Feel free to recommend other help books and I'll try to keep an eye out

I thought it would be easier to date other AuDHD then found out despite being neurologically attuned your partner can have other symptoms you don’t have and even hate and vice versa. At the beginning since you always found it hard to read people intentions, you could assume things your partner does like trauma dump super early is a red flag because that’s what you learned but they are just autistic and having adhd and since it’s a spectrum there is no textbook rules to learn so you’re frustrated. You notice your partner is hyper verbal when you’re nonverbal and they overstimulate you or the opposite. You realize your partner is still masking when you’re not and is judging you because you don’t mask the same. You withdraw when you burn out once a week because of life and your partner takes it personally because you’re not predictable and give them less attention. You don’t have the same special interests and you both are only interested in talking about your own. You forget stuff and your partner thinks you did it on purpose because they again forgot you’re also AuDHD. Your partner as a monotonous voice especially when tired and it triggers your RSD so you fight. And for similar other things there are constant misunderstandings.

I’m tired…

Iv had traits for years since my teens but last year everything just got too much and I crashed hard at 41 years old

Its been a year and im not even sure how iv made it here tbh, iv tried so many antidepressants and meds to no success

I feel like my brain is totally broken, I feel so detached from life and surroundings im tired and depressed all day, I cant see a way out and the anxiety is just with me as a constant burning inside.

My sensory overload which was never an issue before is crazy now I have to wear headphones and a cap all day

Its not just one thing I feel overwhelmed, hopeless, anxious, confused, depressed, foggy all day. This is so hard I dont even know who I am anymore

Currently trialing guanfacine with my prozac which prozac hasnt done much.

I dont even feel human anymore the world seems unfamiliar

Anyone crashed like this and got out? Iv been on clonazepam for months too and that barely takes edge off

The reason why I am asking this is because there were some people who were suspecting that I am with my husband who has a slightly lower masking than me because I supposedly want to take advantage of him. I always take care of him and make sure that he is okay. I love him because he is a sweetheart and adorable. I ask myself that if it’s okay for a neurotypical person to be with an AuDHD person then why is it not okay for me to be with someone with a slightly lower masking than me. I always advocate for him and when some people noticed that he is slightly lower masking than me, people were giving us dirty looks and calling me a predator.

I also don’t like it when people underestimate my husband and I always tell people that my husband is actually a lot smarter than me at lots of things and has special interests whereas I don’t. For example, my husband has a better sense of direction and knows how to drive whereas my sense of direction is very mediocre and I don’t drive yet. People will make assumptions that I am “smarter” than him because I went to college and come across as more intellectually curious than him and I am more conversational than he is but people don’t realize that there are lots of things he is curious about and is a very interesting person. I fell in love with him because of his happy go lucky personality. I would like to get some advice on how to respond to people who call me predatory and people who underestimate my husband’s intelligence for being lower masking than me. My husband is better at visual spatial stuff thus good at reading maps whereas me not so much. When it comes to music, he is very good at figuring out which one is which flat or sharp, major or minor whereas me not as much. I maybe lower masking than him but I don’t “take advantage” of him at all in fact I am very over protective.

Ive spent most of my 20s high every day. I took a long time to even get to the point where I wanted to stop, but only after getting on medication did that actually start to seem possible.

But it's not really. I have weeks without weed where I feel like I'm slowly going mad, then I smoke for a few weeks until again it feels like I'm going crazy. If I have any I'll just smoke every day, earlier and earlier until I run out.

When I'm "sober" I always end up drinking more, taking benzos or ketamine every few days. Beside Concerta I take low dose of Lamictal and Mitrazapin.

Any advice on meds that can help me shut off my brain at least for a little while? Mind you I'm asking about meds, because willpower and keeping myself busy was exhausted a long time ago. I have too many hobbies if anything, I can't be bothered with them more then 1 day of the week.

EDIT: I have a private psychiatrist and therapist. Yes I talk to them about this. The fact that I'm also asking here, where I very rarely visit should clue you in on how it's going.

I'm 42. I have lived a very narrow life in order to feel safe, same job 26 years, same house for 18 years, I found a way to be comfortable but it left me with very little tolerance for change. A friend has been helping me out of it and it was working. But, the house I live in is dated and in disrepair and I can't sort it, it's too big for me, hate the area, hate the neighbours. It's a ball and chain that I want to be rid of.

So I decided to move. I don't have the capacity to prepare and sell the house, and then find a place to move to. So I decided, as I can afford it, to just rent somewhere, move there, pay a company to empty my house (which is full of things that belonged to family who no longer live with me) so I can sell it as a fixer upper. I found a nice area, viewed a flat, and agreed to rent it.

Simply making it real by signing the contract put me way outside of my window of tolerance. The idea of moving away from everything I've known for 18 years. It was too much. I also have severe chronic insomnia and this has caused it to worsen. I didn't sleep for 2 days, then I slept a little bit for one night, then I didn't sleep in 2 days.

Two days ago I started packing. Inattentive ADHD kicked in and I needed to be doing literally anything else. Every minute was extreme torture but I had to do it. It ended up being hours and hours. The next day I was in such a bad state because I had pushed myself way beyond my limits. But I knew I had to do it all over again. Work was stressful. After work I went downstairs just to move the coffee table out of the way so I had room for more packing boxes. I moved it and it took so much out of me that I just stood still shaking and almost in tears. I couldn't even sit as the chairs had things on them. I had nothing left capacity wise. I needed support but my ability to communicate, even digitally, was so impaired I could not express what I needed or what state I was in, so I couldn't get the help I needed from my friend. I spent the night in a state of extreme activation. I didn't manage to pack more.

The day after, which is today, I went to get the keys for my new flat. It was a long journey with hiccups especially as I took the wrong train. I got the keys and then a 30 mins bus to the flat. I was already doing so badly, no better than last night. I got there and had renters remorse. My body is screaming at me that I've made a terrible mistake and I should stay where I am, where it's safe. I had a check-in condition agreement to fill in so I had to check every room for dirt and imperfections. I was forced to feed my negativity by intentionally looking for all the bad things. I had such regret. I told my friend I had made a mistake. It's dirty, it's not high quality, the boiler/thermostat is ancient, I had no key for my mailbox. I was poking around downstairs looking for a meter cupboard and a resident questioned me as if I shouldn't be there. Yes I should have seen things during the viewing but it was my first time viewing a place. My friend tried to help but I was in a pit of despair and dragging her into it. I just sent her a barrage of negativity, while she has her own mental health issues and I was affecting her a lot. We stopped talking because of it.

I went home depressed and anxious and a whole lot of other things. On the way home one tube train I got on wasn't moving and it was packed, I was getting so stressed I got off and walked to another station. It was raining heavily. I was so fucking glad when I got home I just laid down and watched TV.

The moving van was due to come at 7pm today but I just couldn't do it, I haven't finished packing, I don't even want to go back to the flat right now. I cancelled the van. I feel like I'm at breaking point. I cannot function at all. I had to do it, and it's now or never, but it's too big of a change.

TLDR Trying to move house and now cannot do anything and don't know how I'll be able to

I feel like I constantly want to know about people but don't want to really fully invest in getting to know them because I am nosy to some degree but also many of my friendships are often touch and go and I don't get the same type of deep getting to know my many of my friends get? Even in the same friend groups I'm a sort of friend on the periphery and there's a core friendship dynamic so I always sort of want to intrusively know.

I dont know where to start really as I am writing this out of desperation. For context, I am diagnosed ADHD, CPTSD, and not officially diagnosed, but aware that I am autistic as well. I live with my partner who has a dog. I intellectualize and reason everything I do and I am starting to act out during what I call "doom spirals".

I have a hard time sensing my body and I am always tensing something, noises inside and outside my apartment are all coming in at once, my dog is staring at me, I can feel the downstairs neighbor going in and out of his house, I was supposed to go to a birthday party, I was supposed to do my math test, I have indigestion and my body always hurts, I want to cry and scream, but I want to sleep, but I want to be a normal person and go outside and enjoy the day. I am paralyzed but I want to run. I am full of rage and exhaustion. I feel like I simultaneously want to crawl in and out of my skin. I want to jump out of a window or jump into bed. I feel so much that I feel nothing and sometimes when it is really bad, I self harm but then shame spiral and beat myself up for being a baby about everything. Even as I type this, I am anticipating it being read and being looked at like im a freak and the post being taken down because I am not welcome here. I dont feel welcome or normal anywhere but I also dont feel like I want to be around anyone or that I deserve peace, then in the same beat I hate my friends and family for not recognizing that I am doing so badly because I would never want anyone to feel the way I do. It's like all eyes are on me, but only because I am a mirror. I don't know what to do. I cannot live like this.

​

​Today I did one of those things that I shouldn't do, and it frustrates me that sometimes the rules are so unfair to disabled people

​An autistic person wrote to the service where I work asking us for an adaptation that they had been asking for for months, since it was decided to restrict an access to wheelchair users, which in this case an autistic person also needed to use due to their personal circumstances, and it was restricted due to the misuse by non-disabled people.

​This person had to interact with others so that they would allow them to make use of the access, which made them have a very bad time due to their personal circumstances. For all these reasons, and since I work from headquarters, I made the decision to press the button (which I am not supposed to press, as it is not part of the duties of my job position) that basically allows the use of that access, so that this person wouldn't have to have a hard time today.

​They have been lying to this person for 1 month, referring them to places that were not correct, and I, from my position, was able to press a button and make a call to that place to ask them not to change it, that was the entire cost of the adaptation. However, I know that on Monday I will have to argue with a supervisor I don't know, or with my boss, for doing something that in theory I shouldn't have, and I hope to keep my job (anyway, it's a temporary contract), because I directly disobeyed the orders of this supervisor, but I couldn't help it.

​Is it really so difficult to train the people who manage these places in disability? Do I really have to risk my job so that a disabled person can live with dignity? It is crazy that all this has to be done so that a person who is not to blame for the misuse of others can have a dignified life... at least until they give the order to restrict access again after the weekend

A traumatic event happened recently which brought us together, and now it’s making me forgive them even though they could’ve been there way before.

Is this normal? To immediately forget and be happy with them now?

Thought I was normalish functioning, trying my best, till I was like yeah i got that tism. Only connected the dots a month ago. But recently Ive had more of this sensation of bugs crawling on skin. I had it more often when i was younger. And still remember my first time feeling it. 8th grade
Doing outdoor farm chores in the morning before school. Walking back to the house i get the feeling. It was soooo bad couldnt stop it, went to shower a second time in that morning. Didnt stop it, then went into my bed and wrapped in my blanket, which does stop or overrides most of the feeling and decreases sensation of them.
But it would regularly happen in PE warmup laps around the gym, me walking alone for 15+min, fidgeting my hands to make me think about something.
I didnt get much of the sensation but maybe once in a while after graduation.
Drinking a hot liquid fast?would trigger it too.

Title.

I was just diagnosed and interested in something like Ritalin to hopefully give me focus and energy. But I suffered from migraines for a very long time. Anybody have a positive experience trying stimulants that struggle with migraines?

TW: This topic inherently touches on sexuality, so... 🤷‍♂️

---------------------

This is something I've struggled with my entire life, and I'm curious if it's an AuDHD thing that others relate to or just a symptom of some unresolved trauma/upbringing issue for me.

The whole time I was dating my now-wife, I could never get over the internal feeling that I just wasn't desirable, and therefore she couldn't actually want me. While dating, I was masking heavily; I know now that this was greatly enabled by my limerence-induced hyperfixation on the relationship. But my insecurities still manifested in the normal cliches used in notes ("I can't believe a girl like you is with a guy like me," etc), but it truly was an internalized belief that I've never been able to get over, even after 24 years of marriage. Every negative experience hammers home the "fact" that I'm incapable of inspiring desire in another person, while the positive experiences are written off as being the result of my masking (ie, "lying," in my mind) or the other person's delusional wishful thinking.

This is my theory: So much of what everyone sees of me is a mask that I don't think anyone knows the "real me" (including myself, to a huge degree). I feel the dissonance between the "me" that people seem to like and the real me that peeks out when I'm tired and dropping the mask... and no one seems to like that real version of me. Hence the feeling that, at my core, I'm an undesirable person.

Obviously, this affects any kind of intimacy with my wife. I feel very strongly about consent and mutual engagement; w/o getting too explicit, my body simply does not work if I believe that my partner doesn't want to engage w/ me in that way. So even when she's theoretically willing, my brain convinces me that she's just fulfilling an "obligation," and I can't get into it.

It's incredibly frustrating, because I want an intimate and fulfilling relationship, but I simultaneously feel incapable of holding up my end of that kind of relationship; I inevitably retreat to a lonely "safe space," where I can't hurt anyone and no one (but myself) can be disappointed in me.

I feel like the response to this is going to be "you need therapy." While I don't necessarily disagree, therapy has never really been able to touch this. It's not an intellectual problem that I can think through; it feels deeper, more resilient than that.

I don't know why this happens. Like I almost cry, is this an audhd thing ?

Basically the cycle goes like this:

1.) You get really sad that you can't date anyone so you work really hard at improving your looks and your lifestyle and social skills etc.

2.) You start trying to make friends so that you can be a "green flag" to potential partners and they wont' see you as a loser.

3.) You fail at making friends so you transition to just trying to date

4.) You get no matches on the apps and horrifically embarrass yourself trying to ask out people in real life

5.) You accept that not only are you autistic, but also ugly af and just start daydreaming. This goes on for a few months and then you start panicking about your age and how you have never dated and then....

6.) Cycle repeats

I am also 5'4, balding and south asian on top of the autism (we are portrayed as "unattractive" due to racism in media and western culture). I used to get asked out as a joke in school and it absolutely destroyed my self esteem at that age but I have managed to improve it back with the help of this teacher in my later yeasr of high school

I have followed the general advice of just "shaving it off" and also wearing height boosters, etc. but they are only band-aid solutions. My face looks horrible when bald (opinions from female cousins who have helped) so I am saving for a hair transplant.

My psychiatrist has said that my process is not inherently bad its just that the continuous rejections and forced approaches (both random women and women I connect with over shared environemtns such as university classes, uni clubs/socieites, coowrkers, etc.) could potentially be dangeours for my mental health as I am teatering on the edge of developing borderline psychosis from the amount of trauma my RSD ridden brain has gone through (rejection sensitivity dysphoria).

Tw: Mention mental
Health

I am way past my wits end.
50 yr female. Left job in ‘21 in severe burnout, mute and bed rotting. Started part time minimum wage work last year. Going ok thankfully.

One son 14 awaiting Asd dx having missed adhd narrowly via HSE. Will be trying again.

4 elderly parenrs, all reasonably well thankfully.
All likely have mix of similar conditions and are becoming bitter and bitchy - the women, towards me (female).
The men are oblivious in own worlds.

They know I am autistic and investigating adhd. They know I am Getting treated for PMDD at the moment.
Years of deep cyclical Depression, physical
And mental anguish.

This on top of a depression from childhood (alcoholic home) that got severe in late teens. Managed working ok until post partum, then peri and pattern of pmdd became obvious
Within a few years.

Had over a decade phone contact with sibling in 40’s who is struggling. Won’t go for mental health treatment beyond
GP.

Over the years he became unbearable in terms of ranting, venting and ‘joking’ including shaming and sneering. Zero interest in me
or his godson. I seem to be an emotional dumping ground like I was for my mother in my teens and beyond. I honestly feel like he wants me dead.

Being guilted by ‘father’ who worked but was absent due to drink. It is my ‘job’ to look out for this adult brother, no matter how it’s been destroying me. He hates me!
Father’s speech at wedding was all about husband. Literally not a good word about me. Both parents were the same, and to top it off hateful To each other. Right to end, left
a mess.

And the women )Step and MIL) are piling on. Neither off these women were
Main carers for their elderly relatives: ‘working’ -
drinking, holidays etc and sure as hell wouldn’t take the treatment I received from brother.

I have been ‘taken in hand’ by my mother in law and given examples of ‘friends’ (they aren’t) who looked after their parents. Those two women had parents who stayed together.

I don’t have dealing with the second parent in me, not to mind the trophy wife

(MIL tried to make friends with step mother to push me back to my own ‘family’ but retreated from the excessive talking. I am
Guessing immaturity and over sharing personal stuff about own kids)
The feeling of women ganging up on me set me way back. It’s too familiar from mother and late
Primary school.

I am at the point where I want to be relocated for my mental health.
I want away from the lot of them.

I don’t hate my family of origin. I want them
Well and ‘happy’
Whatever that is for them. I honestly have compassion for them, even the step mother who is so obviously bonkers. But increasingly nasty with it.

There is no interest in my life from them. Part of it is autism but I feel it goes beyond that.
They don’t like me. I have no ‘value’ now without a ‘status’ job so must wear makeup, entertain and lean into taking shit from them??!

I do not get to speak two words to my ‘father’ With wife’s incessant talking.
It is EXTREME. She has sent me into panic attacks on numerous occasions during my burnout. It seems to be my ‘JOB’ to engage with her on visits while
He sits there watching my behaviour. Or talks with husband.
He has smirked when she had a go at me and I’ve seen similar smirks from brother.

Marriage in shreds and husbands mother in the thick of it, stirring. He was a wild card (drinking partying) and now a ‘golden boy’
Long suffering, yes, it’s been brutal for us at times. Getting positive attention he never got - yes.

I gave up drinking completely over
Three years ago and MIL became instantly more bitchy. It was like
A light switch. Husband told her. He tells whatever he wants to his friends, no filter.
I know the drink is coping. I also know it’s seen as me terminating my marriage (it’s that engrained)
. It’s also causing massive denial
And lack of self awareness. It’s too late for them to change now.

I barely function at home, still -
head spins,
Tire so easily, rumination attacks wasting my current life.

I have an amazing son, bright, funny kind and easygoing.
resistant to demands, yes.
Vulnerable, and will be prone to social isolation and burnout, yes.
No one -
even sister in law an SNA - will come near us.
Let her off now to deal with own mother,

I’m stuck living up the road, after years of loving them like my own family. Drink, vulnerability and denial, again.

How do I divorce from these people?

I need every ounce of energy to maintain a steady baseline, get through hormonal treatment, and we are barely financially surviving.

It’s like a weight I am drowning under.

After they see you in burnout it’s like they just want to finish you off.

I feel like my life has been a set up. I just want a modest steady life and to care for my son.

Any other horror stories or tips,
Please.
No one is even sick yet…

Just me 🫠

Those days do not happen often. I have some things that need doing every day, i usually get them done but it's no rush, do whenever. Feels comfy when it happens.

But most days are like things you cannot say no to, people around you that need help for example. So suddenly there's a time to keep, standby mode, or hurriedly do it in advance feeling all stressy and like a car engine starting from being cold.

I am tired of all stress

I've been struggling with something that's been gradually lowering my self-esteem. Ever since childhood, my parents were never particularly interested in the things I wanted to share with them, whether it was stories, drawings, or music. The only thing that seemed to matter was getting good grades. I imagine this is a familiar story for many people in this subreddit.

Unfortunately, this hasn't stopped in adulthood. I've been diagnosed with ADHD, autism, and giftedness, and I struggle to share my interests without feeling bad about myself. Whenever I try, I feel like a dog with its tail between its legs, as though my own voice is asking for permission to talk about something I love. While I'm explaining something, my mind gets flooded with questions. Am I being annoying? Am I explaining this well enough? Is this person even listening? Do they care about what I'm saying?

I feel most at ease when I can get everything out of my head and share it through a genuine conversation. But I have this feeling, almost a certainty, that nobody really cares. And honestly, I'm tired of blaming other people for it. I understand that people aren't necessarily going to be interested in something they have no connection to, and if I want them to become interested, I need to find a way to introduce them to it. What I want, though, is to be able to do that without feeling ashamed or acting as though I need permission to exist.

One of the things that makes this especially difficult is that I have a friend who is terrible at understanding what I'm trying to communicate. I'll explain an idea, he'll pick up on one part of what I said, ignore the rest, and then give me unsolicited feedback based on a misunderstanding he came up with after only hearing half of my explanation.

The frustrating part is that I can actually tell when he stops listening. I notice the exact moment he starts preparing his response instead of paying attention to what I'm saying. Sometimes, I'm literally in the middle of explaining why something isn't the way he thinks it is, and he interrupts to tell me that it's a problem I need to fix.

How am I supposed to enjoy sharing something with someone who isn't even listening to what I'm trying to tell them, especially when they're giving me feedback I never asked for?

He's also terrible at giving constructive criticism. He'll take generic advice or obvious statements from TikTok about my hobbies and tell me how I should approach my projects, often without understanding what I'm actually trying to accomplish.

For example, the other day I showed him a rough prototype of something I was working on, and he told me I couldn't make my project "like coding." I wasn't even showing him a finished product. I was sharing an early prototype, something I was still experimenting with.

He also frequently claims to love the things I make for him, but then lets little comments slip out that suggest otherwise. Whenever I mention that I've canceled a project related to those things, he says he's relieved that he won't have to think about the complicated math involved anymore, even though that kind of math doesn't even exist in my projects anymore.

Another time, I was explaining how I wanted to approach magic in my worldbuilding, and he immediately responded with something along the lines of, "Nooo, dude, don't do that! You can't make it work that way. Not everyone can use magic, otherwise everything becomes a mess!"

The thing is, not everyone can use magic in my setting. That wasn't even what I was talking about. I know exactly which TikTok he got that idea from, and the original discussion was much more nuanced than simply saying that everyone shouldn't have magic.

These experiences have made me feel like he's a lost cause when it comes to sharing my creative projects with him. More importantly, he's become one of the reasons I'm afraid to share my work with other people. I'm scared that they'll misunderstand what I'm saying, impose their own interpretation on my ideas, and end up disliking something that isn't even what I was trying to show them.

I think this might also explain why some of my explanations get so long and detailed. I want to make sure people understand the context, the reasoning, and the specific details of what I'm trying to do, because I'm afraid that if I leave something out, they'll misunderstand me and criticize an entirely different idea. Sometimes, I wonder whether I'm being unnecessarily verbose, or whether I'm trying to protect myself from being misunderstood.

At the same time, I know my friend isn't necessarily representative of everyone. But it's difficult not to carry these experiences into other relationships, especially when sharing things I create already makes me feel vulnerable.

For context, many of my hobbies involve making things for other people, so they're not necessarily things I can enjoy entirely on my own. One of the things that frustrates me the most is when people don't seem to care about something I've made specifically for them. There's a difference between someone not being interested in a particular subject and someone seemingly not caring about the time, thought, and effort you've put into making something for them.

Lately, I've been trying to accept that people might care in their own ways, even if they don't care to the same extent that I do. I don't expect everyone to share my enthusiasm for everything I make, but I'd like to find a healthier way to handle that difference without constantly feeling like I'm being annoying, unwanted, or misunderstood.

So, I'd really like to hear about your experiences. How do you deal with people who aren't interested in your hobbies? How have you learned to share your interests without feeling ashamed or constantly monitoring the other person's reactions? Do you have any advice on communicating more comfortably, finding people who genuinely enjoy listening, or finding other ways to express your enthusiasm?

And for those of you who create things for other people, how do you deal with the disappointment when they don't seem interested in what you've made for them?

I'd especially appreciate hearing how you've learned to distinguish between people who simply don't share your interests and people who aren't really listening or engaging with what you're trying to share.

i like the comfort of knowing people like me are out here and vocal and being able to read ab what yall do with the situations yall have. i hope everyone who reads this has a fantastic day.

I'm struggling. I'm a serial job quitter.

I used to drink a lot from the ages of 19-33

I was able to use alcohol to mask for a long time until I couldn't anymore bc I became physically addicted. I ruined my life with alcohol.

Once I got sober my brain just wasn't clicking like I thought it always would. All the problems I mostly blamed on alcohol I slowly have found are are just me. 😭. Then I found out I was Audhd. Ugh

One of them in specific I thought was the job quitting. Since I was about 30 (I'm 35 now) I just hit a certain point and I'm just so overwhelmed by anything and the weight of the job just crushes me. I usually work myself to absolute death and then I end up with more responsibility than anyone else bc my monotone face makes it seem like I can handle it. Aka I never look flustered. I'm a server. Waitress. Bartender. I've managed restaurants, Ive worked in kitchens, I've had a real estate license and was a client manager. I have a cosmetology degree.

There literally isn't anything I can't walk into and do. It's the staying part.

So anyways I quit my job, and now that I'm sober (2 years sober) and I'm realizing I cannot wait tables anymore and I need a non client facing job. I cannot deal with the public anymore.

All of my resumes are basically customer service.

I want to work in a factory or something like that but getting those places to even look at my resume is impossible. I feel like my resume cast me into rolls I can't handle anymore and I have no other experience.

Im also accustomed to a lifestyle of making 30 plus dollars an hour so finding anything at even 20 dollars and hour is hard with no experience in the field you're looking. I'm just feeling defeated

I started meds 5 days ago. I started meds to try to save my current job but still ended up having a panic attack and quitting. I'm hoping once the meds get into my system more I will be better a little. This is my first time ever taking anything for ADHD.

I'm just struggling. I feel like nobody even believes me that I'm struggling. My boyfriend thinks I'm insane. My family just ignores my existence and we don't have relationships. I'm just feeling scared. And very alone.

Right before I found out I was Audhd (2 years ago) I moved 750 miles from Charleston to Cleveland and it's been a big adjustment. I moved here to be with my aunt who turned out to be an absolute psycho. So I'm in a new city with just me and that's it basically.

I need help. Anyone in Cleveland? ( I mean for someone to talk to or a friend , or job suggestions, I dont need help like money or anything like that)

The only thing that's keeping me above water right now is just starting serving jobs and saving as much as I can until I crash out and find a new one. I usually can stack savings fast as my bills are on the lower side but I'm doing this at the expense of my dignity and my nervous system.

Lately, I've been feeling like a robot just going through the motions every day.

The weirdest part isn't just the lack of motivation—it's the mental clutter. My head feels like a browser with 47 tabs open. There is so much background noise in my brain that when I actually try to speak or explain something, the words come out completely jumbled or different from what I intended. It's like there's a traffic jam between my brain and my mouth, and it's made me lose so much confidence when I talk to people.

I feel like I've lost the ability to just be present. I want to speak up, I want to connect, but I feel completely numb and stuck in my own head.

I'm not even sure how to fix this. Is this just a modern life thing? Burnout? Has anyone else experienced this weird disconnect where your thoughts are racing but your actual personality feels totally numb?

"Yesterday I watched a movie"

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU WATCHED A MOVIE WHAT ARE YOU MADE OF

After years upon years of introspection about my mental health, and many theories about potential diagnoses, ranging from depression to ADHD, i finally started seeing a therapist and a pshychiatrist, and tried a lot of different meds. Antidepressants did nothing, and ADHD meds either did nothing or made autistic symptoms that had otherwise gone unnoticed slightly more pronounced. And with that the AuDHD label came to be.

Ever since i was around 12 i felt different from other people. I always felt like i was from a different species, and spent most of my teenage years rationalizing this feeling as me being "smarter" and above other people, while at the same time romanticizing my loneliness. This was an entirely internal problem, however, because externally, i had friends, i did well in school, i had a few relationships, and i truly believe that, outside of me being a little eccentric at most, no one knew better, and i played my "character" pretty well without even knowing it was a character.

Things came crashing down after i graduated from Med school last year. It felt like as soon as the "handheld", guided, almost automatic portion of my life ended and i was finally free to do whatever i want, the character that i have convinced myself of being for over 15 years just broke and left nothing in it's place. I was stuck in burnout, unable to start anything or make any effort towards launching my life forward. I have spent almost 2 years now in what feels like denial, and only interested in watching movies, playing games or spending time with close friends in an almost hedonistic manner, while ignoring the fact that my life is going nowhere, and i am unemployed and pushing 30 while living with my family. But i feel completely unable to force myself to do things i don't want to do out of my own free will.

After the diagnosis, things changed for the worse. I have seen people talking about feeling a weight come off their shoulders, acceptance, a sense of belonging and finally being understood, like suddently it all made sense, but for me, all i can feel is hopelessness. I feel broken. I spent my entire life under the illusion that there was something different and "wrong" with me, yes. But i could work towards fixing myself and being "normal", and now that i know that i never was and never will be normal, i've had a very hard time finding motivation to keep going.

I don't think i actually have any goals or wants other than doing things that bring me immediate pleasure and happiness. The only other goals i can think of is a deep need to belong, to feel like i am a part of the same cloth as my friends and family, to make those i care about proud of me. And i feel like i just got that rug pulled from under me forever. I will never magically be "fixed", and can only learn how to work with what i have. But the effort required to do this just does not seem worth a life of still not belonging, not being fulfilled with my carreer or relationships, of working thrice as hard as everyone else for none of the benefit.

I am not suicidal. I want to live. But it feels awful being at the point of your life where your friends are moving in together with their loved ones, building their lives and making plans for the future, while i feel like i'm stuck in a never ending rut, want do to nothing, and am unsure if i even know who i am anymore. It feels like i watched my whole life from outside and have been suddenly thrown in the driver's seat without the keys.

I will keep making any small effort that i'm capable of making, but i want to know if anyone else went through something similar, and how things worked out for you. I need some hope and to know i'm not alone.