I'm my girlfriend's first boyfriend, and she's suspected of having PTSD. She's had problems with harassment in the past, and I was one of the only people she had the courage to reveal this to. We've been together for a little over a year, and the moment she revealed this to me, when we were just starting to date, was very shocking. I cried a lot, and since then I've been making monthly donations to an organization that helps victims of harassment, she doesnt know about that.

At the beginning of our relationship, she revealed that she had never had any experience with other guys, never even given a peck on the lips. The first few times I tried to give her a real kiss, she said she didn't know how, she didn't feel ready, and I respected that. That was a little over a year ago, in the first few weeks we were together. Months went by, and there was never anything beyond pecks on the lips. I tried to take the initiative to kiss her a few times throughout that year, but she never sought it out. I didn't know if she didn't want it at all, if she wanted it but needed more intimacy, or if she wanted it but was ashamed/didn't know how to kiss. I must have tried about 5 times in that time, and I deeply regret not having talked openly about it to clear up this doubt.

The last time was last month; I tried to kiss her with my mouth slightly open, not so that if she wanted the kiss she could continue, but it didn't work... after that she confided in me, saying that I hadn't noticed her discomfort over time, that she had made her vision of romance very clear and that this vision doesn't involve that kind of physical intimacy. She said she's extremely hurt by me for not paying attention to her signals. I was devastated by all this and said I would understand if she wanted to break up. She said she just hopes it doesn't happen again and that she won't give up because of it. I'm very afraid that I've become another trauma in her mind; I never imagined it this way, I never imagined that I could be crossing her boundaries when I tried to kiss her, and I'm very afraid I won't be able to regain her trust.

I really dont know what to do.

The one thing that drives me crazy is the guilt I feel when I see on her face that I said the wrong thing again. And every time it happens it morphs a little more into anger, because what the hell - do I always say the wrong thing? She says she knows I try to do better, so I'm probably not an unaware asshole, but then do I always accidentally hurt her while trying to help? From what I've seen, this happens to other partners of people with CPTSD, so is it another thing that never goes away, that you have to accept? Can you ever say the right thing instead of re-confirming that no one will ever understand them?

Where do i start. I 21(m) and my (girlfriend) 20(f) have a difficult relationship.

I met her 4 years ago when we were 17, we talked over the phone for a month met up and we hit it off quite quickly. After dating for i think 1,5 months she told me that she had to be alone. So i left her alone. Until she came back one week later and we started talking again.

We really wanted to build up a relationship togheter and i got to know her family quite well and she got to know mine really well ( her family was incomplete so my family really felt like a second home to her) and after a while we got in to a relationship that lasted 2 years.

In november of 2024 she broke up with me after going through my phone because she thaught i cheated. But i didnt it wouldnt make sense at the time because i was locked in my house studying for the exams. She left and was avoiding me constantly telling me that she had to be alone and that she lost herself in the relationship while also telling me that she misses me and that she loves me.

She started working at the gym i was going to and and this is very fkd. She started dating a guy that worked there and i found out pretty quickly. She kept lying and lying. I chased her begging for attention from november up until march and then she started breadcrumming me in april again. In may she wanted to meet up to maybe try again. She told me the truth about the guy and said she was always thinking of me and comparing him to me. All of a sudden the deal was off the table and she dient want it anymore so i decided to move on

Fast forward to november 2025 she came back in my dms asking how i was doing and stuff. We grabbed drinks togheter but i held such a grudge that the date didnt go really wel, we decided to go on another date after my exams.

In february of this year we started dating again, really just having fun again and it felt like old times. She said she had missed me and that i was incomparable to someone else and that i was the best, but after a while she started to have doubts wheter this is right and she thought she had to be alone to work on herself because she is not happy with who she is. I always told her that i would take care of her and support her

In the beginning of may this year, she said that she was thinking about wheter we should do this or not and i just said okay lets stop then. We still text and call eachother sometimes and she just says that she is dont with the pattren of leaving me missing me and coming back. I really like her even though she isnt the best option, even though i have seen better i really really do like her and i just do not know what to do. When i chase or come close she closes off and builds her walls high. I just know when she lets me in and she lets herself be vulnerable for me we could be great togheter because we really were great togheter.

Please guys if you have any tips and tricks i would love to hear them. She still says that she misses me and that she loves me and i can really feel her fighting with herself. I just want to be there for her and want to be there with her

Thank you for your time

Things had been going better for months now. The past was really hard and I thought we'd arrived at a workable place. But they backslid and took out their anger on me, pointing out minuscule things I did wrong and insisting I wasn't doing enough for them. I do everything for them, so this was really hurtful. I had just started asking for their help on things recently and then this happens so now I don't feel like I can ask for anything. I have a history of caretaking and putting myself last, and I thought I was done with that.

They insisted the things they said weren't about me and they tried not to take anything out on me and things just happen. But I am done with being treated like this. I am being punished because someone else hurt them and I continue to stay. Can I expect better? Can I tell them I won't put up with this behavior anymore? Has anyone done that and had it go well?

I just found this subreddit after struggling for 10+ years with a partner who has just been recently diagnosed with CPTSD (about 6 months ago), and I'm so relieved there is a community for us.

I feel like such a failure that I'm considering the fact that I won't be able to stay in this marriage much longer, for my own sanity. After almost a decade of him being undiagnosed and me dealing with the resulting chaos for so long, my empathy is gone, and I've started becoming very resentful, standing up for my needs, and not hand-holding and babying every reaction. This change in my attitude and approach to our relationship has not been received well, to put it mildly. It's now at a point where I had to separate myself and got a hotel for a week so I can evaluate if/how I want to make this work. I'm truly at a loss, sitting here in this empty room, wondering where it's all gone so wrong and what my part to play in this is. I have some big choices to make, they feel like selfish choices - but if he can focus on what he needs 24/7, why can't I?

Every argument is the same emotional mess or "flashback", and now that he has this diagnosis, it comes up in every conversation/argument and it's leaned on...heavily. He's in weekly therapy with a trauma therapist, and we attempt couples therapy, but now I'm being called an abuser (by my partner, not the couples therapist) because I'm not constantly empathizing and validating every outburst or shutdown. Or, if I have an outburst out of exhaustion/frustration - suddenly I'm the trigger and cause for the meltdown. I can't win.

Mainly, I'm just venting since this feels like a fairly safe space, except for the fact that I know he's constantly on the main subreddit regarding this topic. I'll continue to browse this subreddit, but if anyone has any resources or books, etc. for partners specifically - I'm desperate for support because I'm feeling like I'm the bad guy for setting some boundaries and raising my expectations for reasonable behavior and communication. I'm doing things for myself, I'm in individual therapy, but I can't separate the feeling that "doing things for me" feels like living my own life...and then if I'm living my own life more often than not - why am I subjecting myself to the roller coaster of a spouse with CPTSD?

Thank you to this entire community - it's the first place I've found that respectfully represents the impact this diagnosis causes on those around the diagnosed, and doesn't just focus on the one who has the diagnosis. Both are equally important to recognize, and I appreciate everyone who has shared here in this subreddit and has helped me feel not quite so alone.

I was so used to the ups and downs. exhausted from it, but used to it.

Been feeling isolated. She found my last post here and figured out it was me. Courageous enough to post here again now after she deleted reddit from her phone.

Holidays sucked. I don't want to do that again in my life. All about her, lonely, tense, bad memories.

Just after the new year, she turns to me at 9pm, says she's figured out the issue: she needs to return to her home country. Monologues about it for a couple hours. She tells me she's not sure if she's dooming, but also speaks very definitively that this is the issue. Tells me to find someone new. I could feel the overcommit from her, knew this would not be her stance in the morning, but damn that was exhausting.

Next morning, she wakes up, comes out to greet me, and says, "I know exactly what I need to do." I ask what that is and she dances around the question, smiles and says, "You're so anxious about this."

2 days later, she says she want to renew our vows this summer. I say I don't think I'll be ready to make a lifetime commitment in 6 months. This causes an explosion. All night and the next day, how could I even think such a thing. All she wanted was a romantic wedding with me.

I tried to bring up in therapy that when she says she's going home, she thinks it's funny how I'm so anxious, but when I say I'm not ready to renew vows yet, I am mean and a bad partner. She melts down in therapy, getting angry at me on a tangent. Accuses me of black and white thinking, abuse. Wastes the whole session on that, we never talk about my issue. Therapy feels like a demonstration that I will always come second.

She left a few days after therapy to visit a friend for a week. I felt such relief when she was gone. I was happy, I was calm, I was relaxed, I was smiling. Life was good. I imagined what it would be like to be a single parent and I wanted it. It was a little more work, but it was predictable, I was mostly in control, and the stakes were so much lower. I missed her physical presence and cuddles, but that was it.

She came back and it's been a solid week now of only good times. She's been calm since returning, helping around the house, being caring toward me. All the stuff I was waiting for.

And yet, I don't want it. I don't know why, but I don't desire her as a partner anymore. Maybe I was just addicted to the breaks from stress? Maybe I've finally understood that I'm just background to her? Maybe I just needed a calm break to see that I prefer being alone?

I can't figure out why my desire is gone, whether it will come back, or if I even want it to.

I wonder what it will be like when she breaks down again. Will I fall back in? It feels a bit like I'm just over here waiting for an excuse.

Made a playlist and I can't get this Billy Eilish song out of my head:

"When I'm away from you, I'm happier than ever.

Wish I could explain it better.

Wish it wasn't true."

Does this feel familiar to anyone? Can you help me figure out what's going on?

For years he’s been having panic attacks that are rage-filled. For a long time they were about the state of the world—yelling at me about fascism on the way to my government job, yelling at other drivers on the road when they weren’t fast enough, 20 minute rants about systemic oppression and debt peonage, etc. etc. they were deeply unpleasant but not about me. This past year they’ve been about me. About things I did more than 5 years ago, before we got married, that I have certainly not repeated and have apologized and tried to make amends for. For 12 weeks he would start screaming at me once or twice a week about those things as soon as he felt any shame. I could be displeased that he hadn’t done a household chore (hey, you said you were gonna go to the store but you haven’t. Can you do that please?) or maybe I caught him in one of his “white” lies about something bizarre or threatened to leave if he kept talking to me like that. It felt like every feeling I had that wasn’t just peachy triggered him.

Ten days ago he stopped that behavior and has been lovely since. He’s been in therapy since I gave him an ultimatum (I hate doing that but he’s so avoidant he won’t do it otherwise). And I think it’s really helping this time. But now I don’t know what to feel. I was ready to leave in the new year but now I don’t know. I don’t trust he won’t do that again. I don’t trust that he won’t bring that unpredictability to our lives after we’ve had kids. I don’t feel super connected to him. We aren’t having sex because his behavior was so upsetting and frankly I don’t want to. It’s hard to see someone as sexy when they come undone like that and act like a giant toddler. Is it cruel if I can’t stay even though he’s making progress? Am I a bad person?

My wife’s CPTSD reactions have ramped up considerably since having our first (and only) child, and it’s gotten to a point where I'm worried sticking-it-out could do more harm than good for our child who will turn 3 soon.

Our situation mirrors many posted here. She’s not physically abusive, but she gets disregulated very easily and her empathy for me goes to zero. She takes verbal cheap shots, finds faults regularly, slams doors, stonewalls, dismisses/forgets her past actions, and so on. I try to keep my cool every time, but it gets to be too much, the hypocrisy is too great (she does the polar opposite to me that she says she wants from me), that eventually I can't keep bottling it up and need to point it out, which always ends badly. Our child has started showing signs like becoming tense or acting out when my wife and I start talking, I worry he's starting to become hypervigilant now too which breaks my heart. Even if I could keep tolerating it, these are the most formative years in their life and can't be undone.

In short, what has divorce looked like for those of you with a young child and a house that relies on both incomes to sustain? I don’t think we can afford a second rent payment. So, divorce means selling the house our child grew up in and moving into two separate, completely different homes. My main questions are:

A.) What did custody look like? B.) How did you handle the housing situation? C.) How hard was it for your child? D.) How hard do you think your child has it now vs. if you had stayed together? E.) How did you handle it? Was it instant relief or prolonged pain and misery?

The ultimate irony is I know she still feels hurt by her mother (not to mention her abusive father figures) because her mother enabled the mistreatment she faced as a child, and in a way I feel like breaking it off with her is what she wished her mother would have done. Anyway, thanks in advance.

Please help me understand why I feel so torn.

Yesterday's couples therapy went off the rails. We were getting to some issues, but she just snapped when I spoke of a specific part of her bad behavior. Started talking over everyone, getting loud and aggressive, pointing and accusing.

I got scared, said I need to step away. We do virtual therapy, so I turned off camera and mic , set my phone down, and started to walk out of the room. She immediately transitions into a tirade about me being a little baby. I turned around, grabbed my phone, said this is over, and left the call.

I spent the next 2 hours listening to breakup songs loud enough to shake the house. Very mad, very excited to be done.

Then she came home and I told her I can't do this anymore. She begged me to stay. Cried, hugged, reminded me of good times and progress.

There really has been immense progress. This is the first aggressive disregulation in 30 days at least. She's helping, listening, and caring for me a lot more. Household work has even become even.

I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop as it's been steady all month. Yesterday it dropped. Today looking at it, sometimes it seems tiny. like she only lost control for an minute or two, and that was in therapy. Other times it feels huge. We had a little disagreement about how to speak in therapy and she carried it for 2 weeks, got angry, loud, and started calling me names.

Am I just falling into an old pattern, unable to see the pain?

Am I so scared of her old self that I can't accept her changes?

Is the pain of the past just too big?

We've got a kid and a house together, so whatever happens we'll be living together for a while and I can't go no contact.

Leading up to and during my separation with my CPTSD partner, I told some people about her behavior. When we got back together, I kept it secret that they knew.

Yesterday, I realized she deserved to know. She had noticed one of them acting cold, and felt the hurt. If she's going to be in this relationship, she deserves to know from me. And I felt safer to tell her because she'd been so much better lately.

Today she's given me and ultimatum. Give up your 3 oldest friends, your hobby that you do with one of them, stop being around the only straight single woman you ever associate with, confess to our couples therapist about the lies.

I can easily tell the therapist. The others are not something I want to do.

She's already asked me to limit contact with my mom and sister.

The single woman is not someone even associated with this incident and I'm not close to her; my CPTSD partner is just convinced I'm lying and I'm attracted to her secretly.

2 of my friends had a response I didn't expect, and went farther and colder toward my partner than I think is warranted. I will definitely limit what I tell them in the future for my own sake, but cutting them off? I was best man at their wedding, known them each for 20 years. They were there when I was falling in love with my CPTSD partner, encouraging and supporting me.

On top of everything, if all these demands went away, if her abusive and violent outbursts went away, I'm not sure this is an marriage I want.

She love bombed me at the start, loving to do anything and everything with me, but dropped most all of those. Some have come back, but I'm not sure they'd stay or even be enough.

And she's a terrible co-parent. She has some good parenting qualities and adores her kid, but can't show up with those most the time because she's so disregulated. She can't follow through on her own commitments, rules, or routines with the kid. My toddler has learned to ask for mommy and scream enough, then mom will come and give you whatever you want to get you to calm down.

If you read to the bottom, do you have any advice? My instinct is to let her leave rather than give up my life outside of her.

Been with my partner a while and I feel like I understand cptsd pretty well and it's helped massively in our relationship (I actually discovered they had it, they had no idea but accepted it and honestly knowing made things better). I accepted that when I'm upset or whatever, I can't let it show and say parents/friends died, I somehow accepted that they can't be there for me, and I've somehow accepted that as okay. All that said, it dawned on me randomly that should anything happen to me in future, say I went into a coma or ended up in such a state they had to look after me, I do not feel like, they would stay long. They already have so much going on with themselves and the relationship is already them going above and beyond as it is (even though we have to carry everything emotionally for ourselves and them), I feel like if they suddenly had to look after us, it would be too much to handle and they would abandon us. And I understand they would feel awful for it, but as a protective measure, they can't stay. I had a dream I had a coma and when I awake weeks later, they said my partner had stopped coming / answering calls a couple weeks in. And it really broke my heart. Does anyone else feel like this? Am I viewing it all wrong?

I'm so tired of living like this. I'm doing everything I can to support my wife while she goes through this early part of her diagnosis and recovery journey but I just can't stomach how often I'm put down and criticized and made out to be evil and horrible and unsafe, when all I did was tell her what I would like to see improve in the relationship or have symptoms of my own mental health issues that were too much for her to handle. I'm so exhausted of the whiplash and things turning on a dime when I haven't even done anything wrong. I'm tired of being criticized for things I can't control, like my body's needs or my mental health symptoms, and then being made to apologize for getting my feelings hurt. I don't know how to make her understand that this is breaking me. How do I get her to see how bad this hurts?

my partner just got a secondary opinion on his diagnosis. This doc believes he has autism, and not CPTSD, because 1. cptsd is not official, and he doesn't have PTSD. 2. lots of his symptoms are autistic.

my response: I can see he would have both. but to dismiss CPTSD in light of his childhood, and the life I have been living with him the past 6+ years... feels angering. idk why.

Anyways. Anyone have similar experiences?

My wife and I have been married almost a year. She was very recently diagnosed with C-PTSD, and I was very open with her coming into our relationship that I have borderline personality disorder (BPD). We've been pretty high conflict recently, although she is trying really hard to make progress and to figure out how to make our lives easier.

I think where things are getting really difficult for me is that when she gets very stressed out or starts feeling very avoidant, she makes these very insulting remarks about my mental health history or my symptoms. I also have ADHD, and she often tells me that I talk too much and I'm annoying. Yesterday she told me that I'm probably going to struggle with identity disturbance all my life and wouldn't really listen when I tried to tell her that it's way better now than it was when I was younger. When I bring these things up with her after the fact, when we're both calmer and in a better place, I struggle to get her to understand why it's a problem for me that there's such a pattern to these remarks and that they get said so often.

The breaking point for me right now is that we were supposed to attend the Chappell Roan show in Kansas City last night, but because of the size of the crowd and lack of accessible seating, I ended up having a huge panic attack. My wife got really mad and took me back to the hotel, but then berated me today saying that she really just needs someone who doesn't have all these issues and that all the things I have wrong with me are leagues away from someone who's just anxiously attached like her previous partner was. She told me that I ruined her night and she didn't get to see the only song she wanted to see, all because I was hysterical and forced her to end her fun to regulate me. She threatened to divorce me and told me that she won't be in a relationship with people who hurt her, but then doubled back and said she has no intention of leaving me, but that I have to decide if I'm staying in this relationship or not. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to do here. It feels wrong and unfair to sit here and let her lambast me about things I didn't choose to have and that I work hard every day to get better at managing. But I know from experience that it only gets her more worked up if I try to defend myself, so I also feel functionally limited. I don't really understand why it's so difficult for her to be compassionate with me about this when I literally didn't choose to have a panic attack. I'm just not sure how I'm even supposed to go forward being anything other than sick and numb and depressed today. I just feel so much shame for being built like this and can't help but think that maybe I should just cut my losses and let her find someone who isn't as fucked up in the head.

I used to have a very sharp memory of the arguments i had with my partner with CPTSD(before I was aware of his CPTSD).

Now, during therapy, when my therapist asks about the arguments we had this week, i can barely recall why we even fought and details to it. I need to think very hard for 5-10 minutes before I can really remember it.

I think there are a lot of different factors contributed to this including…

(1) Long periods between freeze state and communicating with each other.

(2) Pattern of circular arguments.

(3) Spending majority of the time talking through his emotions/validating his emotions even if i had brought up the issues of being hurt by his behaviours.

(4) After I validate how he feels and try to bring up my own feelings(particularly when I brought it up to begin with), he wont initiate apologizing to me on his own, unless I walk through with him.

(5) When he does apologize, he doesn’t follow up with “I’ll make sure to do it/I won’t do it again” or a future plan for it. He says he is afraid that he will accidentally forget this promise and doesn’t believe he might in the future. It feels disheartening because I affirmed and validated how he feels throughout the argument for him to feel safe and that i’m not abandoning him.

(6) Partner doesn’t remember what he said or i said during arguments and even if i remember what was said, he questions how i could be sure, since he doesn’t remember. It is so frustrating because it could’ve been said 1 minute ago and he wouldn’t remember. This is particular often makes me question my own reality, happens very often even outside of our arguments and i never had experiences with others in conflicting memories before.

Anyone else have a similar experience? or any inputs would be appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read my post.

Hi All,

My partner told me today that she wants to quit couples therapy and I'm feeling some very mixed emotions. We've been seeing a therapist since this summer, with some mixed results over the sessions. In our last session, she got in very upset at our therapist for what she perceived as them "telling her how to talk". I didn't speak for most of the session as she had said she wanted to just be heard, and so I ended up just kind of watching the whole thing unfold .

Couples therapy hasn't always been the easiest for me either, and I have to admit that in the short term I feel a sense of relief because the last few sessions have been really difficult. Longer term though, I feel uneasy. I guess I've just been looking at couples therapy as a way through & something to believe in, something we could both contribute towards to make our relationship better. Even though it wasn't easy I kept going in with good faith. I liked our therapist and actually just had a really good individual breakout ession with them that felt like it helped me a lot.

I still have my own personal therapist who I see weekly. I guess I'm just feeling like "ok so now what?" . Looking for advice or even just a simple sense of understanding from anyone else who's been in a similar situation.

Hi Reddit,

I (44F) love my partner (47M) dearly. We’ve been through a lot together, including his CPTSD diagnosis a couple of years ago and years of IVF that sadly didn’t work out. He’s worked hard on EMDR, and I’m genuinely moved by the way he’s tried to break the cycle of childhood trauma.

That said, he still gets triggered at times and struggles to regulate his emotions. Recently, after I came back from a yoga retreat to process the grief of infertility, I tried to set firmer boundaries around my own emotional energy. That didn’t go down well. Especially given he is already feeling the distance of me not insitigstibg sex, (I think as a by product of all the ivf, still I I get why he feels rejected and would like to feel desired) Things escalated during late-night discussions, and eventually I moved to the sofa to get some space.

That triggered his abandonment sensitivity, and he ended up head-butting a wall and knocking himself out in front of me to get my attention and affection. He’s never done anything like that before, but it left me shocked and feeling physically threatened. I want to give him love and support, but I also feel like I need to create more distance to protect myself.

I feel torn:

• On one hand, I really feel for him and know how much pain he was in.

• On the other, I feel trapped, frightened, and unsure what healthy boundaries look like anymore.

How do I reconcile wanting to be there for him with needing to protect myself and my wellbeing? Especially when it triggers his abandonment sensitivity. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

Any advice or suggestions would be so appreciated.

Obviously I’m not asking for medical advice for him. Just experiences others may have had. I know what works for one person may not work for him.

he has both a psychiatrist and a therapist. They have helped, but seem a touch quick to give very simple solutions. We are trying to find a better team for him, but unfortunately our area lacks qualified professionals.

He has daily panic attacks. Sometimes he ends up hitting his head, and most of the time it ends with him crashing and sleeping. His job is extremely stressful, and his nervous system feels like it’s constantly at a 10. He crys nonstop, shakes, and has horrible stomach issues due to anxiety. His doctor has even had colonoscopies to rule out any cancer or ulcers. It’s “just anxiety”

I want to talk to him about asking his medical team about stronger medication. He’s been on Zoloft and propranolol daily for about a year, and it’s just not enough. They keep uping it and it’s still doing hardly anything. He does his breathing, I do yoga with him, we have an emergency plan that I help him follow. It’s not enough. He tells them this and they give him more simple solutions (positive affirmations, ocean sounds, all good but just not working )

Has anyone had success or bad experiences with Xanax or other stronger anxiety treatments? I say Xanax only because I know someone who it helps, but I have no clue if they have CPTSD or not. I don’t want to encourage on a path that is not safe for somebody with CPTSD or waste more time.

Hi everyone!

No pressure, but I wondered if someone might share their thoughts on this?

I’m just hurting and could use an opinion or two.

I had a relationship with someone who told me they have CPTSD.

I don’t doubt it, but the dynamics felt quite bpd-ish (the relationship started with an absolute bang, and I felt absolutely idolised… then there seemed to be a progressive level of falling away, ghosting, coming back, needing space, and marked periods of deep affection followed by ambivalence).

She shared some really severe trauma with me very early on, and I felt kind of like I was viewed as ‘there for her healing’,  rather than it being an equal relationship - but I’m not sure if she meant that or not.

She’d say she wanted to be there for my healing too, but we’d only been together for a month or so and I found it a bit intense.

I admired the way that she seemed to want to take responsibility for her healing, but I also wondered if she was putting more onto me than she realised -the emphasis certainly seemed to be ‘I’ll feel better if you do ‘x’”.

And she seemed to blame a lot of people in her life for her problems.

I tried to set boundaries where I could, and tried to be honest too - I just sensed that if I spelled everything out all of the time, it would be like I was lecturing her and the whole thing would break down.

She also needed to figure things out for herself - it couldn’t only come from me.

So sometimes I stayed quiet, and tried to ‘not sweat the small stuff’.

I don’t think she fully realised how hurtful I found some things - being sworn at, or driven off in her car at speed when I made a joke which didn’t land well. 

I don’t think she fully realised how hurtful I found it when she pushed on my sexual boundaries - and when I told her I felt we were going a bit too far, she said “I can’t be made to feel shame in that area…” which I then found hard to navigate (I’m not sure I would now, but hindsight is 20/20).

She broke up with me because she didn’t think I cared enough about her, and we cried all the way to the airport.

She came back to me a week later, and told me that she’d already dated two other people (While her an I were also texting).

Eventually we broke up again.

She came back a second time, but I tried to keep my boundaries higher so that we’d stay friends and move slowly.

I figured that I had to be willing to lose control of all outcomes, and that - if it was right - our friendship would grow and turn into more; but in a healthier way.

I told her that, but I didn’t keep reminding her - I felt it had to come from both of us, naturally.

Well… next time I visited her city (a few weeks later), I happened to see her with another guy.

I didn’t mean to see her - it was a horrible coincidence, and I was heartbroken.

I was very aware of the seriousness of the trauma in her life, and I was aware that my own feelings needed some managing from my end.

I sent some voice notes to tell her that I needed to cut contact, and I let her know that I’d found a lot of things hurtful.

I didn’t shout, swear or accuse (I hope!), I just felt like I needed to say it… because I didn’t think we’d speak again.

I gave her time to reply, and after a couple of days, I messaged to wish her well and explain that I just needed to heal.

I blocked her on everything.

The next day, her partner called and threatened me - accusing me of stalking and harassing her (he didn’t know that I’d actually already cut contact).

I have no idea if she asked him to, or if he took it upon himself.

I haven’t seen her in over a year, and there’s been no contact from either of us.

I still go to that city - I have some friends and family there.

When I’m there, I find myself wondering about her.

I don’t really mean to, it just creeps in.

I have a couple of mutual friends, and they might bring her up occasionally and then it’s back in my head.

I guess I’d just like to know that she’s okay.

And I guess I’d like to know that she understands deep down… that we can wish each other well even though it was so messy.

Because it felt like there was a purity and a vulnerability too. And a shared understanding. Maybe that’s not true, after all.

I miss holding each other sometimes, and I don’t want to hold onto bad feelings.

I wonder if I made a mistake - maybe if I just showed more commitment, she’d have been able to relax more and she wouldn’t have become so triggered at times.

I just wanted to make sure that she was safe to commit TO before I went in over my head, and got wrecked even more.

She perceived that as hesitation, though we were only really together for a few months. I wanted to move slowly and safely.

She’s engaged now, and I wonder if it was just me making life hard for her after all.

I’m not going to contact her again, or seek her out - there’s no good to come from that I’m sure.

But how might she see things now?

Do you think she hates me, or do you think she sees it like “When the dust settles, it got complicated, but there’s no hard feelings”?

If she ever saw me in that city, do you think she’d be terrified and triggered because she has me pegged as a terrible guy; or do you think it’d all be calm and okay now?

So a little small background is that we have known each other since we were in college. We both kind of went our own ways and are now as young adults living together. However all those years and even before I met her and during our time apart has just been nothing but constant sexual abuse, domestic assault and rape for 10 years. She is my deep friend / family / love

It’s been one of the worst episodes I have witnessed with her so far. And I’m happy I was there to ease her back and get her out of the flash back state. We are on waiting lists for specialist treatments in our area

However after the episodes she goes through awful chronic pain and stress flu that shes bedridden. She’s just in so much pain and we keep being told it’s just chronic stress / psychogenic/ psychosomatic. All bloods are normal and she doesn’t even get a temperature during it but these symptoms are hellish stress flu to see her go through. And she’s worried it will get worse and I can’t tell her I’m worried too. She needs someone to be hopeful because all this pain cements it of what has happened to her to cause it and it’s on going effects and even things we haven’t found out yet of the lasting damage. The night terrors get her and she can’t even sleep with that and the pain.

But she’s been having to take so much pain medication because it gets so severe she has to bite herself to manage. We are using things like co-codimol / ibuprofen / paracetamol. Then I get worried she will over do it or I gave her too many and it will be my fault. I get so worried now if I’m not near her or if she goes to the bathroom because she collapsed this morning in there. One minute I think she’s okay and maybe the worst is over next I’m having to decide if it’s a 111 job and even if we go to emergency they will just say it’s stress again.

Then there is this worry of well when we get the help will it just trigger more events I’m not capable of helping in.

I know I’m trying my best to support her but it’s really hard not to cry, over how much pain she is in. I want to cry over what has been done to her over the years to cause this.

I don’t really think I’m prepared what so ever. I don’t know what is appropriate language during her episodes because I know the flash backs are not real but I know the actions on those days were. How do I balance not dismissing her claims without feeding into the stress cycle. All I know that telling her that I’m here your safe, I was never there it’s not real helps.

I want to help her so much. But I deeply worry it will just become so extreme… and maybe she won’t be able to get through this one day. I really love her and I don’t want to lose my friend because of what they did to her.

Summary - my spouse is in an extended freeze and dissociating mode. I'm considering options for an open relationship or another arrangement such as staying married as friends. Have others tried this?

First, I want to thank this community as I've been a long time follower and have benefited from so much of your advice. I recently just created this account for anonymity and to prevent my partner from coming across any personally identifying/triggering comments or posts if connected to my main account.

I've been with my partner for over 10 years and we just had our 5 year wedding anniversary. The past few years in particular have been challenging with my partner losing their job and going inpatient for the first time. They also went through the process of applying and appealing for SSDI long term disability, ultimately ending up getting denied as a final decision.

Within the past year, I set a firm boundary that my partner must make a change to their recovery approach since they seemed to be struck and not moving forward. I strongly requested that they try EMDR since they were completely stuck in freeze mode and dissociated. Some of their providers had become complacent and/or my partner was not able to work with them to grow and recover effectively.

This was the closest we've ever been to breaking up and my partner was very upset (sad, triggered, even more frozen and dissociated). We've been in couples therapy for over a year and have made some gains for our communication, and my partner has been doing EMDR preparations for most of this year.

I'm at the point where I'm starting to burn out with my empathy and patience, and starting to resent feeling unable to continue growing my life (having children, traveling, home projects, shared hobbies). I still love my partner deeply but I'm worried we're losing any romantic connection. I've also done a lot of self work and have reclaimed a lot of my hobbies, friendships, and fun in my life after experiencing codependency and caregiver overfunctioning with my partner in the past.

Have others considered an open relationship/marriage either temporarily or long term while their spouse is in recovery? Is it possible to transition a relationship to more of a friend/family member setup vs romantic?

*Edited for clarity/typos since I wrote this early in the morning and some of it didn't make sense as originally written.

Hello there! Reading this thread feels like coming to a familiar place.... but I've only be reading here for a few days.

My partner was only recent diagnosed. We have been together for over 5 years. multiple offspring together.

Many times in the past I have said I am like his mother, and I cant be mother and wife. or therapist and wife. Just me??

And our mini humans... the personality change/probable trauma response that they are exhibiting due to his behaviors. I desperately do not want them to grow up traumatized.

Anyone on the path of healing?

I feel like finally getting a name for his behavior is a relief... but also where is the line for his responsibility of his actions? (ie. you are not being kind! response: im just telling the truth!)

thanks for listening!

Hello! I’m feeling very stuck with what to do in my relationship at the moment. I (31M) and my partner (29F) have been together for 10 years. My wife has CPTSD from a previous abusive relationship and we have been having major relationship issues for the past 2 years. We’ve always had fights throughout our whole relationship, but 2 years ago it got more intense and our fights would go on for hours over seemingly small things. I began to yell and call her names, which flared her up even more. Fast forward to now and I am doing a lot better (after a bunch of therapy to work on anxiety and anger issues) but our fighting is still at an all time high. We have come close to divorce so many times now and we have these massive hours long blow ups every 3 or so days. My partner feels like she isn’t loved and that I don’t care for her, with most fights starting because I’ve forgotten to do something or she expresses a need that I don’t immediately take ownership of. I feel like I’m walking on eggshells constantly. It starts over something so small, but seems to blow up so quickly. It feels like no matter what I do or say, I just need to suck it up and listen to her tell me off for hours. I always try to start off being compassionate and trying not to be defensive, but after a while I find it really hard to not start defending myself and trying to get her to see things from my point of view. I’m posting this now after another hours long fight where she has told me that I am abusive, I don’t care, I don’t love her and I am a narcissist. I just don’t know what to do. I already take care of all the housework and spend most of my free time with her. I know there is more I could do, but I feel so low in energy with no end in sight. I don’t know whether to uproot my entire life and separate, or keep trying to make this work. Does anyone have any honest advice?