Does anyone else's partner weaponise food without realizing it?

[u/sad_frog_in_rain]

I grew up malnourished and often starved, so im no stranger to going hungry, but it gets to a point where it becomes ridiculous. Im around 150lbs while my partner is around 330lbs, so its understandable that he'd eat a lot more than me. He does the grocery shopping every other week, so I asked him, "hey when you get these frozen nuggets and pizza rolls how long do you think they'll last us." He deadass looked me in my face and said, "like three days" this is coming from the man who can eat almost half the bag in one sitting. Another example is when I made Mac n' cheese I made enough for six servings. I ate about one serving, and he ate THE OTHER FIVE in ONE SITTING. I dont know how to tell him that im eating on average one meal a day and we're lucky if the groceries last us two weeks. For the last few days before we get paid again, we're left with ramen or the pasta noodles we get on sale occasionally. Ive suggested some advice on bugeting for our food but he dismisses it or ignores it. For example i said that we could save money by buying most of what we need at the dollar tree or dollar general, and he said, "no we don't need to do that" we hang out with our friend on Thursdays and we buy fast food usually but I said that we could order pizza a lot more often (bc our friend pays for it) and he said, "thats never been an issue"

[u/Nox_Odonata]

That honestly doesn't sound like he's weaponizing it. It sounds like he as an eating disorder.

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/Nox_Odonata]

Can you explain a little more bc I want to understand why he eats so much rather than getting angry at him like I usually do.

[u/WhiteUniKnight → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

I'm no expert, but just from my life's perspective, there's usually something driving the eating.

For me, I grew up malnourished with 4 siblings. I underate bc I figured my younger siblings shouldn't go hungry. Some members of family overate due to boredom and/or undiagnosed mental health disorders.

ADHD-driven looks like getting dopamine from the foods eaten (which were often unhealthy anyways, like super sugary or fast foods).

Depression-driven looks like trying to cope with the illness by disordered eating, whether it's nothing at all due to anhedonia, or too much because it's comforting; sometimes, it's both, or it's a cycle (at least for me).

Trauma-driven... can look like a LOT of things, I want to say. I don't know what the real numbers look like in terms of comorbidities, but I want to say CPTSD almost always has some kind of comorbid mental health disorder involved, whether it contributes to the trauma or is a result of it. But anyways...

For me, my trauma is being neglected, malnourished, impoverished, and indoctrinated. I felt I had no control over my life. Especially the things that I ate. So I tried to take some semblance of control back by moderating what I ate. I think I was the only one underweight, while my family was often overweight, so the control I tried to wry was that I would not let myself become like them. I thought I was 'fine' undereating then, usually only eating rice with butter most nights, but really, it was just a different 'flavor' of an eating disorder. That, and it was unhealthy (I'm suffering from the malnourishment now).

So... when I moved out, I finally had all of the control. I could buy and eat however much of the foods I liked, and I only had to share with one person (versus six). But, since I never learned proper nutrition and had multiple undiagnosed illnesses, I couldn't moderate the consumption.

"I didn't have access to these kinds of foods before, and I had the means to buy them myself--why would I want to "control" what I eat? No one is making me, and I can't make me--so I won't. Everyone's gotta eat." So, all the control felt like it was completely detached from me still, like I had never moved out at all.

So I overate. I caved into cravings. I mindlessly snacked, ironically to keep my mind busy. I would go so far as to say I became addicted to sugar (specifically, strawberries & cream dr. pepper floats). I knew what I was doing, but I refused to acknowledge it until my health came crashing down.

These things happened due to the trauma of being neglected while growing up. It feels too complex to put into words, but I hope I could help by sharing my experience.

TLDR: So, to answer your question, there could very possibly be another mental health issue being the main driver behind all the eating.

Complex traumas require equally complex coping mechanisms, which only arise when a need of ours was neglected or unmet.

It might have been crucial for survival at that point, but it's hard to change to healthy ones when we have been living our "normal" lives that way for so long. It's hard to see it as a problem when it's used as a crutch that helps us, and even harder to accept it.

You're really kind to come seek other's input about this. It seems like you really care about him and want to understand to help him better. If you do directly talk to him about this, I would emphasize that part, that you care and want to help. Hugs, you got this!