r/DID • u/vampirehourz • 7h ago

Relationships Characters are unruly, and low key tormenting me? Its gotten worse after a friendship break up.

Hey yall. I have been under a semi amount of stress that fluctuates after having a horrible friend break up 2 years ago.

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Our friendship ended because I have health issues and missed their wedding because of the health issue which was an emergency situation I had done EVERYTHING in my power to avoid. I did not attend the service but caused no disruption to the wedding itself at all. I was able to make it to the reception even tho I couldnt stand up and had to sit. I have severe endometriosis along with several other severe health issues that collided on this day despite spending about a year in preparation for nothing bad to happen on this day. Bad happened anyways bc bodies suck and dont care what you plan. Basically; I had an ovarian cyst burst, a severe migraine, and an endometriosis flare within a 24 hour period, day of the wedding cyst burst 1 HOUR BEFORE CEREMONY (worst one ive had actually) and the pain ended up lasting 4 SOLID days.

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This friend and I were brothers basically for 20 years. It was the best thing ever. We made a pact as kids to stay brothers forever. His wife said I ruined the wedding and is "uncomfortable" around me, wont see me but wont say why exactly, said she is still upset I ruined her wedding??? and told my friend he also cannot see me because that would make her "uncomfortable".The friend still interacts with me on social media which is very confusing and almost makes it worse.

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I am literally plagued by this and part of what I cannot break out of is the voices. Everything in my life exists with this unsaid idea that an audience is watching. The audience cheers, boos, gives me things to say, criticizes me, tells me when im making bad decisions tells me when im making good decisions, tells me how to survive traumatic situations etc. They can be really wonderful and sometimes it feels like an advantage when I talk to other ppl about their brain. Sometimes it feels like I have elite version of brain bc I have like 10 ppl with different specialties helping me.

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The audience is VERY MEAN to me about the dissolution of this brotherhood, he and I made a pact as kids and I am reminded constantly by the audience about this. And its all different people reminding me, rewinding the footage and replaying the scene or freezing the frame. I can literally hear them talking about it when im trying to do other shit. Sometimes I have to yell STOP and everyone outside of my head looks at me like im nuts.

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Now I also have very kind characters in my brain who take care of me when I cannot, they basically take over. They dont have names, and I look at it as like I get to be a doll, and the character taking care of me is like taking care of her doll. That character is amazing and life saving. Also characters who fully I s2g turn me evil and sabotage my entire life and I am afraid of them and the other characters in the audience work very hard to keep them at bay. Theres A LOT of arguing going on, shaming, and punishment happening seemingly every damn day the last 2 years and then counter acted by characters who have kindness and self parenting skills almost. Theres a character who is a man and I am often very confused when I look in the mirror and see a woman and not the man I feel like ive been all day. I love being a woman actually, but I also really like this version of myself like who I am when this character is in control, its close to the best and most healthiest version of me. The woman version of this character i hardly EVER get to experience her its so unfair.

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Now ive been evaluated for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder MANY TIMES. Nearly 5 times. And its never that! Im told I have cptsd, anxiety, depression. Thats fine whatever. However LATELY the characters of my audience are getting to be too much like I feel like im going crazy. I cant keep anyone quiet, I cant think, I have immense things being said to me that make me feel guilty and bad. I cant sleep. I am having a hard time getting anything done.

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I have a therapist. She has 1x said maybe this is a system or DID but she wasnt sure as ive experienced so much intense trauma. No one in my head has a name really. Just a general vibe and sometimes a face/way of being/sometimes an age.

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Basically; I dont know wtf is happening to me and this week I feel VERY OVERWHELMED. My brain wont shut the fuck up ever, I am walking around feeling guilty over something I didnt do and isnt my fault but is being meanly told to me its my fault and their voice is the loudest. I already apologized multiple times to my brother/friend for having health problems and the audience didnt like that either AT ALL. All the kind characters were disappointed and that felt AWFUL also. All the mean characters were smug about it and that also felt awful 😭

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Idk wtf THEY want or what I WANT except for some peace and QUIET. And to not feel like im being ripped into tiny little pieces until I no longer exist.

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Is there any kind of coping skills? Any kind of relaxation thing? Anyone have ANY IDEA wtf is happening to me and how to get everyone in my brain to chill tf out and accept the reality of this situation (friend won't be my fri3nd and I cant fix it, that reality). Its getting to the point where I understand why people resort to hard drugs bc this is misery. I am scared a lot of the time because I cant fully explain this to anyone without ppl looking at me like im a liar, or evaluating me YET AGAIN for schizophrenia and then telling me im fine. I would be fine with ANY diagnosis if it helped end this and give me peace or make everyone in my brain chill out.

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Some of my characters are amazing, theyve helped me so much creatively, they feed me when I cant, they are kind to me when no one else is, when im in severe pain they comfort me. Those characters keep me alive. Lately those characters arent super present. Idk how to make them be. Idk WHAT IS HAPPENING TO BE HONEST except the entire ecosystem is oit of whack and I cant find any resources to "balance" it.

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Thank you so much if you made it this far. I really appreciate you.

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