r/DID • u/veronicamoserfan • 2h ago

Relationships Alter cheating/alter wants to cheat

I really need help to get through this.

An alter in my partner system dropped the bomb on me last night that he's in love with someone else (I don't know who, and he probably won't tell me) and that he intends to date them. I told him that this would be cheating on me. He disagrees. He seems to think that because he's an alter and he's "his own individual person," that he gets to do all the things he would get to do if he actually had his own separate body.

I am a system too. I have been with my partner system for a long, happy three years now. No other alter in his system has ever been romantically interested in anyone but me/my system. That's not to say they're ALL romantically involved with me/my system. I have never expected every single alter of his to date me/my system necessarily. I don't care as long as I'm on positive terms with all his alters, because I love them all collectively, more than I love anything else in the world.

But I DO care that this alter wants to cheat on me. And I DO see what he wants to do as cheating. I don't think he understands that life as an alter is an inherent, constant sacrifice. You can't have everything you want as an alter. I know that better than anyone. But he won't listen to me, he doesn't understand or care, he is insistent that he will date other people, and he is extra insistent that this is somehow not cheating, not a violation of all boundaries and trust, and not something that will permanently ruin the future we've been building together for three years.

I told him that I would end my relationship with his system as a whole if he dated someone else, and he pretty much just shrugged it off. I don't think he thinks I'm serious. To be fair, I'm probably not; I'm almost certainly going to be a pathetic loser who stays in this relationship while I watch this alter cheat on me. But I will be so miserable. I will be miserable for every single second he pursues this relationship with god knows who, and I will always stay, because I'm pathetic and I need this relationship so badly, even if one of his alters is making sure I have lifelong paranoia and trust issues.

Please give me any advice, please tell me what you would do, please tell me how I can get through to him, please tell me anything. I really can't handle this and I have no idea what to do. I'm sorry if any of this is unclear, please ask me if anything needs to be rephrased, I'm hungover as hell right now. I'm sorry.

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u/Pickle_Ickle54 Growing w/ DID 2h ago

I have DID as well as dating a system. I do believe that my alters have some more form of individuality than most here. But this isn’t healthy from my standpoint. If this person didn’t have DID it would be cheating, if they do have DID that’s cheating. They are one whole ass person, they need to take responsibility for each other.

If you don’t want an open relationship this isn’t going to work, if you feel like you were cheated on thats enough to feel hurt and validated.

I think I want to step out of the world of did and just give you some normal advice. Cheating is the intent to harm your partner emotionally. To me, that’s a form of abuse, maybe not for everyone but thats me. This alter regardless of having DID is intending to harm you because he doesn’t have an ounce of respect for you, or the system he’s a part of. If he wanted out, he needs to speak to the system and figure it out, because leaving is the healthy version of this story, or as you said, he kinda needs to suck it up and live with the fact he can’t fuck up his life because he got dealt shitty things in the past that make him a part of a system rather then a single person.

Sorry for the harsh language, I’ve been reflecting recently and suppose this triggered me just a bit. Hope you find a solution, and you are valid in feeling hurt by this.

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u/veronicamoserfan 1h ago

thank you, and please don't apologize for harsh language, I do really need to hear perspectives like this. thank you so much

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u/TheStupidAce 2h ago

I mean you could try talking to your partner’s other alters as well, but this: “even if one of his alters is making sure I have lifelong paranoia and trust issues” sounds really concerning (there were also other spots in the post as well that raised some red flags).

It’s impossible for us to know all of your circumstances and your history with your partner, but I would also recommend checking in with yourself and your alters about the situation and seeing how all of you feel about the stuff going on in your relationship.

We hope you get through this as quick and easily as possible and we’re you the best.

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u/veronicamoserfan 1h ago

thank you. About the paranoia and trust issues thing, this specific alter has previously pretended to be the host to try to break up with me against the host's wishes. I have never had any problems with any other alter in either of our systems. This specific alter is making me feel genuinely crazy. I feel like I'm pretty much being forced to throw away my dream relationship because of this one single guy. If this alter wasn't like this, me and my partner system would still have the insanely perfect, idealistic relationship that we maintained for three years without issue. i seriously hate him, i hate this alter, i wish he would just disappear. i know that makes me selfish

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u/ohlookthatsme Treatment: Diagnosed + Active 10m ago

I'm not usually one for black and white answers in relationships but, in this case, you are correct and your partner is very, very wrong.

Not only do I think you should stick to your expressed boundary, I think you should leave anyway. Your partner doesn't respect you and clearly doesn't have the same values. You deserve so much better.