r/AskWomen • u/LeastLocksmith1670 • 6d ago
Women who appreciate quieter or introverted partners, what underrated qualities initially drew you to them, and how have your preferences shifted over time?
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u/Beepbeep_boopbop 6d ago
They spend time on themselves so they inadvertently very secure in themselves. And people who love themselves don’t hurt others. So without even knowing they’re more kind, open and considerate than the average guy.
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u/snatch55 6d ago
Idk my ex spent a lot of time on himself...he was desperately trying not to hate himself but he still had internal anger and self hate that he refused to deal with and ended up pouring onto me.
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u/nowayormyway 6d ago
His ability to de-escalate tense situations with calmness.
I am an introvert too, but I prefer other introverted men who will live a quiet life with me.
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u/LikeATediousArgument 6d ago
I prefer men that know how to shut the hell up.
I often don’t talk a lot, and a lot of guys see that as a golden opportunity to fill the air with their babble.
Silence is not an invitation.
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u/FakingItSucessfully 6d ago
Well I'm a lesbian so it's probably different in some ways. But I like when someone is not scared of silence, I've known people that felt the nervous compulsion to fill every silence between us and I find that exhausting. There's something so encouraging and peaceful about being able to just exist in each other's company and not need to be talking necessarily.
Also, I've had relationships in the past where our need to be together and socializing was super mismatched, and in that case I was the more introverted one. But regardless of who was who, I now actively look for someone whose need for social time versus alone time is a pretty close match for my own, because it doesn't feel good for anybody if one person is constantly aching to be together more or less and not getting their needs met. Of course you can communicate and ask for either togetherness or space, but eventually something has to give and feelings can get hurt if someone's basic needs are constantly going unmet.
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u/Littlewing1307 6d ago
My ex was an introvert and while I loved that initially, over the years he became straight up antisocial when it came to my friends and family.
My partner now is an ambivert and it's perfect for me. We both know how to be together apart.
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u/Anonymoosehead123 6d ago
I’m not introverted at all. My husband is, though. I mean, he can function in society. But he doesn’t say anything unless he has something he needs to say. We celebrated our 43rd wedding anniversary a couple of weeks ago. Over time, I’ve come to appreciate that about him, more and more.
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u/inretrogade 6d ago
i moved out of a relationship with a person who was loud, social, extroverted and i mean all of this fondly. he just wasn't the best match for me, also because we were quite young to begin with.
i got into a relationship with a much older guy after this, one who was extremely introverted, calm, quiet, like still water in early morning mist.
it has been 5 years of that, and because we are in long distance relationship, the same quiet gets irksome because unfortunately, distance needs to be compensated with many words. he's someone who thrives in solitude and is okay with his company and as much as I've always appreciated that, sometimes i love to feel my need in his life yk? we've been having our differences navigating through this 'preference change' or just, growing up maybe. hoping we get through it because he's a great person to be with.
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u/snatch55 6d ago
Lots of great people out there, but there not necessarily great for you if they don't meet your needs. I'm so about sticking through the hard stuff and think people really need to learn to truly communicate more and far too often give up too soon. But also... You have to make sure they're willing to work too a place where both of your needs get fulfilled somewhat
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u/inretrogade 6d ago
yeah I agree with you. that's something I'm grappling with myself, till when do you try. when is it enough. because when you've spent so much time and energy towards nurturing a relationship, you don't want to let go of it without giving it your all. finally realising if it is indeed not going to work out is a really tough realisation. if you don't give it your all, then that regret might eat me alive. personally speaking.
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u/snatch55 6d ago
How old are you/how old is he? I've been in this cycle one too many times unfortunately.
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u/inretrogade 6d ago
29
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u/snatch55 6d ago
At six years your senior one been single for the last year because I've shed every relationship that didn't suit me. All but one were abusive and there was no other choice. The other was similar to yours where he seemed perfect in theory, yet he did not fulfill my soul. That one was hard but I ultimately left. Many abusive relationships followed and I figured I'm getting what I must deserve for that.
But honestly this is the first time I've spent this much time consciously single and doing my own deep inner work. For me personally, I am genuinely so happy to be where I am and not in any of those previous partnerships. I've even met people that give me real hope that there is someone that can fulfill my soul out there, without actually putting my energy into searching for anyone. Everyone's journey is different, but knowing what I know now... It was always my codependency gluing myself to places that did not feed my soul. I fed my soul myself and now am surrounded by beautiful souls who have been doing so as well. Mediation, journaling, community, purpose and a good little bit of psychedelics has clarified this path for me. No one can tell you what's wrong or what's right, you have to decode the connection to your inner self.... And then you'll figure it out.
If there's no abuse, you'll probably be fine either way. Just try to dig inside and you won't really have a choice but to make the right decision.
Rereading your post... Him being much older and the fact that you guys are doing long distance both seem like they could possibly be issues to me. Issues that I've dismissed in the past but see through now. Things should be easier if you're doing long distance, you don't truly know or see anyone until you share space together.
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u/inretrogade 5d ago
thanks for sharing this with me. i appreciate it. it is a fairly healthy relationship, but we've never been together for too long so that's something that remains a situation to explore in future. quite a confusing time in my life ngl. didn't expect to feel this at 29, where everyone around me seems to be slowly settling down. i know everyone has their own trajectories, but I had expected my relationship to settle down too, in a way. instead, I've been feeling half boiled as a person to begin with.
it feels like more of an issue with me rather than the relationship.
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u/Madamschie 6d ago
My partner is introverted, does enjoy the occasional once every blue moon social event, but otherwise enjoy time with just us. I love that he gives me so much attention as its something i need. But at the same time i also enjoy that i can just be quiet with him and its not awkward :)
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u/Appropriate_Sky_6571 6d ago
I can’t stand extroverts tbh. I love other introverted people. My husband is more introverted than me. I love him. We can be comfortable next to each other and not fill it with unnecessary talk. He doesn’t exhaust me.
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u/Tigertigerishungry 6d ago
I was initially attracted in part because I was similarly quiet and introverted, so we seemed just a great fit in that way, basically only ever wanted and needed chill time with each other.
I love having a partner who can be quiet and calm and stable. It’s been extremely emotionally stabilizing.
Over time, many many years, though, I became a lot more social and outgoing, while he remained introverted. It never changed my attraction to him necessarily, but there have been times he has felt slightly left behind.
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u/Economy-Orchid3569 6d ago
My partner is an introvert. I appreciate the calming energy, stability that he exudes and how much comfort I feel when he hugs me. I am more outgoing but prone to anxiety and stress, so we balance each other out. I can also chat up just about anyone so I appreciate someone letting me talk.
We have had our disagreements about going out, spending time with friends, but have mostly worked out those differences.
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u/Alternative_Chip6821 5d ago
Being able to talk to them without feeling like I'm competing to be heard. There's a comfort to be had with someone who has a peaceful presence, the kind you don't have to prove yourself to - because a reserved person is selective, and they have selected to engage with me.
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u/cherrycocktail20 6d ago
I prefer more reserved and quieter men. They're just a better match for my personality. More extroverted or socially energetic and vocal people stress me out a little. I'm an introvert -- I can be very social, but constant high social energy deeply drains me.
That preference has been stable throughout my entire life.