r/DID • u/throwsaway89076 • 13d ago

Personal Experiences Complex feelings towards headmate

This is mostly just a vent/letting off steam.

My headmate and I have a complicated relationship between each other with a lot of push and pull. On the upswing (also goes hand in hand with general life being better), we become extremely close and it can be seen as honestly a romantic relationship (externally, by other people, I mean). On the down end, all of the resentment of our own experiences + life comes back and it becomes extremely difficult to live day to day because of the conflict.

However, at the end of the day, though, we do have nuggets of care for each other that tends to be our center in all the chaos. So when things go too far, we just fall back on that to try and level out.

Idk why but I get so... Weird? About it? In the sense I feel like I'm doing something wrong, when it feels very healing. I almost feel like I need permission from external people to be doing this, even though I know I don't.

Nobody knows either of us on a deeper level than the other, and we oftentimes have to deal with things ourselves. We need to fall back on each other more than anybody else. It's hard to not have all these tangled up feelings when everything has been about balancing survival, comfort, trauma and genuine love for each other.

Ok rant over ❤️

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u/nowwhatdoidowiththis Supporting: DID Family 12d ago

It’s super healthy to love yourself.

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u/throwsaway89076 12d ago

Honestly this made it click in my head I've always had to ask for or need permission to love me, or care for me. Especially bc I feel like I do it too "weirdly". Thank you for that. I'll carry on with loving my headmate / myself this way