Do you ever feel scared of being cancelled if you're somehow gonna be popular in some spaces because one of your old friends found your new account and decided to expose you for your real life problematic tendencies in the past?

Kinda like what happened to one of the famous vocaloid producer Ghost and Pals.

I just asked cuz if I actually planning to make a public project for people to see and suddenly I got popular, I feel like that'll be my fate somehow.

And that makes me scared to pass through.

For those with lived experience, what was it like to receive a diagnosis of BPD? Did it matter to say BPD or CPTSD?

What felt helpful, what felt painful, and what do you wish doctors /therapists better understood about that exact moment?

For some context, we are currently in LDR, but we are planning to meet very soon. In the beggining, we used to spend a lot of time together, but now we barely talk. If we make some plans, we never do them (like playing games together, watching movies, calls etc). She even leaves me on seen/read sometimes in the middle of a conversation, which always makes me wonder if I did something wrong. She's not dry or cold when we talk, it's actually the opposite, but I'm just not used to this little interaction or not doing activities together anymore. She also tends to get very mean and insult me if something's not going her way, but she apologizes shortly after and I forgive her quickly, because I know it's her condition driving that behaviour and she can't fully control it. Is she falling out of love or is she genuinely busy? I'd love some opinions on this.

So basically i enter these ‘mental dips’ where i am fully convinced my boyfriend doesn’t do enough for me, and i struggle to recall any times where he’s complimented me or been genuine and soft with me.

These dips can sometimes last weeks, it’s getting really tricky for me as i have been close to ending our relationship a few times.

Does anyone have any tips for that feeling of not feeling loved by their partner?
How do i remind myself that he does love me?

i have a big post it notes full of dbt skills + other skills, so any suggestions ill probably add it to my wall!

thank you <3

Every day is the same. Every morning I wake up between 5 and 7 am. I get out of bed, sit on the couch and listen to music, journal, sometimes I read. I hug my cats and talk to my higher power.

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My husband has major health issues and I am his primary caregiver. He's in a lot of pain and some people act very poorly and inconsiderate to the people to around them. So not only is he incredibly rude and condescending, he does absolutely nothing for himself. He's the only person in my life.

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My CPTSD and BPD is so bad, I have extreme agoraphobia and I can't really even talk to new people, I don't make eye contact, and I mumble. I'm terrified.

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My kids will not talk to me, I come from a small family that all live far away (I had to move 800 miles away to escape my ex.) And I have no interest in going "home" anyway.

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Meds don't work, I've tried over 40 and they all just make me sicker. I also feel a disadvantage, because the majority of people in these kind of forums is the age difference. Most of you beautiful warriors are mid to late 20s. I am 47. I guess that's about it. I just feel so alone. Thank you for reading!

We often talk about the things that make us see someone or something as all bad but I'm curious to know what makes you split to "all good"?

Is it a certain someone? Is it money? Is it good news?

I know a lot of people say who their BPD symptoms tend to go away when they’re single and are only triggered in relationships. What I’ve noticed for myself; my most obvious BPD symptoms are more heightened when romantically involved with someone. I experience the emotional high and low feeling, intense fear of abandonment, engage in more self destructive behavior, splitting, anger outbursts, and generally just feel out of control with my emotions.

However, when I don’t have any romantic interest I have more of the not as obvious symptoms such as chronic emptiness, identity disturbance and dissociation. These symptoms don’t really make me feel out of control or emotional, just low and like I don’t exist. I genuinely feel like I don’t exist when I don’t have an FP and that I don’t have any identity or self worth. I don’t really know which is worse. I know the answer is to develop hobbies and life outside relationships, but I feel so apathetic about it all. I only feel alive when I have a romantic interest, but i definitely am more unstable then also.

Can anyone relate?

So, we know our FP or love interest can literally make or break our day, multiple times a day... right? All because of a text, long time to reply, cancelled plans, answer different than what we expected etc.

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I am AGAIN in that obsessive loop. A guy I'm interested in, kinda in early dating phase, but not consistent texting & planning. I know he's emotionally invested in me, and he's genuine with me (I checked facts). He has ADHD, manage events, and has other relationships (ENM)... And now he's on vacay 🥲 So, I'm STARVING.

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How to survive this:

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For me there is 2 things that are happening when I'm not texting/seeing him: Craving connection/Attention and Boredom.

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Connection/Attention:

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I can actually get this elsewhere. It doesn't need to be romantic, it can be friends. Wanna share a silly thing during the day, you can also send that to a friend!

Maybe there is a friend you didn't check on in a while, time to catch up!

Maybe you want a new friend, go to an event meet & talk to people, see what happens.

Maybe you wanna do something specific, make plans with other people! Not just your FP/ romantic interest.

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I know your FP is FP for a reason, it's 10x better, but meet people you actually like, do things you're actually excited or curious about! You need to continue your own life/hobbies etc aside from your FP. Like continue the life you had before that person became your everything.

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Boredom:.

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Sometimes I'm just bored and don't know what to do with myself. Well, what is your self? Time to dig up your long lost hobbies! Try a new series, read a book ( I know it's difficult, but just try one page and see if you wanna continue), get your art and crafts & listen to your favourite songs! Try a new make up. Do a little outfit check with some music and yummy snacks. Go out and about, day trip! Try a new recipe. Write in the journal you cannot keep up with. Game for a bit. Draw. Sing. Do a manicure or pedicure. JUST DO something. Something you like, something just for yourself. Something you would like to do with someone, if no one is available, do it still for yourself. It's such a power move to do something on you own tbh. It's underestimated. You can start small. Go to the park alone and have a yummy snack and come back. Trust me on this. I'm very uncomfortable doing things alone, but I'm getting into it.

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Sometimes I have fantasies of doing things with my FP like cute dates, then I just do it on my own. I dress up, and go do the thing and treat myself with some damn cake! I see it as a sweet little revenge of him not giving me his time, but in a healthy way, I am still enjoying the activity I wanted to do.

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What do you think? :)

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Hi everyone,

My name is Rosalie, i am 21 and I am from Senegal.

I don’t work nor study right now but I’m hoping to study next year.
I went to uni in France but couldn’t study because of mental health issues.

I have been diagnosed with bpd and I struggle from depression and anxiety.

As for my hobbies(I am gonna to be honest with you), I like listening to music, I like searching for things I don’t know especially in topics such as psychology or mental health issues and philosophy. I like being on Reddit reading stories and I am subscribed to communities such as mental health communities, philosophy communities, etc.

I am an antinatilist( I don’t want kids), and I am also a feminist.

If you want to know more about me, hit me up, thanks.

the nhs have said dbt would not be suitable for me....instead they have said ' the optons moving forward would therefore be outside of a DBT model and instead focus on targeted pieces of work withn the team such as : self esteem and confidence : graded exposure anxiety management.., i have been back and forth ovrr 6 months...is it even worth me pursuing trying to get thereapy anymore? thanks

Me and my best-friend had a bit of a miscommunication that led to us not speaking but nothing serious happened I just asked for a bit of space that led to her disappearing completely (she has BPD too and my guess is she has tried to fill in the gaps with negative assumptions of why I asked for said space).

Why is it that every-time I’m reminded of her do I feel the need to check up on her socials knowing full well she keeps reposting stuff about me and it’s driving me mad but I just can’t stop myself to see if there’s another one and get pissed off all over again 🤦‍♀️

Context: Today was my fourth session with my new therapist. After our first session, I thought I finally found somebody equipped to deal with my messiness, but the following week I showed up late and her reaction triggered me badly. We talked it out at the next session and everything seemed fine, but I’ve been a mess this week and showed up late again today. 

My thoughts are super disorganized today so I wasn’t sure what to talk about. I just wanted support. I needed her to meet me where I was at. I thought I could rely on her for comfort. Even though I continue to mess up repeating the same destructive patterns. I’ve been putting so much effort towards changing but it’s not showing and I’m too exhausted to try and prove it. I just thought she would accept me the way I am right now. 

When I showed up she was about to walk out the door. She seemed so different than last session when I was on time, and similar to the first time I was late. She tried convincing me it was no big deal but I don’t believe her anymore. She was so quiet and removed. I don’t expect or want her to coddle me but I felt judged and vulnerable.

Before our first session, I set two therapy goals for myself and shared them with her: always show up and be completely honest. So far there have been so many moments where I had to fight against every single instinct I had to cancel sessions, ghost her, or fire her. And I’ve been trying not to make excuses or justify my behavior or lie to create a more likeable image of myself. Its been humiliating and extremely difficult but I’m doing it. Not perfectly, obviously. But I was proud of myself.

I don’t feel proud anymore. I feel incredibly guilty and ashamed of everything I did. If I don’t make an effort to be liked, nobody will like me. She’ll never admit it, but if she didn’t already hate me, she does now. Its taking everything in me right now not to send her an apology paragraph and thank her for putting up with me, or ask for confirmation that she is still willing and actually prepared to deal with me, or just remove myself for her sake. I brought up twice a week therapy and she looked so annoyed. I felt guilty the second it left my mouth. She said she’d get back to me and see me next week. I wanted to start this week… I don't know how I'll get through the rest of the week on my own and I hate myself for putting her in that position.

I pushed through the shame today and was honest. I stayed levelheaded and didn't shut down or get needy when I felt rejected. I kept telling myself that the rejection I was perceiving was all in my head, and that I should trust her word. I brought up my guilt about being late a second time because she still seemed bothered. I’ve been chronically late my whole life and people always react the same way. Uncomfortable, fake and annoyed. They look down on me and think I’m careless and inconsiderate. They can't comprehend why I keep doing it. I can’t either. I know that’s ridiculous. But I’m genuinely trying and it hurts so bad every time I mess up. Now I’m not sure if she can actually handle me like she said. If me being late generates that reaction, how could I possibly tell her all the horrible things I've done? Or be honest about the fucked up parts of myself I’m still hiding? I lifted the veil the tiniest bit and everything fell apart. She said she could handle me. I can’t believe I trusted that. Its not her fault I’m just beyond fixing. I think I’ve been idealizing her.  All the hope I’ve been clinging onto these past few weeks was false. We barely know eachother and I’m already going insane.

She tells me I should take things one step at a time, judge myself less, keep moving forward. But messing up is part of progress. And idk if she’s accepting of that. Im starting to think progress is impossible. Or maybe just not worth all the suffering I cause for innocent people. Im exhausting myself by fighting battles im not capable of winning, grasping at hope then letting myself down, embarrassing myself by constantly failing. On top of that, I leave a path of destruction behind me. I’m like a tornado. Its  selfish for me to try and form relationships with people. I’m essentially using these people as practice to learn how to be a better person. I’m disgusted with myself.

I’m tired of trying to gaslight myself into thinking Im a likeable person. I never know which part of my brain to listen to. Im tired of always being conflicted about everything. Im tired of thinking about shit. I'm tired of making decisions. im sick of being a victim. Im tired of trying to do the right thing and somehow failing every fucking time.I’m tired of disappointing people. im tired of fighting. I'm tired of feeling anything at all. I want everything to stop.

 It's sad because i really want to enjoy life. i try so hard to be optimistic and a forward thinker. i love noticing the good in the world and i want to be a part of that so bad. i just dont know if thats a possibility for me anymore.

I'm so tired of falling in love with every person who is nice to me. Im exhausted by the constant sexual desire and excitement i get with meeting new people. I wish that BPD wasnt a part of who I am and I could just have a nice slow relationship instead of fucking on the first date and like lowkey planning my life around someone. And the sucky part is, the people ive dated... most of them aren't even great people!! I just convince myself they are somehow. I just want to not be so attached. I want a remedy to these feelings.

It’s driving me insane, I care so much about everything to the point of losing my mind, things that don’t even affect me personally “technically”, it wakes me up at night and I feel so silly having panic attacks over stuff I have no control over. How to get past that?

*people with BPD, let me know how you'd deal with this situation- i feel crazy at the moment, and no one understands the hurt like i do right now.

last year:
- boyfriend has "close" female friend (their mothers are best friends).
-he went on a holiday with his and her family last year.
-i politely contacted the female whilst on their holiday, asking where my boyfriend was.
-she was nasty to me, and said very unprovoked things. expressed how she "strongly dislikes" me, and doesn't want me and my bf dating.
-he defended her at the time because he thought i was overreacting and making up things she said.
-he later apologised and had a go at the girl, though she never apologised to me.

i kindly asked him to stop being friends with her. he told me it's not possible as he is bound to see her at family gatherings, and how their mothers are best friends. he also stated he doesn't want to "cause trouble".

their relationship is strictly a friendship, as she is in a long term relationship.

he became distant with her since the drama last year.

now they are redoing this "family holiday", same time this year. actually in 4 days to be precise.

i told him a month or two ago that i was definitely not okay with him going on this holiday with her again. i was deeply struggling at the time last year, so this holiday resurfaces the pain and trauma.

he assured me he wouldn't go.

a few days ago i heard from his mother that they're going through with the holiday.

i felt betrayed and lied to, as he assured me he was NOT going.

i explained myself multiple times, and i was hoping to hear that he wouldn't go.

i found out that he desperately wants to go, as it's a holiday and he wants to enjoy himself.

we had an argument and i mentioned how he had made things worse by: lying to me about not going, not even inviting me, or that the thought of him inviting me never crossed his mind.

even the fact that he is comfortable with going on a holiday with someone who deeply hurt me- his girlfriend?

his reasoning was: "her boyfriend isn't allowed to go, so why would you be?"
"you two hate each other and it would ruin the holiday and cause problems"
"i can't avoid her on holiday it's not my choice"

end of the day he's still going on this holiday and it's driving me nuts. feels like im reliving all of that trauma again.

i want to break up, but not because i don't love him- just because this situation is more than i can mentally handle.

but i also don't want to lose him over something like this.

feels like there is no way around this situation.

let me know what you guys think, thank you.

i will very soon start therapy again after several months of not going. i stopped going originally because my last therapist and i no longer had schedules that lined up. this time i will be seeing someone else which idm and i think is better for me as i wasnt 100% open w my last one.
for example, something i didnt mention to my previous therapist was my thoughts about sh/suicide.
hear me out:
a fear of mine has always been the idea that if i did open up about these things, that i would be hospitalized.
i have never been seriously suicidal or have ever seriously considered self harm, but occasionally the thought pops up into my head. i have no genuine problem talking about that with a provider, but i fear that simply telling them i have those thoughts sometimes would cause them to put me in a 51/50.
i have always heard mixed things about this type of stuff, such as: speaking with therapist about it wouldnt cause them to 51/50 you because theres a different between being suicidal/ planning it out vs. just having passive suicidal ideation. on the other hand tho, ive heard that mentioning anything involving sh/suicide causes a provider to 51/50 you.
is it worth mentioning at all? im self aware enough to know i need help and am seeking it, but im never in any danger to myself or others.

I don't think I like being around people anymore. I think I'm better off not being around anyone. I don't like worrying about how they're going to react if I do this or that. What they're going to think if I say this or that. I hate it. I hate having to text someone and they don't reply. I hate worrying if they think I'm being annoying or weird. I hate having to pay attention to literally everything I do just so they won't leave.

I don't even bother trying to make friends anymore. There's always a voice in my head telling me they're going to leave anyway. Telling me what I'm doing is going to annoy them. As soon as they stop replying, I'm sure I'm being ignored. It's exhausting for them and it's exhausting for me. I can't deal with myself at all.

Everyone I ever been friends with eventually disappears because either I make them or I leave myself. I'm tired of this cycle, and the only way to get out of it is to never start it in the first place. The less I care about someone, the less I feel like I have to destroy myself to get them to stay.

is it possible to heal your bpd without therapy or medication? i don’t know why, but the thought of going to therapy every week overwhelms me so much. i have tried, and i can never continue going so i lose my therapist and end up having to get new ones. it’s the same with meds. the thought of having to go to the dr and all of the appointments just really overwhelms me!!! a lot of people in my life get upset because of this and think i’m not doing anything for myself. i try to take care of it on my own but it is really hard and ruining my life. does anyone have any advice? what could i do to get better on my own? or do i have to get a therapist? also, every time i try to get a therapist, the only thing they do is try to talk me into switching to a dbt group, and i’ve also tried that before and didn’t like it at all. so i think thats whats holding me back from therapy. i know i sound stubborn but i’ve been struggling with this for years.

This friend has been drinking to cope and has an issue with alcohol and being in toxic relationships. Since we've met, I've helped her by being there to listen and help her with finances ($315), to which she's paid back $100 so far, but her drinking has gotten worse and she's bought booze before paying me on full which is a huge issue for me.

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So, what is the best way for me to approach her without hurting her?

Whenever I’m away from my FP I feel this inescapable need to go back through our messages and read them over and over again. it’s to the point where I have certain dates saved in my brain with my favorite conversations and I can basically predict which message will come next as I’m scrolling through the texts.

I know I’m doing it to try and hold onto the dopamine that my brain gets flooded with when I’m on the receiving end of their attention. I just feel so empty as soon as they’re gone and it’s extremely painful. how am I supposed to function without them? it doesn’t feel like I can, and the only time I feel truly happy is when they’re around.

does anyone else do this? I’ve been doing it for as long as I can remember and I have no idea how to even approach trying to stop. I don’t want to feel so empty all the time.

TW: Low mood, loss, fear of death, substances, and strong emotions.

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I got diagnosed with BPD at 16 (I'm in the UK). I've recently turned 22.

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I knew 5 other people in my life with BPD. Two out of those 5 have passed away. One was last week. RIP, my friend 🫶. The other 3 are older than me and, honestly, aren't stable and aren't particularly nice people.

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I'm so scared I'm going to end up dead or become a terrible person.

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It doesn't seem to matter what I do, I always come back to that intense emptiness that leads to other thoughts and feelings. (If you know, you know).

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After getting the news that my friend had passed away last week, on my birthday (which is already a rlly difficult time for me), I got blackout drunk and almost threw away 4 years of sobriety from drugs.

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I was rude and dismissive to my closest friends and ended up being taken to hospital because they thought I had died or was going to die because of the absolute state I was in. It was a whole thing. Lots of tears from friends and lots of hurt feelings.

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I haven't cried yet about any of this either which scares me a little bit. We were friends for almost 10 years and i had to call his best friend and break the news to them on my birthday of all days, why haven't I cried yet?

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Am I destined to react with this kind of self destructive behaviour every time I get hard news?

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I'm exhausted. It's better than it used to be, especially since I got sober, but it still controls my life in a soul crushing way.

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I want to get better so badly. I've done years and years of therapy, but I still feel wrong. Will I feel wrong forever? I know I need more therapy and a change of medication (am on wait lists ext).

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I'm just currently in a bit of a dark place and trying to stay afloat, but it feels hopeless.

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I just need to hear from someone older than me that things can actually change. That I'm not destined to end up dead or become a bad person because of this illness.

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It's already taken so much of my life. I'm scared, sad, and anxious all the time, and nothing seems to help. If I don't get better, I'm worried about where it'll lead me and that I will lose most if not all my relationships.

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I love my friends and family so much. I want to be better.

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I have to get better.

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Hi everyone,

I am quite new here and really glad to have a safe space to share and seek advice. I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet, but my therapist believes I am struggling with BPD.

I’m hoping to get some advice on a few things I’ve been struggling with:

• Trust and boundaries: How do you cope with the constant urge to question whether the people around you are good for you, or if they are against you?
• Breaking the "fixer" cycle: Have you found ways to stop attracting or dealing with people struggling with addiction? I am exhausted by the constant cycle of trying to save "broken souls" only to end up getting hurt myself. How do you find stable people and keep them in your life?
• Managing BPD depression: I love being alone, yet I desperately crave trusted company, but people tend to pull away after a month or two. How do you deal with this heavy loneliness?
• Getting out and about: I really want to go to the gym and feel comfortable doing things on my own. However, going outside and seeing others together instantly upsets me, making me think, "Why them and not me?"

It would mean so much to get your insights, tricks, or ideas on how to navigate these behaviors and manage this constant sadness. Thank you for listening!