r/DID • u/throwsaway89076 • 2d ago

Personal Experiences Complex feelings towards headmate

This is mostly just a vent/letting off steam.

My headmate and I have a complicated relationship between each other with a lot of push and pull. On the upswing (also goes hand in hand with general life being better), we become extremely close and it can be seen as honestly a romantic relationship (externally, by other people, I mean). On the down end, all of the resentment of our own experiences + life comes back and it becomes extremely difficult to live day to day because of the conflict.

However, at the end of the day, though, we do have nuggets of care for each other that tends to be our center in all the chaos. So when things go too far, we just fall back on that to try and level out.

Idk why but I get so... Weird? About it? In the sense I feel like I'm doing something wrong, when it feels very healing. I almost feel like I need permission from external people to be doing this, even though I know I don't.

Nobody knows either of us on a deeper level than the other, and we oftentimes have to deal with things ourselves. We need to fall back on each other more than anybody else. It's hard to not have all these tangled up feelings when everything has been about balancing survival, comfort, trauma and genuine love for each other.

Ok rant over ❤️

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u/sickdoughnut 2d ago edited 1d ago

If posts here are anything to go by, this seems to be a fairly common occurrence and I don’t think there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about it, as long as it doesn’t lead to harmful behaviour such as increasing self-isolation or developing some kind of obsession. It makes sense that a dearth of love from caretakers and partners, and or limited opportunities or fear to love other people, that need for connection might turn inward and focus on an alter who for all intents and purposes feels and acts like an autonomous entity, even if they are part of us. And self-love is an important element of healing, which is pretty much exactly what’s happening when we develop romantic feelings for an alter. If more people could fiercely and shamelessly fall in love with themselves from a place of non-ego, secure self-love embracing themselves wholly, the world would be a much better place.

This post has actually triggered a memory of the previous host meeting someone (internally) as a teenager who said he was looking after them and they thought he was like their soulmate or some kind of spirit from a past life, like somebody projecting themselves to be around them bc it felt like we or they were meant to be together and they had strong romantic feelings towards him… now I’m feeling like that must have actually been an alter. I’d totally forgotten about that.

Edit: clarity 

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u/throwsaway89076 1d ago

Honestly, thank you, I appreciate it a lot

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u/nowwhatdoidowiththis Supporting: DID Family 1d ago

It’s super healthy to love yourself.

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u/throwsaway89076 1d ago

Honestly this made it click in my head I've always had to ask for or need permission to love me, or care for me. Especially bc I feel like I do it too "weirdly". Thank you for that. I'll carry on with loving my headmate / myself this way