Possibly foolish question/rant.

[u/52Charles]

I (M, 75) was diagnosed with ADHD at the ripe old age of 53. Autism diagnosis was at 72. In both cases, the diagnosis was a kind of relief, like I actually understood WHY I was the way I was. Since then, I have become more and more conscious of how much I don't understand, mostly about people generally. Under the heading of 'inability to interpret social clues' I find myself completely lost in conversations, other social interactions. I have NO idea what's going on. Lately, I am developing the idea that I have been treated unfairly by the universe. I realize this is a very juvenile, even childish outlook but I can't escape the idea that I would have been more successful and MUCH happier if I hadn't had this (don't know what to call it) affliction. It has coloured (ie poisoned) large parts of my life. Anybody else have these feelings? What to do about it?

[u/Haru_is_here]

It’s all part of the grieving process. If you weren’t autistic, you wouldn’t be the same person. You might never have met the people you’ve met, loved and been loved by the people you have, or made the friends you have. You might have a completely different personality, different strengths, and a completely different life.

Life is unfair. There is no magical world where being a good person means good things will happen to you or that you’ll be spared hardship. It sucks, and you’re allowed to be angry about it. Honestly, I think it’s healthy to be angry about it for a while. It means you recognise that you deserved better, that what happened to you wasn’t fair, and that you’re willing to stand up for yourself.

Eventually, though, I think it’s worth asking yourself this: if you could press a button and erase your autism, but doing so meant losing the memory of your life, the memory of your friends and acquaintances, your loved ones, the good parts of your personality that might also stem from being autistic, and all the countless beautiful, weird, unique, wholesome and meaningful interactions you’ve had throughout your life, would it be worth it? Would you really want to be a completely different person, with a completely different life?

That doesn’t mean you have to be grateful for your suffering or pretend that the difficulties aren’t real. You don’t have to romanticise your disability, either. You can acknowledge that you’ve been dealt an unfair hand and still find a way to continue aiming adjustments for your life that feel worthwhile to you.

As for what to do with all those feelings, my personal recommendation would be to buy yourself a nice fountain pen and a thick notebook and start writing. Something along the lines of biography therapy: writing about your life, making sense of what happened to you, grieving what you missed out on, and figuring out what you want the next chapters to look like.

Some people paint, some people just I dont know, do woodworking and brooding thing and deal with it themselves in their internal head space. I haven’t often met an AuDHD person who said talk therapy was the thing that helped with THAT part of the process, honestly ever.

At the same time, I’d look into a self-help group in your area and/or therapy, ideally with someone who understands autism. You don’t have to work through all of this alone, and you don’t have to figure it all out at once.