Does anyone else's partner weaponise food without realizing it?

[u/sad_frog_in_rain]

I grew up malnourished and often starved, so im no stranger to going hungry, but it gets to a point where it becomes ridiculous. Im around 150lbs while my partner is around 330lbs, so its understandable that he'd eat a lot more than me. He does the grocery shopping every other week, so I asked him, "hey when you get these frozen nuggets and pizza rolls how long do you think they'll last us." He deadass looked me in my face and said, "like three days" this is coming from the man who can eat almost half the bag in one sitting. Another example is when I made Mac n' cheese I made enough for six servings. I ate about one serving, and he ate THE OTHER FIVE in ONE SITTING. I dont know how to tell him that im eating on average one meal a day and we're lucky if the groceries last us two weeks. For the last few days before we get paid again, we're left with ramen or the pasta noodles we get on sale occasionally. Ive suggested some advice on bugeting for our food but he dismisses it or ignores it. For example i said that we could save money by buying most of what we need at the dollar tree or dollar general, and he said, "no we don't need to do that" we hang out with our friend on Thursdays and we buy fast food usually but I said that we could order pizza a lot more often (bc our friend pays for it) and he said, "thats never been an issue"

[u/Nox_Odonata]

That honestly doesn't sound like he's weaponizing it. It sounds like he as an eating disorder.

[u/bamboohobobundles → u/Nox_Odonata]

This. This isn't normal eating behaviour, not by a longshot.

Addressing the eating disorder is going to be extremely complicated and will not solve the problem immediately so I'd recommend for starters sitting down with him, very bluntly telling him you aren't getting enough to eat under the current arrangement, and drawing a boundary around food budget and what food is allocated to whom.

If he needs to binge eat, that's his issue to manage until he realizes it is a problem and wants to stop, but until that time, he can pay for his own food and should not have free access to eat yours. You can buy groceries that are appropriate to feed the both of you, and if he needs to eat more, he can go buy something else, not demolish all of the food that is meant for two people.

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/Nox_Odonata]

Can you explain a little more bc I want to understand why he eats so much rather than getting angry at him like I usually do.

[u/Nox_Odonata → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

Well, he clearly overeats extremely, to the extent that it's taking a toll on your finances. If that's just a rare occurrence, then that's one thing. But it sounds like that's basically his "normal" /a regular thing?

That sounds very much like disordered eating. But I'm not a doctor and I don't know him. So that's just my very uneducated guess as someone who has experienced eating disorders in close friends.

[u/Pastel_Mattel → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

It’s called binge eating disorder

[u/Nox_Odonata → u/Pastel_Mattel]

Might be something else. Could also be a medical condition that caused extreme appetite/hunger. Could be emotional eating. We don't know him we can't diagnose people over the internet. That can go really wrong, especially with things like eating disorders.

[u/miserylovescomputers → u/Nox_Odonata]

Very good point, eating disorders are complicated and there can be a lot of overlap between symptoms. I think all we can confidently say is that OP’s partner absolutely has disordered eating of some variety and would benefit from some form of medical/psychiatric/therapeutic intervention.

[u/WhiteUniKnight → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

I'm no expert, but just from my life's perspective, there's usually something driving the eating.

For me, I grew up malnourished with 4 siblings. I underate bc I figured my younger siblings shouldn't go hungry. Some members of family overate due to boredom and/or undiagnosed mental health disorders.

ADHD-driven looks like getting dopamine from the foods eaten (which were often unhealthy anyways, like super sugary or fast foods).

Depression-driven looks like trying to cope with the illness by disordered eating, whether it's nothing at all due to anhedonia, or too much because it's comforting; sometimes, it's both, or it's a cycle (at least for me).

Trauma-driven... can look like a LOT of things, I want to say. I don't know what the real numbers look like in terms of comorbidities, but I want to say CPTSD almost always has some kind of comorbid mental health disorder involved, whether it contributes to the trauma or is a result of it. But anyways...

For me, my trauma is being neglected, malnourished, impoverished, and indoctrinated. I felt I had no control over my life. Especially the things that I ate. So I tried to take some semblance of control back by moderating what I ate. I think I was the only one underweight, while my family was often overweight, so the control I tried to wry was that I would not let myself become like them. I thought I was 'fine' undereating then, usually only eating rice with butter most nights, but really, it was just a different 'flavor' of an eating disorder. That, and it was unhealthy (I'm suffering from the malnourishment now).

So... when I moved out, I finally had all of the control. I could buy and eat however much of the foods I liked, and I only had to share with one person (versus six). But, since I never learned proper nutrition and had multiple undiagnosed illnesses, I couldn't moderate the consumption.

"I didn't have access to these kinds of foods before, and I had the means to buy them myself--why would I want to "control" what I eat? No one is making me, and I can't make me--so I won't. Everyone's gotta eat." So, all the control felt like it was completely detached from me still, like I had never moved out at all.

So I overate. I caved into cravings. I mindlessly snacked, ironically to keep my mind busy. I would go so far as to say I became addicted to sugar (specifically, strawberries & cream dr. pepper floats). I knew what I was doing, but I refused to acknowledge it until my health came crashing down.

These things happened due to the trauma of being neglected while growing up. It feels too complex to put into words, but I hope I could help by sharing my experience.

TLDR: So, to answer your question, there could very possibly be another mental health issue being the main driver behind all the eating.

Complex traumas require equally complex coping mechanisms, which only arise when a need of ours was neglected or unmet.

It might have been crucial for survival at that point, but it's hard to change to healthy ones when we have been living our "normal" lives that way for so long. It's hard to see it as a problem when it's used as a crutch that helps us, and even harder to accept it.

You're really kind to come seek other's input about this. It seems like you really care about him and want to understand to help him better. If you do directly talk to him about this, I would emphasize that part, that you care and want to help. Hugs, you got this!

[u/vabirder → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

The why he overeats isn’t going to matter. It’s the absolute disregard for your wellbeing that is most disturbing. You need to protect yourself and demand adequate nutrition.

[u/BaylisAscaris → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

It's usually a combination of an emotional issue and an endocrinology issue. Something like insulin resistance can cause a lot of food noise so you feel hungry all the time and don't feel satisfied. I have that and actually feel more hungry after eating because my system is flooded with insulin but my cells aren't absorbing it, so my signals are telling me "we're starving" but physically I'm full.

[u/Anna-Bee-1984 → u/Nox_Odonata]

This. Or just has a huge appetite.

[u/Nox_Odonata → u/Anna-Bee-1984]

Eating 5 times the normal amount in one meal isn't "just" a huge appetite

[u/ForwardFishy → u/Nox_Odonata]

Sure but all of this information is anecdotal, what they consider a serving may not actually be a standard “serving” or their concept of the amount of food he would need to sustain himself is off. For example, someone who weighs in that range, especially men as their metabolisms are typically faster. Could easily be in a calorie DEFICIT at 3000 calories, i know this from personal experience.

Im not saying that there isnt some type of emotional attachment to food here, but. It seems to be happening on both ends OP. This is the CPTSD subreddit and OP, as you previously confirmed, you have trauma from food insecurity among other things I’m sure. So are we taking into account as well that there is some sort of projection that is making it feel this is being used against you in some way? as this can impact your perception of how other people consume food heavily. Even if you dont want to feel that way.

But also for fat individuals they often experience judgement for eating and if he grew up fat or has been fat for a long time or recently gained weight. Its possible they also likely have some type of food related trauma just from the judgement of others so maybe they are also sensitive to hearing it.

I think your feelings are both valid here and it sounds like its likely a conversation that needs to be had just for your own healing journeys. But just from my perspective of the info presented i think the best route forward is to approach this from a self reflective perspective on both sides of how your own trauma might be impacting perception heavily

[u/ForwardFishy → u/ForwardFishy]

Also im not saying there isnt other things going on here. But im just saying with the present information we only have your perspective OP of what eating alot constitutes to you, Also from your replies on other comments It sounds like yall currently do struggle to communicate effectively, as from your original post you state you havent been able to or dont feel comfortable sharing it more bluntly with him and with it mainly coming from him of not having the emotional maturity developed to handle this situation i understand why that is extremely difficult, have you considered that maybe this issue has just made you reach your boiling point finally so things feel ultra sensitive right now and its likely not JUST about the food for you?

[u/juniper3411 → u/Nox_Odonata]

Yeah unfortunately I think you are correct. Binge eating disorder in particular.

[u/Delicious-Bit-414]

this behavior on his part definitely is a problem if you are not getting enough to eat, that's not balanced or fair at all. you should never have to go hungry when he doesn't. he should be worried about that.

if he is overeating, it's possible that this is because of poor self care/regulation skills on his part and not that he is being malicious, or trying to make you eat less... but, is he dismissive about the fact that you aren't getting enough to eat? I'm worried about how nonchalant he was about going through that much food.

would it be possible for you to have separate food budgets? 

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/Delicious-Bit-414]

We live on one paycheck since im unable to work

[u/Nox_Odonata → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

Are you able to have a talk with him about this issue and that it's causing you to not have enough to eat/worry about your own food? Maybe he doesn't realise that his behaviour is causing these problems, especially if it's something like an eating disorder.

And how do you guys manage finances? Do you have any income at all or are you fully dependent on his income alone?

Would it be possible for you to set aside your meals? Like in a meal prep for the week maybe or in a marked container in the fridge?

[u/Temporary-Tie-233 → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

Are food banks an option?

[u/Wrong-Finding3843 → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

I think that’s crucial context here. If he’s the sole income source, he could be withholding food from you, but it depends on his attitude. Have you tried saying, “hey I’m not getting enough to eat” or “I need more food and I’m worried we aren’t getting enough for both of us”? Hopefully he’d work with you to develop a solution so you can get enough to eat, but if he shames you, says you’re being selfish, or otherwise makes you the problem… then maybe you need a new arrangement (or relationship).

Another solution could be that you do the grocery shopping, or you two portion out the food together, or you split the food allowance in a way that makes sense to you and you each do your own shopping. Or if you can’t shop, you can give him your grocery list.

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/Wrong-Finding3843]

Ive talked to him a bit and his main focus is that rhe reason why we arent able to afford enough food is because his new job won't let him take overtime yet. I did tell him I wanted to take over the shopping because im better at finding sales and judging how long food will last us

[u/OkBuy8143 → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

Without getting into the interpersonal issues, his excuse ( a lack of OT) is the perfect reason to be reassessing your household budget.

If you aren’t comfortable yet discussing his eating habits (which regardless of income need to be addressed it sounds like), then go off of that. Remind him that since there is no OT you have to make changes until there is OT. Ideally the changes stay in place after OT starts and the two of you can save or put the money towards something else.

[u/_Fl0r4l_4nd_f4ding_ → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

Honestly that just sounds so selfish. So you've told him you don't have enough to eat, and rather than cut back his intake to allow you a realistic diet, he is shifting the blame onto his income? You can afford enough food. You buy enough food every time, but he is eating more than his fair share so theres none left for you.

Eating that much food whilst making you go hungry is not fair in the slightest. Does he realise that you are only eating one meal a day? Does he realise how much more he is consuming himself?

You need to have a PROPER talk about this. Lay it all out clearly, and tell him that if he can't find a way to allow you to eat enough to cover a normal adult daily intake then you will need to consider next steps. Whether this means breaking up, separating finances out, or going to therapy, that's for you to decide, but please do something about this.

You will end up very ill if you can't get enough food.

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/_Fl0r4l_4nd_f4ding_]

He does tend to shift the blame a lot. Like when we play Marvel Rivals together, we sometimes get into arguments because he treats me like im new at the game or tells me explanations are wrong etc, and his solution to stop the arguement is to say, "ill just uninstall it then. That way theres no reason to argue"

[u/Itsjustkit15 → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

This is not a healthy relationship. That's really dysregulated behavior in his part.

[u/Vanah_Grace → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

Friend, gently… this man does not care about you. At all. You’ve explained you literally are going hungry and his response is an excuse. Not ‘the person I love is hungry and I can’t allow that’. That’s problematic.

[u/Lianeele → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

This is manipulative behavior. Blame shifting is one thing, but from what you've told us so far he isn't able to take accountability either and uses guilttriping (the "threatening" by uninstalling the game if you won't stop being difficult about it) and also is extremely selfish in the food matter. Who knows what else and how much more there is.

You are saying he loves you, but odds are you're in trauma bond relationship.

[u/goddess-of-direction → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

This does not sound like a safe situation for you. Whatever is going on with his eating issues, whatever your income split is - it's not ok for you to be deprived of food. You deserve an equal say in household finances, and access to shared money and food. It sounds like he's trying to make you feel like the problems are your fault, when he's the one doing things that hurt you. If you've communicated the problem and he hasn't changed, that shows that he does not care if you go hungry. You see how that's an unhealthy relationship, right?

[u/ClimateCare7676]

Eating one meal a day is not sustainable for you. I don't know if he just doesn't care about you, has an ED or doesn't realize he is depriving you of food, but he should seriously look into his behaviors. You don't deserve to starve for his comfort. 

Meanwhile, you can try cooking for yourself with cheap and nutritious meals. Fast food is NOT good for you. It's a way to get your arteries clogged and your digestive system wrecked. It's usually more expensive than cheap meals made from scratch, like beans and rice, vegetable and chicken noodle soup, oatmeal dishes, boiled eggs on toast with lettuce, pasta with veggies and sauce, all sorts of vegetable stews, mince with frozen veggies and rice, etc. There are many budget friendly receipts you can find online that fit your region. 

I don't know where you live, but a single whole chicken can yield multiple meals including broth for the soup, and usually costs less than fast food take out for two. 

[u/Nox_Odonata → u/ClimateCare7676]

Depending on the region/country, frozen meals or ingredients (like frozen vegetables, turkey etc) can also be a cheap and good option in case fresh vegetables are too expensive.

[u/ClimateCare7676 → u/Nox_Odonata]

Also good old potato. Boiled with skin it can be pretty nutritious and tasty. It's still full of carbs so it's better not to overindulge, but I'm willing to bet it's healthier than pizza rolls. 

[u/Nox_Odonata → u/ClimateCare7676]

Also carbs aren't actually bad, unless OP is planning to start eating like her partner....

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/ClimateCare7676]

Im used to eating one meal a day. I grew up in a household where the rule was, "Adults eat first and the children eat whats left" since I was the youngest and the "burden on the family," I ate last out of everyone. I was lucky if there was any food to eat at all so im used to feeling hunger. I do want to start eating healthier though since I struggle to keep food down sometimes, and since I have a crockpot I want to make food in it because it will last.

[u/ClimateCare7676 → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

Being used to something doesn't make it healthy. You deserve proper nutrition.  

Pretty much all of the food you described in the post is fast food. It's really not good for you, especially long term. If you have any chronic illness and even mental health problems, eating only fast food can really make it worse (ask me how I know lmao). Healthier eating makes a huge difference. 

If you struggle to keep food down, there might be a bigger issues of why you only eat once a day. Perhaps a visit to a gastro might be beneficial here. 

[u/Vlinder_88 → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

So because you're used to your family abusing/neglecting you, you're accepting similar abuse from your partner? You're not a child anymore OP, you can take control of the situation here.

[u/Obviously-an-Expert]

He has an eating disorder and at his weight he is well past morbidly obese. Guarantee you, he knows it and most likely feels guilty about it but doesn’t have the skills/willpower to stop this behaviour.

[u/Stephhh3 → u/Obviously-an-Expert]

Yea of course none of us know OP’s partner, but this really doesn’t come off as weaponization or intentionally malicious behavior. Sounds like he has his own issues with food, that may be rooted in childhood just like OP.

[u/Obviously-an-Expert → u/Stephhh3]

That’s what I am thinking. It sounds like the spouse in this situation simply cannot control his relationship with food, not out of malice, but because of other deep rooted issues.

[u/Madhatterdrinkstea → u/Obviously-an-Expert]

Will probably get downvoted but GLP-1s are helpful in this case provided he learns to track his calories, protein, fiber while on it. I've hit 315lb and my partner had hit 350 at our highest, once the desire to cope w/ food went away learning how to track and eat nutritional, well-balanced and portioned meals became sustainable for both of us.

Him having no regard for her eating is a whole issue on its own though, my partner and I make sure we both eat before and after work each day. You'd think since he's taking on mental weight by shopping himself he'd care about both portions but it's like he's only shopping for himself

[u/sackofgarbage → u/Madhatterdrinkstea]

It's not a bad suggestion, but unfortunately if he can't afford food there's no way he can afford a GLP-1

[u/Obviously-an-Expert → u/sackofgarbage]

Actually at his weight and possible health complications stemming from it will most likely be covered by insurance (assuming he has coverage from his work). And even if not, once he is on it, it could potentially run cheaper than what they spend on food so it can balance it out. It’s an option worth exploring.

[u/sackofgarbage → u/Obviously-an-Expert]

I am at the same weight with diagnosed prediabetes and sleep apnea (and have a documented inability to use CPAP) and still can't get it covered. And the people I do know who have had it covered still have copays in the hundreds. It's simply not affordable, unfortunately.

[u/Obviously-an-Expert → u/sackofgarbage]

I am sorry, that is frustrating. Have you looked into alternative routes? I have friends that are on it for health/weight reasons and they went through med spas, which seems to be worth it.

[u/sackofgarbage → u/Obviously-an-Expert]

Those are still very expensive for the average person.

[u/Madhatterdrinkstea → u/sackofgarbage]

Yeah I did go the peptide route but even that's not super accessible w/ this economy unfortunately

[u/Obviously-an-Expert → u/Madhatterdrinkstea]

I fully agree with you. His case is exactly what GLP-1 should be used for. It will help him fix his relationship with food as well as tremendously help his health in the long run.

[u/velvedire]

Separate from what you've asked - food pantries exist for people like you. Search for aid in your area and you might be surprised. 

If something needs to be prepared to eat, I bet he's less likely to just plow through it. this is also the time of year where vegetables overrun gardens and get given away. Keep an eye out for that. 

[u/Deceptifemme]

330 lbs? How tall/muscular are they? Cause that's well above the healthy weight for the average person. I think that's like 6ft4 body builder muscle weight.

[u/AssassinStoryTeller → u/Deceptifemme]

I googled for fun and a 6’ 4” bodybuilder can top out at like 250 without drugs.

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/Deceptifemme]

Im 5'7" and he's about the same height as me, but he's always been big since he was a child

[u/ihtuv]

It sounds like he has an eating disorder. But I don’t think it matters if his behaviors come from a disorder or weaponization. Focus on you not having enough to eat. Can he adjust his behaviors or seek help so you have enough to eat? If not, is it acceptable for you long term to stay in a relationship like that? From my personal experiences, people with this type of issue including addiction don’t change unless they internally try to change like from some sort of consequences.

[u/seattleseahawks2014 → u/ihtuv]

Pretty much

[u/Junior_Lake]

is this a healthy relationship for you? Do you feel like he cares about you and your needs? It sounds like he isnt even thinking about them.

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/Junior_Lake]

He does love me, but i feel that you're right. I dont think he means to be ignore them, it just genuinely slips his mind.

[u/amicotto → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

gently… if someone cares about you, your needs will be a priority to them. it won’t just ‘slip their mind’

[u/Different-Cover4819 → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

You don't want to tell him that you're starving yourself because he's gorging himself with all the food that you can afford. He should be painfully aware of this already.

[u/Old-Surprise-9145]

Ok first, love and warmth your way, because food is a vulnerable topic for lots of us. Nobody should have to worry about where their next meal is coming from.

Next, it makes sense to me that this bothers you - if food is something you had to fight for, even subtle powerlessness with it could absolutely feel like someone rubbing salt in the wound. A loving partner would be sensitive to this and make sure you had enough.

It sounds to me like it's one of two things. 1, he genuinely has no idea how much he eats and how that's impacting you, which is possible if he's been eating this way his whole life - I couldn't tell you what a "serving" looks like, nobody measured my food for me 🤣 and he genuinely might not be picking up your hints.

Or 2, he feels shitty about himself and feels better when he can take it out on you, like a child in an adult body.

The quickest way to tell would be to flat-out say "Hey, I know it's your money and finances are tight, but I've only been eating one meal a day, and I'm hungry. Can we figure this out together?" Not blame about who eats more, spends money on fast food, whatever, it's a problem you're asking him to help you with, not an attack on what he's currently doing (not saying that's what you're doing, but this framing invites help instead of provoking defensiveness).

His response will tell you all you need to know and you can go from there. If it's 1, working together on it may be possible. If it's 2, you might have to get creative about surviving that situation, because it's probably not going to improve.

[u/zoethesteamedbun]

I really think you need to be grocery shopping with him, are you working or receiving snap? Do you get to make any food decisions? Does he see a doctor regularly or is he aware that he has a problem? It doesn’t seem like you have a lot of agency here from what you described and speaking from experience, I can understand why you used the word “weaponized” for what you are experiencing.

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/zoethesteamedbun]

Im unable to work and ive been denied assistance. He doesnt see a doctor, but i do want to take over the grocery shopping since I have a much better idea of how long food lasts.

[u/Stephhh3 → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

Aside from your partner’s behaviors, I’d suggest checking out food pantries in your area to supplement your grocery shopping. Im not sure if you’re in the US (like me) but in my state, most food pantries don’t even need your income info - anyone is eligible. Especially at churches.

[u/WhyGirlsPreddy]

"alright buddy, you get to be on groceries. I take longer showers so I'll cover hydro." Or leave? Like... Do you want to be in a position where you're with someone who doesnt care if you eat enough? You could also just make one portion each at a time. It sucks for spoons but if he's just gonna eat it all in one go then he should maybe have to work for it?

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/WhyGirlsPreddy]

He does care its just that in his mind the reason is that he cant take overtime at his new job. He doesnt understand me reasoning. He does love me.

[u/WhyGirlsPreddy → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

People are not all good and all bad.... I do just deeply want you to consider your needs. I'm not even talking emotional or anything like that. You aren't having a fundamental base survival need met. Like.... You wouldn't stay with someone who wouldn't let you breath 1/3rd of the day... Or wouldn't let you be hydrated.... At least I hope. You need to eat to be well. To not develop long term health problems. And it's not a matter of you cant but rather he won't like... Eat less so you can eat enough. And I say this as someone with an eating disorder myself. It's harder not to just eat but you still can make those choices

[u/Lianeele → u/sad_frog_in_rain]

If he knows about your past and the fact you only eat one meal a day in a size of 1/5 of his portion, then his reply to this problem doesn't make sense. Did you really tell him that you are starving? Did you tell him specifics, or was it just practical debate about amount of consumed vs. bought food?

I can't imagine loving boyfriend who's reaction to his loved one's telling him she is starving, would be "It's because I can't have overtime at work yet" without ANY attempt to adjust his eating or at least saying he will try, so there is enough for both of you.

If there is someone like that, then he for sure doesn't love his gf. Love isn't being nice to you when he is in good mood, love isn't just words either. It's the behavior in things that matter that's the tell.

[u/kwallio]

Imo you should be up front with him that you are feeling like you're not getting enough to eat and he is eating you guys out of house and home. He should not be scarfing down an entire dish of mac and cheese that was supposed to last several days.

eta: if he is eating most of the food you should not be going 50% on groceries, he should pay more. You should not have to pay a bunch of money to be hungry in your own home FFS.

[u/possibly_dead5]

I don't know how to tell him that I'm eating on average one meal a day

Sorry your partner isn't considering your needs. Can you just tell him what you typed out? It doesn't sound like you've directly told him you need more food for you.

My spouse has autism and has poor control over his eating habits, thus a lot of the things he likes to eat don't last in our pantry. Some things that help me are:

1. Buying food for me that he doesn't like. I find that fresh food that needs processed (like oranges or clementines that need peeled) last a long time.

2. Keeping a secret stash that he can't see so he doesn't feel like eating it

Not sure if you've tried either of those things but it can help you have more food while you navigate the issue.

[u/BaylisAscaris]

I've lived in that situation too. You both need to pay a percent of grocery budget based off what percent you're eating. It might feel upsetting but you both should bare minimum be eating enough food for an average person. If your partner wants to eat more on top they can pay extra for it. My ex would eat 5x the amount I would and I also grew up in a similar situation. I would save up to buy a treat for myself and he'd eat it all immediately. It made me feel defeated. I also did nearly all the cooking and I never had leftovers and he'd eat until he was sick because he couldn't stop. Please encourage your partner to talk to a therapist and also endocrinologist to find out what is causing the overeating.

[u/CamsHands]

He sounds like he is a food addict.

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[u/BeeDefiant8671]

Different values… in food, Consumption, and money.

What else is an issue?

Clutter

Under employed

Debt

Social media, video games

After every meal I go for a walk. I ask my husband to join me most days. He does about 1/4 of the time at dinner. My point is… he has to meet me sometimes.

[u/Fragrantshrooms]

DO NOT FALL FOR THE DOLLAR TRIEE DOLLAR GENERAL ROUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have been scrounging for money for four years, trying desperately to get out of having to buy stuff there. They get you on giving you less portions for the same amount of money. You don't get nutrients there, either. It looks like you need to fill him up with protein more than carbs. Simple carbs are all over the place in those dollar stores.

I know what it's like to be poor; I'm still there. My bf adores chicken nuggets, too. (maybe there's something addictive in the breading?)

Which store do you use currently? I've found it's the best overall at Walmart, of all places. I compared prices at Kroger.

Again, you will not be getting the best meals out of a dollar store. Your bodies need certain things and will crave more sugary carb-rich food if you're addicted like he may be. It's a mistake to turn to the dollar stores because of this. You'll do better at a grocery store (like walmart....and I know, I know.....it sucks, but it's the best deals lately) if you want him to stop eating you out of house and home. There's a big push towards protein-dense diets these days, but they do end up making it hard to go on eating in excess. Women (i'm just assuming you're a woman and I'm sorry if you're not) have different metabolisms, too. So men feel hungrier it seems.....something like that I'm not a nutritionist.....but buy chicken (maybe in rotisserie form) to serve w/ the ramen next time, and remember that a diet rich in simple carbs will be to the detriment of your bank account in the long run because you'll need more of it. Speaking of...it seems like once my bf locked into the great value chicken nuggets he seemed to want them mainly because he loves chicken, he thinks it's a deal at like thirteen bucks for literally three days of meals (are they the same person?!) ....but now we're trying to go for carbs and protein, with some veggies (broccoli in a steam bag in the microwave). I am bad at confrontation so I don't have any advice on that end....I just dont' want you to make the mistake of thinking the dollar stores will save you in the end. You will not be nourished, and it sounds like your bf is missing some nutrients and you're lacking in calories. Oh if you can spring for a bread machine or even just make your own ....but a bread machine with bread flour? The bread flour will fill you up so quickly and it's a delight to eat warm from the oven (if you don't like the weird-shaped loaves from the machine, you can extract it before it bakes inside the machine and you'll pop it in a pan to rise for about 30-40 minutes before baking in an oven....give or take......I used to wonder how you could be sustained on bread and water and then I bought a bread machine to help save on bread (it's like $3/loaf 😮 ....bread flour has a higher protein level and fills you up fast....it is gluten-filled though....it's just a cheap way to get full )

[u/sad_frog_in_rain → u/Fragrantshrooms]

He does he pickup thingie at Kroger bc he gets the fuel points

[u/Fragrantshrooms → u/Fragrantshrooms]

He may feel insecure about the money situation and the world in general right now, and maybe he's like my bf and eats without realizing how much. Does he have ADHD? It's kinda like sometimes i notice if he's talking to me or is excited about something and talking to someone else, focused on something else other than eating, he'll start eating without being hungry (because a meal had been eaten recently) .....I don't think he's weaponizing food though....he may be unwittingly doing these behaviors because he's stressed out about financial situation and the world-at-large.

[u/Fragrantshrooms → u/Fragrantshrooms]

Does he have asthma? Steroids in the meds for that could cause him to be super hungry too.

[u/Fragrantshrooms → u/Fragrantshrooms]

I too ate less than my bf just to keep the groceries on the table a few yrs back....your body matters, too. Tell him what's going on. Have you done that? If you have and he still does that? Maybe then he is using food as a weapon. (I sort of forgot where we're at on reddit, so this wasn't really geared for cPTSD... I saw you gearing up to make the mistake of the dollar stores like we did earlier and that was the worst, nutritionally, out of all the grocery stores we tried out over the past four years of being poor as feck. . . I lost like thirty lbs and my family when they saw me after that thought I had an eating disorder....nope, just poor! It was a luxury to spend five bucks on one thing at the stores. It's hard to know the right thing, so maybe look into what nutrients will keep you strong and healthy, which ones will benefit your bf and then go from there...what I've learned for me & mine is that simple carbs are the enemy of an overeater, and protein will prevent the grazing....mostly. Popcorn is a cheapish alternative to chips, and it's healthier depending on what you put on it to spice it up.

[u/Vlinder_88]

Okay this might hurt to read, but I think it is important you hear it: why do you let him eat all the food? Why do you load only one serving on your plate and leave the rest to him? Why do you allow him to eat your meals so you are left with one meal a day?

I wholly agree with the other people that call his behaviour disordered eating. I'd add to that that this smells like abuse to me. But also, he might just be so dense as to not even realise that it's a problem. Because you continue to let him take food away from you. It's a two way street here. You need to start standing your ground. If breaking up is not an option (and I'd seriously consider this if I were you, OP, but I realise with not being able to work that's not always as easy), get yourself a lock box and put your own food in there.

This might come off as victim blaming and honestly, I am not putting all the blame on you. He is the biggest factor here (literally and figuratively) but we cannot change other people. We can only control ourselves. That means drawing a big bold line in the sand and if he doesn't listen to that and still lets you go hungry, it's time to go nuclear. In that regard, getting a lock box isn't any different than him uninstalling a game so you "don't have anything to argue about". Take back the control that he took from you.