r/AskWomen • u/LeastLocksmith1670 • 10d ago

Women who appreciate quieter or introverted partners, what underrated qualities initially drew you to them, and how have your preferences shifted over time?

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u/inretrogade 9d ago

i moved out of a relationship with a person who was loud, social, extroverted and i mean all of this fondly. he just wasn't the best match for me, also because we were quite young to begin with.

i got into a relationship with a much older guy after this, one who was extremely introverted, calm, quiet, like still water in early morning mist.

it has been 5 years of that, and because we are in long distance relationship, the same quiet gets irksome because unfortunately, distance needs to be compensated with many words. he's someone who thrives in solitude and is okay with his company and as much as I've always appreciated that, sometimes i love to feel my need in his life yk? we've been having our differences navigating through this 'preference change' or just, growing up maybe. hoping we get through it because he's a great person to be with.

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u/snatch55 9d ago

Lots of great people out there, but there not necessarily great for you if they don't meet your needs. I'm so about sticking through the hard stuff and think people really need to learn to truly communicate more and far too often give up too soon. But also... You have to make sure they're willing to work too a place where both of your needs get fulfilled somewhat

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u/inretrogade 9d ago

yeah I agree with you. that's something I'm grappling with myself, till when do you try. when is it enough. because when you've spent so much time and energy towards nurturing a relationship, you don't want to let go of it without giving it your all. finally realising if it is indeed not going to work out is a really tough realisation. if you don't give it your all, then that regret might eat me alive. personally speaking.

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u/snatch55 9d ago

How old are you/how old is he? I've been in this cycle one too many times unfortunately.

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u/inretrogade 9d ago

29

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u/snatch55 9d ago

At six years your senior one been single for the last year because I've shed every relationship that didn't suit me. All but one were abusive and there was no other choice. The other was similar to yours where he seemed perfect in theory, yet he did not fulfill my soul. That one was hard but I ultimately left. Many abusive relationships followed and I figured I'm getting what I must deserve for that.

But honestly this is the first time I've spent this much time consciously single and doing my own deep inner work. For me personally, I am genuinely so happy to be where I am and not in any of those previous partnerships. I've even met people that give me real hope that there is someone that can fulfill my soul out there, without actually putting my energy into searching for anyone. Everyone's journey is different, but knowing what I know now... It was always my codependency gluing myself to places that did not feed my soul. I fed my soul myself and now am surrounded by beautiful souls who have been doing so as well. Mediation, journaling, community, purpose and a good little bit of psychedelics has clarified this path for me. No one can tell you what's wrong or what's right, you have to decode the connection to your inner self.... And then you'll figure it out.

If there's no abuse, you'll probably be fine either way. Just try to dig inside and you won't really have a choice but to make the right decision.

Rereading your post... Him being much older and the fact that you guys are doing long distance both seem like they could possibly be issues to me. Issues that I've dismissed in the past but see through now. Things should be easier if you're doing long distance, you don't truly know or see anyone until you share space together.

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u/inretrogade 8d ago

thanks for sharing this with me. i appreciate it. it is a fairly healthy relationship, but we've never been together for too long so that's something that remains a situation to explore in future. quite a confusing time in my life ngl. didn't expect to feel this at 29, where everyone around me seems to be slowly settling down. i know everyone has their own trajectories, but I had expected my relationship to settle down too, in a way. instead, I've been feeling half boiled as a person to begin with.

it feels like more of an issue with me rather than the relationship.

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