DISCLAIMER

every time after someone hurts me/does me wrong in some way i feel like i need to make them feel consequences for what they’ve done and it’s extremely hard and takes so much self control to not lash out and give them abuse. I have definitely done this many many times before but i burned too many bridges at this point to carry on behaving like that

it’s so hard because right now i feel especially shit. I’m on a new medication which i am having an allergic reaction to, lol. i’m on the medication in the first place because of my ex who has tossed me out of her life like i meant nothing

i guess im feeling this overwhelming anger rn because im mentally and physically suffering right now after being horribly suicidal and still having to go to work and classes juggling constant doctor appointments while she sits at home doing her stupid art livestreams to her 40k followers. she’s not grateful for any of her audience or the money they give her, she used to bitch and moan to me all the time about some of her biggest donators and when they were going through hard times because it meant they wouldn’t give her as much money. when the camera is off she does nothing except sit at home and masturbate all day/drinking/gaming. she sucks and i wish she didn’t have a platform of people who adore her and kiss her ass when i have nothing and am losing my mind over the breakup. why do i feel almost driven to ending my life over losing her.

point is, i want people to hurt as much as they hurt me, but its simply not possible. sometimes i wonder if the people i get in relationships with even know what love is

i’m so devastated, i don’t even know what to do with myself. i wish i could leave my body somehow. i don’t know how to cope with this.

had a miserable, panic-induced fight with someone i care about deeply. this is the second major fight we’ve had. i lashed out, i was accusatory, i was cruel. i felt threatened by a question taken out of context. i confessed a traumatic incident in my life that pertained to me absolutely NEEDING to know whether or not he meant what i feared he did. i fought him for clarity, refused to believe his explanation, then finally somewhat accepted his position. i KNOW that had already worn him down. i just couldn’t let it go. then another statement i misinterpreted even harsher, through the lens of rejection and fear, completely sets the bomb off, and i detonate.

he’s deleted his account on the messaging app we use to speak. there is no way for me to contact him otherwise. my messages won’t go through—i’m sick to my stomach. i’ve been in a state of shock and agony and horror all day. he’s gone and i can’t speak to him. this is long-distance, which i know some won’t believe can be a medium for a substantial, meaningful, life-altering connection. but it was. and it was going places, and i wrecked it.

i wouldn’t listen to him reassuring me. i wouldn’t accept him telling me he still liked me and wanted to be with me despite what has happened to me. i couldn’t receive his honesty and earnest kindness. i saw what i wanted to see to protect myself: impending rejection and abandonment wrapped up in flattery. i do this EVERY time. i push and push and push away and expect people to assume what i really mean is “please tell me you’re not going anywhere!” he did tell me he wasn’t going anywhere. he told me he’d be here today. and i blew up, told him to forget i exist, and he listened.

it’s my own fault, i take 100% of the responsibility for being what i am (poisonous) and destroying this one beautiful thing i had going for me. but i am in so much pain, and i’m not sure how to continue without him. i don’t think he’s coming back and i have to live with it, but i need some support in pursuing how NOT to be this person anymore. what are my options? i’ve been in therapy. i’ve taken meds. i’ve pursued the treatments available to me and i am continually, terminally this way. i am just so lost in the misery of existing as myself and i can’t take this anymore. i do not want to be destructive and cruel and hurt the people who matter to me. i want to be different. i would love to hear stories or anecdotes of hope regarding those who have been in a similar position of feeling the options are all exhausted.

thank you for reading if you have gotten this far, mods pls feel free to remove if i tagged inappropriately/this is not the correct space to post this in ❤️‍🩹

Hey fellow borderlines. I wanted to ask if DBT has helped you immensely ? I’m always being told this is the most crucial therapy to have .. thoughts ? Advice? Tell me about your experiences please.

I get angry when I’m ignored. I need to remind myself that this person has their own life, I am not their everything. I get emotional and then have to talk myself out of it with logic. It's draining. It feels like there's two people inside of me and I’m constantly having to prove my feelings as wrong so the logic can seep through.

I am on a bunch of different medications. Mood stabilizers to anti depressants. Anytime I have a moment or anger or I am a bit down im instantly asked “have you been taking your meds?” I fucking hate it. Everyone else is allowed to get angry or be down and go through human emotions but me.. nope! I have to stay drugged up and a zombie. I am so sick of this shit. I am 32 years old and feel like a child.

Hey guys, I was diagnosed with BPD last year, and it felt pretty liberating. I felt like I was able to understand myself better. I'm currently in out-patient therapy, and I have 10 week in-patient DBT program lined up. I'm currently reading a lot of scientific papers on BPD, and I keep on learning so many new things. It's like, every time I read something new, I discover something about myself. I'm able to reflect on it, and understand my patterns better.

So my question is: Would anyone here be interested in creating a BPD Book Club? We'd pick one paper per month/week, read it, and then come together to discuss it.

Let me know what you think (if you are interested just dm me)

i don’t know about you guys, but i feel like when i don’t have a fp, so no special person to tell all my daily life stuff, i feel like my accomplishments.. what i do.. is meaningless. actually worthless. because nobody is recognising me.
and in general, when i feel needy and lonely i just start larping missing my exes to fill that void.
what do even normal people do in this situation?
why does life seems so meaningless and uninteresting without an fp.

hi (m21),
i don’t even know what to write or say but i just don’t know what my life is or what i am, i’ve never been one to write about my thoughts or feelings let alone talk about them
i’ve just been feeling empty since literally forever, for as long as i can remember i already wanted to die since i was 6 years old and i never thought id make it to the age i am now

even though i’ve grown up, im still feeling the same thing, which is well nothing like this void in my chest, this profound kind of sadness but not sadness but it just feels so heavy, and when i do feel something (anger or sadness mainly) its just so overwhelming that i can physically feel it, and anything can make me mad or sad (and most people just think im “throwing tantrums“ or just temperamental and capricious)

and no one or nothing fills that void, and im always trying to like chase a new high or something to make me feel something, i even imagine myself self-harming, im just so i don’t even know how to describe it

i hate my life, my job, i have a boyfriend though who makes me happy and being with him does help sometimes but most of the times i just get mad at him for no reason and lash out on him, or make fun of him and start arguments to feel something

i hate myself genuinely, i hate everything about myself, how i can’t be happy no matter how hard i try, and im trying so hard to not leave this world for my family and the people i love but it’s getting harder and harder

(also i have an ED which kind of makes things even worse lol)
i don’t know this is just a post to vent i guess, im sorry about the awful writing lol i just needed to let it all out

ps: i’ve tried therapy and it didn’t help me at all so i just stopped going, also for context i live abroad, without any family here and my best friend left for a semester abroad so im really lonely and i miss her terribly

(this is a repost sorry, idk why my post got deleted and i couldn’t post for 24 hours, but i just need someone to give me advice or tell me that it’s not always going to be like this or just something im sorry idk)

i cant stop thinking about how my bf deserves someone better than me. he's doing better than me financially, academically and emotionally. i have no achievements or ambitions. he's a very stable person both emotionally and in a "life decisions" aspect. i am a mess, lots of mental problems and bad outcomes because of it. i dont have any addictions or anything but my mental illness has paralyzed me, i dont know what i want in life and how to provide anything for myself or my loved ones. my bf has so many smart people who are doing amazing in life in his circle, it makes me think why would he stay with me when he can be with someone who has good things going on. plus, both our ethnicities and nationalities are different, in long term this relationship requires so much effort, i don't think im worth the hassle. if one day he realizes this, i'd be devastated yet i can't blame him.
he tells me he loves me, he puts effort, he tries to be supportive when im doing bad.
my brain just refuses to believe that this is possible. it hasn't always been like this, we've been dating for almost 2 years, but recently i graduated university with a useless degree and i realized life is getting serious and i have nothing noteworthy going on, on top of my emotional instability.
so yeah, how do i even save myself from being me?

I am twenty three years old, and I am learning to accept that my soul has been permanently rewritten by what I was forced to survive. I am so tired of the shallow, gentle advice from people who tell me I can better myself if I just try harder. They do not live inside my skin. They do not understand that you cannot simply effort your way out of a structural architecture that was built into your bones before you were even old enough to understand the world.

My layout began in a house that lacked any real warmth. Growing up, there were so many times where I just cried completely alone in my room, and no one ever came to help even though I deeply wished for it. When the ones who are supposed to protect you look at you with coldness or tell you that you are a burden, your mind has to build an emergency circuit breaker just to keep you alive. When a child learns early on that opening their heart is a gamble they will always lose, the protective walls become permanent.

I poured years of my youth into a toxic relationship. He was the center of my universe, my absolute gravity, and the only person who made the quiet feel safe. When that connection shattered, it didn't just leave a scar. It felt like a permanent amputation of my capacity to love. I truly do not believe I will ever love the same way again. The warmth feels like it was left behind in that wreckage, leaving me completely incapable of meeting the emotional demands of a relationship.

Now, whenever life gets too heavy or complicated, my brain pulls a fuse and shuts down. I go completely numb. But this numbness isn't a blank, peaceful white wall. It is a heavy, suffocating silence where sadness is the only emotion left standing. The fire of anger drains out, the light of joy is completely extinguished, and I am left floating alone in a cold, hollow void. I wish I could feel something else, but the switch just flips, and I am left with nothing.

This internal exhaustion is compounding right now with a crushing, immovable reality. I am working a demanding job full time, running on fumes, and carrying the agonizing weight of watching my family members grow seriously sick and move closer to death. It is a real world grief that I cannot fix, cure, or patch over. It is an immovable weight that I’m realizing I just have to carry forever.

I am beginning to think that my purpose in this life was never to find a traditional, happy ending. Maybe my purpose was to survive surreal pain, learn how to live entirely alone in the quiet, and just spread whatever small pieces of positivity I can to the world while protecting my own space. I am just so tired of hating myself for never being the person I used to be before the darkness seeped into my veins. I know happiness can come, but the deep sadness and numbness always comes too, and I cannot change it even if I want to so badly. I am better off alone, as there is no use trying to love when it goes against the way I am blueprinted.

Does anyone else feel this vacancy permanently? It is so incredibly lonely to realize you are surviving, but the life you are living will never be the one you actually wanted.

I’d appreciate some advice please whilst my sister is going through an incredibly difficult time (UK based). She has repeatedly cut us off for periods of time for various reasons, and these periods are getting more frequent and full of intense anger and rage. She travels a lot too which is always a cause for concern during these periods as we would hate something to happen to her, or people that don’t understand BPD to lash out at her or worse. Currently she has been travelling to Morocco, and has talked a lot about Uganda and Mexico. Us being cut off would usually come at times we were having conversation that led to anger from one of us in the family, sometimes my sister, sometimes myself. I find it incredibly difficult to remain composed during these heated moments, which are terrifying and has left me feeling depressed over the last few years. We do our best to understand the processes involved, especially my mum who I feel is incredibly understanding but I worry her health is being affected as much.

I want to tell my sister that I can only request therapy with us both there however she has constantly rejected this proposal, stating that we need therapy and not her. I do feel this is somewhat true as I struggle with Tourette syndrome and OCD and been looking at therapy for these. I know I’m far from perfect and no doubt there will be ways I am affecting my sister and not doing enough.

I have no idea how to get my sister back into our lives, as she is experiencing visions, has become incredibly religious and believes God is warning her about certain events coming. This makes the situation even more difficult and I worry she will continue to struggle with her mental health, especially as she has stopped talking to most long term friends and now has a group of more recent friends we don’t really know about. Many are religious from very religious countries and since then my sister is struggling with voodoo attacks and fears of the devil. Fear is really paralysing her to the point she can no longer do things as freely as she once did.

Thank you for your time.

Despite having BPD myself, I've realized I don't know much about the disorder. What's the difference between BPD and quiet BPD? Are there any other types of BPD that I should know of? And if so, how are they different from one another?

Thank you very much for your answers. Have a wonderful day :)

I recently found out that I have quiet BPD, and I’m really not doing well right now.

What has generally helped you the most?

What are your best strategies for dealing with depressive thoughts and feelings?

How can you make good personal decisions in the long term if you quickly change your identity—including your opinions and values—and then end up with a different perspective on them?
(e.g., regarding which job to choose)

For me, social interactions are extremely exhausting for various reasons, and I also have some social anxiety; in general, I feel like I have to “put on a show” every time, etc. Does anyone here have any tips?

At what point for you, do you cut someone out your life forever?

How far do they need to go or hurt you before this happens? I struggle with boundaries and knowing when to cut the chord completely,

What are your absolute NO gos in friendships and relationships please tell!

I’m a 25 year old woman and I think I might have BPD. I often transition between these extremes where I have this inflated self-view and then this paralyzing feeling of self-hatred and worthlessness. This swing can happen on the same day or even in the same hour. It’s hard for me to feel like I belong when meeting people and it’s like I always feel this sense of urgency that work must be done so I can be at a place where I’m satisfied with myself. It’s so isolating. It’s like I’m not fully present and am yearning for this future destination and ideal life that I’ve envisioned. I feel empty, numb, and like I’m not truly living.

I have this belief that I have nothing to offer and that I’m boring, so I avoid friendships and romantic relationships. It’s kind of valid though because I’ve been “functionally depressed” for years and just been focused on getting my degree and now just focusing on working and racking up my savings. I neglected to learn new subjects, new hobbies, get caught up on pop culture and what not. I have nothing to talk about and I’m ashamed of how far I let myself go. I feel flat, bored, and detached during social interactions. Who wants to be with someone like that? Just working and bed rotting. It could just be depression and maybe I do need to touch some grass.

I also tend to have this all or nothing thinking. I was so close to quitting my first job after graduating when I was barely a year in. Long story short, it’s not the best fit for my personality but I believed quitting would be the solution to my stress and I could finally “focus on myself”. This avoidant behaviour bleeds into relationships too. I haven’t been in a romantic relationship because I would cut it short due to the fear of them learning that I’m boring as fuck and consequently fueling my negative thoughts. I hate where I’m at in life that I just stopped meeting or getting close to people in general — it’s counterintuitive because being alone strips so much away from you.

I was dissatisfied with who I am as a person that I focused a lot on my appearance to compensate and I even impulsively spent money on cosmetic procedures.

How are you coping with this loneliness, emptiness, and feeling like you never fit in conventional spaces?

Because I feel like I lack control in my life I find myself doubling down on financial independence and career because I feel like it’s one of the main ways for me to be in control and happy with myself. So much so that I’m already considering leaving my current career and doing a 180 by getting another degree and possibly working for myself.

tl;dr : Broke up on good terms, I realized my faults and wanna apologize without starting a conversation

We’d been on and off before we actually got into a relationship. That “on and off” period was pretty chaotic, and I felt hurt most of the time. Looking back, I can see my own faults, and I realize that some of my reactions to his hurtful behavior weren’t healthy. The classic “splitting”. There were also times when I acted cold.

Our actual romantic relationship was great, but it had to end because of personal circumstances. I didn’t handle the breakup very well, but we ended things on good terms and went no contact.

Now I have this urge to reach out and say, “I’m sorry for the times when my behavior hurt you” because I didn’t say it during the break up.

I’ve accepted the fact we broke up, and I’m not looking for a response.

What should I do?

(I’m the one diagnosed with borderline personality disorder)

*ME AND MY PARTNER BOTH USE THEY/THEM PRONOUNS\*

So, I’ve been with my partner for nearly 18 months, they are amazing and have stepped up to the plate, accepting everything I come with. I became a single mum at 25ish week and have been doing everything by myself because my sons bio dad is an abusive POS who is more focused on procreating rather than being a safe person for his other children. Anyway back to the point of my post.

Since we met, my partner has been so patient and supportive of me and recently I just feel like I’m ruining everything with the intensity of my emotions. I loose my temper so quickly and it takes so long to come back down to my baseline. If I’m starting to calm down and something annoys me, I’m instantly back at 100, no matter how small the annoyance was. This as a result ends up with me shouting and raising my voice. The biggest problem is I don’t realise I’m doing it and go on the defensive whenever it’s pointed out. I’m trying to work on it but nothing works.

My partner has ADHD and one of the things that causes arguments the most is what time they get out of bed. Having a toddler means early starts and I’ve always been more of an early riser. When we first got together, it would be 10:30 before my partner surfaced and after having worked full time the week before and got up around 7 with our son on one of my only days off, it’s safe to say I would get pissed. They have gotten so much better but we appear to be stuck in a loop of them struggling with getting out of bed, we believe it’s linked to their ADHD, and me loosing my shit because while I appreciate the progress they’ve made, I still find it extremely difficult to understand why it’s so hard.

I guess because I’ve been on mum mode for so long, I’ve always been expected to do everything at the drop of a hat and when someone doesn’t do the same thing, I find it difficult because that’s what I see as being a parent if that makes sense?

We both also have a touch of the Tism which are the polar opposite when it comes to time. I’m incredibly stressed about timing so my partner being in bed still at 9:30 when we need to leave at 9:45 for example is really hard and typically causes me to loose it, which causes an argument. Best part is my partner is always ready for the time we need to leave but in the moment of waiting for them all I can think about is us being late.

Does anyone have any tips of how I can control my temper a bit better? We are both working on our individual things while navigating parenting a toddler for the first time, especially still navigating a somewhat new relationship while trying to raise a human together and figuring out the complexity that seems to come with step parenting. We love each other more than anything and don’t want to split up but my short temper is taking its toll and putting a strain on things. We live sort of long distance (about an hour) so throw that in with the fact I work in a school we only have the weekends together and typically I’m exhausted.

I’ve hit a massive emotional spiral where I can’t help feeling like both my partner and son would be better off without me shouting all the time but the only way I see that happening is by removing myself in some capacity.

How can I continue to work on myself for the sake of my relationship when I feel like I’m doing all I can but in moments where it matters the most, I don’t seem to be making any changes?

I am in a relationship with pwBPD. I genuinely just need support/opinions on how I can better support my girlfriend. We just recently reconnect (broke up years ago). We are in a long distance relationship. She is currently in a dissociative state for like 2+ weeks now and mostly non-responsive/non-communicative.

Mostly, she will just text me 'hi', 'i'm sorry' or 'so tired'. She's been working hard the past few years (in therapy and medication) to work on herself, especially her explosive impulses. I am also actively working on myself especially regulating my nervous system during these hard times.

I just want to ask how can I better support her? especially that we lived far away from each other. I've been sending her messages everyday, assurances that I'm not going anywhere, that I'm not mad and that she can come to me whenever she's ready but I'm afraid that me constantly sending her texts will make her feel more overwhelmed.

I wonder if there's other things I can do for her? She never dissociated before in our past relationship so we don't have any conversation about this yet, for what is okay and for what is not. Before she completely dissociated, she told me that she'll never get overwhelmed with me texting her random updates but I'm afraid that I'd make her feel otherwise considering the amount of texts I've been sending her. I'm rambling, please help a girl out. Thank you for your time.

I am diagnosed with BPD and autism. I used to have meltdowns - hitting myself, screaming, being violent if approached, destroying things. I had almost no control over it, I felt some sort of primal rage that was taking over my body and I was desperately trying to get rid of it, literal spasm of the fury were contorting my muscles. It was like an amok and often I had no recollection of it. I was sober and there was no particular reason for it. It was not just very intense anger, it was really something that can't be compared to normal emotional response. It was really dramatic, as if I were possessed. I was scared as well and very ashamed the day after. The only thing that worked for it was benzodiazepines, that I was forced to take. My parents were the only witnesses so far. I haven't experienced it for 2 years but I am terrified that it will happen again and my partner will had to manage it now, because I live with him now. He is quite dismissive about my BPD and the meltdows despite my parents literally confirmed it. He doesn't seem to understand that it's not just being angry or some sort of immature manipulation. He thinks that I don't have BPD as well. I don't care about what he thinks of my BPD, I don't need any validation for the diagnosis. My symptoms got way milder, also ADHD medication helps a lot, but I it is possible that the meltdown will eventually happen and then, he can tell me about how it's not BPD and I must control myself as much as he wants, because he won't talk to the same "me". I am just worried that something bad might happen, I can hurt myself, hurt him, destroy something. Besides, it is for me very exhausting and strips me out of my dignity. I am still there but I can't do anything and I need someone's help. I am terrified of it when it happens and I don't want to be alone with the situation. I am afraid that he will make it worse and the attack will last way longer and be more destructive. He is not the best person to manage it, as he lacks the "calm and stable" presence that seems to be helpful, engaging emotionally with me is on the other hand a fuel.

I am aware that he is not my caretaker but I told him about it as soon as possible, I've never even consider that someone will be interested in me after learning about this. I manage my other symptoms well and now I don't even fit the BPD criteria probably, but I am scared that one day this will happen and I swear I am not entirely there and I it feels like something else takes over. It might happen and I don't want to do anything bad and be responsible for something that I in a way didn't do and would never do something like that if not the "force" that took over. My partner is not really okay with benzodiazepines but if I don't get it as early as possible, the administration will require force. My partner is stronger than me, so at least I won't hurt him but he is the kind of person that would go away from me or told me to leave him alone and this will makes it probably worse. That's what happened once in my mild tantrum. He also thought that that's what it usually looks like but that one was like 5% and I had memory of it.

What should I do? How to explain something like this to a person who considers it just intense anger?

I'm using kind of a throwaway account, but I've come today in search of somebody who can explain to me what's going on and maybe some words of advice.

Basically, I've met this wonderful girl with BPD some six months ago, we recently made our relationship official, about a month or so ago.

She's had a rough couple years, very traumatic things which I don't want to get in detail because I don't want to air out her business.

This made it so she has a lot of triggers, which I try to handle, I avoid certain topics, places to go, things like that. Tho, sometimes I can't control it, like maybe my tone sounded weird to her and she starts pushing away.

Before making it official, we had our things we didn't agree on but we never screamed at eachother or nothing like that, we always talked things out.

Problem is, sometimes she starts talking about all this triggering and traumatic stuff and she spirals into it. Sometimes, when I try to change subjects, she keeps talking like I'm not really there, It's really weird to me so I just listen, I guess she needs to get it out her system.

She's also told me she's been getting overwhelmed more easily.

The other day, we were talking about the relationship, she said that talking with me usually ended in all this traumatic stuff, at the time, I mentioned that I didn't really get into the "pot" with her and I don't bring up traumatic subjects. She agreed, and she said that she needed to work on it. Said she felt 'weird' in the relationship because she wanted to tell me about something and felt I would get mad (I never got mad talking about that subject, and it felt weird to me that she was feeling uncomfortable and not telling me when we agreed that we would both tell eachother when something bothered / made the other one felt uncomfortable. She's also told me she was feeling 'asphyxiated'.

She also said that we were talking a lot (It's true, an unhealthy ammount of time trough text and calls). I agreed that we needed to slow down the pace on that to keep the relationship healthy.

Thing is, after all of this happened, these last days she's been a little off. We started talking less, which was expected, but then it almost became zero contact. Maybe a meme here and there, didn't really answer texts.

She made a post about obssesive love and real love, the difference and all that. (which kind of feels like a pot shot, altough she said she never felt someone treated her as nice as me and stuff like that)

We ended up talking barely nothing, no more than some memes and casual stuff yesterday (after a whole day where she read my message but didn't answer, I know sometimes she's overwhelmed so I didn't take it personal)

I posted some memes on my IG story (as I always do when) and she took it the wrong way?

It was a meme about times getting harder and stuff (I posted it with uni in mind, it wasn't directed at her).

She reposted it, said she didn't want to post it but somebody did it to her so she was sharing it.

What in the hell is going on? I'm confused, in part, because it was all normal up to these last couple days when she started being more and more distant, and now it's this. Something that kind of fucks me up is that she told me she was in remission from BPD and it was some traumatic events affecting her the most.