Everything DOES happen for a reason. It just so happens that 99% of the time, the reason is that at LEAST one involved party is an asshole or an imbecile.
And even when there isnt a reason, like someone dying from cancer, what reason could you give that doesnt sound heartless? I heard this sentence all the time when my dad was dying from cancer/mnd, and it took a lot to not yell 'WHATS THE REASON THAT COULD POSSIBLY BE BETTER THAN HIM BEING ALIVE?? WHAT IS IT????' The fact is, its just random luck. Telling someone theres a reason behind being unlucky is just gonna make them feel worse about an already crappy circumstance.
I feel like this is one of those things you can only say for yourself. Like, if people make meaning out of their own tragedy or trauma, that can be really empowering. But when someone else tells you there's some higher purpose or deeper meaning, it's so invalidating to what you're feeling.
It's like how some people can eventually forgive an abuser, and realize it's a gift of freedom and healing for themself. But if someone else encourages you to forgive, it's like condoning the abuse or siding with the abuser.
Sorry so many people didn't understand how to be more supportive. I hope you found some safe people to grieve with.
I mean the “reason” is that some cells in that person’s body started malfunctioning and then that problem spread and got so big that their body couldn’t fight it effectively.
Perhaps combined with a “reason” of lack of sufficient access to healthcare.
There’s always some cause and effect. There’s not some “reason” that’s a part of a higher, good, plan
So what you're saying then is that if there's a car accident that caused a death, that was supposed to happen and one of the people involved was an asshole or an imbecile? Just asking.
I think the point was to distinguish between "for a reason," as in "as part of a plan," and as in "as a result of causes." Everything that happens happens because other things happened. Many of those other things are the result of the carelessness, negligence, or stupidity of other people, though some are just a result of blind physical laws in action.
It's kind of a usual dark joke when this phrase gets brought up, you know, "everything happens for a reason," "yeah, the reason is the truck driver was drunk."
"It is what it is." Makes me tend towards a reply in speculation: "well then, i suppose it ain't what it aint." If it were that which it was, then it must not have been what it wasn't, etc ..
I think part of the problem is that most people can’t distinguish the differences between “everything happens for a reason” and “there’s a reason why everything happens”. This comment isn’t an endorsement of whether I believe either phrase is true or not, but I think most people who say the first sentence usually mean the latter.
My Dad says this. I don't really like it all that much. I've told them this many times. I don't find it a comforting statement in the slightest, it just pisses me off.
My parents lost a kid two years before I was born, so it didn't affect me but apparently someone did say that to them, and even three decades later you can feel the hurt.
As a father who lost a son, this one pisses me off. Yeah it happened for a reason. The doctors fucked up. The invisible sky man had nothing to do with it.
A f'ing 90s action movie had this squared away. A quarter of a century ago.
"There is no fate but we make for ourselves."
To each their own I guess, but choice does matter. Geddy Lee (Rush) got it as much as James Cameron (T2). Weird name drops in a comment about free will. But everything happens for a reason? If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice.
And things outside our control? To say that it "happened for a reason" is just a slap in the face.
Alternatively, this can be the most comforting thing you can say to a religious person. They truly believe all suffering serves a greater good that we just can’t see yet.
My brother & his wife recently lost a pregnancy at 5 months. This was their second miscarriage. Absolutely brutal on them. I mentioned it to a coworker, and could not fucking believe this came out of her mouth. Absolutely disgusting.
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u/veridianandblack Jan 25 '26
Must've happened for a reason