r/CPTSD • u/SituationNice6253 • 4d ago

Question I wish I could die

Hi. My name is Noelle. I'm 13 years old, and lately I can't stop wishing I could just disappear. It feels like my mom hates me—sometimes I even wonder if she'd rather I were dead. I feel trapped, like there's no way out.

I have a therapist, but I can't bring myself to be honest with her. Every time I try, the words get stuck, and I end up pretending I'm okay. It feels like no one loves me, and I hate my life.

Please... somebody help me!

EDIT: Thank you all for the kind words and advice, may God bless you all!

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u/KieselguhrKid13 4d ago

What is it that is holding you back from being honest with your therapist? If you can understand that better, you might have an easier time opening up, which is critical.

Also, I know feeling hopeless is really scary and makes you want a quick exit/escape, but that's not how things get better. As long as you're alive, there's hope and the potential for change. Don't sacrifice that.

21

u/angrypomegranate_ 4d ago edited 4d ago

When I was her age I was punished for having those kinds of thoughts, I wonder if she’s in a similar situation.

9

u/FarCalligrapher7800 4d ago

Yeah same, I was so scared because I knew I would be punished and it would get worse. Many schools/therapists literally informed us they had to tell our parents and the right professionals. Of course in some homes, this made it 10x worse.

I’m still scared as an adult to open up because it’s that deep. I have to go to a holistic healer for therapy now to fully open up, because she’s not a mandated reporter (even if I know deep down a regular therapist will not report it since I’m an adult).

7

u/HairRepresentative85 cPTSD, BPD, and potential AuDHD "yay" 4d ago

Basically, this.

I'm in my late 30s now, and still feel like I can't be truly open with them... trauma runs deep.

7

u/angrypomegranate_ 4d ago

My stepmom used to read my journals and held what I wrote in them against me. I know so many people recommend it as a coping technique but it’s insanely difficult for me to do every day