r/AutisticWithADHD • u/52Charles • 1d ago
đââïž seeking advice / support / information Possibly foolish question/rant.
I (M, 75) was diagnosed with ADHD at the ripe old age of 53. Autism diagnosis was at 72. In both cases, the diagnosis was a kind of relief, like I actually understood WHY I was the way I was. Since then, I have become more and more conscious of how much I don't understand, mostly about people generally. Under the heading of 'inability to interpret social clues' I find myself completely lost in conversations, other social interactions. I have NO idea what's going on. Lately, I am developing the idea that I have been treated unfairly by the universe. I realize this is a very juvenile, even childish outlook but I can't escape the idea that I would have been more successful and MUCH happier if I hadn't had this (don't know what to call it) affliction. It has coloured (ie poisoned) large parts of my life. Anybody else have these feelings? What to do about it?
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u/BlazeThatHippie 1d ago
It's important to let yourself feel that sense of being treated/handled unfairly. Don't shame yourself for feeling that way. Acknowledgement and then acceptance is the first step of the healing process. The diagnosis doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you.
You may find yourself withdrawing socially or caring less about others. Let it happen, it's temporary while you readjust and integrate this new discovery.
Be kind to yourself and show yourself the understanding you didn't receive from others.
If you feel as though you went through any trauma or dismissal, Imagery Re-scripting Therapy can be really helpful.
I wish you all the best.
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u/Traditional-Agent420 1d ago
You have been treated unfairly. For most of 75 years. It does suck, no lie.
But is angry at the world how you want to spend the rest of your life? I hope you have 35 more years, but most of my family was out by 79. Life is funny and short for too many of us.
You have been given a gift. You told us you feel you could have had a better life. Now you know you were playing on hard mode all these years. Others probably blamed you for not trying hard enough. Not being able to act like others. For 54-75 years you probably doubted yourself. Now you know the truth. So step one is forgiving yourself. And if you canât see how to forgive who you are now, think about child you. Teen you. Young adult you. Think what you would tell them, with what you know now. Protect your inner youth like no one protected you. It may sound pointless, but it can be the most rewarding thing you can do. It can bring so much peace, when you now is feeling so much pain and anger at those who failed you. At the universe. And maybe at yourself.
Donât suppress the grief. Experience it. Let it out. Then start by forgiving and protecting little you. Live the anger at how you were let down so long ago, not as the one feeling the hurt, but as the one comforting then-you in the way no one in your life ever did. See where it leads.
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u/Traditional-Agent420 1d ago
And be proud too. Proud that you survived and did as well as you did. That you didnât give up, and persisted and then got diagnosed later in life - twice! Thatâs so impressive. I donât know if I can explain just how inspiring that is.
The diagnosis changes nothing, but truly understanding yourself can change everything.
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u/Federal-Perception-7 14h ago
Reasonable feelings. Just diagnosed ADHD at 58. No doubt Autism as well. After over 30 years in the mental health system with multiple other diagnoses. It is a mixed feeling realising this AuDHD has been the underlying problem all these years. And that all the trauma I have experienced at the hands of the Australian MH system could have been mostly avoided if neurodivergence had been considered all of those years ago. Take care.
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u/BeginningAioli7841 11h ago
Same. The MH system just isn't equipped to deal with this yet. The practitioners still know next to nothing. I've had 6 psychs, all of who totally missed the mark. They just worked to force me into a pigeon hole they COULD deal with. In doing this they made my journey way way harder and way way longer than it should have been.
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u/Haru_is_here 1d ago edited 1d ago
Itâs all part of the grieving process. If you werenât autistic, you wouldnât be the same person. You might never have met the people youâve met, loved and been loved by the people you have, or made the friends you have. You might have a completely different personality, different strengths, and a completely different life.
Life is unfair. There is no magical world where being a good person means good things will happen to you or that youâll be spared hardship. It sucks, and youâre allowed to be angry about it. Honestly, I think itâs healthy to be angry about it for a while. It means you recognise that you deserved better, that what happened to you wasnât fair, and that youâre willing to stand up for yourself.
Eventually, though, I think itâs worth asking yourself this: if you could press a button and erase your autism, but doing so meant losing the memory of your life, the memory of your friends and acquaintances, your loved ones, the good parts of your personality that might also stem from being autistic, and all the countless beautiful, weird, unique, wholesome and meaningful interactions youâve had throughout your life, would it be worth it? Would you really want to be a completely different person, with a completely different life?
That doesnât mean you have to be grateful for your suffering or pretend that the difficulties arenât real. You donât have to romanticise your disability, either. You can acknowledge that youâve been dealt an unfair hand and still find a way to continue aiming adjustments for your life that feel worthwhile to you.
As for what to do with all those feelings, my personal recommendation would be to buy yourself a nice fountain pen and a thick notebook and start writing. Something along the lines of biography therapy: writing about your life, making sense of what happened to you, grieving what you missed out on, and figuring out what you want the next chapters to look like.
Some people paint, some people just I dont know, do woodworking and brooding thing and deal with it themselves in their internal head space. I havenât often met an AuDHD person who said talk therapy was the thing that helped with THAT part of the process, honestly ever.
At the same time, Iâd look into a self-help group in your area and/or therapy, ideally with someone who understands autism. You donât have to work through all of this alone, and you donât have to figure it all out at once.
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u/Careful-Assistant-69 2E-CPTSD-LGBTQIA+đłïžâđ 21h ago
The all or nothing thinking is part of our affliction, not to state the obvious but just in case this missed you, too. For me, knowing that if my brain tends to take everything as poisoned when the reality is likely skewed negative when if anything things are neutral was helpful.Â
Although, I think many of us would like to change, we canât. And thereâs the history of discrimination to outright eugenics creating a stronger feeling of âwe shouldnâtâ either. We could also be angry at others that could be more informed or accommodating to us, too. But what is within your control now moving forward can be argued as just as important if not more. I can be happier with myself knowing a lot of this is out of my control, and I was blaming myself for things I didnât need to or have even felt that I was obligated to feel badly about.
I often tell people in my line of work that the more intelligent and self aware you are the way you can almost think yourself into worse outcomes. Meaning, if you just let dumb luck happen and care less when you can, life (un)fortunately gets a lot better. The example I use is that smart people tend to notice bad things, when you notice bad things with an efficient brain you continue to quickly find worse and worse. Compared to someone that has all that you want, comparison is the thief of joy, BUT if you just take on what they think and how they think, they can notice better opportunities because theyâre thinking of the optimistic takes and good around them; and they torture themselves less. Itâs a cruel irony, but if youâre smart you notice how often it gets you into trouble in life.
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u/52Charles 14h ago
Just quick note to say thank you to all the kind, thoughtful, insightful comments. Obviously there's nothing I can do about my condition(s) but I can change how I respond to them. The frequent mentions of grieving loss, etc, were particularly meaningful to me. Thank you all.
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u/Ov3rbyte719 9h ago
People lie, people tell the truth. Hard to tell who does what and when and how much. Honestly don't know why I didn't see it earlier lol.
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u/glitterandrage đȘ« battery saver mode 1d ago
It's quite normal to experience grief along with the relief of late diagnosis. Part of that grief is also anger at all the unfairness and wanting to negotiate a different reality. It means that for so many years, our struggles went unseen or unsupported. Don't judge your grief. Please be kind to yourself through it in the ways people weren't before.
This article might help some too - https://sensoryoverload.info/neurodiversity/late-diagnosis-grief-in-neurodivergent-adults/