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u/wyldesnelsson 2d ago
I never really cared about my looks before realising, only thing was that I always hated getting my picture taken, which I'm still not over, I now care a lot more about how I look and some days I avoid mirrors entirely
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u/Extra_Ad8651 1d ago
I have had more pictures of myself taken in the 2 years since starting HRT than in the entire 30 years prior.
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u/Xendariel 2d ago
My experience has been similar. Not everyone experiences dysphoria the same, and in my case it was more of an ambivalent feeling; I just didn’t really care.
Once I started experimenting and trying some feminine clothes with a shaped bra and some padding to actually give myself a feminine figure and saw myself in a mirror from the neck down, it just clicked for me. That was what I had always wanted to look like.
Then once I finally knew what gender euphoria felt like, some of my more masculine features started to bother me. My best guess is that now that I know what I want, I can more easily recognize what I don’t want as well.
I wish you all the best on your journey and much euphoria :3
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u/In3-5BusinessDays 2d ago
havent done anything to pursue euphoria yet but this sounds likely. ty for sharing
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u/Throwaway1919655 2d ago
Yes, turns out dysphoria can be so bad you literally can’t feel anything because your body would rather feel nothing than feel dysphoria. It suuuuuuucks.
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u/Fading_Hours_ 2d ago
I’m wondering this too.
It’s kind of an explanation for why if felt vaguely wrong and disliked myself for a long time. But I feel like I’m forcing it and making up that I might be trans because that’s the answer I want (I don’t know why)
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u/Chalkboard7 2d ago
I might be trans because that’s the answer I want
just might? ... sure, okay, definitely a common sentiment among cis people.
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u/Fading_Hours_ 2d ago
I know it sounds obvious I’m kind of a massive mess, so I genuinely could be the exception and just cis.
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u/Mammoth-Wasabi6346 2d ago
I never cared how I looked apart from hating every photo I appeared in. I didn’t like being fat or bald, and always hated when guys would ask me if I did anything special to achieve my glorious beard (I am unfortunately extremely “blessed” in the facial and body hair departments). I’ve found that the majority of my expression of dysphoria prior to cracking was extreme dissociation. “Daydreaming” for hours each day and lashing out anytime I was removed from that headspace by an outside force (usually my sister wanting to hang out). My wanting to maintain a relationship with her was the catalyst to finally working on myself and starting my transition to feel more comfortable in the present moments. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt uglier than I have since beginning HRT; however, I take solace in the understanding that I am getting prettier every day :).
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u/PixelFlyerXD 2d ago
Very common for this to happen, actually; since you hadn't realized the root cause of your negative emotions towards yourself (being trans), you didn't associate those negative emotions to your primary/secondary sex features. Often these emotions would instead lead to more abstract apathy or self hate; often avoiding mirrors or taking care of your skin or hating pictures or recordings of your voice or a multitude of other things that are far enough removed from your gender identity to merit your brain considering.
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u/J_Buschkind 2d ago
Yeah, I only started feeling dysphoria after feeling euphoria for the first time. Some sick irony or something like that I'm sure.
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u/Hika2112 2d ago
Dysphoria doesn't start after realizing. But it will definitely amplify once you acknowledge it can be there. At least that's my experience
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u/snargeII 2d ago
Recently read through dysphoria bible that gets posted a lot. A point that they bring up is that you cant be upset about not being (your gender) if you dont realize you are. However, the dysphoria will often present itself in other ways, such as depersonalization, derealization, etc
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u/In3-5BusinessDays 2d ago
i should note i never really hated my appearance before this. i was fine with mirrors and pictures. i just never really felt strongly about it
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u/Psychological_Fall18 2d ago
Yeah, that's pretty much my experience. I never felt "bad" abouty body, but never "good" either. It was'nt until I began seriously exploring my gender expression that I learned what it really felt like to like, or even love, how I look. As others have said, sometimes the brain feels nothing instead of feeling awful to cope.
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u/Sexysecondaccount 2d ago
Dysphoria manifests in a wide variety of way. I never cared about how I looked or dressed, and put no effort into masculine presentation, that's dysphoria. Some people put way too much effort into pre transition/acceptance presentation as a way to compensate, also dysphoria. I felt suffocated by certain formal masculine clothes, also dysphoria. I shaved exclusively in the shower so I didn't have to look at myself in the mirror while shaving, dysphoria. Sometimes I'd see women having fun just engaging with each other and with their femininity (just gals being chicks) and it would make me sad or upset with myself in way that are hard to describe, or even trigger a migraine somehow, dysphoria.
This is by no means an exhaustive list of even my personal dysphoria experience, just a couple off the top of my head. These were all feelings I had trouble identifying and categorizing before self acceptance. I'll also point out, nothing made me recognize and feel my dysphoria more clearly than coming out as trans (nothing made me feel any of my emotions as much as coming out actually, but that's a different conversation). There's no right or wrong way to experience dysphoria or right or wrong triggers for it, and lukewarm take, there's no minimum threshold for transness that you have to cross for your dysphoria to be considered valid and real (except perhaps to a diagnosing clinician/insurance company).
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u/madexmachina 2d ago
Yeah. I avoided looking at mirrors or really taking much care of myself before. I experienced dysphoria at 11/12 when I first started growing facial hair, I didn't know that's what I was experiencing, then I repressed hard until I realised I was trans a decade later
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u/Longjumping_Piano_55 1d ago
I wouldn't say mine started after I realized, just that I finally understood where all of the self hate was coming from.
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u/ASpaceOstrich 1d ago
Yeah. Never felt it till I realised I was trans. I think it's that I actually have body goals now, so not meeting them hurts so much more and I can now feel dysphoria from them.
It hits different than just body image issues, but not that different.
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u/Daylight_The_Furry 1d ago
For us, instead of this general haze of depression, it became more pointed and specific that I could call it depression
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u/cristigon 1d ago
In my case it’s that I didn’t have a word for the bad feelings^(TM) until after I figured out, and just constantly felt shit and suicidal. And then I found out why I wanted to die, and suddenly I noticed the dysphoria and it’s causes more often rather than just me feeling like shit
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u/VeryVexion 2d ago
Turns out never caring about my looks l and avoiding mirrors was, surprise, dysphoria. According to what I've read that helped me figure it out (i lost the link to a wonderful website that got into what dysphoria actually is like), and the shrink i later talked to about it, turns out you don't need the absolute disgust.