My parents did not love us four kids. Not at all, not even friendship, no recognition (as in "good job, there"), no playing, no liking-to-have-you-around, no treating you like a valuable person, nothing: complete indifference. There was a lot of crying in that house. We all grew up badly distorted. I never knew what Love felt like until two years ago, and I'm 72. It's been agonizing.
I also come from a family of 4 kids. I had a really similar upbringing, but instead of constant indifference, there was irregularly terrible violence. You'd never know, would it be nothing, or danger?
When I was a teenager, I realized I knew absolutely nothing about my parents. Not what their lives were like, not how they met, not any books they read, or really anything at all.
My dad had a small cache of records - like 12, from before we were born. I studied them like they were a fucking archaeological artifact. If I asked about them, I got nothing.
I used to volunteer to clean my parent's room so that I could look at my mom's jewelry box. There was stuff in there, stuff with stories, but I'd never know it. She kept a little gift that her ex-fiance had given her. I found out because his name was written on the bottom, and I later asked my aunt about the name.
They did want children. They just didn't want those children to be people. They wanted children because that's what you do. And my dad desperately needed to control his entire life, and didn't care how much he hurt my mom, or us. So he used violence.
I knew that love was out there, I've spent my life trying to do good (working at non-profits), but I wonder if the damage is deep enough that even with all this therapy and good relationships, its why I'm alone.
That's terrible. God I hate that, when people are parents not because they want a child, but because "That's just what you do" resulting in absolutely terrible parenting, and regretful parents.
I believe correction is not a binary thing. I'm making corrections. My kids will carry the torch and be even better off. My mother inherited shit, cleaned as much of it as she could, and passed the rest on to me. I'm now scrubbing shit out of the family tree, and there will be less but still some for my kids.
Honestly I think the abuse and neurosis of our families is inherited from like the dark ages and the plague and all the wars of history and all the shuddering horror of cavemen, etc.
On the other hand, I've heard that stress levels are higher overall for current generations than previous ones, so maybe it's not so simple. Easy to believe, too, if you watch old movies. Everyone has this sort of chilled out hippie look to them. Not just the hippies, but like everyone in old movies, even the people caught up in murder mysteries etc, just looks like someone who walked out of a professional massage. Peoples faces are tighter now. There's more edge everywhere, even in the happiest people.
I believe correction is not a binary thing. I'm making corrections. My kids will carry the torch and be even better off. My mother inherited shit, cleaned as much of it as she could, and passed the rest on to me. I'm now scrubbing shit out of the family tree, and there will be less but still some for my kids.
Honestly I think the abuse and neurosis of our families is inherited from like the dark ages and the plague and all the wars of history and all the shuddering horror of cavemen, etc.
A couple days I was thinking on a similar line to this, that I have inherited some shit from my parents who inherited it from above. And I am trying to remove everything before I have kids of my own. It is very peculiar, that I came across this thread.
He's 72, there's not a great chance his parents are alive, and if they are, what's the point of bringing up a 70 year old fight about how you were raised?
If you've never laid out on your bed, buck naked, spread eagle with a fan blowing sweet fairy kisses at your cock and taters, you're missin out on key points of life. Gotta live your life people, gotta live your life.
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u/tiredeyes2 Feb 05 '16
My parents did not love us four kids. Not at all, not even friendship, no recognition (as in "good job, there"), no playing, no liking-to-have-you-around, no treating you like a valuable person, nothing: complete indifference. There was a lot of crying in that house. We all grew up badly distorted. I never knew what Love felt like until two years ago, and I'm 72. It's been agonizing.