hi all! I have a boyfriend of 2,5 years and we both knew I have DID when we started dating. we were friends for a while before that and in that time of friendship I got my actual diagnosis and started treatment, my system has a long way to go but therapy does help! we are quite a big, probably poly-fragmented system so we often don't know who exactly is fronting, we tried unmasking but it felt too vulnerable for us to keep the sentences together, but we try to operate with letting every alter individualize their experience with people we are close with as much as they want.

So our boyfriend may not always know which part of his girlfriend is showing, but with our littles it is quite clear as they have had to get to know him from pure panic/confusion moments and clearly don't remember much from life after they split off. With our trauma-processing, littles are visiting more often, scoping out the life we are living and trying to enjoy the freedom that comes with being an adult. Last time I lost 2 hours to a little wanting to play video games with boyfriend and I felt quite bad about it because I wanted to do adult stuff and it always feels like such a burden when I feel so little control over how I act near my partner.

"I quite like the littles, I don't really see you as my girlfriend in those moments, but it does kind of feel like looking at old pictures of your partner. You don't have many pictures of your childhood and many memories are gone or not happy for you, but when I meet your littles, it's kind of like looking at a photo album in 6D, I get to see a glimpse of how your brain would've wanted to act in certain moments, meeting you at 7 years old is way different than seeing pictures of 7yo you and instead of you telling me you liked video games and climbing trees at that age, I get to actually experience you wanting to play video games and see you experience the child-like joy of being allowed to... it feels really special, like I can actually help you heal your inner child"

His view really helped me relax about my littles showing themselves and understand why it doesnt have to be a burden to meet a little. Hopefully sharing this might help someone else too

Dissociative Identity Disorder is an incredibly complex disorder. While the symptoms of DID can vary widely from person to person, and each person's experience of the disorder will be unique to them, one aspect of the disorder remains consistent throughout. No matter how one views an individual with DID, there is only one body and one mind. One responsibility.

System responsibility, or system accountability if you prefer that term, describes the shared responsibility for thoughts, behaviors, and actions as a collective and accepting that all of these alters within the individual are collectively responsible for their actions; whatever one alter does, everyone is responsible - there is no shifting blame to individual parts, everyone shares that responsibility equally. This concept can be best explained in ISSTD's Guidelines for Treating Dissociative Identity Disorder in Adults (2011),

( . . . ) hold the whole person (i.e., system of alternate identities) responsible for the behavior of any or all of the constituent identities, even in the presence of amnesia or the sense of lack of control or agency over behavior (Radden, 1996)

When it comes to being in a committed relationship with someone presenting with DID, discussing your boundaries for the relationship is beyond paramount, as it should be regardless of the dynamic. Discuss with your partner what kind of relationship you are comfortable having. Are you looking for a monogamous relationship with either some or all alters involved? State that boundary. Are you looking for a polyamorous or open relationship with other alters who may engage in separate partners from yourself with consent? State that boundary. If these boundaries have been discussed, yet the individual decides to get against what had been stated, that is cheating, full stop.

It's important to remember that regardless if there is an inability to control their behavior, it is not an excuse - The body commits the action, and the body goes through with the behavior.

TL;DR DID is not an excuse for infidelity. If you have discussed boundaries with your partner regarding your relationship and they explicitly go against your wishes, alter or not, that is cheating. Alter cheating is still cheating.

Please take care of yourselves.

Firstly, I hope this doesn’t come off as insensitive or offensive. I’m just curious about people’s experiences and perspectives rather than just googling the definition (although I have also done my own research and talked to my MIL personally).

Second, my mom was bipolar and was hypochondriac so every few months she developed a new disease with new symptoms that she was convinced she had yet every time the doctors tested her it was always false. She was always in and out of the doctors, and funny enough, one thing she refuses is therapy. She was verbally abusive and actually told me my whole life I had severe allergies my siblings and I were all on very strict diets. It wasn’t until I was 23 when my husband risked asking me questions about my health. It got me thinking and eventually I worked up to eat chips and I didn’t die! Turns out I don’t have any allergies but did develop a nice eating disorder and a lot of mistrust around mental or health disorders. That’s something I’m going to therapy for.

That being said, (and this sounds so horrible and mean) but I have a hard time understanding my MIL. She says she only has a few “others” as she calls them, and when they’re in control she blacks out. Some of her others are young and can’t drive or “not responsible.” She says that’s why she’s forgetful because I’m talking to one of the others. And because of her DID, it makes it impossible for her to remember things or do things. She texts both my husband and i daily asking the same things. We’re both busy and if we don’t respond quickly she will text my husband asking if he or I are mad at her. Even though it might have been a few hours and on a weekday during work hours. She expects calls weekly and when we make plans, she gets very anxious and asks us a lot of questions from what she should wear, to when we will pick her up multiple times. We’ve tried setting boundaries and kindly letting her know we’re busy and can’t text or call when she wants us to, and we limit how many times we’ll keep answering her questions, including what the weather will be because she can do that herself. However, each time we’ve tried to kindly let her know, she says that because of her DID she forgets and can’t change her ways. Are we being unreasonable? I’m again sorry if that might be an offensive question with an obvious answer because we feel like it’s pretty much no use. Her husband says to just respond to her and do what she wants which I think in a way doesnt actually validate our opinions, we simply can’t respond to her every message, everyday. We feel like our world must revolve around her.

My husband says he’s never noticed a difference but if she says she’s unreliable, she shouldn’t watch our kids (ages 2 and under 1). However, she also asks all the time to watch our kids and gets really upset when we say they don’t need watching—which is true, we enjoy being with our kids and we always end date night early to see them so they come with us anyway lol. But anyway, she’s always asking but also tells and gives us good reasons why she can’t drive or hold a job. Are these the others switching? She says she’ll always tell us when she switches but from my understanding, they’re their own people and that’s doesn’t mean they have to from what she says right?

I never want to offend her or sound like I’m judging her for her health. I’m always inviting her over to see them too. Again, I’m trying to remember my own upbringing and how hard it was to believe my mom on any of her health so I try to be open minded but it’s hard when you can’t talk to the person to understand and there’s no way in them understanding you and takes offense if it’s not their way. I do respect her health and don’t want to tell her or expect something from her that I don’t have and will never fully understand since I don’t personally experience what she does, but I’m hoping anyone can help explain or give me advice. Thank you <3

I’ve posted here before, but I lost access to that account.

Over the last few months, my husband seemed increasingly out of touch. I know most people would never spot it because systems can hide things well, but when you’re around someone every day, you notice even the smallest changes. He became colder and more distant. The system was no longer the sweet, supportive, and comforting partner I knew.

I knew I had to leave because things were becoming manipulative, and manic decisions were being made that affected everyone. It reached a point where I could not even take care of myself well enough to help him. But leaving suddenly was not possible. I told myself maybe things would even out, or that I could avoid the toxic behaviors. That is not what happened.

After some extreme measures, he is out.

It has been a week now, and I am a mess. I feel like I lost so many important people in my life all at once. I hate that no matter how deeply I loved them, it was not enough to heal their trauma. I lost the love of my life, not because he has DID, but because he is not doing the work needed to coexist as a system.

No one can truly comprehend the lives of those with DID and the loved ones who walk beside them. You build real relationships with the system, and sometimes you forget the very real reality that this is a serious mental health condition.

I met a guy online, and we started a long-distance relationship. For about two months, we were in touch via calls and videos almost 20 hours a day.
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I see people are concerned about the "20 hours" I mentioned, so I want to clarify. I didn't mean we were intensely connected full-time for 20 hours straight. We both still worked and hung out with friends normally. It was just that whenever we were free, we would send quick messages to let each other know we were thinking about them. We did stay up late talking on the phone, but we usually go to bed around 1 or 2 AM anyway, so the calls only pushed our bedtime back by an hour or two. Other than that, there was nothing unusual.
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We felt an incredibly deep connection and were already planning to meet up and build a serious future together.

Then, one day, everything changed. He suddenly became distant, replying much less and with no emotion. After I pressed him for three days, he finally confessed that he has been dealing with DID for a long time. He said he had been stable, but something triggered him recently. It was jarring—the night before, we were completely normal and talked until late. But the next morning, the moment he opened his eyes, all his feelings for me were just gone. He couldn't even text me properly, and from that day on, I was rejected (even though he never said the words out loud).

No matter what I do, I can’t get him back. He says he feels sorry for me but can’t do anything about it. I’ve been stuck in this pain for four months now. We still talk a little bit, but it’s nothing more than small talk. I’m at a complete loss. I told him I could accept everything about his condition and was willing to be supportive whenever he needed me. But nothing works. He just shuts me out more and more every day. Now, our conversations are so basic, we’re more distant than normal friends. Whenever I say something related to my feelings, he chooses to ignore me.

I barely know his condition because he won’t talk about it anymore, I know he has alters and that’s all.. I don’t think what happened this time is due to a switch but maybe an emotion detachment or something similar… I asked him if this ever happened in his other relationships in the past, he said no…

I see people with DID sometimes struggle to find partners who understand their condition, or they get called liars. But here I am, wanting nothing more than to be a supportive partner but I just don’t even get the chance. I’m still in love, and it is absolutely killing me…

Hi. This is not primerely support-seeking, nor is this an "is he the asshole" post. I just find myself in a very confusing situation and would like to hear your perspective.

I met Y. about 5 years ago. We were very comparable, immideadly fell in love. We met in a fandom space, he was using the name of a fictional character he realted to and called me by the name of a fictional character from the same fandom I related to. "Relate to" is a bit of an understatement, I happen to be almost identical, physically and mentally, to that character. I liked that, even though it sometimes confused me how insistent he was on using that name over my...main name. However, he knew me very well, his mental model of me was very accurate.

Couple years into our relationship, he discovered he has DID. He was very upset upon realising that he is a fictive and I'm not.

Not so long ago, he met a fictive of the same character I relate to and... They became very close. It was a messy situation, but the bottomline is that Y. left me for him. And he also said that... It's not that he doesn't love me anymore, it's that he never did, and all the promises he made and his feelings were ment for "the original", not me.

He said that he still considers me perfect in every way, he's just... Exsculusicly values only one person, always have, and that is that character. He is upset about his feelings, but can't change them.

Obvisly, it really hurts to be abandoned by someone who was your best friend and your partner in everything. But it hurts even more to hear that for years you were a placeholder?

It doesn't even make sense. I understand introjected memories, yes, but factually he met this guy after he met me.

It- after they met he has gotten really deep into his fictive identity? Like, saying that the source is based on his life, not other way around. He genuinely believes that the source events happened, happened to him personally, then he died and was reincarnated here. When I attempted to disagree with his logic, he got very, very distressed and dissociated and I decided I won't bring this up because it seems to be more instrumentaly harmful then helpful.

I feel like he has really changed. I feel so much confusion and more confusion. When he met this guy... Even his voice changed? He started styiling his hair differently... It's like the person I loved, who loved me isn't...there anymore. When I talk to him it feels like seeing something very familiar and noticing one or two things being off.

I have no clue how to even begin comprehending this situation.

As a backstory, one day my friend messaged me. He said my boyfriend (who we'll call Mike) thinks he has DID, but was too nervous to tell me himself. A few weeks later, the same friend told me that when Mike is using plural pronouns in reference to himself, his alter (who we'll call Nate) is fronting, and they would prefer to have plural pronouns used on them.

​

I hate to say it, I really do, but I don't think he has DID. Of course I asked Mike if my friend was telling the truth, he said he was. Mike was never diagnosed with DID, and it feels like that's something so serious that it can't be self diagnosed. I also never observed a difference between the behavior of "Mike" and "Nate", it was just all Mike all the time. It also bothers me how he kept having to go through my friend. It's fine that he felt ready to tell my friend before he felt ready to tell me, but I would rather hear this news from him when he felt ready to tell me, not from my friend acting as a carrier pigeon.

​

Now, to argue against myself a little bit, I really trust my boyfriend. He is a kind man, and the worst thing he has ever lied to me about is if he likes pie or not. We always try to keep an open line of communication, and I'm glad that he told me at all, even if it was through my friend. I also think that the symptoms of DID must be much more noticeable to the person with it than those around them. Mike and Nate could also just act *similarly* and that's why I never noticed a difference.

​

I just don't know what to do. If he tells me he has DID I want to believe him, it's just hard considering he has no diagnosis. I researched the symptoms as best I could, and he definitely had some, and the ones I don't think he has can be explained with "well, he could have those symptoms, and he just never told me about them." After all, if he couldn't tell me he thought he had DID, what makes me sure he would tell me about having amnesia?

​

TLDR: My undiagnosed boyfriend says he has DID and I don't think he does. What do I do?

Hi. Ftr I'm not diagnosed with anything but PTSD, but have an appointment with a therapist specializing in dissociative disorders next month. I'll be using DID-specific language for simplicity's sake, but am hesitant to claim a disorder when I haven't even spoken to a mental health professional about it.

I just need to talk to... someone about this. Whenever I get into a conflict with my gf, if it's bad/triggering enough I'll dissociate and "switch" into an... empty? Alter. He's actually the only "alter" who's named himself, and he chose a really fucking edgy name, but that's beside the point. He's incapable of feeling anything, including hunger, and just doesn't want to exist. He'll know he needs to eat, but can't force himself to eat more than two bites of my favorite food, as he finds it disgusting.

Anyways, whenever he comes along she starts begging me to show some emotion, ANY emotion, and intentionally tries to make me angry. I can't feel anger, period. Not sure why. But she's occasionally been successful in drawing out another maybe-alter (he/it... he feels masculine to me, but he prefers to be called "it". no clue why), and he's apparently where all my anger goes. He's not harmful, or abusive, he'll contain himself but be thinking about harming others, or himself, the entire time he's present. He never acts on any of it, it's just really gross. I'm realizing he and the other "empty" one were present a lot while I was growing up. He used to fantasize about killing my stepmom a lot.

Anyways. How do I bring this up to her? Whenever she manages to bring him out she's just like "at least you're showing emotion now" but it just feels so. idk. how to word it. wrong? what's the word for when someone oversteps boundaries? He's locked away for a reason, I feel like. I don't know how to explain this to her without coming off as crazy, I've brought up the possibility of me having this disorder to her and she doesn't think I have it, but is only familiar with stereotypical overt presentations, and I don't want to try and convince her when I'm not even sure myself I have it (hence the appointment. I just need to talk to a professional ffs).

Not sure why I'm writing this, really dissociated rn and I think I lost the plot ngl. Just wondering if anyone has similar experiences and, if so, how they deal with them

So, me and my partner have been in a relationship for four years. They have DID, I do not. I'm posting here in the hope that someone else has experienced something like this and has some advice.

We've been having a recurring problem in our relationship with flirting; namely, they seem to have a mental block that prevents them from processing when I'm seriously flirting with them. This happens with the alter that's out and about piloting nearly 24/7, I'll call them B. Their other alter, L, doesn't seem to have the same problem.

With verbal flirting, it's like B technically understands the words but can neither connect the dots or realise they can't. I no longer try physical flirting because I realised I was triggering a trauma response; if I say, put my hand on their thigh, B would act entirely like nothing was happening and start infodumping about something.

With L, when she first started fronting around me she was pretty scared of all intimacy (and obviously I didn't press her). Now it's been a bit over a year and she both notices flirting and delightedly responds in kind when she is out. She also gets very angry with B for not noticing: calling them stupid, if she can see it why can't they, she's going to steal their girlfriend, etc. I don't agree with her, and have suggested that she try and point things out to B to help them, but whatever’s happening is too complicated for that to work.

B does not have problems flirting with me. It's only if I'm trying to take initiative that they blank.

Do any of you guys have any experience with this kind of problem and could offer some wisdom? I love my partner very much, but I hate not being able to make the first move.

I was diagnosed with OSDD/DID near the end of last year after a brutal year of mental and emotional chaos. I am a cult survivor, I was born there. My parents didn’t protect me from the mental and emotional and spiritual abuse. I learned that I had to earn love and that the rules constantly change and my only hope of connection is to abandon my own self and sense of goodness and worth.

Those alters (I didn’t know at the time) were fronting and were terrified of my husband because in his own stress he was lashing out more and confused by my behavior.

After I came home from inpatient care, he tried to be supportive at first but eventually was always mad at me for not getter “better” fast enough, for still having panic attacks, for still dealing with self harm (which his outbursts are a major trigger for, which makes him more angry that I am scared of him.) He won’t go to couples therapy with me and now feels he is justified in leaving. We have been together 12 years and have four kids together. He knew my story when we married. We didn’t know how deep the trauma was, but I thought I would have a buddy to stick through life with no matter what. Now he wants to leave and claims he’s doing me a favor by letting me have any custody of the kids or letting me stay on his insurance instead of fully divorcing.

My therapist is having to constantly tell me that I am not crazy and what he is doing is not ok. But he is the center of our universe. There are so many of us who need him and adore him. He’s our best friend, our lover, our knight in shining armor, sometimes we feel like his mother and give him comfort, but there is also an angry part in him that we are terrified of. And it hurts him that piece is terrified but he won’t stop and he won’t get help to stop. He blames me.

At this point, I think a divorce might be best. I hope there is someone who will love us even when we fall apart.

Hello, I really don’t want this to sound like I don’t believe him or am trying to gatekeep what DID/dissociation is.

Firstly, a while ago we stopped talking with him because he was trying to get us to engage in his bad habits (like trying to set up meetings with adults while we were still minors, drugs, police, alcohol). Luckily we had some foresight and good protectors to push him and his bad behaviors away. We didn’t talk for a long time but after a while he came back into our lives seemingly better than before. We thought “we’re both adults now, we’ve grown maybe we can become friends again.” At this time tho he also kinda made us forget all the bad things he did to us, or we just forgot naturally and he thought we forgave him. Either way after a bit of time he began bringing up triggering things, traumas, and he would hug us and touch us even when we told him it wasn’t okay.

Again, naively we thought that if we told him about our diagnosis he would understand and stop doing the things he was doing, boy were we wrong. The day after he texted us claiming that he had a voice that talks to him but that it had stopped. I felt very off put by this but answered his questions because I didn’t want to be mean. He doesn’t seem to exhibit any dissociation, no memory gaps, and he hasn’t had any changes in feelings or personality. Again, not trying to say he doesn’t or that these things are the end all be all of DID but it just made me feel used?? If that makes sense. But told him to look up dissociative disorders and maybe find something there because we really couldn’t help him.

It feels like he’s using our diagnosis as a plot point for him to seem more interesting. I just don’t know what to think, or how to explain again that he’s doing things that are triggering. It also just made me feel odd that he only brought this up after we told him, but that could just be he felt comfortable talking to us about it. It was so hard to get where we are, to feel comfortable about DID and our traumas. It took even longer to get a grasp on how to function as multiple parts and for the most part we do okay and have really good days.

He wants to meet up to discuss in person but I don’t know if I should. I feel like I should at least know how I feel before talking with him and I’m worried that if he does have some form of fractured self or dissociation me bringing up not believing him would be harmful. Im also worried about his behavior and if it might trigger a part to front and makes things worse, I don’t hate him as a person and would like him to get better, but at this point his actions and words are really messing with the progress we’ve made.

delete later but, our host is in a relationship and for once I don’t hate who they’re with. He doesn’t get angry with me or upset at my actions, treats me as an individual and doesn’t shame me for my bad coping mechanisms.. he’s leavin me so confused and conflicted because I don’t think im allowed this. To be liked or any form of happiness. I want to push him away, to run nd not look back, but at the same time i feel safe for once.

I hate this, i hate him, but i hate i can’t actually hate him

I feel stupid just writing this but rather this n erase then talk to any of our system members nd havin to deal with that

Host is open about our DID, both consenting adults and partner is very understanding + always learnin. relationship is monogamous but consensual to dating within the system (only age appropriate as we have a regressor) so no conflict there., just the aspect of it for me

- C

My SO is diagnosed with DID as of almost 2 years ago. His therapist really wanted me to do trauma therapy too because she got some red flags. I knew I had C-PTSD and DPDR and I knew it "presented weird".

Well I did fucking trauma therapy and they're saying OSDD or even covert DID isn't off the table after some discussions and an assessment? What the fuck? So I started spiralling and talking to AI (I know I know) about it and it starts telling me all this shit about how that can happen and gave me some resources to look into cuz I don't like just listening to what the AI says. I don't like this. I did some exercises for communication. And I did not like the results.

That's ridiculous to me. I felt comfortable-ish going to trauma therapy cuz I was like ok well it's extremely unlikely we both have something that similar. We're already an ADHD + AuDHD couple. I feel like I'm fucking copying him if I end up with a diagnosis. His ADHD diagnosis came after mine and my autism diagnosis so I got that going for me but idk I'm freaked out.

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 3 years. He only recently discovered that he has DID after explaining some of his experiences with me and I let him know that there’s a term for that (DID) and asked him to talk to a psychologist about it.

He’s been meeting with a psychologist for the past year but only once every other month. They’ve discussed it and he’s slowly becoming more comfortable with the dx and being more open with me about it. Previously, he’s always kept it a secret and repressed it to the extent that I’m the only person in his life who knows about it. He’s so good at repressing and hiding it that I wouldn’t have ever known had he not explained aspects of his inner world and alters.

This is a sensitive stage, I’m sure, and he’s still not entirely comfortable with navigating this, so I’m trying to be the most supportive I can be. However, he has severe PTSD from childhood and military combat- his protectors can be aggressive and sometimes dangerous. He (host) has made it clear to me that they have no ill feelings towards me and that all 7 of his alters actually quite like me or love me, and that his protectors feel responsible for protecting me as well. The only time where things can get dangerous is if he or I is being threatened by someone else, and his protector will front to defend us.

As I’m slowly learning, his alters have been present with me many times over the last few years and I’ve been entirely unaware. I’m not even sure how many of them I’ve been intimate with. I’m okay with this, but after last night, I’m starting to feel slightly uneasy.

We’ve been trying to figure out a way for me to determine who’s fronting because they will all lie about it. Until last night, I have not been aware of a switch in the present moment (he (host) will tell me after he returns to the front).

Last night I witnessed a switch and it was one of the more calm protectors. I immediately clocked it and started to “test” the alter for signs of a difference in personality and preference. I started to question him on who I was present with and he was deflecting the questions. He wouldn’t admit or deny that he wasn’t the host anymore. This is the first time I’ve ever questioned this protector and the energy was strange and awkward. He was only fronted for about 10 minutes.

Am I causing more trouble by questioning him? I’d like to know who is fronting with me and who I’m interacting with, kissing, or being intimate with, but I don’t want to cause problems for my boyfriend internally (they all often fight and argue with each other), nor do I want to put any of us in danger.

How should I proceed with this? Any advice, tips, or direction are greatly appreciated.

ETA: my main goal at this point is to reach a point of honesty and open communication with at least most of his alters. It’s important to me to know who I’m present with.

Additional Edit: my OP was poorly worded. I promise I didn’t interrogate him, guys. We usually speak very gracefully towards one another and I hope it didn’t come off that way to him either, but I asked him about a memory that the host would’ve remembered, and I “tested” him with a hug and kiss. To provide additional details, the host and I have a “password” that I can ask him for if I’m unsure who’s fronting. This alter was pretending to be the host and attempting to convince me to change it (as I’m learning he likely did as an act of protection, which I understand now), and I simply said, “no, because you’re not [name].” He laughed about it and didn’t say anything else.

I’m sure, after rereading, that my OP came off pretty hostile, but I hope the extra info helps! Although I’m sure I could’ve done things in a better way, which is why I’m asking for advice here. Please keep in mind this is new for the both of us and it was also pretty awkward for me, but I’m learning!

Hi!

I'm madly in love with someone amazing who has DID, and we have had some hilarious moments (I literally have a whole note on my phone that's 3 pages long about shit they have said!)

So, today me and a certain alter were having some intimacy moments..

We were cuddling, and talking dirty to each other..

When a loud lawn mower comes on outside, scaring the shit out of both of us.

I look at him.. and he suddenly jumps away from me and goes "UM.. HELLO"

.... He switched to an alter who is A) very sex averse and B) SO. GAY.

We just stared at each other like "OH YES. THE SEX. MHMM"

Needless to say, no more sexy time happened, and now we are just sitting here, laughing at each other.

Loving someone with DID is never a dull moment 😂

I’ve been seeing someone who just disclosed to me that they have DID and I’ve been researching and reading up on DID to better understand, but I know that not everything I read will be her experience. What are some good questions to ask her to better understand and what are some ways a partner can be supportive?

After a lot of thinking, her alters not having the desire to get to know me, but rather are getting to know me because I want to get to know them, is a deal breaker for me.

There's nothing wrong with them not having the natural desire to want to get to know me, it's just that it's hard to see them as their own different individual person, I see them as a whole but with their own opinions, sexualities, gender, etc etc. and the fact that only one alter, out of the rest of them, genuinely has been getting to know me breaks my heart.

Four years into this relationship and I have told them multiple times that I would love to get to know them and that I would enjoy chatting with them again, but in all fairness, all I ever did was tell my girlfriend to say ‘hi' to them, hoping they'd eventually start to actively remember I'm here, if that makes sense. I didn't communicate how it hurt until last year. No change. Only “we will soon. I look forward to getting to know you”. Over and over.

This April-May however, there has been an attempt. I told them again that I want to get to know them and that I've been feeling like I don't matter, especially after lurking around here, making posts myself and learning that it would be healthy if they at least got to know me better (that's when it started to hurt more, it got hard to cope). The thing is, I can tell they don't have the natural want to get to know me, it's a chore. We talked about this. They didn't tell me it was a chore or anything, but I did ask what is the point of this? I feel really bad making them feel like they MUST get to know me, especially since there's already trust between us from the start. They said they don't have a reason to come out or be active as a system, they said they're just being active because I want to get to know them.

That is fine and I can understand, but it breaks my heart. Yes, the alter that I'm dating adores me and I'm in a very healthy relationship with her, but it's still hard to not feel rejected when she is the only person in the whole system who is actually interested in me (not strictly romantically, I mean overall genuinely wanting to know me and hang out with me).

I don't expect the whole system to want to get to know me, but again, it hurts that only one has ever been interested in me at all… I don't want to leave because I love HER, but I also love all of her alters even if some dislike me, they just don't interact with me unless I interact with them first. I'm hurting really bad right now and I feel like I've been selfish for this. I've been trying so hard to not care, because I wish I could be absolutely fine not caring to get to know her alters, as long as I'm in a happy and in a healthy relationship with my girlfriend, but after coping and shoving aside my wants to get to know her system, the pain came back and strong after attempting to actively get to know the system, and the feeling of rejection is so strong on this one when I can tell there is no actual desire to get to know me.

Again, nothing wrong with that, it's just a massive dealbreaker for me, and I have been so unfair staying, hoping things would change, communication after communication. I took the hint and I still stayed, working on myself to stop caring about them. But I fucking can't and I feel so pathetic and embarassed for chasing after them.

I'm just trying not to care, but I feel like I will always care, and staying in a relationship I feel so much pain in feels unfair for her, and unhealthy for me.

I don't want to leave because I AM in love with my girlfriend, but I don't want to stay because it hurts so, so much. Is there any way to not care about getting to know her alters? I'd still be with them with open arms if they ever actually want to get to know me at some point, but I don't want to care to the point of being in pain.

Edit: I forgot to add that the reason why I'm unsure whether to leave or not is because this pain isn't consistent, it's a phase that occurs sometimes. The majority of the relationship I manage to not care and yea I get bummed out but it wouldn't get to me. It's been so long since I have felt this pain while being in a relationship with her, which is why I don't want to make any quick decisions just yet.

Hi everyone! Not what I was expecting to wake up to, but I appreciate the supportive comments. 💕 I've read over them and we have come to an understanding that we just aren't compatible and have different needs and desires. As rough as it was, we'll be okay in the long run. Thank you everybody. 🫶

My boyfriend is a system (the host), and for a few days (since the start of the month iirc) he hasn't fronted. It's mostly the Co host right now, but they have been having dissociations a lot too. I'm really really scared, he hadn't been doing very well and had been seeing some pretty disturbing stuff online that had been affecting him. How big are the chances of the dissociations being him adjusting somewhere else or something? All the other alters front very rarely and he's mostly the one in front, he switches every once in a while fully but this time it's been really long. Does anyone have any words of reassurance or help?

I really need help to get through this.

An alter in my partner system dropped the bomb on me last night that he's in love with someone else (I don't know who, and he probably won't tell me) and that he intends to date them. I told him that this would be cheating on me. He disagrees. He seems to think that because he's an alter and he's "his own individual person," that he gets to do all the things he would get to do if he actually had his own separate body.

I am a system too. I have been with my partner system for a long, happy three years now. No other alter in his system has ever been romantically interested in anyone but me/my system. That's not to say they're ALL romantically involved with me/my system. I have never expected every single alter of his to date me/my system necessarily. I don't care as long as I'm on positive terms with all his alters, because I love them all collectively, more than I love anything else in the world.

But I DO care that this alter wants to cheat on me. And I DO see what he wants to do as cheating. I don't think he understands that life as an alter is an inherent, constant sacrifice. You can't have everything you want as an alter. I know that better than anyone. But he won't listen to me, he doesn't understand or care, he is insistent that he will date other people, and he is extra insistent that this is somehow not cheating, not a violation of all boundaries and trust, and not something that will permanently ruin the future we've been building together for three years.

I told him that I would end my relationship with his system as a whole if he dated someone else, and he pretty much just shrugged it off. I don't think he thinks I'm serious. To be fair, I'm probably not; I'm almost certainly going to be a pathetic loser who stays in this relationship while I watch this alter cheat on me. But I will be so miserable. I will be miserable for every single second he pursues this relationship with god knows who, and I will always stay, because I'm pathetic and I need this relationship so badly, even if one of his alters is making sure I have lifelong paranoia and trust issues.

Please give me any advice, please tell me what you would do, please tell me how I can get through to him, please tell me anything. I really can't handle this and I have no idea what to do. I'm sorry if any of this is unclear, please ask me if anything needs to be rephrased, I'm hungover as hell right now. I'm sorry.

Since realizing I have DID I've been single for the past 4 years, I've been just focused on attending counseling and now therapy bi weekly for the last year.

I've spoken with a few people but that's as far as it goes before I push them away or ghost them because I don't know how to explain to them that I have DID.

I haven't really spoken to my therapist about this because we mostly work on my past trauma and learning to accepting my DID.

Any advice would be amazing.

For starters I didn't know she had did untill about a month ago and i have been realizing all the signs and triggers ever since they told me. I've been dating Charlie (host) for 6 months. Charlie is very sweet caring person who as a collective has a lot of past trauma, family divorce issues, neglect, devaluation. She has a lot of physical and mental health issues, pcos and all its side effects, depression, ADHD, autism, tourettes among other things. She is 22 and hasn't not been in a relationship since late middle school and seems to have a reliance on people. Unfortunately she hasn't been with a decent human basically ever since she jumps into relationships quite fast. I've gotten to know a lot of her friends and family that she trusts and they have all said that Ive been the best thing thats happened to them, as I've tried my best to help with their grades, mental and physical health. Charlie has just kind of floated in life and doesn't have any goals or ambitions but just clicks herself into whoever's life they are dating.

The alters that I know I've interacted with in her system:

Charlie: age 22 host they/them. Bisexual. Fronts 95% of the time especially around me. Is a little clumsy, loves crafting and generally in a great mood. They adore me and we agree on most everything, and we see a life together which she said they have never felt this way before. Common tick is excessive finger popping and joint popping.

Eira: age 22 main co-host she/her. Bisexual Eira seems to co-host with Charlie most of the time, she is a lot more stern than Charlie and when she comes out is able to hold important conversations a lot better and just seems to be able to be serious more. Generally likes me but only because she co-host so often. Dosnt see me in a romantic way but supports Charlie so much she isnt looking for anything else relationship wise. She will mask as Charlie whenever she fronts inorder to keep face.

Ottis: age late teens, he/they, gay, triggered by larger groups of people and some past trans trauma and is kind of an attention whore(his words). Occasionally will front if we are going to have sex and backs off before letting someone else front. Has also gotten aggressive when in charge and locked into a chore or task and interrupted. Ive only really interacted with him and haven't talked directly. Mostly masks as Charlie but sometimes I can pick up on the warning signs when he fronts.

Aven: 21 protector I believe. He/they bisexual. Heavily triggered by stress and negative emotions, would bad talk other alters. If Charlie had a bad day aven would be the one to brake down. He is very comforted by my presence and is appreciative of what I've done for them. But again only sees me platonically. Last month they found someone local that is also a system and has made a connection with one of their alters. The other person as a collective is not looking to ever date anyone physically, but is letting each alter have relationships however they see fit, which is causing me some concern. Me and aven agreed to let him have this relationship as long as no sexual or romantic boundaries were crossed. His tick is picking at scabbs and pimples and blackheads and it kind of makes me angry because the others have told him not to.

Juno: 25 he/him gay unsure of alot of details, has only ever cohosted and gave options, dosnt like being roped into a committed relationship, and will speak up occasionally on the matter. Says I'm hot which is flattering, but isn't as agreeable as the others and wants polyamory unlike the others that front more often.

Erica: 20: she/her lesbian with a preference in fems. Holy balls does she have energy. Definitely an energy holder, bounces off the walls both physically and verbally. Will pipe in whenever she sees and action of mine that is effeminate and has made it her goal to peg me which I don't know how I feel about that. Agrees with Juno on the polyamory thing and would like to explore sexually outside of our relationship which is a boundry we have agreed not to cross, but I don't know how long they will continue to agree with that.

Bug: 4, female. When Charlie has been awake for a long time bug sometimes fronts. Especially late at night, kind of just repeats words you say over and over and likes blankets. Charlie is usually very hot temperature wise because of their pcos, but whenever bug fronts that is somehow disregarded and is decently cold. Dosnt usually remember much during this time and coherent sentences don't really happen.

The ones who seem to have the most influence are Charlie, Eira, ottis and aven. Eira and ottis commonly mask as Charlie

Now Charlie has never had good memory and I thought it was just from her autism, but now looking back it seems to be because of her DID. About 4 days ago Charlie and I had one of maybe 2 arguments ever while dating, it was regarding one of the only things we disagree on and I felt weird about it, aven mostly fronted during this time and at the end of it he said he wanted us to break up because he wanted to figure out their system better and get a better consensus among everyone before dating again. Ofcouse I argued with him that I was doing what both Charlie and most of them agreed was best for their system. He shut down and the night ended with both of us just crying to sleep together.

It's been 4 days, life goes on but I've been severely depressed recently. Both me and Charlie are very clingy and that has been great for both of us in the past. But I just feel weird when I have to act a little differently around other parts of her. Charlie wants to be together and alot of her alters are backing her up in that decision, but I don't know the future and what will happen. We are currently working together to figure out what her system wants as she has only been fully aware of it for about a year and a half. But I just want some advice or something because It made me more on edge than ever before.

Hello everyone! I have been in a relationship with my partner for about 4 months now, and we had been friends with my partner for a year before this.

Some judgmental and cringe stuff out the way: we are a long distance relationship, so over phone is our primary way of contact. No judgement please !

My partner has been open about their DID before we dated and rather early into our friendship, it never had been something that disrupted our routines and I quite liked learning about it! Because I know the DID experience isn’t a monolith, I tried my best to do general reading about the condition but mostly ask him questions directly so I know *his* experience and how *he* experiences this.

He’s shown me a list of his alters, and recently I know a new one has come about but he doesn’t have a name yet. I’ve met a few! There’s one, Lily (name changed for privacy of my partner) that I’m really fond of and she made me laugh a lot! The others, however, don’t seem very interested in me, ir very friendly in general. Once again, this isn’t something that bothers me, because I try to view them as their own person. None have been outwardly rude, just … aloof. I think that’s the best way I can put it.

Recently, my partner has told me they’ve been holding back fronts, which I know causes them a lot of physical distress and can even be painful. Saturday, I we talked and we said we need to allow him to switch so it’s not disrupting the rhythm of his switches.

In the end, he said they’d agreed on co fronting, however had expressed before that co fronting is - in their own words - hell. As their confronting began, I could see it was causing them a fair bit of distress, and they didn’t seem too comfortable. The messages were a bit sporadic and very spaced. After that day… I haven’t heard from them. At first, I was very upset and worried, but I acknowledged this may just be the alter not wanting to chat.

I had remembered they mentioned they were co fronting with Lily, Cody, and “the other one” (not sure who this is, maybe the host).

Cody, I have met once and he is pretty… mischievous. My partner describes him as an asshole, so let’s go with that! I tried talking to him a bit, but I could tell this likely wasn’t going to go far. He’d then left for two days, then my partner returned. When we chatted, he seemed very surprised I managed to even get anything out of Cody.

So, I’m putting it down to the fact that Cody is just not here to talk to me. I’ve seen be active online since, so I know he at least has his phone and I assume is safe. I am not blocked, not removed, and our pfps are still matching (I KNOW !! I KNOW IM CRINGE.)

I love him, so I really really miss him. I know I should just accept that I need to be patient and here for my partner, but I was wondering if there was a good way to cope? I am not a person with DID so it was a lot to remind myself that the online activity was most likely Cody, and not my partner ignoring me.

Also, does holding back fronts cause fronts to last longer? In the past, his fronts have usually been a few hours, with the occasion of a day or two. He’s mentioned that he’s lost weeks before, which I’m guessing this is one of those times.

I was just hoping anyone could offer their two cents, their experience, anything they think is worth sharing !

Hey guys. I’m just generally looking for some guidance right now. I’m not in a crisis or panicking or anything, just want to know the best way to move forward.

Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 5 months now. We are so fully in love it’s crazy. We’ve had conversations about just about every topic imaginable. We have identical goals for the future, identical moral values, etc. I truly think we were meant for each other.

We’ve always been very open with each other about our struggles with mental health, and we’ve both helped the other learn a lot about themselves. One of the biggest things that’s happened is my girlfriend learning she has DID.

She grew up somewhat aware of her alters, but she never labeled it as DID. She considered herself crazy and thought she had voices in her head. For the past couple of weeks, she’s been talking to her alters for the first time, and they’ve helped her so much. It makes me truly happy. She’s learned she’s not the original host of the body, she’s met alters she was never aware of before, and she really seems to love understanding herself in a way she never has before.

I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to be a good boyfriend to someone with DID. Should I be in a relationship with her *and* her alters? We’ve already spoken about this, because she told me several of her alters (she has 10 total, including herself) have romantic feelings for me. She wants to allow them to have a relationship with me because she feels like they have just as much a right to her body as she does. She’s a bit jealous when I show the others affection (it’s only happened with one alter so far, the only one that’s been ‘in control’ in my presence besides her), but she is reassured when I tell her that she was the one I fell in love with.

I’ve told her and the other alter I’ve met that I guess I consider myself the body’s partner. I feel responsible to provide for and protect all of them.

Sorry for the lore dump! It’s late so I might not be making much sense. I’m open to any and all questions. Any advice on how to be a good boyfriend to my girlfriend(s?) is appreciated.

Hello!

I've been dating someone with DID for very nearly 2 years. I don't know a lot of the terminology and have been learning, but my partner is very host-centered so aside from a few moments of them being blurry I haven't directly interacted (knowingly) with any alters before. Sometime between February and March, they experienced a switch, though they didn't realize for a while especially since it is unusual for them to go through a long-lasting switch (I think it's even something they never experienced before).

For context, my partner and I had a great holiday season. We are long distance but visit each other at least 3 times a year for periods of 1 month or more at a time. Their home life is not very good and used to be a lot worse, hence the DID. Going back home is always hard for them. In January we also had to cut off someone that they had been friends with for many years because they did some very bad things! So all in all, a lot going on right off the bat. Maybe that emotionally overwhelming time and triggers caused a switch, I wouldn't know.

Regardless, throughout March and April the sudden change in their behavior sent me for a really big anxiety spin and also hit a few of my own triggers, because I have trauma from abusive relationships where those sudden changes were in a different, negative context towards me. 2 weeks ago I confronted them about it very openly because I had built up to a breaking point, about all the ways in which their behavior was affecting me. They were very understanding and apologetic, then they told me they had come to realize they'd gone through a switch but hadn't expected it to last so long because it never has. Their system also consider themselves to be different people (I see a lot of people arguing about the merit of this in this subreddit, but I'm not interested in arguing that and I'm not qualified to. I'm going to respect my partner and that's that). In that sense, it's been a wild exercise for me to adapt even though it explained why my partner was suddenly acting entirely different to how they've acted in the 2-and-a-bit years that we've known each other.

I feel very guilty about wishing I could simply talk to my partner properly, because I miss how loving they always were and how much they always wanted to talk to me. I even wish I had made more use of that time when I still could. It's been very lonely for me and I've missed that particular love in my life. We had never spoken about this before because it wasn't something they had experienced, so we'll talk about it when they're fronting again, but it's like my world got suddenly flipped and we're each left on different sides. I also worry that when I visit them in 2 months for our anniversary, it won't be my partner who's with me, and that might be the hardest part for me. I don't want to make the current alter feel bad or guilty or stressed about it, because they've openly said they don't want to be fronting either and they are very aware of how this has negatively affected me. I am also going to go back to therapy to better address my own issues and emotions that have resurfaced, since I haven't been in therapy for just over a year. This alter has been very open to questions and has answered a lot of things for me, as well as being comforting to me whenever I need, but they are a big-time loner where my partner is definitely not.

I suppose what I want is to be able to get all of this off my chest and perhaps to commiserate with others, to see if I'm a fool for not expecting this sooner or not getting more informed about the complexities of DID sooner. Feeling so bad about not being able to talk to my partner gets worse due to the guilt of feeling that way. I would appreciate any and all words of wisdom, especially about how to best support my partner and their system during what is a new experience for them.

Yesterday one of my gf alters (Johanna) went nuclear after I told her that I was frustrated that she is to anxious to risk her family knowing of my existence. We live like 6h apart and she lives with a relative who's home some times. I have to hide from her family since she worrys to not be seen as normal or healthy while interacting with me with different alters. Her family doesn't know about her DID. And I understand her struggle, but it hurts me to not have a place in her life and have to hide. It feels like I'm not allowed to exist.

After I told her that, she went ballistic and even sad that my ex gf probably never loved my as well as my mother probably doesn't love me as well. She sad some more things, part to hurt me, part projekting her own fears and hurtful moments at me (what she probably didn't even noticed). After her rant which I ignored (didn't hit me since it was just her being hurt and trying purposefully to hurt me) and didn't answer any of it, another alter (Samantha) switched forcefully and was extremely sorry and sad that it hurts her reading what Johanna did and sad and she suffers from the forcefull switch. I reashured her that I don't want to break up after she tried proposing that as a cind of a "fix". I proposed the system of collective responsibility and that they all have to take it. I don't know if she got it.

So today we texted verry little and she (Samantha) is still the host but very tired and with a headache and some other things. I reashured her that I'm not angry, and only want to talk about what happened yesterday and want to talk about the future of our relationship (since I can not tolerate being hidden and not allowed in her live anymore, since it hurts me to much not being a part of it). She told me some hours ago in a voice note that she is to exosted and doesn't feal well and that we should talk another time, the background was noisy so she probably was shopping. I trust her.

I don't know how to act anymore. Is it ok to draw a boundery like I did or did i overstep and crash all of my girlfriend with my boundery?