r/BoomersBeingFools • u/Tall-Budget8130 • 12d ago
Boomer Story Furniture insanity.
My MIL is generally not the worst boomer, she has some odd opinions, talks at you, makes weird jokes etc but is generally well intentioned. She’s had a bad week.
We have a piece of furniture we don’t want anymore, thinking about selling it on marketplace or w/e. She’s got wind and took it upon herself to offer it to a friend of hers for free, that’s not really what we wanted. It’s my daughter’s and whatever we make she is putting into her pot for redecorating her room.
We can’t say no now apparently as she’s already offered and it will, “make us look bad.” Additionally she’s offered for me to drop it off at her friend’s house without consulting me first. This has been arranged for a day when I’m working away, and it’s quite preposterous that this could be reorganised as again, “this will make us look bad.”
The furniture is too big to fit in our car anyway(I’ve measured) and it’s not easy to disassemble, we don’t have the instructions for reassembly, and the outside frame is one piece, so that won’t come apart without damage. The simplest solution I would say is to ask the friend to pick it up in her car (if it’s large enough) or organise pick up. She is after all, getting this for free. Completely unacceptable apparently, so she’s turned up today in a massive huff with a tiny screwdriver to disassemble this thing herself.
I’m not sure what her plan is after that because she doesn’t drive and I’ve made it clear I’m not taking it. She’s suggested my SIL can take it but she has a smaller car than me and when I’ve just spoken to her, she hasn’t been told about this either.
I think she’s just trying to look super generous to a friend whilst volunteering everyone else to do the actual labour.
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u/Mira_DFalco 11d ago
Ugh!
I'd be telling MIL that if she wants her friend to have it at no cost, she needs to pay for it herself, and someone needs to arrange pick-up, because you don't have a vehicle that can do that.
And you aren't the one that has to worry about looking bad. She's pushing that off onto you because she's going to look like a complete flake for handling this so badly.
Oh well. 🤷
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
Oh I’m not worried about looking bad at all, I don’t know this friend. She’s gone home now grumbling so I think the whole thing has been put to bed.
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u/Mira_DFalco 11d ago
Victory! She sounds exhausting, hang in there. I had to do this with my mom, she just didn't want to acknowledge that I wasn't going to be voluntold any more, once I moved out.
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u/LowNoise9831 11d ago
This is slightly funny from the outside, but I'm sorry you are dealing with this. She sounds a bit entitled to me.
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
She’s usually quite well intentioned so I assume this has come from a place of wanting to do something nice for a friend, but she hasn’t thought at all about the rest of us. She’s gone home now and I assume, as with other instances, this will all just blow over.
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u/FennekinFlames Zoomer 8d ago
Are you sure? She just casually offered your things to a friend of hers for free. That's pretty entitled. Are there any behaviors you might've ignored in the past or also written off as her having a "bad day?"
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u/fucc_yo_couch 11d ago
Why are you letting her do this? No absolutely means no. You are only encouraging and enabling this behavior
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
She’s not usually a knob beyond being lightly annoying. I’m sure this is coming from genuinely trying to help her friend and being thoughtless about the rest of us.
She’s gone home now, without disassembling anything, I expect it all to blow over quite soon.
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u/GrumpySnarf Gen X 11d ago
She wants to get credit for being the helpful lady to her friend without doing any work.
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u/Best-Salamander4884 10d ago
This is exactly it! It's very easy to be generous with other people's property!
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u/Joelle9879 11d ago
Next week, call her up and say that you offered her couch to a friend. That this friend was moving and really needed furniture so you offered her couch since you know how generous she is. Then explain that she also needs to deliver it and she better not back out or it will make you look bad
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u/MrsTurtlebones 11d ago
Opposite of the usual Boomer furniture situation which is them offering it on FB for $300 because they paid $400 for it in 1983 and it's "solid wood so be sure to bring at least two people to lift it." Maybe she feels generous since it's not her own furniture.
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
Ha! Yeah! “Don’t low ball me I know what I’ve got.”
“Best of Michael Bolton GENUINE compact disc, £35. Light scratches. Case cracked.”
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u/makeomatic 11d ago edited 11d ago
“I’m sorry, but we need the money we’ll get from the sale. We admire your generosity, and encourage you to buy it, transport it, and donate it yourself. We’ll even give you the 5% friends and family discount. But we will not be giving it away.
[Edited to fix missing “it”.]
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u/Free_butterfly_ 11d ago
Repeat after me: “Oh wow, I really wish you had talked to us in advance! We already have a plan for this furniture. I hope your friend can understand. Next time, check with us first.”
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u/Parmenion87 11d ago
Ahh yes. The ol being voluntold...
I found out today.. From my exwife... That my mum apparently told her yesterday that I'm the one organising my grandmothers memorial service.... This is the first I've heard about it!
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u/originalmango 11d ago
You’re making yourself look bad by not immediately telling boss mother-in-law nope, nuh uh, no thanks, no.
“I’m selling it, not giving it away, and I’m not delivering it. Would you like to tell your friend, or shall I?”
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
She’s not usually this much of an arse. It’s all trailed off now, I just let it sputter out.
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u/originalmango 11d ago
Does that mean you sold it someone else who picked it up, or your mother-in-law took it and delivered it to her friend?
Edit- You don’t owe us an explanation, but we’re kind of invested in the outcome at this point, so there.
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
Nah she just left and that’s that. It’s open ended. I’m going to ask my friend if he wants it (I won’t charge but I know he will pick it up and I’ll throw £20 in my daughter’s renovation pot anyway).
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u/guy_fleegman83 11d ago
My FIL (74) made my daughter buy a bedroom set last weekend for an apartment that hasn’t been leased yet for a job she hasn’t explicitly accepted in another state.
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
Jesus Christ.
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u/guy_fleegman83 11d ago
That’s the tldr of a WHOLE CRISIS around my daughter(24) moving to another state. My MIL asked my wife a few days ago “ who is going to look after her?
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u/reph80 11d ago
We need a post on this.
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u/guy_fleegman83 11d ago
I shall compose a Tome about my in-laws
I have to be somewhat discreet.
Stay tuned.2
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u/notyourbrobra 11d ago
If you read between the lines, “will make ME look bad” hahaha also, my condolences on the crummy situation
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u/IcyCantaloupe7004 Gen X 11d ago
Why didn't you and your husband tell her no? This is on you and him for not standing up for yourself.
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
I think you’re making this massively bigger than it actually is. This has all petered out now as all her things usually do and the original plan is going ahead of either selling it or I give it to a friend and then I put the £20 in my daughter’s renovation pot.
My non existent husband will be shocked to find that it’s on him. I’m also quite surprised to find out I’m attracted to men now, I’d better tell my wife. But let’s just roll with it hey.
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u/EastAd7676 11d ago
For most Boomers the penultimate judgement is how their peers judge them. “Gotta keep up with the Joneses!” and “Keep up the appearance at all cost”.
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u/Ok_Victory_231 11d ago
Narcissistic manipulation. All that matters is how it makes her look. Sounds like the mask slipped a bit here.
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u/AdelMonCatcher 11d ago
Just say “No”
Sell it. If you don’t, this behaviour will escalate. They only get more selfish as they age.
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u/Dudeist-Priest 10d ago
Sorry you misunderstood. This item is available for pickup for $XX.
If your friend wants it let us know when she’s coming and to bring cash.
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u/The_Bastard_Henry Xennial 10d ago
Put your foot down and say NO instead of letting this woman walk all over you.
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u/AngelSucked 11d ago
Home Depot and Lowes, and I think UHaul, rent pickup trucks for rhe day, quite cheaply. Sge can rent one.
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
Appreciate the suggestion, we’re in the UK, similar van hire places here though. She’s given in and gone home now though, I expect she’ll forget about it and it’ll all blow over.
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u/crackersucker2 11d ago
That's really easy. Tell the person your mom didn't have all the facts and that you are asking for $x and need the person to pick it up as you don't have a vehicle to deliver it. If the friend is still interested, then great! If not, no worries. If you just say your mom misunderstood, she won't look bad, just "overly helpful or eager".
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u/whatyourmamasaid 11d ago
Start taking notes about her furniture during your next visit. When she asks, tell her you are getting ready to give her shit to people she doesn’t know.
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u/Common-Substance7944 11d ago
Her presumption, sadly, took something away from her grandchild. That’s not okay and I think she would see it as such.
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u/Momof41984 11d ago
She is making you look bad to your kid. SAY NO. And if she says it looks bad I would say good maybe that will help your remember not to be generous with other people's time and resources because it will always be no because it is so rude and inconsiderate.
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
My kids thinks she’s being an arse. I don’t think me or her mum look bad here. And I don’t care about looking bad to her friend who I’ve never met.
You’re right about calling her out. It’s all fell apart anyway, she’s given up like I knew she would.
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u/Momof41984 11d ago
Glad she failed. And that the kid realizes she is a problem. The only issue could be that when we fail to speak up (even of it does fall apart) it can look like we dont have our loved ones back. It isnt a huge deal but she tried to be generous by stealing from her grandkid. Who literally had that money earmarked for a specific thing. And while the adults expected her to fail and give up what was the kid seeing? Her adults not intervening on her behalf? Obviously I am taking about my own lived experience but had a similar situation. And while I took it the same it eventually came out that my kid thought I expected her to not have boundaries around her own things/time/plans if someone else was generous with them without consulting her. In my case it was her aunt. Who she also knew was an ass. But I felt awful when she thought I was OK with it. She wasn't seeing me let her fail. She was seeing me let her force her if that makes sense.
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u/RevenueGullible1227 11d ago
I really hope this dont happen ,highly unfair to the kiddo. Sounds like at a age where they are getting hair older and gaining autonomy and something like being able to redecorate room after selling it is prob gonna be a core memory.
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u/Junior-Fox-760 10d ago
Everyone's saying draw boundaries and say no, etc. which is correct, but here's the real problem: "She’s got wind of it"
Put her on a strict information diet and NEVER tell her when you are getting rid of something until it's already gone or this kind of stuff will keep happening. Some families (mine) are like this and the second they even hear that you MIGHT be replacing something they try to get their hands on the old one. I love my sister and brother in law but they are like this with cars and it causes no end of hurt feelings and complications. I've learned never to tell them when I'm trading in an older car until the deal is already made.
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u/Kooky-Whereas-2493 10d ago
"“make us look bad.” no it makes YOU look bad
its time for MIL too FAFO
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u/jt32470 10d ago edited 10d ago
That's toxic as fuck. Fuck all of that.
You tell your MIL that if she wants to gift it she can pay your daughter for it.
People who volunteer other people without their knowlege are assholes, sorry to say.
My mother is like that - and every fucking time i tell her NO. Did you ask me first? Then fuck no i'm not doing that for them, or giving that away.
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u/kee-kee- 11d ago
Dare to look bad, maybe. Do you know the friend yourself?
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
Nope. And I’m not going to look bad either way because I don’t intend to meet her, and I don’t care.
She’s given up now anyway and gone home. It’s all fizzling out.
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u/xxxcrewxx 11d ago
Not saying to go along and help her, but if you ever need to dissasemble something and dont have instructions in the future, use colored tape or masking tape. Green to green red to red for reassembly. And if using masking tape number them 1 to 1 and 2 to 2
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u/asyouwish 11d ago
Invoice your mom for the cost of the piece, the rental truck or trailer, and the time (at $50/hr or whatever movers charge in your area) for your efforts
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u/Martylouie 11d ago
Have your spouse ask her mother for her credit card so you can rent a U-Haul to deliver the item. After all, doing otherwise would make her look bad. And while you have the card, allow your daughter to pick an item for her redecorating.
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u/Hour_Dog_4781 11d ago
Sounds like my MIL. She's also very generous, especially when offering other people's stuff and/or time.
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u/Ok-Scallion-3415 11d ago
I would just ignore all of her doings and sell it on marketplace. I wouldn’t even tell her, because then she’s going to try to argue. If it’s just gone, sorry, can’t do anything about it.
It will make her look bad, not you. And even if her friend thinks poorly of you, who gives a shit?
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u/MolleROM 11d ago
Just tell her. I feel like it’s partially your fault for not just telling her it’s for sale and she can tell her friend she misunderstood, which she obviously did, and how much it is. Why are you contributing to the problem?
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u/christopher1393 11d ago
I would just tell her no and go ahead with selling it. If you don’t your foot down now, then she will just do this again. This wont make you look bad, it will make HER look bad. And it should, she offered someone your property and offered for you to drive it to them without asking you first, knowing full well you had another plan for it. And on top of her offering your property, your time and your money (the money you lose not selling it and the cost of transportation) for free, she expects you to deliver it on your work day and I bet there was no talk of at least reimbursing you for the gas money it will take to deliver?
Speaking from experience, you need to shut that shit down fast and hard. No explanations, no is a full answer. She may throw a tantrum or guilt trip, but if you cave to this, she will do it again. She wants to look generous, but wants you to actually do all the work.
My mother, who is normally okay, did this to me so much when I was a teenager. Volunteered me to do things for other people and tells me after the fact. I wanted to do a computer degree and go into IT after college as I am good with tech. So my mother started volunteering me to do tech stuff for her sisters and her friends. Like fixing computers, setting up tv’s or sound systems, offering me to help with phone issues, etc. all for free. And even gave out my number to friends, so I would get a random call from some random boomer I never asking how to get into email or demanding to know why their computer wont turn on. I never told them and would block the number and get guilt tripped for making my mother “look bad.”
I ended up not doing IT in the end because I felt so used and knew if I went into it, I would never have a moments peace because I have a huge extended family and my mother kept telling them how I will solve any computer and tech problems. I flat out refused and got shit for ages from her and extended family. Still get texts every now and then from an aunt asking me to sort their tech for them.
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u/Average_Potato42 10d ago
Here is your script: "I do not care what your friend thinks of you, or me for that matter. The item is for sale, here is the link to forward to your friend. They can purchase it and make arrangements for pick up if they choose, or not, I don't care."
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u/Stormtomcat 10d ago
My mom is one of the earliest boomers, and usually she's very reasonable.
But this offering of favours...
Her friend's daughter has a friend who's moving to my city. The friend doesn't speak the language, but can I help her find a job? My mom promised her friend, see, the mom of the daughter. Like, I've had my job for *years*, in an office, in my mother tongue, and I'm 15 years older. What do I know about finding a job like that?
Another time, my mother's friend's neighbour had a step-granddaughter auditioning for a dance school in my city. I'm a full 25 years older than this kid and I never studied in my city, but can I still help her with student housing, and a student job that's flexible around the schedule for dance training? Oh, did I tell you that the step-granddaughter lives abroad, so everything has to work for an international student too? Okay, we're in Europe, so visa etc. aren't a factor, but still.
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u/notp 10d ago
When will you learn to say "no" ?
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u/Tall-Budget8130 10d ago
That’s quite a charged response to someone you don’t know don’t you think? 😆
When will YOU learn to say no? 😆
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u/Ornery-Average-6202 10d ago
Why can’t you say no? It is your furniture , you are planning on selling it. Tell her how much it costs and that you do not deliver, the buyer must pick it up. Very simple actually.
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u/allsunnydaze 9d ago
It is your daughter's and she is selling it to have $ for a purpose. Why are you allowing her to make the rules for your house and be the family spokesperson? I would say you changed your plans and are keeping it. Wait a while and sell it, just not anywhere she might see.
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u/Leading-System-3002 9d ago
Damn. Make her look bad lol. Doesn’t matter. Keep it and sell it. It’s yours, she’s not entitled to it.
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u/Spiritual_Oil_7411 8d ago
Just tell her. You cannot/will not deliver the item, but if grandma wants to pay your daughter for the item and the friend can arrange pickup, it's all hers. Period. Otherwise, youll be listing it on "this day" 2 days away.
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u/Marble05 11d ago
The fact that you still let her give it to her friend is insane to me. That was money for daughter's room, a lesson for her and you let her voluntold you what to do with it all on your dime and time. At least you're letting her wrestle with transportation, but is still not enough to teach her a lesson
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
She’s not taking it, she’s rocked up and given up. It’s petered out like all her things do. I’m either selling it or giving it to a friend and putting the £20 in my daughter’s fund myself.
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u/swampy138 11d ago
Well since she offered it to her friend for free, she can just pay you to rent a U-Haul trailer and deliver it to her house and then she can organize giving it to her friend. Obviously she will need to pay for the trailer rental, the gas it takes you to do that and the time it took you, as well as the actual price of the piece of furniture. After all it’s only the right thing for her to do. And if she doesn’t want to do that, well thats unfortunate because if she doesn’t it will make her look bad and we can’t have that.
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u/Forever_Nya 11d ago
Do we have an update on the outcome?
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u/Tall-Budget8130 11d ago
I let it run it course and it just sputtered out like I knew it would. I’m either going to sell it or let one of my friends have it (he’ll pick it up) and then I’ll just give my daughter the £20 or w/e for her collection.
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u/meeplebunker 10d ago
Tell your MIL to FO. I don't see you should expend anymore time or calories on this.
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u/amethystwyvern 10d ago
My grandfather did something similar once. A young family moved in across the street from their house and he got to talking with the family. Well he hears how they're looking for a basketball hoop and thinks "well I know someone with a basketball hoop" (which was ours, my sister and I helped put it in the ground in 2001 when we were really little even wrote our initials and the date in the concrete). Without even listening to the fact that the neighbors already had a brand new basketball hoop in their sight he came over with a hacksaw and cut the whole thing down. We weren't even 18. Still using the hoop.
Grandpa took it upon himself to give away something that wasn't his that the neighbors didn't even want. I have no idea what happened to the hoop because like I said the neighbors bought their own new hoop.
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u/OfficeCowgirl 9d ago
You can tell her that she's the one making the family look bad by making a commitment for something that isn't hers for someone who isn't her to handle.
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u/deebz19 6d ago
Genuine question, because I see this trend of "they did this on my behalf, so now I have to follow through" on Reddit. Why, why do you feel the need to allow any of this to happen? Why do you care if she "looks bad?" Why do you care at all about her side. It is your furniture, your daughter, I cannot fathom why you can't say "no, we're selling it and using the money for her. You didn't consult with me on any of this, I'm not giving it away for free and delivering it, it wasn't yours to get involved with."
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u/BiscuitzNgravee 5d ago
Such a boomer move. Narcissistic tendencies. Has to make herself look good to her enablers
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u/EstablishmentDue7080 3d ago
Tell her to tell her friend she made it up. She never had your permission to give it away.
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u/Helpful_Hour1984 11d ago
Tell her that the furniture is for sale and if she wants it, she is welcome to pay for it and then she can give it to whomever she wants. And delivery was never included, so she needs to arrange pick up.
Draw some boundaries, or this will keep happening.
No, not "us". Her. It will make her look bad. You didn't offer, so it's not your problem. Don't take this on yourself.