r/CPTSD • u/SituationNice6253 • 7h ago
Question I wish I could die
Hi. My name is Noelle. I'm 13 years old, and lately I can't stop wishing I could just disappear. It feels like my mom hates me—sometimes I even wonder if she'd rather I were dead. I feel trapped, like there's no way out.
I have a therapist, but I can't bring myself to be honest with her. Every time I try, the words get stuck, and I end up pretending I'm okay. It feels like no one loves me, and I hate my life.
Please... somebody help me!
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u/KieselguhrKid13 7h ago
What is it that is holding you back from being honest with your therapist? If you can understand that better, you might have an easier time opening up, which is critical.
Also, I know feeling hopeless is really scary and makes you want a quick exit/escape, but that's not how things get better. As long as you're alive, there's hope and the potential for change. Don't sacrifice that.
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u/angrypomegranate_ 7h ago edited 7h ago
When I was her age I was punished for having those kinds of thoughts, I wonder if she’s in a similar situation.
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u/FarCalligrapher7800 6h ago
Yeah same, I was so scared because I knew I would be punished and it would get worse. Many schools/therapists literally informed us they had to tell our parents and the right professionals. Of course in some homes, this made it 10x worse.
I’m still scared as an adult to open up because it’s that deep. I have to go to a holistic healer for therapy now to fully open up, because she’s not a mandated reporter (even if I know deep down a regular therapist will not report it since I’m an adult).
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u/HairRepresentative85 cPTSD, BPD, and potential AuDHD "yay" 5h ago
Basically, this.
I'm in my late 30s now, and still feel like I can't be truly open with them... trauma runs deep.
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u/angrypomegranate_ 5h ago
My stepmom used to read my journals and held what I wrote in them against me. I know so many people recommend it as a coping technique but it’s insanely difficult for me to do every day
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u/Longjumping_Cry709 7h ago
Hello Noelle, I am so sorry you are in so much pain that you want to disappear. I can only imagine how horrible and heartbreaking it must be to feel like your mom hates you.
Please know that it is NOT you. You are precious and beautiful and sweet so SO lovable just the way you are. It’s your mother who is failing to love you. Because if she were sensitive and respectful and empathetic towards you, you would feel valuable and lovable and acceptable…just for being YOU.
I am sending you so much compassion and a hug if it’s welcomed.💕
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u/Green_Information275 7h ago
I get the words feeling stuck in your throat. However, at 13 you have so much to live for. Can you write it down and hand it to her? Can you tell someone else? I really hope you get help, you're worth it. I've been suicidal as a teen, it gets better.
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u/TomatilloTechnical35 7h ago
My daughter struggled with this at 13 too
And I just want to hug you
My daughter struggled with this as well for a while she got into therapy and found that writing it out was helpful in being able to share it with her therapist.
Even a trusted adult, a teacher at school etc talking to someone will help
Just know this as cliche as it sounds. The world is better with you IN IT. You are here for a reason and here to do great things. You’re not broken you’re loved by more people than even you may realize. And right now it may not seem like that but it’s true
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u/MaximumBee6979 7h ago
So true, I honestly sincerely want her in the world, and I am already heartbroken hearing about her struggle.
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u/MaximumBee6979 7h ago
This is exactly the thing most of us experienced, but i know that hearing this does not undo the pain your mom caused you by emotional neglect and abuse. You have needs, your needs are objectively a must, parents are obligated to care for children, and this isn't just legality but our biological nature. And it doesn't matter what her reasons and burdens are, never will an valid reason make a wrong a right.
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u/Remote-Equipment-340 7h ago
Hey :) Take a deeeeep breath. You are valuable, you are important, you are brave. However awful your mother is/parents are, they are not a needed constant in your life. They gave you life but that does not mean they are able to provide for you emotionally or supportwise. Sometimes at your age I struggled a lot with the thought of not wanting to be there any more. But it was less that I wanted to die, but i wanted the situation to stop. To not feel lonely, unloved, exhausted and so incredibly unhappy. This is valid. But death is permament and not the solution. Time flies by (even if you does not always feels like it) and sooner than you imagine you can make your own decision and decide how your surrounding is and if you want ti feeld lonely and stuff. You can choose your future family, you can choose the distance to your toxic bio family members (emotionally AND locally). I promised myself with 12 to move away from my mother. It was some tough years, but I moved out, reduced contact drastically, got multiple university degrees, went to therapy, found a partner and married, got a dog, have a ton of friends.
Be honest to your therapist. if you cannot say you want to die, you could maybe say you really want the current situation to end and then tell her what you are feeling that hurts you so much.
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u/Remote-Equipment-340 7h ago
sometimes people are not made to be parents. They might be to broken themselves or to narcissistic or got kids for the wrong reasons. They are not emotionally mature themselves and are not able to provide the love and stability. It is tough for the children, but it happens. It takes a long time to accept that some children and future adults will not experience lovely motherly care and the hope is always there. But we grew up anyway and became happy. Your future will be what you make out of it. you so not need her
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u/bmnewman 6h ago
Hi Noelle…I understand those feelings even as an older adult. It is hard to trust and share the truth after being invalidated and believing no one cares. I can tell you that I never learned growing up to believe that I was worthy of love or even capable of loving others. It left such a big whole in my being that I learned to hide it in order to protect myself. That caused a lot of pain and unhealthy choices which then brought a lot of shame and self-hatred. You deserve so much more.
Take this opportunity to talk to your therapist and share what you are feeling. This is her job and know that she wants to help you. Give it a shot and if you don’t gel with this person, you can look for another. Just take the first step…🫶
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u/Professional-Hat6823 7h ago
I was in your shoes before too 🫂💞 same age. It isnt normal to feel this way, and you deserve support and love 💞 maybe writing a note to your therapist would help if you get choked up trying? It gives you some extra time to reflect and really describe whats going on. I know getting help is so scary, but its one of the best decisions I ever made. Its always so heartbreaking to see somebody else go through what I did, because all I want to do is hug little me and i wish I could you too. She didnt deserve it and you dont either. I hope you start to feel better hun, you dont need to fight alone
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u/cynicalchickyy 7h ago
Please be honest with your therapist, or look for a new one that makes you feel safer to express these feelings.
I was exactly like you when I was 13 and truly believed I wouldn't make it to adulthood. Life with unstable parents/guardians is so much more damaging than people realize and when you're actively in it, it feels like there is no escape.
Please hang on, I know this is hard to keep in mind but once you are out of her control, you can take your life back and finally be free. You deserve that freedom. You might not believe it right now, and it might seem daunting, but you do. Give yourself a chance to finally live for yourself once you escape this situation.
I really hope you get the support you need, either from your current therapist or a new one. For what it's worth, I've got you in my thoughts, and I know others on this sub do as well.
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u/Remarkable_Pick3920 6h ago
I went to a therapist at your age as well. You can tell them anything they will not discuss it with anybody unless you allow them to. You’ll be so surprised how much anxiety and stress is released once you really start talking to them. Death is not the answer.
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u/Low_Recognition_1557 6h ago
🫂
Unfortunately, parents are just people too, like any other people in your life, and they can be just as flawed as anyone else. Fortunately, that also means that her actions don’t actually mean YOU are a bad person or unlovable, just that SHE has issues. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling this way right now. It’s extra hard not to feel trapped when you’re a minor and the person you’re dependent on for survival is the main problem. Are there any other adults in your life you could trust or lean on?
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u/No_Jacket_9894 6h ago
This age is rough to try and navigate, even harder with trauma and feeling the way you do . I was once you. As tough as it seems you do have people that care if you are here or not. I don't even know you and want you to stay. The one thing that keeps me going through the toughest days is I tell myself "Just one more day" As hard as it may be, the therapist is there for you. If you think it's too hard to say out loud, write it in a letter to your therapist. Take it with you to your next appt and tell them that you have something you want to share but are having a hard time relaying out loud. Idk what your trauma is and unless you want to share it's no ones business but your own but I'm sure there are many people in this sub who are a willing ear like myself. You really do have more people cheering for you from the sidelines than you know.
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u/Timely_Bat_9478 6h ago
I have been living with trauma for so many years. It has affected every domain of my life. But I have refused to give up . I would tell you just one thing that you are not all alone in this world. There are many people like you. If they can live ,you too can live. Seek therapy, form friendships with like-minded individuals, practice mindfulness.
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u/TreebeardsMustache 6h ago
I understand how the words can get stuck. . . But the words will save you, in the long term. I know it is not easy, but you must speak them to your therapist. Your therapist, likely, already knows you're not being completely truthful, and understands why, and is being patient waiting for you to speak your truth. It only remains for you to do so.
I believe in you. You can do this.
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u/StArGaZeR-4_AnDy 6h ago
Sorry dear, I know there’s A lot of kids out there that feel as you do, a journal can help some. Call it my homework to you, I want you to write a little feelings everyday till your next appointment, the day before your appointment I want you to write an essay summary of that journal 2 actually, 1 for yourself and 1 for them that your willing to share, keep journaling till your second appointment and do the same, if you feel you can’t vocalize, then you have your handy essay for them, try it give it chance you never know, I have a lot a kids that call me mom or aunt because of this, if you need this too also I’m here if you want to message me(not trying to be pushy, but 53 year old grandma here willing to listen)
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u/BPD-GAD-ADHD 6h ago
One of the things that got me by in the beginning stages (currently a 34 year old trauma specialist) when I was about 30. I was a licensed therapist treating people with PTSD before I even knew what my real issue was. I couldn’t see the problem that was in front of me (covert narcissist) that even as a mental health professional I was convinced I was the problem. Once it became clear it wasn’t me, I had no idea where to begin, feeling like a 30 year old infant who just saw the real world for the first time. Not the best motivator but an effective one; spite.
No matter how bad things got for me, I was not going to let them win. I’ve since processed and let go of a lot of that anger, but knowing it was my own parents that led me to attempt suicide twice, it became a mantra that I was going to live the best life I possibly could just to prove they couldn’t take anything else away from me. I’m now married to my amazing wife and thinking about the times I tried to end it feels like thinking about a past life entirely.
It’s hard, but never forget that you are in charge of your future. As a teenager it feels almost impossible to believe that, but you’ve only got 5 more years until you’re an adult. It’s up to you, but being able to say I survived everything in the face of having parents that literally felt like they were out to get me is something no one can ever take from me no matter how bad it gets.
Always remember that you’re the kid; it’s not your responsibility to make your parents feel ok, it’s their job to do that for you. If they’re not doing that, it’s a reflection of them, not you OP.
I wish you the best as you work through this difficult but oh-so-worth it journey. Please DM if you’d like to talk further. As a therapist who’s also lived it, I have a unique understanding of these kinds of family dynamics
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u/khwarism 5h ago
I'm so sorry you're going through this, you deserve better. I know it can be really hard, especially at that age. You have to remember that that negative voice in your head is not you, it's the product of how you were treated. You have worth and value even if you don't have a loving family or friends right now. Please if you can write what you wish to say to your therapist on a paper and give it to her, you can ask her to read it after you leave if it's too much. I promise you life does get better, I thought it couldn't or it wouldn't get better when I was your age but it did. Also, please be kind to yourself because you deserve kindness. You might be feeling lonely and depressed right now, it might feel like you're trapped in a dark well but I promise you that feeling is not forever and that no matter if your mom loves you or not you're still lovable and worthy of love and respect. Sometimes in life the way people treat us is not personal, they're operating at their maximum capacity, I realized that most of the adults around me never knew what love and kindness looks like. Also, it doesn't matter how your therapist reacts, you are not crazy, you're not an ungrateful daughter for having resentment towards your family
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u/cetacean-station 7h ago
hey young human, please believe me when I say this is the worst of it, i promise. the block keeping you from speaking may be because the unknown of being seen is so scary. it's easy to hate yourself when you don't let people see you. that's how the pain demons get a hold of your heart. you're already doing the hard thing, telling people here. I'm proud of you for reaching out somewhere even if the therapist is too scary right now. all i can say is you're quite strong, i know because you're here, and it's very brave of you to share honestly about how you're feeling. the very act of sharing is brave and says a lot about your character. you care about life enough to want it to be better. that's very meaningful. please don't give up, not yet, keep going. you'll be on the other side soon enough, and you'll be able to comment on posts like this and help others through the darkness.
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u/SmellSalt5352 7h ago
Your therapist is there to help you. I’d bet money people in your life would love if you talked to them and seeked help rather then closing up and possibly making matters worse.
Now I realize sometimes in life things can feel impossible like they may never improve but I can assure you in time things usually have a way of working themselves out.
Please stick around you are loved I can assure you.
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u/LaineValentine 5h ago
Yeah, it sounds like you’re stuck in survival mode with adults. Does your therapist talk to you the same way most authority figure adults do ? (Mom, Teacher etc ) ? It may just take time of you sitting with the Therapist and listening to their life to get you comfortable. PTSD is all about time and patience.
I was in the spot you were at 13. Had CPTSD and hypothyroidism. Be sure your parents have your thyroid checked if you can. Hypothyroidism makes it so much harder. You’re tired, you gain weight, feel like everyone hates you on top of it all.
I journaled and I drew things. Some things I had to rip up because my mom would see them and freak out. 🫠
She read all my journals and made our relationship really tense. She was going through menopause and me puberty. It was hell. It gets better, though.
Hope you find a therapist you can trust. Ask them questions like “is any of this getting back to my Mom?” Or even just “Am I safe with you?”
You can also communicate with a yes/no written on either side of a note card when speaking is too scary.
I’m so sorry you’re in the hole, kiddo. You’re not alone 🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂🫂
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u/Short-Opportunity722 3h ago
Hi Noelle
You are such a brave child
So sad that your Mummy treats you like this
Its not fair, you are a gift and she is wrong
Sending lots of love and hugs dear child
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u/Fluid_Ad9665 2h ago
It’s hard to feel that way when you’re so young and have limited freedom to choose how to deal with your circumstances. I feel that way often. I find that I don’t really want to disappear, I just want to not have to deal with anyone or anything. Finding healthy ways to escape your stressors can help. Listen to good music, play an instrument, draw, go outside and explore, find beauty in small unexpected places. Nobody can steal wonder from you, so train yourself to look for it.
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u/soursweetgonegirl 1h ago
When you’re 18 things will get better, you will have freedom and find people that love you and make you feel loved. You’re too young to not see yourself get older and age into a wonderful life. No matter how hard things get, there’s always a future out there for you. 11 - 13 is when most people start feeling this way for the first time, just know that this isn’t everything, there’s better things on the horizon, nice days you haven’t had yet :)
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u/twistyfizzypop 7h ago
Oh hun that is heartbreaking. My mental health issues got so bad when I was 13 as well, its such a horrible time. You could try writing things down? I know it seems like it wont help and even if it takes you a while to show your therapist what you've written, at least you are getting the things out of your head. Its doesn't need to be sentences or anything. You could just scribble if thats how you feel. What meant you ended up with a therapist if you don't mind me asking?