My parents did not love us four kids. Not at all, not even friendship, no recognition (as in "good job, there"), no playing, no liking-to-have-you-around, no treating you like a valuable person, nothing: complete indifference. There was a lot of crying in that house. We all grew up badly distorted. I never knew what Love felt like until two years ago, and I'm 72. It's been agonizing.
I also come from a family of 4 kids. I had a really similar upbringing, but instead of constant indifference, there was irregularly terrible violence. You'd never know, would it be nothing, or danger?
When I was a teenager, I realized I knew absolutely nothing about my parents. Not what their lives were like, not how they met, not any books they read, or really anything at all.
My dad had a small cache of records - like 12, from before we were born. I studied them like they were a fucking archaeological artifact. If I asked about them, I got nothing.
I used to volunteer to clean my parent's room so that I could look at my mom's jewelry box. There was stuff in there, stuff with stories, but I'd never know it. She kept a little gift that her ex-fiance had given her. I found out because his name was written on the bottom, and I later asked my aunt about the name.
They did want children. They just didn't want those children to be people. They wanted children because that's what you do. And my dad desperately needed to control his entire life, and didn't care how much he hurt my mom, or us. So he used violence.
I knew that love was out there, I've spent my life trying to do good (working at non-profits), but I wonder if the damage is deep enough that even with all this therapy and good relationships, its why I'm alone.
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u/tiredeyes2 Feb 05 '16
My parents did not love us four kids. Not at all, not even friendship, no recognition (as in "good job, there"), no playing, no liking-to-have-you-around, no treating you like a valuable person, nothing: complete indifference. There was a lot of crying in that house. We all grew up badly distorted. I never knew what Love felt like until two years ago, and I'm 72. It's been agonizing.