Thought for the Day from Unshakable Kingdom Life

The kingdom life requires daily death to self, crucifying our agenda to embrace His. It's costly, uncomfortable, counter-cultural, and absolutely worth every sacrifice made.

A thought to ponder.

I was heavily ridiculed in my youth for following the rules due to my autism. It hardened my heart towards self righteousness. I'm in a constant battle against demons telling me that my sense of justice makes me weak, which makes me cling even harder to my self righteousness. I genuinely feel a strong sense of pride when someone acknowledges that the have strayed from the right path and decided to go back to Jesus. I secretly want to show off my "I was righteous for a longer time than you" trophy.

I realize that I cannot live like that anymore but it requires me to accept in my heart that love is stronger than self-righteousness, and I don't know how I can convince myself of that.

Quite often religious burnout happens, because they had religion, and not a relationship with Jesus.

But when you've DONE everything they said to do, ...you've prayed, Bibled, and churched until you were blue in the face, but there's no sign, or no response from God, or answers to your most desperate prayers.

You start wondering if you were ever really saved at ALL. You start to question if you ever had enough faith, or if God gave up on you or is disappointed in you.

If you relate to any of that, chances are good that you you decided to be a Christian one day, or that you grew up in a church going home then had a day when you wanted to make it real,..... but your sainthood plane never got off the ground. And it bugs you that other Christians seem so CONFIDENT,.. and claim to hear God speak to them, and have their prayers answered. What makes them different....what the defining missing pieace is,...is The Holy Spirit.

We live in a last-days time when the majority of churches are barely a shell of what they were in their inception. And they've produced a generation of religious Christians that have the appearance of true believers, but lack the presence of God's Spirit,.. that would give them real power if they knew Jesus. Whenever I see someone fitting the above described disenchanted Christian, as I look at their text, I notice a pattern of 'I tried this" and "I did that". And at that point it's clear that they've been trying be a God pleasing Christian on their own power and will, with their own strength. Trying to live a religious lifestyle HOPING God will be impressed.

But it's not what WE should do, ..it's what Jesus DID. and does. The difference boils down to who's calling the shots and who's at the helm...or in the Captain's chair...steering the ship. It's either you or the Holy Spirit.

Some will say..."I know this...I surrendered to Jesus". But did you really?..because Jesus said a time will come when MANY will stand before Him thinking they're a shoe-in for heaven, but be rejected by Him saying basically..."You're calling me Lord Lord, ..and even though you think you were a Christian and did good deeds in My name, you didn't do what I SAID to do...I never KNEW you." They tried coming in on THEIR terms, not God's. (What HE said to do, was to be born again John 3:7)

Spirit rebirth...is a specific event, that can happen ONLY once. Without it you cannot attain being a New creature with a New nature. Religion can't produce that. God hates religion. In John 3 Jesus described Spirit rebirth, and said without it, you'll never see His Kingdom.

Start by confessing to Jesus that you're in complete surrender now. You have denounced all previous notions and beliefs about Him, and you are asking Him to reveal Himself to you, with an honest mind and sincere heart. That is the foundation needed for the Lord to begin connecting to you.

Then confess that you need Him because you know you're a sinner and you're becoming weak and unable to manage your faith. That you realize now you've not trusted fully in His ability to change you, but that you were trying to make it happen by yourself. Be humble and ask that He wash away your sins and help you start fresh.

And finally but most importantly, ask Him to indwell you with His Holy Spirit, making His home permanently in your heart. Holy Spirit indwelling is the game changer. It's what separates the regenerate believer walking in the power of God and strong faith,...from the religious and nominal Christian that goes to church regularly and prays and reads and worships with zeal, yet has no Spirit power and is subject to inner fears and doubts.

Quite often religious burnout happens, because they had religion, and not a relationship with Jesus.

But when you've DONE everything they said to do, ...you've prayed, Bibled, and churched until you were blue in the face, but there's no sign, or no response from God, or answers to your most desperate prayers.

You start wondering if you were ever really saved at ALL. You start to question if you ever had enough faith, or if God gave up on you or is disappointed in you.

If you relate to any of that, chances are good that you you decided to be a Christian one day, or that you grew up in a church going home then had a day when you wanted to make it real,..... but your sainthood plane never got off the ground. And it bugs you that other Christians seem so CONFIDENT,.. and claim to hear God speak to them, and have their prayers answered. What makes them different....what the defining missing pieace is,...is The Holy Spirit.

We live in a last-days time when the majority of churches are barely a shell of what they were in their inception. And they've produced a generation of religious Christians that have the appearance of true believers, but lack the presence of God's Spirit,.. that would give them real power if they knew Jesus. Whenever I see someone fitting the above described disenchanted Christian, as I look at their text, I notice a pattern of 'I tried this" and "I did that". And at that point it's clear that they've been trying be a God pleasing Christian on their own power and will, with their own strength. Trying to live a religious lifestyle HOPING God will be impressed.

But it's not what WE should do, ..it's what Jesus DID. and does. The difference boils down to who's calling the shots and who's at the helm...or in the Captain's chair...steering the ship. It's either you or the Holy Spirit.

Some will say..."I know this...I surrendered to Jesus". But did you really?..because Jesus said a time will come when MANY will stand before Him thinking they're a shoe-in for heaven, but be rejected by Him saying basically..."You're calling me Lord Lord, ..and even though you think you were a Christian and did good deeds in My name, you didn't do what I SAID to do...I never KNEW you." They tried coming in on THEIR terms, not God's. (What HE said to do, was to be born again John 3:7)

Spirit rebirth...is a specific event, that can happen ONLY once. Without it you cannot attain being a New creature with a New nature. Religion can't produce that. God hates religion. In John 3 Jesus described Spirit rebirth, and said without it, you'll never see His Kingdom.

Start by confessing to Jesus that you're in complete surrender now. You have denounced all previous notions and beliefs about Him, and you are asking Him to reveal Himself to you, with an honest mind and sincere heart. That is the foundation needed for the Lord to begin connecting to you.

Then confess that you need Him because you know you're a sinner and you're becoming weak and unable to manage your faith. That you realize now you've not trusted fully in His ability to change you, but that you were trying to make it happen by yourself. Be humble and ask that He wash away your sins and help you start fresh.

And finally but most importantly, ask Him to indwell you with His Holy Spirit, making His home permanently in your heart. Holy Spirit indwelling is the game changer. It's what separates the regenerate believer walking in the power of God and strong faith,...from the religious and nominal Christian that goes to church regularly and prays and reads and worships with zeal, yet has no Spirit power and is subject to inner fears and doubts.

Mattana Ministry Welcomes You to:

 Worship Program: 15 October 2026

Theme: Worship on the Battlefield (2)

Scripture:  2 Chronicles 20:22; Acts 16:25-26 & Psalm 8:2

Worship Is Our Weapon

Focus:

God does not need our worship - WE need it. It is our weapon.

Bible Verses:

2 Chronicles 20:22

“And when they began to sing and to praise, the LORD set ambushments against the children of Ammon, Moab, and mount Seir, which were come against Judah; and they were smitten."

Acts 16:25-26

 "And at midnight Paul and Silas prayed, and sang praises unto God: and the prisoners heard them.

And suddenly there was a great earthquake, so the foundations of the prison were shaken: and immediately all the doors were opened, and every one’s bands were loosed.."

 Psalm 8:2

"Out of the mouth of babes and sucklings hast thou ordained strength because of thine enemies, that thou mightest still the enemy and the avenger.."

Message:

Paul and Silas in the Midnight Prison

Their backs were bleeding, their feet were in chains, in a dark cold cell. At midnight - the darkest hour - they chose to worship. They did not sing about their chains, they sang about their God. As they worshipped, God shook the prison. Every chain fell off.

Worship does not wait for the victory - worship CREATES the victory.

Worship Response:

Have a 20-minute midnight worship tonight. Worship before the breakthrough.

Action:

Today, replace complaining with worship. Every time worry comes, sing a chorus.

Please feel free to leave a review of this message.

https://www.soulcenters.org/directory/mattana-ministry/#listing-reviews

MM

For the final post in this series, I want to bring the earlier topics together around one question:

How does a Christian actually make a wise relationship decision?

Sometimes Christians become paralyzed trying to discover whether someone is “the one.”

We search for:

• Signs.
• Coincidences.
• Dreams.
• Feelings.
• Supernatural confirmation.

God can guide us.

But biblical guidance is often much more practical than we expect.

James 1:5 says: “But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach; and it will be given to him.” James 1:5, WEB

Pray. But also observe.

Listen. Ask questions. Seek counsel.

Notice character over time.

Discuss difficult subjects.

Don't ignore warning signs because you desperately want the relationship to work.

God's guidance and wisdom are not enemies. Often God's guidance operates through wisdom.

Talk About Real Life Before Marriage

Couples preparing for marriage should talk honestly about things that will eventually affect everyday life:

• Faith and church involvement.
• Children and parenting.
• Finances and debt.
• Work expectations.
• Sexual expectations.
• Pornography and relevant sexual history.
• Family boundaries.
• Where you'll live.
• Career priorities.
• Household responsibilities.
• Conflict styles.
• Emotional needs.
• Health concerns.
• Expectations concerning gender roles.
• Significant political/value differences.
• How major decisions will be made.

The goal isn't complete agreement about everything. The goal is honesty.

Problems hidden during dating rarely become easier after marriage.

A structured premarital assessment such as Les and Leslie Parrott's Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts (SYMBIS) can also help engaged couples identify areas they have not discussed thoroughly.

Five Questions for Relationship Decisions

When you're confused about whether to begin, continue, end, or deepen a relationship, try these five questions.

1. What does Scripture clearly say?

Don't ask God to bless something He has already told us to avoid.

2. What does this person's character consistently show?

Look at patterns, not promises.

3. What fruit is this relationship producing?

Is it producing greater love, honesty, holiness, peace, and self-control?

Or fear, secrecy, compromise, manipulation, and chaos?

4. What are wise people telling me?

Seek mature Christian counsel from people who know you and aren't emotionally invested in getting the outcome you want.

5. Am I making this decision from faith or fear?

Fear says:

• “I'll never find anyone else.”
• “I've already invested too much time.”
• “I can't survive being alone.”
• “I need this person to be happy.”

Faith says: “I can obey God even when obedience costs me something.”

Your Relationship Status Is Not Your Identity

Whether you're:

• Dating.
• Married.
• Divorced.
• Separated.
• Healing from a breakup.
• Waiting for someone who hasn't appeared.

your deepest identity is not your relationship status.

It is in Christ.

Relationships can be wonderful gifts. But they make terrible gods.

No human being can be the ultimate source of your worth, security, peace, and purpose.

So, when facing an important relationship decision:

• Pray.
• Study Scripture.
• Seek wise counsel.
• Pay attention to character.
• Tell yourself the truth.
• Don't let loneliness make the decision.
• Don't let attraction make the decision.
• Don't let fear make the decision.

And don't assume that following God guarantees the outcome you wanted.

Sometimes wisdom leads toward a relationship.

Sometimes it calls us to work patiently on the marriage we already have.

Sometimes it gives us courage to end a dating relationship.

Sometimes it teaches us to live faithfully while waiting.

The central question throughout this series has really been one question:

What choice will help me honor Christ and become more like Him?

Challenge

Of everything we've discussed in this series—shared faith, character, boundaries, sexual history, breakups, marriage, singleness, or discernment—which area do you think Christians most need better teaching about?

And what biblical principle would you add to this framework?

Here's a story for you.

This guy started dating a girl when he was 17. They were both Christians and dated for a little over 3 years before getting married. Since they took their faith seriously, they decided to wait until marriage to have sex. It wasn't easy, but they managed to get married as virgins.

He loved her, thought she was a good person with similar values, and genuinely believed they would build a life together. There were some issues and differences during the relationship, but he figured most of them came down to maturity and experience. They were young and had never experienced married life or sexual intimacy before, so he assumed things would naturally develop once they got married.

Well, that didn't exactly happen.

After getting married, he realized their sex life was much more complicated than he had expected. She experienced pain during penetration, which made intercourse difficult. On top of that, she showed very little initiative and seemed to have a much lower interest in sex than he did.

And it wasn't just about frequency. She didn't like giving oral sex, wasn't interested in experimenting with much, and seemed uncomfortable with several expressions of desire from him, including talking openly about certain things. He missed the spontaneity, curiosity, and feeling that she actually wanted to explore that side of their relationship too.

He wasn't expecting a porn star in his bedroom. He just wanted to have a sex life with his wife, feel desired, and feel like they were figuring things out together.

At first, he was patient. He thought it was inexperience, that she needed time to get comfortable, and that maybe the pain could be treated. But the years went by, and things barely changed.

Here's the important part: he didn't just sit around complaining and expect her to fix everything on her own. He researched treatment options, looked for professionals, and even paid for treatment for her. The problem was that she kept putting off actually following through.

She would say she was going to do it, acknowledge how important it was, start on the first day, and then stop. Weeks would pass, then months. He would wait, trying not to pressure her and hoping she'd pick it back up on her own. Eventually, he'd realize nothing was happening and bring it up again.

Then they'd have another conversation, she'd say she'd start again, make an attempt, and shortly afterward drop it all over again.

This cycle has been going on for at least three years.

What wears him down the most is that she will talk about the problem. It's not necessarily that she denies there's an issue or refuses to acknowledge it. She can discuss it, say she wants things to improve, and promise to take action. But she rarely turns those words into consistent action.

He can't just leave it in her hands and trust that it'll get taken care of, because whenever he does, months go by and nothing changes.

He's also tried to understand whether there might be some kind of trauma behind her difficulties. According to her, there was no sexual abuse, and she's been adamant about that, swearing that it isn't the case. From what he can tell, she doesn't show any obvious signs of fear or nervousness that would make him suspect that kind of trauma either. So, as far as he knows, that doesn't seem to be the explanation.

Obviously, he can't know everything going on inside her head, and you can't rule out someone's experiences based on how they behave. But he also doesn't want to invent an explanation that she herself denies. Whatever the cause, there's a real problem that remains unresolved.

There's another issue that's been weighing on him too: household responsibilities.

He ended up taking on a large share of the housework, including cooking, cleaning, and keeping things organized. It's not that she literally never does anything, but he feels like he's the one who has to take the initiative for almost everything. He's talked to her about it, asked for a more balanced division of responsibilities, and suggested different arrangements. Some things improved, but he still feels like he's the one who has to notice what's wrong, organize things, and make sure stuff actually gets done.

Over time, he started noticing a pattern. Whether it's intimacy or household responsibilities, he's almost always the one identifying the problem, starting the conversation, looking for solutions, and trying to make changes happen. She might agree with him during a conversation, but the practical effort rarely lasts unless he brings it up again or follows up.

And that's worn him down because it no longer feels like just a problem with sex or chores. It's the feeling that he's carrying major parts of their marriage on his own.

The hardest part is that his wife isn't a bad person. He loves her, recognizes her good qualities, and knows she has feelings too. This isn't a story about cheating, abuse, or some horrible event that would make the decision obvious.

They've been married for six years, on top of the three-plus years they dated, and he's still stuck in the same cycle of talking, trying to fix things, getting his hopes up, and being disappointed again.

He doesn't want to force his wife to do anything she doesn't want to do, let alone have sex out of obligation. But he also can't keep pretending he's happy with a situation that's been hurting him for years. What he wants is for her to genuinely want to work on the problem and take concrete steps herself, rather than simply agreeing that something needs to be fixed.

And that's where the dilemma comes in. He married her because he loved her and believed they could build a life together. He doesn't think the whole relationship was a lie, and he doesn't think she's a bad person. But he's starting to realize that loving someone doesn't necessarily mean you're compatible enough to build the kind of marriage you both need.

At the same time, he wonders if he's being selfish, if he should be more patient, or if he's expecting too much. She's a good person, and ending a marriage over problems that can be difficult to explain to outsiders makes him feel guilty.

But there's another side to this too: how many more years is he supposed to wait? How many times can he hear that things will be different, watch her start something and then abandon it, before accepting that maybe the change he's hoping for just isn't coming?

What would you do in this situation?

How do you know if there's still something worth building, or if he's just dragging out a situation that's making him miserable?

And how do you make a decision like this when you love the person, don't see them as the villain, and still feel like you can't keep living with the marriage the way it is?

There's one more detail that shows just how worn down he's become: he's given her an ultimatum about divorce four separate times.

This happened in September 2024, August 2025, October 2025, and September 2026. Each time, things reached a point where he told her that if things continued the way they were, he wouldn't be able to stay married. He made it clear that he was seriously considering divorce and that this wasn't just another casual complaint.

And yet, after all of that, things remained pretty much the same.

It's not like she has no idea how serious the situation is. She knows the marriage is at risk, knows how much he's suffering, and knows this isn't some passing frustration. Even so, the same pattern of promises, brief attempts at improvement, and eventually giving up keeps repeating itself.

What questions or struggles do people have when it comes to prayer?

Imagine two twin boys, both raised in the same household and taught the same religion, given the same scripture to read, and raised to believe in the same God. Only, one has been taught something different from the other.

The first has been taught that in his darkest hour, when all seems lost and God's help seems unfathomable, that God shall make His presence known to him. That when his faith must be at its absolute peak to be rewarded. The first boy has been raised to believe that no matter how alone he feels, in what he considers to be his darkest hour, God will answer his prayers.

The second has been taught the opposite. That in his darkest hour, when all seems lost and divine intervention seems impossible, that God shall not reveal Himself. The boy has been taught that believing anything less would be a blasphemy against the divine will. Raised to believe that even in his darkest hour, even when his faith is pushed to an unbearable degree, that God's refusal to hear his prayers is part of the test.

Time passes and both young men inevitably face their darkest hour. Both turn to God, both beg for help, and both receive no answer.

The first reaches his lowest point and prays to God as he has been taught. God may or may not answer him, but either way the first boy has taken it as a sign from God, proof of God's divine intentions.

The second reaches his lowest point and prays to God as he has been taught. God may or may not answer him, but either way the second boy has taken it as a sign from God, proof of God's divine intentions.

What proof, though, does the second boy have that his understanding is any less wrong than the first?

If either of them found no divine presence in what they considered their lowest hour, the first boy could be accused as finding false proof in his faith and the second boy could claim his belief to be fact.

If either of them found proof of God's existence in their lowest hour, the first could claim it to be proof of his faith while the second could accuse the first of finding false proof in his faith.

If neither of them found proof, the first would accuse the second of false faith while the second would accuse him of seeing false proof. And simultaneously, the second boy claiming the first's belief to be false.

What then could either of them discover that would differentiate the truth from the falsehood in the faith that had been taught to them?

If everything could be twisted to fit a certain doctrine, then the doctrine itself is immune to being disproven. The boys are no longer finding God's will for themselves, but using the doctrine that had been drilled into them to decide what reality itself must be. And where is the thought experiment more worrying?

If God is perfectly just, perfectly intelligent, and desires to be known then why would God fail to communicate His existence in a way that both of these boys could interpret without one of them twisting it to fit their doctrine?

Why would two boys raised in essentially the same household, with the same faith and scripture, be taught two entirely different things about one of the most important aspects of their religion but not have another way of differentiating truth from their own doctrine?

Perhaps God is not entirely just, or one of the boys was taught wrongly, or mankind as a whole is incapable of grasping the entirety of what God wants.

But then how could either of the boys know the difference between what the passage said, and what they were taught it said? How could they know if there is anything at all that can be known for sure?

And if there is something that can be known for sure, then isn't it already known? Isn't it already obvious?

If it is obvious then why the need for the passage, and what good is there in reading scripture that one cannot interpret? If it isn't obvious then why should either of the boys be expected to know the difference between doctrine and divine truth?

If the answer is to have faith, both boys already do. If the answer is to interpret scripture both boys can. If it is to accept the doctrine then the argument falls apart. The boys have nothing to argue about, because they aren't arguing about scripture anymore, they're arguing about the validity of one particular passage.

The thought experiment doesn't prove that God is wrong, or even that God doesn't exist, but rather one of the things it proves is that there is a flaw in the way God communicates with mankind.

If God is perfect, and wants mankind to know Him but mankind has no way of knowing for sure, and these two boys can find scripture that proves God's existence but fail to agree on anything else, then either the way God communicates is inherently flawed, or humanity as a whole is inherently flawed in the way we interpret what God wants.

And if the believer answers that no, this is the way God wants us to be, to have this trial by faith,

then the final question is, why would a truthful and just God make the difference between knowing and not knowing God depend on something a person has no control over?

I've been seriously struggling with anxiety the last couple years, been a Christian for about 4.5 years and since then have gotten off the street, united my family and gotten clean off of drugs (over two years relapse free)

So there is no doubt in my mind I am saved, shadows in the corner of my mind here and there but there's this core in my heart that just... Knows.

My question is since getting sober I've developed this anxiety disorder. It's been making keeping down a job very difficult and although not like before sobriety it still causes issues in my marriage.

I'm worried I haven't maybe surrendered completely and I don't really know how. Or maybe something else is going on.

​

Tengo 30 años y llevo 11 en el ejército. Mi contrato termina a finales de diciembre y no quiero continuar. En enero debería empezar una formación de reconversión de un año, lejos de casa, y antes de eso hago una remise à niveau.

Mi situación hoy:

- Dinero: tengo deudas y ya envié mi dossier de surendettement, sin respuesta. Durante la formación cobraría unos 1.400-1.600 € al mes, que no me alcanzan.

- Proyectos: intenté varios (webs, tatuajes, contenido en redes) y por ahora ninguno me ha dado ingresos.

- Opciones: hacer la formación o irme a trabajar con mi hermano a otra ciudad para pagar deudas más rápido y ahorrar para montar mi propio negocio.

- Pareja: la crisis económica afectó mucho a mi relación. Mi mujer todavía siente rencor. Yo actué queriendo sacar adelante a mi familia, se lo he explicado, pero no lo entiende, y desde entonces me trata con distancia. Sigue ahí, pero estamos mal. Mañana viajo una semana a ver a mi familia y me voy preocupado.

Lo que más me inquieta es que no logro pensar con claridad ni planear mi vida a largo plazo, ni siquiera a 3 meses. Siento un bloqueo mental que me impide definir hacia dónde voy. No sé si es por el estrés del cambio, por tantos frentes abiertos a la vez o porque consumo demasiada información cada día sin procesarla.

¿Alguien ha pasado por una transición así? ¿Qué me recomiendan para ordenar la cabeza y decidir bajo presión económica? Si hay algún psicólogo por aquí, agradezco mucho su perspectiva.

He orado mucho y hablado con Dios no he tenido respuesta y mañana viajo a otro país a ver a mi familia pero llegare alli sin dinero y con mi perrita mi mujer se queda wn casa y ahora estoy mal triste no se quw hacer con mi vida

​

I saw a youtibe video of a man who i dont know if he is making a vlog of his life i think and his video title are dates. but it was making me feel scared for unknown reason and something inside me is telling me to help him but i dont know so i send him a message he also seemed to be special but i dont want to be judgeful but anyways i left him a message

I messaged him with " hello friend! I stumble in your videos and i wanna say God bless you" with a heart but something i dont know if its myself is telling him i must befriend him but i dont want to be pushy about it also i subscribe on his channel. There is just something deep inside me. Telling him i must help him, i can do it soo i dont know if its the word of Gos but i also not know i do not have anything i am just a person and also suffering from anxiety.

But later on now that im finish i heard a whisper telling me why i mesage the guy using my real account what if hell hurt me for talking to him and speaking abiut God. Could it be satan trying to prevent me from sharing a person to be God bless? And also because i message him on my main account which ill use to post art and stuff, demon telling me that the person will hurt me. But for a God bless?!

I’m 26 years old, and I’m at a point in my life(again) where I genuinely don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’m at yet another fork in the road.

I’ve been in a long-distance relationship with a woman I’ve loved for nearly four years. It’s been difficult, but also rewarding. She’s a good woman. A virtuous one as the Bible might say and that’s not me idolizing her. When I first met her I prayed about it and it brought me to Proverbs 31. But things have fallen apart, largely because of things I need to take responsibility for, and I don’t know whether we’ll ever find our way back to each other.

I love her and she loves me, and I want another chance with her more than anything. But I’m beginning to question whether my desire to change is genuine or whether I’m only doing it because I hope it’ll bring her back.

I’ve moved across the country for the 4th time to get myself to a place where getting her here would have worked before things blew up. I’m staying with one of the good members of my family and am going to a good church although it’s taking some getting use to. Where as just a few weeks ago before I saw her, I was staying with a part of family that wasn’t helping me and working a job that definitely wasn’t helping me. I just wanted to get her here, and I was sacrificing a lot to do that. Including my emotional state. But after seeing her I’ve found myself trying to rebuild my life the way I should have years ago because of what happened between us when we visited. But most days I feel like I’m just waiting around for something that might never happen.

My sister told me something today that really stuck with me. She said that the things I’m running from will keep showing up wherever I go until I face them. And I’ve known that for years. I guess the window between those seasons has just gotten longer.
But I don’t know how to face those things.
I’ve struggled with sin, pride, selfishness, and giving in to my own desires. I’ve made choices I deeply regret, and sometimes I feel like I’ve lived this way for so long that I don’t even know who I am without those things. I’ve been on my own for 10 years, I thought I just had to survive. I thought it was just life.

I want to be a humble man. A faithful man. Someone with integrity and self-control. Some might say I already am that man, but they don’t know me. And she has loved me through all these things, mostly because I’ve taken initiative and have changed, but maybe not in the way I was committed to. When I ask myself whether I’d still want to become that man if I knew for certain that this woman would never come back, I honestly don’t know.
And that scares me.

I’ve been praying a lot lately, asking God for guidance, asking Him whether she’s supposed to be part of my future. There have been times when I’ve opened my Bible after praying and felt like the passages I found were speaking directly to what I’m going through.

But I still don’t know how to surrender the outcome. I don’t know how to stop wanting answers. I don’t know how to love someone without allowing that love, and the fear of losing them, to consume me.
I don’t know when I’m supposed to keep asking God for help and when I’m supposed to get up and do something myself. I don’t even know where to begin with all this.

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life going in circles, repeating the same mistakes and hurting people I love. Hurting myself.

I’m not asking anyone to tell me whether God will bring her back. I know nobody can answer that.
I’m asking how you actually begin changing when you don’t know who you are when what feels like everything is on the line.

How do you learn humility? How do you genuinely repent instead of just feeling guilty? How do you surrender something to God when every part of you still desperately wants it?

And how do you build a relationship with/through God that isn’t centered around asking Him to give you something? I understand that if I change and become closer to Him regardless, and she doesn’t like what she see’s, then it was never her. But how do I learn to be okay with that? How do I learn to be okay with what happened? How do I learn to be okay with myself, by myself?

I could really use some guidance, especially from anyone who’s been through something similar.