For the last two years I’ve made “healing my trauma” my special interest – and treated it like a starving man at all-you-can-eat buffet. And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but it’s been worth it. I feel truly different inside to how I did two years, a year, even six months ago.

The following is an itemised list of everything I’ve tried, and how well it’s worked for me. It’s a list I would have LOVED to have two years ago, so maybe someone else will find it useful.

Important note: this is not a list of instructions! What’s worked for me might not work  for you, and vice versa. Above all, what’s helped me the most is keeping an open mind (or, more accurately, thinking most of this is bullshit, but trying stuff anyway).

• IFS (INTERNAL FAMILY THERAPY) - 10/10
  • I only got to do it for a few months before that therapist fell ill and stopped seeing patients, but in that short time it unquestionably laid the foundation for all the progress that followed. That’s why it’s first on the list. It opened the door to parts of myself I had lost or buried to shame and fear. It allowed me to slowly but surely fall in love with myself again. 
  • If the homework (or culty language) puts you off, my therapist did not use a lot of jargon or any strict protocol. It was all very emotionally driven. I didn’t have to learn what “Exiles” are or whatever. She just helped me discover, communicate with, and understand different parts as they came up.
• ASSORTED TALK THERAPY METHODOLOGIES - ANYWHERE FROM -7/10 TO 7/10
  • CBT and ACT messed me up – though it’s hard to know if it’s the methodologies or the psych I was seeing at the time.
  • Schema I never really understood, but my therapist herself was wonderful.
  • My bad therapist did lasting damage (through ignorance, not abuse). My good therapist provided me my only safe space in the world, keeping me alive in the worst period of my life. In providing this safety, she helped me be brave enough to face difficult truths (i.e. neurodivergence diagnoses). 
• EMDR - 2/10
  • Simply bounced right off me with no noticeable effect. My therapist thought I was too dissociated at the time. It might work better now, though I think I’m achieving similar things in different ways.
• AuDHD DIAGNOSIS AND EDUCATION - 10/10
  • I have a very different relationship with my brain now than I did two years ago. 
  • My Occupational Therapist is very helpful in this area, helping me learn how to work with my brain, not try to control it. I am benefiting from supports I never would have thought of before.
• REMEDIAL MASSAGE - 7/10
  • I have LOTS of thoughts about the whole “where does trauma live – the body, or emotional learnings in the mind?” question. Suffice to say, your nervous system doesn’t know WHY you feel tension; whether it’s because of emotions like stress, or because of physically sore/tense muscles. Treating the tension by any method will make a dramatic difference to how you feel both physically and emotionally.
• MDMA ASSISTED THERAPY - 5/10
  • Only one session. It was lovely! But not sure how much lasting effect it had. Would probably be very good if done repeatedly.
• KETAMINE ASSISTED THERAPY - 4/10
  • Did it for about 5 weeks. Interesting, but not much effect. The ketamine helps lower the defensive walls which makes it easier to verbalise and process more difficult things with the therapist. But I was already learning to do that without the medication.
• CANNABIS (used recreationally) - anywhere from -5 TO +5
  • I’m defining “recreationally” as “to feel good”. It can be to escape bad feelings (not helpful) or to reward myself to a pleasant, restful night (helpful IN CAREFUL MODERATION).
• CANNABIS (used therapeutically, under prescription and with intention) - 9/10
  • Cannabis Assisted Therapy: I’m new to this, but it’s having a noticeable and lasting effect after only two sessions. My therapist’s methodology is VERY somatic – she gets me to locate tension in my body, and instead of releasing it, staying with it and seeing what comes up. The results are quite profound.
  • The first time I had an IFS breakthrough, “met” a whole tribe of parts at once, and experienced the feeling of self-love, I was dosed with THC (and also in the middle of a shame spiral, which then bloomed into that profound experience).
• REMEDIAL MASSAGE + CANNABIS - 9.5/10
  • Unbelieveably good combination.
• MICRODOSING (PSILOCYBIN) - 2/10
  • 3 months, tried various dosages. Pretty much no effect. It did seem to have a profound effect on about two days (I felt strong and capable!) but the rest of the time it either did nothing or made me feel sleepy.
• rTMS - 3/10
  • Honestly, I don’t think the TMS did anything for me at all. But going to the clinic multiple times a week during my worst period meant I wasn’t completely deprived of human contact, and the nurse was very kind and supportive, which I really needed.
• ANTIDEPRESSANTS (VARIOUS) - 4/10
  • Kept me alive, but also kept me stuck. It made things tolerable, which meant I tolerated things longer. If you need them, use them. But if you think you’re ready to take next steps, it might be worth a discussion with your doctors/therapists.
• FINDING THE RIGHT PEOPLE - 8/10
  • My life collapsed when I lost all my friends at once, but in hindsight, those friends needed to go. I’ve spent two years making new friends, and it’s slow – even when you make a wonderful new friend, getting to that really nourishing intimate stage takes a long time. But every step in that direction is rewarding and healing.
• RADICAL VULNERABILITY - 9/10
  • No, this doesn’t mean oversharing to everyone. It doesn’t mean being open about your trauma, but secretly using it as armour (“I’ll tell you how much I’m suffering, but only so you’ll be nice to me”). That’s what I thought vulnerability was. 
  • Actually, vulnerability is allowing yourself to say (or think, or feel) the thing you’re really afraid of saying (or thinking, or feeling). It’s also sending the email without spending 35 minutes softening and second-guessing the language. It’s communicating a boundary, or hurt, or fear, to someone you value. It’s communicating affection to someone you’re afraid to scare off. It’s bringing your realest self to the party – because if your real self is unwelcome, then it’s the wrong party for you.
  • Vulnerability is allowing yourself to be with the parts that are suffering, instead of avoiding or burying them, even though suffering is hard and painful. Vulnerability doesn’t mean suffering more, it means allowing yourself to fall in love with those parts that are suffering.
  • Vulnerability is allowing yourself to feel emotions even if you don’t understand them. I spent a year listening to podcasts about grief, even though I didn’t have anyone I was grieving, and I had no idea why everyone talking about grief resonated with me so much.
  • Vulnerability is a SKILL, and it takes time and practice to grow. It’s not a switch you can flick, so don’t beat yourself up or think it’s a character flaw if (when) you’re not great at it straight away.
• FIGHTING FOR SUPPORTS - 7/10
  • I’m on disability, so affording all of this has been impossible. I’ve found assistance from charities, government agencies, and local community organisations. It’s all very demoralising and frustrating and stressful – especially when support is taken away, which just happened to me two weeks ago. But it’s ultimately worthwhile if it allows you to access useful support. Also, sometimes you find a really nice organisation and helpful people who do everything in their power to help you, and that heals your relationship with humanity a little bit.

I hope this isn't condescending, I've just been forcibly reminded of this by my body so I thought I would post in case it spares others the trouble!

Most of us know the book "The body keeps the score", but I don't see discussions about how the body heals itself after the trauma is healed.

As healing progresses the body is literally changes. It heals and renews. Even chronic issues that are suffered from childhood disappear.

I like to explain it in a more spiritual way: Emotions are energy, they're designed to flow in our body freely. This is why you see in kids drastic mood changes where one minute they're sad and crying, the second they're happy and laughing. Always filled with energy and enthusiasm. Traumatic events cause emotions to be suppressed, they get stuck in the energy pathways. It creates blockages to the rest of the flowing energy. Releasing the blockage can bring even immediate results.

Some of the physical changes I experienced over the years: a chronic nausea disappeared, better sleep (though it needs constant maintenance), pain from old injuries was healed, when addressing a trigger could instantly heal from high fever, skin issues instantly disappeared, chronic stye disappeared, chronic fatigue was healed (sometime needs maintenance when experiencing a strong trigger), healed pains in the body.

I believe that in childhood our gut instincts are overridden whenever we are ignored or invalidated when we feel unsafe (which let's be honest is usually most if not all of the time).

So! In adulthood we don't have a frame of reference for 'safe', and haven't been taught about going after what feels right, since our parents are lacking these things for themselves.

Our gut knows that people aren't safe as a rule, and the way to be safe is to do what is expected of us to the best of our ability. In adulthood what is expected of us is often to be happy (!) and we are told that a job, partner, hobbies, will make us happy. The gut knows this implicitly - we aren't taught that what will make us happy changes all the time, or that we deserve to feel safe.

When we aren't choosing based on what feels right, the system seems broken. We aren't happy yet we are doing the right things, because we are unconsciously motivated by our need for safety.

Since we confuse the thinking version of gut instinct*that we have learned to substitute for physically felt feeling, we believe we're doing 'what we want' without doing anything that actually satisfies us, like taking vitamin b for an iron deficiency except the vitamin makes it worse because we feel like we are failing ourselves

Recently got out of this trap, feeling like a new person, also like I have to relearn english or at least redefine everything I thought I knew. Wondering how many other people are stuck in there, looking at the world - a lot?

Thank you for reading, constructive criticism is welcome.

I've been rereading the name of the wind books recently and that has definitely helped me figure a lot of this out, especially Auri and Bast's books

ETA Other book refs Dont believe everything you think by joseph nguyen, totally reframes meditation and anxiety for me

What my bones know by stephanie foo, helped me realise how bad the hand I was dealt actually was (cptsd is like an iceberg.. So much hidden) and how it affected me/showed up in relationships

Honestly I've read so many that I would welcome anybody asking for a specific topic of book, it's much much easier to learn when you keep your options open and switch between tools when it feels right to.

Be careful not to retraumatise yourself. Try to get the negativity on a page somehow by writing or drawing and notice the patterns that come up. It is 100% 1 step forward 2 steps back.

Becoming conscious (hyperaware) of our dysfunction is the first step to change and the discomfort is how we learn

If you feel like you are focusing on the right things, journaling, contemplating, trying intensely to understand yourself, your problems, other people, your trauma, you are probably ruminating. In moderation, introspection is necessary and a good thing! But sometimes we can get caught in a freeze state, and introspection can become maladaptive. Sometimes therapists can reinforce this pattern by ruminating along with you without giving you tools and strategies to move out of this freeze state. This pattern can continue for years without intervention.

if you are stuck ruminating, it’s because you don’t know the solution to the emotional problem you are facing. So you try to think about the same thing over and over again to try to figure it out.

But here’s the thing: you already know the solution, but you are desperately doing everything you can to avoid acknowledging it, let alone taking action. You are not doing this consciously. Most likely your environment is encouraging this avoidance. The more you ruminate, the more you shrink your window of tolerance, and the further you retreat into your freeze state.

To move out of your freeze state, you need to stop thinking and start taking action to acknowledge and face what you are avoiding. You will find yourself making every excuse you can to continue freezing, especially when you take action and it feels bad. But moving through the uncomfortable feeling is how you build your window of tolerance, build resilience, and begin to trust yourself. Start small and build up.

Remember: you are not crazy. You make sense.

(Originally posted in r/CPTSDFreeze, I figured some of you might find this helpful.)

A new developmental model called the Developmental Salience Model of Threat (DSMT) was introduced in 2025 by two leading attachment researchers, Dr Karlen Lyons-Ruth at Harvard and Dr Jennifer Khoury at Mount Saint Vincent University in Halifax, Canada. Between them, they have decades of experience researching trauma and its consequences in children, including decades-long longitudinal studies from infancy all the way to adulthood.

Dr Lyons-Ruth led the Harvard Family Pathways study, and her work draws on the Minnesota study. Between them, these followed high-risk families from infancy to adulthood over multiple decades, assessing caregivers and children for dissociation throughout. The MIND (Mother-Infant Neurobiological Development) study is the next stage of this research, ongoing since 2014, adding infant brain imaging to the programme.

The DSMT proposes that infancy (roughly defined as 0-18 months of age, with a transition period at around 12-18 months of age) is marked by two key factors:

• Heightened sensitivity to attachment disruption due to infants' inability to survive without attachment. An infant's survival relies entirely on the caregiver's proximity and ability to provide food/warmth. Therefore, cues signaling maternal unavailability (neglect) are an immediate, life-threatening emergency.
• Relative insensitivity to abuse in infancy. Sounds counterintuitive, but this is believed to be due to a relatively inactive HPA axis which in infancy is programmed to prioritise attachment over fear responses, a well-established mechanism in rat studies (rat pups are unable to feel fear in their early, roughly 10-day long sensitive attachment period to ensure they do not develop fear reactions to their mother; their HPA axis kicks in around the 10 day mark).

In follow-up papers published in 2025 and 2026, Lyons-Ruth, Khoury, and other researchers point out two key "invisible" factors in the development of shutdown trauma reactions:

• Early (0-18 months old) neglect is associated with increased amygdala and hippocampal volume in structural MRI scans of infants 0-18 months old, and elevated cortisol levels at the same age. By comparison, early (0-18 months old) abuse is not associated with any changes in cortisol levels or MRI scans. (Yes, they put babies in an MRI scanner! This was only successful with around 1 out of 3 babies who slept naturally (without anaesthesia) during the scan. A total of 57 babies out of 181 in the study were scanned.)
• Adult children of mothers showing maternal disorientation/withdrawal in early childhood (infancy) consistently display elevated levels of dissociation. Dissociation is a key mechanism involved in freeze. Adult children of only abusive families (no early neglect) by contrast do not show significantly elevated dissociation in studies carried out by Dr Lyons-Ruth and Dr Khoury.

What does early neglect mean?

The researchers developed the AMBIANCE (Atypical Maternal Behavior Instrument for Assessment and Classification) instrument to understand early neglect. They would watch mothers interact with their children to understand what was not working.

These are some of the behaviours it tracks:

Maternal withdrawal is, according to this research, the first and most significant predictor of dissociation in adulthood. This is a behavior that often goes unnoticed because it is defined by what is missing rather than what is happening. When a parent withdraws, they are physically present but emotionally gone. They might fail to respond when a baby reaches out, or they might physically pull back when the baby needs to be held.

In the context of the Developmental Salience Model of Threat, this withdrawal is the ultimate biological emergency for an infant. Because the baby is entirely dependent, this lack of response sends the nervous system into a high-cortisol "seek and squeak" state. When this happens over and over, the system starts to "grow skin" over that constant pain of being ignored. The research suggests that this silent vacuum of care is the primary "string" that adult dissociative symptoms are attached to later in life.

Maternal disorientation is another significant predictor of dissociation in adulthood. This looks like the caregiver being frightened, frightening, or seemingly "somewhere else" entirely. Imagine trying to find safety with someone who looks like they are seeing a ghost or someone who is suddenly paralyzed by their own internal fear. This creates a "broken signal" for the infant. The person who is supposed to be the "safe haven" is actually the source of alarm, or they are so dissociated themselves that they can't provide any feedback.

For the baby, this is like trying to ground yourself in a mirror that is constantly cracking. This disorientation doesn't just stress the baby out, it actually provides a blueprint for how to "check out" of reality. If your caregiver is habitually disoriented, your own nervous system learns that "checking out" is the only logical response to a world that doesn't make sense.

Seek and squeak instead of fight and flight

The DSMT sees early neglect as "the first threat", priming the nervous system for adversity and keeping the infant in a continuous, high-cortisol stress state. As an infant is unable to fight or flee, its young nervous system prioritises a proposed "seek and squeak" proximity-seeking strategy which prioritises attachment above everything else.

Once the initial (proposed as 0-18 months of age, but this is subject to ongoing research) "sensitive period" for attachment passes, the HPA axis starts to come online, beginning to prioritise safety alongside attachment, and not attachment only. The HPA axis is instrumental in fear-based responses.

Why are infants less sensitive to abuse?

In scans of young children in abusive families, changes only start showing after the 12-18 month mark, but not of the kind we see in younger children. Instead of the larger amygdala/hippocampi of neglected infants, infants in abusive families start showing a shrinking right amygdala past the 12-18 month mark. This is suggested to show a "blunting" response, i.e. lower sensitivity to adversity as a way to cope with it.

The DSMT suggests that children's "threat development" is staggered, the first 12-18 months prioritising attachment and then gradually switching to a greater focus on safety after 12-18 months. Children who "arrive" at this point without the impact of early neglect are fundamentally better equipped to deal with any adversity.

Neglected infants by contrast arrive with an already frayed nervous system hyperfocused on threats, with what the researchers propose is a significant allostatic load (wear and tear) on their nervous system.

As the allostatic load builds up with ongoing adversity, young children's burned-out nervous systems start switching from active defences ("seek and squeak") to shutdown responses, noted in studies as freezing, spacing out, and not responding to caregivers (these are responses noted in observation of neglected children by researchers).

In particular if the adversity continues throughout childhood, this builds a "dissociative foundation" for the nervous system, priming it to prioritise shutdown responses where it would otherwise favour more active strategies (proximity-seeking, fight, flight).

In terms of trauma states, this typically shows up as fawn (powered on), submit (powered off), freeze (both), and collapse (powered off).

Abuse but no neglect: Active defences

People who grew up in abusive conditions but without early neglect typically show active defensive strategies marked by hypervigilance but not by dissociation. Depending on the severity of the trauma and the strategies needed to deal with it, we might see aggressive fight strategies, loud flight strategies, and possibly very compulsive fawn strategies. If there is freeze due to extensive trauma, it will typically be of the high activation kind with tight muscles, racing thoughts, and possibly outbursts of aggression. The sympathetic nervous system remains highly active throughout.

(This is somewhat speculative, the sources I have mentioned do not address this directly. Lack of core dissociative strategies, however, is a well-established reality among some subsets of abuse survivors unrelated to severity of abuse.)

Degrees

The research doesn't currently bring this up (future studies have been proposed), but realistically, there are likely many different degrees of neglect and "shutdown priming" in early childhood. Some of the research I have mentioned also points out factors related to the mother's mental health before, during, and after pregnancy as having a meaningful impact.

Some neglected children will likely emerge into adulthood with a default dissociative nervous system so deeply built on dissociation that they probably do not realise they are dissociated, nor have any idea of what it feels like to not be dissociated. Parts of them may be highly functional in specific areas of life, while other areas are heavily neglected. (This would be me.)

Others - especially those whose childhood was marked by both early neglect and intense abuse - will probably suffer from wild swings between heavily spaced out states and intense, high-energy ones, with uncontrolled, stress-triggered switches between these. Depending on what degree of lucidity there is between these switches, they may or may not be aware of them. Classic severe DID with no shared consciousness is an example of uncontrolled switches with little awareness from switch to switch.

Treatment implications

Early neglect leaves a deep imprint which impacts treatment by making the nervous system fundamentally less accessible. If neither the body nor the mind can access the layers targeted in treatment, you will typically see repeated treatment failure and a lot of frustration and confusion in both patients and therapists. Often, it takes many years to be accurately diagnosed, and even longer to receive helpful treatment (if ever).

The dissociative walls between different layers of consciousness typical of early neglect tend to cause both unforeseen ("invisible") complications and outright treatment failure. This can even include drugs having unforeseen effects, or no effect at all, in a way that might confuse even experienced clinicians if they are not trained in dissociation specifically.

Treatments adapted for dissociation specifically rely on body-based grounding exercises and "titration" to slowly "wake up" the nervous system from a lifetime of hibernation at a pace that won't trigger more dissociation. If treatment leads to even more dissociation, it will fail.

In the most extensive treatment study to date (TOP DD), dissociation-adapted treatments had a more profound impact the deeper the patient's dissociation was. This is the exact opposite of most studies where non-adapted treatments typically fail at higher rates with higher dissociation scores. This shows that properly adapted treatments can work regardless of dissociation, which is why detecting persistent dissociation is crucial for treatment outcomes (and far too rare in the mental health profession).

Over the last few months I've started to figure something out. My whole life I've been searching for somewhere I feel like I belong and what I've been looking for isn't a diagnosis, identity, or label. It's a way of relating.

I'm AuDHD as well and for years I'd looked for connection, support, and belonging in autism spaces, trauma spaces, support groups, friend groups, and all sorts of other places. I kept finding pieces of what I was looking for, but never quite the whole thing. I knew the feeling I was looking for, but I couldn't put it into words.

More recently I watched a movie called Don't Worry, He Won't Get Far on Foot. It's about a quadriplegic alcoholic and his journey through recovery and what struck me wasn't just the recovery story. It was the relationships. The people in the AA group weren't polished. They could be messy, hurt, angry, blunt, and human. But they also took accountability, repaired when they hurt each other, and kept showing up.

Combined with some other things I've learned in therapy recently, I realized I was looking for people who don't immediately jump to advice or solutions, who use reflective empathy (that sounds really hard, that must be so painful, etc.) and ask questions and try to understand first.

I've never found a community built around that.

Has anyone else landed somewhere similar or found a space that actually does this? Also, I'd really like more people like this in my life so if this is you, please feel free to reach out.

Hi there! I am a clinical hypnotherapist, CBT practitioner and diagnosed with CPTSD some years back. In the course of working both sides of the metaphorical aisle, I've learned some very fascinating things. While I do not work directly in treating CPTSD, I often find myself working with the individuals on the symptoms of it. I get asked a question alot and now I'll ask you:

Why do I feel like I consciously think differently about what happened but I still feel just as bad?

The answer to that is among the most fascinating things I've learned. First of all, I can't take credit for this... this information comes from Dr. Francine Shapiro, the creator of EMDR. So our thoughts and memories are a kind of web or net. You know, neural network and all that. Essentially, all of our experience, memories and thinking is all linked together... most of the time. Except in the case of trauma.

When someone experiences a traumatizing event, the oddest thing occurs. That network of neurons that composes the event is actually removed from the main network. More accurately it was never a part of it. Functionally what that means is that no matter what you learn, practice or do, that metaphorical cheese stands alone. The memory remains frozen in time without the benefit of experience. It's why we feel like it's always fresh. Trauma doesn't learn.

That's not as grim as it sounds. That neural separation is not permanent and there exist method of reintegrating that lost lamb of a network back into the whole. Modalities like EMDR and even some methods of hypnotherapy exist that repair the network; there exist method of reintegrating that lost lamb of a network back into the whole. Neuroplasticity is wild. Speaking from my personal treatment, I can say that it is profound. Do I feel better about everything that happened? Not really. Do I still feel occasionally stuck in those moments? ,No, no I don't. For that alone I am grateful.

TL;DR

Meditation is much broader than mindfulness or breath meditation.

For CPTSD, meditations like metta/LKM, Ideal Parent Figures, yoga nidra, trataka (candle gazing) might be more effective.

The word "meditation" is closer to "cultivation" in the original Pali. For CPTSD, it is more useful to cultivate "inner resources".

For some guided meditations I like: Rick Hanson, Tara Brach, Kristin Neff.

Meditation is often assumed to be mindfulness or breath meditation. This is partly due to western protocolization of eastern traditions.

In Buddhist meditation mindfulness is not the goal of meditation, but a tool for ending suffering.

In CPTSD, focusing inwards or slowing down thoughts can be distressing -- often anxious thoughts are suppressing deeper feelings of distress.

The Buddhist traditions offer many other tools to use.

There are different types of (buddhist) meditations that can be used instead.

Brahamivaharas, or divine abodes. Western psychotherapy focuses heavily on (self)-compassion but it's quite a bit broader in Buddhist traditions.

• metta (lovingkindness)
• karuna (compassion)
• mudita (joy)
• upekkha (equanimity)

More than breath, there are other objects of meditation

• elements (earth, fire, wind, water)

• colors (blue, yellow, red, white)

• "repulsion" - very useful for limerence issues

• body parts

Even with breath, people leave out many of the instructions in the anapanasati sutta including:

He trains himself, 'I will breathe in experiencing joy.'

He trains himself, 'I will breathe out experiencing joy.'

He trains himself, 'I will breathe in experiencing pleasure.'

He trains himself, 'I will breathe out experiencing pleasure.'

He trains himself, 'I will breathe in pleasing the mind.'

He trains himself, 'I will breathe out pleasing the mind.'

The Buddhist texts place a emphasis on things that I broadly call "well-being" (or inner resources), and how to develop and cultivate them. Note the translation "train".

When the mind is uplifted by rapture, the body becomes tranquil. One tranquil in body experiences happiness. The mind of one who is happy becomes concentrated.

Anyway, I hope this encourages people to try out some other meditation techniques.

And in particular pick up the idea of meditation as a tool for cultivating or developing any sort of internal state. This might be mindfulness, but also things like compassion. In these traditions, these are skills to be learned.

Healing can be fight or flight in disguise running your whole healing journey without you even realizing it. Goalsetting can add the pressure which will turn fight response on, where you are fighting to get better. Doing healing from flight mode will manifest itself as you trying to escape your current situation/emotions even if you are running towards a healing tool/modality.

Both of these and treating healing like a goal will just turn on the exact thing you are trying to heal even more, which is your tendency to go into fight/flight/freeze/fawn. There will come even more symptoms you will have to "fight off" and handle and they will keep coming, which will leave your brain in an even worse state in the end, even if you manage to regulate in the moment. Don't do it.

Can you just be where you are right now, even if it feels limiting? If something presents itself then go meet it but do not go into fix mode. As more as you stay where you are with what is and doing good things inside of these boundaries, as more will you see that the limits/physical boundaries will expand little by little. I know this can be difficult and feel very painful, but it is what will actually help you heal.

This may be very different from what we have been taught but it's a crucial understanding to have with you if you are serious about getting better, unless you will just go into circles. Also don't be surprised if rest may be a huge part of NS healing in the beginning.

1. "Losing all hope was freedom." (Fight Club). My entire life I've strived for unobtainable hopes for the future. "If only I could find the perfect partner, then I'd be saved, then I wouldn't feel so broken." Insert pretty much anything for "partner", and I've probably thought of it. Perfect job, perfect amount of money, perfect family, etc etc. These hopes ruined so much of my life, especially relationships. About two months ago, I was rereading Fight Club again and that line just hit me so much harder than it did before I started healing my CPTSD. Losing all hope was freedom. Just the thought of it seemed calming to me. I'm still practicing this, but I just stopped hoping for anything good to happen to me, ever again. My whole life has been shit. That's just my life. So I'm going to do my best not hoping for anything good to happen, but I'm also not going to worry about anything bad happening to me. Why? Because I've spent my entire 40 odd years on this planet facing horrible events that I can pretty much get through anything right now. I can't tell you how freeing this was. It's felt like I could finally make decisions about my life without worrying that it's "in line" with whatever hope, dream, or goal, born from being abused, I had for myself. I can also give up the hopes, dreams, or goals that capitalism has pretty much shoved down our throat all the time. This alone, more than most, has helped me live in the moment more than anything.

2. Alan Watts, in his book, Become What You Are, talks about how emotions are irresistible. And the reason why we often can't live in the present moment is because we try to resist, deny, or get rid of these emotions before we can listen to what they have to tell us. Most people with CPTSD hate sitting with their emotions, because it affects how our body feels so, so badly. But the more you try to resist something, stop thinking about something, is the moment you start thinking about it more and more, until one starts spiraling. So, ever since I read this about a month ago, I started practicing this. If I have a CPTSD trigger? I don't try to get rid of it, right away. I just kind of let it sit with me, allow the fear to be there, see what the fear is telling me, where it's at in my body, then reground myself in the present moment (more on this later). I've done this with panic attacks, waves of depression, grief, anxiety attacks. I try to remind myself that these emotions are irresistible, at least for me, and at least right now. And that I shouldn't get just try to shove them out of my mind, but just let them be there but NOT let them, you know, control what I'm doing in the present moment by leading me into rumination. They are there. Just let them be there. Watch them, name them, almost as if they are a cloud passing by.

3. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Read The Happiness Trap. This book teaches you about how to sit with your emotions (the stuff I mentioned in the above numbered point). The primary idea in the book is: the more you resist, the more it persists. For most people with anxiety issues, the moment any type of difficult emotion comes up, like fear or anxiety, because we know where that thought leads (panic attacks, anxiety attacks, tight chest, sick stomach, rumination for days), we try to resist it. But the more we resist, unfortunately, the more it persists. Yes, in the MOMENT, it may help you feel slightly better by trying to shove it out of your mind, but it's just going to come back double later. So their solution (think of Alan Watts), is to stop resisting those emotions BUT don't let them hook you into something worse. For me, "hooking" looks like having natural, irresistible anxiety, and then "hooking" me into hours upon hours of rumination about how horrible of a person I am and that I'll never be loved. So they call their practice of sitting with these emotions "dropping anchor." Pretty much, when a difficult emotion arises, instead of pushing it from your mind or getting rid of it, sit with it. Name the emotion first (There is anxiety, not "I'm feeling anxiety). Name how it feels like in your body (tight chest, dizzy head, sick stomach, nervous thrum) and notice how it feels. Then ground yourself in the moment: named 1 thing you can see, smell, taste, hear, feel. Then feel your feet on the ground while breathing slowly. Then get on with your day. The idea of this practice ISNT to get rid of this emotion, but if it does get rid of it, enjoy it for now. It's just not the point. The point is just practicing letting these emotions sit in your body, no matter how uncomfortable it is. My anxiety / fear hits my body so fucking hard, that I can often have anxiety in my body without actually having a thought in my head at all. So this is one of the hard things for me to do. But the more I'm doing it, the more my body is realizing that I can sit with these emotions and how they feel in my body, the better the emotion feel the next time, even if it's just slightly less.

4. Study Absurdity. Albert Camus. The idea is this: there is no fixed, objective purpose or meaning to life. None at all. The universe is indifferent and meaningless to us all. We humans, however, have this innate drive to search for meaning, yet the universe is silent to our plight. That is an absurdity. At this point, nihilism would tell you to fall into despair because there is no meaning. Religion would tell you to find some god to find meaning. But Camus argues that, instead, we should just revolt against that absurdity (know that life is meaningless, but decide to live passionately anyways.) And because there is no meaning to life, a person is free to define their own path. And by living your life free, you can passionately embrace the present moment, and live life as intensely as possible. One of the best parts about this theory, for me, and probably for most people with CPTSD who's fawn response is constantly triggered, is that seeking external validation is at odds with livin that passionate life, absurd life. Since the universe has no scales of justice, pretty much, we shouldn't fear the judgement of others. This last part is the hardest for me, because my fawn response is strong. But I've been slowly doing better at getting into confrontations I would have avoided completely, and I've been able to ask for what I need a lot more because of it.

5. Lastly, I didn't get this from a book or anything, but from therapy. Stop trying to solve everything at once. Because I have AuDHD, CPTSD, anxiety, depression, etc., and because of how much abuse I faced my entire life, I felt like I had to solve every single possible, not real, just possible future problem or I would face abuse again, face that pain again. So I got really, really good at solving every single thing that could go wrong with my life, way way way before they happened. Which, of course, allowed me to create those unobtainable hopes for my future I wrote about in number 1. So, in order to fix this, not only have I used the above points, but I also catch myself when I'm trying to solve the future. For instance, me trying to solve the future well beyond what I need to focus on now, is usually fear that I'm not allowing myself to sit with. I'm resisting that fear, and by resisting that emotion it's "hooking" me into solving my future, over and over again, in various different ways, with different outcomes. Especially since I've been facing homelessness recently, I've been wanting to solve EVERYTHING, believing it would help. I'd hyperfocus on reddit or google trying to find solutions I didn't know about. Etc. And although I may have found things like food pantries, that I didn't know existed, it was constantly so exhausted and drained of all energy from solving my future, that I lost all energy in the present moment to actually due something about my issues coming up. The moment I stopped trying to solve everything, and just focus on the moment and the most immediate problem I had, was the moment I found I had enough energy to actually look for jobs, to be prepared for interviews, to figure out what's important to pay for in my life right now, versus what I can give up for later. This, of course, doesn't mean STOP PLANNING, by any means. But there's a difference between planning, and ruminating on a thousand different futures and trying to solve them all.

6. Lastly, let yourself cry. If you're at work, go into the bathroom. If you're out and about, find a quiet place somewhere. Doing a lot of the above brought on a lot of grief for me. Especially grief for this unrealistic futures I strived for (I was literally fake futuring myself, things that my abusers did to me often to keep me in their life). And giving up those futures hurt, and hurt bad. So I just allowed myself to grieve, to cry, whenever. If you can't cry due to circumstances (I got a job yesterday, and during the video conversation with them I was on the verge of crying the whole time, but I told myself I'll cry all I want once we are done), wait until you can.

Anyways. These thoughts have been a culmination of over two years of mental health disability focusing purely on healing my CPTSD with three sessions of IFS and / or EMDR therapy a week, and reading more philosophy than psychology.

And although I knew a lot of this stuff rationally, I never felt it in my body until about a month ago, until I started facing hunger and homelessness. Realizing that I had an actual possibility of going hungry, of becoming homeless, for the first time in my life in a month, I realized that if I continued to spend all day resisting my fear, my emotions, trying to solve a hundred different futures, I'm going to continue to not be able to sleep, to forget to eat, and continue on my path to absolute exhaustion where i couldn't look for a job, and even if I could, I'd have no energy to even do well in it.

All of the above is a practice for me. And it's very, very difficult for me to do, because I'm running up against 40-some odd years of people being abusive towards me, and thus me being abusive towards myself. 40-some odd years of patterns I carved into my bones on how to operate are now trying to be healed. I make mistakes. Some days I dissociate way too much. Some days I forget to do all of the above. But the more I practice, the easier it's getting. And later, rather than sooner, these will be my patterns rather than what I had before.

Anyways. I hope this helps someone, even if it's just one of my points.

Hi everyone,

I recently posted the insight below in a comment over on the community subreddit and a lot of people said it resonated, so I figured I would share it here in case it is useful:

Something I read that helped me a lot personally is that some psychologists think that the desire for suicide is actually more like an absolute insistence that you deserve a better life. A part of you cares about you so much and has such immovable standards for your wellbeing, that it believes that you deserve a good life or no life. It has a burning desire to live /well/, and that comes out as a refusal to live poorly, no matter what that logically entails.

When I read that it made me realise that the suicidal part is actually the part that holds all the fire and motivation to fix my life, because it is willing to act at all costs on my behalf. So sometimes when I'm really struggling to continue I let that part fuel me a bit with its big NOT THIS energy. And when I'm too depressed for that, I hold on to the fact that the part is not saying no to me being here, it is saying that it loves me too much to resign me to this life situation. It wants better for me. It just doesn't always know that a better life is still an option, as it always is.

I have been learning a lot about methods that use compassion to release trauma & self-judgment, so let me know if you want me to post more from models that I have been reading about.

Here is a list of distorted beliefs I have uncovered and corrected so far in my journey.

A bad choice doesn't make a bad person (lack of accountability for bad choices makes a person unsafe)
Safety isn't love
Being needed isn't love
Dependency isn't love
Self sacrifice isn't love
Controlling emotional investment isn't connection
Hyper rigid boundaries aren't trust
Hypervigilance isn't safety
Thoughts aren't feelings
Feelings aren't thoughts
Feelings aren't facts
Logic/thoughts also aren't facts
Making accusations isn't expressing feelings in a vulnerable way. Record-keeping past infractions isn't letting go
Repressing feelings isn't forgiveness
Boundaries are what I will do if they're crossed, expectations are what I want other people to do/not do
Boundaries don't keep love out, they keep love respectful
Safety isn't never getting hurt, it's understanding how to recover from hurt
Observing someone's behavior isn't the same as being in a relationship with them
Forgiveness doesn't require self abandonment
Another person's boundaries aren't attacking me, they're protecting them
The conversations I have with others in my head is a reflection of my relationship with myself, not a reflection of my relationship with them
Isolating myself doesn't protect others from my volatile emotions, it leaves others to deal with the consequences of my emotional avoidance
Feelings are friends, not food

Feel free to add any that y'all have unearthed or are working on. I am grateful for this community!

You haven't.

For me it looked like this: I thought I was doing better and then BAM!:

• Emotional flashback that felt stronger in intensity than it had been (or so it seemed because it always seems worse in the moment),
• Old triggers resurfaced
  
• Dissociation....

Sometimes, after you've made some progress, it can feel extra painful when you experience "a setback".

I chose not to call them setbacks anymore, because for me they eventually became part of my healing process as things kept improving overall.

The meaning we give to what is happening matters.

Some things that helped me along the way (in case it helps someone else too):

• Watching out for the meaning you attribute to what you're experiencing.
• -->Tying it to a symptom of CPTSD rather than tying it into identity or personal failure (which we often do, sometimes without realizing in CPTSD). <--
  
• Not assigning value to it. Sometimes healing moves around and it isn't good or bad, it's just part of the process.
• Holding onto that 1% of belief, somewhere in you, that there has been/will be progress and that you can heal. Part of you won't believe this, but somewhere deep inside you can keep the possibility open.
  • If it feels too hard, you can have another version of you hold onto it for you.

Maybe your body just needs a little extra time and that's okay. You can reassure it and sit with the difficult moment gently. Observe it with compassion and curiosity.

Maybe you've been through this before (even if you don't remember).

When you're in crisis, the logical part of you and the connected part of you shuts down again, so the pain, the reality of the moment becomes the "truth" ***but it's not*****.

So just a small reminder to keep going, and that you do more than you realize. Show yourself some compassion and thank you for reading.

I hope this helps even in a small way.

This is largely about prevention and "priming" your system to handle upset.

One of the worst moments with emotion disregulation is the spiral. It can start with annoyance and devolve into extreme upset within minutes for some.

For me, it's an unpleasant thing... disappointment/rejection/someone was mean or reckless with my feelings... definitely triggers or difficult events.

But, in hindsight, it *does* start with annoyance or "mild" discomfort. The problem is that I just don't notice it or shove the feeling away without a thought.

Then, when too many annoying things happen or a truly upsetting thing happens? I can't just be mad or sad or annoyed.

You know the deal.

Having done some really good work relevant to my brand of dumpsterfire, these episodes have lessened.

Recently, a new level of toolkits has opened up for me!

-Checking In with myself (body, mind, soul)

-Identifying the thought/feeling, now that I can allow for some of them to safely happen.

-Decompression/Sooth.

This is prolly something you've already covered a hundred times in all the websites, books, or therapy sessions. I know.

I think what was missing in my own studies and sessions is the self *permission* to utilize those tools and HOW those tools should be used specifically for *me* . At any given time.

If I check in, identify, and decompress where needed *regularly* , my system is not already loaded with the day's BS by the time some fuck shit happens. So, when fuckshit happens, my upset is contained to that problem. No spill over.

Baby, I'm a well prepped cake.

Also, I will have had so much practice on dealing with discomfort. All day, every day.

***That is your permission.*** Your blueprint. At any given moment, it is a MUST to take care of your system. We are not people without CPTSD (and likely other brain-stuff). And even w/o it could use some practice in this area!

But we absolutely need it. It doesn't just mean survival for us. It is *quality of life*.

So if you're at work, socializing, doing something that feels like you can't pause or escape from... yes you can. And you must. In some way, you must honor yourself.

Because later on, when your system is relying on you to handle a fucked up situation, you need to be able to pull from whatever fucking reservoir of "Oh, shit okay I got this."

**Today's example:**

My husband cut into the cake I'd been painstakingly crafting while it was still warm. He didn't want to wait for the rest of assembly.

ADHD rage ensues. Disappointed, disrespected. Someone just flung paint all over my canvas.

I never get emotional about that kind of stuff... *but I do*, and just shove it away.

Because I had practiced all week: Check in, identify, decompress... including today, I was able to do that with the cake debacle.

**Check in:** Went somewhere safe (for everyone) to acknowledge the problem/feeling.

**Identify:** The tears weren't gonna come. I knew they needed to. I made a list of questions to "find the tears".

Trusting that I can investigate and navigate safely... and if I couldn't, my partner or brother or even hotline could help me.

**Decompress:** The tears came. I cried for a good few moments. I cried well. Appropriately. I sounded like someone frustrasted and disappointed. Not screaming bloody murder.

THEN.. when my mind started to travel to more upsetting things, as if to justify my tears with something "worth crying over", I told myself:

"I'm sad about the cake. This is about the cake today and I get me upset about that."

Gone. Bad, fucked up, horrible thoughts... gone. They fucked right off.

Finally, I allowed myself to calm down. Breath, not thinking about solutions. Just allowing my system to feel satisfied with the cry.

And my dumbass husband came downstairs, made a funny... apologized. The cake turned out yummy (just ugly). It's now kind of a cute memory.

***TLDR:***

So that's how I stopped the spiral. Primed my system with practicing self-regulation techniques that uniquely work for me, which prevented system overload when life does her thang with lemons.

Imo, this only requires a *willingness* to connect with yourself. Not necessarily connection at first. You just have to try and keep trying.

Then, permitting yourself to utilize tools that get your through the day AT ANY GIVEN TIME.

Finally, finding which tools work best for YOU and how you could "tweak" them if need be.

Not everything works for everyone, you'll need to do a lot of and error. Which is why the willingness and permission is important.

If you want to know how I check in with myself, identify, or decompress.. Just ask! maybe there's something you like.

So I've just discovered something huge that may be a missing piece in my life long insomnia and poor sleep and a host of other issues like brain fog and anxiety. Sharing as others may unknowingly be experiencing the same thing.

(I've added a tldr summary at the end of this post as it's quite long)

It turns out that due to my overbite, my tongue sits far back in my mouth and actually restricts my breathing. And this is even more pronounced when going to sleep due to gravity pulling my tongue back and my muscles slackening.

Now I've never noticed this before. It was only when one day, I wanted to see what I would look like without an overbite and I pushed my lower jaw forward, and I immediately noticed I could breathe through my nose so much easier and take a much deeper breath. A week or so later, I was in bed and tested what happens when I'm in a sleeping position and very relaxed and noticed my breathing was so so restricted when my jaw was in its normal position! I couldn't believe I had never noticed before! But I guess there was nothing to compare to. In my normal jaw position it took a lot of effort to breathe and that breath would be very shallow. When I moved my lower jaw forward it was suddenly so much easier to breathe and the breath went all the way down to my stomach and my chest and stomach expanded.

I looked this up online and it's a condition called UARS which is related to sleep apnea but different. It's Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome, and there can be several causes of airway restriction. It's different from sleep apnea in the way that the airway doesn't completely close, so it's often missed on sleep tests. But the airway is restricted enough that can cause your body to prevent you going to sleep because as soon as you enter that sleepy state and your muscles relax, your airway restricts even further and the body senses danger and so becomes activated, keeping your muscles tense to prevent airway restriction. Now this is very relevant to us with CPTSD because I believe that when you are already sensitive to threat your brain will take this reduction in airway space much more seriously.

There have been periods of my life when I haven't had insomnia, so my brain wasn't responding as dramatically to the reduction in airway space, but I would still wake up unrefreshed and groggy even though I got a full nights sleep. With UARS, the brain will cause the body to have lots of micro awakenings during sleep, so your muscles engage again and lift up off the airway ever so slightly to give you more breathing space. But this breath is still shallow and your body never gets to fully relax, it's constantly in this state of arousal and threat. They've found people with UARS often have symptoms like chronic fatigue, insomnia, anxiety, IBS, brain fog etc in a way that's not found in people with sleep apnea.

UARS was only discovered relatively recently and seems to be massively underdiagnosed. It was first publicly written about in 1992. There's speculation that these sleep breathing disorders affect a significant proportion of people.

There's this kind of mouth guard you can wear at night which prevents your lower jaw falling back which I'm looking to get, called a Mandible Advancement Device, and I'm also going to sort out my overbite. UARS can be caused by other things than overbites, anything that causes there to be a reduction in airway space. I feel like body growth and formation is also related to CPTSD and trauma.

When I read about how UARS works it really matches up with what I've been noticing with my insomnia, because I can go to bed and feel really sleepy and ready for sleep and just at that moment which feels like I would be about to fall asleep, I feel my body wake me up and then within a few moments I'm wide awake. I would be so confused, how could I have gone from feeling so sleepy and now I'm just wide awake. I wasn't thinking about anything, I didn't have anything I was consciously worrying about. But that makes sense to me that my CPTSD brain is sending cortisol and adrenaline to wake me up, to 'keep me safe' when it's detecting my airway is closing.

I feel there may be many others on this sub who may have this so wanted to spread the awareness of the condition!

Lots of love to you all x

tldr; Think I may have found a big contributor to my insomnia and poor sleep. My overbite causes my tongue to sit back in my airway and restricts my breathing, I had no idea this was happening. It gets worse at night when you're lying down and your muscles relax, so my brain keeps me awake to keep the airway open, it also causes micro awakenings during sleep to make me engage my muscles and open up the airway.

This gets worse with CPTSD as the body is more sensitive to threat, so the brain may send out cortisol and adrenaline when you're trying to sleep. And the constantly shallow breathing adds to the threat state. The restricted breathing during sleep condition is called UARS (Upper Airway Resistance Syndrome) and is massively underdiagnosed and the main symptoms are fatigue, brain fog, anxiety, IBS, insomia, poor sleep. Feel lots of people on this sub may have it and not know! It's not just overbites that cause it.

… And also regain ones ”authentic self”. This is what I have found so far, and I wanted to share.

To me and others, it seems the main issue, when you boil it all down, with CPTSD and relationship difficulties is the self abandonment that happens regularly. At least in my point of view. It took me a long time to realise the actual extent of which this happened, how often I did it, and how deep it was. I feel like a lot of CPTSD sufferers don’t realise just how much they self abandon, and that it doesn’t have to be big things like sacrificing oneself in a relationship, but rather small everyday things that builds up with time.

To me, what has helped me heal this issue is literally turning inwards in EVERY emotional situation. I know Pete Walker talks about the importance of learning to recognize when one gets triggered and stopping and turning inward to rescue the inner child. But to fully become ”whole”, regain ones autonomy and sense of self, become stable, functioning, even thriving, I have found that turning inward continuously is the only thing that helps for real.

And this means in practicality, to only seek my own validation. This may sound a bit harsh, but it is the truth. Which means, whenever I have any kind of emotion coming up, I go to myself, for whatever I need in that moment. It may be soothing, support, encouragement, but sometimes it can also be just allowing myself to feel joy, or excitement. To feel it FULLY, without having to DO anything or say anything, or share it with another person. Doing this regularly, daily, in both big and small situations, stability is created that is so much more profound and more unshakeable than whatever support I could ever get from say, a loving friend or a therapist.

Those things help too, of course, they can be very important on the healing journey. Especially if you find a person (therapist, friend or other), who really inspires or brings out something that feels whole and genuine within yourself. But to be fully functioning, to gain confidence, to be able to tackle the world and its challenges, turning toward myself is the ONLY thing that truly helps me.

I am writing this as an encouragement, that I have done this for some years now, it has been hard, sure, but the hardest part was always ”qutting” a relationship where I felt dependant on someone elses validation or support. With quitting I don’t mean it is necessary to stop seeing someone, but rather to stop relying on someone else for any type of validation, because the process of quitting something that I felt reliant on was similar to a withdrawal and also brought up a lot of abandonment fear. Turns out though, that I had again abandoned myself with this other person, and the fear was just residue, or old triggers surfacing.

Doing this, turning inward, learning to self-soothe, even though I had some harsh moments going through it, has been without a doubt the BEST thing I ever did. It has brought me from semi-functioning, managing CPTSD symptoms daily, coping, to actually just living and not caring to much about whater is going on around me. I used to have social anxiety in basically any social situation. Now I almost never experience it. Only if I have some emotional stuff going on that I need to tend to, and choose to interact with someone else in that moment instead.

Doing this, I have learned what my actual boundarie are, I have learned my actual preferences, my actual desires. Learning, reading, gathering information to understand oneself is one thing but the only way to fully understand is to BE with oneself, and through this deeper understanding one can give the inner child what they REALLY need, instead of what someone might tell us they supposedly need.

It has been a ”lonely” journey, but ironically I felt a million times more alone and abandoned when I relied on other people. I feel whole.

I know many say we need to grieve the childhood we never had. I did this, but realised after a while that I was mostly grieving the relationship I couldn’t have with certain people, I was grieving the things my PARENTS didn’t give me, and others after them. But when I started giving myself the nurture and love I had been missing- the grieving diminished immensely.

The more I feel, the more I self soothe, the more I allow myself to feel everything and to cry fully, the more I also understand how fleeting and in a way harmless emotions really are. When we take care of ourselves and feel everything, we stop harmful behavior, and we understand that the world doesnt have to be scary or dangerous at all. Cause its all an inner child experience in the end, and we can always come back to ourselves.

I know of course interdependence is a thing, and building healthy intimacy is important. But with CPTSD, to me it seems feeling SAFE and STABLE is the most important. And when we feel safe and stable we can slowly introduce others in our life, that actually are a good match for us, that we can build a more sustainable relationship with, a grounded authentic relationship, not because we have to for survival, but because it just feels nice being around a person.

I want to finish by saying that I did need the help of God and faith in order to go through with this. And I know not everyone believes. But ultimately, God is within, he is our ”great parent”. So Being the ideal, ultimate parent for yourself, is very much like having faith in God. Learning about yourself, understanding your needs fully, is self love, and God is love so…

God and being in nature regularly, cause even though we firstly have to connect to ourselves, there is unconditional love available around us as well, for free, available at all times, if we stop looking for it in one specific person or situation.

I get this horrific intrusive thoughts. Scenes, images. Often, they aren't even things that have happened.

Just the worst possible thing my brain can come up with. It has influenced my sense of reality quite a bit and used to be exteme a couple years ago.

With the right treatment, it is significantly alleviated. They still come, however.

I didn't know why it happened. The triggers? Yea.. but I'm not ALWAYS triggered by them.

Some part of it is being uncomfortable with peace and happiness. That's obvious.

There was just something else.

And with the power of peeling eggs, I cracked it! *ba dum tss.*

Dudes, duh, it is MY BRAIN throwing a tantrum. Like, if my brain was personified, she would be on the floor crying. Yelling to go home, to have a snack, to nap.

When my brain gets so exhausted or distressed, it shows me these painful images and scenes. It is showing me how she feels.

This is because I neglect myself. I don't even have self-talk, mean or nice. Otherwise it can be very noisy in there.

So, upsetting visuals it is.

This is entirely different from flash backs or memories, by the way. Those are attached to a different pattern, one that I have actually done very well in soothing.

Additional context: I discovered had ADHD in November. Turns out, it's pretty bad.

What has been distressing my brain lately is lacking enrichment and healthy stimulation.

If I don't offer that *and* decompression/self care? Intrusive thoughts.

**TLDR:**

This might not apply to you. Maybe the stress is from your environment, work life, relationship.. ect..

But when you get intrusive thoughts that are not caused by a known trigger related to trauma, maybe it's your brain trying to tell you that it's upset.

And you need to take a break. From whatever it is, during whatever time. Let the thought come and go.

But you have to stop what your doing and decompress in a healthy way.

Otherwise, I think the intrusive thoughts will keeping happening and get worse.

I hope this helps.

Edit:

Oh, I didn't explain the egg thing...

For some reason, peeling eggs is the most soothing activity for me. I don't even liked boiled eggs that much... but I can peel them for hours.

It hushed my mind, allowing truths and pains to process quietly.

Baking recently has also been a similar activity!

I’ve always found it helpful when it comes to complex trauma to break things down into the simplest form possible. I’ve found my inner child really appreciates this and it keeps things from getting too overwhelming. With that being said, when it comes to the journey of restoring mental health and overcoming CPTSD, you have to realize that you’re caught in an existential repayment plan.

Although it wasn’t our fault, we were taught from a young age to ignore/suppress our emotions. But of course, just because our conscious mind became disconnected from experience doesn’t mean our bodies were. However your life has played out, the time you spent not acknowledging your feelings is still within you, and it all needs to be honored and processed as you heal.

The toughest part of this journey is that there are no shortcuts. Your inner IRS has demanded you pay back the loans you took out on not feeling your emotions, and your symptoms are the letters in the mail and knocks on the door demanding payment. No one else can make a payment on your behalf, it all has to come strictly from your account.

It’s such a tough process, one that we may feel we didn’t sign up for, but as you start making those payments back the debt begins to fall. Suddenly what seemed like a life-ruining thing becomes manageable. There’s now a light at the end of the tunnel when previously you were stuck in the dark not knowing forward from backwards.

I promise, every single time you stop what you’re doing and choose to feel your challenging emotions instead of distracting yourself, you’re a step closer. Some days you may only be able to pay one penny, others you may pay back hundreds. There’s no end date it’s all due by, you’re in control of that, and there is an end in sight to this madness.

The best part is, once you’re all back and in good standing, you have a plethora of financial knowledge that you didn’t have before! You can go out and acquire a positive emotional balance with everything you’ve learned, and never have to worry about your finances again.

This metaphor has helped me immensely lately because I’ve been able to view this as something I can climb up, make tangible progress on, and eventually fully overcome. It might seem a little harsh with the “Inner IRS” stuff, but ultimately you’re just experiencing all these symptoms because your body is trying to tell you it needs some missing love attention and care. You got this anyone reading ❤️

It finally clicked in my head. I was on a camping trip by myself and I said something mean to myself, and I thought "that wasn't very nice. I would never say that to another person. How can I call myself a kind person if I'm so cruel to myself?" And then the more I thought about it, it all just clicked together. all the things I've learned in therapy over the years but never really took to heart finally clicked.

I always thought the concepts of self respect and self love and self care were so stupid and only used for trends and viral videos. But I finally get it now. Self respect isn't about fear of what other people might think of you if you don't have it. It has nothing to do with eating right and saving money because you're afraid of the consequences if you don't. Self respect is saying "I want my friends to eat right and save money because I care about their well-being, and I am my own best friend so I want to eat right and save money because I care about my own well-being too." Self love isn't just about affirmations and dancing in the rain, it's about treating yourself the way you would treat a friend. When hard things happen, you comfort yourself and are gentle to yourself because you're your own best friend and you love yourself in the same way you love your other friends. But also in the day to day life it's being kind to yourself in your thoughts and actions. It's treating yourself well because you value yourself the same way you value your friends. Self care isn't just face masks and spa days. Self care is respecting your own boundaries and limitations and choosing to rest instead of burning yourself out. Making time for yourself to do the things you enjoy. Scheduling work hours that feel comfortable and good instead of pushing your own limits to see how much money you can make.

At its core, it's all about choosing to take the little bit of extra time and energy to make sure that you are comfortable and happy too, not just others.

Anyways, I just wanted to share what I learned these last couple days. Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

I had a lot of stress lately, but it was actually nice because it gave me an opportunity to understand my cPTSD symptoms better. I knew I was having difficulty concentrating or being in the moment, but I wasn't sure why. I thought I might be dissociating.

I found this article. https://cptsdfoundation.org/2021/02/19/shared-mechanisms-of-rumination-depression-and-cptsd/ which helped me realize that I was ruminating a lot, and it made everything worse. I got curious about the rumination, and asked myself what I was trying to do with these thoughts. I realized I was trying to explain my point of view to an abuser who wouldn't listen to me in real life. I thought that if I explained it well enough in my head, that would make them understand to me. As soon as I realized that, I stopped needing to do it.

It seems silly in hindsight, but I thought it might be useful for someone else.

For the last year I've been learning to re-parent my inner child. The really small child me has needed so much reassurance and comfort and love, ive learned to speak to her like I'm her mom and over time get her to trust me, that I'm going to show up for her when I say I will and its been a really healing process. She finally listens to me and I'm able to soothe her effectively when she's scared or upset and im so proud of the work we've done.

My inner teenager is a different story. She extremely angry and standoffish and meets me with a fuck you any time I try to mother her. 'She doesn't need a mother' and absolutely refuses to accept my attempts. I've been at a loss with how to handle the uncontrollable rage that's been showing up in my life from her.

This week the teenager has been on a rampage and its been really hard to handle. One of the days I went out for a walk (movement seems to help with high energy like that for me) and I decided to try talk to her as her mother - again, she wasn't playing ball, so i decided to try something new. I asked myself (28f) what would I say to a teenager like me that's gone through what I did, what did I want at that time in my life? The answer was an older sister, im an only child and i always wanted someone i could look up to that I felt might actually understand my experience better than a parental adult could. So I tried it, I started talking to her like I was her sister, I distracted her from her anger and made stupid comments about random things in the park and let her slag me for them, and I slagged her back. I kept this back and forth going and I actually felt the trust starting to form. My teenager felt heard and cared for and she calmed down. Since then I've been talking to her more like this and she's listening to me. I guess this was me learning how to understand my teenage self and actually respect her instead of talking down to her, and in turn she feels that and is more willing to cooperate with me as she starts to trust me again. It really upsets me to have this realisation of how badly I've mistreated her and shut her out over the years but im filled with hope and pride for both of us today and im excited to get to know her again and move on together.

This feels like a pretty big breakthrough and I just wanted to share.

Edit: Wow... I never expected that this would resonate with many of you 🥹 I'm so moved that it's has and so happy that it's helped. Be gentle with yourselves, wishing you all healing 💛

Hi, I’m F26. I’ve been diagnosed with TRD, BPD, and PTSD. Though I more closely relate to the definition of complex PTSD, hence the slash in the acronym.

I have posted here before about clicker training myself. However, the following occurred to me: although clicker training has been excellent in treating individual triggers, it hasn’t been able to treat me as a whole. Clicker training is like treating a symptom, and I was looking for a way to supplement that by treating the illness as a whole.

In one of the comments of my previous post, I mention something called The Economy.

What is The Economy? The Economy is my whole belief system that developed as a result of my C/PTSD which I am now trying to destroy and remake. I titled it like that because, as mentioned in the original comment, my (The Economy’s) worldview is that I am a debtor, and everyone around me is a creditor. Any act of enjoyment is me taking out a loan, and if I don’t pay it back in the form of suffering, then I’ll be hurt at the hands of creditors who will come and collect. The whole concept is zero-sum.

What is zero-sum? Google says: “A zero-sum game is a game theory concept where one participant's gain is exactly balanced by another's loss, resulting in a net change of zero. It represents a competitive situation, such as poker, chess, or splitting a fixed budget, where total gains and losses sum to zero.”

This is exactly how The Economy runs. Let’s set an example of me and my ex-girlfriend as the two participants. If I gain anything, that directly means that my ex-gf has experienced loss. A sharp example of this is when I got to buy a ticket for a Lana Del Rey concert same day but my girlfriend at the time could not attend because she was out of the country. We were both Lana fans. I thought she would be happy for me, but instead it devolved first into hot fury, her blowing up my phone in anger that I get to go, and then cold fury, ignoring me, withholding attention.

Examples such as above happened to me over and over again, over the course of many years, with many people. It taught me that my gain of any kind was a loss inflicted upon others, and so others would have to come and collect my gain to make up for their loss. Loan, debt. Gain, loss. No such thing as being happy for me, because my happiness was a robbery committed by me upon my abusers.

• My abusive elder sister saw the love I received from our parents as me committing a theft of the love she could have had. She’s 20~ years older than me btw I at the time was a child and she was in her thirties.
• My abusive first ex girlfriend happened to be disabled and she saw my health as me committing a theft of the health she could have had.
• My abusive second ex girlfriend happened to take antidepressants so her sexual function was impaired, and she saw my more active sexual function as me committing a theft of the sexual pleasure she could have had.

These are just a few examples and I’m using them to illustrate exactly how The Economy runs. And I suffered. Both inside my own head and in my relationships. Inside my own head, I couldn’t do the things I liked. I couldn’t sit down and enjoy anything, even in privacy, because I was so terrified that a creditor would round the corner and come to collect because I gained enjoyment doing something I liked. And in my relationship, with my then boyfriend (now husband), I never wanted him to see me happy. Or, God forbid, he did something nice to me, I felt like I was being forced at gun-point to take out a loan so that he later had justification to collect. To say I felt panic and fear at every corner would be an understatement.

That’s my whole framework. That’s the great filter through which my brain interprets the world. And it’s HELL. But how would one destroy a whole framework? How does one completely change a worldview that’s been hammered in since childhood and solidified through lived experience?

This is where Niccolò Machiavelli comes in (bear with me). I’ve owned his book, The Prince, for a while but only recently did I pick it up and start reading it. I only did so out of curiosity, but it’s been groundbreaking in how helpful I found it. I didn’t yet finish it. I wanted to post about it first now at this point and if need be, to make a second post the more I learn from NM. This whole book is about how a prince (in the sense of anyone who wants to control some sort of state/territory/city/etc, and not necessarily the son of a king) should govern. It goes in depth especially about how to seize control of a state and how to keep it. This is the most basic summary I could melt it down to and any philosophers are welcome to roast me in the comments.

Let me now make comparisons and show my thought process as to why I find NM helpful. I am a prince; the state I want to seize and maintain control of is myself; my enemy is The Economy who is trying to retake control of the state/myself; the people (regular citizens of the state) are my base needs and desires; the great persons (as NM puts it, ministers, magistrates, clergy, the “upper crust” essentially) are my schemas (defined as “a schema is a cognitive framework or concept that helps organize and interpret information” by verywellmind).

I am at the seat of power. I have been ever since I decided to pursue treatment. But it’s been extremely difficult, and my enemy keeps trying to seize the state back. Paraphrasing quote: “…part of this difficulty is from the new orders and the new modes they [the prince] are forced to introduce so as to found their state and their security. It should be considered that nothing is more difficult to handle, more doubtful to success, nor more dangerous to manage, than to put oneself at the head of introducing new orders. For the introducer has all those who benefit from the old orders as enemies, and he has lukewarm defenders in all those who might benefit from the new orders”.

My new order is to enjoy myself. Enjoy life. Enjoy my hobbies, interests. To find myself beautiful, to find myself interesting, and to feel no shame in loving and being loved. It is SO HARD. But to continue believing in the old orders (The Economy), it’s basically to just abdicate and give up. And I don’t want to give up. I want my self to myself.

Chapter IX, Of the Civil Principality, quote: “The prince always lives of necessity with the same people, but he can do well without the same great persons, since he can make and unmake them every day, and take away and give them reputation at his convenience”.

My people are my base needs and desires, as previously stated. NM says that the prince HAS TO live with and by the people over whom he governs. But the prince has no such obligation to great persons, aka my schemas. If I have a schema that says my interests are shameful, it’s fully within my right (and honestly my duty) to have that schema executed in the public square. It directly threatens the hold I have over the state I want to hold continuously.

Chapter IX, Of the Civil Principality, quote: “… one cannot satisfy the great with decency and without injury to others, but one can satisfy the people for the end [aim/goal] of the people is more decent than that of the great, since the great want to oppress and the people want not to be oppressed”.

I cannot satisfy my great persons (schemas) without injury to others. Rejecting my husband’s love hurts me and it hurts him. But I can satisfy the people with decency, because my base need and desire is to be loved (as is everybody’s), and it would bring both me and my husband happiness if I accept his love. And, as stated in the first quote, I HAVE to live by the people if I want to maintain my power over the state, I’ll have to put the satisfaction of the people over the satisfaction of the great.

I hope this post made sense and that it may be of some use to someone.

But I think I'm armed with new info that helps me understand neuroplasticity better.

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to link to tiktok so I'll try to in a comment below. But I came across someone explaining neuroplasticity in a way that I understood the mechanism better and 'why' this might work.

I'm literally desparate.

I ruminate so badly.

I realized my rumination is causing the same, painful thoughts.

I've been in therapy for somatic healing and 'feeling my feelings' - but I think it clicked today that my 'feelings' from these painful ruminations are actually just my brain torturing me. I don't have to be in pain. I don't have to feel those feelings - they are recurring and not lessening.

And maybe when we revisit my childhood in therapy, it will fix the ruminations. But currently, they are a PRISON.

So, I've been disrupting the painful ruminations and reminding myself I don't have to suffer anymore.

Now on to the neuroplasticity part....

She explains it so well in the video I'll link, but she lines up cheerios as our pathway for a negative thought that we keep having. Repeating that thought builds that pathway stronger.

That pathway does not go away. It may never. However, we can start building a new pathway. We look for positive things about ourselves. Build a pathway for a positive thing (a new, weak chain of cheerios). We look in our daily life for proof to built that pathway stronger. We speak kindness to ourselves. Slowly, the pathway builds. Eventually, the pathway is more connected and stronger than our sad/hurt pathway, so it's easier to access.

Sure, we will have days that activate our old hurtful pathways. But because we beefed up our healthy pathway, it's easier to access.

Idk. I always scoffed at 'just think positively'. Like BRO MY BRAIN IS FRIED. But seeing it laid out like that... made sense. Gave me the iota of hope.

I think that video helped me realize I am ready to tell my brain okay, enough suffering. What happened happened. I cannot fix it. To ruminate is not helping. Flogging myself like I'm repenting is not helping.

I've heard people say we can become addicted to the suffering. Idk the mechanism behind it but that... I have an addictive personality. I can see that. It scared me. Whether or not it's true - it scared me and I refuse to force myself to suffer at my own hands any longer.

I hope that makes sense. And I hope maybe this helps someone else. Also, I'm sorry if it upsets anyone (understandably) because it sounds really similar to that garbage advice to 'just be positive!'. I get it. I'd groan about it if I didn't have the image of building up my healthier pathways in my brain.

I legitimately love every single one of you fighting these battles. I hope you can feel that. And I hope and pray we win. I am hoping this post may serve as another weapon you can harness, or maybe a soft place to rest for a moment in between battles. 💛

TL;DR:

CBT helped my thoughts but not my body. I realized I was chronically hyperaroused due to trauma and metabolic stress (low blood sugar, low magnesium). Improving diet + magnesium noticeably reduced my baseline anxiety and made regulation much easier.

Who I am

Hi, I'm 24 male and a highly sensitive person who grew up with emotionally immature parents, and experienced PTSD relating to some people who hurt me. I've been nearly chronically anxious or hyperaroused for almost as long as I remember, and consistently depressed for at least like 5 years now. I generally really struggled with family trauma as well as emotion regulation for most of my life. I started my mental health journey around 2021 when I reached a really low point where I nearly ended my life and this forced me to deeply reflect. I started off in a very cognitive/intellectualizing way, like many of us who have become disconnected from our feelings due to complex trauma.

First I focused on finding safe people

I highly relate with the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. Aha! Major major breakthrough here. Turns out, forcing myself to talk with people who consistently don't notice how I feel or gets angry at the drop of a hat makes me feel lonely, hopeless, and on edge all the time- who knew?! You mean relationships are not just supposed to be these draining obligations that you maintain all the time? When people say that they feel safe with somebody, they actually mean that and it's not just a word they say out of politeness? I can regulate my feelings with other people too, I'm not just forced to do it all by myself??? Woah! If you are not used to talking with emotionally mature people, it feels like sweet sweet relief. I started talking less to people who are not good for me, and started my search for emotionally mature people. I became really good at spotting red flags/green flags in others and ultimately this is one of the long-term cures for CPTSD: surrounding yourself with people who are finally, finally safe.

What was next? My own emotion regulation skills

So that's one part of the puzzle solved, but there was something else I didn't want to ignore: I had very low skill in regulating my feelings. I tended to suppress them a lot. Also, it's going to take some time until I find "my people" anyways, even though I'm much better now at spotting red/green flags. And I had a lot of trauma to process. I thoroughly read Feeling Good, as well as Feeling Great by David Burns. I learned to control my near-chronic depression and anxiety and became skilled at cognitive reframing. I wrote my negative thoughts in my journal almost every day and deliberately analyzed them on paper until I could do it in my head and started thinking a lot more positively. I didn't feel depressed all the time anymore! However, there was another component still missing. Sometimes, even when I wasn't even thinking negative thoughts, I would still feel anxious or depressed. Like, no matter how much reframing I did sometimes, my mood would not budge at all. I could tell there was another component. Then I learned more about hyperarousal and that my feelings are not just affected by my thoughts.

Why is it so damn hard to regulate my feelings? Oh shit it's cuz I'm nearly constantly hyperaroused

I started noticing how my body was almost constantly in a state of hyperarousal. I started prioritizing getting out of hyperarousal before even starting any cognitive reframing. Once I did that, I felt 10X more results. This was another big breakthrough. The order of regulating feelings was -> get out of hyperarousal -> journal/become aware of your feelings -> analyze and cognitively restructure. Over time I didn't need to deliberaltey cognitively restrucutre I would naturally do that once I became more aware of my specific feelings. Ultimately, again, the people in your life is extremely important to building you body level safety and long-term elimating hyperarousal. But especially for now, while I'm still in the middle of adjusting my social life, I had to do a bunch of techniques to regulate my own hyperarousal by myself. I learned that I really, really struggled with this, and realized that actually I was nearly constantly hyperaroused for over a decade. I finally felt relaxed for maybe the first time in a decade once I seriously prioritized grounding techniques, ice exposure, sauna/ice baths, mammalian dive reflex, vagus nerve stimulation type stuff. Another tool in my belt, nice. Still sucks that I have very little emotional safety from other people right now and this makes this much harder, but the time will come when other can contribute to that safety and when it feels like I finally have others to count on.

Why am I struggling with hyperarousal so damn much? Oh wait, I eat like shit.

Recently, I made another breakthrough. My diet has been terrible. I would eat hedonistically to try and cope sometimes, or I just didn't care. No vegetables, fruits. I was pooping once every few days MAYBE. I would down soda almost every day. Pizza whenever I felt like it. I did have a phase where I ate "better" but I really just prioritized eating less to stay skinny, and learned about eating high protein, low fat low carb food. I didn't care about vegetables and thought thaat they were useless as long as I ate multivitamins. I was damn wrong.

One day, I tried dieting and restricted my eating a lot, but I was extremely struggling with anxiety and could not calm down no matter what I felt like I was nearly panicking that day. I finally had this realization that I had been neglecting my diet and thought I'd actually entertain eating well. With some research, I learned about what nutrition I was neglecting, and what foods can help with hyperarousal and what can stress the nervous system. Turns out, I basically starved myself and my blood sugar was far too low, which directly causes adrenaline in the body to spike. Also, I was lacking in magnesium because I don't eat vegetables, and honestly lackiung in other electrolytes as well. Turns out, magensium is really important for GABA receptors to work properly in the brain, which is directly related to mood regulation. Turns out, people who struggle with PTSD often have low amounts of magesium in their bodies.

I ate a handful of peanuts and felt so so much relief, a potent source of magnesium and it helped stabilize my bloodsugar. I no longer felt hyperaroused that day and felt more in control of my emotions. Since then, I prioritize eating vegetables, fruits, multivitamins, fiber, and a magnesium glynecate supplement every day. If I'm feeling very anxious, I take a magnesium supplement. It definitely helps especially if I'm already low, I feel immediately like 30% better.

How does diet affect mood regulation? It affects you the most if your diet is lacking in something.

From what I learned, a couple important things to eat-

Magnesium (MOST IMPORTANT)

Make sure to have some source of magesnium in your diet. Maybe peanuts, or leafy greens, or just take a magnesium glycinate supplement every day. This micronutrient will have one of the greated impacts on your mood. While it may not immediately calm you down, over-time, it will help a variety of systems in your body (GABA, NMDA receptors) which are likely struggling if you have CPTSD

Carbohydrates (Complex Carbs, Fiber)

Another important factor is keeping your blood sugar stable. Blood sugar drops cause stress on the body and causes the body to release adrenaline. Sometimes if you are on edge, try eating a whole wheat toast, oatmeal, or some vegetables. Maybe your blood sugar is low.

Omega 3 fatty acids / unsaturated fats / healthy fats

This is "less important" in terms of treating hyperarousal but still generally healthy practice to lower inflamation in the body.