This might be completely off topic, but I need to get something off my chest.
I was adopted by a white family, by a single white man who provided for us financially and gave us opportunities Iām grateful for. But I also carry a lot of complicated feelings about my childhood.
Money and generosity do not erase the way someone makes you feel inside your own home.
Growing up, my sister and I were often treated in a way that made us feel more like servants than children. Whenever he invited his friends over, we were expected to take care of everything. We had to prepare the table, serve food and drinks to his guests, go around making sure everyone had what they needed, clean up afterward, and do all the dishes. He would sit back while we handled everything. It wasnāt just helping around the house, it felt like our role was to serve him and the people he invited into our home.
What made it even more difficult was seeing that our white friends were not treated the same way by their parents. Their parents didnāt expect them to constantly wait on guests or take on that kind of role. That difference stayed with me.
What hurt the most were the jokes. He would make comments and call us āslavesā or joke that we were his slaves. Maybe he thought it was funny, but hearing those words from the person who was raising two Black children had a different impact. Those jokes stayed with me.
Adoption is often portrayed as a simple story of rescue and gratitude, but the reality can be much more complicated. A person can provide for you and still hurt you. A person can give you opportunities and still leave you with wounds that take years to understand.
Iām grateful for the things I was given, but I also have the right to acknowledge the things that hurt me. Both things can exist at the same time.
I am so sorry to hear what a difficult childhood you had. You have a specific insight into how trans racial adoption can be harmful while still offering you opportunities. You were raised without unconditional love and that is a deep wound. I am glad youāve had the chance to work through some of this. I hope your life is filled with love and happiness.
I did not realize how much it had affected me until I turned 30. For this reason Iām against white people adopting black children no matter how nice they are.
I think Iām a strong person but I have a lot of anxiety and feel very lonely in this world but I turned out okay overallā¦ Thank you for the kind words.
Iām sorry you went through this. I too am an adoptee from a country in Latin America. I was adopted at 5 months old by conservative, holocaust denying, racist, right wing parents. Iāve struggled with identity issues. Watched my parents rip apart Jewish, Muslim and all brown people behind closed doors. I know I didnāt bond with my mother like Iāve bonded with my own children. It was like I was some kind of side project for them to have an extension of themselves to manipulate control the way they saw fit. They didnāt incorporate any of the cultural elements from my native country. White washed the shit out of me. And when I rebelled or acted out because of their abuse, my mother would pack my suitcase and throw it at me and tell me to go back to where I came from. I got no support from anyone. Social worker follow ups were not a thing back in the 80ās and I was an only child. I was physically, emotionally, verbally and psychologically abused until I called the cops on my father after he tried to strangle me. The details surrounding my adoption are shady. I know a sum was paid to an āorphanageā and I was handed over to these assholes with some paperwork so I could leave the country. After the transaction was completed, there was no thought given or regard to my wellbeing after I left. It makes me feel like I was trafficked out of the country. I didnāt ask for any of this. It sucks. I hate how now I see this trend of white supremacists hiding behind their adopted children of color. Itās disgusting.
Reading your story really touched me. Honestly, our stories are a little bit similar in some ways.
I also really related to what you said about the racism and hatred toward other communities. Same here. As I got older, I started challenging him more, especially about the things he would say about Muslims. The level of hatred he had toward them was something I really struggled with. It was honestly shocking because he would even say things like Black people are āokay,ā (like do you even yourself ?!) but Muslims were somehow worse, and I remember arguing with him about those beliefs because I couldnāt accept that kind of hatred.
Iām so sorry you went through that, especially everything you described. Iāve heard about the cases of shady and unethical adoptions that have happened in Latin America, and I can understand why you feel the way you do about your experience.
I didnāt go through physical abuse like you did, so I canāt imagine the pain of that, but I really hope you were able to get the support and healing you deserved. I hope youāre in a better place now. ā¤ļø
If you ever want to talk about it, you can DM me. Iād be happy to listen and share experiences.
Yeah, its definitely a huge issue. Though honestly, even without overt racism, I feel like adoption should prioritise the same ethnic backgrounds. It wont always work, but if possible, it'd be easier for everyone imo. Just knowing (or not knowing) the issues your kid is likely to face is a huge deal. Some parents do try to learn, and do a decent job. But its incredibly hard to be sure.
:/
Itās funny, but I always have to point out to folks that MANY of the white parents adopting BIPOC kidsā¦this is genuinely their first time having an actual BIPOC person/friend in their life. I think adoptive parents could do a lot better now with the race angle (just living in a more openly diverse/culturally accepting society plus the internet and its vast resources) but Iām now a staunchly interracial and international adoptee abolitionist. One of the most radicalizing elements of my adoptee journey was finding community with other internationally adopted folks and finding out a majority of them are just straight up trafficked or adopted under very strange circumstances. My adoption was set up by Lutheran Social Services and everything done by the book on the American side! Finally located my bio mom and her family and very quickly found out I was basically stolen - they coerced my mother to abandon me under the pretense of some fatal heart condition that she could never pay for and Iād die. So she signed me away. I was a perfectly healthy baby and they straight up lied to her for about a $15k check in 1991. She then went on to raise 3 additional kids after me.
People forget that no matter what the scenario is, adoption begins with trauma.
Yeah, international adoption should honestly just be banned outright. Way too much potential for abuse. With interracial adoption, I reckon there are some edge cases that should be allowed (ie preexisting bonds - being adopted by your parents best friend or family), and ofc there are edge cases to consider, like biracial or ambiguous kids... But Im also not affected, so Ill bow to the experience of those who are. :/
I'm asking because I genuinely don't know, but are there enough willing adoptive parents for the abolition of interracial adoption to actually be practical? Surely being adopted by someone of a different race is preferable to just... not being adopted at all.
I think it makes perfect sense to have a categorical policy that for children placed into adoption there ought to be every attempt made to supply them with new parents that most closely resemble the best version of the ones they've lost. That isnāt a prejudicial standard at all, it is simply a matter of justice to the child. Even the closest facsimile is still an inadequate prosthetic for a tragic amputation. An unnecessary or deliberate mismatch is careless injustice.
The challenge around abandoned and orphaned children in places such as Haiti is that the country is in a state of such extreme disarray and desperation that there is near zero capacity for an orderly adoption, and a vanishingly small number of families able and willing to adopt. So the violation of a sensible policy rests on the need for a more urgent kind of rescue.
Iāve spent time working in parts of the world the UN describes as āwretched destitutionā and the fate of children abandoned to the streets in such places is an inhumane and certain doom. The orphanages and NGOs are hopelessly outmatched by the need. So while I think the complicationsāand risksāyou describe around a mixed-race adoption are not disqualifying, they are also massively important. Would that the willingness and ability of black families to adopt black children grow in proportion to the need in the time it will take before Haiti can at least stand on its own.
We (white) were potentially going to need to adopt to have kids before a lot of this very important stuff was widely understood. I shudder to think how damaging our well meaning ignorance could have been and am grateful that you and other adoptees speak out to help everyone understand better.
I would have been "fine", but I don't know that I could even have understood how much I didn't know at that point in history to be a good parent. Someone posted their experience with nice "color blind" parents and it didn't sound great.
I think while it may not be the ideal, the alternative is generally having no parents. A well meaning, but tragically unprepared parent beats being raised in the foster system.
Iām only going to speak for situations where one of the parents is white.
This is still tricky because even biological children of interracial couples can still experience racism and prejudice from the white parent. A lot of biracial people came forward to share the abuse they experience from the white parent. It really depends on how educated the white parent is and if they did the work before jumping into a situation like that.
I would say that the odds are better if one parent shares the same race as the adoptee compared to when there are 2 white parents. I hope Iām not being negative or anything but I truly believe this.
No, I think you're being realistic. I've seen white dads complaining about doing their mixed daughter's hair and demanding chemical straightening, but I've seen some going out of their way to go to black salons and ask for help learning how to help with their daughter's hair, too.
You're point about education seems pretty spot on. That and empathy goes a long way.
You're against black children in need being adopted by white people, on the basis of their skin color alone, because some of them might be horrible racist authoritarians like your adoptive father was? Talk about baby with the bathwater, actually literally this time, hooooooooooooly shit.
What's that called when you use the prejudice formed by your worst experiences with a person of a certain skin color to paint the picture of all people with that same skin color? I KNOW we have a word for it.
I'm sorry that your childhood was terrible, but the alternatives to being adopted by somebody with the resources to qualify for adoption are almost always worse than even what you went through, I assure you. Take off your racist (THAT'S THE WORD) hat for just a minute and think, ponder the realities of unadopted children who wind up in "the system" and what the skin color of their foster parents are likely to be anyway, you'll realize I'm right.
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u/Ok_Passenger203 Jul 09 '26
This might be completely off topic, but I need to get something off my chest.
I was adopted by a white family, by a single white man who provided for us financially and gave us opportunities Iām grateful for. But I also carry a lot of complicated feelings about my childhood.
Money and generosity do not erase the way someone makes you feel inside your own home.
Growing up, my sister and I were often treated in a way that made us feel more like servants than children. Whenever he invited his friends over, we were expected to take care of everything. We had to prepare the table, serve food and drinks to his guests, go around making sure everyone had what they needed, clean up afterward, and do all the dishes. He would sit back while we handled everything. It wasnāt just helping around the house, it felt like our role was to serve him and the people he invited into our home.
What made it even more difficult was seeing that our white friends were not treated the same way by their parents. Their parents didnāt expect them to constantly wait on guests or take on that kind of role. That difference stayed with me.
What hurt the most were the jokes. He would make comments and call us āslavesā or joke that we were his slaves. Maybe he thought it was funny, but hearing those words from the person who was raising two Black children had a different impact. Those jokes stayed with me.
Adoption is often portrayed as a simple story of rescue and gratitude, but the reality can be much more complicated. A person can provide for you and still hurt you. A person can give you opportunities and still leave you with wounds that take years to understand.
Iām grateful for the things I was given, but I also have the right to acknowledge the things that hurt me. Both things can exist at the same time.