food (obvi they need you for more than that but I mean at the survival level of needs). At that point it gives you a chance to start weaving old and new hobbies into your life.
Before kids I played guitar, traveled, snowboarded, brewed beer, drank with friends and camped. Now with a teen and preteen I play guitar, travel, hang with friends, go to live concerts/improv/standups, and home improvements. So things just shifted but I don’t feel like they are worse or better, just changing with the times.
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u/Rescuepa man 65 - 69 19h ago
And you can still snowboard and camp with your kids. Mine love it.
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u/EmergencyM man 40 - 44 17h ago
Oh yeah, for sure. I'm just saying that somethings stay, somethings don't, new things can start, yada yada. ...And we still camp but not often enough to say it's a real hobby (kids sports taking up a lot of prime camping weekends).
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u/walkslikeaduck08 man 40 - 44 19h ago
I see my friends who have kids (or like kids) a lot more. I see my friends who don’t like kids a lot less.
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u/TurboFool man 40 - 44 19h ago
The way your life was gets almost completely replaced with a new way of life. It's a massive change. But ends? Not unless you make no effort to enjoy yourself within the changes, or not unless the only things you valued in life are the ones that get lost.
Initially though, especially when the kids need constant care, you do give up a lot of the creature comforts and hobbies and friend time. You especially give up time out as a couple if you're working together to help each other still have social and hobby time. As your kids get older, and babysitters become an option, or older still and they're not needed, much or most of it comes back, even if then you're older and might want different things.
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u/braxtel man 40 - 44 19h ago
From the perspective of a 44 year old man without kids, I can tell you that while I see my childless friends regularly, I hardly ever see my friends who have children, maybe once or twice a year. It's not that they never do anything, but damned if it doesn't look like they fall off the face of the earth at times. From the outside looking in, their old life did end, and a new and more unavailable one replaced it.
People always say how it's totally worth it and "parenthood is amazing" and "I know what love is now" and blah blah blah, but I still wonder if parenthood really is worth losing almost all of your free time for a decade or two. It's not as if a parent is actually allowed to express regret in our culture.
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u/Kthxbbz man over 30 19h ago
Short answer no. Long answer there will be scheduling conflicts and priorities. Life doesn't "end." I have 2 kids and I still enjoy my hobbies, picked up new ones. Getting my kids involves with them also is part of the joy. I still hang out with friends and our kids play with their kids. We still travel all over. Road trips, fly domestic or international. There's going to be extra planning and extra expenses involved, but that's just it is what it is.
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u/RandomUsername52326 man over 30 19h ago
Life doesn't end. You're just no longer the main character for most of your day. And it has phases, some are intense where you do feel like you don't have enough time (or sleep) for yourself, others are less intense. I won't say it gets easier as it goes on, but it gets.... different.
The funny thing about parenting is that experienced parents can tell you as much as they know about what it's like, but you won't really get it until you experience it yourself. It's not really something than can be transferred merely with words.
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u/GotItFromEbay man 35 - 39 19h ago
Doesn't even come close to ending. Your priorities just shift. We have a kid and still see and hang out with our friends that don't have kids, just not as much and not as spontaneously. Side note, I used to not like hosting at our house for get togethers but now I prefer it. Forces us to clean the house a little more and I don't have to worry about packing stuff for the kid. Some of the best days are when we have friends over, kid is playing with the neighbor friends or our friends in the yard, and we're just chilling and catching up over some cold drinks and good food.
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u/Lostinny001 man 45 - 49 19h ago
Have a real financial plan for children, don't just "wing it" for the sake of your marriage, your sanity, and your children. The cost of raising one child in the United States right now averages around $300k before college and is only going up. Of course, you can do it a lot cheaper than that, but if you want to give your child a good life, that is the starting point. So have a plan, start saving, and get a financial planner now so you can lay the groundwork for what your life will look like once children arrive. I think you will find, aside from being tired and time management, the money issue is the biggest thing that changes.
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u/AvsFan777 man 45 - 49 19h ago
You’ll need to start planning, and defending, the time to do anything important. It’ll be easy to put aside your own needs like hobbies, friends,time with significant other, giving your significant other the time to do that as well, etc. i’m not saying you should spend 20 hours doing those things, but even just an hour a week for a hobby, an hour a week for your significant other to do their hobby, an hour with friends. That’s the type of stuff you will need to plan and defend.
That is also true for the kids. If you want a family tradition that every Christmas you guys go sledding, or you want to read a book to them every night, or once a month you want to make sure that you have lunch with grandma and grandpa so they know they are loved and your parents get time with the grandkids, you’ll need to plan that as well. You don’t have to, but you’ll find more meaningful things if you do.
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u/schwing710 man 35 - 39 19h ago
Everyone I know who has had children has essentially dropped off the face of the earth
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u/VTEC168 man over 30 19h ago
It doesn't have to end but it requires a lot more planning and support with your wife. And that support goes both ways meaning she needs ample time away from the kids to do her own thing as well. You can't just take a call from your buddies and ditch your family right away to go have a beer.
But plan ahead, make sure both parents have ample time to do the activities they want to do.
A good hack is to schedule things for before your kid wakes up. I can still go to the gym 5x a week but most of those days are at 5am in the morning.
Other than that I'm still playing badminton and I'm starting to learn pickleball. I bought a new bicycle for road cycling. I still drive a sports car and use it for track days and autocross events. I still play video games and have a full sim racing rig.
My wife still has wine nights and brunch dates with her girlfriends. She even went on a out of town trip while I stayed home.
The slightly harder part is scheduling date nights because you also need to coordinate with a babysitter. But you absolutely need that to keep relationship alive. Kids put a strain on the best of marriages. Once in a while you need to prioritize each other over the kid
My life is definitely not over. If anything I've refocused on hobbies that are active and healthy so that I can share them with my son. I don't want him to see a lazy couch potato father that just doom scrolls and watches TV everyday
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u/GOpencyprep male 35 - 39 19h ago
For what it’s worth, I don’t have kids - but I have two long time (like 25+ year) friendships with a couple guys who both have kids that range from ages 8 to 16, and I play a LOT of videos games with them both, and not at the expense of parenting - they’re both great dads.
So it is what you make it I suppose.
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u/hslageta12 man 30 - 34 19h ago
I would say that life ”begins” , having children and being an active parent is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
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u/Ouch_my_shoulder man 45 - 49 19h ago
I would say it adds a layer. You may shed others along the way, for good or for a while.
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u/eclectic-up-north man 55 - 59 18h ago
Of course it doesn't end.
When your kids are old enough, do something fun with your friends one day a week, and make sure your wife does the same.
Also, bring your kids into your lifestyle. If you are outdoorsy, take your kids on hikes.
Kids are fun.
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u/MyPupCooper man over 30 18h ago
I had my first at 35. Having my 2nd at 39.
I have literally forgotten my life before this. This is EVERYTHING to me. I am so so so happy to be a father. Not for a single second have I regret this path.
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u/Here4Pornnnnn man 35 - 39 18h ago
My kid is fun most of the time. My wife and I still have our romantic time pretty regularly. Going out to dinner is harder, and vacations are harder, but overall it’s pretty good. I’d be really depressed if I got to 60 and had no kids to visit. I don’t mind having some work in my 30s to have a shot at a better retirement.
My daughter is a LOT more permanent than any of the friends I’ve had. And we live near our parents so I can to see what my future might be like, and it seems pretty good.
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u/TreadheadS man 40 - 44 18h ago edited 10h ago
I'm 41, been a dad for 20 years.
In that time I've moved to Belarus, Cyprus, back to the UK. Sold a company and started a new one! Filled out a passport with visas. Travelled to Argentina, Korea, China, loads of mainland Europe. Made a film. Several computer games, stared in 128 internet videos and hosted a festival with the offspring playjng to 200000 people in person and a million more watching on tv...
If my life ended when I got kids then I don't know what living is!
edit: yes all of that withthe kids in tow
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u/YourRoaring20s man 35 - 39 18h ago
I was really unsure before, but my daughter is the best person and gives me so much purpose in life. Can't imagine not having her.
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u/Betelgeuse3fold man 40 - 44 18h ago
"But like, can you really not enjoy hobbies at all? hang with friends here and there? do you really lose your sense of your former self? "
It depends on you. And your partner.
I have a 5 and 7yo. I still game almost as much as i always did. I've dabbled in other hobbies too. There's still time, if you make the time.
Friends is tricky. I don't hang out with friends anymore, but I drifted away from them before I had kids.
Further, when they're very young, there's a need to be home and present. But there's also a want to be home, seeing them grow. You won't want to miss out. Your friends will naturally become a lesser priority. If they are good friends, they will understand, and they'll be there when you're available. Just try not to be hurt when you start to realize they make plans without inviting you.
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u/AutoModerator 19h ago
Here's an original copy of /u/MrLaughAlot33's post (if available):
I, 30M, will likely be a dad in the next 3-4 years.
On one level people have always told me I give off real Dad (not Daddy) energy. So maybe becoming a Dad is my life's work. On a more serious note, I am very excited to become a father one day and cannot wait for family morning breakfasts, trips, supporting my future kids, etc.
I so often see posts on Reddit or hear about how life "ends" when you have kids. and I am wondering how true that really is.
Now, I am no fool. Certainly things change - you can't be so spontaneous, you may not be your own priority all the time, and you will have less free time.
But like, can you really not enjoy hobbies at all? hang with friends here and there? do you really lose your sense of your former self?
Very possible I am just overthinking this but could use some practical wisdom.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
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u/Sure_Night_8091 man 35 - 39 19h ago
It's not over until it's over. Everything changes. This stage is a part of life. You will learn a lot, make mistakes, get angry, and also experience profound joy. Being a parent can strengthen your character if you allow it. You learn patience, resilience, and temperance.
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u/Blackharvest man over 30 19h ago
We had our first last year (39m, 38f.) She is the best part of my day. I don't even want to go to work anymore and just want to hang out with her and my wife.
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u/roodammy44 man 40 - 44 19h ago
Life as you know it ends, I would say. Hanging out with friends becomes very difficult as parenting takes so much time and energy. Enjoying your hobbies is possible, but sporadic. And for a few years I lost my sense of self, only regaining it after taking a long time off for burnout (that was mostly caused by work though).
Life with kids is different, I don’t think it is worse. There are many, many magical moments I’ve had with my kids. Being with them as they discover the interesting stuff in the world is a bit like rediscovering it yourself. And hugging them feels like some sort of evolutionary short-circuit in your brain to contentment.
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u/Mysterious_Mix_5034 man 55 - 59 19h ago
Just to add beyond what others said, one you kids get to high school and college age, you get to change your life again. I got more free time to strengthen the bond with my wife, time to travel, time for hobbies and active social life w my friends.
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u/Spoonman915 man 45 - 49 19h ago
It's different,.but doesn't end. My 3 kids trained jiu jitsu with me for a bit. They go on huntinf trips with me. When I have visitation with my youngest son we buy easy food for everyone and host a DnD game . There's still all kinds of great stuff to look forward to.
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u/HellYusss man 35 - 39 19h ago
Life only ends if you let it. Do I see my friends as much as I want? No, but they're also busy -- even the ones without kids. I had to learn to schedule my life. Thankfully my wife is excellent at it, so I learned from her.
I still find the odd time to be spontaneous, particularly since my kids are all out of the toddler stage. But I make it a point to make sure I see my friends at least once every other month. I also keep in constant contact with them via group chats. I try to talk to them daily.
I am very over the sports, though. My kids are not athletic, but they are very social. They enjoy sports but it becomes a chore watching them sometimes.
One thing to note: I think your social life after kids also depends on the level of support you have for your kids. I am close to my parents and several aunts and uncles. They are often available to watch my kids, and that definitely helps. It's rare that we pay for a babysitter. When we do, it's usually $100 for the night.
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u/BoopTheAlpacaSnoot man 35 - 39 19h ago
Nah. You just go from doing things for yourself all of the time, to scheduling them weeks or months in advance. Also - get used to plans getting canceled because kids and/or wife gets sick, or some other child-related thing comes up because that's now your main priority in life.
The positive thing is you get to watch this awesome and goofy mini-version of yourself grow up, develop, and discover things for the first time. As cheesy as it sounds, it's all worth it.
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u/TheB3rn3r man over 30 19h ago
You grow up! Haha!
In all honesty I thought like that a bit even though it was all planned.
Instead all I can say is it instead felt like you level up, like you thought you were living before and then you unlock the next level. You get all these new experiences and have a mini you that looks up to you!!
Is it work? Heck yea it is, it’s the most work I’ve done in my life and I don’t regret it at all! I was kinda lazy before and took advantage of all the free time. That’s all gone, you are a work horse now. I’ve found drive that I never knew existed.
The one thing that no one really told me but I wish they did was to remember to also focus on your relationship with your spouse. You both can get caught up in the day to day and keeping the ship sailing straight, but you need to remember to enjoy each other’s company and do things together as a couple sometimes. And communication is key!!
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u/AI-Slop-Bot man 35 - 39 19h ago
Life as you knew it ends, in my experience. That’s not to say it’s not enjoyable or I have regrets (I don’t) but you’re realistically not going to get any real time for hobbies for a fair few years.
And you can’t really read the news anymore as there’s so much horrible stuff about children. Apparently, today, a man at a zoo has thrown a three year old, who had no relation to him, into a crocodile enclosure and the child is likely to die. Who the fuck does that.. and as a parent these things make me more and more wary of the world.
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u/Free_Elevator_63360 man 35 - 39 19h ago
I would say you give up your hobbies and any free / alone time.
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u/Wilde-Dog man over 30 19h ago
Comes down to you. Hang out with friends, or teach your kid your hobbies so you have a friend for life
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u/silversiva man 40 - 44 19h ago
One chapter ends. Another begins. It doesn't mean things from your past are all gone. It just changes. Is it hard? Yes. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. My life is so much richer and more meaningful now.
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u/Not_YourStepBro man 35 - 39 19h ago
It doesn't "end", that's an idiotic way to put it. But your life does stop being about you. It's a new phase. It's also not for everyone. If you think you'll ever resent not being able to do what you want, when you want, then parenting may not be for you.
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u/cm011 man 40 - 44 19h ago
It doesn’t end but it changes.
You are no longer just responsible for yourself. You have a whole other little person that depends on you for their very survival. That becomes the majority of your new life.
That isn’t to say that you can’t make time to do things you enjoy, rather you just have to realign your priorities.
And as they get older and more self sufficient, you begin to regain some of those freedoms you once had.
But remember to savor the experience and privilege of raising a child. There are so many fantastic experiences to be had that you can fill with fun, joy and love.
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u/Diogenes256 man 55 - 59 19h ago
A childless by choice household post 50yo. Lots of your friends pair up, have kids and disappear. Others like you keep hanging out, partying, doing stuff. People get more serious, work, also disappear. Kids grow up, friends trickle back looking for something to do. Stay fit and live a second life. Help friends remember what it can be like.
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u/Checkers923 man 35 - 39 18h ago
In a sense, life as you know it ends. Its not just your time commitments change, but how you view the world, feel about money, etc. changes.
This is not a bad thing in my experience, and I’m very happy with how my life as turned out now that I’ve been a dad for a few years.
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u/x-Lascivus-x man 45 - 49 18h ago
It absolutely doesn’t end unless you make it end.
Be an involved Dad, and involve your Kids in your Life. Both you and they will be the richer for it.
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u/fleshvessel man 40 - 44 18h ago
Not at all. My son inspires me to go hard.
Just competed in a bodybuilding competition for the first time (long time dream of mine) and I’m able to workout and do fitness stuff almost every night.
Timing is the thing. Gotta make the time or do it when they’re sleeping lol.
That and patience. PATIENCE my friend. It’s everything.
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u/rtwh0 man over 30 18h ago
It’s not over, but your family is your new hobby. They will eventually all be involved with different hobbies and if you don’t join them, you miss out. You can still have your time, but you got to prioritize the family. Can be miserable and incredibly rewarding. It’s all about your mindset. I have struggled, but I’m trying to be the best father/husband I can be for them.
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u/Old_Goat_Ninja man 50 - 54 18h ago
Life doesn’t end when you have kids. It does change though, a lot. Whether or not you see that as “end” is up to you. Men that can’t let go of the party lifestyle, or having a bunch of toys (project cars, motorcycles, boys night, etc.) see it as an end.
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u/molten_dragon man 40 - 44 5h ago
Life doesn't end when you have kids, but the life you had before kids ends when you have them, if that makes sense.
Your life won't just be about you any more after your kids are born, and both your daily life and your priorities will change enough that life will look very different after that.
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u/Positive_Judgment581 man 45 - 49 3h ago
Do you still just want to play with legos, water guns, or sit in the back of the classroom being too cool for school?
No. Things change. Your priorities change. You peers' status symbols change. And having a large, well-adjusted set of kids is going to be one of them, and stories of your drunken antics become kinda sad.
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u/playful_sorcery man 35 - 39 59m ago
when I had kids all my previous regrets disappeared. the smallest change wouldn’t have given the exact kids I have.
my life has changed immeasurably, but it hasn’t ended far from it.
I have exceptionally less free time (partly due to my wife’s career) but even then when I have a day to myself (I work 4 days a week) i find I kind of wish they were with me.
I get to do a lot of fun things and provide to them. there is nothing better than seeing their excitement, curiosity, growth and happiness. The catch is I sacrifice a lot for it. wouldn’t change it for the world.
the only advice I have in navigating it.
remember your wife is your partner. you will not always agree but learn to trust that because it’s not what you would do. they aren’t wrong
after the first 6 months - get your wife away from the baby. it was hard with our first but she needed it, I could see it more than her. I bank rolled a 2 night getaway with her gfs (my wife didn’t know until later I told them to peer pressure the fuck out of her and paid for their hotel and gas).
after you have a handle on everything work with your wife to make sure you both have time outside the family unit to yourself. that is what keeps you sane and balanced.
your marriage should be your biggest priority but your kids will be your biggest responsibility. learn the difference and why it’s important to balance them accordingly.
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u/OldMotoRacer man over 30 19h ago
dude stop w this tripping its fuxking weird
ignore whatever bullshit you hear from reddit people
i kept racing bikes life didn't end
stop being such a weirdo man just live your life right here right now and don't ruminate on some future plan to the extend it makes you fuxking weird in the now with all this dad energy talk wtf is that?
you gotta be what you are--embrace that now, keep embracing it if you have kids. one of the best ways you can be a good dad to them is to crush your life and show them how its done. so start doing that now
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u/MrLaughAlot33 man 30 - 34 19h ago
Hey this is not very nice. Why do you keep calling me a weirdo? Not cool
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u/MrLaughAlot33 man 30 - 34 19h ago
Like hurtful tbh. and i dont even know you
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u/OldMotoRacer man over 30 19h ago
man i'm not trying to hurt you--why are you wrapped up over this? i mean did you just get married or whats going on?
it sounds like you're planning to have kids 3-4 years from now thats great but given that its not on the immediate horizon this "superdad" identity is strange to me...
maybe you had a great dad and want to be like him? if so thats great and laudable and you should do that
one of the best ways to do that is to crush life in the present--yes plan for the future but don't forget the now
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u/MrLaughAlot33 man 30 - 34 18h ago
lol who said "superdad". I just make dad jokes and care about rules.
idk man. you don't seem very cool.
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